HELP! Husband Trouble?

Anne - posted on 09/07/2011 ( 29 moms have responded )

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Ok ladies, I know this is a mom website but I am a little lost on where to go for advice. I usually get really good advice from on here. Here is the situation:

My Best Friend came to me telling me that my husband asked her to have an affair. She seems to think that her was serious and he keeps telling me that he was joking. Now for a little background. Her husband has NO sex drive and Mine has gone down since the birth of our children. It has been a long time joke that we should just switch spouses. My husband also has a very hard time joking around.

the He said/She Said

She said that he called her up, asked her if she was with me, and claims that he started talking about how he was going to get in trouble. She she finally got him to spit it out he asked her if she would ever cheat on her husband. She said no. Then he told her that as much as he loved me he wasn't getting enough sex and was looking else where. That they would be friends helping each other out.

He Said that he called her looking for me when my phone went straight to VM and admitted asking her about it. He keeps saying that it was a joke gone terribly wrong.

Although he has crappy joking skills I believe her. I know that nothing happened but I just don't know what to do. I don't want this to destroy my marriage bc nothing did happen and I have no PROOF that it wasn't a bad joke. However, I do believe he meant what he asked her. I am at a loss. He keeps denying that it was more then a joke but she's known my hubby for long enough to know when he is/isn't joking. What do you ladies think I should do? If he HAD cheated on me it wouldn't be a question. I would end it 100%. But I don't really want to throw away my marriage for a maybe. How can I ever trust him again? Thanks Ladies!

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[deleted account]

Ok I only read some of the post and dont know if this has been said.



I have 3 small children and little to not sex drive since having the last 9 months ago. I heard about this thing called the 7 day sex challenge. For 7 days you have sex once a day. Rather its a quickie or not doesnt matter. But it has been shown to get couples closer and reconnect on many levels. This maybe TMI, but my husband compares sex after kids to like an old car. You have to jump start it a few times before it runs right again (I know weird but makes sense)



As far as the phone call...I would try to lay it aside. Not forget, but forgive it. Marriage is work and we are all only human. Now if it continues or happens again then you need to look at other options. Hind sight is 20/20 and sounds like he might be trying to play it off as a joke because he knows he was wrong if there is nothing else wrong with your marriage he doesnt want to ruin it. Good luck.

Ashley - posted on 09/10/2011

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ok this is my two cents...I have a huge sex drive and so does my husband always has been this way. So we pair very well but he isn't the typical man. Have you ever talked to him about this sex issue? Your hormones could be going crazy hince the low sex drive. Now I am not telling you to just force yourself to sleep with him but have you ever talked to your doctor about this? I hear a lot about sex issues with couples and sometimes people need a little push on that area. You ahve to think if it isn't hormones or what have you causing low sex drive, is it self esteem? It says you had a baby ..I remember when I felt disgusting after my second son and I didn't even want my husband to look at me because I felt so gross. but he reassured me I was beautiful and tells me every day since then because I like to hear it and it makes me feel good about myself. YOu just have to think really long and hard about the sex thing..underlining problems. NOW bating a man is never good NEVER EVER EVER. Because men are sexual beings. It is the way they are created. I think I would talk to your friend and say," you know if he asks you again or try to make a move, tell him no way" and then have her tell you. It is a he/she said bit and it is really hard to deal with something like that. NOW i would also tell your friend she should've stopped him in the beginning of the conversation and say" look your wife is my friend and regardless if you are joking or not you shouldn't be talking like that." To me making jokes about cheating or having an affair is not in any way a "joke". But that is me. Everyone is differant. I think you just need to sit him down and talk about ALL these issues. Sex, the whole asking her friend bit and ask him to tell you honestly what the heck is going on. Now if you do, don't go screaming it at him or yelling at him, calling him names. Men will not open up to that (trust me I learned this the hard way) Just talk to your husband and simply tell him it wasn't funny if he was joking and he shouldn't do it again. That is my two cents and I hope everything goes well with you,

Amy - posted on 09/10/2011

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Hi. I have been in a simalar situation in the past so I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. Before you can do anything else you have to make a decision. You either forgive and forget and NEVER bring it up again or you walk away. Otherwise it will cause nothing but mistrust and fights and niehter you or your children deserve to go thru that. If you decide to stay. Talk about it hbonestlywith your hubby. And then this is the part you may not like but it will require some change from you. I have 2 kids I know about the sex drive issue. But love is a choice. And you need to choose to give your husband the love he needs. Its hardto do atfirs sometmes but its always worth it. Its even biblical , husbabnds and wives are told not to withhold themselves from eaxxh other except by mutual agreement for a time lest they not fall into sin . We are mesnt to love and cherish and sometimes its easier than others, but its always our choice. When you and your husbands put the needs of each other before yourselves both of. You will feel more loved and fulfilled

Rachael - posted on 09/08/2011

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jennifer, i don't think bating the man is fair. he might have been curious, but I think that the lack of a sex drive does not pair well with a HUGE sex drive. Since this is a new problem, I would go to the Dr. or a counselor and figure out a way to get your drive back to where it used to be and/or to find something else that will help him feel satisfied (if it was the other way I'd say toys and stuff) The bottom line is even if he wasn't joking there isn't any proof that he would have gone trhough with it.

Stifler's - posted on 09/08/2011

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I would just ask if he really does want to cheat on you still and if it's just about the sex you could do couples counselling or something.

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29 Comments

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Lissi - posted on 09/16/2011

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Counseling. That would be where I think you should go, because he is searching for some action means that your friend is probably not the only person he is going to ask and whether or not there is ever proof you need to address your relationship before he does something that he can't take back. Good Luck!

Yurena - posted on 09/16/2011

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Sorry Missy, I find that very patronising, I didn't ask for your advice. Since you are not me and don't know me at all, you don't know what MY needs are, also people are very different, not all 'men are from Mars' and not all 'women are from Venus'. I only replied to this post to try and help Anne with her situation, which was about not trying to sort out HER SEXUAL PROBLEMS but for advice on what to do with her husband. I do think (please forgive me all those who blame the wife for not 'fulfilling his needs') this is not about needs but disrespect, lying and trying to cheat. The advice on satisfying him, or if you ask me, sorting both members' of the couple communication problems, should have been for before, not after he's done this. But again, each one to his own, and really hope it works for you Anne.

Missy - posted on 09/16/2011

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Yurena,
The thing is you are a woman and your NEEDS are different than a man's. You might like to have sex twice a day, but it is not a NEED of yours like HELP AROUND THE HOUSE or HAVING A CARING HUSBAND. I think a good book for you to read also might be "His needs, Her Needs." It talks about the different needs of a man and a woman and how it is important to learn what they are and fulfill them to show the other person in your relationship that you really love them!

Robin - posted on 09/15/2011

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I think you should do multiple things. 1. Speak to a Dr. to ensure you don't have any health concerns causing this issue. 2. Speak to a counselor to see if there is something psychological causing this issue. 3. Make your lifestyle healthier, vitamins, exercise, enough sleep. This may help you feel healthier, more energetic, etc. 4. Try to spice things up. Find things that will help you get in the mood so you desire sex more. 5. Speak to a marriage counselor. Obviously, you're having trouble with trust after this. You need to see if you will be able to work toward trusting him again. Also, people frequently turn to cheating for reasons other than just for sex...try to find out if something else is going on and fix it. I hope you find happiness, no matter what you decide to do!

Yurena - posted on 09/14/2011

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Rachael, I know sex is important in a relationship, that's exactly you shouldn't be forcing yourself to do it. That's why I said to check what is wrong and try to get yourself in the mood, definitely talk to your husband about what you need (probably resting and appreciation could do the trick for most people). Still, all is related to the post, which is about a husband that proposed a friend sex, so, here, my dear, forcing yourself to 'do it', definitely is not the answer, rewarding him and punishing yourself for the lack of respect and lying. He didn't do this because you don't have sex, it's because he thought he could get it and not be caught, instead of working at his relationship with his wife. Again, good luck, I really hope that it works out well whatever you decide to do. x

[deleted account]

Just to make it clear...when I mentioned the 7 night of sex challenge it was for all of us (myself included) who want sex but are to tired which slows our sex drive. If it is medically related then yes go to a dr. But so often its the lack of sleep and high stress level that causes low sex drive for women. We need to remember that yes our bodies changed, and we are different but our husband didnt so their needs are still there. I know many times I have been upset with my husband because it seemed that I was always giving over myself to him, the kids and anyone else who needed something anything from me. When really sex was his way of giving to me by showing me that he still loves me and cares for me even if I dont look like I did when I was 18.

Rachael - posted on 09/13/2011

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Yurena,
my comments on her having sex with him are directed at the comment she made about her lack of libido being a new problem which I suggested she talk to a Dr about. Sex is a very important part of a marital relationship. IT is not the only part by any means, but it is extremely important especially if there is a drastic change in the amount of sex that one person wants. This can be a symptom of a more serious condition and can add strain to a marriage.

Yurena - posted on 09/12/2011

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Sorry, an extra. Sometimes people don't feel like having sex, they really don't, telling them to do it is just cringy, it can make you hate your partner, they think you are enjoying yourself and you start harbouring resentment, I find it dishonest. I'm not saying don't try to find the reasons and get into the mood, but if you don't want it, definitely don't do it. My husband has had a low sex drive for a long while (medical reasons included) and I would do it twice a day if he wanted. That doesn't make me cheat.

Yurena - posted on 09/12/2011

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It is a tough one. I am surprised some people are saying 'give him sex, it's his needs'. If he has needs there are many ways of fullfilling them, with your partner or YOURSELF. Asking the neighbourgh for sex and denying it is nasty, plus can destroy a good friendship on top of the marriage. He needs to own up and get on with marriage, it requires work on both sides. Is this the kind of man that is helping around with the kids and chores? That cooks a meal every now and again and spends quality time with you? I don't think so if he's got enough time to find out wether the friend is up for an affair (for that you need more time than for a cuddle with your partner). Lying doesn't get you anywhere, I personally think it is a bit stupid to 'forgive' when the other person is telling you it is not true and that your friend is making it up. Good luck. x

Betty - posted on 09/12/2011

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He didn't actually do it so you have no problem, you're friend should stop with the drama. lol jks

Traci - posted on 09/12/2011

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Only you can truly decide what to do in this situation. You still love him, or you wouldn't be with him and trying to fix this. But it's not really YOUR problem to fix. You didn't do anything wrong, joke or not HE should be proving to you that his temporary lapse in judgement was stupid and that you are the only woman for him. If my hubby ever came onto my best friend, joke or not, I would definitely expect him to be the one making it right. HE is the one that crosse the line. Now, if he truly sees it as harmless and a joke, he might not catch onto the fact that you want him to fix it. So sit him down and say 'hey we dont have sex like we used to, I know this bothers you but please understand that after having babies sometimes a woman's body is so out of wack that sex becomes a low priority. I promise to work on this and I promise that I will listen to your wants more. However, as a compromise, I need you to be open and honest with me. Asking other women to have an affair with you is not something that I am ok with and whether your joking or not it really hurt my feelings and my trust in you. I think we need to work on strengthening our relationship and we need to start scheduling some alone time away from the kids at least once a month.' hopefully, by presenting the WHOLE situation (what you know and what you have heard) offering a compromise and a solution, he will better understand where you are coming from. Ask him what an acceptable amount of sex is in a weeks time, and compromise. Start out with an amount that you both are ok with and work from there! He strayed for a reason, and instead of trying to find that reason. Tell him how much it hurt you, and come up with a solution! My hubby and I went thru similar things after my youngest was born. Sex literally was the last thing on my mind. It was uncomfortable/painful when we did and hubby had gone so long without he just raced to the finish line. I just quit letting him touch me, he never strayed but our relationship struggled. When I finally talked to him, explained that it was uncomfortable and sometimes hurt because I was dry and not as easily aroused because of hormone imbalances he 'welcomed' the challenge of exploring exactly what turned me on and aroused me.. The foreplay was (and still is) amazing and the sex is even better!

[deleted account]

Oh a good book to read for both of you would be "The five Love Languages". I agree with missy. Your needs are different and you both need to understand them.

Missy - posted on 09/11/2011

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Men have needs and women have needs! His needs are SEX so you need to give them to his cause you are married. Hopefully he is also fulfilling your needs, whatever they may be:) If he is not I would ask him to help you in that area, but probably not till after you fulfill his need first!

Tiana - posted on 09/10/2011

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Hi Anne,
I'm sorry this has happened to you. I think you should have a serious and open talk with your husband about a lot of things. Asking your best friend if she wants to have an affair is wrong, and the only way he could try and “make it better” was to say he was “joking.” In my marriage, doing what your husband did would be considered cheating, and my husband would be pissed and might leave me if I did something like that; and I would feel the same way.

Is he a good husband? Does he treat you well?
If you're just with him because he's what you're used to, maybe really think about the marriage and if it's what you want.

If you love him and feel that he loves you and your relationship is worth fighting for, then really talk to him. Tell him openly and honestly that you feel hurt and betrayed (dont' accuse him; just tell him your feelings). Tell him that you want to be the only woman for him and you feel embarrassed that he would go to your friend or ANY other woman to have his needs met.

Are you not satisfying your man? You say you don't have a sex drive; well I think that means you need to find one. I would feel really hurt if I wanted to make love with my husband and he always told me no. I'd feel like he didn't love me or find me sexy. Maybe you should think about how you're treating him; Does he think your best friend is a dirty slut? Or did he (subconsciously) think she would tell you about it and he'd get caught so you guys could work on your problems?

I don’t know if your husband has already strayed; but you should talk about it.

And just because you don’t have a sex drive, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have sex with your husband. Men are sensitive. That doesn’t mean u should just close your eyes and take it. Do some research and find out what turns u on or why your never in the mood. Do you have too much stress? No one to watch the kids? Do you feel like he doesn’t take the time to romance you and just wants you to hop in the bed? Is he a bad lover? Do you feel unappreciated? Unloved? Does he look at porn? Does he look at other women? (to be honest, I had to tell my husband that I didn’t like him looking at porn or noticing other women and that it hurt me. He eventually saw that it was really hurting our relationship and he worked at stopping and has since stopped those behaviors. After that, our sex got AMAZING. How could you not be hot for a man who is just looking at you? Just wanting you? Just praising you? Just talking about him being so great makes me want him. If you need pointers on how to get to this point, feel free to message me, and both me and my husband will try to give you some advice)

I know these are super personal questions, and I’m not asking for the answers; but find the answers for yourself so you can teach your husband how to get you in the mood. Tell him he needs to compliment you more; that you want him to go to the gym; that you’d like more romance (maybe he doesn’t even understand what romance and intimacy are. You have to help him and teach him and encourage him.

Honestly, I don’t think he was joking with your friend. I also don’t think you should joke about switching spouses either; that would really hurt your husband’s feelings; knowing he was just interchangeable with another man. (when you’re ready, I think you should apologize for that; I would cry if my husband said he wanted to switch me with another woman). I definitely think you should ask him to apologize to you and your friend; and if he’s brave enough, your friend’s husband too. He should know that you’re hurt, angry, and embarrassed. But you should also promise him that you’ll work to be his fantasy woman and make his dreams come true, but only if he’s working to be your fantasy man. Teach him that trust, adoration, and romance makes for the best sex.

Sabine - posted on 09/10/2011

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I didnt read all the posts but Im gonna give u all a little advise. It seems like a lot of you are suffering from post baby low sex drive which is surprisingly common. My advise... which I thought was ridiculous but really does work is...have sex...even when you are tired or not in the mood have sex. The more you have sex the more you want it. It really will up YOUR sex drive AND keep your man happy. I had a horrible sex drive after having my girls but I read this somewhere and was like why not? and it worked! =) Sex would be a terrible reason for an otherwise perfect relationship to go bad. However if it doesnt work for you I think that if he is willing to test his cheating waters with your friend he is likely to try it elsewhere too....Hope everything works out for you hun!

Jacqie - posted on 09/10/2011

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Get him to counseling quick. He wants sex, you aren't giving it, he's going to get it from somewhere else. Men do not understand what happens to us after a baby, personally I don't think they even care. Keep your eyes and ears open and keep him on a leash.

Ashlee - posted on 09/09/2011

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Give him a "HALL PASS" sooo kidding!! Well what I have to say about this issue is that you have to let this time go because you cant prove it but be careful and catch him doing it again.One BIG thing... never bring up the past and bad things that happened it will just be a way to have mulitple arguments. Love keeps no record of wrongs. I have to suggest a book to you if he wont read it with you then just read it yourself its called " His Needs, Her Needs" its truly wonderful!! Puts a whole new prospective on your relationship! I hope this helped be careful and dont ask him anymore about it after all hes your husband and that matters most. ~~ Ashlee

Roneshia - posted on 09/08/2011

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Sarah,

There are some lines that should never be crossed and never be joked about drinking or not. I feel the way how you react now will determine whether or not the affair happens. I think overall he is testing you to see what all he can get away with. He may not want to have an affair with your friend, he maybe distracting you from who it really is that he wants to have an affair with. I say stand strong and let your husband know that any affair of any kind has conseqeunces. Tell your husband how just the thought of that affair affects you. You should let your friend know that you appreicate her loyalty.

I hope this helps and you guys can work through your differences....

Jennifer - posted on 09/08/2011

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I dont know its sounds fishy...i would prolly leave it alone for a while til he thinks you forgot about it and then maybe have ur friend go to him an say she is lonly an needs somone to talk to an maybe start a covo about needin whatever and see where it goes, it could even be another friend but thats what id do is have somone come on to him an see how far it goes...

Denise - posted on 09/08/2011

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i dont think thats something he should be joking about with ur best friend, and much less behind your back. trust is key, and a little doubt tends to snowball. u have some thinking and decisions to make, because it sounds like ur very unhappy and doubtful and obviously hes unhappy with something too.maybe u can sit and talk with him and get everything out in the open with him. u cant move past this until everything is out in the open and settled. good luck sweety :/

Anne - posted on 09/08/2011

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No, there isn't any reason for her to make this up. I agree. In a group is one thing but for him to call her and just randomly ask makes it not a joke. What do you think I should do about it Emma? I am kinda at a loss...He won't admit it as much as I tell him I know he's lying...

Stifler's - posted on 09/08/2011

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Would there be any reason for your friend to make this up? It's funny to joke about it when you're all sitting around having a few drinks but it's not really a joke when they're talking about it behind your back. He's admitting it to do damage control if you ask me he thinks if he admits it you will believe that he was joking. Just my perspective on the situation.

Anne - posted on 09/07/2011

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Thanks Erin, but I feel that I did catch him because she is my BEST FRIEND and wouldn't lie. He admits to asking her. He just says it was a "joke". That's what makes this so hard. I trusted him up to this point...

Erin - posted on 09/07/2011

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Hey honey, i'm in your situation as well, although my husband is a nympho and I have little/no sex drive. However, we joke around about cheating as well. also something happened a year ago after the birth of our child. Accusing me of cheating on him even thou it did not happen at all. It comes up every time he drinks. And I have had ppl tell me that he cheated on me too a long time ago. Yet I have no proof as well. So this is my advice to you. Marriage is based on trust. if you love him enough you have no choice but to trust him. If you have no proof then you can't blame him for anything. Same with us, he has no proof that i cheated and nither does he, so we learned to move past it. Until you do catch him than you can kill him but don't let something like that destroy your marriage. its not worth it.

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