Do i stay for the kids sake?

Shannon - posted on 06/08/2011 ( 114 moms have responded )

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My marriage isnt going very well right now and im not sure how its going to go either. Im finding out that my husband only married me because he lusted after me and felt pressured to marry me. He never loved me the way i loved him. We are both 21 and have been married for over 2 1/2 years and have been together for almost 6 years...we have 2 kids, a son who will be 2 this month and a 7 month old daughter. And im at loss of what to do or think because im told that our sex life was meaningless to him and that he didnt even want to propose to me in the begining and he only married me for sex so now since he is wanting a divorce and he says he doesnt know if he wants to be with me,im confused as to what to do. Do i keep fighing in hopes that he will fall in love with me and love me the way i love him or do i just give up and just stay around so we can raise the kids together. He has talked about if would split up that we could stay "living " together so we could raise the kids together....but why is it to much to ask for love. He only wants the kids, but dont get me wrong i want my kids to have only us raising them and not come from a broken home but i dont know if thats the right thing to do or not. Ive tried continuously to talk to my husband but every time, he tells me he doesnt want to talk to me so i dont know what else to do. Ive prayed and prayed and still waiting for some kind of answer. I never thought this would happen becuase i really thought he loved me but he said he was just acting and lying. How do we fix this?

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Danielle - posted on 06/08/2011

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I am sorry for your situation.

No, I wouldn't stay.
If this is what your husband wants I feel it would be in everyones best interest to have a clean split. It will cause more problems living together to raise your children.
It will be more difficult if you meet someone to explain to your children what is going on, as well your children can also feel the friction between you two as well.

Staying together for the children is NOT the best thing here. Especially since they are so young; you could easily make the memory of the divorce much less painful. By waiting it out you are ensuring your children's first memories to be of hostility and resentment.

I think that this situation is your que to pack up your children and leave. Start fresh. Look into counseling, and confine in family and friends.

I am really sorry that you have to crunch through this life hurtle. It will hurt as you press on, but in the end you will be a better person for it...

Amber - posted on 06/09/2011

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@ Jennifer "to love, honor, and cherish until death do us part"

I AM a believer in God but what is this woman to do, live a lie? You can't blame her, she said her vows and meant them..she was unaware however, that her husband did not truthfully say his. She has every right to leave and every right to be happy and her husband shall be the one to answer for HIS sins. Should she choose to stay and try to make something out of nothing than God give her the strength to do it but shame on you for bullying her.

Melly - posted on 06/09/2011

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Right so what Jennifer is saying is if your husband beats the living snot out of you every night you must not leave him, because he wasnt unfaithful, so you have to stay married. Pfft. Also, depending on the vows they took, they pretty much say you will LOVE and honour for the rest of your days. If he doesnt and never loved her, those vows are not valid.
Anyway... Shannon, you do whats right for YOU, and your kids.

Kerri - posted on 06/10/2011

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Normally I would say to work on things and maybe look into marriage counselling, because I take marriage seriously and believe people take it too lightly these days. However, he doesn't seem willing to work on things, and you can't make him talk if he doesn't want to. And you can't make someone love you. I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through right now. But he sound unwilling to work on things and you can't save a marriage alone, he has to be part of the solution. So if he wont work on things, I would suggest a seperation. And no to still living together, I think it would actually be harder on you and the kids because kids are smart they can sense the tense atmosphere. I like Dr Phil's quote that " kids would rather be from a broken home than in one" I wish you all the best.

Corey - posted on 06/10/2011

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MMy mom always used to say, "better to be from a broken home than in one..."

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114 Comments

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Lindsay - posted on 07/12/2011

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Your children and your relationship are two separate issues - if you stayed for your children and they found out later in life they might feel guilty for your unhappy life - do not put that on them. if you or your husband are sure it will end do it while the children are young and let them grow up not remembering you together - it is better for them than to wait and have them remember the separation.

Brittany - posted on 07/12/2011

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Your husband took a vow to love you and honor you, to death do you part. If he didnt mean that and now doesnt have respect to even talk to you about it, you deserve so much better. You should not stick around in hopes he will turn around because in the end you have already spent 6 years of your life with a man who doesnt deserve someone like you. Im sure a divorce is the hardest thing to even phatom but sometimes it is necessary. Do you want your son to grow up thinking its okay to treat women this way, or even worse your daughter to think its okay for a man to treat her this way. Anytime I'm faced with a difficult situation I think about what I would want my daughter to do. Your children are going to learn from you, let them learn to respect themselves and what they are worth. Teach them that if someone does not love them unconditionally then they can do better. Never settle. If you settle now you are making your children settle also.

Dawn - posted on 07/12/2011

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Move on, you shouldn't be so desperate, there's someone out there that will love you and your kids.

Dawn - posted on 07/12/2011

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There's nothing wrong with a "broken" home. Sounds like It was "broken" to begin with. I really didn't love my son's dad and refused to marry him because I wasn't In love with him, that was the best decision I ever made. My son Is a normal kid and a very happy one because he comes from a broken home and doesn't have to deal with two parents who live together and don't even love one another.

Bethany - posted on 07/12/2011

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By the sounds of it, it can't be fixed. And staying together for the sake of the children isn't healthy either. My son's father and I split after a year and half together and we separated FOR our son. If not, it would have been turmoil in the house and family and we did not want that for our son.

I have a feeling, if you guys stay "living" together, he is going to want to be either friends with benefits (since you're right there in the same house) or he is going to be going out elsewhere and that's going to be hard on you anyway.

If he is feeling the way he is, and doesn't want to talk to "try" and kindle something, it's over and it needs to be done.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Allana - posted on 07/12/2011

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Stay strong!!

In personal experience, I have found that if one person in the couple doesn't want it to work out, it won't. What I feel would be in the best interest of the kids, is if you two were able to come to an agreement as to how the split should go (custody, support, etc) the kids would benefit, its when the fighting and bitterness starts that the kids are affected negatively.

Its hard, but stay strong! My prayers are with you and the children!

Megan - posted on 07/12/2011

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You don't try to fix it. I know this might be hard to hear but if parents are unhappy kids can sense it my parents divorced when i was 9 and I have to say they were both better when they weren't together. Plus you need to remember that you have every reson to be happy.

Tiffany - posted on 07/12/2011

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You can't force someone to love you, regardless if you have kids and that you love them unconditionally. If he doesn't love you after 6 years, he isn't going to.
If you stay together for the parents, it's going to be a disastrous marriage and will probably only hurt everyone in the long run

Tonya - posted on 07/12/2011

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Simple. Hell no. Kids would much rather have two happy healthy parents in separate homes than unspoken bitter tension, even the best kept scenarios. Kids ALWAYS know.

Rebecca - posted on 07/12/2011

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wow, i am sorry your going thro this hon. i wouldn't stay . just because you guys dont live together doesn't mean he wont have anything to do with your children. like Danielle said it will cause more problems living together to raise the children. wishing u the best.

Shelbey - posted on 07/12/2011

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I'm sooo sorry for whats going on and I wish you the best of the best. Keep you head up high and just keep going.

Shelbey - posted on 07/12/2011

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My suggestion would be because he doesn't love you and only married you for that one reason is pretty lame of him...I personally would pack up the children and yourself and make everyone happy. It won't be as rough on the little ones because they are young. My parents got divorced when I was 14 and it was a sad situation. I had to be in counceling and it caused a whole bunch of problems. I understand you love him but if he doesn't love you back then what is the point? If you and him both want to work things out maybe concider marriage counceling...You are the only one that can make that decision. Have you maybe talked to him about marriage counceling? Or is he one of the types that doesn't believe in marriage counceling? Do what your heart tells you....but if he doesn't want to work things out then I would get out of the relationship and move on..As far as staying in the same home I don't agree if you are divorced. That might cause more friction between the two of you. Those children can feel all the actions from you and your husband (good or bad)

Sarah - posted on 07/12/2011

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Sounds like he has some issues. To be able to say such hurtful things to you like "sex is meaningless with you" or "never really loved you"....if my hubby said these things (been together 10 yrs, married 5) I would think he was having some issues and want him to get some help. Although if you guys are only 21 yrs old then it could be a case of "getting married to young" and he now wants to try and be with other women etc etc I would say first port of call ...marrage counceling. If you are unable to sit and have an adult conversation with him then that is what i would suggest. If he refuses then I would, unfortunetly, cut my losses and leave him. If he has nothing to offer you as a women, as a wife, firend and mother to his children...then he will have nothing to offer his children and will only start to display negativity towards you infront of them, which they inturn can pick up on and you'll end up in one heap of a negative mess. Iftalking, counceling and trying hasnt worked...then I think its best for you and your children that he goes somewhere else and grows up. To be blunt! But this is if it where me I am only thinking about how the kids could come to disrespect you (due to his mannerisms) and feel the strife between you. I would do the adult thing, cut my losses and teach my kids to respect there father from a far. Good luck and hope all works out for you. (By the way I am 27, not some old women throwing out my opinions and wish you all the luck in the world!) x

Devin - posted on 07/11/2011

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Think about what you truly want and then go for it. Most kids these days come from broken homes, including my 2 year old son. Children imitate their parents. If you stay together and are unhappy and fighting all the time, your kids will pick up on it and they will turn out to be unhappy and fighting all the time, either between the two of them or with other kids in school or day care. It is better for a kid to have two happy and separate parents than for them to have two miserable and together parents. If your child sees you happy on a daily basis it sets a good example for them and they will be more likely to turn into happy young adults. Good luck with your troubles, I really hope things turn around for you. You sound like a good natured brilliant mother. Go out there and find a man that deserves you, the one you have doesn't seem to be all that great anyway.

Devin - posted on 07/11/2011

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Think about what you truly want and then go for it. Most kids these days come from broken homes, including my 2 year old son. Children imitate their parents. If you stay together and are unhappy and fighting all the time, your kids will pick up on it and they will turn out to be unhappy and fighting all the time, either between the two of them or with other kids in school or day care. It is better for a kid to have two happy and separate parents than for them to have two miserable and together parents. If your child sees you happy on a daily basis it sets a good example for them and they will be more likely to turn into happy young adults. Good luck with your troubles, I really hope things turn around for you. You sound like a good natured brilliant mother. Go out there and find a man that deserves you, the one you have doesn't seem to be all that great anyway.

Yalana - posted on 07/10/2011

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My ex-husband wanted to do the "Let's cohabitate for the kids" thing after our divorce...no way! To him, it was never about the kids having us together, it was his way of keeping "control" of me. He thinks I'm damaging the boys by not living with him...he did that on his own when he would hit me in front of them and call me names. I never once called him a nasty name or hit him first. I did everything for him and still got no respect. My boys did not need to continue being witnesses to their dad's ways towards me and I left. He still insists that I should have stayed up there, but if I had, I might not be alive right now, and my boys might be in danger of losing their lives as well. My parents are still together after 37 years, but there were times I wished my dad had left my mom. Her negativity was bad enough for my brother and me, I can only imagine how it was for my dad. He stuck with her and now as she continues to decline mentally, he will take her word as gospel and will chew anyone out who says anything to "upset" her. I'm not sure if that's devotion or what, but I see a lot of my ex in my mom and realized that leaving my ex was better than staying and having to deal with having possibly 3 boys who think the same way as their dad. I tried the "friendship" route with him, but he took advantage of that by forcing himself on me several times. I knew that if I had any hope of saving my kids, I had to get them out as soon as possible. I'm in a happier, healthier, and safer relationship with my first love from high school and the boys just love him! I prayed that my ex would see what he was doing to me and the boys, but God gave man free will to either do good or to do harm...my ex chose to do harm with his free will. After I realized this, I stopped praying and took matters into my own hands because I knew God wasn't going to do anything for me and my boys.Sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and ride like it's the last thing you'll ever do. I have other reasons to question God's existence, but those are for another conversation. Cohabitation is what college roommates do, not parents. It most likely will not work, and if he decides to start seeing other women while you are there, it's only going to hurt you when you hear them having their relations while you try to sleep in the next room. Plus, it'll put a damper on you moving on. I thought my ex loved me, too, but it's not love if he hurts you in any way...in my case it was verbal and physical abuse. He only loves himself. If all he wants is sex, he is a callous person not worthy of your love. You don't have to go looking right now, but if someone comes your way that treats you so much better, then give that person all the love that your husband should have worked for. Don't waste it on him anymore. I was just lucky that my first love never forgot about me. He knows what I've been through and has shown me what love really is and that it's not something that should be taken and not returned. If he's not in love with you now, he's not going to fall in love with you, and it has nothing to do with you. It's him. With guys, it's either they fall in love right away, or they never do. My boyfriend has been in love with me since the first time we met in high school. We women can fall in love with the same person over and over again. I fell in deeper love with him almost 20 years later, after spending years trying to forget him because of my mother and her "reasonings". I regret breaking up with him, but am thankful that we have been given a second chance. It's ultimately up to you, but just keep in mind that things may not change if you continue to live with him.

Jada - posted on 06/25/2011

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i havent read the other replies, so i apologize if im just reitterating something someone else already said, but there is no was that having divorced parents "ie a broken home" is going to cause your children any harm, as long as the situation isnt at all aggressive or hostile, however, living in a home, with both parents, who arent in love, and are just living as roommates is a very hard situation to explain to a child. it is a healthier environment,for you to both move on, try to find some sort of normal for yourselves, and come to some sort of an agreement on when it is appropriate to introduce your chidren to new girlfriends/boyfriends.

Amanda - posted on 06/24/2011

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I am sorry but I dont think he is gonna change and fall IN love with you if he has not already after this long. If you two can get along and be civil and just like friends while living together to raise your kids then I would do that.

Jessica - posted on 06/24/2011

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first maybe you should try marriage counseling and if after that, your marriage is still failing......get out. You can't take care of your kids until you can be a happy healthy you.

Jessica - posted on 06/23/2011

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Your husband has made it clear that he has no respect for you and continuing to live in a house with him will only bring more problems. He is going to bring around other women eventually he is being completely selfish here. Believe me, I divorced my last husband while my son was only 8 months old. You'll be left begging and he'll keep going on with his life. If you keep pushing the issue, your both going to end up in a situation where you are feuding horribly. Trust me, your kids also suffer distress when you do, They may not show it outwardly, but they get that there is something off and it will continue to affect them until you are away from each other. Remember, you are entitled to get good and mad, but never in ear shot of those sweet kids. This man sounds like a complete narcassist, he married you for selfish reasons and he's leaving you for selfish reasons. You're better off on your own and pouring all your love into those kids than pouring your love into that selfish black-hole of a husband you have. There is someone out there that will love you as much as you love them.
Leave him honey, he's only going to let you bleed your heart out and keep going with his plan to be elsewhere doing other things. He's made his decision, now yours has got to be to leave and focus on your beautiful kids.

Jessica - posted on 06/23/2011

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Your husband has made it clear that he has no respect for you and continuing to live in a house with him will only bring more problems. He is going to bring around other women eventually he is being completely selfish here. Believe me, I divorced my last husband while my son was only 8 months old. You'll be left begging and he'll keep going on with his life. If you keep pushing the issue, your both going to end up in a situation where you are feuding horribly. Trust me, your kids also suffer distress when you do, They may not show it outwardly, but they get that there is something off and it will continue to affect them until you are away from each other. Remember, you are entitled to get good and mad, but never in ear shot of those sweet kids. This man sounds like a complete narcassist, he married you for selfish reasons and he's leaving you for selfish reasons. You're better off on your own and pouring all your love into those kids than pouring your love into that selfish black-hole of a husband you have. There is someone out there that will love you as much as you love them.
Leave him honey, he's only going to let you bleed your heart out and keep going with his plan to be elsewhere doing other things. He's made his decision, now yours has got to be to leave and focus on your beautiful kids.

Shannon - posted on 06/23/2011

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Thank you everybody for your advice,kind words, own experiences, and prayers. I appreciate it...It has helped me get a better look on things and some days it makes me stronger and then some days it seems impossible. We are still struggling just because of the communication and trust/honesty...A real hard part is when he does come around sometimes and things seem good and he says he does love me i just make it hard sometimes, i understand that to a certain point, its just all the lies and how my self esteem has been crushed about that and his behavior/mind of thinking its okay to fantasize about other women while we have sex or masterbate to other women(old friends) and he lied/lies to me about it but i rather just talk about things and lay everything out on the table to there is no secrets in our relationship but he gets mad and wont talk and tells me that that is why he wants a divorce. because im always asking questions and wanting to talk but that is just they type of person i am, so thank you to all who posted things...it was encouraging. I try to get by moment by moment. I will more than likely go to individual counseling and marriage counseling...alone until he decides to go. People call me immature because of the fact i dont approve of him lusting after other women and wanting to "admire" them and masterbate to other people other than his wife, but i dont understand where that is being immature..i think it is pretty reasonable. but i might be the only one...and all that has destroyed my self esteem making things worse sometimes. I can try to forgive him but its just the lies that make it hard.

Brandee - posted on 06/23/2011

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My husband and I started to date at 18 and got married at 21. We did not have any children until 3 years ago, but we did get married fairly young by todays standard. Marriage is hard. There have been times in our marriage when one or the other wants out and usually it is because we are arguing about sex or money. However, eventually we are able to discuss the issue and move through those hard times. It is not worth ending a marriage. The good and bad times are going to cycyle through our relationship for the rest of our lives. I am thankful that we both have the ultimate desire to stay together forever. It is all about communication. However, the communication has to come at the right time when both people are open enough to listen to the others point of view. We have had issues linger for a month or more before we are both to the point that we can listen and want to resolve the problem.
We recently wanted to start trying for a second baby. When the time came my husband go cold feet. I got very upset because I want more kids and it made me feel like he did not want to expand our family. I didn't want to be with him if he only wanted one child. After a week or so we talked and it was ultimately because he was worried about the financial impact of baby #2. We discussed our finances and now we are on the same page and ready for our son to have a brother or sister.
The fact that you guys had children so young adds more stress. Don't bail out on it just yet. Give it some time. Go see a counselor either together or separately if he won't go. They will help you become more of a positive influence on the relationship. Ultimately the decision is yours, but just make sure you give it all you have first. You don't want to divorce, affect your childrens lives, then look back with any regret. God bless and prayers to you.

User - posted on 06/22/2011

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I've been there w/ 2 kids and after a 1.5 yr separation we're working through it. Him moving out was the best thing for our relationship and our kids. You can only create the life you want and he will either respond in a way you find appealing or he won't. Only he can change himself. Most important is to take care of yourself so you can be there for your child. Kids know and if Mama ain't happy, no one is happy. Males tend to react not act. If he's "lazy" there something that he's not getting out of the relationship to inspire him to react and do something. If you love him, you need to find out what his currency is and use that as a reward when he reacts in the way that pleases you. If you're exhausted, there maybe a lot of stuff that he can take on but doesn't do as good as you and men hate to fail so he rather not do it then do it and fail. I accept now how he does things even if it's not how I would do it or how I think it's right--but it's done. I do it my way when he's not around. I also think more about myself and take less crap from him meaning I hold myself to a higher standard and he can either rise up or step aside. I keep my head, heart and feet where they are every day not dwelling in past and not daydreaming about the future. If you're serious about parting, I'd recommend two books BEFORE you make any changes:
Spiritual Divorce - Catalyst for an Extra Ordinary Life by Debbie Ford
The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle

Good Luck!

Angela - posted on 06/21/2011

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The answer from me is NO NO NO .. I did thinking that I was doing the right thing by keeping the family intact. My oldest son came home from school one day telling me, " Mommy I hate coming home." That crushed me as I felt like I was a great mom doing everything I knew to make a good life and home for them. He then proceeded to say, " You and I and brother have a good day and then Daddy gets home from work and you say, " Go to your room Rick." Mommy I feel like I am being punished and I haven't done anything to be punished for." Giving it much thought I realized I sent him to his room as I tried to shelter him from his fathers anger, frustrations, etc... It was the wrong thing to do . I am now happily divorced and the ex and I get along better than we ever have.. There was alot of anger, hurt, pain, etc.... in the beginning but now he realizes he lost what he loved the most and although not married is making it right and a better friend. I wish you all the luck in the world.. If this helped I am grateful. God Bless. Angela Fernicola

[deleted account]

You sound like a very respectful woman and you deserve a chance at love (whether with him or someone else). It is not good to raise the children in a home where the mother and father do not get along. It is a tough situation and I hope you find the right answer for yourself and your children. (((HUGS)))

[deleted account]

You sound like a very respectful woman and you deserve a chance at love (whether with him or someone else). It is not good to raise the children in a home where the mother and father do not get along. It is a tough situation and I hope you find the right answer for yourself and your children. (((HUGS)))

Rene' - posted on 06/16/2011

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Ok, so, you have a ton of messages to read already n a lot of people said no more bible thumpers. Many of us dont even agree, which is why so many people dont go to church. Shannon, I know this is hard and Im sorry you are going through this. I just want u to know that whatever you choose, you and your kids will b ok as long as you teach them through this. If you leave or he leaves, please understand that they need to b able to understand whats going on as it happens. Im not saying give them every detail n deffinately dont say ugly things about their daddy to or in front of them. But they do need to understand. If you mess up in front of them, dont try to sweep it under the rug. If their daddy does something in front of them, dont give them excuses. I tell my oldest son all the time, "Daniel, momma was wrong. This is what I should have done, but I was being selfish or lazy, or angry or sinful." Then I tell him how I should have responded and we discuss it and I answer his questions. No matter what happens, they dont have to be traumatized. Life is never always rosey, but you can lead them as you go so that no matter what they are strengthened through the trial. It is going to be hard no matter what happens, but you can use this to make them stronger and better men and women. If you want you can pray with them for their daddy. When my husband and I were separated me n my son prayed for him every day. When he got better (saved) that was something that strengthened his relationship with God because he could look back n say that not only did God listen to him, but He answered in his favor. God was there for him. It also taught him to not have a bitter heart, but to love and forgive those that hurt you. Although he was broken in many ways I believe that he is who he is because of the trials he has walked through. And I think who he is is great! My parents were divorced, but my pain wasnt that they werent together, but who they were n how they treated me. Be the mom they need. Be strong for them n someone they can look up to. Dont b a victim!! Dont make them victims!!! Im not saying that you aremaking yourself one, just...sometimes we need reminders to strengthen and encourage us. I pray that your entire family will stand strong in this storm and that you will remember that you are not alone. As a matter of fact, it seems as though you have so many people that care about you that you can hardly keep up with them all! ;)

Natasha - posted on 06/15/2011

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I went through a similiar situation last year when my ex partner decided to up and leave. Your better off leaving for your children's sake. Your children are better off with 2 happy parents rather than 1 or none. The thought of being a single parent can be petrifying but trust you will get through it. I became a stronger person because of what I went through and i'm sure you will too! Good luck

Maria - posted on 06/14/2011

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I'm so sorry to hear your story but for your kids sake you are better off moving on what's the point of staying with someone who already told you he doesn't love you why stay and waste your time the older you get the more you are going to regret no leaving him when you were younger and could of done more than wasted your time on someone who told you all he wanted was to live together but not as a couple then he's gonna want to have someone on the side plus you since you'll be there at arms reach you are better off alone.

[deleted account]

hey hun sorry you have to deal with this. I am in almost the same situation but this all started up when i was six months prego (I am nine now). My hubby and I have been together for nine years married for 2.5yrs and in march be basically said our marriage didnt matter to him anynore among other things. We have a two year old and a baby due any minute... but for my own self respect I told him that either I leave with the kids or he leaves. thank god he manned up and left. I am sure he would have stayed and lived with me to raise the kids but without love and support I would not be able to stomich it. I hope you find your power and do what is right for you. The kids are young and iam sure wont know the difference but you have to be happy, and strong and stay healthy so they can too! good luck

Tia - posted on 06/14/2011

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I'm going to go out on a limb since you said that you that you prayed that you are a Christian. I would seek council from Christian couples who's marriages you admire. Keep praying for your husband, for yourself, and your kids. Keep you focus on making sure your relationship with God is solid. It's amazing how much better our relationships with people improve when we are right with God. If he's not being abusive and is a good father I would say stick it out as long as you can. Make sure there is no other option. Fight for your marriage. God doesn't make mistakes he has a plan for you and put your husband in your life for a reason. I'm not saying that this will have a happy ending because it might not. But if it doesn't work out, you will feel better knowing that you did everything you could. You can honestly tell your kids you tried. Getting married young is hard and it's even harder when you find out you got married for the wrong reasons. But something encouraging to remember is that love is a choice. Not something you fall in and out of. Your husband can still love you if he chooses too. There were lots of arranged marriages a long time ago and some of those turned out to be very meaningful, loving relationships. You need to talk to someone that has you and your marriages best interest at heart. The main thing you need to remember right now is that you can't change him, but you can pray for him. A really good book to read would be "The Love Dare". http://thelovedarebook.com/
Hope it all works out for you and I will be praying for you and your family.

Charity - posted on 06/14/2011

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It sounds like you have three choices- 1 nothing, just wait until he gets tired and files for divorce, 2 give up and file yourself, or 3- try to make it work. My husband and I were in a similar situation a few years ago. We were fighting ALL the time, and it wasn't getting us anywhere. Someone gave me a book that I hated from the very beggining, it was called Created to be his Help Meet, by Debi Pearl. I threw the book across the room several times, but I didn't want to be a statistic. (Married young and divorced early.) I didn't want my son to be a statistic. (Many children from divorced familys have a hard time in several areas of life.)
I followed some of what the book suggested, and it worked. My husband and I started to love each other again. Now we are both glad we stuck it out because it made us grow closer together. Life is not easy, and marriage just makes it harder not easier. So many of us seem to jump into marriage, and then wake up later to realize we didn't marry the "right" person.

Larissa - posted on 06/14/2011

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I have to say, I dont come from a religious society that states that you have to be married to have children or own a home together or be sexually involved. I wouldn't want to insult anyone's belief system so I will stay away from that subject but I do believe in the importance of monogamy the sanctity of marriage and mostly a united family front. Life as a couple is hard, being parents makes that relationship even harder. I can only imagine if lust was too prominent at the time that you both made the decision to get married. To me it sounds like your husband is very confused. Maybe married life is not how he thought it would be (all sex and romance), maybe he is lashing out at you because having 2 young kids in the house makes the connection between the two of you harder to maintain.
At some point you wont have a choice but to make a decision. Maybe you need couples therapy, maybe he's an immature brat who needs a sharp wake up call to join adulthood. One thing's for sure, no one deserves to spend their lives unloved and he either needs to get to the bottom of his source of disconnection and start communicating properly with you or you need to get a move on.
I hope that he snaps out of his cruel funk and learns to love you beyond the pulsation in his pants or I hope that you find the strength to move on gracefully.

Brittany - posted on 06/14/2011

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Please don't stay with him for the kids!! Do you want to show the kids what its like to be in a relationship like that?
Don't get me wrong yes children need both parents but if the parents can't get along or are fighting in front of the kids.

Shana - posted on 06/14/2011

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you need to get out of there before things get worse, you deserve to be loved and be happy, this nonsense of staying because thats what god wants is making me sick! i believe that god wants us to be HAPPY and thats it and if that means making changes in our lives then thats what needs to happen, People that say that you need to stay no matter what even if he beats you and that you need to HONOR him!!! OMG they are BRAINWASHED you need to be HAPPY!!!

Candace - posted on 06/13/2011

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don't stay just for he kids. if u guys r just going to fighting then that is not a good envorment for the kids. if u can b friends to riase the kids then do it.

Angela - posted on 06/13/2011

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Wow. Honey I am so sorry. Is he wiling to go to counseling with you to help? Did you pressure him into marrying you? You have been together since you've been 15. That's so young to be with someone. He is probably your first love and I know it is hard, but you deserve so much more than what he is offering you. You need to be treated like a princess and he doesn't seem willing to do that. He has flat out told you he only wants you for sex. I would have slapped him! I don't think you should stick around for the kids. You'll do more harm than good to your kids. They'll still be raised by the two of you, just not in the same home. If you stick together, the kids will feel the tension and your unhappiness and they will become that way, too. If you're fighting, that's even worse for the kids. You also need to think of your sanity, too. Why would you want to stay in the home with him? He sounds so mean!! Respect yourself girlfriend! He obviously doesn't!

Audra - posted on 06/13/2011

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You need to know what you can, and cannot live with...what you will not live without...what is at your core, and what is most important to you. And then, you need to pull up your big girl panties, and get started at making it happen. Your husband is his own person - you know the saying 'you can drag a horse to water, but you can't make it drink,' unless it's thirsty? The best thing to do is to communicate - to come up with a plan, together, to resolve the issues that are sabotaging your marriage because divorce/being a single parent introduces a whole NEW set of issues. But if he isn't willing...he isn't willing. Time is precious, and 18 years is a long time to sit and stare at a situation that you can't better. I don't know whether seeing/having both parents in the home is more beneficial to them than having happy parents, in healthy relationships. "Wait" for a reasonable period of time, IF you know WHAT you're waiting for - if you'll recognize it when it comes along. If you're waiting because you're afraid to act, you risk finding yourself in this same situation years down the road.

I also never understood how couples make the split-but-live-together scenario work. How would you pursue another relationship?

Lindsey - posted on 06/13/2011

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You should never stay for the kids sake...if you or your husband arent happy, then most likely, neither are the kids. You should let whatever happens happen. I know how hard it can be to leave or to watch things fall to pieces. I did the same thing with my ex husband. There was love, but it wasn't even because he had kids elsewhere and I had kids elsewhere...neither of us were truley happy, so I left. Now he seems to have a better life and so do I. Sometimes the hardest part is the change of it all...but in the end, do what will make both of you happy. You can't make anyone 'really' love you, just tolerate you because they get used to the idea of having you there. If he treats you that way, he's not worth it anyways. Kids will be fine, trust me. I've been away from my older two's dad for almost 9 years now and they both make honor roll at school, and they're wonderful kids. Just because your not 'with' him, doesn't mean you both can't raise them. I hope this helps some...

Alexandra - posted on 06/13/2011

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this really is a tought 1. In my opinion the first thing i would do is find yourseld a therapist that can also cousel couples. Go to a few meeting by yourself and talk to this person about what is going on eventually he'll want to speak with your husband. If your husband has nothing to hide then there really should be no reason for him not to go. This counselor should be able to help both of you together decide wether or not your marriage can be save or whether or not it is healthier for the two of you to split and go your seperate ways. Either way i have personally never known anyone to be able to live together (to raise the children together) and not be together as in a relationship. I actually knew a girl who did not want to be with her sons father but let him live with her and her son so he could be close to his son. Eventually they started having sex again, im not sure why, but now shes pregnant again by the same guy who left her. I believe its healthier for you AND your son for him to find somewhere else to live. If you are not emotionally stable or happy then your children will pick up on that too. You need to help yourself in order to help your children. I hope things work out for you no matter what the outcome is.

Sonjha - posted on 06/12/2011

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Well obviously which is why I keep stressing that if the home environment can be a safe and loving one without the fighting then she should stay. In the end it will benefit the children to stay especially if in the next few years he grows up, changes his mind and wants his family. Vows mean something and people give up far too easily.

Abby - posted on 06/12/2011

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In my opinion, it is better for kids to spend quality time with their separated/divorced parents than to live with both parents who fight constantly.

Sonjha - posted on 06/12/2011

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Your kids do learn from you. If you and your husband can keep the environment good and safe then stay. Remember keeping the environment a good one is a choice the two of you make. Your kids do learn from you and your husband and you both are young and let's face it guys are stupid and immature when they're young. Y'all can always get married again, and if you stay together there's a chance that he could matture a bit and later on realise he wants his family. If you leave and get remarried and your husband now ends up wanting you and the kids you're already gone and the chance for your children to have an intact family is lost. Trust me I'm also speaking from experience and if I had had the chance that you have right now...I would gave taken it. Most people these days don't think about how the decisions they make now affect the kids later on. I have friends who's parents stayed together and later remarried and the kids learned how awesome it is to not give up on family. That family is important and vows are important. For better or worse.

Nicole - posted on 06/12/2011

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I can only give you advice from my personal experience....I filed for a divorce from my husband a week ago because HE decided that our marriage was not working.We tried living in the same house just not as husband and wife it did not work for us 1 reason it did not is because my vows were/ are important to me and when he went out I could not help but to wonder what he was doing (or who he was with) My children (9 & 3) felt the tension and the stress between us. Both of my children started acting out and throwing fits. My advice is not to stay for the children. If you have family that are able and willing to help you I would take the help. Your children are learning from you and your husband and if you two can co parent better being apart then that is what you should do. Just remeber only you know what is right for you!!!

Sonjha - posted on 06/12/2011

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Ok!!! I hope you haven't done anything yet! I was married for a little over 2 years to my exhusband. He told me all the same things except he had no desire to stay together for the kids. If he had, we would still be together because as long as we weren't creating a hostile environment for the kids, like fighting around them all the time and what not, it would have been better for our son. However, he wanted nothing to do with me or our son. He even said that I did nothing wrong and that I was a good wife just that he "didn't want this anymore". You have an awesome opportunity to save your children from having a broken home. Yes your happiness is important, but I promise you your children's happiness will weigh more than yours in the end. In fact your children's happiness is linked to yours. My son has suffered so much from not having a father and it kills me everyday. I fought for my marriage until the bitter end, and now I have comfort in knowing that it ended because of my exhusband not because I gave up. If your husband wants to still "be together" for the kids sake you SHOULD do it. For your children you should. I knew a woman once that stayed married for the kids. Her husband for the first 5 years of their marriage went off and did whatever, but something changed later on. The woman prayed and prayed and trusted God. Something in her husband changed and he from then on was an amazing husband and father. If she had listened to extremely BAD counsel from other people and given up on her husband the amount of damage to her children would have been horrible. The kids always suffer one way or another. Anyway, she didn't give up on her husband and they overcame and their children benefitted from it. Sometimes it's a chain of divorce that needs to be broken. My exhusband came from a broken home, I didn't, but he did, and I remember when he was young he used to cry about how he hated that his parents divorced, but when things in our marriage got tough he used it as a justification for divorce. You know the whole "I turned out just fine" line. Well obviously he didn't cuz he was leaving his family and breaking his home and causing more harm in his son than he will ever know. So again I say, STAY! I wish my exhusband had wanted the same deal. If he had I would have gladly stayed. You want to make sure that the environment is loving and safe, and if that is so than Please please for your children's sake stay. I wish my son and I had had the option you have. Who knows, maybe in a few years he'll grow up and realize what he has. But if you give up now you may never find out and the possibility will be lost. The risk is too great I promise. A bit more advice, get into church if you're not already, it will help you during this time. Get involved and get your kids involved. The woman I spoke of earlier did this and she continued to love her husband and let God work on him. Her loving him like this made her more lovely to her husband as well as not creating tension between them and when he was ready and God had worked on him the love that grew there was more than she could have ever imagined.

I hope some of this has helped. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you. Please feel free to find me on FB and let me know how you're doing. God Bless :)

Sonjha Cannon

Ariel - posted on 06/12/2011

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honey leave! I went through the same thing, I was 16, and we had 3 kids but he wound up cheating and the truth came out, it was lust that brought us together and we satyed togehter for those many years because of guilt and sympathy. .....I left and now Im married to a wonderful man that completes my every dream. we have 2 additional children and I couldnt, we couldnt be happier. you will struggle all through your relationship if you dont taek action and your kids will suffer even mre if you remain unhappy

Bridget - posted on 06/12/2011

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As far as the christian vows- if you value those highly- it sounds like your husband has already broken his vows. He is no longer faithful to you. Maybe he hasn't had a physical affair, but if he doesnt love you and doesnt want to be with you then he is no longer faithful. It doesnt say anywhere that your husband has to be screwing someone else for it to be Ok for you to leave.
That being said, I dont take divorce lightly. I think you should do everything you can do to see if the marriage is saveable and repairable. If you can fix it, great. If you cant then at least you know you did everything you could for your marriage and your family and in the end the fault falls on him.
I grew up with my parents married, then they divorced when I was 15. Divorce was so tough on us, and now as a family everyone is so much happier. But my parents didnt EVER fight in front of us. EVER. They werent happy but they kept that to themselves. My dad would have done anything to save the marriage, but my Mom was done. She didnt even try. Now-13 years later- she regrets it more than anything. She had an affair, and married the guy (who is great actually) but wasnt able to get married again in the church, she tore our family apart without trying to save it first. And so many years later she cries for what she did.
You dont want to live with that kind of regret. But that doesnt mean you should stay no matter what. And you shouldnt let people make you feel guilty for your choices. It sounds like you are not selfish at all and are totally committed to your family and marriage, and no one can ask anymore from you. If, in the end, leaving is the choice you make then I think its aparent you are leaving because you have no other choice.
Good luck! Im so sorry for your pain.

Lisandra - posted on 06/12/2011

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Girl, he is loosing more than you are. love yourself and your kids. let him go and focus on your kids, go out on the weekends that the daddy has the kids and meet new friends enjoy your self..maybe then he will realize he lost you!

Seinati - posted on 06/12/2011

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:( gosh my heart aches for you ! we can only say so much but the final decision comes down to you. For me personally, I wouldn't stay, hellllll NO esp after finding out it was all fake & lies & *&^%$%^&&.. It might not be easy @ first & you'll feel sorry for yourself & the kids etc but it will be the best choice you'll ever make EVER !
Leave him before he really does your head in, its only the beginning. Your kids are young, they'll grow up & understand that their daddy was a effn loser (sorry) but you be a good mum & the best mum they'll ever have, thats all you need to worry about. You'll find a real man one day, maybe not any time soon but one day, someone that will appreciate you & your beautiful babies. But for now, get rid of him, let go of him & head up high for yourself & your gawjus bubs... GOOD LUCK ! :)

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