feeling trapped and in need of advice

Christiine - posted on 03/12/2012

get a restraining order against him if he sets foot around he will be arrested

Brittaney - posted on 03/09/2012

Oh my goodness.. sounds exactly like my situation!! with the never showing up to appointments and wanting me to have an abortion and the anxiety every time a car passes my house.. except I broke up with him after I had the baby because I thought the negative feelings were just "hormones" but it was and is extremely stressful I feel for you completely. What I would recommend is just stay away from him do not talk to him, answer him.. You don't owe him anything especially if he doesn't even want this baby? Screw him. Although, he is the father you are going to have to deal with him for quite some time unless you want to go for full custody I'm not exactly sure how that works? I also keep a diary everyday of what happens if he over steps his boundaries or if he denies to buy her things she needs to take that to court.. I plan on taking him to court when she's a little older to petition him for child support. You don't have to let him see the baby or keep the visitation very minimal until he petitions you for visitation and you can also petition him for child support but if he has a mental illness and drug/drinking problem the visitation may not be very much.. maybe once a month and it might be supervised depending.. I would also recommend talking to a therapist as far as your anxiety I started talking to a therapist not too long ago and it really helps! It isn't easy but know that you're not alone! It will get better and soon enough you'll have a beautiful little baby to enjoy goodluck

User - posted on 02/28/2012

Thanks everyone for all your help and advice, I've informed the police and changed my number and haven't heard anything from him for a while which is good, im not bothered about him paying money ect id just be relieved to have him out of my life, and I know court would be a good thing but if I have to pay for soliciters I cant afford it and I dont really have the confidence for it because I know how much pressure gets put on people in court I guesd it just scares me, it would take me allday to tell you all the details but he seems to be playing games, thankyou again for your help hopefully it will all be sorted before the baby is here so she dont have all this drama in her life x

Jaime - posted on 02/28/2012

he is harassing you. that shit's illegal in the US. get a restraining order. you have plenty good reason to and then don't answer any calls or texts, but record how often he calls and if he ever comes to your house you call 911 or your local police and have him arrested. chances are he won't make bail, so you'll be rid of him at least until the court date.



for him to have any contact with the child, he has to have a paternity test, drug test, counseling, and a bunch of other stuff done. he will owe you child support. with him acting like this, if you keep records of it all and have that restraining order he more likely won't get any custody of the child and you can probably make it so he doesn't get visitation rights either. my mother was in an abusive relationship with her ex husband, and she had worse trying to divorce him. but he had a history of drug abuse and she got full custody of my brother and her ex has no visitation rights.



so take his ass to court, honey! fight for your freedom from this oppressive asshole!



someone mentioned that if you leave him off the birth certificate you can't get child support, but no, if you get a paternity test done to prove he's the father the birth cert doesn't matter. so leave him off that and get that paternity test done so that he has to pay child support.

Stifler's - posted on 02/28/2012

Have you called the cops about this Alex? This is seriously harassment and I agree with Jenni, get a restraining order.

Crystal - posted on 02/27/2012

Go to the cops and get a restraining order for the protection of you AND your child. Don't mess around with this guy at all. Don't pick up the phone. Don't respond to texts or harassments anymore. Just say you're done and leave it at that. I've been there, and don't EVER take the chance. Don't trust him at all, especially if there is a history of that stuff and you feel in your gut that there's something wrong with him. Trust that feeling and stay away from him and his family. And keep record of EVERYTHING he says or does as proof. Even the littlest things. I'll be praying for you. Also, whatever name you put down on the birth certificate makes that name the legal father. I didn't know that until after it was already done.

Cecilia - posted on 02/25/2012

I support restraining order, do not have phone calls with him, no communication alone, and everything he says, document. I was in similar situation and I had a restraining order but my mistake was not calling the police for every threat, every harassing thing he did. Once we were in court, all I had was threats and offensive things he said when it was him and me alone, and it was considered "hearsay" if I would have documented, had others around, and called the police for every horrible thing he did, things might have been different. I would advise you to get a lawyer while you are still pregnant and try to have him have as limited or restricted access to him as possible. When I was pregnant, I never thought long term. But remember, this unstable man with his unstable family might get unsupervised visitation, overnight visitation for several days in a row, when this baby is like 4, 5 years old, and they start to notice and remember things. Be as strong as you can be, and document, use restraining orders, anything to help you in custody court. Good luck, hopefully things get better!!!

Nikki - posted on 02/25/2012

i left my daughters father 3 months before she was born. He was never dangerous or abusive just didnt work out. However, i have been also dealin with court for 3+ years now. He has no right to call you or threaten you, everyone is correct. Without a paternity test, hes jus tsome random stranger. Get a restraining order ASAP and change your phone number. The whole "dont put his name on birth certificate" thing is BS, my daughters dad's name is not on her birth certificate and long as paternity test is tehre he's got a claim to her. Evryone else is correct. Keep a journal/diary/ notes whatever of everythign he does or says. Judges want written concrete proof. trust me ive been in front of numerous ones. Get a lawyer. you ma ynot have the money but many many counties have free legal aid to help you out and alot of lawyers do pro bono or at very least they do free initial consultations. Its a sucky situation but dont let him railroad you or threaten you and go to the police get everying in a report just in case you need it down the road. If goes before a judge likely with all those issues he'd get surpervised visits with a court social worker or by someone you trust and will have to pay monthly child support. If hes true deadbeat druggie he sounds like, once he realizes how much its gonna cost him he'll likely back off. I have primary custody and my ex only gets my daughter 1rst n 3rd wknds of the month total of 4 days with her all month and pays nearly $900 in support to me. so just calm down, go to the cops, keep a journal, and tell him he has to sue you to get to your baby. i'll bet any amount of money he'll change his tune once he realizes what he's actually getting into. best of luck to you though.

Deborah - posted on 02/25/2012

Restraining order. Save the texts, figure out a way to record phone calls, take it all to the cops and get a restraining order. Bring a medical report of your hospital stay.



Look into the laws about birth rights and what goes on the birth certificate in the hospital. I know at the hospitals I went to, if I ordered someone out of the room, they had to leave. Make sure the nurses know that you do NOT want him there when you have the baby. See if you can keep the door locked so he can't get in if it makes you feel better.



And he will have to take you to court to get visitation rights, if you simply say "no you can't have her" or "No you can't come over" then there is nothing he can do without a court order of visitation. It's the benefit of being Mom.



Don't answer his calls, turn your phone off if he keeps calling you. You also might be able to block his phone number from calling your phone. Otherwise, change your number. My daughter's dad's ex was phone-stalking him, so he changed his number and made sure his cell phone company would not give it out to anyone who called to ask.



Pull out all the 'nasty' you know about him to put in front of a judge, get witnesses on your side just in case, that way if he does try to do anything regarding custody, no judge in their right mind will do anything for this guy.



See if you can leave him off the birth certificate. You won't be able to get child support out of him but he will have no rights to your daughter that way.



Don't let him scare you: get MAD that he's trying to intimidate you like this, because he has NO RIGHT to treat you this way. Don't be a victim...turn him into one.

Ann - posted on 02/25/2012

You need to go to the Police and let them know what is going on so at least there is something on file. If you wait too long and he gets desperate the Police will wonder why you didn't step forward sooner. When he says 'You'll never get away from me' he is already making a threat which is considered to you and your unborn child. Keep the police up to date on what is going on, it will help. Especially if he takes you to court over custody. Tell the police above all of the risks he poses with mental health, alcohol, drugs etc. They will give you a restraining order! Keep your head up and stay strong you will make it through this!

Jenni - posted on 02/24/2012

I would see what you need to get a restraining order.



Why are you worried about him taking you to court? What would you prefer, him coming over every day or going to court and him being awarded at most every other weekend? I'm not even sure how this is a threat. It would be absolutely beneficial for you. More than likely, if you go to court all that's going to happen is he is going to have to first prove the child is his through a DNA test. Which costs roughly $500-$1000 (for him). He's going to be ordered to pay child support and get biweekly visits to the child. BUT you can also fight for supervised visits if he has a history of mental illness, or he is currently using drugs. And I would suggest if it's an option, supervised visits with a social worker. Not at your house.



I would highly recommend speaking with a lawyer, as well as the police to find out if the situation qualifies for a restraining order. You haven't even had the baby yet. He should not be harassing you or calling you all the time. I would also recommend corresponding through emails from now on. That way you have record of any threats or strange behaviour. Change your number if you have to, have it privately listed. Only speak to him through email within a reasonable amount. If you have a new update about the pregnancy. Let him know, but that's it.



Don't let him make you feel guilty or bully you. He is WAY overstepping boundaries on this one.

Megan - posted on 02/24/2012

I would start with a restraining order. Just cause your carrying his baby does not give him the right to harass you. Also keep all the text messges and voicemails with him threatening you ect. You can use those in court. Also he does not have rights to the baby. Just cause he is the father does not mean he needs to be in the baby life. If he is unstable that's def not good for the child. And he will have to prove to the courts that he is stable before they allow anything. So your def not agaist a wall. You can fight him and he will have to prove himself. You just have to deal with the fight. Sorry girl but good luck!

Sarah - posted on 02/24/2012

hope it helps hun x

Alex - posted on 02/23/2012

Okay thats great advice, iv been completely clueless about what to do being told just to ignore it, thanks for the advice really appreciate it x

Sarah - posted on 02/23/2012

hi tell him or get someone eles thats on even ground with you both to tell him theres no reason to contact you yet as the baby is not here yet and its causing you stress if hee keeps hassling you keep a dairy take it to the police if you have real concern for your child been around him let him take you to court if hes unstable drinking or on drugs he would have to see the child at a visiting centre if hes lucky. dont let him push you around use the support of your bf and family let them know whats going off good luck hunni x