FRUSTRATION!! Sexless relationship can it survive??

Stepmom Soon To Be A Mommy - posted on 12/25/2011 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I am 28 and my fiancee is 31 he has been previously married and has a child from his previous marriage, our problem is that we rarely have sex, we have been together almost 2 years and I honestly can say we have had sex maybe 20 times if that. He says its not my body, he says its not the act of sex, he has ED and says that his depression meds causes this but when we first got together we had sex like 2-3 times a week. I am now coming to the point of trying to figure out if I want to stay, can a sexless marriage work? I am not a overly sexual person I would be okay for 1 time a week or even 2 times a month I just want to feel love. I desperatly want a baby and he is perfect for me and an amazing man he's got the entire package other than the sex... what should I do???

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Ann - posted on 12/21/2012

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Think long and hard about the commitment you are about to enter into because it will be yours for the next fifty years. Is this something you can live with?

You're 28 years old; you've invested 2 years in this relationship that has a major problem before the I do. Don't allow your "desperately" wanting a baby to cloud your thinking, because the reality is going to be colder. ED is a convenient excuse for not wanting to have sex. You love him and will continue to love him, but I think you already know what you want to do. That little whisper you've been hearing has given you the answer.

Don't feel guilty and don't waste the pretty; at your age life should be about fun.

Sarah - posted on 12/25/2011

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If you love him and are committed then it can work. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have just recently ( about 1 year) hit a dry patch. We have two small children and work opposite schedules. It is hard but you can get through it.

Ann - posted on 12/21/2012

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Sifler's mom How about you try this...How about you pamper your husband. Let him know before you get started that you haven't any expectation of sex. You just want to take care of him, because it makes you feel good.

Draw him a bath and bathe him, "love" him, wink wink, once he has showered, give him the full spa treatment. Then, cuddle up in bed with him and go to sleep. He may surprise you in the middle of the night, because he hasn't been pressured to perform. Sometimes you've got to give them the love you want for yourself, to show them how it is done. Some men need guidance and non-verbal instruction.

And be quiet, too much talking could be a turnoff. Concentrate on loving him and letting him know just how much you appreciate him beyond the sex. He's your baby and you just want to pamper your baby.These big guys eat it up. You're going to make him smile throughout the next day and his buddies are going to tease the life out of him.

Kristin - posted on 03/18/2012

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I am shaking my head at this post. Can a sexless marriage work, you ask? One poster says if you love him, then sex shouldn't be an issue. I can't agree more.

When my husband and I got married in December 2006, we had an extremely active sex life. Then 2 years later, he was diagnosed with Stage IV Prostate cancer and underwent a radical prostatectomy. This means that he has absolutely no sexual function anymore. Our sex life was over. His therapy is Lupron, which is a shot every 3 months-this shot removes all the testosterone that might be lingering in his body.

Is our sexless marriage working? HELL, YES! My husband and I love each other so very much-yes, we miss having sexual relations, but our love remains strong and vital. Perhaps it might be because we're older-he's 62 and I'm 55; but no matter what our ages would be, I truly believe that one must make sacrifices in a relationship. I choose to look at it like this-my husband is still alive. If he doesn't feel desire when he holds me or kisses me, then so what? He's still breathing.

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Carolyn - posted on 04/02/2014

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Sorry I have to disagree. Sex is an important part of a relationship. If he's not meeting your needs with intercourse there are other ways he can show you physical love. If he's not then you have your answer. If he truly loved you and cared about your needs he would be more giving.
Having been in a similar situation I can empathize. It will more than likely get worse. Get out now while you can. Sorry.

Shell - posted on 12/17/2012

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I like what Toni said. And it might help to plan a date night.... once a wk or every 2 whatever works for your schedule. We don't always go out... it can be done right at home and after the kids go to bed. We do nude massages for each other, or foot rubs and a movie or it could be a tv show that you both enjoy. And since I met my hubby I haven't needed my vibrators but HE REALLY likes to play with them. So it's a special treat to involve a vibrator into our bed sometimes. Maybe that would work? I'm not really familiar with the why's or how ED works... but maybe that stimulation would help? And can he or not take Viagra with the meds he is on?

And how long has he been on depression meds? Would now be a good time to maybe consider trying to wean off of them if the circumstances of his life have changed maybe he isn't depressed anymore????

Mary - posted on 12/16/2012

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If your relationship is otherwise intermate, cuddles, kissing and touching you will find a balance that works for you both. If there are none of the other physical contacts the chances are it won't last all love needs to be shown because if it isn't you just become two people sharing a house. I would suggest you see a doctor and find out why you both have a low sex drive, it may be natural, who knows, if that the case you sound like you suit each other.

Patricia - posted on 12/13/2012

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yes he needs to go to the doctor to see what they can do for him and you!

Toni - posted on 12/13/2012

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ED is such an easy problem to fix.
Get him in to a doctor and get him to talk about it.
Sometimes the ED can be caused by non medical problems. Is he stressed? Alot of the time, non medical ED is caused by underlying stress.
My husband and I had a long period of almost no sex. At the time my husband was having a few medical problems, and we were both very stressed. I think in a year and a half we had sex about 4 times. I got through by buying a good vibrator.

Patricia - posted on 12/13/2012

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Before you decide to give up think about how bad he must be feeling. What came first the depression or ED? I know when my Husband was on drugs for his depression he would have a hard time having sex. When he finally got off all those meds now he wants to do it like bunnies-ha. All the time.



Also might be good to go to some counseling. Does he want more kids?

Stifler's - posted on 03/19/2012

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I understand how you feel. My husband isn't that into sex (as much as he used to be) and I am a person who needs sex to feel loved. We kiss and cuddle etc. but I feel like it's not enough. He says that 5 times a day wouldn't be enough. We go through phases of having sex 3 times a week or every second day and then it's once a week. I am starting to realise that it's not him. Nagging and crying about it makes him hate sex more, it's become a chore. What's ED?

Deborah - posted on 01/27/2012

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You can be intimate without having intercourse. Cuddling, kissing, necking, massages, etc. are all other ways to show your physical attraction to another person. There are other ways to feel 'loved' in a relationship -- I felt loved because I woke up late for work last weekend, my fiance came in while I was running around getting ready. I asked him to start the car for me and he said "Already started, and I cleaned the snow off for you"



That made me feel loved. You need to look into other ways that you feel appreciated. Talk to him about your need to feel 'loved', and explore other options he is willing to participate in. There are all manner of toys to help the intimate part of a relationship. I know it isn't the same but sometimes that release is necessary for women, too. There is no shame in meeting a physical need like that.



As for a baby, does he want one? Have you talked to his doctor about getting any medication for ED? I know there are a few options out there for it now.



A sexless marriage can work. Think of all the married people who have incurable STDs like HIV or AIDS. If I fell in love with someone like that then I would explore other options of physical pleasure.



Try talking to him about fertilization treatments for you, or having a fertilized egg implanted if you want a child.



We live in a world where options are limitless, hon. Explore them. If he's an amazing man with the entire package, don't let him go.

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DO NOT GIVE UP! If he is a good Dad and the total package you have always wanted then why give up? My husband and i have been married for 5 1/2 yrs, we have 3 kids and we have sex maybe twice a month. I had some major issues with my last pregnancy and my husband was kind enough to go without sex for almost the full 9 months. Then I had major medical issues afterwards and therefore little to no sex even a yr later. Medical issues aren't anyones fault.

My Mother asked me a good question right before we got married. "If you can't have sex for whatever reason would your relationship still survive?" Your relationship should hinge on sex or rather or not you can have a baby. Does he want another child? If so look into other options and have sex when you can. Also has he talked to his dr about things to help with the ED? Good luck, I wish you the best in a hard time.

Joy - posted on 12/28/2011

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ED is not only hard on the man, it is hard on the woman who loves him. But it is possible to make it all work out.

Have you expressed to him how you feel about wanting another child? If his ED is getting in the way, there are medical alternatives that can help.

And to feel loved, you don't have to have sex. There are all sorts of things you can do to feel loved. Granted, my husband and I have sex more often, I think it is like once every two weeks because of the new baby and our six year old, but I used to get frustrated with lack of sex. Now, I know how to feel loved. We spend time together. We cuddle in bed while watching TV. We talk about how we feel. He gives me a kiss when he leaves for work and gives me a kiss before we go to sleep. A touch even helps to make me feel loved. Think about that.

Also, as much as sex is better, if you love him and want to stay, there are ways to, lets just say take care of yourself. There is no shame in that. I know a lot of married couples that have a sexless relationship due to ED but they are still committed to each other and make each other happy in some way. When you feel that you aren't loved, just think of all the reasons why you married him and how that makes you feel. I hope this helps.

Brittany - posted on 12/28/2011

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Me and my fiance were together 2 yrs before anything sexual. To us sex does not define the relationship. Some people are all about sex and think if they dont get it they arent loved. As long as we have fun and have eachother we are happy. we have a 10 month old son together. I would say try something romantic. Massage, candles nice dinner. If you have a great relationship otherwise I believe your fine. Its probably harder for him when hes been in previous relationship(s). Maybe he doesnt want to mess up like he did or IF he did in previous relationships. Talk to him.

Marty - posted on 12/27/2011

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Communication is key. Although reaching out for help here was a good idea, you're best bet would be to approach him with your feelings. If his meds are causing him to do this, then perhaps different meds could work. There's also couples therapy, and as someone previously mentioned, alternate ways to pleasure each other and feel the love without actually going out and having sex. Its gonna sound weird but hear this out... have you ever tried maybe just helping each other masturbate? Have him watch you, or you watch him?...Maybe there's a spark that needs to be rekindled and you need to surprise him with a new approach, some toys, or sexy langeray (sorry for the spellig)...
I understand its the connection you want. So find ways to connect :) Or get to the real root of the problem and talk about it.

Kelina - posted on 12/26/2011

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there are other ways of, no nice way to say this, pleasuring eachother is he willing to even try that with you? What about meds to deal with the ED is that an option for him? Has he talked to his doctor about it? Have you guys talked about kids? Does he want more? Do you know when you'd like to start trying? Does he agree? A sexless ,arriage can work, a loveless one can't. It sounds like you're not feeling particularly loved could it be because you don't feel like he's putting in the effort to try to make you feel that way? and if so will he do anything about it?

[deleted account]

i know its frustrating that u go months without sex.. I've been there.. My husband job make him work bunch of hours and when he get home from work he is so tired, he doesn't want sex. U need to talk to ur hubby and see what u guys can work things out, if ui guys can't work it out then its time to leave..

Stepmom Soon To Be A Mommy - posted on 12/26/2011

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I know that he isn't cheating on me and I know that it is medical but its just very hard we go months with out it and its just difficult some times

[deleted account]

sexless relationship can survive if u guys love each other. Ask him if he still love you. Maybe he is seeing someone. Probably he might be scared because he doesn't want anymore kids.

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