Do you sometimes feel looked down on because your a young mum?

Claire - posted on 02/03/2009 ( 41 moms have responded )

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Or is it just me....?

I'm 23 but i had my first child when i was 17. I felt sometimes that some people (and sorry but mainly the older generation) would look down on me. I'm sorry, yes i was a myoung mum but that doesn't mean i'm going to be a bad parent... does it?? To be honest i think i have done a far better job bringing up my 2 children than some of the older mum's that i know and hang about with have done bringing up there's.



It's not all negative though... there have been times when i an older aged mother has actually complemented me on something i have done or the way i have handled a situation and said that they couldn't have done it themselves. So it's not always bad, but i did feel at first that i always had to proove myself... now i couldn't care less, as long as i think it's right i'm gunna do it! :o) xxx

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Laura - posted on 02/05/2009

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definatly! i was 18 wen i had my son and i did get frowned upon by the elder generation in my area! i also feel that i do a better job than some older parents but im not perfect who is? i love my son to bits and i wouldnt have my life any other way! we're happy and safe and thats all that matters! all u need to think of is u and ur children and not wot every1 else thinks cus at the end of the day wot do they know!

Nicole - posted on 02/05/2009

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Quoting Holly:

I understand. I live in an affluent town and i feel i especially get looked down on by the richer older women. I find it hard because i want to bring my daughter to community events for kids and maybe meet another mom to chat with and they all ignore me! and some of them ignore my daughter! Its rediculous! I had her at 22 but i look really young for my age.. she is very well behaved and just wants to meet some freinds..
and as far as the freinds thing goes I got ditched when i was pregnant and still now.. my husbands freinds are now my freinds because men dont seem to be so superficial about the fact that we have kids and they dont.



I know exactly how you feel about being ignored or out of place at community type events. At first I felt super out of place at my son's school. I was only 24 when he started Kindergarten and where we live almost all the other moms were at least mid 30's. A few were closer to my age, but late 20's at the youngest.



My biggest advice is something someone else mentioned way above. Be confident in your role as "mom" and it will help a ton! You ARE her mom, no matter what age you are. I started volunteering and getting involved at my son's school. At first it was really tough, because I felt really out of place and sort of looked down on (don't know if I was, didn't hear whispers or anything, but felt that way.) But now, almost all the teachers know me (and he's only in 2nd grade), I head up the Art Lit program at the school (which means I oversee and coordinate volunteers for all the classrooms, all of whom are much older than me) and I'm on a first name basis with the principal. My son's teacher tells me he loves that I'm so involved and available. I still feel out of place at times (I'm 27 now, so not as young...but with a 7, almost 8 year old) but I just do the best I can with both my sons.



And yes...like a few others have said...I "flash" my wedding ring at times too. Although, we're coming up on our 5 year anniversary in a month or two and have a 7 and 4 year old...but I don't have to tell people that, lol.

[deleted account]

I know exactly how you feel. I got pregnant with my first child at 18. Being a 19 year old mom of a newborn is not easy at all! But looking back, it really was for the best...I'm still young enough to sympathize with my kids, but old enough to discipline them. I just can't believe that my oldest "baby" will be turning 8 next month! You are definitely not alone. Keep your chin up! :)

Liz - posted on 02/05/2009

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I completely agree. I was 20 when I got pregnant with my twins. And it seems ever since they were born most of my friends completely just stop wanting to do stuff, or if they were doing stuff just didn't bother to tell me about it.  I guess being the first out of my friends to have kids has something to do with it, but i don't know.  It's not like its a disease or anything. I wouldn't trade my twins for anything. To have kids, no matter what age, is truly a blessing.

[deleted account]

I so  agree i  was 14 when i  had my  son he is now 7yrs old. everyone said i  had messed my life up  and his so  i  got a child minder who  was the biggiest  help  and the niciest  person i have ever met she help  so much and i  went back  to  school  when he was 5mnths old.  i lost  a few friends when i  went back but after a while you  adapt and even thou  you  hear  people  talking  behind your back  it wont bother you.  aslong as your  confident everything your  doing is fine  by you  nothign  matter wat  everyone else thinks.

Shannon - posted on 02/05/2009

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I'm 26 and have a 7 year old stepdaughter (lives with us full time, no contact with her birth mother, calls me mom, and has been raised by me since she was two) and an 11 month old daughter. I also take care of my 3 yr old niece two days a week. When I take them all out I get stares all the time and I'm not even that young. Also when I go to my older daughters school or girl scout meetings I get looks and stares from all the other moms (who all seem to be in there 30s or 40s). What I don't understand is, yes I guess I'm not that old but why would you judge me for that when I am an excellent mother? I have two very well behaved, smart little girls who are always nicely dressed, clean, well fed etc etc. Why do they assume I can't be a good mom because of my age? And as for friends, I lost a lot of them when I was 22 and Maddy became my daughter because my life had to change to be a good mom to her. Having a two year old changes your lifestyle and honestly I don't feel that bad about losing them, because I couldn't see my life wihout her.

Carol - posted on 02/05/2009

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I guess Im a little left out here. lol



Im 22 just had my first son in december of 08. I've never been given those 'looks' or asked those questions. I've had older women walk up to me and try to touch him. (which drives me nuts) but never had a comment about how young I look.



maybe Im just not getting out enough! lol

Jessica - posted on 02/05/2009

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I agree, I was also 17 when i had my first i felt that way but for me it wasn't so much that older people were looking down on me it was my friends or the poeple that i thought were my friends.. (even thought i had the same boyfriend though out high school and was with him 81/2 yrs and had 2 wonderful kids with him )i think that was really the hardest thing for me..i felt like i had no on to talk to and now i'm 22 and have 2 kids i dont feel that way at all because now the kids i went to high school with are having kids and understanding where i was at 4 yrs ago

Eryn - posted on 02/05/2009

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That's great! I was 22 when I had my first (not 'young' but not 'old') and I STILL had older women looking down on me when I was in the mall with my daughter. But when my girlfriend would carry my daughter around the would all compliment her on how beautiful MY daughter was. It was interesting.

Stacey - posted on 02/04/2009

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i had my little girl on my 18th birthday and then had my little boy when she was 18 months old and yes i did get lots of disaproving looks and people talking behind my back but i have always said that them people dont live with me so they dont know how i bring them up.



My little girl is at school now and in the top set for everything they are both very polite and rarely naughty so that just goes to show all them people that just because i had them young dosnt mean im not a good mum.



keep up the good work all you young mums out there.

Robin - posted on 02/04/2009

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Quoting Robin:

I agree too!
I got pregenant when I was 17 and 18. I was still in high school. I started datting a great guy and fulled in love with him after our 3rd month. Next month after that, I find out I was pregnant. I thought at first he was going to leave me, but he never did. He hates his father for living him and he doesn't want to be anything like him. A lot of people thought I was stupid being in love young and having a baby when I was in high school. A lot of them quit talking to me and never invited me to a party or anything. I just went on with my life being a young mommy and I love it. This year in Sept. my husband and I  will be together for 10 years.


 

Annie - posted on 02/04/2009

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heya i had my son wen i was 20 and some ppl looked down at me.
iv also lost alot of my friends because im a mum but hay us mums have the best thing in the world and that is children people say to me do u wish u never had him. but i would never change my son for enything.
so now i know who my true friends r.

Ashley - posted on 02/03/2009

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i feel the same way. i think with me its cuz i'm not married. i'm 22 but look about 17 without makeup.i am with my babies father and we're engaged but since i had my son my rings don't fit so i'm not wearing them and people are always asking me if i'm still going to school and getting my diploma and when i tell them i graduated and my age they don't believe me. i think personally young moms do it better. we know what it's like to be kids we were them not that long ago. sometimes i just wish people would mind their own business and stay out of our lives. glad i'm not the only one

April - posted on 02/03/2009

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Quoting Jen:

Hahahhaaaha!!! I suppose I'm not alone.... I agree that the not married thing seems to send a lot of people into a downward spiral, like they just can't handle the concept.
I personally enjoy living in sin. My kids don't seem to mind either.
I had my son at 19, and my daughter at 24. I'm 26 now, and still get crooked looks even though I'm on the closer side of 30.
I get a lot of " you look really young to have 2 kids" to which I now respond "I am young to have 2 kids"...
I don't fight the obvious anymore, I could care less, but it took me a lot of years to be with ok with the "whispering stare-ers"
If Emma has a tantrum in the store over something (usuially to get out of the cart and run around), It's not because she's two years old...it's because I'm a young mom who clearly is ill equipped to discipline her own child. The fact that I'm not married makes the tantrum as bad as it is.
BUT.... If I was married the tantrums would not be so loud, and if I was 35 my 2 year old would not throw tantrums at all.
Same thing as in, it's ok for a 35 year old mom to have her 4 year old still in diapers with a pacifier hanging out of his mouth... but if a young mom's kid is a day over 2 and still in diapers and paci's, it's because the young mom is lazy...
RIGHT?? ISN'T THAT HOW IT WORKS!!?
no?...oh my bad! tee hee hee...
If someone ever treats you as any less that a fantastic, capable parent...Just remember...
when our kids graduate... we'll still be hot! And the rest will be in old age homes using walkers and piddling in depends.
It won't change the fact that you're still being judged...but it's quite an amusing thought to imagine the "Holyer that thou" giving you dirty looks, peeing on the floor :)


 



Lol I respond the same single mom at 17, second kid and married at 23,  People say "you're too young....." I just smile and say "yes I am" usually get nothing after that I am awear I have a child young I did notice. but that is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I now have three kids am 27, (wow now i do feel old) but still don't 'chat' and fit in with the moms at my sons ball games or school functions. Oh well I guess.

April - posted on 02/03/2009

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Quoting Jen:

Hahahhaaaha!!! I suppose I'm not alone.... I agree that the not married thing seems to send a lot of people into a downward spiral, like they just can't handle the concept.
I personally enjoy living in sin. My kids don't seem to mind either.
I had my son at 19, and my daughter at 24. I'm 26 now, and still get crooked looks even though I'm on the closer side of 30.
I get a lot of " you look really young to have 2 kids" to which I now respond "I am young to have 2 kids"...
I don't fight the obvious anymore, I could care less, but it took me a lot of years to be with ok with the "whispering stare-ers"
If Emma has a tantrum in the store over something (usuially to get out of the cart and run around), It's not because she's two years old...it's because I'm a young mom who clearly is ill equipped to discipline her own child. The fact that I'm not married makes the tantrum as bad as it is.
BUT.... If I was married the tantrums would not be so loud, and if I was 35 my 2 year old would not throw tantrums at all.
Same thing as in, it's ok for a 35 year old mom to have her 4 year old still in diapers with a pacifier hanging out of his mouth... but if a young mom's kid is a day over 2 and still in diapers and paci's, it's because the young mom is lazy...
RIGHT?? ISN'T THAT HOW IT WORKS!!?
no?...oh my bad! tee hee hee...
If someone ever treats you as any less that a fantastic, capable parent...Just remember...
when our kids graduate... we'll still be hot! And the rest will be in old age homes using walkers and piddling in depends.
It won't change the fact that you're still being judged...but it's quite an amusing thought to imagine the "Holyer that thou" giving you dirty looks, peeing on the floor :)


 

Catrina - posted on 02/03/2009

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The fact that I am young with my kids, has greatly affected the "chances" of friendships when it comes to running into other mom's through the sports involvements. Half of them are nearly into their 40's and the area we live in, these people are pretty wealthy. We got lucky and found a place that won't cost us our kids or our limbs. But being that we've had our kids so young, I won't lie, it hindered my schooling.

My oldest - his dad wasn't very confident in life. So when I graduated high school I was into a fulltime job within 2 months. Kept that for 4 years, and even through his suicide. Getting a very well paying job is something I'm striving for....but it's so hard because I want to be with my kids as much as I can be!!!

Keea --- NO BS! No Viagra needed for us! LOL! We'll STILL have A LOT more years before that would even be a thought....but then again if we get a weekend away who knows?! We are right near Mexico - probably could get it cheap....LOL! JK! But you made me laugh big time

Holly - posted on 02/03/2009

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I understand. I live in an affluent town and i feel i especially get looked down on by the richer older women. I find it hard because i want to bring my daughter to community events for kids and maybe meet another mom to chat with and they all ignore me! and some of them ignore my daughter! Its rediculous! I had her at 22 but i look really young for my age.. she is very well behaved and just wants to meet some freinds..
and as far as the freinds thing goes I got ditched when i was pregnant and still now.. my husbands freinds are now my freinds because men dont seem to be so superficial about the fact that we have kids and they dont.

Kristal - posted on 02/03/2009

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Gosh, ugh.. words cant even explain, I know exactly what your talking about im about to turn 21 and have two little boys, 16 months and 3months(both have the same dad, who I dated for three years) and I look twelve, I get dirty looks or people say rude things.But you live your life and do what you gotta do, forget them!

Danialle - posted on 02/03/2009

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I hate having to flash my wedding ring inconspiculously so people know that I am a married mother. For some reason I feel I have to do this. Even then though I get the look that I got married because I was pregnant. I was 19 when I married my high school sweetheart. Before we got married I found out I had precancerous cells on my cervix and I was worried it would turn into cancer. I wanted atleast one child to be biologically related and I have also always wanted to experience pregnancy. So after we got married, I talked my husband into having a baby. We were married in July and my son was born the following July 3 days before our anniversary. He is now 7 months old and we have been married 1 1/2 years and are really happy. We can't wait to have another baby! We plan to start trying once Aries turns 1.

Danisha - posted on 02/03/2009

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Yes, I'm 29 and my daughter is 10. People always think she's my sister, until she calls my mommy. I'm used to it by now and I actually think it's funny to watch their faces. As long as you are being a good mother, no one can judge you.

Keea - posted on 02/03/2009

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My husband and I say the same thing, we will still have some youth left after the kids are gone, no viagra for us!! LOL!!

Catrina - posted on 02/03/2009

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I don't want my comment about being 42 when my youngest is 18 with time to live life taken the wrong way -------- I'm saying that even though my husband and I had 3 kids to care for when we got married, and added 2 more amazing kids - doesn't mean we won't get to have alone time when the kids are older. So many tend to think just because there's 5 kids - our live is over......

So not true!

Danialle - posted on 02/03/2009

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Quoting Rebecca:



look good not "old good"!!!!





lol. That's what I say too! And I will still be young enough to go out and enjoy my life

Catrina - posted on 02/03/2009

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My last comment, my husband and I just celebrated 5 years of marriage on the 31st... We crossed some random people, and my husband loves to talk. SO of course he's talking about being 30 with 5 kids, me I'm 27 now, but automatically this lady looked at me and said "Oh you must be the best Step Mother!" Ummmm woman - 3 of those 5 came from my body!!! I just laughed at her and told my husband to stop talking to strangers....LOL!

Sarah - posted on 02/03/2009

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yep. can relate to all of you. i found out i was pregnant at the beginning of my senior year of high school. i went through and graduated. I'm now 21 and look like i could be 17 years old and sometimes when I mention my daughter to someone they look at me funny and i already know what they're going to say. "you have a kid?!" "how old are you?!" "you look so young" or my favorite, "are you old enough to have a kid?" hahaha I don't really care anymore because as long as you're doing what you should be doing with your kids, age should not matter and eff those snooty people. I've done a lot to make sure my daughter is well taken care of and try not to get bothered by those silly comments or looks. I do the same as Jen, "yep, I am young." Just ignore them ladies :)

Keea - posted on 02/03/2009

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You go sista!!

I got married at 23 I was dating my husband since 19, dont worry about the na-sayers, they will probably be single for a long time.

Keea - posted on 02/03/2009

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Kinda sorta, these days it almost feels like its cool to wait until you can't have kids to then want them. 35-40, I mean really!! children are people not an accessary to life, none children people,and older moms camparing children to bars, and nights out, in the sense of (either have a kid,miss happy hour martini's, if I have a kid maybe I can't go to Jimmy choo's sample sale etc) children and these thing are not in the same catagory, are you kidding me. I would not have waited until 30 something to have children, do it while your young. If you can.

Tamara - posted on 02/03/2009

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I got married when i was 19. I get more "tut tutting" from no gooders over my marriage than i do over my daughter, i was 22 when she was born, and a lot of people, again, wrongly assumed we were married because i was pregnant. So not the case, she's 21 months, its our 4th wedding anniversary in May, do the Math morons.



I tend to ignore them, i dont care about their thoughts on my life, and usually, they keep them to themselves. I dont worry about the looks i get, my family is great and we're all doing the best we can. My daughter is very, very loved and as am I and my husband. So let them talk, its their life their wasting while i'm living mine.

Catrina - posted on 02/03/2009

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My husband and I have a hard time when our oldest son is involved in sports. We have a "Mine, His and Ours" family. I have an almost 10 yr old son who's dad passed away in 2000. My husband has 2 kids - a boy and a girl from a previous marriage - and then we have 2 boys together. So it's 10, 9 3/4, 8, 4 1/2 and 3 1/2....

I was 17 years old and a Senior in High school when my oldest was born. I was given so many statistical reactions. Which in a way sort of put me in a bad place with my sons father. We had an extremely rocky relationship and I wanted out but didn't want to be that 18 year old single mom to fall into the statistics. Complete crap.

I grew up with friends who's parents were in their late 50's or 60's and here they are with a 16 yr old doing all kinds of things without any knowledge what so ever! It's like they didn't have a clue and could be lied to about ANYTHING!

Being a younger parent has made me so aware and open and up front about so much with my kids. I'm grateful I had my kids, and done having kids by the time I was 24. I look at it like this -- when I'm 42 my youngest will be 18...I still got some time to enjoy life....ya know?

Megan - posted on 02/03/2009

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Omg, I can totally relate. I'm 26 and have a 9 month old. I'm not even that young, (I think) and everyone I meet assume that my husband and I got married b/c we were pregnant, when actually we were married three years before our daughter was born. I find it very hard to make friends, other moms I meet are usually ten years older and kinda snotty inn their attitude towards me. People I meet my own age aren't lining up to be my friend.  They don't understand that we can't just go out last minute, or that I am stuck home in the evenings b/c my daughter is sleeping. I am very happy being a young mom, I'm still going to be young when my kids move out!!

Jen - posted on 02/03/2009

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Hahahhaaaha!!! I suppose I'm not alone.... I agree that the not married thing seems to send a lot of people into a downward spiral, like they just can't handle the concept.

I personally enjoy living in sin. My kids don't seem to mind either.

I had my son at 19, and my daughter at 24. I'm 26 now, and still get crooked looks even though I'm on the closer side of 30.

I get a lot of " you look really young to have 2 kids" to which I now respond "I am young to have 2 kids"...

I don't fight the obvious anymore, I could care less, but it took me a lot of years to be with ok with the "whispering stare-ers"

If Emma has a tantrum in the store over something (usuially to get out of the cart and run around), It's not because she's two years old...it's because I'm a young mom who clearly is ill equipped to discipline her own child. The fact that I'm not married makes the tantrum as bad as it is.

BUT.... If I was married the tantrums would not be so loud, and if I was 35 my 2 year old would not throw tantrums at all.

Same thing as in, it's ok for a 35 year old mom to have her 4 year old still in diapers with a pacifier hanging out of his mouth... but if a young mom's kid is a day over 2 and still in diapers and paci's, it's because the young mom is lazy...

RIGHT?? ISN'T THAT HOW IT WORKS!!?

no?...oh my bad! tee hee hee...

If someone ever treats you as any less that a fantastic, capable parent...Just remember...

when our kids graduate... we'll still be hot! And the rest will be in old age homes using walkers and piddling in depends.

It won't change the fact that you're still being judged...but it's quite an amusing thought to imagine the "Holyer that thou" giving you dirty looks, peeing on the floor :)

Nicole - posted on 02/03/2009

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wow, thats amazing..I totally agree with all of you.. I have a 3 years old and i am 2 months away from having my second and I am 23. I thought when I told my best friend that I was having a baby and was so scared of everything happening I would have total support. But, it seemed like the second I started showing, I lost a lot of my friends, even her. That was 3 years ago and now she doesn't even talk to me. I also find that other couples don't want to hang out with my husband and I anymore because we have kids. It gets pretty hard because I don't really have any friends right now just because i have kids and I rarely get to go out. I love my son dearly but it gets lonely all the time with my husband working full time and me at home.

Rebecca - posted on 02/03/2009

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I totally get the "oh your young" look too!!  Im 24 and I have 3 kids. Yes Im young but Im still a pretty good mom. I find it hard to make friends with other moms. Most of the mom I have met at playschool and play group are in their 30s and they really do act like they are better off then me. It drives me crazy, but i just keep telling myself, when my kids are older and move out I will still old good!!!! LOL

[deleted account]

Yeah I get that too, i'm 22 and just had my third baby. Honestly most people don't know how old I am, when they do find out i'm 22 I get shocked looks! :o) I think what works best for me is trying to be as confident in my role as "mom" as I can be. I am the only mother my kids will ever have and i'm responsible for how they turn out  and that's something I take very seriously. Now i'm not always going to do everything right-or come even close to that-but I do have to do what I feel is best. Also I have an awesome pastor and his wife is a well known child traner so my husband and I get tons of teaching on a regular basis from them. Having that helps me to be confident as well, i'm not just going on this alone because I have the advice of someone who's been there before.

Tamara - posted on 02/03/2009

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yes i get it all the time i also fell pregnant at 17 had my daughter 3 months after i turned 18 now im nelly 23 and still get lots of dirty looks i used to take my daughter to play group and the other mothers always lookd down on me and would not talk to me because i was so young so i stoped going my daughter has started school this year and i get lots of dirty looks when i drop her off but i dont care anymore if they dont like it then there the one with the problem

Crystal - posted on 02/03/2009

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Not just you!



 I feel like I have to prove I am married before getting accepted, not only that but have to explain it was two years before Lilly was thought of. Is quite annoying esp to strangers that I don't think I should explain myself to! Even got it in hospital when I had Lilly, talking to a group of Mums, who were 35-40 saying they wish they had done it younger it would have been better. Yet when I said it wasn't any better they just all turned in to each other and said 'well i have had all my holidays' another 'I have done everything I wanted to first'. K, maybe it was because I had only had lilly a couple of hours before but I was cranky. I am 23 but prob look younger, still it is frustrating to get looked down on just because you aren't 'them'.



Crystal



 

Nicole - posted on 02/03/2009

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It's not just you! I know how you feel. I got pregnant with my first just after I turned 19 (first semester in college.) The friends thing was really hard because I'd just moved away for college too, so I'd lost touch with a lot of HS friends and hadn't made a ton of new ones yet. Any I had made sort of disappeared too.



 



What was really tough for me was when my oldest started school! He's in 2nd grade now, but I was only 24 when he started kindergarten and I'm not sure any other moms I met were even in their 20's still. Maybe late 20's, mostly early to mid 30's or older. So I felt really out of place at school functions. I was closer in age to some of their older kids (parents who had highschoolers too) than to them! But like you said, Claire, a young mom isn't a bad mom. I got super involved, now I'm in the PSO (like the PTA, just different name) and I'm in a couple committiees. I also took over the coordinator position for the Art Lit program this year which I love! (I was an art major before having kids changed my plans.) Plus I'm always in touch with my son's teacher and keep up on how he's doing and how he's behaving. I'm more involved than many of the older parents I know. But I still feel out of place at a lot of school stuff.

User - posted on 02/03/2009

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I do all the time when i take my daughter to mommy and me, and it is worse when i forget to wear my wedding rings.  I am 26 and my child looks more like her dad than me and i get funny looks because she is a lot lighter skined than i am

Claire - posted on 02/03/2009

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Yeah i know what you mean with regards to friends as well... i hardly get invited anywhere by my firneds anymore :-( and when i mention it they just say 'oh we thought you'd prefer to stay in wi ya kids' or 'didn't think you'll be able to afford it'... and i just think well, if i couldn't afford it thats my business and i would say, but atleast ask me anyway. And yes i love my children, but c'mon we all like a night of from them every now and then lol. x

Alexandria - posted on 02/03/2009

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I agree!

I found out i was pregnant when i was 18 and had just graduated highschool and i got looked down on alot. Some of my friends actually quit talking to me and wanting to hang out with me because i was going to be a Mum. It is still like that now and my son is 3 now. Its hard, its as thou they dont think that we are the same people anymore because we have kids, but really we are just like everyone else just a little younger when we start our familys. I also agree with the fact that I just learnt to deal with it to and try not to let it bother me, but you are most certainly not the only one out there!

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