Falling in Love while married

Tara - posted on 05/05/2010

I spent four years in an mently abusive relationship. He called me everything under the sun. He was with seven different women that I know of. If you found a nice guy that wants to be with you and treats your kids with RESPECT then go go for it. When I married my ex my self estem was ok. It was not the best but It wasn't rock bottom either. But as the years went by it just got worse and worse to where I BELIEVED I could not be loved by not one else because he told me so. He had me so brain washed that I knew I could not live with out him. Two years ago we let one of his friends move in with us and we ended up sleeping together and to make a long story short we are still together. My new man has shown me that I was capable of being loved by someone other than my ex. We now have a six month old together! I Say do what you think is best. But get out of your current relationship. My oldest daughter still has night mares about her dad and my fighting. The sooner you do it the better your kids will be!!! Good luck!!

Charlie - posted on 05/05/2010

3 years out of 4 is along time to be unhappy and abused in all respects. You need to get yourself and your children out of there. I know its easy to look in from the outside and say what you think people should do but its not good for you or your children. I wouldn't leave your husband for your friend however. You should leave him for yourself and for your kids. If your friend is a true friend and has the same feelings as you he will wait and just be there for you until you are ready and the time is right. You need to find and be happy with yourself before getting involved with anyone else. Alot of things go with what you are going through right now not only for you but your kids too. They also need time to adjust if you leave. Once you are happy and your children are happy gradually introduce your friend back into yours and your kids lives, first as a friend and then as more if thats what you both want. I hope you do find the strength to take your children and leave and that everything works out well for you! Your husband doesn't deserve to be with you or your children! I don't know if this will help, I hope it does but I've just found an organisation that will be able to help you.



Women's Aid Federation of England

PO Box 391

Bristol BS99 7WS

Tel - 0808 2000 247 - 24 hour helpline.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Cassie - posted on 05/05/2010

First of all, get out of this situation. Why did you stay for so long? He doesnt love you because men who love women dont beat them. And second, how violent is he? Is he controlling? If you think hes capable of taking your life for leaving, you need to plan this the right way and speak with authorities. This is not good for your children. This is not good for you. And the new guy might be able to help you. But maybe you should hold off on romance until your bad situation is over.

Renee - posted on 05/05/2010

If he is abusing you mentally, physically, and emotionally I would get the heck out off there and and take the kids with you while you still can. Just like a lot of people are saying, it is not healthy for you or the children. No matter how young they are, they know what is going on. It will just mess with them as they get older and cause issues in their relationships later on. If and when you get a divorce, make sure the courts are aware of the abusive situation and personally I would fight for minimal visits with him for the kids.
With this other guy...I wouldn't move too fast into a relationship with him. Take some time to let yourself heal up. If he truly loves you he will understand and give you all the time you need. I used to be in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. The first time he hit me I was out the door. We did not have any kids together thankfully. It has been almost 10 years since I walked away from him and I am still having mental issues because of him with my husband. Good luck to you and your children!!

Sheriah - posted on 05/05/2010

I am going give them time to adjust they have known my friend for as long as they have been living, but right now I am just living for them and taking time for myself before I get back into the dating field. I have a 3mth old and right now bring a male figure thats not his father to me is wrong so I am taking time but I have left the situation but we have to be adults about a relationship toward the kids.

Chris - posted on 05/05/2010

Altho I feel if you are getting abused you should leave, think about the children before you get involved with someone else so quickly. Children will often become more confused if a relationship starts as soon as one ends.

Danielle - posted on 05/05/2010

for one you do not derserve to be abused in any way by a man and your kids do not need to be around that you need to move on if you are unhappy you deserve better and if the new guy can and will give you that and a safe place for your kids than you know what to do

Bethany - posted on 05/05/2010

If your husband is abusing you, you need to leave. Not for another man, for yourself and your children. If he will hurt you he will probably hurt them and you need to get out. If you have another man who will help you and give you support, that is a side benefit. You need to do hat you need to to protect yourself and your kids. Good luck and be strong!

Kaley - posted on 05/05/2010

I have been through this with my mother and she stayed for 17 years before she found the strength to just walk away, and let me tell you what my sibilings are all kinds of messed up cause of all of it. I know it is hard to leave but if fear of leaving especially if he is home i part of it. Make arrangements with a family member and talk to a lawyer or a womens advocate from a local battered womens shelter when he isn't home to make a solid plan for removing you and your children from the house. And the best way to leave is when he isn't there and by getting help from outside sources and creating a plan for how you are going to do it and who is going to be there to help you leave as fast as possible on that day will help immensely. Remember your childrens happiness and your happiness do matter and you have a right to ensure that is what you get. Good luck and I hope all works out for you. and there are people to help you make it as smooth of a transition as possible.

Valerie - posted on 05/05/2010

I think that if you love this man and he loves you then go for it and move on with your life. 3 years is a long time to be fighting i know... somewhere in your heart you already begun to move on. I know what its like just basically being an unwilling roommate with your husband its hard, soo hard. I did the same thing i fell in love with my best friend while i was still married and im not saying that all is right in the world now but now i have hope for a better future for me and my babies... I hope that everything works out for you and your babies

Erica - posted on 05/05/2010

sounds like you need to get your kids and get out of there. your kids dont need to see that anymore its not heatlthy for them. sounds like you found yourself a better guy and you better jump on that chance before its too late..

JuDiTh - posted on 05/05/2010

Once things are said and/or done...it ends up bad for both you and the children. No matter how loved you feel by this other man, it looks like you definately need some alone time for the children's sake. Acknowledging how violent your husband has been towards you is the first step in choosing to get help. Just know that you're not alone in that and that there is help elsewhere...just do your research and hopefully all goes well for you and your children.

Desiree - posted on 05/05/2010

[husband talking] Ditch the abusive guy. He's not worth it. If you're scared of him (for any reason) then get out now, before he takes it farther and gets more physically violent. I'll also reccomend that you take it easy with the new guy. I'm not saying don't do anything, but be easy about starting a new relationship. You don't need to get attached too easily, especially considering you'll be 'on the rebound.'



Also, on another note, if he gets worse (in terms of physical violence), and you fear for yourself (or the kids, for that matter) go to the police. Don't be afraid to get them involved. Better him to be in jail than physically abusive to any of you.

Lisa - posted on 05/05/2010

Staying in this relationship is damaging your kids in more ways than you could ever imangine. GET out now

Krista - posted on 05/05/2010

If you are being abused you need to get out of this relationshi. My mother was abused for 11 years because she was afraid to leave. NO ONE should be treated this way, you do not deserve it. You need to do what is best for you and your kids.

Kiara - posted on 05/05/2010

First don't allow yourself to be abused by anyone! Forget about the best friend for now and FOCUS ON YOU. Being in a violent relationship can take a drastic turn at any time. Didn't you hear about the UofVA student that just got killed by her boyfriend. You have to protect your children too, believe me whatever you have to grow through to get you away from their abusive father they will thank you for it when they grow up. So find a halfway house or a abused woman shelter and start your life over. And if your best friend is truly your best he will support you and be there for you while you go through this transition and healing. Then maybe you can love in a healthy way, but first protect and heal yourself.

Emma - posted on 05/05/2010

Firstly you need to deal with what's going on at home first and foremost. this is not the time to be getting involved romantically with anyone.
If you are being physically and mentally Abused this is not a safe or healthy environment for you or your children.
If you are ready to call it quits you need to formulate an exist strategy, if you are fearful about trying to leave you need to contact a battered woman's shelter they will be able to give you relevant advice regarding restraining orders if you need them and will help you plan you exist and give you and your kids a safe place to stay if you need it.
I know you think you are in love with your friend and you might well be, but in till you are in a good place keep him as just a friend. you do not want to enter into a relationship, while you are still married, or emotionally vulnerable.
If he is as great as you say he is he will wait for you to take care of business.

Good luck

Kim - posted on 05/05/2010

My advice is to leave. pack up your stuff, your childrens stuff and run to an assult Crisis Center. My mother works at one and I know for a fact that there is protection there. they'll help u file for divorce, get a PPO, Anything you need. Just get out. I see too many of these case where the women do all this and go back to they're men. this is unhealthy for you and for the children to be around.

Chelsea Cleo - posted on 05/05/2010

I was in an abusive relationship and really scared to leave, i thought if I left that my partner would come after me, stalk me and harass me even more. I moved all my stuff out while he was at work and I got a protection order against him.
If this man treats you well, is great with your kids, you really do love him and he respects you then go for it. Dont look back at your relationship now, dont feel bad for your husband it will only make you feel more guilty for leaving
All the best for you love

Racheal - posted on 05/05/2010

You should do what you feel is right.....of course your going to hear people say leave because your being abused physically, and yes you should....because no woman should ever have to go through that with no guy. You are too beautiful and you have children to worry about. I am a person who suffer from depression and anxiety attacks, because of my childhood. I've seen my mom and dad fight over a million times....that's not healthy for any child to have to witness his/her parents being unhappy and mistreated. As far as the whole falling in love with your best friend thing, that can be a good thing and also a bad thing. It can be good because you both know each other, grew up together, and also have a better understanding of each other. You say he get along with your kids and that's great.....that's actually better than most men...most aren't involved with their own kids, but to find a man who's interested in your kids from your marriage is an A+.....Now to get on with what i was saying....you have to look at things from another stand point....it can be a bad thing if you talk to him because, just because you and him were best friends and that you feel that you are falling in love for him, it doesn't mean that you will be great together as in being in a bf/gf relationship, but it's worth a try.....You have to look at what you are jumping into....by you being in love with him while your married...he might just carry that around on his shoulder...it may be hard for him to trust you. It's going to be, "I don't trust you because you were telling me you were in love with me while you were married to another man", not that i know him like that.....but you have to be careful. Whether you leave your husband or not...take your time with this friend of yours....you might want to take your time because you did mention that the kids love him, you don't want your kids to get attached to someone and then it doesn't work out right...but i am not judging you...nor am i bashing you. You are entitled to make your own decisions...just choose wisely.......All you need is faith in what it is that you believe in and everything will work in your favor. As far as you being married, but in love with another man...don't feel bad....You are a human being...and we, as humans, make mistakes...mistakes that we will learn from....I wish you all the best and hope that you will be blessed with success and happinest.

Betty - posted on 05/05/2010

I think what all the other ladies have said is easier said then done, just becouse you have three kids with your husband and your probably wondering "what will I do support all my three kids?, or I can,t do this all by myself," what if they want their daddy? I can imagine all this going through ur mind, thats probably why your still with him. I really think that you should pray and think about the situation throughly and look for help from close family members and friends. I also think you should honestly settled the current situation with your husband before you even start thinking about a relationship with your bestfriend just because it will only add on to the situaton and you maybe rushing into things because of the treatment your getting from your husband. best of luck!

Emma - posted on 05/04/2010

i havent bn married 4 12 months yet & i am in the same situation, not that my husband beats me, i love him but i guy i was with 10 years ago has recently contacted me & we have bn talking 4 a while about our history 2gether. he says he still loves me & that if he was ganna have kids it would have bn with me, he would have looked after me & done anything 4 me. i love them both, him & my husband. from past relationships my advise would b 2 leave ur husband if he beats u, it will never change. if this new guy loves ur kids thats a bonus. at the end of the day tho no1 but u can make the decision. good luck with everything. XXX

Manige - posted on 05/04/2010

You should never accept treatment of yourself that you are not willing to accept for your kids in the future. You are teaching them how to treat others and how to be treated. Food for thought.

Julie - posted on 05/04/2010

None of us are perfect. If your husband is beating you then there is always a change that he will hurt your kids. If this new guy honestly makes you happy and will love your kids as if they were your own I say go for it. Never stay in an abusive relationship because one day it could be your kids or even your life. I wish you the best of luck

Christie - posted on 05/04/2010

By doing what is best for you will be best for those kids. If your husband treats you bad and you fight all the time.... it sounds like you know what nees to be done.
I have been a single mother of 2 for a long time and can tell you it is 100% easier KNOWING you are doing it alone than when you keeping hoping he will help. Being single and raising the kids you know you can makes it all worth it in the end.... Good luck ♥

Tiffany - posted on 05/04/2010

you need to do whats best for you and your kids. get out of there!

LaCrisha - posted on 05/04/2010

I definitely agree that you shouldn't stay! The kids are the reason you need to get the hell out of the relationship. I know from being one of those kids that use to watch their parents beat the shit out of one another! KIDS DO NOT NEED TO SEE THAT! It has a major impact on them now and later! I was much happier to see my parents divorced than them being together & I was 7 when they split! It will be better for them, they may not understand now but they will later and they'll be greatful to you!

Flor - posted on 05/04/2010

Alicia, I know you don't know me but..can you do me a favor? No matter what decision you take, ALWAYS PRAY TO JESUS because he is the only one that will make you to go back in the right track . Im praying for you. I know is so hard to take your kids away from his dad. Always talk to your children and tell them that no matter what everything is gonna be ok because you are always gonna be there for them. God bless you.

Taunya 'westermann' - posted on 05/04/2010

Looks like you have plenty advice to choose from. But let me tell you from personal experience to tread carefully! I was in THE SAME situation as you are. My husband abused me and treated me terrible, AFTER we had our girls. He was depressed and it took a toll on our relationship. I had a best guy friend that treated me like a queen and it made me feel so special and cared about for a change. It was nice. I left my husband and my mistake was that I got with my best guy friend before I was divorced. My husband ended up taking his life in 2006 after he found out I had been with this other guy. Although he was abusive, mentally, physically and verbally he did not deserve to lose his life. So I just want you to be very careful how you go about this. Of course I don't wish anybody to stay in an abusive relationship, but take care of your business first before you pursue another relationship. You and your children absolutely deserve to be happy. I am still with the guy I left my husband for and we are getting married next year! So there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be cautious of how you get there! Good luck to you!

Sarah - posted on 05/04/2010

Leave your husband. You are right you do not deserve the abuse. Staying with him because you have children with him is not healthy and it will just teach your children that that is what love is. It will be better for you and your children in the long run. Remeber you deserve love just like anybody else. DO Not settle for that crap. GOOD LUCK!

Ashley - posted on 05/04/2010

I can tell you from my own experience it is the hardest thing in the world to leave your husband. even when he abuses you. My ex-husband was extremely abusive. He was so terrible. He tried to kill me twice. None of that compared to when he almost killed my daughter. That was the day I left. Whether you love someone else or not, don't let it get that far. It will not get better. It will only get worse. Don't let your life or one of your childrens life remain in danger for one more day. There are womans shelters everywhere. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get those babies out of there!!!!! You have an out with this new guy. TAKE IT!
All my love and sympathy
Ashley

Brianna - posted on 05/04/2010

Well first of all if your being abused you need to get out of that relationship! Not only for your sake but for your kids! There are lots of agencies that can help you if your afraid of your husband. I wouldn't move to fast with a new relationship right away, first you need to get out and get yourself on your feet and everything cleared up. Then see how it goes from there. You don't want your children growing up around abuse, it can really damage a child...a person in general, and might make them more likely to be abusers or abused when they get older. Protect your babies!! :-) I will be praying for you and your family! ♥

Schyla - posted on 05/04/2010

I agree with everyone else GET OUT and take some time for you to heal and then see if you still feel the same about this other guy. take your babies and get out the the relationship that is hurting you and will probably hurt them as well. document EVERYTHING so you can sue for full custody those babies.

Alicia - posted on 05/04/2010

it's ok to leave your husband for awhile and not act on feeling for anyone else for awhile. just be on ur own and get to know you as a single mom. once your comfortable with that, it's safe to explore more options. dont jump into something new right away, it will be confusing for yourself and ur kids.

Katie - posted on 05/04/2010

I agree completely with Griselda. You should definitely get out of the abusive relationship with your husband and then worry about you and the well being of your children. If this friend of yours truly loves you and you truly love him then it can wait. Plus, if he decides he doesn't want to wait for you then maybe you found out whether or not he was the right guy for you.
I hope that you leave your husband and get things figured out before you decide to doing anything else. My fiance' mom and dad were very abusive verbally to each other and they were (are) separated for the fourth time. Its very hard on their kids and every time they split up his mom gets with another guy that "she thinks" is the man of her dreams. I'm not saying that thats what you're doing but she doesn't realize, or care, how much it affects her kids. Its so sad to watch, its even affected me to a certain extent.

Jocelyn - posted on 05/04/2010

Don't even worry about falling in love with your friend right now. Get out of the abusive relationship and get you and your kids settled down and stable. Make sure that your kids are emotionally ready to have another man in their life and THEN you can think about your friend.

Heidi - posted on 05/04/2010

im goin through the exact same thing u r except with two kids...i just recently realized that i deserve better too not only for me but for my children...its been a week already since i kicked him out and to see how my childrens attitudes have changed and just everything its alot better now that the stress is gone and the abuse..my advice for u is do what makes u and ur kids happy it would be better then to stay and kive with the regret of passin up the best thing for you and ur childrens life..i wish u the best of luck i hope u make a good choice.

Lyndsay - posted on 05/04/2010

Leave your husband. If you think you're protecting your kids by staying in a hostile home, you're not. You need to be a role model and stand up for yourself and your rights. If you take the beatings you are teaching your kids that its okay to let someone else walk all over you.

Michele - posted on 05/04/2010

Leave the abusive husband and ask your guy friend if he can help you with the move. Don't go straight into a full on relationship with him right away. Take a breath and learn to live independently first, then if you still feel more in love than just love him as a friend give it a shot!

Crystal - posted on 05/04/2010

hey there well first and for most when you love somebody else other than your husband you are not in love with your husband u just must have love for him because he is the father of your children. I do thgink you need to get out of the marriage before he gets worst and the abuse travels to your kids keep your head up and always follow your heart. if you need anything feel free to email me cuteangel20069@hotmail.com

Jennifer - posted on 05/04/2010

If you want to do what is good for you children then get them out of a violent situation. I know that it is easier said than done but it sounds like ur husband is not good for anyone. Good luck:)

Carrie - posted on 05/04/2010

I have been there and done that scared to leave because i was unsure what he would do to me. But i did it anyways one night i seen the look on my kids face everytime their father hit me they were so scared it broke my heart. Its been two years now im gone have my kids all the time and so much happier without him, my kids are also took my son little time to get over everything. But i will say this its an on going battle everyday with they dad always taking me to court but he will never get the kids everything he did to us catched up to him went to jail for beating me at the airport when i tried to leave and he had the kids 10 days one time and got reported for child neglect now he has no rights to the kids at all. But best thing i can tell you is you need to take pictures and call the cops so its on file how many times it has happenend. If hes doing anything else like never helping with the kids and has a drinking problem or something you need to take pictures. You cant just say hes doing it and have no way to show them that he really is then becomes hes says she says type of thing and that will never hold up i know. best of luck if you ever need to talk feel free i been there.

Natasha - posted on 05/04/2010

You need to do what's best for you and your children. It's not heathy for them or you to be raised in a violent home. The last thing you want is for your children to think that's how a marriage is supposed to be.

LeeAnn - posted on 05/04/2010

Definitely don't stay in a violent relationship, but you may be having feelings for this friend because of the pain your husband is putting you through, it sounds like you need to leave your husband, but don't go running into the arms of another man right away. You need time to heal and to learn to love yourself, then you can be in a happy healthy relationship. Focus on yourself and your children right now, I'll be praying for the safety of you and your kids.

Siobhan - posted on 05/04/2010

If your relationship ship wiv your husband is a violent one, then for your kids sake as well as your own get out of it!!!!!
As for the other person see how things go, but DONT stay in a violent relationship. gd luck

Amanda - posted on 05/04/2010

my gosh if your relationship with your husband is that bad you need to get out right away so that nothing happens to your children. You deserve much better then that and its obvious that you don't love him anymore...if this other guy is good with your children then I would say you should leave, being in an abusive relationship is not where u or your children should be...obviously it up to you but I think you already have the answer...and if it was me I would be gone...hope everything works out for u!

Janina - posted on 05/04/2010

aw hun that is awful..... i would definitely without a doubt get out of that abusive relationship! it isnt healthy for u or the children!!! omg im so sorry to hear this is happening to you. i agree with annemarie, i would get out of it and give urself time to think... its definitely what needs to happen. all the best to you and your children x x

Tanika - posted on 05/04/2010

First I'm so sorry for what you and yoru kids are going through. I know it is hard for you to leave and no one can tell you what to do especially not being in your situation it is different for everyone. The best thing to do is get out for you and you children. You have to do what is best for you and you don't want your kids to see that is how you suppose to be treated. If you don't have anywhere to go call the nearest domestic violence centers. Good luck and know every woman has strength in them. Be strong

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2010

leave your husband and follow your heart. When i was a child my dad used to beat my mom and there were always argument in the home and it still affects me to this day. I find myself not being able to let it go. I am grown now and it still haunts me, I would never wish that on my children or anyone else. See I am now a fearful person and now my sister(who also witnessed the violence) is a violent person. It can really scare your children for like and affect how they live later in life. I always asked my Mom why she waited so long to leave him and she said it was because of us kids. She can't take back all the years she lost being with him, and she can't give us back the childhood that we missed out on. Just think about it, you will make the right choice. The state can help you too, there is plenty of help out there, don't forget that. Good Luck, I will be praying for you.

Sonya - posted on 05/03/2010

I definately think you need to get out of the relationship you are in . NO woman deserves that. then you can get yourself and mind straight and move on but be careful for yuo and your family not to metion the other man cause sounds like your husband may go for revenge . So if you decide to chose this other man you may want to move after you put a restaint order against him and make sure you document all that he has doen to you so you can protect kids from him in future. God bless you and your decisions