Going CRAZY!!

Karen - posted on 06/03/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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So im 19 turning 20. I just had my first child in march and she is the light of my life! I am with her father still. He is the most amazing father might i add... The only problem is that we are still in his parents house. We are trying to get out and have been its just hard to find somewhere that will accept our bad credit. Anyways.. I didnt have a problem with his mother before I had my daughter but now all the sudden I can not stand her. From the second we brought her home I felt crowded and like I couldnt breathe with my daughter. I still dont even feel like I am holding MY daughter instead I feel like I am holding the new family toy that everyone else wants to play with too. I feel obligated to hand my daughter over to them when the give me guilt trips and puppy dog eyes. It just seems to me that I am getting ripped off of my first time mom experience. I have had no time to just be a new mom and be with my new family. It really sucks. The worst thing is that I feel like I cant talk to his mother about it because she lets us live here rent free and does so much for us. And I do appreciate everything that she does its just I cant take anymore! any advice? Am I just being ridiculous or what? Or do I have a right to feel this way.

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Christina - posted on 06/03/2010

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I agree with Rebecca. I also live with my inlaws, but at the time my daughter was born they were 'my boyfriends parents'. They were excited when we told them I was pregnant, even tho my hubby was terrified to tell them. They only had one child and always wanted to have a little girl. Well, I had the little girl. After we were able to bring her home, his mother was always wanting to hold her and cuddle with her and feed her. I was bottle and breast feeding my daughter, long story. She even came downstairs once while I was breast feeding her and began to push the blanket back so she could see the baby. I was so creeped out cuz I told her twice I was feeding her and she completely spaced on what I'd said.

After that, I put my foot down and had a talk with my hubby. I told him I didn't want her to be so overbearing and in on every little thing having to do with my daughter. Well, he taked to her about it, which didn't really help cuz somehow words and tones got twisted and she thought I was mad and didn't want her to have anything to do with her own grandchild. I had to sit down with her and explain how I felt. I wanted to be able to spend time with my little girl uninterrupted. I told her I wouldn't keep them from spending time with their one and only granddaughter, but I wanted to be able to take care of her rather than them taking over everything. The first two weeks after she came home I didn't even get to give her a bath! They were that involved. They decided when to introduce new foods and what to feed her, when to feed her, when to give her milk, all kinds of stuff. It pissed me off so bad.

After I put my foot down and got a little control over things, it was a little more peaceful, and I felt more at peace finally being able to spend time with my daughter the way I wanted to. What I suggest to you is write your bfs mom a letter. Explain to her that you appreciate her help, but you don't need as much as what she's giving. Tell her that you want to be able to spend some uninterrupted, quality time with your daughter, even if it's just a couple hours each day. That might sound like a lot, but when you think about it, two hours in a sixteen hour day isn't very much. Let her know you're not trying to run her out of your daughters life, you just wanta little quality time with your brand new family: you, your man, and your baby. If she has a problem with that, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

If you're nervous about talking to her, talk to your bf and explain things to him. He needs to be on your side and understand how you feel. Let me know how it goes!

Rebecca - posted on 06/03/2010

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You are not being ridiculous at all! Being a mum is a wonderful, personal experience that unfortunately gets taken over sometimes by others that think they know better! Every baby is different and YOU need to have the time and space to learn what works best for YOUR baby!

You need to put your foot down but in a nice way. Tell her that you really appreciate all the things she does for your family but you are feeling very crowded. Tell her that her advise is appreciated but she has had her chance to be a parent and now its your turn to do things your way even if she doesn't like it.

Set your own routine and rules and make sure everyone knows they can't just disrupt your daughter all the time because they want to play or have cuddles. This is your time to learn and be a mum & i'm sure if you let them know that its hurting your feelings to have your daughter taken over all the time that they will understand. Goodluck!

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Beth - posted on 06/04/2010

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All I can say is sit back and enjoy every bit of it. You will have plenty of time for the first of things. The first date, the first kiss, the first wedding, boyfriends, and the first heartbreaks. Yes, it's hard when it's the first baby in the family.Trust me I have three babies and my son (the oldest one) was the first grandchild and the first great grandchild. I felt the same way, but the more I sat back and watched the more I realized I can't get mad, cause I have the precious child for my entire life. Some of the people in my family wouldn't be around that much longer. They are getting older and it's been a while since they have been around a child. Just tell your boyfriend that you want some a lone time with your child and just tell his mother that your are not trying to be rude or mean, you just want to spend some quality time with your daughter while you have a chance. She won't get mad. Just be easy with the conversation. Good Luck to you.

Karen - posted on 06/04/2010

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Wow Christina G. Sounds like the same exact story as mine lol. My fiance's mom only had two kids and both were boys. there hasnt been any girls in this whole family at all since she was born haha. Yeah so when I had the first girl of this family everyone was really excited.. but i feel like she is overly excited. Like Angie is almost 3 months old and grandma's excitement still hasnt worn down at all. Thats all cool that she is so excited about her granddaughter and everything but she just takes it to extremes. Like me her and her other daughter in law went out to lunch and the whole way there she was bragging to the other daughter in law about my daughter and I couldnt even get a word in. I felt like I should have been the one to tell all the exciting stuff about my daughter but she took that away from me. And she asked me if i wanted to go shopping with her because she was going to get my daughter an extra crib sheet set because "its always good to have extra" but I told her that I didnt think that she needed an extra and I would rather her save her money because she doesnt have that much in the first place. Then she brought it up again a different time this time she just said to me... what kind of sheets would you want for her... like what color? and i told her i would have to look and left. But that pisses me off because I want to be the one to buy my daughter that stuff. thats all the excitement is dressing them and decorating her room. I dont know she just really gets under my skin with everything that she does now and I am beginning to think that the only way to fix the problem will be moving out... i am countin the days til that happens. Because she is tooo intrusive and overbearing. When i dont let her hold her for the whole day she goes in and cries to her husband and he comes out and nonchalantly says something like... oh she really does love her granddaughter ya know? and its like wow thanks for the guilt trip!!! gahhhhh thats what i have to go through every day!!!!!!! vent session over lol

Karen - posted on 06/04/2010

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Yeah I have talked to my fiance about it but half the time he gets really defensive like im attacking his mother and half the time he understands. He is on my side but he says I have to talk to her about it but I dont feel it is my place... especially not with her because she is childish and the queen of holding grudges. She will never be mad at her own son for to long but she sure would hold one hell of a grudge against me. But we found an apartment we are going to get into we are just waiting for an opening. But it seems like it just wont get better at all even if something is said. She thinks that she does no wrong.

Laressa - posted on 06/03/2010

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Hey I sure kno what you mean. My hubby's sister moved in with us when Laurie was 6 weeks old. She came to take my place in our home-based business office. So she was here 24/7. That was very stressful giving up my job etc, etc. Laurie is 9 months old and I'm doing much better at coming to terms with it. It did help that she moved out and so we have evenings to ourselves. I'd really recommend a time thats just for your new family. Having a baby already changes the relationship so much. Make sure you as a couple and you as a mom have time even an hour or two--more if you can-- that is just for you and baby. One good thing we have is the advantage of built in baby sitters when you need time for yourself. Many moms struggle to find such time.

Brittany - posted on 06/03/2010

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i felt the same way for a long time. But what I relized is that when i talked to MY mom she was understanding and she has backed off quite a bit and lets me do all the mothering. I am in the same situation excpet i live at home with my mom and the father and i are not still together. So i guess were i'm going is just try talking to her it might help.

Lauren - posted on 06/03/2010

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You totally have a right to feel this way. I was 19 when i got pregnant and 20 when i had my daughter. I live with my boyfriend/her father, so I'm sure I'm not frustrated with it to the extent that you are...but anytime we take her ANYWHERE I feel like I don't even get to see her. It's like a constant game off "pass the baby". I only get her when she needs to eat because I breastfeed so no family member or friend can really help with that one...but otherwise I'll go hours without seeing her when visiting families.

The best advice I can give is that it will get better when you move in together, because even though the family outings still may be stressful, at least you get to come home and have your little one all to yourself. We had bad (or little) credit too, but we found that 2-floor apartments were more lenient because they were privately owned. We now live on the bottom floor of a 2 floor apartment and its great!

Good luck :)

Christina - posted on 06/03/2010

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She sounds like "Everyone Loves Raymond's" mother....someone that has to be in control. I feel sorry that you have to go through that and she's always breathing down your shoulder telling what and what not to do. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? Or would that just add more fuel to the fire? I don't know where you live, but have you tried Craig's List, the Classifieds, or Income based housing? Craig's and classified have private land lords who do not need credit checks. Income based housing does not do credit checks(just don't have any outstanding student loans you are behind on) I hope that helps......I know it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but somehow one always shows up!

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