Cutting off my mother...is it ok to cut her off from my son?

Stephanie - posted on 08/20/2010 ( 101 moms have responded )

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My son is 2 and my mother and I never got along, we just don't like eachother. After she disrespected and humiliated me for the last time, I decided to cut her out of my life. I live in Florida, she lives in California. I feel she is toxic and unloving. She loves my son to death, is it wrong to keep her from my son?

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Tana - posted on 08/25/2010

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I dont think it is. If you dont want her in your life its your choice. I also have cut my "mother" out of my life. She hasnt seen my oldest son since he was about 1 (before that she hadn't seen him at all) and she has never seen my 10 month old. I tried to give her another chance, which is why she seen my oldest son in the first place and obviously, it just smacked me in the face. I feel like, for me, it was the best decision and I still do. I doubt I will be seeing her or talking to her anytime soon either. If my boys want to see her when they are old enough to understand what's going on then they can make that decision for themselves.

Do what you feel is best :)

Marie - posted on 08/20/2010

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I personally feel that you should not let your own relationship affect their relationship, but its ultimately up to you. I don't want to tell you how to live your life or raise your child, but I do think that if she treats your child well and its possible to allow them a relationship without making you crazy you should let it be. Its unfortunate that you are in this situation, and I hope that you find a solution that works out for you and your child.

Liz - posted on 08/20/2010

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i dont think so your family is your first priority its not healthy to have someone around who is toxic to your family i would do it if i was in your postition

Stacey - posted on 08/25/2010

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I don't get a long with my mom either. I had my lil girl last yr & I did not let her see her until a little bit ago. Things are going good so far but I feel like the first time she mess up, I won't let her around agian. My child is the one that I don't want to suffer from this! So idk if ur mom is anything like mine keep her at arms reach ;(

Maggie - posted on 08/24/2010

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your family has to come first and if she is as "toxic" as you say she is then i think you are doing the right thing. however, tell your son about her and any good qualities that she does have so that when he is older he can make the decision to see her if he wants to.

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April - posted on 08/25/2010

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It is perfectly OK. You are being a good mother by keeping people who are bad for you and your child away from them. Just because someone has similar DNA doesnt make them good people. I had to cut my mother out of my childs life when he was 3, he is now 9 & she has never met my youngest. She is bad people & as mothers WE HAVE to protect them from bad people.

Nancy - posted on 08/25/2010

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Also remember ladies that your children will end up seeing bad behaviors in school, so what are we going to do isolate them from their friends and schools? I would rather think that we would instill morals and values in our children. Also there were a lot of alcholic's in my family and their behavior made me choose to only drink a no more than four drinks a year, because of my families drinking behaviors.

Nancy - posted on 08/25/2010

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There are questions that you might wish to ask yourself. I am a grandmother of four and my situation is unique. You might ask yourself what if your child grows up and does the very same thing to you. How would you feel? Just because you and your mother don't get along does not mean that she is not a good grandmother to your child. Be objective when you resolve what is really in your childs best interest. Traits can be learned such as do as I do and not as I say. As that saying does have a tendency to repeat itself. Food for thought.

Shalise - posted on 08/25/2010

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Me and my husband cut his mom out of our lives. She was very toxic and was always trying to break us up and was taking us to court and calling child protective services on us, etc... It was the best thing we ever did and haven't been as stressed since..good luck:)

Charlotte - posted on 08/25/2010

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My mother is toxic too. We had a big row around 2 weeks ago cos when I was being phisically abused by my now ex-hubby my parents knew about it but did nothing. My parents live in England and I live in France. At the time only a 5 hour crossing separated us in the winter and 3 hour crossing in the summer. I am their only child. My husband was an alcoholic and when my parents came to visit he confessed, in his drunken stupor, that he raped me regularly, tried to strangle me several times and verbally and phisically agressed me and our twin daughters then aged 1 year.
Now, 4 years later I have finally told my parents how much they dissappointed me as they did nothing despite what they knew. Their answer is that I wanted to marry him so it was my problem! They say that when they asked I said I was ok. Now they say I need to see a doctor if I truly believe what I said! Since the bust up, my mum has turned my dad and my aunty against me so it looks like I'm gona have to cut all of them out of MY life. However I won't stop any of them seeing mt daughters or my son (although they don't give a stuff about him).

Stephanie - posted on 08/25/2010

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I could have writted this myself and i too am currently debating this situation. My mum has never seen my son and has never made any efffort to see him. I hope you sort your situation out soon

[deleted account]

While I have no issues with my own mother, I have had issues with my mother-in-law. After her son left me (without paying any child support!), she came to my house to spy on me for him saying that she wanted to see the baby. I haven't let her see my daughter since. If your use of the term "toxic" is anything close to that then i would say that you were justified in what you did. But if it wasn't, I would suggest that you look within yourself and decide if you really think she's that "toxic" that she can't be around your son. There are many solutions in which you can choose to let him see her without you being around. My parents did that with one set of our grandparents. Maybe that is a better solution for you, seeing as how you are so unsure of your decision?

Callie - posted on 08/24/2010

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Stephanie only you know what is best for you and your son. I know how you feel, because I have had problems with my mother in the past. But in saying this I do have a good relationship with my mother now, its not great, but its better than before my husband and I got married. For all you know not having any contact with your mother may make her think a little bit, especially if she really loves your son. For her to humiliate you, she hasn't thought about the consequences of what her actions would do. So I say yes cut ties with her and cease all contact and hopefully she will see that what she has done has really hurt you. But if she wishes to apologise for what she has done to yoy, listen to her and see if she is genuine about it. It may take six months or it may take longer, but hopefully she will change her ways.

Melissa - posted on 08/24/2010

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I don't speak to my mother and haven't since i was 30 weeks pregnant with my 1st son... I think if you have cut off your mum then there must be a good reason for it and you dont need a person you dont want in your life around your baby... Don't let anyone tell you different because if they knew why they would more then likely agree with you!!! Also if you let her in you baby's life then you are letting her back in yours... stay strong and if your son wants to know later in life tell him but i think you are doing the right thing by stopping contact altogether.

Lyndsay - posted on 08/24/2010

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Yes, it is. She has done nothing wrong to him and, as you say, she loves him to death. Don't let your hard feelings for her get in the way of a potentially loving grandma for your son. I think if there are issues or abuse or neglect, then that's a different story... but because you "just don't like her", I don't think thats right.

Lacee - posted on 08/24/2010

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nope it's not wrong why should she have the right to treat you like crap and still have the privelege to see your son. do what you feel is right.

Shayna - posted on 08/24/2010

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Sometimes you have to put your differences aside. If your mom is good and loving to your son then while you both are together try not to fight or argue in front of him. If you are in FL and your mom is in Cali, how much interaction do you have anyway? When you do see each other you just need to set some ground rules, certain subjects are not to be brought up, no arguing, no interfering with your parenting ect. It's good for kids to have a healthy relationship with their grandparents if it's possible.

Megan - posted on 08/24/2010

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Stephanie- I have done the same once before and have decided to do it again; possible for good. My mother is extremely toxic to my life/soul. She is a pathalogical liar, although I dont think she even knows it. She doesn't respect me as a mother so when I leave my 2 year old son with her...she thinks that because she is free, white, and over 21 years old that she can do whatever it is that she pleases with MY son. Maybe that was the relationship that she had with her mother when myself and my siblings were younger...but I have vocalized and stipulated many times that my relationship with her will not be that way. She came to stay the weekend with my 2 year old when my husband and I went to the cabin...she told me she needed his carseat. When I asked what for, she didnt want or think she needed to tell me. She thought it was about trusting her. She asks "do you trust me? Needless to say, I didnt actually answer her, because no, I dont trust her. When my husband and I returned home we found that our caller ID list had been erased along with the history on our computer. When I confronted her about both things, I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was lying to me. Sad really. I recently caught my grandmother lying as well. Seems the apple doesnt fall far from the tree in some cases. I expect more from my family, and I dont think thats a bad thing. When they can grow up and learn to be honest, trustworthy adults...then I might consider opening my door to them. Until then...their behavior is NOT condoned by me or my husband and will no longer be tolerated. These behaviors are not ones that we wish for our children to pick up on.

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2010

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If you feel she is toxic then yes I would keep him from her. You don't want him coming home and calling you the names she calls you or learning to disrespect you. Untill she can be respectful towards you she has no need to see/talk to your son.

Brenda - posted on 08/24/2010

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So far apart I don't think it really matters. There are always ways to avoid her if/when she comes to visit so you don't have to deal with her. But the end decision is yours and yours alone. I cut my kids' grandparent out because she's emotionally abusive to me their dad and me, and I don't regret it. However there wasa problem a couple months ago and they did see her but I refussed too, so their dad dealt with it ( his mom).

Fawn - posted on 08/24/2010

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I will tell you that its up to you, but you also need to think about your children and if you want them around her. My mother was out of the pic. while I was growing up except for a couple of phone calls. She went so far as to tell me she never wanted me. But she has been a better grandmother to my 4 children then she ever could have been as a mother.

Ashley - posted on 08/24/2010

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if she is going to openly disrespect you infront of your family (your child) I don't think its wrong. You don't want your son to grow up to think its ok to treat people like that....I would let her know the deal. My mother is an alcoholic, has tons of health issues due to her addictions and she has been drinking 21 years, I told her its either her grandsons or the booze I am not going to have them growing up going to grandmas house and watch her drink all day...I think if its toxic do what is best for you and your son

Allison - posted on 08/24/2010

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I dont know you or your mom but how would cutting her out really in the long run benefit you or your child? I in general dont get along with my mother either we are to alike for our own good. She ignores me half the time when i tell her not to do something with my son, she constatnly tells me i'm wrong or not doing something right and you know what she makes me angry as hell when she does that but she's my mom and no matter how she or i act i know she loves me. And I'm grateful to her she helps me out alot. she only wants whats best for me and mine and i'm willing to bet the odds are your mom just wants whats best for you and yours even if you and she disagree on what that is.

unless your mom is being abusive to your child in someway this would serve no purpose any way. the girl above whose mother was "brainwashing" her child should hold this in mind its up to her not her mom on how the baby views her other grandparents.

Andrea - posted on 08/24/2010

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unfortunately, yes it is. your son loves her and will blame you if you ruin their relationship

Danielle - posted on 08/24/2010

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I did the same thing with my mother. You will always find people who don't understand a decision like this, and who will tell you that it's unfair to your mom and your son. The way I feel is that my mother isn't someone I would want around my daughter ever anyway. What is my daughter really missing out on? Her grandmother trying to brainwash her into thinking that the other set of grandparents is bad and that she shouldn't love them? Like she did with me and my father's side of the family? The people who don't understand this have never been in a position to make this decision, and just can't fathom ever cutting someone like your own mom out. But people who have had toxic people in their lives will never ever judge you for it. So stick to your guns. If you feel this was the best choice than you're most likely absolutely right.

Kellie - posted on 08/24/2010

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i have cut off ties with nearly all the family. my son does not have anything to do with his dad side at all.. tbf at the end of the day u and u only no whats best for your son and if theres going to be an atmosphere all the time hes going to pick up on it .. my son also has nothing to do with my moms parents or her family ad at the moment he has nothing to do with my dads parents ad there family.. theres to many arguments and they argued terribly infront of him and i wont allow it h doesnt need to start hi life in such bad situations if i can avoid them xx

Tanya - posted on 08/24/2010

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omg i have the same problem with my mother in law!! My fiance chose to cut her out of our sons life. She puts on an act to the rest of the family "oh her 1st grandchild." "she loves him" "he is so cute" all fake! She has come to visit him once in the 3 1/2 months he has been home i took him over there once and she held for 5 min. She only lives like 10 miles away!!i know that material things shouldnt matter but she hasnt given him ANYTHING!! at my baby shower nothing and to this day yet to recieve anything a stuffed animal a card even!! She is soo fake and is always lying about the randomest things. oh man you guys are going to laugh at this i just have to post it... This past mothers day my fiance sent her flowers from pro flowers they arrived i think a day or two early because it was cheaper that way and this lady goes on on how she NEVER gets flowers so when she gets them what do you think she does?? she puts them in her youngest daughter's room under her desk!! WTF! and doesnt even call her son to thank him. That was the last straw for him. We thought that was so disrespectful he decided he doesnt want her around our son. He occasionally talks to her (when he has to) but we just keep our distance and are making changes so that she wont be around our son to much. She was going to watch him when i went back to work but now just many little things i dont feel comfortable with her watching my son. I feel like she would maybe neglect him or hurt him in some way. As a mom it is YOUR responsibility to protect your children because no one else will. If she is loving to your son i think maybe you have hope of resolving your issues with her. Have a firm talk with her and let her know i am an adult and i deserve respect if you cant even respect me then i dont feel that you are a good example for my son. Giving her a little threat might make her come around.

Laura - posted on 08/23/2010

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I have not spoken with my mother in about 5 months . She is Toxic and I do not want to be around her and I do not want my kids around her. I think you made the right choice.....

Suzie - posted on 08/23/2010

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After years of mental games from my Mom my husband and I were faced with the same decision 1200 miles was a good start but we cut her out because of her behavior and the games she put her own 6 kids through we still do not get along because of the scares and i dont want that for my daughter

Mariah - posted on 08/23/2010

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I know just how you feel, i have cut my mother and father out of my life twice, the first time for almost 3 years, and the second well, we're going on 7 months now. the first time i wasn't married though i was living with my husband, and this last time, i have a almost 3 year old and 10 month old. i think she loves my kids, oh except for the fact that she thinks my son is "retarded" because he didn't start speaking til a couple months ago. she and i never really got along either, one of my earliest memories is her telling me she never wanted a girl. but to answer your question, no i don't think it's wrong to keep your son away from her, it is your job to protect him, you have to do whats best for you. i hope it all works out.

Sarah - posted on 08/23/2010

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well if you know she will eventually be bad for him ie trying to turn ur son against you then definitely cut her off, we cut my mother inlaw off because she was toxic not only to us but to the kids aswell, she used to say bad things about my step sons mum infront of him.

Ashley - posted on 08/23/2010

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My "mother" stopped talking to my Grandma when I was about 12. I hated her for it. My grandma was the one that raised me and I believe she did nothing wrong to have her three youngest grandkids riped from her. I resent also being away from my cousins who I've always been extermely close with.
On the other hand.....I cut my "mother" out of my life before I was married or pregnant. My choice to do so is because she is a drunk and a drug user. She has always made it loud and clear that her kids were not important to her and that her boyfriends were. I had very little to do with her until she found out that I was getting married, than she wanted to be apart of my life. I put down very firm rules about her attending the wedding. She thought that I was being unfair to her but we wanted a sober wedding we didn't serve alcohol to the point where we had the dinner at the church where alcohol wasn't allowed. When she found out I was pregnant she called my Grandma's house a left a message on her voicemail that I was a whore and she wanted nothing to do with my bastard (I was married and am still happily married to my husband). I feel like she has made her bed and needs to sleep in it now.
However IF she changes her life around and stops the drinking and drugs I will let her see her only grandson SUPERVISED by my uncle. I will have nothing to do with her, she's burned that bridge. And of course when my son's 18 I have no say in the matter.

Jodi - posted on 08/23/2010

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I think it's unfair to your son to take his right to know his grandmother away. I also think it's unfair to take away your mother's right to get to know her grandson as well. That being said, you are the mom and you hold that power and control, the final outcome is in your hands.

AMBER - posted on 08/23/2010

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Me personally yes I think its wrong fro you to keep her away from your son...maybe she is different with him than she is with you or others...i know that may sound dumb, but im serious... now you cutting her no thats not wrong, but just bcuz you dont get along doesnt mean ur son should have to suffer

Sara - posted on 08/23/2010

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I think you have to do what is best for you and your son. There is no reason to have a toxic individual in your life, and who is to say that when your son gets older that she won't treat him the same way that she treats you. I have cut family members out of my children's life for those kinds of reasons. It is your job as a mother to protect your children and if you feel that you need to keep someone away from them to protect them, then that is what you need to do.

Charlotte - posted on 08/23/2010

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Who takes more priority, your mother or your son? If your mother disrespects and humiliates you in front of your son, who is your son going to respect more? You or your mother? Just a thought.

[deleted account]

I don't think that any of us know enough of your story to give you the right answer.

My grandmother and my mother never got along. My mother cut her out of our life when I was six. I had a good relationship with her and always hated that she did that to me. I spent 19 years without any contact with my grandmother, until she finally got facebook and looked for me. Now we have a good relationship.

As I am older I no longer am mad at my mother for taking grandma out of my life, because I know that it was best for my mom. If they were in contact my whole life, I would probably sense the hatred for eachother and not like grandma anymore...now that I am an adult, and decided to restart a relationship with her I don't feel like I lost out on anything. Even though I was pretty mad at my mom in the beginning.

Only you know the right thing to do.

Amanda - posted on 08/23/2010

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I don't think it's a bad thing. I also just a few months ago cut my grandmother (who raised me ) out of my life because she was very emotionally and mentally abusive my whole life and i saw her start doing the same thing to my son. She loves the hell out of my daughter but wont accept my son so i cut ties with her and that side of my family fully.

[deleted account]

I seriously thought I was reading MY post.. we're in the same boat girl! Toxicity is horrible and just like in the wild.. a mama protects her cubs by any means possible. It's our mother's that are losing out!! Stand your ground! Best of Luck!



PS I tried many times.. this is now 10 years later... and it never got any better. So I am done!

Jennifer - posted on 08/23/2010

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I am in a simular situaation with my mother in law. I have decided that the best thing for my son is for him not to know her she's a very hateful and unloving person...and i am not going to let her ruin my son life because she has issues with his father and I...but i would have to say that if she is very loving and caring to your son and shes not doing anything to harm him or your relationship with him then maybe you could set you diffrences aside so he can see grandma. Now i'm not saying you have to be all buddy buddy when hes not involved. But obviously it is completly up to you and what you feel is best for your child...hopefully i could help some...and best of luck to you..

Amber - posted on 08/23/2010

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i cut my dad off aftr tellingme he wasnt bringing my son back to me one day aftr he was there visiting. ur kids become ur life and u shld do what u believe is right.

Lisa - posted on 08/23/2010

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You need to do what is best for your son and if that is to keep your mom away from him then thats what you need to do. You will know deep down what is best for your son, that's the voice you need to listen to.

Veronique - posted on 08/23/2010

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I don't think it's wrong! It's her fault. If she would have given you respect then she wouldn't be losing her daughter and her grandson. I don't have that problem with my mom but i have the same problem with my dad. I decided 1 month ago that enoug was enough. He doesn't respect my husband, he always makes stupid comments about him or makes fun of him. You know my first priority is my family, meaning my husband and kids and if anyone messed with any of them i will defend them and protect them with my life. So i say kuddos to you sweety! :-) Chin up !

Melissa - posted on 08/23/2010

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it is ok to cut her off from your life if she is toxic to you, and if she is the same with your child and it is effecting your family and the child then you should keep your distance. you are responsible for your kids life and upbringing and if you feel someone is going to endanger that you have every right to remove yourself and your family from that situation.

Cara - posted on 08/23/2010

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I can't blame you one bit. My M.I.L and I don't get along very well and she makes no attempt at all to have any kind of relationship with me. She loves my daughter but she would be quite happy if i just died or disappeared. I told my husband that I don't want her in my childrens life if she can't be in mine too. Whether she likes it or not I am and always will be her grandchildrens mother and her sons wife.



I also do not want her around my children without me around because she chose to get violent with me in front of my daughter and disrespect me in many ways, that is something I don't want my kids to ever have to deal with again.

Stefanie - posted on 08/23/2010

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i dont think so. Im going through the same thing with my mother. all we do is fight. and yes she does love ,y kids she jus doesn't respect me & i really dont know any other way to get thru to her

Christi - posted on 08/23/2010

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If you truely feel that way then you do what you need to for your own sanity and your son's sanity. My mother died when I was 18 and I would kill to have her here with me, but we always got along.

Marcie - posted on 08/23/2010

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I had cut my mom off for two years after she disrespected me by giving my first born at two months old a drop of beer. I don't blame you for fealing the way you do about your situation. But you both have alot of distance and that makes it so much easier, me and my mom only live one county away from each other. I let her see my daughter and son who she never seen b-4 for the first time in two years about 6 months ago but have not spoken with her since. Why is it when us women have the babies our mothers think that we have no clue on how to raise our kids? We do know a little something and don't always need them at our side telling us what we should do and how to do it cause if we didn't know then we would not have had the kids to begin with. Hope it helps and good luck to you.

Angella - posted on 08/23/2010

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I don't think it is wrong. You have to do what is right for your family. If your mother is toxic and disrespectful to you she may inadvertently show your son that is is okay to disrespect you. Your mother need to understand that in order to be involved with your son she needs to show respect to his mother. No matter how much she loves him it does not give her a automatic pass to your baby. This may seem cold but you gotta do what you gotta do. Good Luck.

Elysia - posted on 08/23/2010

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you have got to do what you think is best for child and your own little family. I dont have a relationship with either of my parents due the choices they made and they way they chose to live their lives. I have a 17month old son and a 1 month old daughter and they have never seen either of them. Even if you choose to cut her out now there is no reason why when you son is older he cant start a relationship with her if thats what he chooses. My advice though is dont put her down to him let him make his own decision.

Ashley - posted on 08/23/2010

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hello stephani my names ashley i have a 7 year old son and i have the same feelings towards my mother only i havnt totally cut her out of my life same reason is she is a good grandma to my son but i cant forgive her for the things she put me through so as much advice as i can give without knowing the situation is that as long as she makes your son happy thats what matters but you are your sons mother and u know whats best for him

Elizabeth - posted on 08/22/2010

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IF she is toxic for YOUR growing family then it is perfectly fine and healthy. I did the same thing three months back to my own mother. I have been stress free since. Sometimes a long break is needed.

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