Lauren - posted on 06/17/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )
For the first time in over a year, I am being totally honest with myself and my feelings; I am not happy. I have reached a point where I feel like I've given all I can to my relationship with Ben, only to see things stay exactly the same. I have been so caught up in the early memories of when we first fell in love, and keep telling myself that we'll get back to that point again. But the truth is, I don't think it's going to happen. The only reasoning I can give it is that this is who Ben really is, and who am I to try and change him? He is so passionate about anything and everything he does, especially work. And that's a great quality to have and I know he'll be successful in anything he applies himself to. The only problem is that he has never applied even half of this passion to his family or relationship with me. Throughout the course of our 18 month relationship, I have learned how selfish he can be; the example I always use is that if he were to cut a dessert in half for the two of us to share, he automatically gives himself the bigger half. Minor? Yes. But this selfishness is applied to nearly everything we do during the day. And his attitude makes it impossible to have a rational conversation with him.
I've reached my breaking point. I've talked to him upwards of a thousand times about my troubles, and it really hurts me to see no change. I couldn't imagine Ben coming to me with a problem, crying, and have no sympathy or willingness to change certain things to make it better. The more time I spend laughing with friends and family, the more I realize just how unhappy I am in my relationship. I can't remember the last time Ben and I laughed together. He is so wrapped up in work that important things to me, such as marriage, don't even cross his mind. But this is all making me realize that this really is just who he is, and because of that, I know there are little changes that can be made.
I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, and 95% of that is because of Lyla. My parents were divorced and I hated all the drama of splitting holidays and birthdays, so because of this I feel like it's important to do everything I canto make things work between us. But ultimately, this means putting my happiness aside. So the plan for now is to stay with my mom for a couple of weeks so I can think things through with a clear mind, instead of waking up aggrivated every morning because I was up all night with the baby with no help.I also plan to seek help from a therapist, in hopes to find new ways to deal with our problems, or to find the strength to leave.
Simply put, I am not getting what I need from this relationship, and his work obsession and selfishness has become too much to handle. Even though we have a child, I think I deserve to be happy too. And I really just have nothing left to give.
I am scared to do it alone, and would love support and shared stories about those moms out there who are indeed a single mom.