Are grandparents nitpicking your parenting?!

Angela - posted on 03/03/2011 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My mother-in-law is always in my face about my parenting skills!!!!! She is always saying I am doing things wrong, and that my daughter Aurora is going to grow up with issues because I am not doing a good job with her! She is always telling me that i am bad mom! I have tried to tell her that I am Aurora's mother and I will do as I see fit. But she turns around and tells my husband that i am being rude to her and he gets mad at me!! I would love some advice on how to fix the situation without it backfiring on me!

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Carolyn - posted on 03/03/2011

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First talk to your husband. Give him some concrete examples of things she has said and let him know how it makes you feel. A good exercise is to have him consider how he would feel if it were your parents telling him he was doing it wrong.

I would respond to the mother in law by syaing something like " thank you for your input, but I have decided to use this method ( or follow the advice of my doctor, or this study, etc)" this way she cannot accuse you of being rude while you are able to decline her advice. Hopefully she will just quit once she sees she is not getting the best of you.

If she really persists on something, ask her to provide you with proven evidence, research etc for you to consider. chances are she can't be bothered, and if she can, who knows, you might learn something new, decide to alter your opinion, or change something, but it will still be your choice at the end of the day.

You do need to involve your husband in defending the parenting choices you guys have made and keep him aware of the conflict without "bashing" or speaking ill of his mom. Because all that will do is put him on her defense, and make it look like you could possibly be being rude to her.

if all else fails, I personally have no issue resulting to giving people a taste of their own medicine and criticize their choices and tell them they are doing it wrong until they raise issue with it and then flat out say, now you know how i feel when you do it to me. But, I can be a bitch like that LOL, however this would be a super duper last resort for me.

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Amanda - posted on 04/27/2011

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grandparents will always tell u how ur doing something wrong they think that because the have done it before means they did it right , but there is no "right way " to be a parent someone is always going to tell u that ur doing something "wrong" but u have to let ur husband kno what she is saying to u and tell him to speak with his mother about backing off , remind her that she probiblay didnt like it when her mother / mother in law did that to her when her kids were growing that she shouldnt do it to . everyone has there own way to be a perant and its ur turn to figure out what way is ur own

Medic - posted on 04/26/2011

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I don't strive for normalcy I don't get along with either of them. I am my daddy's child. To everyone that knows me a comment like that is pretty much expected. I am not a super serious person and I tend to look for the most ridiculous thing I can possibly say to end whatever is irritating me...while providing comic relief for myself and a few select others that share my humor. I tend to not put up with crap from anyone so I have my arsenal of cheeky comments ready at my disposal. Right now I have my four year old saying one...I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for what I am not.

Alisha - posted on 04/26/2011

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@Jennifer Lott. Your advice is kinda funny but I wouldn't actually say that unless someone really doesn't get the hint and unless you don't mind having awkward stares for many many years and not being able to go to a lot of family functions lol. It is kinda funny, but I'd rather keep the peace and tell the straight and harsh truth only when absolutely necessary. So, maybe for you, you had had enough and you needed to get them off your back about it, I hope it worked and your relationships with them can be 'normal' again!

Medic - posted on 04/26/2011

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All of these moms are much better women than I am. I have a goto line that usually my stepmother and mother get because they are way to nosey and last time I checked I know how we(my brothers and I) turned out so they have NO room to tell anyone anything. But for what its worth here is my little line."You had your chance to screw up your kids, now it is my chance to screw up mine. If I am going to have to pay for therapy anyways I might as well make sure it is worth every penny." My dad, husband and brothers think its hilarious..... mom and step mom not so much.

Kimberly - posted on 04/26/2011

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Grandparents are sent to us to do two things. Give our children candy at bed time and criticize our parenting skills. My own mother constantly tells me to be consistant with my child...who is only two. I mean dang we havent even known eachother that long, I have to figure some things out still! As long as your child is taken car of you will be fine!

Alisha - posted on 04/26/2011

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You need to have a calm convo w/ your mother in law when she is not criticizing your parenting and tell her that when she says you are a bad mom it hurts your feelings, but if she would like to give suggestions in a gentle way that is fine. Tell her you will listen to her suggestions but you and your husband will make the final decisions about what will be done with your child.

Brittany - posted on 03/16/2011

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I would have a conversation with your husband first to let him know how this all makes you feel. As for the MIL..my own mother is like this. She always tells me that my son isn't doing things at a proper age and it's because my husband and I are lazy and not working with him. Just tell her that you appreciate her concern and would like to do it your way but will consider what she has said, that way you don't sound rude. Good luck!!

Keri - posted on 03/16/2011

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That is something you should not have to deal with. Her generation was raised differently from yours and your parenting ideals obviously don't match. Until a PROFESSIONAL can tell you your child has problems, your child and your parenting skills are fine. As for your husband, I don't know. It seems like he's a mama's boy who's not willing to stand by his wife on such an important issue. That's just how I see it.

Laura - posted on 03/16/2011

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My MIL tried to do this with me. Luckily my hubby was in the room whenever something happen. It took a little while, but he did eventually tell her and it was OUR job to parent not hers. She got really sulky about it and complained to FIL, who backed US up. She still tries to tell him things over the phone, but he's started hanging up when she gets really bad.

Jessica - posted on 03/16/2011

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Wow, that is really out of line on her part. Since she is determined to get her way, the best avenue would be to talk with your husband. Tell him exactly what she is doing and maybe he will take your side instead of automatically jumping in with his mother. She honestly has no right to treat you like that!

Nadine - posted on 03/16/2011

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My mother in law tried once to tell me how to take care of our daughter. When she was born she had to go to the nicu for a month and she started in on me about a hole bunch of stuff. I told her, her son and I had already talked and decided how we were going to raise our children and if we needed help we would ask. She tried going to my husband and make it out like she did nothing bad and that I was mean and yelled at her. Luckly my husband knows better and came and talked to me about what happen. After I explained to him what she said and what I said in return he went back to her and first told her not to come to him again and not tell the hole story trying to get us fighting and then to mind her own business we havent had a problem since. I would go to your husband and tell him straight out that it was wrong of him to come yell at you about being rude to his mom with out getting your side of the story. Also if you told him the things she said why hasnt he apologized to you and yelled at his mom in return? If he doesnt beleive you try to stay away from her and then if she is around have a tape recorder in your pocket then if anything is said and your husband comes to you again about you being rude you can say you want to hear rude and let him actually hear his mom say those things I bet he changes his tune and turns his mom away himself. If nothing else tell him she cant be alone with you and the baby anymore since she says these horrible hurtful things and then goes to him and says you are being rude to her and it causes you too to fight. This will elimiate the problem all together.

Ashley - posted on 03/12/2011

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I guess i come from a different opinion if she is being rude i would call her on it. If she actually called you a bad mother i would explain to her that your kids dont need her bad influence and she wont be involved in your childrens life until she stops. If your husband has a problem with this explain that you have tried telling him and as its his mother it was his responsibility to stop her bad behaver as he did nothing this is what is going to happen.

Nayuribe - posted on 03/12/2011

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DON'T PUT UP WITH IT!!! YOU are the mom, she had her chance at parenting with her kids, she needs to respect you, your methods, your rules! and your husband NEEDS to stand by you. it's one thing if HE has an opinion about something, but his mom?... PLEASE!!! sorry, but hell no!!! talk to your husband, maybe he can talk to her. i've been there!!! when i had enough, i banned my mil for 1 month, so we all had a chance to "chill", so now whenever she comes over, she keeps her opinions about MY parenting to herself, i honestly could care less.
we get along VERY well now! when we're in my house, i make the rules, my kids eat what i want them to eat, when i want them to eat it, etc. when we're at her house, there are no rules, LOL. they can do whatever they want to do, cuz that is how my mil is, no rules!! haha!! that's how we've made our relationship work. plus, we only get together about twice a month, or maybe thrice, otherwise we'd go crazy!! GOOD LUCK

Lakisha - posted on 03/12/2011

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i woold talk to your husband about the problem. i will take what she say and take what is good an disgrad what you do not need. When she say something, kill her with kindness and say thank you and tell her that you will take what she said in consideration. and take what you need from it, and disgrad the rest.

Christina - posted on 03/12/2011

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I understand what you're going thru, except it's not my in-laws that trying to tell me how to raise my kids, it's my parents, mainly my father and sister. Whenever I'm over at my parents house and I'm trying to take care of my kids, it seems like my dad or my sister always want to but in. If I have to discipline one of my kids, my dad or sister will baby them, or if my kids want something and I tell them "No" then my dad or my sister will completely ignore me and give them what I told them they couldn't I've asked them nicely not to get involved when I'm disciplining my kids or I tell them no, but they usually cop an attitude with me and tell me that I don't know how to parent. Last week, I finally got enough backbone to tell my dad and sister to back off. My 5 year old son was jumping on the couch and as punishment, I told him he had to sit on the floor for the rest of the evening, My son went over to my dad, and my dad put him on the couch. When I told my dad he that my son wasn't allowed on the couch, he said that he could be and there was nothing I could do about it! Wrong! I went over to where my dad was sitting, picked up my son and sat him on the floor. I told my dad enough was enough. I told him firmly but lovingly, that HE is the GRANDPARENT, AND I"M THE PARENT! I'm his mother and I know what is best for him and the punishment stood. I also told him that when I discipline any of my kids or tell them "No" that is the end of it. I told him I love him and respect his opinion but in the end I didn't want him to interfer with how I raise my kids. He didn't like it but so far he hasn't interfered when I've been over to his house and had to discipline my kids. I told my sister to mind her own business, that she has no right to judge my parenting skills since hers suck. My advice is tell your mother in law, in a nice and loving way, to mind her own business. Tell her you are the mother and she's the grandmother and you'll do what is best. If she doesn't back off, then you might want to limit the contact your MIL has with your daughter. Talk to your husband about it. If he get mad to bad. He should be getting mad at his mother not you. Good luck!

Taylor - posted on 03/05/2011

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My son's great grandma was always telling me things that I should do when our son was first born. She told me I was starving my son when I first started breastfeeding. Now I know that it's controversial to breastfeed, but it wasn't the point. She was invading my choices as a parent. Eventually things gotten to me. Some of her advice was helpful and some of it I just let go one ear and out the other. You have the right to be the parent you want to be as long as your kid is healthy and happy. If you and you husband could sit down with her because it's important for her to know that you husband is supportive. He needs to understand that Aurora is in the best interest.

Susan - posted on 03/05/2011

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I deal with the same thing from my mother in law except she is sneaky about it and pretends to be nice about it. She acts like my son is her kid or that i dont think of things. My son had a really big probelm with spitting up when he was a newborn and for months i dealt with "i think he has reflux" after muiltple times of telling her ive talk to his doctor he is fine and it still not working i just tune her out when she has something to say about my parenting. I agree with meghan though talk to your husband and if it doesnt help limit your time with her to like once a week or tune her out if you cant get away with that. Also Meghan you are right with it being worse with the only son and first grandchild thing lol thats what i deal with.

Meghan - posted on 03/04/2011

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i agree talk to ur husband first.. and if that doesnt work maybe she is spending to much time around ur little family giving her the feeling she needs to have more of an input than what is needed, it worse if he is her only son, or the first grand-child..dont know if i have helped any but just what i experienced

Rosa - posted on 03/04/2011

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I had the same problem! Part of it (i think) is that they think they are being helpful, but its annoying! You have to talk to your husband, me and my husband argued for months and almost split because it got so bad. If you let it continue it will only get worse.

Tameka - posted on 03/04/2011

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Tell her "Thanks for your advice. You have had a turn at being a Mum, now it is my turn to be a Mum and I choose to parent this way". Say it nicely and with a smile on your face. She can't argue with that!

Brianna - posted on 03/03/2011

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you need to talk to your husband and explain to him that she hurts ur feelings and its wrong for her to talk to you that way. When she says things like that in front of him he should tell her that she cant talk to you like that and that auroras ur child and you two as her parents will raise her as you see fit and if you need advice from her you will ask her

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