HELP WITH STEP-CHILD!!!!!!

Cheri - posted on 06/28/2012

This so reminds me of my life when I met my now husband & my step son.My advice is you need fiest to talk to your man & ya'll have to be on the same page with both kids,no one get better treatment or more attention ''jut becaue he' only there every other weekend'', rules of the home should be followed by all the children.also,both of ya'll need to sit down & explane that ya'll are not gonna give in if one adult says yes then the other will too & same as no both of ya'll need to support what the other say's the parents run the house not the kids. alo time out,need to be put in play for bad behavior NOW before he's grown & in & out of jail,TRUST ME I KNOW!! and as for his learning,ya'll need to see a dr too for his sake,adha is common & not always need med' to get thru learning and hi learning issue can make a child go on the defence.if things do not change, your man needs to tick up 4 u, it teaches a child respect !!good luck.

Kristen - posted on 09/14/2010

well clearly he is spoiled for one, and your doing everything in your power that you are doing. Have you tried the super nany technique? what it is and it works for my lilttle boy too, because i run a daycare in my home, i go eye level with him and tell him what he did wrong... or tell him "don't throw lego blocks" something simple like that. or "no hitting, it hurts" he would sometimes get what i'm talking about, or put him on time out. I don't like bribing a child, but it's a good learning tool for any age.try this... i know some parents put up nany cams in thier homes, maybe you should invest in one, record what the son is doing, and prove to mother and the father that what he is sometimes saying is a lie to either one of them, and to help you with the dilema. I had times where my son would grab pens from drawers and leave them out, and i can't watch him 2/7 as i have to go pee at times, and do dishes and laundry. I was always blamed for it, so i had to put my foot down with my fiance' and told him whats what.i told him to hide in the kitchen, and everything was pu away, and within 2 min's, pen's were out again, and markers. make your husband see what's really going on. Anoter number 1-million rule! DON'T HAVE YOUR CHILDREN RUN YOUR LIFE, STEP SON OR NOT! because if you do, that's all he'll know. by letting him know that you are a tad bit busy at the moment, he can wait, he's not starving, he can wait for a few minuets while you finish your thing. then sit him down, and give him his snack or drink and have a small conversation with him, see what happens, and maybe ask him " do like me? cuz I like you, your a wonderful friend" and maybe he'll say"yes i like you, your cool too" or something along the lines, let him know that you care for him... thats all i have to say. I never went through that, but sometimes when i am sitting 5 other children including my own, so i can understand some aspects of it. but in the end my one and only little man right now will always be my best friend, and i cuddle and tuck him in every night and day to let him know that.
I hope this helps.

Christina - posted on 09/14/2010

Sounds like y'all need some counseling. Kids are smart and know how to play parents against eachother. We have five (four that live with us full time, and the youngest is my stepson whom we get every other weekend.) Luckily we are smart enough to not let the kids play us against eachother. Infact if one of us tells a child no, and they run and ask the other parent, the child is immediately sent to timeout. It works like a charm for our brew.

Rosa - posted on 09/14/2010

I would like to thank all of you for your helpful and encouraging words. For those of you going thru the same thing I hope that this conversation can help and Good Luck cause if anyone knows I do about how difficult it can be.
I have already had a talk with my husband regarding this and the next time his son comes we are going to sit down and lay down with him and go over some things that need to change.
Also his FATHER has some changing he needs to do as far as how he reacts and behaves in front and with his son.
I do not want my 1 year old learning that this is acceptable behavior.
I will keep everyone posted if any progress is made.

Jennifer - posted on 09/11/2010

My step son was a baby when we were together so he loved me and we got along great. LOL Basically you and your husband need to talk about the issues. you need to present a united front at all times because your child will learn to pit you against each other too if the opportunity presents itself. That's what kids do. Find the chink in the armor and ATTACK! Don't fight and argue in front of the kids. make a pact, and as far as it being between his mom and dad, ummm no sweetie you are a parent in this too. You can discipline him appropriately too... My daughter started lying and trying to pit my mom and me and my aunt all against each other, and my mom was in your husbands shoes and we were all fighting all the time. This was after my divorce and my mom and aunt became her primary caregivers. Now we check with each other away from Sarah because she still tries, we talk it all out and we almost never fight. and Sarah is made accountable for her words and actions. Poor kid 3 parents all in sync with each other. LOL. Good luck.

Sharon - posted on 09/11/2010

U need to be firm with ur husband, he needs to change his attitude towards his son or ur other child will see this behavour and think its ok.... the child needs serious intervention with regards his behavour but its not his fault, its his parents... so when ur step child is acting out and misbehaving, its really ur husbands fault because he is not doing his parental duty by teaching him right from wrong. Poor child doesnt stand a chance... a mother that is in denial and a father that feels guity.. :(

Jessica - posted on 09/11/2010

i personally dont have this propblem but i am a step child and i was a little biatch wen my step dad moved in it helped that my mum and step dad were solid in discipline and talking to each other before letting us do anything and they were great with checking with each other first if we started lying i was still a biatch but it was easier for my mum and step dad to handle me sit down with ur husband wtiye up a rule chart make sure u have fun stuff for ur step child to do wen he visits work out wat times he may get hubgry thirsty and try get in before he asks then he mite not get so snotty with u plus dont let him see hear u and his dad fighting arguing gives him amunition hope this helps hang in there he will eventually get older and hopefully mature a bit

Sarah - posted on 09/10/2010

I do not have any step-children but i have been doing daycare for 5 years now and some of my friends have step-children! it should not matter what goes on at his mother's house... children will learn what rules to follow depending on where they are (ex. different rules at home than at school, or different rules at mom's house than at dad's, etc!) the rules just need to be reinforced! sounds to me like dad has to step in and let him know that lying is not acceptable and that he will not get his way everytime he acts out! he cannot make up for the lack of time he gets with him by letting him do what he wants when he is around! in the end he is just hurting his child by teaching him that bad behavior will get him what he wants! and no matter what you are still a parent to this child... you and your husband need to be on the same page with things. its obviously not helping the child to have you two doing different things... getting held back in kindergarten for behavior issues... thats not a good sign! i would talk to your husband about it and if he is willing i think counseling would help! its a good place to talk about things and have a 3rd party give their opinion about things without taking sides! it may help your husband to realize how in the end he is hurting his child by not giving him rules to follow and letting him get his way!

Cheryllynne - posted on 09/10/2010

Hey rosa ...
One other thing i worked in Special ed for 4 years as a teacher aide and we mainly do all the work with the kids more than the teacher...
Anyway if you suspect that he has a disability then your step son needs to be checked out to determine he does have a behaviour problem... Food can also be a big problem now these days... I had been giving my son who is now 5 apple juice for 3 years of his life before i changed to orange juice... I changed because i wanted to see if he would like orange and he does... anyway i didnt have any orange juice so i gave him apple juice after a year of not giving it to him... His whole attitude became a nightmare... it changed in the space of minutes!! I didnt click at first because he's always had apple juice but then my friend who was with me pointed it out...
So i went and researched apple juice and sure enough the food colouring is the same as coke and caramel... I use to wonder why my son would be so hard to handle when he was younger because he was the most placid baby ever for the first year and then he just became to much until i gave him orange juice... I encourage you to try and change his diet...same food but not the same preservatives, colourings or artificial flavourings... I did my research and i found that a lot of foods have the same food colouring as apple juice and i never give them to him...
Chemical imbalance is really not worth it!!

Cheryllynne - posted on 09/10/2010

Hi Rosa...

I dont have a stepson but i do have a bestfriend whose child is like that in everyway.... His son and my son have known each other since they were 1 n 1/2 and now they are both 5 years old....

However things were good then because my friend was married when i met him and the child had both parents with him until he turned 3.

But they separated and the child changed dramatically!!!!!

The situation with the child is that he had his father with him everyday for 3 years while his mother went to work and when they separated he could only see his dad 3 days on one wk and 4 days on the following...

What you do have to understand is that children hate change with a PASSION especially at an age as young as 3 and 4!! Its sad to say that you can try so much but it usually comes to any child who go through separation issues really need help and sometimes parents arent the ones that can help.

But having said that you can always try first and if its not working then the child needs help elsewhere...

I disagree with Marina because first and foremost it is your place because you are married to his father and he is in your home and if he is disturbing your home life then you need to do something... but at the same time it is the FATHER'S RESPONSIBILITY FIRST AND FOREMOST to step up and tell the child that enough is enough!!! and teach him to stop with the attitude...

My son has had to put up with my friend's child who has been punching, kicking during these last couple of years and its getting to the point where the father thinks its normal but it isnt and i really feel for you and know what you are going through even though he isnt my stepson....

All i can encourage you to do is lift him up in prayer and ask God for Guidance....

One more thing sometimes FOOD CAN BE AN ISSUE with the behaviour as well!!!

Take care Rosa and hope that things will get better for you!!! :-)

Stifler's - posted on 09/09/2010

he needs to learn his place, ADD or no ADD shit behaviour like that isn't acceptable and will end up impacting your relationship. You're the parents and the authority when he's in your house.

Amber - posted on 09/09/2010

Oh honey; you are repeating my life! I wish there were something wise I could tell you to help you or encourage you but I can't. I am going through the same exact thing with my step son but the only difference is that my husband and I were awarded full custody of his son a little over a year ago. Things have not gotten better; he has even began turning my own son against my husband and vice versa.

Latoya - posted on 09/09/2010

going through the same thing and we just ssat back and talk about it but nothing has changed so i just don't bother interacting with them i let him handle it

Christina - posted on 09/09/2010

I'm a soon to be stepmother of 3, My boyfriends sons live with us full time they are 10 and 9 and his daughter comes every other weekend she is 7. They all have there moments but what bothers me is that if they scream and holler enough they get there way with everything. Now I would be a bit more understanding if it was just the girl since she isnt over as much and because the rules at her mom's are different. Her mom has been raising her that girls should get whatever they want when they want. She'll walk up to her bothers that are playing with something and just take it from them. They all do this nose that makes them think they will get what they want, and that is because it works with their father and there nanny.

Kerrie - posted on 09/09/2010

i am in exactly the same position
my partner has 2 boys from 2 different mums 1 is 13 and great very helpful etc the other is 5 and pretty much the same as your step son...he even accused me of hitting him (obviously i never haver or would) in the end after 6 months of dreading him coming we sat him down and had a serious talk with him explaining why his bahaviour is not acceptable...we thought this had worked till we were told he was still saying i was hitting him...i have been around and treated him as my own since he was 2 and we have always been very close so obviously this really upset me. in the end we got his mother and her partner round and had a serious chat with them and then he was also talked to touch wood this seems to have worked and he is back to being a happy boy and a pleasure to be around..
his mother too doesnt really want him she never has him and we have him every weekend from fri to sun night.....when she has got him he is shut in his bedroom or shouted at so i do feel for him at home but not enough to accept the atmosphere he was bringing with him... i think they do it to get the attention that they are missing at home. now rather than arguing me and my partner are very much together on how he is treated and the behavior we expect and i think that helps that he cant make us argue anymore but it took a lot of talking with my partner to get where we are now but very worth it
hope this helps as its not a nice position to be in x

Sarah - posted on 09/08/2010

I agree, my stepson just turned four and he is the same way. The thing is his mother and I were friends first, but now it's gotten to the point that anything that happens over here NEVER happens at her place so it must be something I'm doing. It's something she isn't doing, in my opinion. I wish there was something I could say to help, in my community there are some free classes dealing with learning how to step-parent. Maybe something like that with you? Good luck.
P.S. I do believe it is your place to help deal with this. He is as much a part of your family as anyone else in it is.

Betty - posted on 09/08/2010

To all you mom's out there who have never had a child born from someone else want to call you mommy because you live with them, cook their dinners, wash their clothes, nurture and love them. How dare you say it is not our place as step moms to worry about their behavior. We are moms too. When we started seeing their dads we had no clue how capable we were of loveing them as our own and no clue how difficult it would be to raise them. Most parents have the privlidege of getting their kids as infants, they don't suddenly have a 3 year old scribbling on their walls and climbing in their bed at night covered in pee. You just don't know what it's like for step parents so don't tell us where our place is or isn't. There I had my rant and I feel better(:

Betty - posted on 09/08/2010

I wish you the best of luck. I love my girl to bits but there are those days where I come home and think in my head, "aw man she's here again". As part time parents we all have those days even if we would never admit it. As long as you keep him busy and give him positive recognition whenever possible he will become a more thoughtful and loveing little boy. Bordem is the devil's playground.

Kelina - posted on 09/08/2010

You really are stuck in a difficult situation but i definitely applaud you for sticking it out and trying to work it out! I agree with what someone else posted, try positive reinforcement it can work wonders. He's also testing boundaries and he is at that age where you can begin taking away privileges. If he gets caught in a lie, let him know lying is wrong and because he did he can't watch tv for the rest of the weekend. Or can't use the computer or something like that. In the opposite direction of that, why don;t you and your husband sit down with him and let him know, these are the rules over here, and you need to follow them. You could try a reward system to get him used to it as well, like if he follows the rules and doesn't get in trouble for two weekends, then you can go someplace special, or he can go for dinner with just his dad type thing. Whatever you do though, try to let him know that you accept him as part of the family and you love him because if you don't it's going to negate everything else you do. Good luck!

Crystal - posted on 09/08/2010

I've read your story, and some or your responses. It's great that you accept that in every sense of the word, you are his parent. You married his father, so you obviously plan to stick around. You need to be careful, though, of how much you let on that he is too much to handle, even when you wish that you had him less often. Kids catch on to those things, even unsaid, and will act out even more because of it. I would encourage some full family weekends for a while, where you and your husband dedicate the entire weekend you have him to just him, and never be separate from each other. In the case that one of you may be in another room, maybe do some hand holding. Instead of telling him go ask the other parent, go together to ask the other parent. It alleviates a lot of room for lying to get someone else in trouble. Beyond that, just love him. He's 7 years old, they are going to act out and be pains in your butt. They are worth it, though.

Rosa - posted on 09/08/2010

@Betty Jean, thank you so much for the tips. I will be sure to implement them and see how it goes....I will keep you posted

Rosa - posted on 09/08/2010

@ Marina I think I chose you to respond to because you hit that nerve about him not being my child. You are right he is not biologically mine but in all sense of the word I am his parent. I provide for him and care for him just like I do my own child with the exception of only having him every other weekend. If I didn't care about him I wouldn't ever bother to try to find a solution to what has been going on. Trust me there are lots of step parents out there who don't care but I do. Sorry sweetie but when he is in my home he will abide by the rules that are set for him here. I do not physically discipline him I never have but I do give him other forms of discipline like time-out for example. I am so tired of hearing that you aren't his parent so why worry well I worry because as a parent that is what you do!

Erin - posted on 09/07/2010

I'm on the opposite end of this situation. My daughter spends every other weekend with her dad and his long-time significant other. I don't think that she gives them too many problems when she visits, but then again, he and I only tried to make it work for a short time and she doesn't even remember that.
I do think that her dad gives in too much with her. Really, she can get away with SO much more over there than here with us. And I think part of that is because he is compensating for whatever he thinks he is lacking by not being there 24/7. I get it, but it's not necessary. So I think I may understand your husband's position.
On the other hand, if you really look at the situation, we are ALL her parents. Me and her biological father by blood, but his significant other and mine by default. We all play an active role in shaping how she turns out as a human being. Even if, say either of us were to break up with our S.O.'s down the road. They still would have been a huge part of her life for a time period. So we gotta make it the best we can.
I think that you should sit down with your husband and without placing blame or pointing fingers, discuss what kind of role you should play in his son's life. Obviously you're in this for the long haul or you wouldn't be worrying about it at all. When you and your husband can get on the same page about all the issues, then it is time to talk to the mother. Let her explain what she feels is ok and not ok for her son, in some way or another, try to reach a happy agreement. It just seems to me that there is a lack of communication going on here and nothing ever works right without that. I've had numerous conversations with my ex's girlfriend and it turns out we agree pretty well on discipline. I feel comfortable that my child is in good hands with her. There's got to be someplace where you all see eye to eye and you just need to build it up from there.
I hope everything works out for you and your family!

Shelley - posted on 09/07/2010

With the example about telling him he had to wait a minute, and telling his dad you said no, Your husband should have listened to what he said, said nothing, gotten up, told you what your stepson said to him *IN FRONT OF YOUR STEPSON*. That way he'll see that you check in with each other about what he says, and he would have been embarrassed about being caught in his lie.
In response to what Lori N. said, it's very common for stepchildren to try to cause trouble between their parent and a new stepparent because they are hoping the parents will think their relationship isn't working out, break up, and then there will be room for the child's mother and father to get back together.
You can't help the child's behavior in his mother's house, but you can sit him down and tell him you're here to stay, and you won't replace his mom. Only you and your husband can keep a 7 yr old from coming between you. No matter how your husband feels, he needs to remember he's the dad, and your stepson needs a strong male role model. Would he have let his son get away with that kind of behavior if he and his son's mom had never split up?

Lori - posted on 09/07/2010

You are pretty much between a rock and a hard place. Its a hard spot to be in but you have to remember that's his child. It sounds to me like the child needs to be sat down and his father needs to figure out why he is playing you guys against one another. There is obviously an underlying issue.

Betty - posted on 09/07/2010

I have a 5 year old step daughter(50% of the time) and at times I find it very difficult to even function while she is over because she places so much pressure on us to do things with her constantly. It's been getting better lately, now I just help her get started on an activity like painting, legos, playing with dolls, or something and soon as she's really into it I sneak away and let her play on her own. When she's bored again I'll do something with her feeling more refreshed and ready to connect with her. Step kids are tough because they expect a lot of compensation for what they're put through. If you help him become engaged in an activity he shouldn't feel the need to act up for attention because he'll be busy doing his own thing.
Next time he starts pestering your friends at an outing just say, "hey I have a job for you" and ask him to fill glasses of water or something. Lots of praise when you like what he's doing will also help.
"Hey, that's really cool thing you built lets take a picture of it", "wow you can skate really well I'm getting your dad out here to see", "thankyou for finding my phone what would I have done without you?", words of praise like that can really build a child up and make them want to impress people.

Rachel - posted on 09/07/2010

I'm so sorry that you are going thru this....I am having a similar problem with my step son...he will be 6 in Oct and has just started school. I wish I had some advise to give you, but to be honest I've tried all the same things and have gotten nothing. I have posted a similar question and got the same response as Marina has just given you. Not to be mean but I disagree with it's up to his parents, because you are a parent too! I wish you all the luck and if you get some good advise that does help out send it my way too!! Just thought I would share that you are not alone! :)

Marina - posted on 09/07/2010

There's really nothing that you can do. That's an issue that his mom and dad need to tackle. If they come to you asking you to chip in with his behavioral problems, then do so, but other than that, I don't think that its your place to punish him. Good luck!