Does he really need to know?

Sara - posted on 06/03/2010

I think that its important that kids have a father figure, biological or not. I also think that its important that a child knows where they came from. When Richie is the right age, tell him who his dad is. If he loves your current boyfriend, he won't care because he will already have a positive influence in his life.

Liz - posted on 06/03/2010

I have two adopted sons, they are 14 and 15 now. My oldest knows who his bio parents are and has their contact info. My younger son knows who his bio mom is and has her contact info but he will never know who his bio dad is because she doesn't know. To be honest my younger son has dealt with being adopted much better than my oldest. Not knowing has given him peace that his bio dad didn't and doesn't know about him, he hasn't been rejected, he's just not known about. Knowing that your parent has walked away from you can be very very difficult to deal with. Don't lie to the boy he has the right to know who he is and that his bio dad didn't reject him. when he's grown he'll understand that at the time this was the best way for you to protect him. Don't bash his bio dad but let him know that he wasn't a good guy to have around a kids either.

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2010

Someday if it comes up and he asks, then you can tell him the truth. Make sure he is old enough to understand. Just because his "father" is not blood doesn't mean he's not his. A father is someone how knows how to be a man. You can give him a better life just as things are. You should not feel guilty. The truth is you did what you have to to keep him safe and happy. The sperm doner turned his back. You can keep it as just your secret. Everyone doesn't need to know you business or pass judgement. You are a better person for make the choice you need to for the intrest of your son. Someday he will thank you. If he decides to find his sperm doner then he will learn the truth of how he is. You don't have to bad mouth him just explain his father. The truth always comes out. He will only know one father, one daddy! Make it the best you can. He will truly look back one day and know you did the right thing and the best thing for him.

Lauren - posted on 06/03/2010

I don't think you should lie about it...he will eventually find out one day and you do not want to be the one your son blames. For some odd reason a lot of kids have an attachment to their biological parents regardless of if they are crappy parents or not. Even if you are trying to do what is best for your son, as a teenager he may not agree with that.

I am in a similar situation except that my 3 year old talks to his dad on the phone every few weeks... so he knows about his dad. But when you ask him about my boyfriend he will say that he has 2 dads...one is his real dad's name and the other is my boyfriend (the guy who actually plays the role of dad). So that is one way to explain it to him and then just continue to let him call your boyfriend dad.

Lyndsay - posted on 06/03/2010

You should tell him when he's older. Secrets build resentment, and he might find out one day from someone else. It should come from you.

EMMA - posted on 06/03/2010

i was in an abusive relationship my ex slashed my face and hand so i know what it feels like my husband cant stand my ex he wants to kill him i think personally hun would keep it the way it is

Michele - posted on 06/03/2010

I agree with Angie. At some point let the child know who the bio dad is. I have a dad (my mom's ex husband so my ex step-dad) and I have a bio dad who I have chosen, at the age of 26, to cut all ties with. It was more harm than good to my psyche. Your child will make the right decision when you tell him. I did and I couldn't be happier. I am actually thinking about asking my ex step dad to adopt me, even at my age. Hope this helps!

Tava - posted on 06/03/2010

I have actaully experiences this first hand. For 14 years my mom told me someone else was my father. When she first told me I was very hurt that I didn't know sooner however, now I am an adult and I understand her reasons for protecting me. I think it is how you would approach the situation that would make all the difference in how your son feels. At some point when your son gets older it may be important to expose the true identity of his biological dad, but as a mother, you need to protect your child, which is sounds like you are doing.

Alicia - posted on 06/03/2010

My daughter is 7 now. I'll just lay my whole somewhat sordid story out on the line. I left the biological father of my child without knowing I was pregnant. I was 22 at the time. Right away I began dating the man that I would eventually marry. I found out 2 weeks into the relationship that I was pregnant. No way at all that it was my current boyfriend's baby. Long story short, he signed her birth certificate and 6 months into our marriage we split up for good. I moved out of state to be closer to my mother. When my daughter was about 10 months old, I met the man she has now called Daddy for almost 7 years. He and his family have always treated her as if she were their own. We are no longer together and haven't been for almost 5 years. He helps support her of his own volition ~ without any legal claim or legal responsibility. It takes a lot of trust from both of us to do it without a bunch of paper telling us how the rules should be.

But to answer your question, I have told my daughter...in a way. She wanted to know why she and I have a different last name than her Daddy. I told her that I married someone when she was in my belly so that's why we have his last name. When she wasn't even a year old, we met her Daddy and he loved us both so much that he wanted to take care of us. I have not, however, told her about her biological father. One day I will tell her when I think she is old enough and mature enough to handle what that means ~ someone who helped create her didn't want her. He is much like your ex. As a matter of fact, my daughter has an older half sister and a younger half brother whose mother is a girl I graduated high school with. He has nothing to do with either of our children. She has a right to know about her history, including the stupidity of her mother that, in effect, gave her 3 different fathers. I think its only fair that when the time is right, your son know about his biological father. If for no other reason than to see how wonderful his Daddy really is.

Brandice - posted on 06/03/2010

Legally you HAVE to tell the biological father he has a child. It is NOT up to you to keep that information from him. You should talk to the bio father and have him sign over his rights, etc so that this doesn't come back and get you later on. What you tell your son later on in life is your business and up to you to decide. If the bio father signed over his rights you don't have to tell your son a thing about him because he made it clear he didn't want to be contacted by signing over his rights.

Christy - posted on 06/03/2010

Not that this is quite the same but here's my point of view. My husband and I could not have children on our own so we adopted embryo. I got to go through everything which in my mind was such a blessing, I loved being pregnant. Anyways my son would never really be able to figure it out on his own, unless something happened medically. But we are choosing to tell him and even though my son is 4 months old I talk to him about it so that I will continue to do this. He's my son and NOTHING changes that but I want him to know where he came from. I think if you child has a different back ground then you they need to know, because if you don't willingly tell them and they figure it out on there own thats a MAJOR trust breaker and I can't imagine how to mend that! Right now your son is young and he wont understand but at some point he will and you can tell him and explain it then. You don't need to let his "sperm donar\father" in his life at this point, especially, if he's not good for him. Let the years pass and see how things go, but I do think he needs to know.

Ashlee - posted on 06/03/2010

Speaking from experience (my son is now 5) I would leave telling him until he is old enough to understand the entire situation. The father is obviously irresponsible. My son has grown up calling another man daddy and me and my then partner told him when he was 4 that he had 2 dad's. And that he was very lucky.
The best advice i could give is never bad mouth the bio dad in front of ur child, it will come back and bite you in the arse.

Kristi - posted on 06/03/2010

I wish I would have never involved my son's father in his life. It has hurt my son more than bettered him. Honestly, if his father isn't doing right in God's eyes, he won't do right in your son's life. In my opinion, your boyfriend is right. But don't let him call your boyfriend Daddy unless he intends to STAY in that child's life. Honestly honey, you can take pros and cons all day from all kinds of people, but the decision has to be ultimately yours. You should talk to your pastor at your church. A Godly man will lead you in a Godly direction.

Kayla - posted on 06/02/2010

i am 21 years old and have 2 children tyler my son he is 20 months old and my daughter pattyjo is 5 months old. i have never known my father and i have a whole in my heart wishing i knew who he was i think you should tell him when he gets older but just explain to him that he was just not ready to grow up and be the father to your child that he should and wasnt a part of his life like the father figure that is there for him now but also tell him how much this guy cares and loves him im sure he will understand just make sure he is old enough when you tell him all this ...good luck :)

Alicia - posted on 06/02/2010

i am with you my son is almost one year and has only seen his biological father twice. i will never lie to him if he asks me as he grows up but if you and your boyfriend are ok with your son calling his daddy then let him.

Erica - posted on 06/02/2010

I think you should be completely honest with your child about everything having to do with his father. Obviously some of the things you tell him about his dad you will have to screen for age appropriotness, but i think you should tell him about the drugs and jail and that you did what you felt was best for him. I definately understand wanting to keep it from him but he WILL find out one way or another and you don't want him to be angry with you or your boyfriend for keeping it from him. Ecspecially if he is a teenager when he finds out that is the type of thing teens don't forgive thier parents for. I would answer his questions honestly and if he wants to see his father then you tell him that when he is 18 then he can find him if that is still what he wants.

KIM - posted on 06/02/2010

Having a daddy is much more important than having a father. The one who is going to be there for him is the only one that matters right now. Who is going to teach him to throw a baseball? or ride a bike? In the future yes, knowing his genitics will be important. But right know he is still a baby. I say let him stay innocent for as long as possible. And when you feel he is old enough to start to understand, then you can read books and talk about what it means to be a family.

Ava - posted on 06/02/2010

I don't think you should tell either of them, at least until the child is an adult, or when a serious medical problem may arise that it's necessary to know. But really, wait until the kid can understand. When they're already in college, they've already gone through childhood and won't be so plagued with the feeling that they grew up with a father that abandoned them, because they'll have known and understood that the dad they had took the best care of them. I wouldn't let him back in your life or bother the little boy about it.

Jessica - posted on 06/02/2010

If things are good as they are now, then i would leave well enough alone..If he grows up and has questions, then dont lie to him, and be honest about all his questions..when and IF that day comes, I wouldnt sweat it. Sounds like you are doing your son a huge favor!

Alisha - posted on 06/02/2010

I'm a bit confused if his real dad knows that is his child, so if he doesn't know then you should tell him that it is biologically his child but if you did tell him and his real dad doesn't want to get involved then I would tell your son when he is older and will understand that the guy that is his father figure is his step dad if you two marry. I don't think it's a big issue if the baby calls your boyfriend dad if your boyfriend doesn't care. I would be a bit careful though because if you are not married to him, you never know, you could break up and would devastate your son. It's a tricky situation but if his real dad is a deadbeat, no use trying to make him useful, but I wouldn't hide the fact he has another child or lie to him.

Amanda - posted on 06/02/2010

I could go on both sides of the fence with this. If your son's father didn't want to be any part of his life, and is a bad example, I wouldn't tell him. I would leave it as is for now. Maybe a good idea when he is a teenager to tell him (use your judgement). I think for now it would confuse him to know about his biological father until he is really old enough to understand (or try to understand). My cousin had a similar issue - she was married to a guy, got pregnant and he decided that he wanted nothing to do with the baby and divorced her. She had the baby on her own and now has a new husband whom her son calls Daddy. He doesn't know its not his biological father - he is 4 years old and happy with his "daddy". Plus look at it this way, that guy might be his biological father, but his real father is the guy that is there for him and there for you - especially since he doesn't have to be. Good luck I hope this helps.

Olivia - posted on 06/02/2010

It sounds like you have a good man, so dont let him go. And I am in the almost same situation but my daughters father knows about her and knows where we are for the most part but only saw her the week she was born. Its awesome that your baby has the same last name but i see it this way eventually there will be words said when people are getting into an argument and it happens occasionally and some spiteful words may shoot out making your son ask questions...I would honestly let it not be a secret adn let your son figure out how he wants to go about it when hes older but not to old or he may have severe resentment.

Patricia - posted on 06/02/2010

He is too young to fully understand anyway so just leave it. Especially if he already has a daddy. Just remember when he gets older he may ask about it...

Amber - posted on 06/02/2010

i know you don't want to but you should tell him.. then that way he won't find out from somebody else.. hes got a daddy in his life now who loves him.. which will also help as he still has a daddy figure in his life that will teach him right from wrong and do guy stuff with when hes older..

Karen - posted on 06/02/2010

My son is 9 - has met his biological father 3 times - and only because I needed him to sign over full custody to me so I could do what I needed to do when it needed to be done without having to get consent from him (sadly the law is pretty tight on that one). The guy found out I was pregnant and the first thing he did was call one of his friends and ask if abortions cost or not - such a stand up guy.

My son asked over the years but there was no contact - I just told him well he didn't want to be around and didn't want to deal with a baby at that point in his life - which was true. Ironically 3 years later he got married and now has 2 girls - go figure. I think that if the question arises then answer it as best you can - if it doesn't come up then why stir the pot.

My common-law husband has taken better care of Cam and has been there for him through all sorts of things in the last almost 4 years - so really my son has forgotten all about his deadbeat biological dad - when I say your dad he just assumes I mean Kevin (my common-law husband) and I say no your biological father - he goes who...so even after meeting him 3 times in the last 2 years he still could care less and forgets about him. No one HAS to do anything or say anything - if there is any chance that your son one day wants to make contact it could be really hard - I found my son was way more irratable and just not himself for some time after meeting his biological father - in a way it did more harm than good - stired up some pretty harsh feelings and he realized that his father was NOT like he had hoped him to be.

It's a tight line to walk - you just have to make sure you have all the facts and don't push the issue one way or another...it could do more harm than good in a lot of cases.

Kelly - posted on 06/02/2010

I grew up with my step-dad whom I knew as dad, but was always openly told about my bio-dad. I always appreciated the openness. If you talk about it from when he's young it will be less of a big deal. And knowing what a good dad your current BF is I'm sure he will grow up with him as his "dad" and dad-figure.

Nicole - posted on 06/02/2010

From personal experience I am a stepmother to a wonderful 6 year old his mother has been out of the pic since he was 6 months I did not know him till right after he turned 3 at the beggining he would call me my nick name which was fine as time has gone on he now calls me mommy all the time by choice just one day he started and hasn't stopped 3yrs later we have never corrected him. within the last year since I am pregnant he has been asking a lot of questions so we have told him that I am his mommy but he has 2 mommies one that had him and me that lives with him he sees her maybe once a yr and he thinks that she is just another adult this will probably change but we have never lied to him it would only confuse him down the road, make her mad, make him mad because he ws lied to and complicate things. I would never want her with our son alone but if she wants to see him supervised by us once a yr I will do it to keep the peace. Plus in the end it really is his decision and his birth fathers decision weather they have a relationship because you cannot control what he finds out after he is 18 or what either of them decide to do. I hope this helps a little.

Jenette - posted on 06/02/2010

I'd say when your son is old enough to understand explain it to him. My biological father wasn't good either-and he's referred to as the sperm donor to lol. So your son has a father whose not in his life-what counts is that he has a dad-by the sound of it right now your boyfriend. A father provides the swimmers-a dad is someone who is there for you.

Christin - posted on 06/02/2010

its up to you, if thats how the dad is i would not want him in my childs life either. to me I think every kid should know who their biological parents are wheather you tell them the truth when they are older and can understand it and then if your bf takes on the roll of his dad and even maybe adopts him he can know that thats his dad. to me a parent biological or not thats there is a parent. my mom gave my half brother up for adoption and he knows who my mom is and thats his real mom and they taught him early on that they are his parents that adopted him, so tho they arent his real parents they are his parents.

Letitia - posted on 06/02/2010

Im 22 yrs old and i have never seen /known anything about my father and i really dont care about him in fact i hate him and never wanna see him ever ,



Ive recently well 6 months ago had a baby girl Brooklyn and if and when she asks about her father i will tell her but thats only if she askes or he wants to be with us ,

Erica - posted on 06/02/2010

i say leave it alone! your boyfriend sounds great and as long as you correct it for the medical reasons, everything should be fine! Anyone can make a baby but it takes a man to raise one!

Darlene - posted on 06/02/2010

My mother had me with her 1st husband but they were already divorced when she got pregant with me. I found out about him from my brother who wasn't suppose 2 tell me! I was 5 at the time, imagine how i felt when i found out that the man I thought was my dad really wasn't! I cried 4 days about it. I think that u should tell him when u feel like he is old enough 2 understand u don't want someone saying something thinking that he already knows! Believe me he will take it better if he hears it from his mommy (I would have)!

Sarah - posted on 06/02/2010

I would wait until he's older. That's what i am gonna do.Im in a similiar situation. I am engaged to a great guy, i have been with him since i was 4 months pregnant with my 6 month old daughter. She is being brought up to call my fiance "daddy" and he treats her like his own, even introduces her as his own. My ex knows she's his, but i still deny it to him. He has threatened to take her away. But he's very unstable, i found out he's a convicted pedophile. He doesn't have a chance. But anyway, i think if u tell him later when he's more mature and it's easier for him to handle it. I would make sure to mention that u did what u thought was best and give him the option to contact his birth father.

Amanda - posted on 06/02/2010

I think the best option is to never lie or keep things from your child.I promise you. If he ever finds out you were lying he will resent you and always know that you kept that information from him. You don't have to let him see his real father or even meet him but I believe he should always know who his real father is and why you chose not to have him in his life. If he has more questions when he is older just be straight up with him. I can guarantee your son will respect you a lot more for it.

Edna - posted on 06/02/2010

it takes more than sperm to make a father, if you think this guy is that bad and is safer for your son not to have contact then your probably right.he can always find him when he's older if he wants too

Chelsea - posted on 06/02/2010

My son is 5 months old..and his biologicl father has only seen like 3 times. He doesnt pay for him or anything. I gave my son my last name. His father was a drug addict and he never has money. It took me 2 years to figure out that he was no good. He even says i was cheating on him when I got pregant so he doesnt even think Caleb is his. He is happy without his father.

Kristina - posted on 06/02/2010

When he is older and asks you can tell him what you know about his father, and let him make his own decision. Right now, I'd say don't worry about it.

Ann.M. - posted on 06/02/2010

i would talk to legal ad about thay will be able to help you do the right thing for you and your son i know i have four kids and non of them have the same dad my older threes dads ran off when i told them i was preg the only one that stayed is my youngest dad who i am still with and have been for 7 years at the end of the day its up to you and your partner but i would tell the babys dad only for health just in case your son needs him

Lisa - posted on 06/02/2010

I dont think he ever needs to know the truth. A lot of people grow up not knowing their father. I mean there are women who dont even know who there babies daddy is so why tell your son who his "real" dad is

Stacey - posted on 06/02/2010

i have that same problem my daughter is almost 3 now and her real father has been in prison since i was 4 months preg the guy im w now has been in her life since she was 11 months old so thats the only dad she has ever known she calls him daddy w out us even saying anything to her and i totally agree if you guys are happy where your at and you know this guy your with is going to always be there for your child then why bother trying to explain to a little kid that there is someone else that is their dad bc they will want to meet them and he doesnt sound like he deserves to see your kid! i know every kid has the right to know who their parents are but if it is just goin to hurt the kid in the end what is the point! just like in my case my daughters "sperm donor" wont be out of prison til she is 6 what would be the point of even tellin her! maybe when they are older sit down and have that talk w them but for now i wouldnt say anything its just goin to hurt more then it would help! kids dont understand stuff like that so i wouldnt even try to explain til they are at least 10 or little older where they can understand you were doin this to save them from the heartbreak of someone not wantin then in their lives!!

April - posted on 06/02/2010

im dealing with the same thing with my four year old except the dad knows about but she doesnt know him and calls my fiance daddy. we both sat down and talked about it and we feel the best thing is to wait till shes old enough to understand... we agreed 8 was a good age. that said his oldest brother went his whole life thinking his dad was his father and was crushed when he found out that he wasnt. he was 28 when this happened! so i would say tell him when everyone is ready to know the truth.

Jami - posted on 06/02/2010

Really, he should know that he had a different father, for medical reasons and what happens if this stranger who says he is his daddy comes up to him while he is at school or coming home from school one day. you want to protect him and keep him informed.Right now is ok since he is too young to understand, however, guys like his sperm donor tend to pop in at the worst times thinking that they have every right to their offspring, even though he said he didn't want anything to do with him.
I am glad that he has someone special in his life to call daddy. He needs that and needs the stability so he can grow up strong and well rounded.
Even though the thought is hard you need to keep it in mind that anything can happen.
And he will need to know the medical history of his biological father if he ever goes to the ER or anything like that.

Yareli - posted on 06/02/2010

Tell your son at the appropiate time of age. I think it is better for him to be away from his biological father since he is not a good role model for him. If your son is doing good and is healthy right now without knowing his biological father then keep it like that.

Jessica - posted on 06/02/2010

let me tell from a lot of experience that the best thing for your CHILD would be to let him grow up with knowing your boyfriend as anything other then his father.when he is old enough to understand which is about age 5 then u should tell him the truth.Let him decide whether or not to call him dad which he most likely will.This will save your child A LOT of resentment towards u later...becuz if somehow ur child found out after so many years he would b crushed.I am friends with someone who that happened to and she wishes she never knew, but that doesn't mean that they will never accidentally find out.It is a VERY sticky situation and the best thing to do is for your child is to ALWAYS be honest.It may b hard trust me i know but at the end of the day it will b best for everyone, and it will most likely b a positive thing.

Rebecca - posted on 06/02/2010

well, the man has a right to know that he has another child even if he doesn't want him. Down the road you might want to try for child support or even have him sign his legal rights to him over so there won't be any complications if the man you are with now wants to adopt him.

Sabrina - posted on 06/02/2010

girl i know what u mean. i have 2 kids that aren't my hub.but both my kids father know they have them but the one just dont want anything with are son but he pay his childsupport. my son know that he has another father and bryson want to meet him but his father look at him in his face and said nothing so my be its a good thing to tell ur son when his older then when there a small age. cuz its hard on them to feel like there not wanted by there father with other kids.good luck and i hope for the best for u and ur family

Stephanie - posted on 06/02/2010

only you know what to do never doubt the disicion you make to keep your children safe and when he is older you could tell him what really happened when he can fully understand the situation. he will need to know at some point because he has someone else dna and may need to know mediical backgrounds

Brandee - posted on 06/02/2010

I think you still have time to determine this based on your kids age. I would not personally withold information from him as he gets older, but don't bash his bio father in front of him either. Just say something like "your biological father couldn't take care of you and me, and that is why we are with daddy and we love daddy don't we?" My brother in law adopted his girlfriends baby shortly after they got married.. Now they are divorced and the kid is 10.. during the separation she told the kid that my brother in law is not his dad.. poor timing on her part trying to drive a wedge between my brother in law and his adopted son.. She was just jealous that the boy wanted his daddy.. My point being that it will come out eventually, so I think it is better to keep it open but age appropriate.

Rebecca - posted on 06/02/2010

i wouldnt tell him , your boyfriend has took on the roll of being your babys farther and that takes guts , it take a man to make a child but it takes a real man to raise one ,, always remember that!

Heidi - posted on 06/02/2010

My opinion-I think you should tell the father that he has a child with you and let him decide from there what he wants to do. Also, the child has a right to know who their REAL father is.
Why do you people think it is alright to keep the father and the child in the dark about something this serious and then turn around and tell the child that the father was a douchbag and a no good for nothing person? Obviously you thought the guy was good enough to screw and get pregnant!!! It's just as much your fault for being irresponsible and getting pregnant in the first place. So, if you are going to point fingers and tell the child about the father, then maybe you should also tell him about yourself!!! Also, in all respect, the father has a RIGHT TO KNOW that he has another child in this world...

*Next time use BIRTH CONTROL!!!*