Sapphira - posted on 02/04/2012 ( 23 moms have responded )
I have been married almost 4 years to my husband and we have a 16 month old son together. Over the last 2 years, we have had a lot of issues from simple things like respecting each other's interests to internet porn. I am not incredibly high strung about porn, but about two years ago, I had enough of it because my husband wasn't interested in having sex with me, but he was still looking at porn daily. I felt like I had been replaced by it.
We went to counseling for our issues for almost a year. But by "we" I mean that he went to counseling by himself one week and I went alone the next. We had maybe 3 sessions as a real couple before he refused to keep going at all anymore. When I was pregnant with my son, I found him subscribed to a site called IMVU where I found his profile and he was having "sexual relations" with others via his character or "avatar". I told him I felt like it was cheating and that it was going too far. He promised to stop.
A few months later, I found a Second Life account on our computer and when I opened the site, he was logged in and I saw that again, he was using it for cyber sexual relations. When I finally figured out how he had hidden it from me, I learned that he had a whole email account that he had never told me about.
When I logged into this email account, I found that he was not only on Second Life, but that he had an account on "sex search .com" which is a type of adult friend finder type website. He had made his profile when he was stationed overseas and I was stuck in the states still. Although it was completely set up, with graphic photos, a bio, and his "preferences", he had never used the site to meet anyone, as I discovered by the fact that no messages were ever sent or opened and that his account had been inactive since the day he registered. I almost left him, but he begged me to stay and started going to counseling.
About 8 months after I had my son, he and I split for about 2 months, living in different houses. When he moved back in, we were still in limbo about separating and the possibility of a divorce. After a few months of sleeping in separate bedrooms, we decided that we would maybe try a trial separation, but that neither of us wanted a legit separation because we wanted to remain loyal to one another. We still had 4 months until we would be able to move.
During those months, we talked about the possibility of staying together and working through our issues since we would be moving back to our home country and closer to friends and family for support and that it might help relieve some of our other stresses so that we could better focus on our marriage. I've been seriously considering this and started to get my hopes up that we might be able to stay together as a family.
Yesterday I was on the computer clearing out cookies and deleting old, unused files and I came across "sex zilla .com" on my computer. It turned out to be just like the other websites but more interactive and graphic. The timestamp on this was less than 2 weeks ago. I don't want to talk to him about it, but I know I have to. I am so angry and hurt and I feel like I'm at a breaking point with it all. I love my husband, but I also value myself and the integrity of my family.
Is this a form of cheating or am I being a prude? I don't know if he has ever actually touched another woman during our marriage and I don't have any evidence or proof that would make me believe that he has. I try not to go to my friends or family with stuff like this because I know they are bias in my favor. Divorce is a big thing though and I feel like I've worked my ass off to keep this marriage alive.
The thought of supporting my son and my household by myself is scary since I have no education. But I feel like that shouldn't be my deciding factor. I am trying to be logical about it and not let my emotions drown out common sense, but it's becoming too hard to handle, and I am tired of making exc=uses for his behavior. How would you react?