HELP! I can't get my almost 3 year old to sleep in her own bed all night....

Jane - posted on 11/15/2008

First of all hats off to you and your husband! She is use to getting to sleep with a parent and even though you try to be firm at your house you cant control what happens at her mothers house and thats very frusterating i am sure. I have an ex husband and we share custody of our 8 year old so i do understand.i am also a full time professional live out nanny. I would suggest taking her into her room and announcing that she is getting to be SUCH a big girl now and talk with her to see what maybe could be added or taken away from her room to make it a place she would like to spend her time in. With freecycle and craigslist and garage sales and thrift stores, redecorating a little girls room becomes a fun and feasible possibility that the family can take as far as they wish with very little to no money spent. sky is the limit with themes and such. It might be as simple as adding a new nightlight. Maybe she just wants a pillow from your bed to sleep with in her bed. Having a blankie or special doll or stuffed animal or a pillow is NOT the end of the world and sometimes thats all a child needs. :-)
By giving her a little control over choices for her room (sometimes, not all kids are the same) it tells her that you care about her feelings and her opinions BUT you are still in control of bedtime. after 2 years old children look to find validation in their wants which i am sure you have noticed :-) . all she may need to get over her desire to control her bedtime sleeping arrangements is to get a say in what book is read or what nightlight is on. Also , please do not be afraid to be firm about not wanting her in your bed. 3 years old is old enough to enforce this. Encouraging her to be independent is very important. Kids need and want rules and limits. They find comfort in knowing how far they can and cant go and become less anxious or out of control . Find a bedtime routine that works for you and your husband and your schedule where she will know to expect that once 6 or 7 oclock rolls around its wind down time. Maybe its a bath , book, tuck in routine. Maybe its an after dinner you play a game or with toys together, bath, book bed routine. The key to success will be in consistency as much as possible. She will try to get her way at first and you may find yourself spending a lot of your time taking her back to her room at first, but if you are consistent you WILL see a pay off :-) Let her go ahead and cry and say " no mom , no dad, dont leave me" because she is using that as her way to get her way. Just tell her you love her very much and are proud of what a big girl she is and leave it at that. Try not to get into talks with her or conversations because then she is also getting her way and bedtime is still in her control and her power ;-) Keep taking her back to her room. If you need to , get a basic child proof door knob cover /safety lock to put on her side of the door so once she gets tucked in its " i love you very much we will see you in the morning !" and she is in her room for the night. There is nothing at all wrong with letting her vent her feelings with a temper tantrum. Let her cry. If she gets to an out of control level with it where she is so worked up she may make herself throw up you can go in to her and calm her down but just let her know that she is still in her room for the night. Also this becomes possibly tricky because she then may purposely work herself up to that level JUST to have the power of your coming in to her . You wont know until you get there. As long as you are consistent and loving and firm ,she will readjust and someday thank you for it lol

Its very easy for people to say " oh but she is three years old , she's is just a baby". But thats not true. 3 years old is not a baby. and what happens when she is 4? and 5? 3-4 is preschool age. 5-6 is kindergarten. suddenly you become someone who has an 8 year old crawling in anytime they please . Children co sleeping is a subject some people have VERY strong opinions about . Its YOUR choice :-) Its NOT child neglect or abuse to encourage independence and a sense of self confidence in your child :-) Also you and your husband need to have your space and your time at night to recharge. No matter what you guys decide and no matter how you choose to run your bedtime one thing that is definitely key to any house with kids running smoothly is happy parents / guardians who have a good relationship with each other and support each other. Thats hard to do if you are both losing sleep lol Working together through this hiccup will make the future control issues you guys may have with her easier in the long run :-) She is already on the road to being a well adjusted little girl because she has a step mother and a father who care about her enough to ask strangers for advice on making her bedtimes go better for her :-) Good luck! Also, i hope in no way did any of this sound like i am a big fat know it all lol Its hard to give advice because as you read it back you worry " do i sound like a pushy know it all?" lol ;-)

Mandy - posted on 11/15/2008

My oldest son who is now 7 did the same thing. I found it very hard to put him in his room alone also when he started crying but if you try waiting until they fall asleep in your bed and then try putting her to sleep it might be a little easier. And it's much harder if she is sleeping with her mom when she is not with you guys I also know that because I am divorced from my oldest dad so if she dosent try to help out it maybe a lot harder also.