Help with a problem!

Jessica - posted on 11/12/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

7

14

1

when i got pregnant with my youngest child the man that i was with left me and denied having anything to do with the pregnancy or that he was the father to the child. after two years i have gotten married and the man that i married cares for her as if she were his own. the problem is now the man that denied her has come back and wants to do a dna test to see if she is his. the child in question is only two years old and has never know anyone but my husband as her dad. i do not want to do a dna test and prefer for her to know only my husband as her dad. however the man that denied her thinks otherwise and believes that i am in the wrong and one day she will find out. i know that eventually i will tell her that my husband is not her biological father but should i do a dna test or should i leave the decision up to her when she is older? please anyone with advice! i am so torn. i feel like if i do the dna test my husband wil be furious but at the same time i dont want my child to never know who her real father is.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Karri - posted on 11/12/2009

15

80

1

Oh honey I am really sorry that you have to be put in such an unhappy and torn situation. I would like to hear more then the other that your daughter carry on knowing your husband and no one else as her fathers. Unfortunately, I think it is better that you get the dna test out of the way. It is the inevitable, and although the predicted outcome is that the guy in question is the real biological father, once you have the results you can explain, even to a two year old that the guy in question may be her "bio" dad, you husband has been, is and will ALWAYS be her REAL daddy. It takes more then a dna test to be a daddy, and sadly the guy in question has proven he is less then a father. I wish you the best of luck.And surely this decision you have to make will be tough, I think in the long run, your daughter will respect you more if you go ahead and get the dna test.

Amanda - posted on 11/12/2009

81

7

7

Its hard to know what to do in that situation. First off talk to your husband about it. Its a good thing to be sure about the paternity also, she'll want to know at some point and their could be medical reasons of importance in the future when it could be needed. Thankfully she is only two so she won't really know whats going on. If you do do it is this man looking to be involved in her life now?? If so you should feel confident that no court would insist on giving her over with out some real bonding time walking away for the child's entire life so far won't look too good. Really though its such a hard choice I think the most important thing is to talk to your husband and make these decisions together. It sound like you married a good man, trust in that and I hope all works out for you.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

9 Comments

View replies by

Mandy - posted on 11/12/2009

54

54

6

Being that this involves your child, this is a hard decision to make..I would tell her when she gets older that your husband is not her biological father, and if she starts asking questions just be there for her. Tell her that if she wants to know her biological father then tell her. At some point in your life you will have to tell her, but I have a feeling she will understand why you didn't tell her sooner. To me it seems like her real biological father just wants to start trouble between you and your husband and try to confuse your little girl. Being that your husband considers her his, just leave it alone for the time being and just see what the future holds. It will all work out for you.

Veronica - posted on 11/12/2009

1,539

61

90

PS - although Im married to my husband - duh/lol- when it comes to him and his son - its not up to me, and its not my decision - and I respect whatever he needs to do in that situation. We weren't together then, its not my son, and I dont know the woman either. The only thing I am here to do in that situation is to support my husband in what he wants to do about it. If his son were to come looking for him - i would welcome him into my home. If he doesn't im here to support my husband through the let down. But I feel that even though im his wife -- it is absolutely not up to me to make that and those decisions. Even if we had custody of the boy - I would feel the same in the mother being allowed rights to her child.

Veronica - posted on 11/12/2009

1,539

61

90

Im going to sound mean about this - but its not about your husband in this matter. It is about your daughter and her real father. Don't get me wrong - I think it should be thoroughly discussed with your husband - being that he has helped raise her, and calls her his own - but ultimatly this is something you need to decide on. You as the mother has rights - and if you need to - if the paternity is postive to the ex - then you would simply get things settled in court on how you want to go about visitation, custody, child support etc. But I don't think keeping your daughter from her real father is right.



My husband has a son with another lady - (way before we got together)- the moment the paternity came back - my husband has been dealing with and paying child support for the last 13 years. The only problem is - he hasn't seen his son in over 10 years - because the lady decided to take off with no goodbyes, and no telling where she went. My husband is very upset and angry that he has not been allowed to see or contact his son - and his has to sit here and pay out of his ass for a child he can't even see. But with hopes that one day his son will decide to find him - and he doesn't want to give up.



I know that that didn't exactly have a point to it -- but I would not deny this man his child, nor would I deny this child her father - regardless of where things are at at this point. People can change - and perhaps the real dad really has. I think you should get the paternity test to finalyze that to begin with. Then if he is the father -- then you can move on from there as to visitation/etc. Im not saying cut your hubby out of the picture for this -- but its still not up to him - this child is up to you ultimately -- and you need to do this for her.



Pray about it, is the final thing I can say to do.

I think you will do the right thing, and what you think suits your daughter the best.

Good luck, and God Bless,

Veronica

Karissa - posted on 11/12/2009

3

7

0

I think you should leave it up to the child. If she wants to know who he is and wants him to be part of her life when she gets older that's her choice. I have a a biological father who i call my sperm donor because he wanted nothing to do with me and i also have a father who has been there for be since I was 2 yrs. old. I do wonder why by biological father wants nothing to do with me and I do have questions for him but I don't have that choice to ask him. Thats why I think she should have the choice when she gets older.

Brandy - posted on 11/12/2009

1,353

0

157

I'm sorry but I think even if he has made bad decisions in his past, he is trying now to be a part of his daughter's life. And as much as you may want to forget this, he is her father and if he wants to be there, he should be allowed. So many separated dads get bashed for not trying to be in their children's lives. But what about the one who wants to turn that stereotype around and isn't being allowed to do so? Besides, he might turn out to be a really good father. Your husband has to realize that there was always the possibility of this happening and step aside for a bit and let this happen. Who knows, the test could be wrong then you don't even have to change anything.

[deleted account]

my dad is not my biological father but he is still my dad. he has raised me since i could remember. my biological father gave up custody before i was 2. my parents taught me with a cabbage patch doll. when you purchase one they come with an adoption paper. they helped me fill it out to show i was her mommy. and though i wasnt the one that made her i was still her mommy. as i grew i learned more. they never hid the fact that another man helped make me. and later (when i was 18) my biological father reached out for me.



yes it may hurt your husband to have to go through another man being called daddy. but your daughter does have a right to know. if she found out any other way at a later time she may resent you. as for the actual father...ask a few key questions...first being why the change of heart. also tell him that if you 2 were to do the dna test and he started being apart of your child's life that there will be no changing his mind later. he is either there for good or not at all...no coming and going out of her life as he pleases.



to make it a little easier for your husband when the father enters your daughter's life, have her call him something different that is still associated with father. my husband (who is not my son's bio-dad) is called daddy because he has earned that right. my ex-husband on the other hand who is not even a part-time dad is called da-da. this way your husband still feels more important.



i wish you the best of luck in this tough situation and i hope what i wrote has helped you...*hugs*

Jessica - posted on 11/12/2009

7

14

1

the thing is, is that my husband tells everyone that she is his daughter and im afraid if i approach this subject with him it will hurt him. but on the other hand it might hurt my daughter more. the other man does say that he would not walk away from his responsibility if it turns out she is his but he denied her before and im not sure that my husband could handle the fact that he would want to be around. ohhhh im so confused!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms