difficult choice...advice please

Jess - posted on 07/19/2010 ( 86 moms have responded )

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I'm 22 will be 23 this september. I have one son who is 13 months old. I had always told myself that I wanted another child so that my son would have a blood sibling. I started dating my boyfriend (he's not my son's dad but he treats my son like he's his own) almost a year ago. He has twin 3 year old boys with his ex wife and just found out he has a 3 month old daughter from an ex girlfriend. We had talked about kids and our future and he said in a few years we'll have another baby. I brought up the topic again and he told me that there is no way we're having another child. He is 32 but I love him to death and he is undeniably my soulmate. I'm having a hard time coming to grips weather I should leave him just in the pursuit of having another baby or to stay and be happy with what I have. I am diabetic and will face complications sooner or later, so my time being able to get pregnant is limited to 1 1/2-2 years. I'm hurt, but I can also see where hes coming from. I just need to know that I'm doing the right thing by staying with him.

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Brianna - posted on 07/19/2010

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follow your dreams!!! dont let a man that your not married to and have only been with for a year make this decision for you! its not fair to you and if you guys end up braking up you will regret not doing what you wanted. honesty the first year or two is still the "honeymoon" stage. I think at the 4 year mark is where you really know someone. So therefore dont turn your back on your dreams so easily maybe he just needs a little time since he just found out he has another child.

Emma - posted on 07/19/2010

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do you love him enough to stay and never have another child just make do with the 1 or do you feel that you will regret never having another child and thinking about what could have been for the rest of your life! you need to think what is best and if you could really come to terms with never having another baby, if the answer is you cant then he is not the man for you! unless you can pursuade him otherwise!

Jodie - posted on 07/22/2010

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if you are questioning your relationship, then it obviously doesn't mean to you as much as you think it does. When you meet that special person, you will never doubt it :) We are not meant to be with people that are perfect for us..our spouses are suppose to help teach us patience and mercy. I'm glad that this man has taken your son as his own, but at 32 most men are not planning to expand their families.. It sounds to me that you already know what you should do...it is time for you to answer the question that you keep asking yourself.

Jamie - posted on 07/22/2010

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The best advice my mother ever gave me on marriage was to agree about children and finances because for most people both are deal breakers. If you stay you might resent him later on which destroys relationships. I would ask if there is any way he would change his mind and if not... I would really consider how important another child is...

Francesca - posted on 07/20/2010

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Wow, so many things going on.



First, how long have you been with him? If he just found out he has a 3 month old daughter, you may need more time to get to know eachother before the whole kids topic comes up again.



Secondly, step back and relax. If diabeties is managed properly you have nothing to fear.



Third, give the guy a break. He already has three kids. One of which he didn't know about and is now responsible for. He may change his tune when things settle down



Fourth. I think you should find out how he is handling his three kids, and what kind of dad he is. How he is accepting responsibility and taking care of them? If you had a baby with him, would his behaviour be good enough? This situation is a great learning opportunity.



In the meantime, enjoy your 13 month old. Take the time to get to know this guy. Enjoy being 22 almost 23. Let the dust settle. You will see. Everything changes with time.



And even if it doesn't. Blood siblings are great. But don't overlook the bonds blended families have. My step-mom and step-sister were in the delivery room with my when I gave birth to my daughter. Not my blood sister. Most people think my step-brother and I look so alike. And that our kids have the same brown eyes, and play with eachother every week. Funny, since there is no blood relation!



Whether or not you have a baby with this guy; if you are serious about this guy, and he is of you, there can't be an us vs them mentality regarding your kids. They are all both your children. Just your children have extra parents elsewhere. No favourites, all loved! And then they will have the same benefits blood siblings have.



Good luck. I am sure when the dust settles everyone can talk about things much clearer. And if your concerned about your diabeties contact the diabeties association. Both my sister and grandfather have diabeties and they got lots of help from them.



Good luck!

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86 Comments

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Katie - posted on 07/26/2010

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i mean, if you really believe he's your soulmate don't leave him. that would make you unhappy. but if you really want more children explain it to him how you would like to have another one tha you created. tell him how een though you care for his other children it is not the same as your own and you would like to have another child that would be blood related to your son. plain and simple just express this to him.

Karla - posted on 07/26/2010

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i think its too early to be pushing him into a second child alrede he said tht in the future he may have another now not at all which tells me ur badgering him about it leave it be and enjoy being a family with just one atm maybe he will change his mind later on :)

Michelle - posted on 07/26/2010

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stay, you never know he could just change his mind in a few months. if you really love him and he is your soulmate, stay. give him a few months.

Donna - posted on 07/26/2010

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maybe its a hard thing to do but if he is your soulmate maybe you could get involved with him having his other children to stay more often so that your son feels more like he has siblings. i have a partner who has two other children and our son loves them to bits because i make sure whenever i have free time we have them stay even if my partner is working so they have formed a bond. i get on really well both of them.

Maggie - posted on 07/26/2010

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Sorry 4 being diabetic, i can feel u but just speak to him and he might change his mind about having another baby.Jess u don't know what God has in store 4 u.

Nicole - posted on 07/26/2010

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If you think in the future you could possibly end up resenting him for your not having another child, then it would be better you left.
It comes down to whether you want to be with him, more than you are wanting another child.

Sandra - posted on 07/25/2010

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I dont mean to sound mean when i say this.. But he has 3 kids that he knows of, Is he there for them, why isn't he still with the mother of his kids?If ur b/f loved you he would give you want you want to make you happy, even if not right away. I dated this guy for over a yr he isnt the father of my child, but he had 4 kids at time n one on way, we never had money, never could do anything had to stay home all the time, couldn't go out to eat, or antyhing.. I loved him alot and could say he was my first true love, but i didn't want that type of life.. I never even had money to take my daughter out and do nice things i do now and wasn't going to put that on my daughter cuz it wasn't fair. I can go to the zoo, musuem, travel, buy her a toy and not worry if im going to have enough.. If you want another baby, have it with someone who is willing to have kids and perferbly have maybe one child, or none.. And if he cant accept your son then he dont need you because ya'll are a package not pick and choose..

Jessi - posted on 07/25/2010

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all growing up when i had a tough decision to make my dad would always ask me " which outcome scares you the most?" or "which outcome would you regret more looking back" or my favorite,"hun what do you want the most its that simple".. so i ask you.... "which scares you the most ? being without your soulmate or not having another child .....looking back would you regret leaving him .... what do you want more?? ........i also think that it isnt fair having to choose between a man or a precious child it isnt fair to you at all eso since he changed the game on you all of a sudden without any discussion that was beyond unfair. he knew you wanted another and he shouldnt back out on you . he expects you to understand that he is finished having kids but he should understand that you still want them also . i hope that in the end you dont have to choose between where to put your love you shouldnt have to its wrong to be asked to choose. i hope you can have them both but i also hope that in what ever happens you are content and supremely happy good luck hun hope my dads simple yet thought provoking questions help you as much as they always did me!

Laura - posted on 07/25/2010

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I am also diabetic, do not limit yourself to that time frame, unless your endocrinogist has stated otherwise. I am 26 years old having my second child. I have had no comications so far (keep your fingers crossed) I would give him time, to adjust to finding out about his daughter, don't count it out completely once he has recooped so to speak broach the subject again.

Kathrina - posted on 07/25/2010

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Hi Jess! You must be having a really hard time. But remember that life is all about choices. Which is MORE important to you -- having another child or your boyfriend? It's as simple and complicated as that. :)

Lindsey - posted on 07/25/2010

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If you love him and are happy with him than stay with him. He may change his mind later on about children, but if you love him you shouldnt hold it against him. Will having another child make you more happy than if you were to stay with him the rest of your life?

Shalaina - posted on 07/25/2010

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The youngest baby is 3 months old + 9 months of pregnancy and you have been with him for a year. Was he cheating on you or with you or did you happen to start dating right after he broke up with her? Just wondering.
Don't let him make up your mind, you have only been with him for a year (and are not married) and if you want another one you should! Also, make sure he is the one who you truly want to have a child with and if so talk to him again.
Emma took the words out of my mouth and summed it up nicely! Good luck and God Bless!

Rachel - posted on 07/25/2010

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Have you explained to him the importance of haven another baby? If not, maybe that will help him change his mind..

Kat - posted on 07/25/2010

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If you love him so much, I'd stay with him at least a bit longer. If he just found out about baby number three, it's going to take him a bit of time to get adjusted to having her in his life too. Right now, he's probably concerned with how he's going to fit another child into his life, and is probably determined on being in a married or very committed relationship if he's going to have more kids. Right now, all you can do is make sure that he understands exactly how you feel: that you are young, and that you are determined to have another child and would like it to be with him. Have him examine his life and priorities and where he would like to be in his life in 5 years. If that doesn't include the possibility of another baby, then it's time for you to move on. Give him the opportunity to understand how you feel and figure things out, but be honest with yourself if he doesn't give you the answer you want to hear.

Felicia - posted on 07/24/2010

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You need to decide how important having another baby is to you. If it is the world to you then you and you don't go for it, you may blame him anyways. That in the end could strain your relationship anyways

Stacy - posted on 07/24/2010

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yes you are maybe right now just aint the right time later on down the road talk about

Mariah - posted on 07/24/2010

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I'm a type 1 diabetic and I'm also 27. I just had my first baby last October when I was 26. You can have a baby at any time as long as your sugars are under control. If you want to have another baby and you will regret it later in life then you shouldn't stay with him if he's not willing to take your feelings into consideration. I agree with what Abbey said.

Abbey - posted on 07/24/2010

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If i am doing the math correctly he left his ex not much after finding out she could possibly be pregnant. My husband originally was not in favor of having children but before we got married I told him I would not marry a man who would not be willing to have a child with me because a family was important to me. It is not a weakness to stay nor is it to want another child. If you are truly happy with a man who is not willing to consider your feelings while you consider his you may reconsider the relationship altogether.

Lisa - posted on 07/24/2010

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girl he has more than you need i belive in the package deals but my gosh ..after you become pregnant are you going to be the next ex with his baby? keep moving one will come alone and you wil have his first baby...

Amy - posted on 07/24/2010

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I had the same problem, I was with a guy I loved very much for almost 6 years, but I always knew I wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything, and he was most likely never going to want that. I had to make the choice whether to stay with him, and never be completely happy, or lose him, and take the chance I would find the life I always wanted out there. We broke up 4 years ago, my life is nowhere near perfect now, but I have a fiance' I love, and a beautiful 5 month old girl, and we plan on at least having one more. I'm a bit older, 28, I still miss him, but I know in my heart it was right for me. 4 years later he is still living the same life he was when we were together, I know I would have been extremely unhappy to stay with him knowing he would more than likely never give me what I wanted! Do what is best for YOU and your child. He already has 3 kids, 2 baby mamas, besides all the drama you will have to endure, do you really want to settle for a guy you may love and he may be your soulmate, but who has to support 3 other children and probably wont' give you another? That would break my heart. I'm sorry hon, but it is a horrible decision you have to make. It's hard, believe me! But you will find someone who loves you enough to give you the life you want, trust me.

Brittany - posted on 07/24/2010

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I say there is plenty of other fish in the sea and like you said you badly want another child and he is not willing to give that 2 you. I say find someone else I'm sure you can find another man that will make you just as happy as he does and more so because hopefully that person will be willing to have a child with you.

Dawn - posted on 07/24/2010

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well i understand your feelngs how ever he is paying aot in child support with 3 kids so how is he going to be able to support another child. and you and your child it is something you really need to think about it can u come to terms that another baby is not affordable with him or do you move on and start another relationship just to have a baby...

Vixi - posted on 07/24/2010

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If he is denying you something you so obviously want then maybe he is not the right one for you. In the next 1 1/2-2 years if you haven't had another baby and it's too late you might end up resenting him for it, but then there's no guarantee that if you leave him now, between now and then u will meet someone and get pregnant to them.

Sit your bf down and ask him why he doesn't want another baby, see his point of view and then give him your side. Tell him it would make your family complete and something you have made together.

If he is still adament then maybe you should give the relationship a whole check and see if it is really fulfilling both your needs.

Good luck x

JESSICA - posted on 07/24/2010

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Yea you are but just know that having another baby just isn't up to him. You only have one & want another one I don't really think that it is fair to you to say no.I think that the agreement has to be mutual so I hope that this has helped

Christina - posted on 07/24/2010

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Shawn wanted another child when we got together. He has one son, and I have four kids (two of each.) I told him flat out no at first, then said I would consider it in a few years. Now he is content with our five kids, thank GOD! You have to decide what is right for you. If you can't be happy without another child, then move on. There are no guarantees in life though and even if you do get pregnant again, anything could happen. How long have you been together?

Jillian - posted on 07/23/2010

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If you're set on having another baby and he doesn't want another one, you have to decide if having a baby is worth leaving a good guy. There are no guarantees that you will find another guy who you will love as much. Plus you say you only have a year or two to have a baby. That means you would barely know another guy before you have a baby with him.

Amy - posted on 07/23/2010

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That's an easy answer for me, personally. I have been with my husbans for 11 years. We dated for 5 years and have been married for 6 years...... For the last 9 years of our ralationship, he was very solid on not EVER wanting children. I love him completely, and even though I always wanted children, I was willing to go with it, leaving him was never an option for me. Then about 2 years ago, he had an accident at work....he didn't get hurt..just bruised. It made him re-evaluate his life though. He came home from work one day and told me that he was more than willing, and that if I wanted to he was fine with my getting off birth control....and today, we are expecting our first baby!! He's been walking around puffed up and proud ever since. If you love him, completely, give him time. Don't give up on him. It's rare to find someone that you can really call your soul mate.

Lisa - posted on 07/23/2010

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He may not be there forever as much as you hope he will. things dont always go the way we want. If he really loves you he'll take your feelings and wants into concideration. Its not your fault he has 3 kids with 2 women.

Chris - posted on 07/23/2010

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If you stay with him, then the two of you have enough kids combined. If you don't, my best advice is to find someone with a similar goal... If he has a 3 month old daughter from an x girlfriend, then that was maybe... a year ago. If you've been together less than a year, then I would say that you haven't been together long enough to know if you were *soulmates* where you are both going in life...

Sheryl - posted on 07/23/2010

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setting down and talking about it is that best thing for the two of you to fully hear each out on this choice. cause it not an easy one. i had to make the choice not to cause of how the last birth went was really not good health wise for him or me. then on top of that the cost of the kids we already have. that may be what it is for him. so really talk to him. sometime we have to live with the blessing we already have. cause love doesn't come without give and take. sometime we can't all get want we wont. live is just not always far. so i would talk to him about it.

Ana - posted on 07/23/2010

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Jess, you need to think everything through in having another child. If you want to have a child, so that your son doesn't have to be alone, that good. Every child needs brother or sister, but the man you are with, isn't having the same thought as you. You need to be with some one else that wants to have child and that can be your happiness. Think about it, if he isn't wanting the same thing as you. Let him go!

Alisha - posted on 07/23/2010

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if you love him and you are sure that he is the right one for you then i say stay with him cause if you think about it even though their not yours by blood you will be gaining 3 more children, his children just as he is gaining your little one. And i agree with what Sofia says give him a little bit of time and talk to you doctor. Hope this helps

Sofia - posted on 07/23/2010

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give him some time, maybe because he just herd he is having another child with with his ex girlfriend... about your time talk to your doctor about possible options for you to get pregnant in the future with your condition... hope that helps. Men can get very stressed out when they hear they're having a child... and with an ex girlfriend, he probably just wants to move on with his life with youand feels tied... Give him some time... and I mean months not just a couple days. Don't drop hints or anything, you never know maybe he'll have a change of heart...

Sheelah - posted on 07/23/2010

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i hope you can chose whats best for you i have a 14month old son and a teenage step son and i want one more of my own and most days my husband says hes not sure if he wants another one....that is hard....im not even sure what i would really feel....i would never get a divorce but i would most definetly be upset about it....i hope you choose whats right for you......

Kelly - posted on 07/23/2010

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My hubby had 2 teenagers when I met him, I had no kids. He is 9 years older than me, and he didnt want any more kids.
About 6 months into the relationship we had a good talk, and I told him I couldnt go thru life without having a child of my own.
We decided we would have just 1 together, which we did, and then we decided to have another so am expecting baby number 2 in a couple of weeks.
I think u just have to let him know how strongly u feel, and that time is running out for u to have more kids with ur illness.
U gotta follow ur heart tho, and do what is best for u!!
Good luck xx

Casey - posted on 07/23/2010

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Honestly if you want another baby now then thats not ever going to change, his going to have to compromise because you will probably end up regretting it later on if you don't have that other child. My mum always wanted another child after I was born but my father was selfish and didn't want another so he went and had a vasectomy without my mum knowing so she never got to have that other child and even now 26 years later she still loves him but also still resents him for doing that to her and she always says that she has felt that there is something missing in her life.

Alisha - posted on 07/22/2010

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Agreeing on the number of children is a huge thing that couples need to completely agree on. Ask him why he told you yes and then no, you should be able to have more children if you want and tell him how much it tears you up inside that he is telling you that you can't have another child with him. Have you talked about getting married first?

Jessica - posted on 07/22/2010

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thats a toughie but you love him yet you'll find yourself trying to "mother" other things to fill that void.

Onda - posted on 07/22/2010

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Wow that is tough :( I guess you have to really decide if having another child is really worth rushing into another relationship and hoping for the best. You're young and he's probably to the point in his life that he doesn't want to keep having kids. I know it doesn't seem like there's a huge difference in your age and his but there is. I'm 29 and when I think back to when I was 22-23 I can see how much I have truly changed and that I'm not even the same person. I would bring it up again and express how much this really means to you. Let him know that this may be something that could make or break your relationship but don't make him feel like he has to pull his pants down right there to give in. I understand wanting to have more kids. I want 4 more, my husband want 1 maybe 2. lol Good luck!

Danielle - posted on 07/22/2010

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he need to consider your feelings as well...he's probably just overwhelmed that between the 2 of you there is already four small children...but you need to tell him how important more children is to you...but maybe you guys should get married first so there isnt any concern as to whether he is the one you will marry. if he doesnt want to..id say give him a year, see if your feelings change, if he doesnt propose or start coming around to what is extremely important to you...it might b time to find someone without three kids already.

Jennifer - posted on 07/22/2010

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@Abby, i think an 'accident' would only cause a break up in the end anyway, especially if he found out otherwise. i don't think i would have suggested this.

Abby - posted on 07/22/2010

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Ok, after reading your concern again and some comments of others..... Did he cheat on you??? if thats the case he may not be the soulmate you think and is going to cause pain in the future...

Abby - posted on 07/22/2010

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This must be really hard, I have had two miscarriages and wanted a child so badly- at first my husband didn't want us to go to the pain again and was against it. I eventually changed his mind and right now we are 3 mths pregnant. If changing his mind isn't an option then- this may sound awful but what if it was an 'accident' you got pregnant with his child?? Birth control fails all the time. He sounds like a good man and you don't want to lose him, especially if this is your only problem- I'm sure he would make a wonderful father to this child too.

Abby - posted on 07/22/2010

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I'm going to repeat what Sara Hopkins said;

What is the best thing for the child you already have?

LaNae - posted on 07/22/2010

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I think you will regret not having another child and it will hurt your relationship in the long run....do what you really feel is right....you want different things maybe you should find someone who wants what you want.

Stephanie - posted on 07/22/2010

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I would sit down with him when the kids are not around and have a serious heart to heart talk and tell him and explain to him how you feel and the chances and risks if you wait to have another child. Do the research and so him so he can see it first hand to maybe that will help. But you have to listen to his side and concerns as well and weigh the options to. And after your talk then you need to decide what is best for you.

Jennifer - posted on 07/22/2010

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i really don't think it's all that tough of a decision like everyone is saying. if you love him you love him and you already have 1 kid. more importantly, what are the chances of you finding someone else you'll love as much or more than him in the near future? and even if you did, what are the chances of that person wanting to have children within a year? i think if you left him you would regret it later.

Krystalyn - posted on 07/22/2010

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Hi Im Krystal,

Girl most women do anything for love even when it hurts them.
My thing is you've been dating him for a yr. and he just found out he has 3 month old from an ex gf. That brings me to the question is he cheating on you? It appears to be so. He's a grown ass man and he's not being faithful. You seem like a smart , sweet hearted and kind loving girl. Don't settle for less than what you want or deserve.
I know that there are plenty of men out there that still want a family.
I say this from experience. I'm 25 now but I got pregnant @ 21 by my ex boyfriend @ the time. We previously been together for 4 yrs.
He completely ignored me for the whole 9 months and denied his son. Well by this time he had a girlfriend and 4 months after our son was born he started comming around and wanted to basically have his cake and eat it too. So as the son of my father and the love of my life.......I believed he wanted to be with me but yet he wouldn't leave his girlfriend. This went on for almost 2 yrs. I ended things and he never left her. about 4 months after that he wanted to hook up again, I turned him down and he prposed to his girlfriend a month later. Long story short some men can't quit their exs they are like a drug to them. I am now in healthy happy relationship with a wonderful man who has no kids and he absolutely loves my son if he were his own. We plan on gettin married and having one more child together. I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Krystal

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