bf and video games

Amber - posted on 10/13/2010 ( 82 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend and I have have lived together for almost a year now. I have 2 small kids from a previous relationship. My boyfriend works from home but is working all day (which is to be expected lol) and I'm a stay at home mom. He is usually done by 3:30 when my 3 year old is home from school. We make go outside and play, make dinner, feed the kids, bath time, story time, and bedtime for the kids around 7pm. Then he goes straight onto his computer for the night playing video games. Our original deal was he could play his video game Monday, Wed, Friday nights. Now it's turned into well he plays "wow" mon, wed, fri but he does other video game related stuff tues, thursday, sat and sunday.
I'm starting to feel so alone, more like a room mate than his girlfriend. Any time I try to talk to him about it he just gets mad and says he'll just quit playing all together. On one hand I want to scream yes! But I know he enjoys it so I wont. But at the same time I feel like I shouldn't feel less important than a video game.
As much as I love him and I honestly do love him I'm starting to feel like were not going to work out bc of the video games. I want someone that wants to spend time with me, and wants to go to bed with me. He says we spend enough time together during the day but really he is upstairs working all day and I'm down stairs with my daughter.
Idk do you think im over reacting?

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Amber - posted on 10/17/2010

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So we turned yesterday into "date day" spent the day together just me and him walking around the city together.(No cell phones were allowed unless it was a call about the kids) We spent a long time talking about the game and came to a new agreement. The 3 nights a week he raids are the only 3 nights he will be on the computer and the same for me. If he finishes his work early and the baby is taking a nap and my 3 year old is not home from school yet then he can log in and play until she wakes up or my son gets home. Well see how this works lol I'm not holding much hope but it's an attempt and we both said things that needed to be said.

Sarah - posted on 10/16/2010

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i've read some of the replies and for my husband nothing worked! we'd sit down and talk about it! i actually got my husband started playing guildwars...which was his game of choice before our son was born! nothing worked! i didn't care that he played i just had a problem with the amount of time he spent playing! he would literally be on from the time he got home from work until he went to bed... then would get upset with me if i tried talking to him while we were in bed! (i couldn't talk to him while he was playing because it was too distracting for him and he'd get mad at me for making him lose) we tried time limits or having certain days that were "no comp" days but it never worked! we even started counseling because it was getting so bad (that was after he got mad at me about bothering him while he was on the comp and started threatening to divorce me and said he wished our son (who i was 7 months pregnant with) would die so he didn't have to see me anymore! counseling didn't help at first but eventually he realized that he never got anything done around the house because he was always on the comp! i'm not saying nothing will work for you but i've been through it ALL! talking it out, threatening to leave, trying to compromise, counseling, changing the password so he couldn't log on i've tried it all! and from what i've heard in other posts about bf's/husband playing games too much.... most guys have to figure it out on their own that they are on the game too much and the girls just gotta wait it out! other wise its just nagging to them which makes them want to play the game even more... why... because its their escape from the real world... its their break from reality and all the stresses they have and nagging only stresses them more!

Emily - posted on 10/16/2010

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no, i do not. i have that same problem. i ask my bf to help me watch the kids so i can clean or take a shower, but he thinks watching the kids is letting run around doing what they want while he plays video games. or he has been out all day and then comes home and wants to play video games and video games on the weekend. i honestly feel the same as you i dont feel important to him at all.

Rebekah - posted on 10/16/2010

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Our rule, prior to marriage, was that he could play video games anytime I was asleep or not home. The only time he can play when I'm home is, if I am playing too, or he's been giving special permission (like he has a group of guys all coming over to play together). It's worked great for us. So maybe you need to set something similar too. Communication is key.



ETA: We also both have "nights out" away from each other. He gets one night a week to spend with his friends (and they play video games), and I get one night out with my girlfriends (and we go out to eat).

Nicole - posted on 10/16/2010

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I agree with the other moms who recommended compromise and communication. It sounds like you have compromised, but lost the communication somewhere.



I have a nerd/gamer for a husband. He is so into PC games like WoW so much that he builds his own computers just for the intention of getting all the stuff he needs for his games. We have been married almost 10 years and saw each other several years before that. We have 4 children and I can't tell you how many games he has been in-love with - Asheron's Call, EVE Online, Star Wars, and many more. Currently, just like everyone else, it's WoW. I got really into Asheron's Call with my hubby many years ago, but since we have had more children, I don't have the time for it like I used to.



We have been through many fights and arguments and ups and downs over the games, but I soon realized that to him it's a community of friends like CoM, Cafe Moms, facebook, or my girlfriends are to me and it made it easier to talk to him about it.



I have told him that it is not about what he is doing but what he is NOT doing that was bothering me. I have told him that when he spends time with the kids, gives me some time away from the kids and gives me some time with him, I am not going to care when he plays his games. Also, I have learned to do things that temps him off the computer and to come to bed with me. LOL He has also learned to communicate with me, too. He always asks or tells me when he is going to be in a group and doing raids which is when it is difficult for him to leave the game. That has helped us tremendously! Actually, we haven't fought or argued about the computer is some years now. We have learned what makes each other tick and what each other needs and that has helped greatly.



Good luck and keep in mind your needs as well as his and communicate those things with him. You both have needs and you both should do what you can to give to each other. ;o)

Morgan - posted on 10/16/2010

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Maybe this sounds harsh, but if that were me I wouldn't be going home. Plain and simple. I'd never stand for that.

[deleted account]

My boyfriend is just like yours! He tells me when he gets home from work, he needs his time to "wind down." When do I get MY winding down time? I find letting him play for a little bit and then explaining to him that I need to spend some time with him works. I just need to remind him constantly that we need to spend our time together to keep our relationship working well.

Sheelah - posted on 10/15/2010

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lmfao my hubby plays wow and alot loves the computer games and not sure what anyone can do to stop them haha very frustrating

Sarah - posted on 10/15/2010

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i have been there with my husband time and time again! No matter what you say he won't change his mind! threatening to leave or stuff like that probably won't work... it never did with my husband! he used to play guildwars... he quit before our son was born but i had complications during my c-section and was in the hospital for a week! during that time he would go home... well then he started obsessively playing facebook games! i came home with 2 tubes in me and was very sore and in pain! i couldn't do much... he was on so much he wouldn't help with the baby! luckily my mom was there for me! i ended up moving in with my parents while i was recovering because my husband was of no help because he had gotton back into games! silly thing is... he thought he was being so supportive and helpful and if i told him otherwise he'd get mad at me! now he's missed pretty much 3 weeks of time with me and our son! stupid thing is he complains about how much he's missing but yet our house is 10min away from my parents... and he could easily drive over to see us! but we only get to see him 2 times a week.... otherwise gaming comes 1st.... thats why he can't see us... hes got too much to do on mafia wars! besides the fact he's added over 200 ppl to his friends list that he doesn't know and will never know because they live in asia! last thing i need to worry about while i'm recovering from 2 surgeries and caring for a newborn is what my husband is doing while i'm gone and what slutty girls he's adding! grrrr! i'm hoping when i go home next week he'll cut the crap and grow up!

Robin - posted on 10/15/2010

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oh girly let me tell you... i literally know exactly what you mean. my bf works from home and plays a game just like wow and that seems to be all he does. it frustrates me that i have to pry him away just to get any time with him and our daughter. i too feel like a room mate sometimes and it def. sucks. and he never wants to go to bed when i do. it's horrible to feel that way but i've learned that it's not gonna change if i force it. maybe sit down and talk to him to see if he will set aside at least one day a week for just you and him and the children. friday nights are our night together now and things dont bother me as much anymore bc i know that on friday that game is nowhere to be found. i hope this helps :)

Melissa - posted on 10/15/2010

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When my boyfriend and I moved into together I made him sell his system to get money. I know how guys get so addicted and its crazy! You aren't being crazy at all..

Ashlynn - posted on 10/15/2010

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I used to have the same problem with my boyfriend playing WoW all through the night and most of the day. We eventually did set days that he could play and do his raids, which usually worked out unless his guild moved one of the days of a raid. Finally, I broke down and started playing to try and understand why this game is so addicting to people. I played with him for a couple of months but finally he stopped playing with me because he did not want to help me level anymore and wanted to do his own thing. In the end...he went back to school and lost interest in WoW until the next expansion comes out at least, I play sometimes when I'm bored, and he realized there are more important things in life than that game. Try to set limits and work boundaries out that work for both of you. If it is meant to be he will come around and realize that you are worth it. However, I would not recommend hiding his computer or pulling the plug because that could have a major backlash taken out on you. That would be like hiding someones cigarettes that smokes, I wouldn't expect that to end well.

Emma - posted on 10/14/2010

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may sound mean but i'd pull the computer plug and hide it after he is done with work on the agreed days he wouldn't play video games.

Dara - posted on 10/14/2010

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I have been in a very similar situation with my husband. The thing about online games like WOW is that it's not just a game to them, it's a community. My husband would often (and still does, but to a lesser degree) spend the entire night on the computer and I'd go to bed alone, night after night after night. What I have done is told him how I feel in a way that isn't attacking him. I would say something like, I understand your enjoyment of the games, and that you have to invest a lot of time into it. I don't want you to quit playing, because I know it is something you enjoy, but I am feeling like the gaming is coming before spending time with me. Then relate to him exactly how you feel using "I" statements, not "YOU" statements (Ex. I feel like...instead of You make me feel like...). I have found it works very well for my husband and I, and he has cut back a lot. I also afford him nights where it's okay to game all night long. It's important to give a little without giving reproach, but then he needs to give a little too. I really hope you can work this out.

Renee - posted on 10/14/2010

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i had the same problem with the wow game! i told him he can play it but only when kids are sleeping. and reminded him i need time with him also. the game is very addicting. at first i played with him then things were not getting done so i quit but he continued. he got tired of my nagging about it and i said ok lets compromise here.....play when kids are in bed for the night and i dont want to go to bed everynight alone either so make time for me also.

Morgan - posted on 10/14/2010

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Have you ever thought of maybe trying to use it to your advantage and use it to create bonding time? My husband is a bit of a nerd and gets into video games. He loves spending time with me so he wouldn't play his games. I finally one day sat down with him and we decided that we both needed to be interested in each others ideas of good times. So I started playing video games with him. He showed me how to do it and taught me how to play and all the cheats and stuff and we'd have so much fun. Especially in the beginning when I was HORRIBLE at it because he'd be bad on purpose just to make me look better. It really felt good to get involved with something he loved. In return, he knew how much I ADORE dancing (started dancing at 3 and did it until I had to stop at 18 because of joint issues) so we started dancing together. At first it was just at home, because I'll be brutally honest, he suffered from a SEVERE case of white boy syndrome. But he tried so hard and it was so cute watching him learn how to dance at home. Then we'd go out and bust a few moves at a club or bar together and it was so much fun!!! Now that we have our daughter it's a bit harder but we still make it work. When he's home (he's navy and gone a lot) we have a game night where we sit down and pick a game together and play. One week it may be CoD the next it may be something cheesy like Battleship on the Xbox. Never the less, it's fun. Then he'll surprise me and push all the furniture out of the way, put on some music, and we'll bust a move in the living room and have a "dance night".

We've been doing this for 5 of the 7yrs we've been together and I can honestly say that things have never been better between us. It's helped us bond more than you'd think. Maybe it'd help you guys. Taking an interest in a hobby that your other half likes but you never has is a GREAT way to get to know each other better and build a very strong bond together. You never know, you may get hooked and end up better than him and kicking his butt one day ;).

[deleted account]

You aren't over reacting at all. He's addicted and like all addictions he can't help himself. This is coming from someone who has been known to spend 14 hours playing a game straight (that's without eating or using the bathroom). It's hard, you almost hear the game calling out to you.

I got over it after my husband (boyfriend at the time) told me enough was enough and started to monitor my playing. I would mean to stop after a couple hours, but I'd want to complete that one task and then that lead to another. I've been good about my games for 3 years now... I still play... but for only 2-3 hours every 4 days instead of 12 hours everyday.

Janelle - posted on 10/14/2010

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Oh dear... WOW rears it's ugly head once again. I had a boyfriend once who ignored me for this game and I told him I was leaving because I felt like I was dating a five year old. So I left because he didn't seem to care until he realized it was too late. I understand how this is hard, trust me. But you need to somehow make it clear to him that this is presenting a problem in the relationship and that he needs to man up and address the problem with you like an adult.
See the thing is.... you are both home all day together. Yes he's working and you're busy with the kids, but you guys are still exposed to eachother 24/7. It's understandable for him to want "alone" time to do the things that he "personally" enjoys doing. It could be a therapy of sorts to him. Just like when girls want to have a night out with their girlfriends or a day to go shopping or go to the salon. Making him have a schedule can seem a bit controlling. Tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe you guys can set aside a weekend day to go out on a date and make it all about you guys as a couple.

Lacye - posted on 10/14/2010

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I have somewhat of the same problem with mine. During the mornings, I go to classes at the local community college and he stays at home and watches our daughter. I come home, she's in the play pen and he's playing his video games, which i fuss and yell about because I don't care if he plays his game but i don't want my daughter in her playpen all morning either when she could be out playing and having fun! But he plays his video game until i get lunch done, then he eats and he goes to bed because he has to work the night shift. But, on Sundays, I don't have class and he doesn't have to work, so we spend time together and play with her and just do whatever. I don't really say much, except when i come home and find her in the playpen, because I know he enjoys it and my daughter likes to watch him play. But when it starts to be he's on the video game all the time, and he was doing that for a while, then i started getting mad and would take our daughter outside and he noticed that when the game came on we left the apartment. then he decided it was time to spend some time with us.

Amanda - posted on 10/14/2010

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i have a boyfriend just like yours i hate the damn games and i want throw the stupid thing out then ever see it in my house again, but like urs he works all day while im a stay at home mom as well and he enjoys them but we work out the times he plays, he plays while i cook dinner and about a half hour after dinner , and on the weekends if im out shopping or doing something and hes home he can play while im gone other then that if i see it on i unplug it we made these rules maybe u and ur boyfriend can make some that fits ur life style as well

Monica - posted on 10/14/2010

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lol yeah he wears his head set during call of duty and sometimes i think hes talking to me so then i feel stupid when im like what are u talking bout lol... its sooo annoying and we had a talk about it and he says its my fault cause i dont want to do anything lol im like okay its all my fault then

Amber - posted on 10/14/2010

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lol and the stupid head set thingy he uses to talk to other players is the worst! His computer is on our bedroom so it takes me forever to fall asleep with him talking! So last night after me breaking down and crying we agreed were moving the computer downstairs (there goes his "but we are together excuse).

Monica - posted on 10/14/2010

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my husband gets home from work and plays videos games all the way until he goes to bed... and i asked him why and he says cause hes bored ... i dont know what to do either

Brenda - posted on 10/14/2010

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in my marrage im the one who likes to play the xbox i used to live on it lol but after haveing my son i only play when bubs in bed and stop playing when hubby gets home from work so we can have together time i would give him time limmits hes got to understand that ur not a livein babysitter

Leesha - posted on 10/14/2010

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omg i so know how this feels, im the income earner of the house and my partner seems to think its ok to sit on online games all night until bed after the kids have gone to bed i mean where is our us time :(
every time i say something about it i get my head bitten off i think guys should be banned from video games

Stifler's - posted on 10/13/2010

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No! I couldn't tolerate my boyfriend always playing video games like that. Not that I can tolerate ANYONE who likes video games more than real life interaction

Liz - posted on 10/13/2010

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lol im in the same boat you are i understand your frustrations totally i solved the problem by getting myself a hobby that took all my time away from him so that he knew how i felt now dont get me wrong he still plays a lot but its not as much and hes slowly starting to figure out that being in the same room with us while playing a game doesnt constitute spending time with us dont the best part is hes in school for video game programing so he claims its his homework lol show him how it makes you feel take a day or two and just ignore him it worked for me and my husband is pretty hard core good luck to you i hope you find a solution

Teejay - posted on 10/13/2010

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We sound like we are talking about kids.

Its so ridiculous. I dont want to be my PARTNERS mother. I am already his sons mother. And i dont want to be putting ultimatiums down. Because I would then be acting like his mother. And on top of that, ultimatums never ever work for me. :\

Teejay - posted on 10/13/2010

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hahaha
i have the same sitatuion!
even worse is he loves saying that when my lil boy grows up he will be just like him and love video games too.
It drives me nutz as well. And i havent found a way to fix it either. I got so mad I turned our circuit switch off and refused to turn it back on one day cos he just refused to stop playing.
Luckily the fan or something *i dont care* broke in our xbox *yipee!!* So things have been easier lately but he just went and bought himself 2 psps.
Its like an addiction its ridiculous.
I understand going to bed alone cos someone cant get off the video games.
So no your not overreacting. I hope for both our sakes they stop playing so much!

Ricky - posted on 10/13/2010

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Instead of days give him time limits. When a new game comes out my bf is obsessed and plays almost non stop when he is home. I was like you feeling left out so we ended up agreeing that a couple hours before we go to bed he turns it off and we watch tv and cuddle or go watch a movie in bed. On weekends we do an activity for our son (example go to the aquarium) and when we come home he can play his game for a while, than we watch a movie at night and if he is not tired or ready for bed afterwards he can play again.

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