Contest Funny jokes /stories

Betty - posted on 08/19/2009

You know you are a step mom...

When you wake up one day and realize that you hate all the disney princesses for showing their face on every other outfit your child wears.

When candy is ok if it keeps her from whining that she's starving while I'm fixing dinner.

When it makes you laugh to see the child throw a fit over her legs being cold instead of just putting her pants on like you asked her to.

When people in public seem to feel sorry for your kids. "Don't feel bad for her she's not even mine!"

When putting together a puzzle is your idea of a good relaxing time.

When your 4 year old has forgotten that the man in the other room is her dad and instead is always asking you to wipe her butt.

When you find yourself wondering when the new episode of yo gabba gabba is going to air.

When you find yourself telling off other kids at the pool for splashing.

When you accidently pushed a 3 year old off the swing and don't feel guilty for it.

When Tang is your idea of keeping the family from getting sick.

When you're suddenly paranoid of germs at Mcdonalds so you won't let the kids eat the rest of their happy meal.

When you microwave eggs for breakfast as your idea of getting fancy.

When you would rather read a 4 year old bedtime stories than go hang out with your friends.

When you make up words to use with your child and use them while talking to adults without even thinking about it.

Last year I became a step mom and it really changed my perspective on what a parent is. I never knew that you could be proud of someone just for getting dressed on her own or eating a hamberger. Nothing she dose can disapoint me. She is perfectly imperfect. I don't care if she ever learns how to read or tie her shoes. I don't care if she never learns to clean up after herself. She is the best no matter what she dose because she is my step daughter. She could get sent home from school for streaking on the playground and I would probably just blog about it instead of getting upset about it. But that's OK because I'm a step mom. I laugh every day thanks to her.

This morning I tried teaching her about opposites. I explained to her what it meant to be an opposite of something and gave her a few examples. Then I asked what is the opposite of up, chair or down? Chair was her answer! What is the opposite of night, puppy or day? Puppy! Puppy is the opposite! Of course! I don't know why but this has somehow made my day. She is just so cute and willing to learn.

Lindsey - posted on 08/19/2009

Courtesy of my 5year old.

Have you ever seen an Elephant in a Cherry Tree ?
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They're good hiders arent they ?

Casey - posted on 08/18/2009

You know your a mother when:

You put something on you know got puked on yesterday but because you can't see it anymore it doesn't matter..
You're in the supermarket quietly singing the little einsteins theme song to yourself
randomly stopping the vaccuming to dance with your daughter in the middle of the day because she wants you to
you forget how it feels to shower without little heads popping in to see what you are doing
you forget how to pee without little heads popping in to see what you are doing....
you lick the icecream cone even when the cone is soggy and and the icecream has been used to moisturize your childs' face
the 6 second rule is now okay
its normal to find a rotting apple i your childs dresser, and playing find the smell becomes the norm ......
and finally .... your jeans are now not only pants but a place to wipe snot, soak up spew and anything else you come into contact with on a daily basis

Crystal - posted on 08/18/2009

Women translations for men:

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.



FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.



NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"



GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"



GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.



LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"



SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.



THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."



GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.



PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"



THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.



THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Missy - posted on 08/18/2009

You Know You're a Mom When ......

1. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.



2. When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.



3. You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.



4. You spend an entire week wearing sweats.



5. Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.



6. Popsicles become a food staple.



7. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.



8. Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.



9. You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.



10. Your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.



11. Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny.



12. You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!



13. Spit is your number one cleaning agent.



14. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds.



15. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.



16. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.



17. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.