Boyfriend's Ex will not let his child come here without her!

Lacye - posted on 11/06/2010 ( 58 moms have responded )

2,011

31

160

I am just wondering if I'm the only person who thinks this is completely messed up! My bf's ex will not let their daughter come to our house unless she is with her. She said we could come there but only for a few hours and then we would have to leave. Now she lives 3 and a half hours away from us. So we would have to spend 7 hours on the road to go and see his other daughter for just 2 or 3 hours. We don't have that kind of money and when she is told this, she says "Well it's not my fault he lives so far away." Well it's not our fault she lives so far away either. This person has no job, has never had a job before in her entire life, lives with her parents (who takes care of her daughter more than she does because she is constantly on the computer or stuck up her new boyfriend's butt), and acts like my boyfriend has all the money in the world and is constantly asking for money(even though he pays her child support!) We are thinking about getting a lawyer and taking her to court over this but I first wanted to talk to her like adults and try to settle this without going to court. She tells me that she just can't let her daughter come up here alone and that she's her child. I understand that it's her child but it's not that she can't let her come here by herself, she won't. And the environment they are living in is so unhealthy because they have a bunch of animals and on top of that have 11 people living in a single wide trailer! Am I the only person that thinks that it's messed up or what?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Nicole - posted on 11/10/2010

1,117

27

47

Lacye, I can understand wanting to defend your boyfriend and his rights. He is lucky to have such a supportive girlfriend who wants him to have a stable relationship with his child. BUT, you have no legal right to this child. You are not her stepmother yet, and even still, stepparents (in most states, that I know of) have no legal rights to stepchildren, nor do they, or should they, have any say in the rearing of said child. Even if it is from a caring place, as your opinions and feelings seem to be. Interfering has always been notorious to cause problems.



You may have underestimated how you would feel if the tables were turned. She may not know your intentions are good and what she does know has been through confrontation or bickering (and I am just guessing here after reading your post and based on the fact that you feel she is not a good mother). I am sure that you have only the best of intentions, but I think you need to just support your boyfriend and try not to drive anymore of a wedge between she and him, because it will, inevitably, make things worse on his daughter. Let him and her work it out whether it is through litigation or negotiation, but it should be between your boyfriend and his ex.



I would have a hard time letting my 17 month old stay overnight or a weekend with ANYONE! Whether it be their father, grandparent, etc. and that would take some time for me to work on. I would need to know that whoever is taking care of my child would love him/her as much as (or VERY close to as much as) I would and if there were any ill-feelings towards me (that child's mother) by any of the people caring for my child, I would worry about letting my child go.



I hope you can put yourself into her shoes and try to be understanding to all involved and I am sure that it would all work out. I hope, just as much, that this little girl gets some much needed quality time with her father soon. Good luck and hang in there, but hang in there from the sidelines and be a shoulder for your boyfriend to lean on, but don't get between the two... it's not a good place to be and it will only cause more hurt feelings and won't help this little girl any.

Michelle - posted on 11/10/2010

1

1

0

Yes, this is a really messed up situation. I have been through the court system myself. My daughter is now 8 and her father and I have joint custody. My advise to you is to get an attorney. You say that he pays child support? Was this a court order or is he just doing it on his own? If he is doing it on his own, make sure he pays her with Money Orders, that way he will have proof of payment should things get ugly (and believe me, they will). Maybe request that she give you copies of receipts of the way the support is being used. ( I say request because she does not have to do this.) Second, buy a notebook and write down everything. By this I mean, dates and occurences that he tries to set up parenting time to see his child and all the details that go along with this. Also, keep a detailed examination of any marks/bruises on the child's body that may be caused by an animal or a person. If the child is not old enough to speak, write down the behavior of the child (such as any emotional behavior that you think seems odd). Other details (that need to be written down) include:
-Child cleanliness.
-Clothing (are they clean? too small?)
-Eating pattern (does the child seem starved?)
-Doctor visits (keep track of the height, weight, and development of the child. Are they on target with other children their age?)
These are all things that you need to look for. You may also (depending on what state you live in) want to purchase a small recorder to record any and all telephone convesations with the mother. Also keep all email correspondence with her. Most importantly, go to your local court house (or look it up online on your states .gov website) and get an updated version of the "PARENTING GUIDELINES" for your state. These are the RULES, SET IN STONE by your state. They will be what the judge/attorney/mediator uses to determine the outcome of your case. FOLLOWS THESE TO A "T". Also, unless it is absolutely necessary, do not let the mother know what you are doing. You want her slip up as much as possible. This will only help you. Well, I could go on but I want to leave some room for others to comment as well. If you want to speak more about "tips and tricks", just email me. To answer your question, this is totally messed up and you and your boyfriend need to do what is best for your child.
-Michelle

Kayleigh - posted on 11/10/2010

214

26

10

I really like how a lot of the single/divorced mom's are getting all defensive like they have been personally attacked by this post... not everything is just like your situation and this father sounds like he cares and shes just making things difficult on him! Having known a lot of crazy vindictive mothers who wont let good men see their children I tend to side with the person who is making an effort, not the one being unfair.

Nicole - posted on 11/08/2010

736

6

68

I would not let my 17month old out of my sight with my ex's girlfriend either, especially if I knew she spoke about me with disrespect and anger.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/07/2010

212

3

24

It's asking a lot to expect a mother to trust a stranger around her child. you also sound very childish with what you wrote about her new boyfriend and her computer habits.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

58 Comments

View replies by

Lacye - posted on 11/11/2010

2,011

31

160

i'm going to shut this post down. No i never wanted a pity party. Did i want some understanding and nonjudgement, yes. Laura you don't really know me and yet you have made some huge assumptions about me. thank all of you for your advice, I really appreciate it. and even to the people who want to go on the attack, thank you too. some of you actually had some constructive things to say. I have taken some of your advice and I appreciate all the advice that was given.

Kayelei - posted on 11/11/2010

5

5

0

Oh my goodness! Well the first thing you should do since you have already gone to talk to her like an adult is to take her to court for joint custody or visitation rights because thats his daughter too and if he is a father that actually wants to be in her life then she shouldnt make it so difficult because there are so many children that dont get the chance to know their fathers! And if you go to court make sure to have them look into the living conditions as this well benefit you.

Alina - posted on 11/11/2010

5

45

0

All I'm saying is that getting legal advice on a forum from people who are NOT lawyers is not the most intelligent idea. Laws are different in every state. In Oregon for example, it is EXTREAMLY difficult to take a child from the mother. She literally "almost" needs to be caught with a needle in her arm for the father to get full custody. Some states are way more linient. You can not assume that all states treat these cases the same. SO no.. you are not giving her accurate advice. The only accurate advice here is to tell her to get legal advice from a court in her State,.

Christina - posted on 11/11/2010

1,513

28

140

We ARE giving her accurate legal advice. We are telling her that her boyfriend needs to file for partial physical custody (because parents don't "visit" their child, they get partial physical custody and if they are not the primary custodial parent.) Courts also don't take kindly to one parent bashing the other, or the significant other bashing the other parent. That is called parental alienation, and if one parent is convicted of that, then they will not only lose custody of their child, but also only be allowed to have supervised visits with their child. By her getting online and bashing the mom, the biological mom can file a law suit against her for slander. She needs to stay out of it, because no court is going to care what she wants. She is a nobody to that child.

Alina - posted on 11/11/2010

5

45

0

Personally I wouldn't be taking legal advice from anyone here. No one here is licensed to give accurate advice on what you should do. First off. The living conditioons alone seem questionable although stating the parents take care of the child and she's on the computer all the time seems an asumption since you've admited you've only seen the child 5 times. Regardless, visitation is a fathers right, not a mothers to deney regarless of weather or not she likes you or "doesn't want to be away from her child" You seem like you genuinly care for this child, at least I hope since that would be the only reason to get involved. I think that establishing COURT rules is the only way to settle this. Clearly both sides do not agree on the current circumstances and that little girl is ultimately the only one who is suffering. Keeping the courts out of it only works when two parents are capable of working together. It's probably not helping to have you involved. Even if you want to help.

Heather - posted on 11/11/2010

389

17

18

@ Laura: AGREE!! If I were that child's mother and the father left me(without a dime) and promptly knocked up another chick, there's no way in hell I'd make an effort to spend my precious money and resources on helping a sperm donor see his child. If he really wanted to see the baby, he would save up a little money each month and drive down there.

I agree that the BM will eventually need to compromise, but nothing about this situation would incline me to work with the father on anything. At least this woman has chosen to move in with people who will help support her. She can't get a job because she can't drive and it probably wouldn't matter if she had a driver's license bc she couldn't afford a car....and you want to critisize her for being poor while making the excuse that you can't afford to go see the baby bc your baby comes first....it's really frustrating to see posts like this. I just can't support someone trying to take away a child from a loving mother when they can't even afford to visit.

Isobel - posted on 11/11/2010

9,849

0

282

and riddle me this batman...if they can't afford to visit...what's all the stink about? Fighting for visitation rights and then making excuses about why you cannot visit makes zero sense.

For all of you who think some people are being rude...we've already given the friendly helpful advice, just to have this woman make up excuse after excuse about why they can't afford to visit...why it's not "worth it" to visit for such a short time...

This woman wants a pity party...she wants you to say that the other woman is a bitch...and you don't know the other woman. Please keep in mind what your ex says about you that's not true before you assume that what this woman says about the first mother is true.

Yeah, he knocked you up when his baby was (4 months old?) classy...and a great dad.

I believe very strongly in Fathers' rights, but they also have responsibilities, and getting to know his daughter on her own turf before removing her from her home for a week is one of them.

Zandra - posted on 11/11/2010

1

12

0

wow... I agree with u on the whole messed up thing!!! Its not my place to say so but If I were yall and could go to court . Take that child out of that house, However do not do the same to the mother as she did to yall. The little one will see the kindnes and will learn from that. Just put up ground rules. That can be set up with the court. Its all about what is best for the child not yall. To be around family is great but thats just crazzyy.

Isobel - posted on 11/11/2010

9,849

0

282

Personally, if I had a child whose father and new girlfriend were too cheap or lazy to visit her where she lives and get to know her first...I probably wouldn't be in a huge rush to ship her off to stay for a week.

Lauren - posted on 11/11/2010

32

82

1

it is messed up yeah. have u and ur partner always lived where u are or have u guys or the mother moved away? if you guys moved away then in my opinion its down 2 u guys to make the effort 2 go n see his daughter and the same goes 4 her, if she moved she has no right to make things harder for the father of her child.
some people are unfortunate to live in those circumstances but aslong as the lil girl is healthy and happy we cant slate them for how they live as maybe its all they can afford.

Anna - posted on 11/11/2010

166

24

10

rebecca said exactly what i missed out.
dont go straight in for the number of days you want for the child at your house. try visiting once a month for a whole day starting with the BM being there and then gradually get the BM to take a backseat in the room and then try doing stuff with the child on your own. this wont be in the same visit, it may be over 4/5 visits until the child is happy to be alone with you.

propose all of this in writing to the BM 1st and then if she cant give you a valid reason not to do all of this THEN seek legal advice.
it wont happen straight away, it may take time and some sacrifices on your part but it will work out in the end. just be consistent.

Rebecca - posted on 11/11/2010

3

31

0

5 times in 17 months...well no wonder she doesn't want to leave her daughter alone with you! She doesn't know who you are. You said yourself that she does not drive, I guess that means that if your BF wants to see her than he has to go the distance. Money means nothing when it comes to your children. All in all though this is between the mother and father to sort out together. So what if she lives with her parents still, doesn't have her licence, doesn't work. It's how cared for her child is that matters. You say that she won't let the child go without her, 3 and a half hours away is a long distance for a 17 month old to be away from her mother, especially around people she doesn't know. Just because your BF is the father, 5 visits in 17 months doesn't mean he knows his daughter.

JENNIFER - posted on 11/11/2010

5

15

0

Yes the woman is crazy and selfish. She needs to realize that is affects the little girl a lot. Kids this days know and understand more then you think. There isn't many men that pay child support and want to be involve in their kids life. It's not like she is sooo involve her any ways. Just take her to court she is unfit mother

Anna - posted on 11/11/2010

166

24

10

the baby needs consistency and having her mum push and pull her is not good.

if it went to court you would probably start out with supervised access until the child knows and is happy with who you are then after that you probably have the child over a weekend or eventually holidays.

if you want to sort it out amicably, write the BM a letter/email explaining that you both want the child once a month for 4days at your house without her being there.



if she refuses then write another letter/email explaining again that you still want the child for 4days once a month and that if she doesnt agree to it then you will "seek legal advice"



garaunteed if she remains in her current accomodation she will lose her child.

keep a record of everything and only corespond in writing (txt, email, letter)



keep us updated

Lacye - posted on 11/10/2010

2,011

31

160

thank you Martha! please do send me that info! I would love to look at it and see if there is anything that will help my bf.

Martha - posted on 11/10/2010

27

24

2

There are all kinds of info on fathers rights. Custody should be set up and unless the new bf or gf is a proven danger to the child there is nothing that can be done. I have been there. My ex dumped me and our daughter at my moms and went with some random chick. He didnt help with anything and a close friend moved in to help babysit so I could work two jobs. My ex got pissed bc he was a guy and filed for custody. Didnt work. But it went both ways I couldnt say anything about his new gf he only knew her for a month. My friend who helped me was a friendship of over ten years. If you need anything let me know. I still have all my paper work.

Lacye - posted on 11/10/2010

2,011

31

160

The only reason why I am involved in this is because he and I are planning on getting married after the new year. otherwise, yeah i would butt out of it. But I have tried (time and again) to be polite to her. I have offered her a shoulder to cry on, I have bought her food, I have even bought her clothes before. We have known each other for 2 years now. It's not like we are complete strangers and have never met before. If we hadn't, then yeah. I would totally agree with all of you saying you wouldn't trust the child around me. The last visit when she came up here to visit, I took her to the hospital because she had cut her hand open and I held the child the entire time. The child likes me. I care about his other child like i do about my own daughter. But as for her not meeting us halfway, she has her parents drive her all over the place (which they are good people I have met them also) so why can't she ask them to meet us half way? I'm not saying all this to make excuses. I'm just filling in some of the questions that have been asked. and yes I posted this on another board because I wanted different opinions. as for would I let my child go and spend time with her father, yes! I would. because I know what it's like to not be able to see my father because my mother wouldn't let me. And I was the one that was upset all the time. I know his other daughter is too young right now, but what about when she gets older? I don't want her to have to go through that.

Whitney - posted on 11/10/2010

51

27

3

I was in this situation also but in my case I am the mom and would not permit my daughter's father to pick her up for a visit until he got to know her. He would go 6 months between visits and then expect to just come in a pick up my daughter. It was not happening as he was a stranger to her. I told him that we would talk about visitation away from me when she was older and was not scared of him, He anymore. He was and still is always welcome at my house but would never call and ask to see her. And then I would get blamed for keeping her away from him. We are on better terms no and are friends and my daughter at 2 and a half finally knows who he is. As he finally listened to me and started coming to see her. We are talking about visitation now but he hasn't asked to take her anywhere. He needs to have some things before hand anyways. Like a carseat and a bed for her to sleep in before she could go over there anyways. But I just want to add that it is not best to rip a child away from the mother and hand the child over to the father for visitation. Just becasue he is the father. A child is going to panic when placed with a complete stranger and that is not right to do. If the father has only seen her 5 times. Regardless of the reason, he does not know her well enough, or her, him. To just come and get her and then take her three hours away. The other problem is that even though in most cases an unmarried women has full custody of a child upon birth, at least in ohio this is how it is. If there is nothing legally written stating this then a father could take the child and make the mother have to fight in court to get her child back. I have seen this happen before when the father wanted legal rights but didn't have the money so he refused to give the child back to the mother. The police were called but she was told it was a court matter as the mother had no legal paperwork stating she had custody even though she did. So the mom was forced to pay thousands of dollars in order to get her child back and was not even able to see her until court was over months later! Also want to mention that just because a women lives with their parents does NOT mean that the parents take care of the child. I live with my parents because my daughter has health issues and I take care of all my daughters needs. How can you really know what the mother does or does not do when you are not around to see it? You have no idea of knowing who takes care of the baby if you don't even live anywhere around her. As bad as it seems, there is no way to force her to allow him to take her. So if he wants visitation he is probably going to have to take it to court.

Kayleigh - posted on 11/10/2010

214

26

10

I would like to say that if I had a child with an Ex, I would ABSOLUTELY do everything I could to be fair about him getting to see that child. even if they are only 17mo old and the father lives 3 hours away. that doesn't matter, the father has the right to see the child and the child has the right as well. might mean longer visitations so as to minimize travel costs (like a weekend or even a week at a time).
If my fiancee and I split after our daughter was born there is no way I would keep him from her... even if he had a new girlfriend.. (the odds are who ever he dated after me I would respect and most likely really appreciate, he doesn't pick stupid women...)
they need to know each other and be close... I love him for a reason, b/c hes an amazing person and even if we no longer could support our relationship that doesn't change anything about him and his daughter, or their relationship.

Quianna - posted on 11/10/2010

33

15

1

I've read all of the responses and some of them surprised me. But I'll speak directly to you- I think its great that you are so involved in wanting to make sure your bf maintains a relationship with his daughter. And I can see how the 3.5hrs distance between you guys and his ex could pose a financial burden in respect to him visiting especially when money is tight. IMO I would suggest that your bf talk with his ex about what's best for their daughter. Make sure he stresses that at the end of the day it's about their daughter. She has to be willing to compromise if its in her daughter's best interest. Just like you can't expect her to drive to him without a license, she can't expect him to foot the bill for all travel expensives when he can't afford it. Talk to her parents since their so heavily involved in raising the child. But your BF and his ex and her parents since they're helping her- need to sit down and figure something out. If you both can't afford to drive 3.5hours both ways- then maybe you guys can meet halfway on the weekends. And if you plan on being in the picture long term then eventually the both of you will have to make his ex as comfortable as possible with the fact that you're going to be in her baby's life. Nothing is going to change overnight, and if talking to her doesn't work, then yes going to court for mediation would be your BF's next option. But be patience, and try to refrain from speaking so negatively about her- I know it's a hard situation but badmouthing her definitely won't improve things. I wish you best.

Stephanie - posted on 11/10/2010

69

34

3

thats not right. i would def get a lawyer and if nothing else be able to see her more and it be court ordered. also i would let them know ab her living situation and how unsanitary it is, u never kno yall may be able to get the lil girl from the mom

Blessing - posted on 11/09/2010

76

8

16

question would you let your 17 month old child alone with ur ex and new gf 6 hours away from you. and you dont know how much child support shes getting for all u know it might be all going to supporting and providing for the baby, i know thats what mine does.

Kayleigh - posted on 11/09/2010

214

26

10

to some of the other women - if its SOOO hard to imagine not having enough money to drive for 6 hours once a week or so then you must have never lived in an impoverished situation of any kind... gas is expensive and if you barely have enough money in your bank account to feed your selves, get around, and pay bills and pay child support!... then you just don't. its not something that can be controlled! its not stinginess, its the reality of it. Maybe the mother should take some of that child support money (and the money she is Most Likely leaching off the state, not to mention the rent she doesn't pay) to pay her parents for gas to do the father a favor once in a while.
I'm sorry but there is nothing in the world I hate more than dead beat mom's... and this one seems vindictive too.

Kayleigh - posted on 11/09/2010

214

26

10

Wow, there are a lot of really rude responses to this one...

Personally I think its amazing that you have so much care and interest in your b/f seeing his daughter, a lot of "new girlfriends" wouldn't be the same... The mother is being very unreasonable and manipulative... if the birth father wants that bad to be in her life then she should let him... from the sounds of it, its not his fault hes only seen her 5 times... he has every right to see his daughter when its reasonable and without "supervision" unless there is a good reason he shouldn't be alone with her (drug user, abusive etc.)

her living environment needs to be reported to CPS, I really hate it when people don't take the living environment issue seriously, there is no way 11 people can live in one trailer with lots of animals. that is 100% a health hazard, I have see it before. that can be incredibly damaging emotionally, and for her health.

It may seem unfair to some for you to make judgments about anyone's ex or be involved in his other child's life, but saying that you have no right simply b/c the two of you aren't married is total crap, if you have a child together, live together, and love each other then you are as good as his wife... filing some legal paperwork and putting on a parade for everyone doesn't make you any more or any less rightful (morally, not legally... legally you really still can't do shit, sorry ♥). shes really just throwing an adult temper tantrum and has no reason to be like that except to make his life difficult. Vidiction gets you nowhere.

a bad situation is a bad situation... she cant monopolize and dictate when he gets to see her, and all its doing is hurting the child. Try to work things out first I would say, but when she keeps up the bullshit file for custody and report her to cps... getting pictures of the living environment before letting her know anything is going on would be wise (go for a visit, take some camera-phone pix with the sound and flash off) I know that sounds a little sheisty but there is no way you'll get them after you serve her... if he lets her know you *might* do it, she will probably file before you guys do and then will have the upper hand in court... The person that files tends to get custody more often unless there is no good reason. Also the fact that he has been loyal about his child support payments will give him a bonus in the courts eyes... having been around a lot of custody battles I know how it can get. really consider what you are doing first and make sure it is for the right reasons... b/c its hard on EVERYONE involved...

Heather - posted on 11/09/2010

389

17

18

You really need to butt out of this situation. Until you're married to this guy you don't have ANY say in the matter. Him going to see his child is HIS business. I don't understand the "we can't afford it". Where is the "we"? Are you insisting on being there when he sees his other child? You really need to look after you and your child because, IMHO, and I know this won't sound nice, you got yourself pregnant by a guy who already had a VERY YOUNG baby and wasn't seeing the baby because he "couldn't afford it". What in the world makes you think he'll stick with you if the situation gets really hard? It seems to me this is kind of the "pot calling the kettle black". You want to complain about this mother of your bf's baby, but you don't seem to be in much better shape. I'm sorry because that may sound mean, but you've already heard all the advice(twice because you've posted this thread twice) and you still seem to want something you're not getting. I guess the way I feel about is; her not letting your bf see his child alone with you is no worse than you saying he can't go see his child because you can't afford it.

Blessing - posted on 11/09/2010

76

8

16

my daughter's father lives 3 hours away and i wouldnt let her go there by herself. i dont work and i live with my parents, but u knw what i care for her and love her very much and do my best. i think any mother would never let a 17 month old baby go 3 or 4 hours away frm her to be with an ex and girlfriend who belittles them like this.

Tiffany - posted on 11/09/2010

435

41

10

If I were in her position, I would not feel comfortable leaving my child with her father's new girlfriend either, no offense..so IMO the best way to go about this is to go to court and try to do mediation. But I will say this, and sorry if it comes off rude...you need to have more respect for her regardless of your feelings towards her. Just by reading what you wrote, I'm sure you don't hide your feelings about how you feel about her when you do see her. She is the child's Mother, and the fact that your boyfriend has only seen the child 5 times in 17 months is not acceptable for him or his ex. He should be allowed to see his child. There are always ways to make sure you can see your child. As for how many people live in the home, I don't know the situation so I can not say anything. For the sake of the child, the 3 of you need to sit down with a court appointed mediator and figure this all out..don't fight dirty, just fight fairly. I agree with other posters that if he asks to see the child, HE should document it with the response she gave as to why he can't. I know you just want your boyfriend to be able to see his child, but it's not your place to be involved in that way. Just being there to support him will help a lot.

Leah - posted on 11/09/2010

286

20

6

But she isn't over 3, she's only 17 months and the mother isn't denying visitation, she allows the boyfriend to see his daughter but the mother doesn't drive herself so she can't drive down to see them. I agree it is kind of a bullshit move that when you do have the money, she changes her mind at the last minute, but I'm sure some scheduling arrangments would fix that. I think both Christina's (;D) see where my point is coming from.

Trish - posted on 11/09/2010

147

51

16

Talk to your boyfriend first and see what he says. If he is serious about having his little girl permanently and you are able to look after the little one...Take her mother to court. Because it looks like this is going to be a custody thing. You guys live to far apart...unless you guys meet half way somewhere. It's tough one. Talk to your man...because this is going to be big on you guys and the little one.

Karlita - posted on 11/09/2010

23

71

1

he needs to take her to court and get visit set up it will be everyother weekend and 6 weeks out of the summer if she is over 3.

Brittany - posted on 11/09/2010

157

55

6

You definately need to make this a court matter. You sound like you have a strong case for custody. Depending on the custody arrangement right now, she may not be holding up her end of it by not allowing your BF to see his daughter.

Christina - posted on 11/08/2010

5

15

0

I think what people seem to be missing in regards to him seeing his daughter only five times is the fact that him and the OP needed money to make the trip not to mention the child's mother would tell them often that they couldn't come when they did have the money for the trip then tell them they could when they didn't have the money. Plus the mother refuses to go to them with the little girl. It's hard for a father to see his child if he can't afford to go and the mother refuses to bring the child to him in those cases.

Christina - posted on 11/08/2010

1,513

28

140

Oh, to add to the thing about documenting everything she says and does (if she is keeping the baby from him.) HE needs to document this, not you. YOU can not be involved in this. You are a nobody in the courts eyes. You are not his wife, you are not the child's stepmom. You have no rights to this child and no say. Only her dad does, and her mom. So you stay out of the whole thing. He needs to be the one dealing with her, not you. He needs to document if he asks to see his daughter and she refuses.

Christina - posted on 11/08/2010

1,513

28

140

Maybe I'm the odd ball here. I feel fathers have just as much right to their children as mothers do unless the children are unsafe with their fathers (ie: my ex husband who has restricted visitation with our three children.) When my oldest son was 3yrs old, his dad had only seen him once, by his own choice. He was finally ready to step up and be a dad, so his dad flew the 1400 miles to where I lived, and I handed my son over to him, and he flew back home, then returned him to me in a week. My son had just turned three not a week before this happened.

To the OP, you do need to be respectful to the mother. That is her child. If your boyfriend does not feel she is being a good mother, he can fight for custody. However, if the girl is 17mnths old and he has only seen her 5 times, then he is not exactly father of the year here, so regardless of the fact that she lives with her parents, she is still taking care of her baby while he is not. You need to trend carefully around biological parents. Imagine how you would feel if your child's father came around with a new girlfriend and that woman bashed you as a mother. Not cool at all. I am VERY respectful to my stepson's mom. She is a very good mom, even if Shawn and I disagree with some of her parenting styles. Doesn't make them wrong, just means we don't agree. And my son's stepmom is amazing! I love her because she was so careful to not step on my shoes. My oldest is now 10yrs old and I tell him all the time he has two moms, me and his stepmom. She earned the right to consider herself a second mom to my son.

Leah - posted on 11/08/2010

286

20

6

I just don't understand what would be accomplished by you taking her to court. Ok, so you would get visitation rights. You are already allowed to visit. Do you just want to see her alone? Do you want her at your house instead of her's? What exactly would be to optiomal situation for you? Sounds like its just an unfortuanate situation all around, doesn't really sound like your bf's ex is doing anything truly heinous, except trying to protect her daughter. So what she doesn't work, doesn't make her a bad mother. I think a lot of people are taking things at face value and not asking more questions. And btw, if your bf has only seen his daughter 5 times in her whole life, no way is he getting full cutody. If that is truly your goal, take some time, visit as much as you can, gather credible evidence and then you might have a case. As of right now, if its visitation you seek, sounds like you already have it. Just suck it up and drive the 3 1/2 hours to see her, spend the night in a hotel and then you get to see her the next day as well. That way it will show the judge if and when you decide to file for full custody that your bf is truly dedicated and that money isn't more important.

Christina - posted on 11/08/2010

172

25

5

Not only would I take her to court, but I'd also get DCFS to investigate her because from what you said, she sounds like she isn't a good mother. She lives with her parents who take care of this little girl while she on on the computer doing nothing. She has no job and it sounds like she never intends to get one and on top of that there are 11 people in a single trailer that also includes animals! In my book, that is UNACCEPTABLE!!! Take her to court and have your bf petition for FULL custody of this little girl. Do whatever it takes to get that little girl into a more stable environment and the sooner you do it the better! Good luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your bf and his daughter!

Jade - posted on 11/08/2010

43

5

5

not being funny but i think the problem may be her not wanting the child to be around you i would hate it if my partner was with someone else and i had to leave my child there for now why not just say if your worried about me then i will step back and when she and your bf are happy enogh to introduce you into the mix then fair enough but i do have a feeling thats whats going on i would feel anxious another woman round my child

Cherie - posted on 11/08/2010

1

7

0

This may sound harsh, I can understand the mother being 'over protective'. I think you need to step back an realise if this is her first child especially.. I am sure you yourself would/was this way when its your first, but sounds to me it needs to be settled in court. For all you know the mother may fear the father running off with her baby an having court papers stating visitation may actually settle her anxiety down. I wouldnt suggest to go to court an 'badmouth' her as this will not look very good on your behalf an may be taken the wrong way an the court understandin the mother holding back visitation. Though i would suggest you to bring it to the courts attention if the living situation is 'unstable' for the child.Good luck.

CRYSTINA - posted on 11/08/2010

6

30

0

I totally agree that this is messed up. My ex actually started dating his best friend, who he said he never liked and didn't leave his family for. Which was a lie, cause they have been dating for almost 7months now. I tried to be an adult after fighting with him not to bring my daughter around her, but it was mostly because I was jealous and I wanted my family. But, I would never keep him from our daughter. It's not her fault her father is dating someone I dont like and don't trust. That is the huge problems with ex's in any regard. It sucks a lot. One of my guesses would be that she still wants to be with him maybe, if she wont let their daughter come by herself...that's what I would think it would be like that. I wanted to be with my daughter every time my ex took her for the weekend and he'd let me...now after two years of not being together it doesn't happen so often, cause I'm over most of it. I hope it works out for you. Being the bigger person sometimes works and sometimes doesn't...Good Luck!

Ashley - posted on 11/08/2010

149

22

4

the mother sounds like a *bleep*. i dont care how many times the father or gf have seen the child since birth, the father has rights to see his kids if he wants it. the mother trying to say "you cant be alone with her" is rude and over protective. how is the kid supposed to know who her father is if he cant spend time with her one on one? the mother keeping her from him for this long is rediculous. start asking yourself questions on why she has kept her from him first off. is she just that rude or what? i know when i left my childrens father for 5 months we set up between us that he got our child every weekend. he would come get him on friday and i would go pick him up on sunday. i didnt get "child support" but he did buy me diapers when he needed them and clothes and a few extra bucks for spending money for him. we had what we needed. i lived with my parents while my bf lived at our house and took care of that. we worked through our problems like adults so i didnt find the need to take him to court, thankfully cuz we got back together. so this woman needs to get her head outta her arse and learn the real life. the father has rights and she needs to work with him or i would take her ass straight to court and have her hope that her kid dont get taken away as she so seems to be feeling( meaning i dont want her to be away from me)

Amber - posted on 11/08/2010

308

18

40

I have to side with the mom here but not totally. I would not let my children be that far away from me. My ex and I went threw court with out lawyers and he got every other Saturday and Sunday from 9am-5pm no overnights and he has to provide all transportation.

Leah - posted on 11/08/2010

286

20

6

"she is 17 months old. we have only been able to see her about 5 times in her entire lifetime"

I dunno Lacye, if I was this 17 month old's mother, I don't think I would want he being alone with her father and his girlfriend that have only seen her 5 times in her life too. I understand where she's coming from. Unless there was a court order stating that the father was REQUIRED BY LAW to see her unsupervised, I wouldn't let her out of my sight. I don't really understand what going to court and getting visitation rigths is going to change, if the mother doesn't drive you will still have to spend money and drive down there and get the baby and then drive back to your house. And when the weekend is over, drive back down to drop her off, so you would actually be spending more money.

Christina - posted on 11/08/2010

1,513

28

140

You need to go to court. You don't need a lawyer. The judge will award standard visitation for noncustodial parents in that state, which is every other weekend, usually beginning at 6pm Friday evening until 6pm Sunday evening. She has no right to say who her child is allowed to be around when her child is in her father's custody.

Sonia - posted on 11/07/2010

5

21

0

K here is some good legal advice for you. I went through the same thing but i was in the other side. If he is paying child support then there should be a set scheduled of when visitation should take place and where. Also she has to meet you half way to drop the baby off. You should not have to pay for the baby to go where ever all the time. Bottom line is yes you he does need to get a lawyer. Unless the mother proves that he is unfit and i mean he has to be the lowest of the low. She is not at all able to keep the baby away from the father if there is a visitation order. She is to somehow get the baby to him and if she doesn't then take her to court and I promise the judge will not go light.Visitation orders are very serious and protects the father and mothers rights. Also let say he does not have the money to pay one week and is a week behind, the mother of the baby still cant keep the baby away from him. By law child support has nothing to do with the right of visitation. You do not pay to see your child. Once he pays child support that's it he does not have to pay anything else. If you settle outside of court nothing is set in stone so it will not work I promise you I tried it. Key is he needs t protect his self just in case she gets mad and threatens him with the baby. You need to start DOCUMENTING!!!! It helps so much and does hold up in court. Write times, dates, every conversation, and word said. Hope everything works out for ya and I hop I was somehow some help to you.

Lacye - posted on 11/07/2010

2,011

31

160

Leah that would be a great thing to do, but unfortunately she has no driver's liscense, her parents drives her everywhere and she won't agree to have them bring her up here. she says we have to go down there every time.

Leah - posted on 11/07/2010

286

20

6

Well if his ex said she would come with the baby to your house, and you cannot afford the gas to drive down, why don't you switch weekends with her. One weekend she drives down to see you guys with the baby and the other weekend you guys go see her. Either way, the baby seeing her daddy is very important and money shouldn't be a deterent in that.

Rebecca - posted on 11/07/2010

109

27

8

Go to court. Get custody sorted and don't let her play any more games. There are a lot of mummies out there desperate for the bio daddy to want to be so involved. Get your rights. The person losing out the most his his daughter. She deserves to have her daddy in her life! Enough is enough

Chrystal - posted on 11/07/2010

419

25

47

If I were in your shoes, I would probably talk to my b/f about getting a lawyer and settling child custody in court. I'm sorry that you and your b/f have to go through that situation. Good luck:)

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms