He cheated on me! How do I get over it?

Jessica - posted on 06/04/2011 ( 96 moms have responded )

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My husband & I have been married for 2 months & we have a beautiful 9 month old son. Our relationship was going ok since we got together 3 years ago. I have never caught him in a lie or suspected him of cheating.



Yesterday I went on Facebook & he had left himself logged in. I saw the end of a conversation he had with a woman that morning. He said "Have a good day doll". He used to call me a doll for maybe the 1st few months of our relationship. I felt sickened by it & decided to snoop his messages. I feel guilty & wish I didn't. He & this woman had been messaging back & forth for the last week & in his last message he asked her for dirty pictures.



I confronted him about the "doll" remark & he said they were just friends from long ago, didn't mean anything. I asked him if he had anything to tell me & he replied no. I asked him if he was up to no good & he denied it. Finally after giving him 3 opportunities to tell me what was going on I admitted that I read the messages.



He claims he was frustrated because we had been arguing the last couple weeks, mostly about his lack of helping around the house & getting things done. He apologized a million times & denies any past cheating or that he had slept with this woman. She lives hours away & I doubt it would have been easy for them to.



I am beyond disgusted & feel sick & heart-broken. I believe that he hadn't slept with someone else, but I still consider this a form of cheating. I can barely look at him. I'm not sure what to do or how to get over it. Please I need help with this & don't feel comfortable telling anyone I know personally. I feel too embarrassed.

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Tinker1987 - posted on 06/04/2011

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i would feel pretty hurt if i were you,especially if he was turning to this behavior over a little bit of arguments over hously chores, what would he do next if you had a argument over a bigger issue? his behavior is uncalled for. if it were my bf,i wouldnt even want him on fb anymore and would make him lose all contact with that woman.

Jennifer - posted on 06/08/2011

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Love I am sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. There is really nothing anyone can say to make you feel any better. It all boils down to how you want to handle it. I dont think that him being stressed or agravated about arguments between you guys can justify his disrespectful behavior...I mean honestly speaking Im sure he would not consider that a good enough excuse for you to talk to other men in that fashion. My advice to you is to put as much money away as possible at least 1 to 2 months worth of bills and a lil extra for emergency money in an account that only you have access to just in case his "stress" gets any worse and you find yourself not wanting to continue in the relationship. As a woman and a mother you always have to be at least 3 steps ahead...Just continue to monitor any unusual behavior, like paranoia about cell phone, face book or emails. Do not drive yourself crazy by thinking about it to much...Because it will ultimately make you resent him regardless of him cheating or not...Take care of yourself, do what you can to bring back that sexy spark back in to the relationship and see where it goes. I hope you find yourself better....

Vicki - posted on 06/06/2011

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PS: Now I will get out of this "young mom's" community and leave you young ladies to it....If you feel the need to ask an old lady who has lived life and been around the block quite a few times, got five grown kids, one grandchild and loads of experience, any questions, feel free. God bless you ladies. My heart goes out to you.

Vicki - posted on 06/06/2011

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Ladies, I only joined this community so I could post here. I am 50 yrs old and have lived with cheaters. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and married into one and continued in that lifestyle. You have a child to consider otherwise, I would tell you to walk away from that dirtbag. He not only is cheating, he's LYING. You cannot trust him and without trust you have nothing. Do you understand me ladies? NOTHING. Without trust, there is nothing in a relationship. I have lived probably twice as long as most of you and I have LIVED this one. First, seek wise counsel. When I say "wise counsel", I mean marriage counseling. IF YOU HAVE SEPARATE BANK ACCOUNTS, my first question is why? What is he hiding? And next, make him pay for the marriage counseling. No, that isn't being funny, that is being serious. I would say castrate him, but I don't find this humorous in the least. It angers me that men think they can have these cheat sessions on line (or offline) and it's ok.

Also, you are telling yourself that she "lives hours away". He told you this? And you believe him why? He's lied to you about everything else, why believe him about this. I am being rough because someone has to be. Wake up. He's playing you and you have not only yourself to think about but also a baby. You are broken hearted because you are a good person who deserves better. You need to learn to make better choices for yourself and your baby. Why are YOU embarrassed? YOU didn't do anything wrong. He is the louse, not you! Pick yourself up, hold your head up high and let him know from here on he EARNS respect and trust, it is not GIVEN. Start the marriage counseling. There may be things in the marriage that need work. Sounds to me that you are willing to work on things. Doesn't sound to me that he is working on anything but online dating profiles tho. So before it gets out of hand, put your foot down. If he wants this relationship to work and this family to stay together, then be strong and assertive and lead the way. I hate to say it that way. Typically the man is the "strong" one. But obviously he has issues in this regard. Do not let him turn this around on you though. He has NO EXCUSE for stepping out on the marriage. Hang in there Girl! Be strong. And if all else DOES fail, get out the flaying knife and give it a whirl (just kidding,....sort of!).

Chontel - posted on 06/06/2011

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My husband used to be very similar to yours in his behavior. He will be the first to say that it was because of his selfishness, immaturity and not wanting to grow up. At times he said he did want to be the man I needed, but then would get into self pity and resentment and only think of himself and how hard everything was for him. his attitude was self focused and then... when i would try to talk to him about needing his help more or not appreciating his addiction to video games he would always find a way to get me to feel for him, or he'd change for a couple of days and then revert back. It is a strong hold for some guys and honestly the most loving thing you can do is to challenge his behavior. If u take it easy on him it will enable him to stay lazy and selfish. Either he will come around and relies that his priorities are off and see that when he does his part you naturally respond warmly.. or he will make excuses and decide to stay selfish. I am so sorry you are going thru this. i know it is painful. Him being defensive, covering up, minimizing, invalidating you and blame shifting are all signs that you are right. he is up to no good. trust your intuition and dont let him make u feel like ur crazy, being insecure or just too needy. its not the truth. what he did was very inappropriate to say the least and he needs to be the one to block this girl or merge your guys face book to give u some security and healing./ it is not snooping, your not being controlling, he is way out of bounds even talking to another girl and getting his needs met else where, either sexually or just emotionally. i know a good program that helped restore my marriage if your interested. i have learned how i deserve to be treated and seen just how much of a enabler i was. i love my husband and i am not mean by any means but i wont stay in a marriage that is going to teach my baby boy to treat a woman like this when he grows up, or my daughter to pick a man like this. because our kids will become and or choose ppl just like their dad's and they would be better off having a good role model instead of a selfish, lazy cheating man. Good luck and big hugs!

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Leah - posted on 05/02/2012

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what happened, what did you do in the end.

Did everything work out? you still trying to work at things ... or is it over? how did you cope?

Marcie - posted on 01/01/2012

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Well he was very wrong for what he had done and the is not any excuse for it but now that it is all out in the open now you both can try and work at trust again.I know things like this can be hard trust me I know and I am certain he feels like an ass(sorry for the language) but now he needs to work on him earning the trust back that is what it all comes down to really.You have to tell him though it aint gonna be easy and ect.If nothing gives then see a counsler.Hope it helps and good luck.

Shannon - posted on 12/27/2011

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Don't ever blame yourself!!!! So you told him that he needed to do something..so what! If you left dishes piled in the sink or the house dirty and he told you it needed to be cleaned would that be reason to start talking dirty to some random dude on facebook? No!
You can not spend the rest of your life afraaid to ask him to do something for the fear that he will "be driven" to do something stupid. What happens when the grass needs to be mowed?
I understand how you feel. There was a porn incident in my house twice (once while I was pregnant), and it made me completely crazy for months. I was even getting out of bed everytime he did to see what he was doing. when I found myself peeking under door cracks, ransacking the computer history, and scouring the cable bill I knew it was time to let it go or I was never going to get over it.
This is going to mess with you for a while. You will cycle between feeling like it is your fault, there is something wrong with you, and feeling like there is something wrong with him. You have to decide through all the conflicting emotion if you think the relationship is 1. strong enough to recover, 2. if you want the relationship to recover, 3. if you think he is genuine and there is nothing more and will be nothing more in the future, or if he is just the cheating dog type. You said he claims nothing physical actually happened but he also claimed nothing happened at least 3 times before he knew he was busted.
This is a tough one hon, and something only you can decide in the end.

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dont be surprised if he has a different account set up that you dont kow about. my ex did this but through craigslist. its why we got divorced. he was sending pics of him naked to posts of women who were looking for casual encounters it said on CL. he said because we were fighting and he wanted someone to talk to . BS. now this time around we are together after divorced for two yrs. i still remember that haunting day as it tore out every ounce of love and respect for him that i had and cherrished of him. i dont know if he actually met up with women as he would stay gone for a day or two at a time. im sick to still think of it. but this time around i caught him texting some girl and was ready to pack up our child and leave he was so sorry he said. but i told him to get rid of facebook, take the internet off his phone as he has a bad addiciton to this sort of thing and i dont trust him as it ruined our marriage. then a few weeks ago, found him on fb on his phone while he was outside smoking a cigarette. now i have to be snooping and looking around for things constantly. im a worried mess all the time. but i found that night when we were married he was doing the craigslist emails on an account i never knew he had set up. your husband wants to see dirty pictures of a girl and the adreniline of sneaking around on you, he will email her some other way or set up a fb account ot look her up. hes immature sounds to me.

Dawson - posted on 08/07/2011

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He is a man, and if he has never given you reason to doubt him before dont start now. The internet has made it easy to give into lust. Pictures are pictures.. and yes it hurts but look at it this way, if he wasn't looking at pictures of her, he would be watching some other girl in a porno,or even worse going to strip clubs and spending money on those girls for lap dances and so forth

Granted you have every right to be upset, but if he treats you well, and is not physically cheating on you, tell him how you feel make sure he acknowledges your feelings, and you discuss this like adults. The last thing either of you need in insecurity that leads to accusations.. because lets keep in mind a man can only be accused of something so many times before he goes out and actually does what you are accusing him of.

Lauren - posted on 08/03/2011

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For starters, i am begining to dislike facebook ALOT lately.. there is so many girls on there, just ready to break up a happy home or destroy a relationship because they have nothing else better to do, you do not deserve to be treated like this from this guy, and its true if he has lied about this what else could he be keeping a secret, i would be feelin exactly the same, is there no one you could confide in with your close friends? dont feel embarrased you have done nothing wrong, you have given this guy a family and all your love and just for asking to help with chores, shouldnt mean he has to stray, you have either just got to follow your heart and if its meant to be, things will plan out with him, but he shouldnt of ever done anything like that, men have poor excuses... dont get yourself down hun, you deserve better, you just gota decide if you want this uncalled for drama in you and your childs life.. because neither of you deserve that.

Kayla - posted on 08/03/2011

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I too have had a similar experience with my ex boyfriend. We have a three year old daughter together. If he is a good man and has been good to you and your child then he deserve to be forgiven. Its just up to you if you can do that. Maybe try to spend extra time together to reconnect. Its seems crazy but being a family is important and so is saving your marriage. Try to remember why you married him and dont let this mistake defy him for you because I bet this is not really who he is. But first thing first, he needs to delete his facebook account for good. You should have rights to his phone, email, and anything else that you can look at to reassure that this is not still going on and it will help show you that he can be trusted again.

Rachael - posted on 08/03/2011

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Jessica,
I don't think that this is the same as physical cheating. It is a huge blow to a relationship all the same, but it is something that can be talked through and worked through easier than if he had gone outside the marriage. Did you ask him what made him ask for her pictures? (especially since you said she was not attractive.) One way to bridge the way to you being intimate with your husband again may be to have "pictures" taken of yourself. I think it is natural for a man (or woman even) to have the desire to look at pornography, but I too feel that having any kind of emotional relationship with the people you see naked crosses a huge line. I think counseling would do you worlds of good, but I know you said you are embarrassed. You should consider sending your husband to counseling first to talk through WHY this happened and how to prevent it in the future. You may want to join him in therapy for a few visits here and there as you are more ready. Good luck!

Terra - posted on 08/03/2011

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When my fiance and I first found out I was pregnant he cheated on me and he swears it was one time and he never talked to her again. I believe him because I know him personally. I trust him more than ever now. We have been together for almost 8 years now. Even God tells us to forgive. By that I mean forgive not forget. You will never forget it but if you let it overrule your relationship then you will never find happiness there and you might as well throw in the towel if you can't forgive!

Elena - posted on 08/03/2011

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Keep him close to you and have more initiative to spend more time together....this way, he will never have spare time to spend on FaceBook.....

Kim - posted on 08/03/2011

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Ok Charleen I am sorry if I offended or anything I just couldn't believe you would even think about going to such lengths hun. I am glad you are going to counseling and hope that it all works out for you.
Take Care
Kim x

Charleen - posted on 08/02/2011

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Kim that is what we are working on and I never said that she should stay or go I stated from my expirience and I understand what you are saying and no I dont feel hurt by it because we are going to still be together and we are going to go to counseling and I dont know if I had said it or not but since then and since I have been checking on my bad feelings nothing has been there. But before we were married and the night before we were he did cheat as far as I know and again he has not admitted it so I understand your feelings and that has been stated to me plenty of times by my family but I do understand

Kim - posted on 08/02/2011

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I can not believe what I have just read Charleen wouldn't you rather be happy than live like that and I am sorry but that all comes across a bit sleeping with the enemy. I think you should kick your' man to the kerb and shouldn't even advice people on relationships if you are living a total nightmare and lie like you are doing. Sorry if I am been blunt but it is true. If he cheats then kick him out, simple, no matter how much u love him. Surely you love urself and respect urself and ur child more than that. I am in shock what I have just read, all that tail light stuff, why live like that? Life is too bloody short!!!!

Kim - posted on 08/02/2011

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I can not believe what I have just read Charleen wouldn't you rather be happy than live like that and I am sorry but that all comes across a bit sleeping with the enemy. I think you should kick your' man to the kerb and shouldn't even advice people on relationships if you are living a total nightmare and lie like you are doing. Sorry if I am been blunt but it is true. If he cheats then kick him out, simple, no matter how much u love him. Surely you love urself and respect urself and ur child more than that. I am in shock what I have just read, all that tail light stuff, why live like that? Life is too bloody short!!!!

Charleen - posted on 07/28/2011

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sweety I have been married for 5 years and my husband before we were married had condoms in his pocket and my car said someone placed them there like me. He smelled like sex he told me 2 days in a row that he was at human resources for 6 hours while he went to his friends house where his friends sister made him breakfast all the while me and his newborn were at home. I know the night before we got married he had one last fling. I sstill decided to marry him now everything reminds me of him cheating I am constantly checking his phone have gps on it and then all his hours i will sit there and memorize when he clocks in and when he doesnt. I dont know if I will ever get over it but I have stopped talking about it to him because I know the truth. I dont know if I will ever forgive him for what he did and I think if you dont hold onto grudges like I tend to do then forgive him but keep an ear and eye out know his passwords know his finances know but dont tell. Know where he is know who his friends are and if you really want to be detective if you get that suspicious and he is goin out at night break his tail light one night while he is sleeping he probably wont see it and then make sure pick up the pieces to it so he wont run them over and follow him look for the broken tailight he wont notice hang back a bit and watch him if he goes a few nights in a row then on the last night when he parks and goes in go and knock on the door and bust him in the act. or message the lady on his facebook get her thing and message from his account this is his wife we have a child together if come and wreck my home you will pay for it karma will get you. and wait to see if she writes back more times than not she will block him or after you send it you can block her from it then change his number and give it to his family and friends that call or see him frequently but dont give it to him. He will not know it for awhile atleast and then if you have access to his cell records call the numbers but block yours see if he is and if you cant take it then file for divorce. Dont suffer like I have for 5 years. I hope this helps

Tina - posted on 07/28/2011

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i have dealt with this myself many times! I feel it is a form of cheating, although not physically. And him wanting to see her "dirty pics" is bad as well. How to get over it? I can't say because it has been years since the first time and I still get upset. I no longer talk about it however as bringing it up over and over doesn't do any good either. You have to just trust that he is done, esp since you said he blocked her. Part of me probably feels like it makes him feel good having another woman still think him attractive, desireable, sexy, whatever he is feeling while talking with an old flame. Imagine if an old boyfriend of yours was talking in a way that made you feel desired by someone else other than your hubby. It would make you feel good about yourself. Not saying that would make you want to go outside of your marriage however. I am only saying this because after going through this many times, I have come to understand my husbands reasons for this. Take comfort in the fact that he has not done anythign to betray your vows (physically) and he agrees he has done wrong to you and is willing to cut it off. I think so many men seek sex, be it virtual online sex, phone sex, porn, etc becasue they have a high sex drive and sexual desires that you may not be able to fulfil. i do not condone it but I truly think that is part of the reason. It is not right, and I am sure he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you but that could be part of his reason for doing what he did. I think many men need way more attn then what we think they do. Again, I am only saying my thoughts on my personal experience and hope that this gives you a little insight in another view of why maybe he is doing this. Hurtful as it may be, I am sure he loves you and never intended to hurt you by you having read this stuff.

Meliza - posted on 07/24/2011

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had the same experience as yours ill say much worst.the 3rd party was a co-worker and even i've found out all about it.my hubby said they're over period.But i didn't stop from there i confronted the mother of the girl and told her about her little bitchy daughter thing....and i never stop i told to all his buddies and relatives what he did...i was so longing for someone to talk to that time.till now im posting things on fb for the girl to view and cursing her for being a bitch and home wrecker!!1 be strong girl not only for you but for your kid.there's so many issues like that and it doesn't stop from there.be strong so if ever u'l meet something worst that this u are ready and prepared. be all day beautiful and someone to be love....dont self pity.show him what he's gonna loose and will be missing... go girl!!! don't be naive fight for your right and for your kid!!! i'll pray for you...

Honeybee - posted on 07/12/2011

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i'm in a similar position here. i'm 6 months pregnant and just this past Saturday, he left his phone n because of a message, it lit up revealing some texts from another woman. one message was saying "babes my period came, the pill worked, thank god". another was saying "i needed u lastnight" and others stating similar lovey dovey statements. i confronted him n he said she was a friend that lived abroad, but when i made note of tht the number was local he changed to she "used to" live abroad. he then accused me of searching his phone and continued to say tht they're just friends and she's married (he doesnt knw tht i read all their messages). i am so hurt, i told my mom and i really didnt want to because i knw she's going to hate him for this but i couldnt sleep and i couldnt keep it in. i do EVERYTHING for this guy, and to see tht he's out there cheating and nearly got this woman pregnant makes me sick. we're supposed to be getting married and moving in together and all this just makes me want to raise this child by myself. i wish i wasnt pregnant. it's been stress from the very beginning both emotionally and financially.

Jessica - posted on 07/12/2011

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My fiance now cheated on me a few years ago with my best friend. Now they did sleep together in more then one occasion. we i found out i was just like u i couldnt stop tinkin about it and i was so hurt in so many ways. I left my fiance who was my boyfriend back then and told my friend i couldnt be friends knowing that she could do that. It took two months for my emotions to settle down and to get over it. My fiance rang me one day and asked for us to meet. I drove the hour and a half to meet him for him to break down crying saying all these things of how sorry he was and how he missed me. It took him to break down and cry ( which i had never seen him do in 5 years at the time ) for me to relise he had stuffed up. Im not saying the trust is easy to gain back nut if u want to it does come back. We are now engaged and have a beautiful 18month old girl and another on the way now. Its hard but if u both love each other u can make it work :) i hope this helps u a bit.

Libby - posted on 06/14/2011

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Some thing like that happen to me my husband went out one night did come home for hour leaving me & our son was 10 months at the time at home by ourselves he come home really drunk I ask him the next day what he was think he told me he was drunk I found out a week later that he tryed to kiss another woman & didn't tell me which hurt more that he was deceitful he also had the girl on his Facebook & refused to delete her off there & still hang around her & that hurt really bad to. We are now seperated & he kept blaming me for not putting the trust back. The point I trying to make is if he can't put the trust back it won't work he needs to know how much it hurt you & how you feel what if it was you how would he feel.

Van - posted on 06/14/2011

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The fact of it is, it definitely is cheating. You've been together 3 years. You are saying that this is the first time he's ever done this. His reasoning is ridiculous. It doesn't matter that you nag him about finishing a project or making him walk to work. Everyone argues and nags about something in a relationship. Does that gives the partner any right to go and do something like that? As others have mentioned, you should try counseling. You shouldn't be embarrassed for what he has done. You don't have anything to do with his actions. All you should be thinking about is your baby and your future. Can you trust him enough for a happy life together?

Iza - posted on 06/13/2011

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to be frank it IS a form of cheating.. if you want to continue your marriage it has to be agreed on both parties that you both will work on it.. some good friends of mine had gone through almost the same thing.. he had slept with several women in his wife's absence, while she was pregnant, and only when he asked her to come be with him, overseas and away from everyone she knew, that he told her.. she felt the same way you do.. i guess it was a good thing she and i were just getting to know each other since she wanted to talk to someone who didn't know them together.. if you are in any way religious i would suggest talking to a counselor, pastor, or someone of that authority.. maybe they could provide guidance.. but if staying together is what you want then you need someone to help you both figure out your relationship.. it is changed now that he did what he did.. there's nothing you can do about it.. but moving beyond that will be a lot of work.. it will hurt and it will be hard, but if you both love each other and want to stay together you will both come away stronger.. whatever the outcome, it will be for the best..

Jessica - posted on 06/13/2011

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wow, thats hurtful. Dont ever think this was something you did that made him do that...he just can not admit that he is wrong and apparently he doesnt get that. I would say you really should not hide it from other people. Not that you want to blurt it out, but you should not be embarrassed..it is not you its him that is the issue here. I had a issue with my husband and I confronted his family about it. His mother mostly and he really got the picture that it was the last straw. That if he was going to behave that way I would not stand by and allow it. What I came to realize the only person you can control is yourself. So you can not make a person think or behave a certain way. But you can control what you do in the situation. Maybe decide to leave for a few days to get your point across that it will not be accepted and you will find out. You really need someone to confide in. I seriously dealt with an issue by myself for 5 years and as soon as I confided in people that we both loved it helped out a ton. Maybe write down your feeling and read them to him. It might let him really see how you feel. Dont let him interrupt and maybe he can do the same with his thoughts. Then you guys would really have time to think about what you want to say. Maybe clearly tell him what you want in a marriage, what you deserve and how you want to be treated. Marriage is not something I would give up on, but cheating is a last straw for me. I hope you work it out.

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I found a simular message on FB one time between my husband a girl I KNEW, and in one message it said they met up on her lunch break!!! We almost broke up...he he ended up removing his FB and he apologized etc...It still bothers me that I will never know the whole story...follow your heart.

Bec - posted on 06/13/2011

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u need to think - do i still love this man and do i want to be with him? if the answer is yes, then u need to let it go. sounds like he was feeling really down/sexually frustrated and felt like he couldn't talk to you about it. how do u guys communicate? can he talk to u about when he isn't feeling happy in the relationship without getting in trouble? he needs to know that it's ok to talk to u about anything, so u can fix things together. personally, i've cheated on my partner in the past and he's forgiven me. now we're very open if we feel the relationship isn't going well at any point and we're open about what we feel isn't working and how we can fix it. communication is key - if u love him and he loves u then there's nothing else to it. so long as you're both willing to be open and honest about EVERYTHING in your relationship and it may even become stronger than before.

Seinati - posted on 06/12/2011

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Your still newly weds & ohhh sooOo early for dramas. I know your hurt, he needs to stop lying & be up front with you. The more he lies about the most smallest thing, it'll make you even more curious. You guys will work it out. He needs to treat you with respect - arguing with you doesn't open up another door to start chatting to another *&^%%* !
You'll feel it in your heart which path to take. Is he even mature enough to be your MAN ? & your poor child ! Ok, talk it over with him, let him know how you feel but don't ever be his door mat.... GOOD LUCK :)

Italia - posted on 06/10/2011

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I'm happy you guys were able to work this out. He is doing his part now do yours "don't bring this up again to him put it behind you"

Jes - posted on 06/10/2011

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good luck, I wouldn't be as forgiving. Guys will do what they believe they need to do to get on your good side until they get comfortable again. You need to keep on him and don't let your guard down.

Jes - posted on 06/10/2011

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but not everyone will have the same luck. love has to be 2 sided, regardless of how much you may love him. they need to love and respect as much as they receive it.

Jessica - posted on 06/09/2011

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Hi Ladies!
It's now been 6 days since I discovered the messages & confronted him. Since then he's deleted ALL the porn on his computer & doesn't intend on looking at any online. He deleted tons of women whom he hasn't seen/spoke to off his facebook. I know his passwords or FB & hotmail. We had lots of discussion & he knows what he did was wrong & knows how close he came to almost losing everything.
He's barely ever in his "man cave" anymore & helping lots more around the house & with our baby. He learned he actually likes doing housework! So now after 10 months of having baby I can finally relax.
He knows this is his LAST chance!
I know it'll take time to trust him again, but I truly believe he knows what he did was extremely dumb.

Katie - posted on 06/08/2011

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My husband actually did cheat on me. Right before our one year anniversary, and while I was taking fertility drugs to get pregnant with our first child. (I was actually more than likely pregnant at the time that it happened) I had a habit of looking through his stuff every so often because I knew he had once had a problem with voyeurism, as in sending pictures of himself to other people. I had gone out of town for the weekend, and he was acting really strange when I got back. Long story short, I found out, he admitted to it, and I decided that I was going to try to make it work. Let me tell you... it is HARD. We just celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary, and I am just now really getting over it. I don't think about it constantly, and I guess I have forgiven him. But I will tell you this, I still get nervous if I go out of town without him or if he goes anywhere other than work without me. I don't believe that he would do it again.. He doesn't want to risk losing us (me and my son) or our new son that is due any week now. The only way that we have been able to work it out, is that he was willing to do things my way. He gave me the space that I needed to work things out and he kept away from the things that I asked him to. If you want things to work out, you will have to make sure that you are willing to go at it for a while. Good luck with everything.

Celeste - posted on 06/08/2011

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This reminds me of myself.. Best advice I can give you is seek professional counciling stat! If you want to save your marriage and make things work.. I did not do that with my husband and he ended up cheating again and again. Now he is HIV positive and we are getting divorced... They can deny it but, what if you ended up with something because of him? You have to think that this is not about the two of you anymore.. There is a child involved too. I am sooooo sorry this is happening. I too was embarrassed and hid everything. Don't be.. It will be okay. Don't let him fool you that it was only talking..Cheating is cheating and it will continue..at what cost to you?? Be careful and good luck!

Jessica - posted on 06/08/2011

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Once a cheater, always a cheater. It simply depends on what you are willing to put up with. My husband has done the cyber cheat thing since before we were married. I put up with it, much like I put up with his bag of... dirty magazines. The line I drew was when he brought home a "gift" he didn't tell me he had... from some affair that went beyond messages and e mails. That was not even what is ending our marriage (I do not want to talk about those things though). My husband also blamed such arguments for this... along with his lack of a job being stressful (actually this was is go to excuse). We have two kids, a dog, two cats, and a wife (a country song backwards XD). He knew what he was doing and what he was giving up, yet he still did it. His loss. My husband gave me the passwords to one of his accounts, and SAID he left a second on the desk. he also had TWO more accounts JUST FOR THIS purpose (cheating)... of which he denied having until I told him he left his email open and I looked into what he was doing and also found his fourth account. Then when I asked why he went to his second favorite answer "I don't know". My husband systematically broke EVERY vow we made when we got married. I can honestly say, you sound as optomistic about change as I did while I was pregnant and SUPPOSED to be on bed-rest, but was taking care of our oldest instead while he lazed and played all day... so yeah. I am ending it while the kids are too young to realize that he is horrible, and can recover quickly from such a change. I know it sounds bad... but hindsight is 20 - 20. I look back and think "omg that seems worse than it did at the time" and it does. just do what is neccsessary as far as the kids are concerned. remember. if its good for the kids AND you, then its the best for the kids, because they are VERY perceptive.

Amy - posted on 06/08/2011

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I'd be gutted if this hapenned to me so I can imagine how you feel. I think its healthy for you to both share all of your passwords and phones anyway so maybe thats a step forward for you.

I agree that counselling sounds like a good idea but its awfully expensive. Perhaps you need to just sit down and get everything out there.

Unfortunately, if you still don't believe him or trust him then the relationship is doomed because you'll be worrying all the time and he'll get frustrated with you constantly asking questions.

Good luck & remember that he didn't actually do anything with the woman, everyone makes mistakes :)

Nicola - posted on 06/08/2011

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I know how it feels due to finding a txt on my partners phone and done exactly the same and read on only to uncover further flirtatious messages , we have a five year old daughter and have been together eight years ! The emotions that you feel are awful - he too has apologised a million times over but I don't think I can forgive him .

Sara - posted on 06/08/2011

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Not a good start for your marriage at all! Highly disrespectful. Good luck with whatever action you decide to take.

Jessica - posted on 06/07/2011

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Agreed with Elizabeth. I've been in your shoes and trust me you will never get over it. I know I'm going to leave him soon i'm just waiting till Im done with school. Best of luck

Christina - posted on 06/07/2011

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You definitely need marriage counceling. For you both to heal and get over this, you need to get to the root of the problem. If you don't know why he did it, you will never be able to trust him. And even more important, if you don't know why he did it, you don't know if you SHOULD trust him. If he has and underlying reason, like feeling like a failure as a husband, not feeling good enough, not feeling like you are attracted to him or want him sexually any more, then he might have done it online knowing there was no way it could go further than pictures and messages.

Elisabeth - posted on 06/07/2011

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my boyfriend has done the same to me. i cosider this emotional cheating. i wish my boyfriend had slept with the women he 'cheated' on me with, rather then dirty text them. it hurts alot more to see that your guy is connecting withh another person.
my boyfriend gave me the same excuse "we were fighting". he has cheated over twenty times that i know of. and personal the only reason i am still here is because we have a beautiful daughter together. i still love him too.
but i will tell you. you will NEVER get over this. You will NEVER fully trust him. and if you are a strong woman and are willing to live with that doubt everyday then stay. but also know this, it will cause yall to fight bc if you question him he will gt sick of it and make you look like the bad guy, and more then likely yalls kid will be around and see it. (im telling you from personal experince). you have to think tho, if you stay yall will fight and your kid see it...your kid will grow up thinking thats ok for a man to do and that the woman will stay. you know?
but if you know you are not strong enough to live with daily doubt, then you need to get out now while your kid is still young and it wont be such a shock to the baby. you know.
i will give you my personal email and you can email me. i have been through this for three years. and if i could go back and tell my self to leave, i would run and run fast. my email ecoleman0013@kctcs.edu please email me if you need ot talk more and more personal. i only want to help...bc i know the pain.

Cassie - posted on 06/07/2011

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i no everyone is different but right now i think i no exactly how you are feeling as i am going through exactly the same thing as you the only difference is im a few months ahead of you. me and my husband have been married for 2 years and have 3 children, the same as you i thought we were fine untill i saw the messages on fb. i was shocked felt sick and couldnt eat. the only thing that kept me breathing was my kids. i asked him to leave and regretted it straight away as he did exactly that. we split up for 3 months during which time i couldnt get any answers from him. eventually he decided that he was sorry and what he did was very wrong and that he couldnt live with out me. but my god it was the hardest 3 months of my life, even thinking about it now makes me feel sick. i would love to say to you that everything is brilliant now but we are getting there. i suffer from depression and with out trying to the blame on either of us we were both struggling with it, he didnt understand it and i wouldnt face up to my problems, but now he knows when i havent taken my tablets and if i am having a bad day he will sit down with me and we talk it through. he is my life and i have choosen to for give him this time and he nos there are no more chances. i still worry all the time and often have panic attacks about what he is doing even if he is only at work. i still wake in the night in cold sweats from nightmares of him cheating on me and the emails i read go over and over in my head. but marriages are never meant to be easy you have to work at them. what ever decision you come to has to be what you want no what other people tell you to do. i was also embarresed especially when it came to telling my family but my mum helped me through alot. people called him all the names under the sun and deep down i thought the same but i didnt want other people to feel bad about him. its a very hard thing to go through and something i never dreamt would happen to me but unfortunatly this is life. if you feel you want to talk to someone who is not personally involved please feel free to message me afterall it would be nice for me to talk to someone who knows how it feels to. i hope that you do find a way of sorting things through, i believe everyone deserves a second chance nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes although some worse than others. its easy to forgive its the forgetting thats hard but im willing to try i cant live my life wondering what if. good luck

Samantha - posted on 06/07/2011

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I have read a lot of these replys, and I've found some very good advice is being given. I've been in this situation. I'm actually still going through it. My husband has cheated on me several times. Though he insists nothing physical has happened, I still consider the naughty dirty "sexting" cheating. Its a very hard place to be, mentally and emotionally. If it were just me I would have been looong gone. I wouldnt have stuck through a deployment, or I found out he had cheated AFTER we were married. Lord knows if I had found out before I wouldnt have even said I do.But all that changes when you bring a child into the equation. I love him, deep down I know he's a good person, but he is terrible at this relationship. Most recently I found he had been responding to ads for sexual favors on craigsllist. I am beyond disgusted. Again, though, he says nothing physical happened it was all texting. My trust is shattered. I have no reason to believe a d*** word he says. Im still here because IF this is going to fail, IF things dont work out, I want to look my son in the eyes when he asks why mommy and daddy arent together and tell him honestly I did everything I possibly could. My advice to you then would be, therapy, definitely, and you could try these other people's suggestions. Ultimately, you have to do whats best for YOU and YOUR CHILD. If you feel the relationship is worth saving, then honey try to make it work, if you feel he's a dirty rotten liar and its hopeless, then take the next steps you need to, so that your child ends up in the best environment possible for them. Sometimes having a family together isn't whats best. Especially when mommy can't trust daddy, and it leads to arguing. I know I try not to fight around my son.. But if you think that with time and work you can heal and have your happy ending that every woman craves and so rightfully deserves, then fight for your love and give it all you've got. Hopefully he'll change and do the same...

Chelsa - posted on 06/07/2011

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Absolutely get counseling. I do not condone his actions regardless of how long you have been together, but so soon in the marriage is not a good sing. Arguing is not a valid reason to turn to someone else.

Even though he blocked her from FB, he'll be more careful about logging out in the future and will be more aware that you may go looking so he'll be more conscious of hiding anything if he does it again. Counseling NOW!

Janessa - posted on 06/07/2011

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It sounds like communication is an issue here. Yes it is a form of cheating because it is disloyal, but it sounds like there are some deeper issues here. My husband and I have often talked when I have gotten upset because I didn't feel like he was helping out as much, and he said something to me once that really hit home. He said sometimes it feels like I can never please you. After he said that we talked and I saw how hard he really was trying to help, but he didn't do it in the way that I wanted him to, or in the most timely fashions in my opinion, but to be fair he isn't the one home all the time and doesn't always know what needs to be done. I think guys a lot of the time do try really hard to please, and when they can't they start to feel depressed, and some may look elsewhere to feel appreciated. Now I'm not saying this is what has happened with you, but you should see if it is possible. I believe any relationship can work if both people are willing to work hard at understanding each other. At the very least you guys should have a heart to heart without criticism or anyone getting upset and see how the problem can be fixed. After you have this talk and you 2 understand each other better, then maybe you should talk about instead of having separate facebook accounts, having just one that the 2 of you share so that the temptation isn't even there.

Steph - posted on 06/07/2011

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Just because he is SORRY & you have a child together, Doesn't make it OK!! I am pretty sure he will do it again, just give him time. Sorry to be such a downer, but you should prepare your self, just in case. The only reason I say this is because it happened shortly after having your baby. It just shows how his feelings are more important than the FAMILY!! Maybe you can forgive him and I am sure you will but it better be on your terms and not his! Because this will show how much he wants the relationship to work. Good luck!!

Tia - posted on 06/07/2011

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You have nothing to be embarressed about. You did nothing wrong. Things are always tough getting lives back into some sort of normalcy after bringing baby home. Alot of men go through this they feel cheated out of time alone with you. I made it my mission that even if it killed me I would make sure my husband never felt left out of anything especially my affections. Three day after my first son was born I showed him how much he still meant to me........stiches and all. Just make time to fall in love all over gain. It will be tough to forgive and for get will never happen so dont even try. Just take it as though today is the first day of the rest of your life and if you want him there with you by your side it will happen.

Lisa - posted on 06/07/2011

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I'm sorry this has happened to you. My husband was talking to an ex from high school that he hadn't had any contact with in 7 years. I seen her on his fb and asked him who she was, he told me she was an old friend. So one day I asked his mom. His mom can't stand this girl, so she told me everything. So I asked him about her again, he then said that he didn't want to tell me who she was because she knew I would be upset that he was talking to her. So he let me get on his fb and read all there messages. They were just seeing what each other have been doing since high school. There was NOTHING bad. It just hurt REALLY REALLY bad that he even wanted to talk to her. He did send her a message telling her that their talking was hurting his marriage and it was not needed so he deleted her. I know mine wasn't as bad as yours, but I know that it really hurts and it is really hard to get over. The thing that hurt me is that he lost his virginity to this girl, the only person he had been with except me. I saved myself for him, so it's just hard to think about. It was a mistake that he made only one time in his past but it is really hard to think about. Only you are supposed to see your husband naked, you know what I mean? So, as long as you think he is being honest with you, then just try to forget about it and work on your relationship. My husband and I have gotten sooo much closer since that happened. I hope it all works out for you!!!

Italia - posted on 06/07/2011

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I'm truly sorry you're going thru this and I know first hand!! It's the worse feeling. I'm going to tell u what I did in my experience but not what you should do because that's ultimately your decision. I found messages the exact same way you did. I can't prove he "physically" cheated but the messages were bad enough to cause heartbreak. I confronted him and of course he said the exact same thing your hubby said. Like a coward blamed it on our problems or what I did to push him away. COWARD I yelled take responsibility be accountable. Had I not read his messages he would of never told me or stopped. I ended our relationship because I could never trust him again. I would become the psycho gf who questioned where he really was or what he was really doing. It would of made him miserable and me.
The first thing is you can't justify his actions because you want to feel better about what he did. He cheated, lied and deceived you. Second it's not your fault. And third if you plan on staying with him you need to forgive him and move fwd and you can NEVER bring this up again it will only hurt your relationship.
Hang in there!!! I promise you that what u are feeling now is not forever.

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