do i need to be so mean?

Lauren - posted on 09/18/2009 ( 108 moms have responded )

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my b/f daughter who is 6 y/o with ADD will only listen to me if i spank her or yell ( i mean really yell) at her and my daughter who is 3 y/o is just the opposite and doesn't like me rasing my voice. i don't like being physical or acting so mean toward a child but she won't respond to anything else. she hates women, but i have to watch her alot due her fathers work schedual and her real mom isn't in her life. any one have any suggestions?

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Jamie - posted on 09/18/2009

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I have a 2 yr old little boy who used to act just like that, but he got used to it and when I spanked him he laughed at me. Kinda backfired in my face. So, I tired a completely different technique. Depending on the seriousness of what I would feel the need to discipline him about I have started using the 'naughty chair' method (like Supernanny) and I do 2 mins in timeout (1 min. for each year that he is) and his time doesn't start until he can sit there and not run away or fall off the chair. It works! If he is acting out I ask him, 'Do you want to go in the naughty chair?' If he says 'no' I tell him to cut it out and if he does we go about our business if not he takes 2 mins. For less severe stuff, I just try to take him away from the situation. For example, if he wants a snack before dinner and is throwing a fit I just ask if he would like to colour or paint. That way it takes his mind off why he is getting upset. And of course if that doesn't work we revert to the 'naughty chair'. It works great for me, I hope if you use it, it works for you too.

Cindy - posted on 09/24/2009

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All of this is great advise, but I went through the exact same drama with my 7 year old. I've know she was ADHD since she was 3 but it was really hard to get doctor's to help me until she was 5. Sometimes I would get so frustrated that she would make me cry and regret being a mom, but what helped a lot is getting her into therapy. The call it biofeed back and they teach you how to work with your childs needs. An ADD/ADHD child will act out and will only respond to yelling and spanking because it catches their attention I'm sure your not intentinally being abusive and she's not intentionally ignoring you when your nice to her. What I learned is I have to be consitent and tell her exactly what I need from her but in as few words as possible. As she's gotten older she is easier to live with. It's hard in the begining but once she see's that your changing she'll have a decision to make either she works with you on your terms or she doesn't get her way. All the time outs, spankings, loss of privledges won't work until you get to the root of the problem.

[deleted account]

Quoting Leah:

i would try some sort of rewards chart like a magnetic board with pretty magnets and when shes does something good let her put one up and when she does something bad make her take one down if she refuses to take it down put her in time out after time out explain wat she did wrong and make sure she understands she can earn it back. at the end of the week/month if she has a certain number of magnets give her a small prize or treat. just make sure u do this with both children so the other one doesnt fell left out. u can substitute the magnets and board with balls in a bucket or to get her more involved have her draw small pictures help her cut them out and put velcro on the backs then hang a posterboard with velcro for her to put the pics on.

also i wanted to comment on this:

Qouting Alanna Coffey:

"Do not spank someone elses child. Do not spank your own child. Try parenting classes if nothing is working. Physical abuse is not the answer even though nothing else may seem to work, there will be something that will eventually work that doesnt involve pain :)"

i just wanted to say that spanking is in no way physical or any other type of abuse. spanking is a method of discipline though some may not choose this method u should not feel bad if u do. spanking also does not have to be painful because u dont have to spank very hard to make them understand. i'm not trying to be rude but by saying that spanking is physical abuse u make some of us who choose spanking feel like bad parents who are abusive to are children. my parents spanked me when i was a child and i never felt abused, only disciplined. and i learned from these spankings and was a well-behaved child because of them. now there is no problem with u saying u feel that spanking is physical abuse but when u state it as a fact it is wrong.




Spanking or hitting a child especially at this young age would be deemed as child abuse, my husband works with children with behavioural problems and this type of treatment of a child by the parents would be reported! This treatment especially towards children with behavioural problems could result in permanent damage and will affect the child later on in life and make the problem worse. Seeing a child psychologist and receiving some parenting support would be the best course of action,  



Valerie - posted on 09/18/2009

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You need to change your way of dealing with her. She is not your daughter. Stop for a minute and really put yourself in her shoes. She doesn't have a mother. How would that affect you? And it doesn't matter if she's never seen her parents together. And just cause it hasn't worked yet and she has gotten aggressive with you doesn't mean you can't stay the course. It could be quite awhile before she responds to you being more gentle with her. But you have to do it. Have your boyfriend make an appt with her doc and tag along to get some advice from her doc. My point is, you are the one who made the decision to be with a man who has a 6yr old daughter with someone else, who has ADD and no mother. It's time you put your big girl panties on and make this work and help her thrive. She's just a little girl who has been through alot. Good luck to you guys.

Lindsay - posted on 09/18/2009

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It takes time and patience especially if she is so used to the physical punnishments. If she's agressive I'd say that's even more of a reason to be gentle. Children learn from the people taking care of them. If the yelling and spanking continues to escalate, so will her beahvior. She's still little. The worst thing you could do for her now is to treat her differently than the other child.

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Angie - posted on 02/18/2013

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Children learn what they live. If you hit they learn it is ok to hit. I believe we should never hit someone we love. Period. Perhaps instead of yelling, try singing or whispering. It is amazing how that can get a Childs attention. Break the habit of violence in yourself-both physical and verbal-and you will also be teaching this Child by example. Six is so young. You still have time to love her up and teach her to be kind and loving. An idea that worked for me was to light candles, turn off the lights and whisper. Bring it down, de escalate. Then each person makes a silent wish and blows out their candle. It can help break the tension. Also soft music or silence. No TV or stressful noises. We can't beat a child into respecting us, but we can show them what respect looks like. Don't model any behavior you wouldn't want to see in your child. That includes hitting (spanking is just another word) and yelling. Good luck. I know it isn't easy to always remember to be kind and loving. I do know it

[deleted account]

I can totally understand you. My one son (7) was diagnosed with ADHD a year and a half ago and my other son(6) was diagnosed last week with ADD. I spend my life yelling. Actually, as you said, really yelling. I am divorced and have my partner raising the kids with me. And even she cannot help but really yell quite often. They spend the weekends with their Dad and he does not see it as that much of an issue at his house. I just don't think he pays that much attention to them. Anyway... is she on medication? My older son is on a medication called Focalin XR. And it is an amazing drug for children. It has not taken from his personality at all. And he has an amazing personality. It just brings him down to a normal level to be able to focus and pay attention. And it helps greatly with his attitude. Some people do not believe in medicating their children. But that is why it's there. To help them. Because without it they struggle greatly in school and with their peers and other adults that do not quite understand what ADD/ADHD is. Also sometimes along with ADD/ADHD can come an auditory processing disorder. Which basically means what it says... they cannot process what they hear properly. They recommend strict daily routine and structure to try to help them grow out of that. If you have any other questions or just need to talk... I am here.

Brittany - posted on 09/26/2009

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Quoting Laura:

Brittany, I cant believe you think all young children have ADD. None of your kids must have it. Some people throw the term around way too loosely and use it as an excuse. But I have three kids and one of them has diagnosed ADD, it is a learning disability that my other two do not have.


I am meaning it loosely and I am very sorry to offend! I have had several parents warn me that my son is ADD because he has so much energy and focuses completly on one thing then switches his attention at the shift in the wind. I should have stated that comment more tactfully. By ADD I really meant short attention spans. I was definatly using it in slang and once again I am sorry to have offended! As a teacher, I know how trying it can be to have children with ADD and I know better than to use the term like that!

Brittany - posted on 09/26/2009

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Quoting Laura:

Brittany, I cant believe you think all young children have ADD. None of your kids must have it. Some people throw the term around way too loosely and use it as an excuse. But I have three kids and one of them has diagnosed ADD, it is a learning disability that my other two do not have.


I am meaning it loosely and I am very sorry to offend! I have had several parents warn me that my son is ADD because he has so much energy and focuses completly on one thing then switches his attention at the shift in the wind. I should have stated that comment more tactfully. By ADD I really meant short attention spans. I was definatly using it in slang and once again I am sorry to have offended! As a teacher, I know how trying it can be to have children with ADD and I know better than to use the term like that!

Amber - posted on 09/25/2009

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Quoting Jennifer :

I married someone with two children with ADHD. We have full custody of our daughter(she is mine even if I didn't give birth, I'm the one taking care of her and I fell in love and married both of them, because THEY ARE A PACKAGE DEAL! so I claim her as my own)I have never spanked either of them, although there are moments I feel I am losing my mind. We have charts up on the fridge and she can earn a stick in the am and a sticker in the pm. Two stickers equal a good day and she gets a prize. We have a list of things she can do to lose stickers or gain extra stickers. She also gets a larger prize for how many stickers she earns in a week. The prizes are not anything that cost money. She can pick the dinner we have, have an extra 1/2 hour of WII, get her nails painted, etc. Do you think a six year old doesn't realize you aren't her mother and she doesn't have one? IF YOU LOVE THIS MAN THEN WAKE UP!! SHE IS SIX YEARS OLD WHICH MEANS, CONGRATS YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER KID! You can not treat her any differently than your own, because if you two get married she is young enough that you are taking on the mom role! You all need to sit down together with a counselor and work this out.



THE BEST ADVICE I HAVE READ! you mothers out there should be ashamed of yourselves for telling this woman that she should treat this child differently then her own. she has taken on the mother roll and should no treat either one of them differently. i am not one to spank my child every time they do something wrong. how every i do not believe spanking your child is always wrong. i have spanked my child. how ever i have not abused my child. sometimes they only way to get your point acrossed is to spank. the punishment needs to fit the crime! this woman is obviously tried other ways to get this child to behave. and is trying to learn even more ways in attempting to get threw to this child. she does not want to be this way or she wouldn't be asking for advice. so far this is the only thing that has worked for her.



there have been many wonderful suggestions and advice. time out/naughty chair, the reward method. i would also suggest giving her choices and a schedual, fill it with fun things for you her and your other child to do together. this structure will provide the security she needs in her live right now, her father is always working and she doesn't know her mother. before you know it you two will be bonding like any other mother and daughter. good luck and i hope this helps!

Kate - posted on 09/25/2009

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i looked after a child in the same situation with ADD i found a rewards chart broken up into time eg. morning, after lunch, afternoon etc as a child with ADD has trouble focusing so small goals are better thean big ones this also means if she misbehaved in one time slot she wont be punished for the whole day and can the positiveness of being good when she has some and not all times ticked

Kate - posted on 09/25/2009

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i looked after a child in the same situation with ADD i found a rewards chart broken up into time eg. morning, after lunch, afternoon etc as a child with ADD has trouble focusing so small goals are better thean big ones this also means if she misbehaved in one time slot she wont be punished for the whole day and can the positiveness of being good when she has some and not all times ticked

Jamie - posted on 09/25/2009

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Actually yelling barely works for me, so ya I know what you mean when you really have to yell. But I've found the only thing that really gets my kids moving and listening is counting to 5 it takes to the count of 3 and then they start doing what they are told. Have you tried the corner? Also taking toys away helps my son, but not my daughter she just falls to the ground and has a huge fit. What about trying to explain why you need her to do something.. or to avoid any issues if you can, try making it in to a game or something fun! Oh and another little tip.. I buy skittles or M&M's and to get my kids to help me clean I have them pick up 5 things and then they get a piece of candy.. It doesn't work all the time but it helps when it does. That's all I have. Hope it helps!

Amber - posted on 09/25/2009

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Quoting Jennifer :

I married someone with two children with ADHD. We have full custody of our daughter(she is mine even if I didn't give birth, I'm the one taking care of her and I fell in love and married both of them, because THEY ARE A PACKAGE DEAL! so I claim her as my own)I have never spanked either of them, although there are moments I feel I am losing my mind. We have charts up on the fridge and she can earn a stick in the am and a sticker in the pm. Two stickers equal a good day and she gets a prize. We have a list of things she can do to lose stickers or gain extra stickers. She also gets a larger prize for how many stickers she earns in a week. The prizes are not anything that cost money. She can pick the dinner we have, have an extra 1/2 hour of WII, get her nails painted, etc. Do you think a six year old doesn't realize you aren't her mother and she doesn't have one? IF YOU LOVE THIS MAN THEN WAKE UP!! SHE IS SIX YEARS OLD WHICH MEANS, CONGRATS YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER KID! You can not treat her any differently than your own, because if you two get married she is young enough that you are taking on the mom role! You all need to sit down together with a counselor and work this out.



THE BEST ADVICE I HAVE READ! you mothers out there should be ashamed of yourselves for telling this woman that she should treat this child differently then her own. she has taken on the mother roll and should no treat either one of them differently. i am not one to spank my child every time they do something wrong. how every i do not believe spanking your child is always wrong. i have spanked my child. how ever i have not abused my child. sometimes they only way to get your point acrossed is to spank. the punishment needs to fit the crime! this woman is obviously tried other ways to get this child to behave. and is trying to learn even more ways in attempting to get threw to this child. she does not want to be this way or she wouldn't be asking for advice. so far this is the only thing that has worked for her.



there have been many wonderful suggestions and advice. time out/naughty chair, the reward method. i would also suggest giving her choices and a schedual, fill it with fun things for you her and your other child to do together. this structure will provide the security she needs in her live right now, her father is always working and she doesn't know her mother. before you know it you two will be bonding like any other mother and daughter. good luck and i hope this helps!

Ann - posted on 09/25/2009

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Couple things...this child isn't yours, she knows that and shes acting out because it right? I'm sure you are an intelligent women and you knew all these things, you're just trying to find a solution aside from yelling and spanking right? I don't understand why some women want to fight through these simple questions. I feel for you, my parents always spanked and yelled at me and my siblings. I personally have seen my son responds better to positive reinforcement. It might take awhile because shes used to the negative response. So I guess just stick with it, it'll pay off, yelling and spanking all the time is not only tiring on you but it changes a child. It made me petrified of my parents instead of grateful, ya know? Good luck, I'm sure you are a great mom and don't let any mothers try to make you feel less then. You're doing your best and thats all that matters. Good luck!

Laura - posted on 09/25/2009

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Brittany, I cant believe you think all young children have ADD. None of your kids must have it. Some people throw the term around way too loosely and use it as an excuse. But I have three kids and one of them has diagnosed ADD, it is a learning disability that my other two do not have.

Marjorie - posted on 09/25/2009

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I totally agree. This is exactly what I was trying to say and you totally said it better. Be a Team. Follow Thru. Reward Good Behavior with something the child enjoys. Say I Love You.

Marjorie - posted on 09/25/2009

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Quoting Jennifer:

I am a step-mother of three (and I have been there when they were that age). There are times when it seems like there is nothing to do but spank, but let me guess, you probably feel like crap afterward (and sorry that your own daughter had to witness an agressive mommy). The point that I am making here is that your daughter will learn from this other child. She will learn from you and your actions as well. Children do as they have seen others do. My first suggestion for this child is counseling. There are many many counseling centers that will assist you for little or no cost. A six year old child is impulsive to begin with. If you add the ADD into it, she will find it very difficult to stop her impulses. Raising children can be compared to raising a puppy. Puppies have instincts to eat what they see, pee on the floor, go running through the house (cause its fun) go outside when they aren't supposed to. If you were to spank the dog for every one of these impulese, you would have an aggressive, hand-shy, people wary dog. Yelling is similar. If you yell all the time, the yelling loses its effectiveness. The child will begin to see it as your "regular tone" and respond to you in the same way.

I have been in your shoes. I have yelled and screamed until I was blue in the face. I have spanked and been looked down upon for it. The point I'm making here is that you have to find something that works for your particular children. Every child is different and each one has a "good" button that you can push (if found). They yelling and spanking only appears to be working because it gets her attention (which is a big thing for a child with ADD). You have to get her attention... once you achieve that you'll be able to talk to her reasonably. What does she like? What interests her? What grabs her attention and keeps it? When you figure that out, you will be one step closer to your answer.

One more thing... your boyfriend and yourself HAVE to remain stable through the whole thing. You MUST have a united front (even if you disagree behind closed doors). If she thinks, even for one second, that she can play either one of you, she will. He cannot stop you in the middle of yelling, talking... whatever you may be doing that he disagrees with and you cant do it to him either. Once again, if she sees any disagreement between either of you, the punishment will not work.


 

Marjorie - posted on 09/25/2009

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I have been in your shoes to a T except the mom is still in the picture. Its you against the world. We are automatically labeled the wicked step mom and it seems you can never do right. My first question is do you and your man work as a team when it comes to the kids? Can she run to her daddy and he automatically pities her and takes her side? These were my problem and it took us taken her to a counsler and for the counsler to tell my hubby exactly what I had been saying for YEARS. It was soooo frustrating yet good because then the change came. Some people do not realize that KIDS are INTELLIGENT and never underestimate them. Each child is unique. Once me and my husband became a thick team and sat down with all our kids and made a list of house rules and consequences, we seen a lot of improvement. My oldest even tested her limit the day of the family discussion and refused to join, ended up grounded from the 4-wheeler and computer for 3 days and thought she could get out of it by joining in the end (didn't happen)... She no longer plays him against me and he sees what she really does and gives feedback whether it is dissapointment or happy. Things have finally gotten better, after at least 5 years of torture. In addition, it is difficult to be a mom when the male figure has "The Voice". It makes it harder on us but as they get older the tables will turn and our men will FREAK.

Sandra - posted on 09/25/2009

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hallo Lauren, well l think the more u spank and yell makes her worse.she would want to annoy you,because she knows you will spank her she's now used, to her its nothing at all she's now resentful.l think try talking to her.if she does something bad ignore as if there is nothing at all. u will c she will change.me l also yell and spank my 4 year old son,l have since noticed that its really bad it will make him worse.

Brittany - posted on 09/25/2009

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Okay first of all spanking does not immediately constitute child abuse. I am a firm believer in spanking when my son does something dangerous he has been warned not to do and that does not make me a bad parent. I think too many people these days think everything is abuse and spanking has a time and a place. That said:



I would not spank another persons child. Now, have you had your boy friend confront his daughter? At six years old she is well past the age of understanding that this behavior is not appropriate. Now, from her perspective, how often has she had a new girl friend shoved into her life? That kind of change can be hard on a child especially if your boyfriends past girlfriends we not kind to her. Does she see her mother? Is she responding to you because of things her mother is saying? She may be trying to be loyal to her mother and she thinks being horrid to you is how she can accomplish that. I think a family meeting is in order especially if you are not a new person in their lives and you plan on being a part of their lives.



As for your child, if the yelling and spanking is offending your child, then it needs to stop especially in front of your child. It's hard disciplining multiple personalities, but think about what you are teaching both children? I am a yeller. I come from a large family, mainly boys, and it was hard for me to collect myself at first and not yell. But when you yell at them you teach them that it's okay to respond in that manner when they are frustrated and upset and angry, which just continues the vicious cycle. And do you discipline in private or are you doing it publicly? I know we don't always stop to think about it but we do embarrass children when we reprimand them in front of others. You might have better luck in private or having your boyfriend there when you speak to her so it reinforces that she needs to listen to you.

Laura - posted on 09/25/2009

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I don t know if you are even going to read this. Posting this may be like beating a dead horse but I could not ignore this one or let it go with out 'saying' something.



THIS little girl, on top of having a serious learning disability, is growing up WITH OUT a mom!!!!!! HELLO!!!! Be the adult here. Spanking and yelling is the only way she will listen to you??? I have a son with ADD and yes, trust me spank and yelling is effective but its the lazy, easy way out. Try the reward system. Postitive reinforcement always works if done correctly. Im not trying to sound like a bitch here because I do understand where you are coming from. But you and this little girl both need some serious counseling. Good luck to you both.

Shannon - posted on 09/24/2009

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so does this little girl have any positive female influences in her life at all besides you? maybe her dad should have a female that is in his family that she is comfortable around take her out shopping and try to get her talking. see if maybe she'll spill her guts to this person so you and her dad can maybe think of another plan to get through this. she may be angry at the fact that her mother isnt around especially if she knows that you are not her mother. she may think your trying to be her mother, especially if you guys cant come to an agreement on certain issues. i dont think the add is the issue here, when you put a label on a kids behavior and they know their getting special attention from it, whether shes 6 or 16 shes gonna try and play you and dad to her advantage. i dont think bribing a kid for good behavior is an answer either, because then she'll expect something from you guys everytime. and if she dont get what she wants. then theres more trouble. she also may be acting out because her dad works so much, he should spend as much time as possible maybe just him and her for a little while, and slowly you 3 should just got out and do fun stuff together, without your other child. show her that you care, but also let her know whos boss. you may not be her biological mother but you are taking on the role of a mother figure, dad needs to back you on this too. i think you guys need to open up communication alittle more and see where it goes.

Brenda - posted on 09/24/2009

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I also want to add that spanking a child in this situation really isn't helping, only making it work. Basically, she is feeding off your actions and it is confirming her dislike for you and women in general making her continue to do the same things. In essence, this is why spanking, from a psychological/counseling perspective, is ineffective.

Brenda - posted on 09/24/2009

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My advice is to see a family counselor, to be honest. Something like this needs to be resolved with a professional and no amount of advice is really going to help. As a counselor myself, I recommend going to http://www.psychologytoday.com and find one in your area. When dealing with ADD, sometimes a therapist is the best way to handle it.

Ryann - posted on 09/24/2009

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Quoting Leah:

i would try some sort of rewards chart like a magnetic board with pretty magnets and when shes does something good let her put one up and when she does something bad make her take one down if she refuses to take it down put her in time out after time out explain wat she did wrong and make sure she understands she can earn it back. at the end of the week/month if she has a certain number of magnets give her a small prize or treat. just make sure u do this with both children so the other one doesnt fell left out. u can substitute the magnets and board with balls in a bucket or to get her more involved have her draw small pictures help her cut them out and put velcro on the backs then hang a posterboard with velcro for her to put the pics on.

also i wanted to comment on this:

Qouting Alanna Coffey:

"Do not spank someone elses child. Do not spank your own child. Try parenting classes if nothing is working. Physical abuse is not the answer even though nothing else may seem to work, there will be something that will eventually work that doesnt involve pain :)"

i just wanted to say that spanking is in no way physical or any other type of abuse. spanking is a method of discipline though some may not choose this method u should not feel bad if u do. spanking also does not have to be painful because u dont have to spank very hard to make them understand. i'm not trying to be rude but by saying that spanking is physical abuse u make some of us who choose spanking feel like bad parents who are abusive to are children. my parents spanked me when i was a child and i never felt abused, only disciplined. and i learned from these spankings and was a well-behaved child because of them. now there is no problem with u saying u feel that spanking is physical abuse but when u state it as a fact it is wrong.


thank you i agree



 

Jenny - posted on 09/24/2009

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Watch supernanny!!!! It's should be every parents should watch and learn! I call it my "parenting church"!

Lacey - posted on 09/24/2009

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maybe some family counseling would help. There has to be another way to get her to listen. The yelling and hitting are probably not helping the situation. She is probably just as frustrated with you as you are her. Try takeing a step back next time before the explosion and remember what she has been through with her birth mom and how you want her to feel safe with you. ADD is hard to deal with too. Take her to the doctor and ask for help

Robin - posted on 09/24/2009

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I noticed a lot of people being very harsh toward you, and unless they have been there themselves they have no idea what you are going through. I agree with spanking but never out of anger, one thing I have learned is to tell them once what she did was wrong and why, and then tell her what the consequence will be the next time she does it, whether it be a time out or spanking or what ever,

the next time she does it, you ask her what you told her would happen the next time she did the same thing, hopefully she will respond, then you immediately follow through with what you told her, BUT NOT out of ANGER,

After you have disciplined her, you hug her and tell her that you love her and you disciplining her does not mean you dont love her, but that you want to teach her how to be successful in life and right from wrong, and that wont happen if you dont do whats right,

ALSO make a HUGE deal out of it when she does things RIGHT, saying THANK YOU SO MUCH you have been such a good help today, maybe offer her desert after dinner or something.

AND one last thing, do things with her, girly things, even though she is your step daughter or future SD either way, she needs to know you love and care about her, so when dad is home, have him watch your little girl and take her out to do something special once or twice a mo, something that is special between you guys, I think you would be amazed at how she responds

I say some of these things as I grew up in a REALLY BAD home with an ADHD brother, and all the aggression just made him worse, he was so bad that even though he had an amazingly high IQ he had to be put in special ed because none of the other teachers could deal with him.

I think you need to figure out what her triggers are, analyze what is going on when she is acting out, and try to make a connection, Im sure there are other emotional things going on, and if you can pin point them maybe you can find another stradegy.

as far as dealing with the behavior at the moment, lets say she is watching TV, and you ask her to turn it off and come to dinner, and she ignores you. You calmly walk over to the TV turn it off and GENTLY take her by the hand and lead her to the table, and say, I asked you to come to dinner ok, if she proceeds to throw a fit, stay calm and have her go to her room and say please stay there until you can come out and talk to me, and tell me what is going on, ask her why she is upset.

Maybe getting her to talk to you can help her discover that she can verbalize and express things through words instead of acting out, using the above example if she says its just because she wanted to watch tv, you say, I know you want to but we do have to eat dinner, but afterward you can watch it for 30 more minutes and then it has to go off, and have her look at the clock and show her that when this hand gets to here its time to turn it off, so maybe she is a little more prepared than just ok turn it off now.

Also explain to her that you want to have lots of fun with her tommorrow, but if she doesnt behave today that you cant do those fun things. Im not an expert, so those are just some recommendations, but I would see if there are some classes you can take.

[deleted account]

I would contact a local family resource centre and see if they offer classes dealing with ADD. If there are none as scary and weird as it may sound contact children's services.

They offer classes and training for foster homes who take in children with behavioural issues and horrible pasts. I'm sure if you explained the situation they would let you participate so you could get some ideas and help.

Destiny - posted on 09/23/2009

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Wow...i don't know anything to do except to take hings from her that you know she enjoys as punishment. That's not fair to your baby to have to see you like that. Have you talked to daddy about it?

Cailie - posted on 09/23/2009

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I would say trying some time out methods, like a time out chair or if you have stairs time out stairs and on the times that she will not listen putting her in her room with no toys books ect. make it not fun. I am a mother that believes in spanking when the time comes and its not abuse. I do try other methodos before spanking and i get complainments on how well behaved my child is every where and how well i handel him. (even on abad day he will still listen) you could also try some parenting classes they can give you other ideas and ways to get away from spanking. hope this helps...oh or the good jar for every thing she dose right give her a sticker when she reaches so many give her a goodie or take her to get something just the two of you.

Tiffany - posted on 09/23/2009

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It is difficult. I have some of the same problems with my sons. they do not listen to me at all unless i am super aggressive. which is not me. However i think many things will help you. I think for one it will take time. Especially when you are dealing with a child with special needs. Time will also help her to see that you are not going to abandon her either. That is a very important thing in a childs life. She might be pushing you away as much as she can because she doesnt want to get attached to you and get hurt. It is a very hard situation to get through, but I think with time you can get through it. With my boys once their behavior changed I was able to back off and become more the parent that I wanted to be, not the parent they forced me to be. Also, the most important thing about Disciplining in that way is that you need to be able to show the child love and care. So that she knows that when you do things that you love her even though you have to discipline her. It will make it much more effective when you have to discipline her. My husband is a true example of that(stepdad) he had to be firm but he was all over the love and care aspect, truly helped a lot!
Hope this helps

[deleted account]

The quote "Kill em with kindness" comes in handy here. Point out all of her good points. like "You picked up your clothes very good. Thank you." Be as positive as often as you can. Ask questions that you normally wouldn't. Show more attention than you normally would.

Physical touch is also rewarding for children who have some sort of abandonment. A hug or holding hands for no reason means allot for a child. This girl needs to know that every person around her loves her no matter what.

Since there have been issues with her already, you are already more prone to "yell or spank" quicker than normal. I don't condone spanking, but I do know that every child is different when it comes to disciplining them. Since yelling and spanking has not been very effective, something else needs to be done. The progress of change will be slow on both sides.

Your BF should also be apart of this. Since this girls mom is not in her life, you are the only mother figure that is in her life. Show her that women stick around and that they are good. She needs to see love. Even though she is not your daughter, you need to treat her as you would your own. You entered into a relationship with a man who had full custody of his daughter. It comes a as package. You need to buy the whole package, not just parts of it.

[deleted account]

Hey Lauren, I've worked with kids for several years. many of them being kids with special needs and/or add/adhd. What they are really looking for is attention. Try finding out things that she likes to do. When she is getting you worked up, purposely be extra nice to her. Try to compliment her or praise her before you get upset, this might prevent the situation from even happening. She probably has a negative association with women because of her mom being absent. You not only bring yourself into her life, but you also bring another female (your daughter) into the relationship as well. It sounds like to me that she is dying for attention. "Kill her with kindness" It may take awhile, she might even being confused as to why you are being so nice to her. She will probably try to be even more defiant and mean to you at first, but if you show her you truly care about her and her intrests, be it Dora, dancing, cooking, the wiggles, whatever, she will come around. You might want to encourage her dad to plan things with her too, even if its 15 minutes a day of just them....it will make the world of a difference to her.

Hang in there.

Denise - posted on 09/23/2009

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just show her more luv, and if u know i mest up with something ask her for forgivness, apologize and let her know that the only reason u treat diferent from your daughter is cause she is younger. try treating her a lill older that what she really is ppl say that kids with add r smarter maybe she gets mad cause u treat her as a child. and the same way u call her attencion when she does something wrong let her know when she does something good.. the best thing is to pray ask God for direccion in how 2 deal with this situaccion. God bless u and give u the wisdom u need so u can raise a child thats not resented and can feel that she is loved..

Jennie - posted on 09/23/2009

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There is a book by Larry Koenig called Smart Discipline. "It explains a simple, dramatically effective system to help children follow the rules at home and school." It takes the arguing and yelling out of the equation. It teaches the child consequences for their actions and instills self- respect and creates a high self esteem. It's a visual chart custom for age, temperament and ADD/ADHD. And most importantly it is EASY to use. Your child is given a certain number of "chances" throughout the day (or week), and then they begin to loose privileges (that are important to THEM). My son is four...I felt as though I was the evil witch of the south everyday because I couldn't get him to do anything!!! I tried yelling, spanking, "telling dad" among numerous other fly by the moment ideas that got me NO WHERE. I finally went to Barnes and Noble...looked in the child development area and found this book. I bought it- among others (I probably could start my own parent self help library) and read it. I started the system and within days life was turning around. We still have our bad days, but my son also knows that there are consequences for his behavior. And I think that is the most important thing of all! It makes since. It's teaching your child that there are consequences for what you do- wither it is a good or bad behavior- just like the real world when they grow up!!!! You do a great job at work you get a promotion, you speed you get a ticket. Encouragement and praise is built into the system which is what shows your child that you do acknowledge their efforts as well as their mishaps. Larry addresses situations like yours: being the step mother, he addresses ADD/ADHD. He travels around doing seminars on this system. It's not a very big book, it's easy to read and I would recommend it to a family with an angel 100% of the time or a family that has problems 200% of the time. He also has a website: www.smartdiscipline.com. You can e-mail him any question, concern you don't know how to deal with, and HE responds within days!!! I know from personal experience. There is hope out there. You can have a wonderful relationship with this little girl. It takes boundaries, structure and patience. Please read it!!!

Jennifer - posted on 09/23/2009

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Quoting Amanda:

Girl I dont know what to tell you! I mean yes you chose to be in a relationship with a man whos daughter has some issues but you I am sure didnt ask for all of this headache!! Have you thought of getting some councelling for yourself, or a parental guide to assist you in finding other ways to disciplining her or just a place to vent?! Maybe your b/f needs to find something better for work so he can be around to RAISE his daughter??! You should have to fight this alone, shes not your full responsiblity and it shouldnt be up to you!





This is harsh and wrong. You can't fall in love with someone and choose to not deal with their "baggage"(I use this term loosely, children aren't baggage)! She is helping her b/f. Don't you want to help your significant other? This child is 6 years old and is both of their responsibility!! If you choose to be in a relationship with someone who has children and there is no other parent, then you are going to end up taking on responsibility!! I don't think that her b/f is not helping or not doing his job raising his daughter, being a single parent, especially a single father to a young daughter is a daunting task, it is natural for him to turn to the person he fell in love with and ask for and expect help!!

Melanie - posted on 09/23/2009

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You need to form a positive relationship with her, without letting her walk all over you. Enlist dad for this, have him be the 'bad guy' when he is around and she won't respond to you and have him talk to her about how important it is to treat you with respect. Try tough love but for now avoid spanking and yelling. Be firm, take stuff away even if it means taking away all toys, and everything else she likes, but offer rewards and be positive! or she may resent you forever...

Amanda - posted on 09/23/2009

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Girl I dont know what to tell you! I mean yes you chose to be in a relationship with a man whos daughter has some issues but you I am sure didnt ask for all of this headache!! Have you thought of getting some councelling for yourself, or a parental guide to assist you in finding other ways to disciplining her or just a place to vent?! Maybe your b/f needs to find something better for work so he can be around to RAISE his daughter??! You should have to fight this alone, shes not your full responsiblity and it shouldnt be up to you!

Nicole - posted on 09/23/2009

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I think maybe a support group as a family might be a good idea. You don't want your other child to grow up thinking that it's OK to yell or spank. It sounds like maybe the father should spend some one on one time with the 6 year old and really explain to her what is going on. If she has ADD, maybe meds will help. I am a nurse and I see this all the time. I know it is hard for parents to put their children on meds, but is some cases it is a must. You are only stressing yourself and your children out. It really sounds like you hate having to be the bad guy and there is no reason for you to feel that you must.

Alanna - posted on 09/23/2009

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Everyone has an opinion, mine is dont hurt kids in any way, shape or form. Yes spanking hurts, therefore; I catagorize that as abuse. A child should NEVER feel intended pain from a parent, or caregiver.

Jennifer - posted on 09/23/2009

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I am a step-mother of three (and I have been there when they were that age). There are times when it seems like there is nothing to do but spank, but let me guess, you probably feel like crap afterward (and sorry that your own daughter had to witness an agressive mommy). The point that I am making here is that your daughter will learn from this other child. She will learn from you and your actions as well. Children do as they have seen others do. My first suggestion for this child is counseling. There are many many counseling centers that will assist you for little or no cost. A six year old child is impulsive to begin with. If you add the ADD into it, she will find it very difficult to stop her impulses. Raising children can be compared to raising a puppy. Puppies have instincts to eat what they see, pee on the floor, go running through the house (cause its fun) go outside when they aren't supposed to. If you were to spank the dog for every one of these impulese, you would have an aggressive, hand-shy, people wary dog. Yelling is similar. If you yell all the time, the yelling loses its effectiveness. The child will begin to see it as your "regular tone" and respond to you in the same way.



I have been in your shoes. I have yelled and screamed until I was blue in the face. I have spanked and been looked down upon for it. The point I'm making here is that you have to find something that works for your particular children. Every child is different and each one has a "good" button that you can push (if found). They yelling and spanking only appears to be working because it gets her attention (which is a big thing for a child with ADD). You have to get her attention... once you achieve that you'll be able to talk to her reasonably. What does she like? What interests her? What grabs her attention and keeps it? When you figure that out, you will be one step closer to your answer.



One more thing... your boyfriend and yourself HAVE to remain stable through the whole thing. You MUST have a united front (even if you disagree behind closed doors). If she thinks, even for one second, that she can play either one of you, she will. He cannot stop you in the middle of yelling, talking... whatever you may be doing that he disagrees with and you cant do it to him either. Once again, if she sees any disagreement between either of you, the punishment will not work.

Lauren - posted on 09/23/2009

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While I believe there is a time and place for spanking a child, I agree with the other moms that now is not the time. One of my brothers is now 6 (with ADD) and he's finally gotten into the defiant and mouthy stage. He laughs when my mother spanks him and has no respect for her authority as his parent. I have come to find that my 'teacher stare', usually used in a classroom of teenagers, is very effective with him. Something simple and less threatening humbles him and lets him know his behavior is unacceptable. He is not getting the same attention from acting out as he normally does. It is not ignoring it, but neither is it giving it your full attention, which is what is being sought. Your boyfriend's daughter needs to be put back in her place as child, but still showed that attention she obviously craves. Each time you spank or physically punish her is only going to make her more defiant to listen to you--she probably doesn't like you from the pain that you cause her, yet she has no other way to show you that she wants you to give her a bit of her own time with you. Despite her being 6, you still need to give her a bit of respect before you can get it. And remember, before you spank or punish, is the child really acting out, or she just acting like a child?

Jessica - posted on 09/22/2009

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Please don't spank her. There has to be some really good support groups in your area to help you all get through this. I found this one website that may be helpful with tips on how to parent a child with ADD. It's not her fault. I'm sure you know all this, but please be patient with her. Deep breaths. Remember you are the adult and you set the tone. Best of Wishes.



http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add...

Kaye - posted on 09/22/2009

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well i am having the same problem as you i have a 7 year old step daughter and the only way i can get her to mind is to yell or spank but know that my husband told me not to ever spank her again it has gottin worse and i talked to her school canselor and me and her both think that since her mom has not been in her life for 4 years that she has it hard to listen and get close to me so she said maybe when she is bad to get on your knees to her leavel and just say i love you and its going to be ok and that you are 7 and i asked you to do something and now you have to do it. Try that i did and it works it kinda hurts her feelings but its better than spanking.Good luck

[deleted account]

Quoting Amie:



Quoting Valerie:

You need to change your way of dealing with her. She is not your daughter. Stop for a minute and really put yourself in her shoes. She doesn't have a mother. How would that affect you? And it doesn't matter if she's never seen her parents together. And just cause it hasn't worked yet and she has gotten aggressive with you doesn't mean you can't stay the course. It could be quite awhile before she responds to you being more gentle with her. But you have to do it. Have your boyfriend make an appt with her doc and tag along to get some advice from her doc. My point is, you are the one who made the decision to be with a man who has a 6yr old daughter with someone else, who has ADD and no mother. It's time you put your big girl panties on and make this work and help her thrive. She's just a little girl who has been through alot. Good luck to you guys.





Just wanted to point out this post because I think Valerie has given the best advice on here. I completely agree with her. =)





i totally agree.

[deleted account]

Quoting Lindsay:

She's probably haivng a hard time seeing her dad with another woman other than her mom. I would probably first work on the relationship. Remember, she's only 6. Maybe try to do some fun things with just you and her and try to get a bond and respect for each other. I'd say that yelling and spanking is probably not the best way to get through to her or get her to respect you. Maybe you and her dad and sit down and go over what behavior is expected and come up with a reward/disipline system. Make some house rules and make sure she knows what they are. Let her know what will happen in either case (good vs. bad bahavior). For example, first a warning, then a time-out, then a toy or activity being taken away. Or, possibly a reward system where when she does what's asked, she gets a point towards a fun day out of choice or ice cream. Hope you find something that works for you! Good luck!


i had a freind who was in the exact same situation and this system that lindsay recommends works the best, it is a long process but it produces perminate results. also children with add also tend to have serious mineral deficiancies, there have been very possitive results with moods on top of this system with a nutritional suppliment added to their diet to give them the right balance. it may well be worth going to the doc. to ask them about it. it's a program called 'tough love' developed by a mother with several children with add who would even get physically violent when they had a fit of temper and the program turmed them around within six weeks. remember she is only 6, and a new woman in her dads life may have her feeling left out or abandoned.

Jenniffer - posted on 09/22/2009

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Thank you I must say that spanking does have a time and a place I agree and its not always the way to do it. I just got so upset reading and with having foot in the door with cps bytaking in a kid that really did need a safe place. I think that we all should help each other be there not threaten. My son has so much going on and I have also been told that spanking is not going to get me what I want. So thank you for helpping put in to words what I was trying to say

Jenniffer - posted on 09/22/2009

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Quoting Jennifer :



Quoting Jenniffer:

wow she was asking for help not to be threatend with cps. The first step is to ask for help right????? Shame on you for being blunt and rude. I have been taking care of a foster daughter for almost 2 years now I also have 2 of my own. Before the foster daughter I would spank my kids when they were being so out of controll I can not now due to I will not cuz I cant spank my foster daughter and every one gets treated the same in my house. My daughter when she was 3 almost crossed the road I live on to feed the cows. You can say what ever you want I was bathing my 1 year old and she went out the window she got a spanking and we talked and we prayed about it. The problume with poeple now days is that we can not spank. I was born in 1980 and I got a spanking you know what I am FINE the kids now are out of controll cuz they know if there bad then they dont get there video game for a day who cares. I really thing that every one should think hard about this circle of mom and posting asking for help. I thought this was a safe place to ask for help or help others. I am sure lots of people reading your replie wont post anything due to oh my I might get turned in. Shame shame






I agree that a swat on the butt of a 3 year old is not abuse, but it is 1) not her kid. and 2) this child has been through enough already and 3) it sounds like between the yelling and spanking the "swatt on the butt" is being crossed and 4) six years old is getting to the point where even a swatt on the butt is not advised.  ADD or ADHD kids do not respond to negative reinforcement aka. yelling or swatting on the butt. I just came from my daughters new counselor last night and the first thing she told us was "do not use any physical forms of punishment, because it will not get the desired results. I agree that telling someone that they should be turned in is wrong, she is asking for help, but I don't think stressing that spanking in this case should not be happening, is a bad thing. There is a time and place for "spanking" and this is definetly not the time or place.





 

Alexis - posted on 09/22/2009

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Obviously spanking isn't working, if she is continuing to misbehave. My bf's daughter is 8 now and was 3 when we got together. My first question is how does your BF respond to this, does he know that you spank her? When I had problems with my bf's daughter and punishing her didn't work I talked to him. He sat down with her and talked and disciplined her and that worked for us.

Jenny - posted on 09/22/2009

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i believe that in some instances spanking is very much needed. i am not an advocate of the no spanking clauses people put into their parenting. it's not physical abuse to swat a kid's butt with an open palm when they refuse to obey with other punishments.

it's hard to know what to do with a disobedient 6 year-old. i wouldn't agree to spanking right off the bat, but if nothing else works... try having an honest conversation with her when she's not having a fit of not-listening. sit her down when she's in a good place and ask her why she feels she needs to act the way she does. if all else fails, i'd try a child psychologist!

my main advice with the spanking -- don't do it out of anger.

Michelle - posted on 09/22/2009

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i am sorry you are going through this. i have 2 6 yr olds and that age is a ruff one to begin with my own daughter will get so mad at me some times that she hits me or her twin and then i use to yell and send her to the "hot seat" (i dont say time out cuz we arent aloud to say it at my work) and alot of the time she will scream to the top of her lungs for hours yes hours and i just tell her that when she is ready to talk to me she can come and talk i have stopped yelling and instead i will do something totally crazy like sing a stupid song or lay on the ground and scream she will calm down let her come to you maybe you can give her opptions when she is good like coloring or dancing try having a rotine

Regina - posted on 09/22/2009

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I have a 7 year old who due to her father being military had PTSD. The Dr. also thinks she is starting to show the beginning stages of Bipolar Disorder. I have Bipolar. But any ways, my daughter at times will yell and scream and be very aggressive at times. I have tried all the "time out" methods that there probbley are and none of them worked. I have tried reward charts and several other metods of punishment at times the only thing that works is spanking her. I dont fill bad for doing it. I was spanked as a child and in my opinion I turned out to be a wonderful woman and mother.

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