Better to marry my baby's dad and try make it work or end it now?

Lindsey - posted on 01/24/2012

This can be a tough situation especially with all sorts of thoughts floating through your head about whats right and wrong for you. when i first got together with my now husband we clicked right away but i wasnt sure if i loved him. after 2 years of being together we got engaged and shortly after, i found out i was pregnant. just last year, almost 5 years being together, we got married. before hand i was not sure if it was what i wanted to do for myself or if it was what i wanted for our son. we argued all the time and i was just very frustrated with alot of things. i chose to marry him for both me and my son and since then we have worked very hard at making our relationship stable and full of love! we still argue sometimes but im happy i did it and i know i love him more than anything. two things that really helped us was having our own time apart doing something we enjoyed as individuals and being able to openly communicate our feelings or concerns. things have never been better for us and i feel like im falling in love with him all over again.



i know where you're coming from and it is a very difficult choice but if you really want it to work out then you need to put in the effort. if the only reason you are together is for your child then maybe its best to go your own ways but be sure to agree to raise your child together and act respectable in front of them at all times. ive seen couples stay together only for their child and you can see the stress and unhappiness in the relationship and the effects it can have on the child themselves.



best of luck to you! have faith you will make the right decision for YOU!

Quetille - posted on 01/23/2012

I think you should try and better your relationship so it would not have an effect on your baby life. You and your spouse should try talking things out first instead of turning things into and agrument all the time, trust me it would be for the better not for the worst.

Shannon - posted on 01/23/2012

My childrens father and I have been apart for over 3 years now. My 6 and 7 year olds are very happy, smart, loving, polite children.



We have never fought, we have never put the kids in the middle. We have full joint custody situation. I say situation because this is per us, we've never been to court.



When we finally desided we needed to be friends, not husband and wife, we made 3 promises that have held strong and made things very easy. 1. Never make the other parent feel like a bad parent. We both have our strengths and weekness's, work with that rather then trying to find faults in each other. And never speak poorly of the other parent. Not just in front of your kids, at all. It creates anger. 2. We both love our children. When we speak (which is about 15 minutes a day), remember that a disagreement about them can be resolved and to figure out how, not get angry, it's not about getting your way. 3. All things are shared. We attend football games, dr.s appointments, parent/teacher conferences and all other kid things together. I'll pay for more of something if he's the one carting them around. He covers insurance, I cover copays and appointments. Other things are down the middle. We both see our children everyday. We share them. If my son needs shoes and I have the funds to buy new ones and dad is struggling to make rent, I buy shoes. If my car broke down and I'm stuggling to pay the $ for a class, he'll cover it. no pay backs, just the honor system.



We respect that we both want them to be happy and not feel like they have to choose a parent. We respect that money in both houses give them a comfortable life with both parents. And that's what coparenting is all about, respecting that even though it didn't work out the way you wanted it to, you're both good, loving parents, who still have a child to raise.



I'm not recommending you leave your fiance. But if you choose too, don't give up on him. Tell him what you want for your child and be firm at it. I won't lie, it will be hard at first, there will be resentment, some anger, maybe even hostility. Avoid each other until this can pass. Have family and friends help with pick up and drop offs if it ever gets that bad, but don't EVER let the child see either one of you upset at the other. Standing united in raising her will give her the confidence and security that her parents love her.



Good luck, either way.

Catherine - posted on 01/22/2012

I am in the situation where I just left my husband, because I realized I didn't love him. We have a 2 year old together and I married him because I thought it was right... for our daughter. Please, make sure before you marry him. Try to work on it for a bit before you jump into it.



My soon to be ex and I are civil and we get along. We get along better not being together than we did being married.

Jennifer - posted on 01/22/2012

I was in the same situation as you are when I was prego with my oldest son. Unfortunately I decided to stay bcuz I thought that it was best for my son. Only to later figure out that all the lying and fighting was doin more harm to my son than good! I think that one of the hardest part of me deciding to leave was could I do it on my own. You really have to be able to to tell yourself that and mean it!!! But I would rather work myself to death to make sure that my kids are taken care of and have everything that they need and want. Anyways my ex and I were friends afterwards and it made it sooooooooooooo much better!! But I had to sit him down and explain that the feelings just werent there anymore I still cared about him and all just didnt love him anymore. I still included him in everything that the kids did and doctor appts. Hope it helps!!

Kay - posted on 01/20/2012

P.s. We argue all the time too. He drives me completely insane. But he also makes me laugh like no one else, and when I see him with our son it takes my breath away.



PM or add me on Facebook if you ever need to talk about it.

Kay - posted on 01/20/2012

My advice runs contrary to a lot of others: Don't follow your heart. Lead it.



Love is about a commitment. It is about looking at someone and saying, I may not always be in love with you, but I will always love you, because I CHOOSE to.



My fiancé recently left the Army. Before he left, he had been in Germany for two years, and I cannot tell you how many times I thought to myself, is this really worth it? Do I even really love him? We had no children together. It would have been easy to let go, but honestly, I am too damned stubborn.



Before you make any decisions, go to a local bookstore--or click over to Amazon--and order the Love Dare. I highly recommend reading the book. Give yourself forty days to do it right--what is another month and a half anyway?-- and see if you don't fall in love with your mate all over again.



I did, from half a world away.

Janel - posted on 01/20/2012

You've had some great feedback already!



12 years ago I met a man through mutual friends and we started dating. We were together for a long time and then he proposed. I was not wildly, madly in love with him. We were complacent in our relationship. He was a very sweet guy but I just wasn't "in love" with him. But, I thought that's just how things were and I said yes. I got married and things only got worse. I felt my eye wandering. I felt trapped and like a shell of a person.



On day I realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone I didn't love. It was fair to me and it certainly wasn't fair to him. We divorced and shortly after I met my current husband. We have been married for 5 years, we have a beautiful daughter and I live every day with a huge smile on my face.



Our relationship is not easy and we still argue. But, it feels right every single day. There has never been a moment when I have questioned whether or not we should be together, even in the toughest of times (and we've had many).



The most important thing to do is to always follow your heart. Don't force something that simply isn't there and don't give your life away if it's not the right situation for you. Don't do something just because you feel like you should. The best thing for a child is to be in a loving home, whether that is with 2 parents or only 1.



Good luck to you!

Sarah - posted on 01/20/2012

Thanks ladies, you have been very helpful in offering exactly the sort of encouragment i was looking for. We will work at it, it is just difficult to see reasonable solutions to immediate problems after another argument at 10pm!



I have to remind myself all the time that life isnt like a Hollywood rom-com, it's often ugly, and it takes actual work. Our relationship is worth saving, and we are both serious about providing an example of committed and loving relationship for our daughter. As much as he irritates the crap out of me sometimes(read often, especially round the end of the day) I cant imagine that my life would be anything but sad and regretful without him in it.



Also... i agree that we desperately need some quality time together. Granny will be called on to do some babysitting! Thanks again for the gentle and rational encouragement - Im new to this whole forum thing, it is so darn cool - like having a huge (international) network of girlfriends nattering in your back pocket!

Deborah - posted on 01/19/2012

First, you need to talk to him about how you are feeling. It might blow up into a HUGE fight, but it's necessary. Find out how he feels about everything, and why he feels that way. Express your thoughts and feelings, and try to keep it a civil conversation. My fiance and I, before we were engaged, broke up for two weeks (our son was just over a year old). It was awful, but I was ridiculously unhappy with where we were and his attitude and our life together. He fell apart, and we got back together. It's not perfect, but it's a LOT better now that he realized what he almost lost. In my situation even he'll admit a lot of it had to do with him and his attitude towards a lot of things.



Secondly, find out if he still wants to get married. Don't let him answer right away, let him think about it for a few days, and you do the same. If you agree it's not what you want for the rest of your life, you can go your separate ways and work on a friendship, it's possible. you just have to set boundaries for that friendship, and remind yourself it's for your child, and not each other.



Lastly, get professional counseling. Family Planning centers might be able to steer you in the right direction, but a few couple's sessions should be able to help you guys work out your issues.



TRYING to make it work for the sake of a child is a wonderful, admirable thing. Staying together BECAUSE of the kid, is completely wrong.



The sooner you two decide, the better. Your daughter is too young to have long term cognitive memory, so when she is 3 she won't remember if you two were together, or if you were not. If she 'grows up' with mommy and daddy not together, she isn't going to question it until she is much older. Granted my daughter's dad and I split before she was born, but she still doesn't remember being 8 months old, so she wouldn't remember him and I being together, anyway. It's not hard for a child that young to adapt to changing circumstances. If you wait too long, or get married just to get a divorce later, that would be far more painful.



Try to make it work, because your daughter is worth the effort, but if it doesn't...don't beat a dead horse. Just be open and honest with each other about how you feel.

Sarah - posted on 01/19/2012

Alexis is right. Sorry if I made it seem like you should get married then work on it.

Definitely work on rekindling! You should both be sure before you tie the knot.

Thanks for the clarification Alexis! :)

Alexis - posted on 01/19/2012

I am not married, so maybe I am not the best to comment. But I dont think you should marry him feeling this way. I think it would be wonderful if you did try to work on it. Do what you can, maybe couples counceling, or try the date nights thing. If you think maybe you are being lazy put in a little extra effort and see if that gets you anywhere. It cannot be just you though. Your fiance needs to put in effort as well. I think that you should def get married if things seem better and you can feel 'in love' again. BUT absolutely not right now...I know people say that its better for the kids to stay married, but honestly I do not agree. If you do not have a healthy relationship, your kids know. You do not want your children to grow up thinking its a normal relationship if you are not happy.



Anyways, I just think it would be great if you did try and did work on things to see if there is something you could do to rekindle the love, and relationship that you had. But it needs to be done before you get married. If it doesnt work, then it doesnt work and you do not want to be unhappy nor have your child grow up seeing you unhappy. In a perfect world you would get married and live happily ever after, but it is not a perfect world and maybe you and your fiance are not made for eachother, and that is okay. But if you do not try, you will never know. :) Good luck.

Sarah - posted on 01/19/2012

I know people say this alot here but when is the last time you 2 had some couple's time?

It can get VERY easy to get caught up in the day to day and look back fondly on your dating time. Well when is the last date you guys have been on?

Marriage and even long term partnership is something you have to cultivate & work at. But trust me it is WORTH IT!

Plus getting some time away from the baby, even if it's just an hour or 2, will help keep away some very common mommy blues.

If things seem to be turning around after some regularly scheduled time for just the two of you, then definitely stick it out. Everybody goes through this phase. My husband and I did a couple years ago & we just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary this month!

Surf this site a bit. You will find you are normal & not at all alone! ;)

Stay Strong Mama!