Do you leave a lazy husband??

Amanda - posted on 05/14/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I've had this problem for about four years. My spouse is lazy!!! We have three kids,1,2, and 4. My husband stays home with the kids and dosn't work. I work two jobs, my full time job is a toddler teacher. I am around kids all day, I come home to toys and dirty clothes on the floor. Messy kitchen, dirty diapers all over it's crazy. I walk in change clothes and it's true that WORKING MOMS DO HAVE A SECOND SHIFT WHEN THEY GET HOME!! I get right to work, change the two in diapers, pick up toys,trash, vaccum, dishes, laundry, and bathe kids. He does cook dinner, but thats because he is hungry too. Oh then there is me asking every night 'What do you do all day?" Oh and I love how when we go somewhere I am the one to get the kids ready. If I'm lucky he will get my son ready and then sit in the car (sometimes honking) while I get the girls ready and pack their bag.Many times I feel like leaving since I am doing it on my own. I could never pay for child care, so he is saving me money in that respect. He also leaves two nights a week as soon as I get home so he can go play volleyball. I get that he needs time away from the kids, but can't I get a break too? So should I leave and my kids be without a dad because he's lazy? I feel like it's punishing my kids.. Please tell me what you think is best for my kids?

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Lonnessa - posted on 05/17/2010

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I love him so much, but I can't take it anymore! We have talked so much about it, and argued about it. But I get nowhere. I don't need to put myself in his shoes, because he doesn't do anything and doesn't have any challenges. It's so frustrating. I'm so tired and depressed and I'm starting to loose hope in our relationship. Heck, our bedroom life is almost nothing because of all the stress I deal with. My heart is breaking, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid to confront him; I know he would never hurt me...I just want him to change not leave. :(

All of that I can relate too sweetie!! It's really hard when you can't ever get your husband to understand how you feel and what you need from him!! I don't want my husband to leave either, but what are you supposed to do?!!

Leslie - posted on 05/17/2010

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I am a 22 year old with a 1 year old daughter. My 'husband' (in a legal sense, we aren't really married. We have rings, and we call each other husband and wife but really we are only engaged) is 27 and lazy as [insert swearword of choice]! I work 8 hours a day, ride the bus to work and home. I spend about 10.5 hours away from the house because of the bus and work. When I come home, nothing is done. NOTHING. We are poor so we are able to get help with daycare, so that's not really and issue. He wont get a job! He is so lazy he wont even get online and fill out applications. It's not hard, I just got called today for an interview at Walmart (trying to get out of McDs). So it's not hard to find a job around here, he just isn't trying. So I come home and nothing is done. No vacuuming, no dishes, no trash, nothing. And I'm so tired, I just don't want to do any cleaning and I want to spend what little time I can with my daughter before she goes to bed. I love cleaning, when I'm not already exhausted from work. I would love to be a SAHM and clean every day. If only I could. My daughter is not difficult to take care of. My husband plays video games all day. I love him so much, but I can't take it anymore! We have talked so much about it, and argued about it. But I get nowhere. I don't need to put myself in his shoes, because he doesn't do anything and doesn't have any challenges. It's so frustrating. I'm so tired and depressed and I'm starting to loose hope in our relationship. Heck, our bedroom life is almost nothing because of all the stress I deal with. My heart is breaking, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid to confront him; I know he would never hurt me...I just want him to change not leave. :(

Christina - posted on 09/15/2012

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It's kind of sad to see that a lot of us moms are in the same boat w/having a lazy husband, what's up w/that?! I've had numerous conversations w/my husband about "picking up the slack", "getting off the couch", "being more active", "helping out w/out being asked", etc. We always talk about it, things are good for about a week or 2, then they go right back to the way they were before. Then we talk again, and the same pattern repeats. It's been this way for almost 11 years. We both work full-time jobs outside of the home, but for whatever reason [b/c he's "the man"] he feels like that entitles him to sit and do nothing on his days off. Meanwhile, I bust my @$$ on my days off and even after work trying to get everything done... cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, etc. I don't know if it's b/c women are more motivated in general, or if we care more, or if... we spoiled our husbands at one point and now they just "expect" it. I've thought of leaving too, but like most of you... we work together financially and I couldn't support 2 kids on my own. However, I also look at it this way... I married him for a reason, I love him. When all is said and done, I really do love him... laziness and all ♥

Wendy - posted on 09/15/2012

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I feel you, I've got the same thing going on right now, that's why I'm on here, typed in Google about lazy husbands. I don't know what to say, I am home alone every night, yup, every night and all day on the wknds. I never see him except in passing. No job, messy, breaks everything that could possibly be broken, doesn't clean, steps over poop on the floor all day as opposed to picking it up. I'm glad to know I'm not the only woman suffering with this. As far as advice goes, I haven't any really, if I were NOT in the situation I'd say, "leave him" but I know it isn't easy, day care costs $. My plan is to wait a couple years until my kid goes to school and then I only have to pay for a couple of hours until I get home. It isn't the best flashy plan in the world, but sometimes you just have to suffer through life. Good luck though!

Christina - posted on 05/17/2010

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Amanda, honey, I feel for you. My mom was in a similar situation with her second hubby. He stayed at home and didn't do anything while she was working two jobs to support us all. He was just lazy. and this was almost 20 years ago. We had to stay inside in our rooms til mom got home or he woke up. We did have a couple friends, one being our next door neighbor whose mom would take us with them so we could get out of the house once in a while.

I'm not really sure where to start to give you some advice, tho. Talk to your hubby, ask him if he'd be happier if he were the one working. Explain to him that it's wearing you out and making you resent him when you have to come home from two jobs to a dirty house, kids who need changed, dishes and laundry to do and supper to make. He really should contribute at home. Tell him you need help with everything and that you being a mom doesn't mean you're super woman. If you were super woman I'm sure you'd kick his.....well anyway.

You need to sit down some time when it's just the two of you, tell him how you feel after busting your butt at two jobs then coming home to pull third shift as well taking care of your kids. He is their father, he helped make them and he can take care of them. I'm sure you didn't climb on top of yourself and get pregnant. If that's the case, you'd be a medical miracle and would never have to work again.

As mentioned, you could try counseling. It's not therapy, just a mediator so the two of you can talk about things in a neutral environment. Just try to maintain your temper when you talk to him so he doesn't feel like you're attacking or belittling him. You could also try to reconnect by having a date night. Explain to a close friend or relative that the two of you need to have some alone time cuz things are getting too hectic and your relationship is starting to suffer because of it. I'm sure your parents or inlaws would like a day with the kids once in a while and it's be great for the two of you. Also, talk to him about his running out of the house when you get home and his temper flare-ups when all of you go somewhere. It takes time to get three girls ready to go somewhere.

Good luck to you. Remember to try all possibilities and to communicate before you go filing for a divorce. Things will get better the more you talk. Talk, not nag or belittle, talk.

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18 Comments

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Amanda - posted on 05/17/2010

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I know what you mean I've been waiting for change for three years now..

Amanda - posted on 05/17/2010

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I have talked to him about working two jobs and me staying home. But I just can't count on him keeping a job. We have been together eight years and he hasn't ever kept a job for a year. I've lost track at how many he has had. So if I want a roof over my kids heads then I have to work.

Lonnessa - posted on 05/17/2010

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I'm stuck in this house day in and day out, and when I do leave it's either with my daughter and my husband or just my husband!! How would he feel if I just took off!!

Lonnessa - posted on 05/17/2010

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I have a 4 month old daughter, my husband and I both do not work currently!! I am 20 years old I dropped out of High School and need to get my G.E.D.!! Nobody in my family ever taught me how to drive so my husband did!! I had my permit and it's now expired he never taught me how to parell park!! Now he won't take me to go get my permit again, I've been asking!! He doesn't help me take care of the baby only when he feels like it which is ridiculous!! He takes off in the car and leaves my daughter and I at home constantly!! He sleeps in every day, while I get up every morning at 6:30am to feed my daughter!! I've been tried of this nonsense for 3 months!! He helped me out the first month and then quit!! Now my daughter won't even eat for him!! I keep telling him he doesn't feel comfortable with her, and I don't think it's right, she's his kid just as well is she is mine!! I'm tried of all the responsibilities laying on my shoulders!! I'm married and I don't feel like it half the time!! We are supposed to as one and we are not!! I've left several times, but he comes over to my mom's and says he's sorry, says he'll help me more, but I come home; and he never does!! I told him today the only thing keeping me here is Clarissa, she needs a dad in her life!! I don't want her to grow up like I did!! But it's not fair to me and it's not fair to my child that he does this nor that I stay and have to deal with this!! It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, what do you do?! I don't really know what to tell, besides do what you think is best not just for you but your kids as well!! God said he wants every one to be happy and full of JOY!!

Alex - posted on 05/17/2010

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I am 8 months pregnant and have told my partner right from the start that he will be expecting to help me out when he gets home from work. in saying that tho i meant it totally in a i want u to bond with our baby and have a part in raising her and if i need a few hours to go scream in a park cause im so stressed he can look after her lol. But i am home therefore i will be cleaning and doing most of the looking after because he is out working if i started working it would change. Tell your husband to get off his lazy ass i would even get home and just say oh u didn't do the dishes or clean up the kids well obviously u need more time im going for a drink at the bar and hour or so should be enough for u and leave! good luck :)

Casey - posted on 05/17/2010

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good luck im a stay at home working mom im a DSM administrative assitant an my husband has been home on midical leave for 5 months i feel like i have 3 kids instead of two he does help every now an then when i dont ask for it but then when i need it he chooses to lay around and be lazy all day try what i did and that was do nothing for a few days. when theres nothing for him to whear or eat on im sure he will do something and when he starts to complain tell him you work an he dont so unless he wonts get a job then you will clean if not he better get his lazy butt up an do it or else it will stay like that

Chesnie - posted on 05/17/2010

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I stay at home and I do everything as well. He will go out drinking with his buddies after work at least once a week and I can't go anywhere without having someone to watch our daughter. Oh and I feel I have to "ask" him if he will watch her so I can go out somewhere. I hate that and he will but he won't do anything around the house. My mom is in the hospital and he will watch P so I can go up there but he doesnt change her into jammies, bathe her or do any house cleaining. When he cooks he makes for himself and not me, but if I do that, he teases me about making his food too..lol

Renee - posted on 05/17/2010

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I am also a "stay at home mom" but I also work out of my home managing a hotel. Our home is attached to the hotel. I work a week straight (24hours a day) then I have a week off. My husband works the same weeks I work from 7pm-7am, then also picks up a lot of over time hours. He sleeps all day. I cart both kids with me while working in the hotel, and on slow days they both help me with housekeeping. My daughter strapped to my chest and my son running around. Or I go out when they are napping.

We have a 2 year old son and a 2mos old daughter. I was raised around children and my husband has never been around kids. I can count on 1 hand the number of times my husband has changed a diaper, bathed the children, dressed them, AND fed them. When we go anywhere I have to get myself and both kids ready in the same amount of time it takes for him to get himself ready. If I take too long he starts getting pissy at me, but God forbid he help out without giving me an attitude. I do all the cooking, laundry, dishes, and other household chores. Once in a blue moon he will do dishes, but you have to praise him like we do our 2year old. When he does do dishes, that is all he does, no counters or wiping down the stove. My husband's idea of spending time with us on his days off is sitting on his computer or sleeping on the couch. He can't watch the kids for more than 15min when I quick run to the store because he "doesn't know what to do" if the baby cries and the 2 year old is being...well a 2 year old. If I have a doctor's apt, he will bring both kids with and drive me there and then just drive around town until I am done. This way he doesn't have to change a diaper or do much "parenting" on his own.
He frustrates the heck out of me. I have asked for more help, but it is always the same answer "I don't know what to do". I have tried to show him what to do over and over again, but in my mind he doesn't want to learn. I think that once our children are around 5 years old he will be a much better Dad. His idea of "helping" with dinner is offering to pick up food instead of me cooking.

Alicia - posted on 05/17/2010

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I am a SAHM, and my husband works very long hours. I keep up with everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, yard work i'm the only one doing it. And when my husband is home I take care of him. So asuming your husband is just home because of the economy or because that was your choice as a couple then he should pick up the slack. I could live with a few un-done chores but when it comes to the kids you should come home to them in dirty diapers or a dirty floor that they are trying to play on.

Re-examine your situation. Why are you the sole fiancial provider? When did this problem start? Could it be that your husband is suffering from depression, or feeling in-adaquete becasue he isn't the 'bread winner'?
In my opinion divorce is not an option. Communication is key. Have you ever sat down and talked about it? I'm sure you yelling at him doesn't make him feel any better about it.

Amber - posted on 05/17/2010

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I am a stay at home mom...and I believe that it is MY job to keep up with the house. You need to tell him that he either needs to get a job and be out of the house during the day, since he isn't caring for it. Or he needs to take an active role in keeping the house clean.

I do think that on your days off you should help to give him a break, but you should not do everything. My spouse and I switch off on things when he is off. He'll cook and I'll do dishes or vice versa. Or he'll play with our son while I run errands for both of us, then the next time we switch.

We both feel that the parenting and household responsibilities are jobs that fall to both of us. And the parent who stays home should do 75-80%. That's just what we have found works.

You have to get him to compromise with you. Because if you are consistently unhappy on a daily basis, your children will notice when they are older. You deserve happiness, and your children do too.

Talking to him, expressing your feelings, and telling him the consequences if he does not step up, gives him the opportunity to try and FIX things. If he chooses not to fix things, and it is a choice, then he is at fault and you need to move forward with your life.

Ashley - posted on 05/17/2010

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I can relate. I think you should talk to your husband and let him know that if things don't get better you'll have to take the kids and go. Or you can try a seperation. You and the kids stay in the house and he go wherever. He'll have to get a job and take care of himself. You'll have to get a sitter but you'll house will be cleaner and that'll mean more time to relax. Good luck!

Maggie - posted on 05/14/2010

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Honestly I feel the same way sometimes even though my husband and I only have one child. I think you should talk to your husband if he's receptive andd see if he can help you with some of the housework. Also I tried to put myself in my husband's shoes. I probably wouldn't like it if he came home from work and complained to me every day if the house was a mess and such. But talking to my husband really helped because he was clueless to the fact I do so much. Sorry you're so frustrated. Hope it gets better

Carolee - posted on 05/14/2010

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Counseling with your husband sounds like the best option here. And maybe switching 'duties'. He gets a job while you stay home.

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