Feeling Alone

Jessica - posted on 10/18/2011 ( 35 moms have responded )

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I've been feeling alone lately because I've found it's really hard to keep friends with having three children that need constant care. With one under two, the second three, and the other four I'm always having to say "no, maybe some other time."With my husband working all the time and wanting to spend days off with his friends I struggle to make friendships work. I just can't seem to find me time. Does anyone else understand what i'm going threw?

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Heather - posted on 10/19/2011

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I kind of understand, though I only have one child that is three, but have one on the way. It is hard for me to find "me time" as well. I totally get the husband thing too, they just don't seem to have the same drive as we do to keep the kids. My hubby is great most of the time, not trying to dog on him, but I totally have more of the time with my son and it can get really overwhelming when there is no time to do anything for myself. I highly suggest getting a babysitter, even just to come to your house for an hour while you shower (or take a bath) and do things for yourself where your kids cannot bother you and you know they are well taken care of! Other than that, I would suggest you find a way to talk to hubby about taking care of the kids for one evening every week so you can go do things with your friends. Or suggest having your friends come over (if they have kids, yours will have playmates!) and you can kind of do both! Try not to feel guilty for these feelings, they are normal and necessary and you will be a better mommy if you get some time without the kids! Your kids will cherish the time with you even more after being apart for a little while! You are NOT ALONE in this!

[deleted account]

So why doesn't your husband watch the kids sometimes so you can go out?
Also, you can get involved with play groups in your area for moms and tots. That way you can socialize with adults and your kids can play with other kids.

Allison - posted on 10/30/2011

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Like you, after becoming a mom, and wife, it seemed I didn't have much in common or to talk about anymore, with my still single and partying friends. I couldn't relate to their life style, and they couldn't relate to mine, so the conversation began to dwindle. After moving to an area where our families were far away and I knew no one I began feeling very lonely and in need of some grown up time. A woman in the grocery store a few months earlier invited me to the local MOPS (Mothers Of PreSchoolers) group meetings after our toddler girls waved at each other and we complimented each other on our beautiful precious girls. I fished her phone # out of the bottom of my purse and called her, thinking she wouldnt remember me, she did and told me where and when for the next meeting and actually met me in the parking lot walking with me to drop my girls in the nursery and introduced me to some of the group. That was nearly 4 years ago and I have since made some of the BEST friends that I will ever have. They are such an amazing group of women and we are all bonded by our connection of motherhood and share with joy stories of our children. We celebrate each others triumphs and support each other through trials and the loneliness has disappeared. At times, my MOPS ladies are all that keep me sane. You should definately find a MOPS group, it may be one of the best things you ever do for yourself, as it was for me. This is the link to the MOPS site to find out more about it: http://www.mops.org/ There is a link on the home page to Find a Group. Just enter your zip code and they will give you information about groups that meet in your area. Oh, and my kids absolutely loved MOPS as well, they loved getting together with the other kids while I had "mommy time" and looked forward to it as much as me.

Hope - posted on 10/23/2011

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I have a 4 month old, 3 year old and an 8 year old. So finding time for myself is difficult. Just when one is happy I hear that magical word "MUM". Somedays I thing I may put my hair out if I hear that word again. But when my husband is home I do make "me time" happen. Even if it is having an hour to do the grocery shopping on my own. If a friend wants to do something through the week I say yes and the 2 little ones and I have an outing or have my friend come to me.
It is a very important thing to have me time, took me 6 years to learn that lesson. Now I am and my family is a lot happier.

Shauna - posted on 10/23/2011

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Try to get the kids on the same schedule. I have 2 / 15 months apart. When they we're very young I found myself saying the samethings. As women most of us grow up when we find ourselves in this situation; unfortunately our husbands don't. They still hang out and leave us with the little one's even after their work day has ended. Talk to him (don't yell - my mistake lol) and tell him you need a little time for you. Plan this time. Say wed night when he gets off work. He's responsible for them and you go take a LONG hot bath. That way he's not totally alone but he can only call you if he absolutely needs you! Eventually you will be able to leave the house. Most men that are like this are probably afraid they will ''break the baby.'' If you're home he's a little more comfortable even though most of the time he'll be fine. Oh_ and don't sweat the little things. (Not little but to him it will be) more than likely you will have to clean the house after he has been alone with them. Say something but don't fuss too bad. Tell him that's part of it too. :-) good luck n let us know what you tried and if it helped.

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Amanda - posted on 11/19/2011

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I am so feeling that way. Im a single mom working 3 part time jobs. When I'm not working I am spending time with my one son and that seems to be impossible sometimes. Even if I get a chance to have the night off I can't stay out late due to working so early the next morning or my friends sort of "ignore" me. I wish I could start dating because I really wish I had someone to talk to and someone to care about me but even that is impossible because i never have time to meet anyone. I feel very and completely alone. Glad it isn't just me

Tiffanie - posted on 11/19/2011

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You said in your comment way at the bottom that you and your husband do not fight about the little things. Honestly hunny- you needing time to your self and him helping out with thte kids is not a "little thing" in fact that is a huge thing. Argue it~! You need time for you- other wise you will soon not only resent your husband for not being more helpful- you will resent your children for taking away your freedom. As far as "I knew what I was getting into when I married him" - hunny- that in its self is bull. Things change in a marriage, having children makes things change even more. Wether he is old fashioned or not- they are his children. All expectations that the two of you had before having kids- should be thrown out the window as far as whom takes care of what. Your husband needs to help you out. He needs to learn their schedule and be apart of it. Ease him into how things work for your kids. It is important for him to be more involved. If he doesn't start to help you more- sooner or later in life your kids will resent him for not being more apart of their lives. Do you understand what I am talking about. Talk to your husband. If you two can not talk about these things- before you know it- there is not going to be a marriage.

Mary - posted on 11/18/2011

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I totally understand what you mean. it's hard to keep friends when you don't have time. I have 3 friends that we can go months even a year without talking and we pick up right where we left off cause they are busy too. I sometimes just want to spend time with my husband so i understand why i don't have friends that i get together with on a regular basis. My husband also would rather hang out with me on his free time cause he works a lot sometime 100 hours a week so. This is just a season in your life and it will pass. I get lonely sometime but i would rather spend time with my growing baby time flies embrace your time with your children. soon they will be out of the house and you will have so much time to make friends:)

Shannon - posted on 11/10/2011

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I understand i have two children and my husband works out of town alot and my family live six hours away .I have been going to church for about five months . Still haven't found anybody to trust to babysit or someone to talk to .

Claire - posted on 11/10/2011

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A good place to make other mommy friends and get some mom time is a local MOPS group, you can check out Mops online and find a group in your area, it is a life saver because there is child care and you get a morning to chat with other moms who understand what being a mom to little ones is all about and you also get brunch! what could be better! I found it is a great way to meet friends that you can meet with outside of the group, go to the park with your kids, or each other houses, and if you can work it out even get a evening out if you can get hubby/grandma/or babysitter to watch your little ones. I remember those days well when I had 3 kids under 3 and how I NEEDED to get out and have some grown up time. Mops was a life saver!!!
Remember how important it is for you to take care of you so that you can take care of your kids and hubby, my husband soon learned I was a better happier wife and mom when I was able to get out just me once and a while, at least a couple of times a month. We need me time and we also need time with our girl pals! Hope your able to figure out a way to get away! :0)

Jessica - posted on 11/09/2011

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yes i know how ur feeling although im a single mum and well i dont have that many friends but the ones i do have are great they help me out with my girls we go place and its no problem the girls coming along but u still feel lonely sometimes and going to play groups is a good idea if u r a out there kind of person i dont go but my girls go to day care three days a week and one of those days is all mine and i work the other two so maybe u should look into that see maybe if u can get one day to urself or failing that talk to ur husband he helped create them he can help look after them

Kasey - posted on 11/07/2011

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I understand completely. I'm a stay at home mom, so when my husband's car died and we didn't want another payment right now he took my car. So I'm always at home and he's always working (he works two jobs and goes to school full time). I've lost touched with a lot of my other friends but I do have a few that will come and visit me. I'm thankful for that it helps me keep my sanity as I also babysit two other children and I'm often in need of some adult conversation. Maybe you should talk to your husband and remind him that you're at home with the kids all the time and he needs some alone time with them too. And that you feel really isolated from everything and that you would like to go out with your friends every couple of weeks. Good luck!

Sandy - posted on 11/06/2011

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i definitely understand what you're going through.. i have 2 kids now (ages 2 and nb) and i always feel out of place with my nonmarried friends/nonparent friends.. though they dont physically say or do anything when i'm around to make me feel out of place, i still do.. idk why; guess its just bc i know they dont physically have any attachments/responsibilities asides from wondering which new phone they're going to upgrade to whentheir next paycheck comes in, and i guess that makes me miss having that freedom so much it makes me feel like a burden and thus out of place... but i've also found it's real hard to meet/make new friends if they arent married and have kids of thier own...

Christie - posted on 11/04/2011

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i go threw that as well. My husband doesnt spend time with friends on his day off its moreso sleeping or playing computer games. We have two girls 16 months and 5, so it gets frustrating for me bc i dont have many friends to hang out with or go do a moms night out. If you want to email me to vent i completely understand :)

Loni - posted on 11/01/2011

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I totally understand i have five sister who have children and can relate to your situation. I think that as a mom as long as you make fun time with your children at least an hour or too of just coloring or play dow that it lets them know that mommy is there and that afterwards you desreve mommy time. also it doesnt hurt to surrounf yourself with some good internet friends lol other mommies. I have a 1 and a half year old and live across country from my family but as long as i designate mommy and baby time he is content.

Tenelle - posted on 10/31/2011

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As I can see from these posts no you aren't alone and this seems like a common thing that we all are going through which makes me also feel so much better as I am like you though I have nothing to complain about (as I only have a 2 year old) but my husband works away alot and pretty much has since our son was born. So i've pretty much been playing the 'single part time' mum card for most of our son's life.
We moved 12 hrs away from our family and friends for my husband's job which was to make things better for us financially and also that he would be home more but work loads and a new promotion hasn't made any of this happen. He's away more and though I am happy and proud for him, I am sad, lonely and depressed for me.
I find it really hard to find a job and in keeping the casual 1 day a week job I have to help put my son in daycare and give him the social interaction he needs I cant find anything that is available close to me.
Instead of telling you my whole story I will just let u know that I too know how you feel and am trying (after a year of trying and failing and I still have my moments) just do what makes you happy. Sometimes we need to be selfish, as long as the children are happy and healthy and we have completed our 'job' sometimes we can let things go and do something for ourselves.
I left all my family and friends and even though you ring them up it's not the same as having them here and having that social, one on one interaction.
Instead of waiting for your husband to offer or sitting at home waiting for him (as I did cause i missed him and just wanted to spend time with him) I just went and did things for myself.
Though it's easier with 1 then 3 but see if you can find a centre or play centre (like one of those kids playground that babysit for an hour or two) or find a babysitter that you can rely on so you don't have to pay full day care fees and just go and do it for you.
Dont ask - tell, tell your husband on this date/day etc that you are going out with the girls and he is to watch the kids, set it all up so the girls are ready for you and you don't cancel. He might respect u a bit more and not take u for granted so much if he see's you no longer putting your life on hold because of him.
He does it without thinking of the consequences (or more so about how you feel) so why dont you. Set the kids up or do what will make you comfortable at home before you go out so you won't be worrying about it while your out (but let him bath them and get them ready for bed, as it is his duty as much as yours, make him know what it is that you do and he might appreciate it a bit more).
After moving so far away from my family and friends I just recently hosted a "Girls Night In' and invited any of the girls I knew near us (whether they were close friends or not) for a cocktail night & watching Trashy Kardashy (Keeping up with Kardashians) at my place while my husband took our son over to our friends place and I had a ball, even though I hosted and had to set up it was a nice change to do something fun and exciting for me. My husband came home from worked, packed our son a bag and bathed him over there, so all I had to do was shower, have a cocktail and get ready for guests - we didn't watch much of the series but it was a good ice breaker and they even bought ppl I didnt know but we're planning on catching up again. Few of us have kids and a few don't.
Take charge of your life, make things happen for you. I still stumble but it's helped a little after making the decision to change my attitude and stop waiting for him to come home and be with me but instead just make things happen for me - I put myself in the mindset - what if I was a single mum, I wouldn't be waiting for him to come home to help me or do anything for me I would just get it done and it's helped.
Also I joined a community pilates that does a class in the park fpr $6 while my son is at daycare in the morning and go to work the 5 hr shift I have in the afternoon and I also now play netball (lucky that the complex I play at they look after the kids for $1 while the mum's play netty in the morning) another great way to help u get out.
Hope this helps :-) good luck with it
Where abouts are you?

Kathleen - posted on 10/24/2011

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I do, and it is difficult especially being a young mother, and many of your friends do not have children. What I have found extremly helpful is finding someone near you or a group like gymboree or the ymca that does those child classes. Then maybe meet another mom or parent and get to know them. Then do play dates even if it's just meeting at a nearby playground. That way you don't have to worry about someone watch your kids, but you get adult time. I have one friend now that lives near me, i'm at her house ALMOST everyday. Just a few moments to talk to her and have "adult" time while we know the kids are safe playing in the toy room or in the locked gated backyard and we can see them. It helps. Just one person you can talk to that is an adult that has kids will help. I can attest to the fact that I used to have emotional breakdowns everytime my husband went on night shifts. So bad I would lock myself into the bathroom for 5-10 minutes and cry. It hasn't been so bad since I now have my friend a block away lol. I start feeling horrible I call her and tell her i'm coming over. Then we just hang out and I feel much better. We've come to an emotional agreement, I keep her sane she keeps me sane :D

Bethany - posted on 10/23/2011

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I really feel the same way a lot of the time. I also have 3, similar ages: just 5, 3 and 18 months. My husband is active duty Navy and is currently a full-time student. Between moving to a new place at least a 10 hours drive from any friend/family, his school schedule (he is going into nursing as an officer), and his Navy-related duties, I am struggling to keep up with mom duties and house responsibilities. My husband does try to give me opportunities for me-time, but it isn't easy. I have done church groups and MOPS and those types. We started my oldest in a preschool this year, which helps in some ways, but dropping him off conflicts with the timing of those groups so I can't attend them now. Aside from completely understanding where you are coming from, I don't really have any answers. You aren't the only one for sure. I can offer my friendship and support from a similar situation if you'd like. :)

Juli - posted on 10/22/2011

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I know what you mean!! I now have 2 little ones (a 22 month old and 1 week old!!) it was hard enough with 1. I tried to find other moms to be friends with but they ended up moving away. Luckly we live in an apt complex and have found older friends (one even loves playing with dd) who love kids so we all can go out to the grass patch in front let daughter play while we hang out. I have always befriended to eldrly and they are very understanding and helpful. Other moms are great as well, if kids are close enough in age they can all play with each other as well they of course understand as well.

Miriam - posted on 10/22/2011

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Have you got family, like grandparents who'd look after them for couple of hours a week for you to go run business/take nap/get pedicure? :) I don't have anyone but my parents are coming for x-max and I can't wait to have a bit more help around.

Jessica - posted on 10/21/2011

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Thank you so much for all the enouraging and uplifting comments. To answer some of your questions it's been really hard because my husband is very old fashioned and when it comes down to taking care of the children it's usually my responsibility (which I knew before coming into the marriage.) And most of you are right they are his children also and he needs to respect my needs also and he tries too as much as he can but it's just easier for me to do it then him. The kids stay on the same schedule like what Kristyn said and it's not that I don't trust him it just makes life a little more simple for everyone. Also everyone is right in saying I need to be more open and express my feelings i'm just always afraid of causing confrontation between us. Which understandably I shouldn't be but it took us a long time to get to a point in our relationship where we don't make a big deal out of little things and this is one of them that I put on that list.

Sam - posted on 10/21/2011

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hey you know wat also, your kids wont be this young forever, so this feeling wont last forever. its not a lifetime sentence of loneliness i promise. i stayed home with my son for the first four months cuz i was in college and took the semester off. i dont think one friend visited me . ... it was a long winter. but its not winter anymore.

Mary - posted on 10/20/2011

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I totally know what u mean .. my husband works all day & we both go to school at night after the kids are in bed .. I hear ya about the schedule thing too ..I know a few people with kids but they r doing their own things & I feel like I get in the way ..facebook games has helped with "me time" when the kids are napping or running around like crazy people .. just hang in there .. the schedules will change constantly .. but definitly talk with hubby about whats going on before it turns into a shouting match

Mariette - posted on 10/20/2011

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when you become a mommy, friends run away..its like that. i feel the same.

Jenn - posted on 10/20/2011

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I think we all go "through" (not threw) this from time to time. Why doesn't your DH watch the kids so you can go out too? Have you tried talking to him about your feelings?

Sam - posted on 10/20/2011

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of course , this is the cost of being a mom, not all the time its a cost but there are periods. i don think i have seen my best friend in a year, and another good friend in at least 9 months , and she was tehre for my delevery!!
it just takes time before you gather the energy to want to hang out and can make the time to do so. but its worth a try . and try to spend it with the ppl who are going to understand , not a 22yr old with no kids and plenty of money to blow, you may end up feeling bad about your self. spend it with a best friend.
AND make sure you are really content with the ratio of time you get to spend alone and that your husband does with friends and all that, cuz you guys need to be on the same page about your social life, he needs to cover for you here and there so you can be your self for a while ( even a few hours, and not with grocery shopping).

Stephanie - posted on 10/20/2011

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Not sure if this would work for your situation but for me it helps to remind hubby of a few things to get him to let me get out here and there. 1. He is the kids' parent too so he needs to share in the responsibility. 2. You work all the time too! Childcare, housekeeping, etc. Being a fulltime mom is work too!

Jaime Louise - posted on 10/19/2011

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I can understand where your coming from, have you tried friends at playgroups? I'm a single parent so I know its difficult to go out with friends, I'm very lucky that the children I used to care for now offer to care for my daughter now they are grown up but I only have 1 toddler & 1 on way, do you have any friends with older teenagers who could offer to childmind if you put your children to bed 1st for you?

Jessica - posted on 10/19/2011

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I totally understand. My hubby works crazy long hours and works out of town a lot too. He spends as much time as he can with us but because he runs his own business he spends a lot of time doing paper work on his days off. (I just want to clarify to those women that assume because he works so much that he is a terrible father and spouse and should drop everything to be with us, that because of his hard work I am able to stay home with my family without having the financial stresses!) Any who....I too constantly find myself saying "sorry not this time" to people. I found out who my true friends were through this though....the true ones call to see if I would like company...knowing its hard to pack up the kids. Or they call and ask if we all want to do something! Even though it isn't a complete break from being mommy, it makes me feel like I still have a social life and that I still am the fun bubbly person I was before I chose to start a family! I hope you can find a balance too!

K - posted on 10/19/2011

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Have you thought about joining a playgroup where a lot of the mums are in the same situation as you? it is probably why they joined in the first place !!! usually there is a play area or toys for them so they are not bored. I don't know where you are from but where I live there are lots of groups,parenting classes etc where they have carers for the kids while the mums are in the group so that is a good way to have kid free time with other mums and usually they are free if it is through a government organisation. If i was you i would do something...anything to avoid the possibility of becoming depressed as it will be very hard to come out of it !!! As far as "finding the time" ...I get that !!! it is so hard with kids,there is always so much you have to do and sometimes it doesn't seem worth all the trouble to go out but even if it is 1 hour a week you will feel better for it..good luck

Ashley - posted on 10/19/2011

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Tell your husband that you need some time with your friends too. You guys are in a relationship TOGETHER! He should take care of them sometimes too.

Kelly - posted on 10/19/2011

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Yes and being a mom to preschoolers is exhausting. Half the time you worry your not doing the job well enough and your tired and desperate for adult time! I was a part of MOPS which you can google, plug in your zip code and find a moms group near you. It was so fun to get together (usually twice a month) to craft, make some news friends in the same lifes experiences that I was in and just laugh and have a good time. Chiildcare is provided. Snack usually. Just a fun 2-3 hour morning for me. I got involved in leadership and that met some other needs as a stay at home mom. Even if not that moms group find another.

Kristyn - posted on 10/19/2011

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I totally get what you are saying. I have 2 kids (20 mths and just turned 3) and they take all my time. When my husband is home he wants to do his own thing. I don't trust him to watch them for various reasons so i have a hard time making and keeping friends. I also have my kids on a schedule and i guess thats odd anymore. People make fun of me for sticking to nap times and bed times. Its so frustrating. I'm sorry you feel this way too!

Miriam - posted on 10/19/2011

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You need to discuss with your husband about your own time. I've been traveling around Australia all the time and find it very difficult to build new relationships but that doesn't mean I'm with my toddler 24/7. Even if it's a walk by myself of doing the groceries ALONE I find it therapeutic. Saying that, I only get one of these moments once a week and find it annoying to nag about the importance of my own time. But it must happen! One thing you could find really helpful is to join mum's and kids playgroups. I love having a chat and a coffee with other mums while the kids play together. Almost any church has these activities. Hope you'll find new social circles soon! xx

Stifler's - posted on 10/18/2011

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Not really. I drop everything and go out if friends ask, screw the house work.

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