How can I get the baby's dad involved more?

Kaitlin - posted on 05/02/2011

lol at the divorce comment! Sorry, I'm sure you didn't mean it as a joke. most of us wives and mothers have been there at some point. and in their defense I'm sure men get frustrated with us for our own flaws and faults. i think sometimes we have a hard time remembering that men and women do think different and it's those differences that not only keep things interesting but that mesh so well. i'm not old fashioned or sexist at all. i feel everyone should have equal shares of responsibility in a marriage and parenting. but there's an old saying that a mother becomes a parent when she finds out she's pregnant and a father when he holds the child. so maybe its good to remember that you have that time on him. also i know alot of fathers that just honestly don't know what to do with a small child but come into play more when they're a little older. then there's the fact that the men in my family tend to be doers. maybe give him direct ideas. ex: "why don't you go to .... with lil johnny today?" no we shouldn't have to say these things, but sometimes men just don't realize it. kind of like how we have to point out the pile of dirty dishes! then one final note i could make is that if you're a stay at home mommy n he works sometimes men tend to view that as your job and don't realize that you don't get to clock out and that you need breaks too. maybe you can point out that the whole reason he works is to help keep your household functioning. that your family is the ultimate priority. be patient. things will work out. sometimes we as humans fall into routines that need to be shaken up a bit from time to time.

Christianne - posted on 04/29/2011

hey alisha, I've found I can time when my partner is about to come home so I will organise my little man to be doing an activity when he walks through the door. My son will go running so I normally say oooo yay 'daddy play time' give him an update on what we were doing and then let him no I'm just finishing up the washing or starting dinner and then walk out of the room. This normally works most of the time. You could maybe even have a kids movie, or anytype of movie that he doesn't like on occupying the tv so that way he has to interact with your little one and just claim you were using it as background noise. you could even put on kiddie cd's on through the dvd player
Hope it helps a little
Christy

Anna - posted on 04/26/2011

get hubby to feed bubs bottle or take care of bath time. show him how it can be fun. my hubby interacts with my kids, every year he gets more interested. ps bubs can watch with daddy

Cynthia - posted on 04/26/2011

I had the same problem with ex- hubby and what I did was got up really early in the morning and place my daughter in the room with my husband while they are both sleeping. left the house for about 4-6 hours and when I got home.! Our daughter had a bath, she was feed and pampers was change.
when I walked into the door he told me never to leave him home alone with our daughter again, and I told him if he except me to cook, clean , work and take care of the baby he better start pulling his weight around the house and family time or I'll take the baby and I well leave him.

Kristene - posted on 04/26/2011

Definitely don't divorce him! lol Most of what you will find is that men are terrified of babies, and they will almost never admit it. First try talking to him, don't use the accusatory tones (that totally failed me), but little by little I tried different things. Here are some things I did that helped with your situations. My husband wouldn't hold his son unless he was put on the spot... (when I asked him to do so in front of a nurse or my mom... lol) but, when we got home and my mom was gone, (for your number 1) I would sit on the couch next to him and hold Triston so that he was facing Daddy. I would say things like, "look! he's looking at you, or smiling at you" and eventually (don't do it too often, you might irritate him) Daddy started making faces at him and tickling him... took a couple weeks, but it really helped both of us. For your number 2, my husband came home from work one day and I was in tears (our son was 2 weeks old and had only been home for 3 days). He asked why I was crying and I told him that when I'd given our son his first bath, he screamed and cried and he hates his baby bath and I didn't know what to do cause he was cold and (anyway, I just broke down). My hubby came up with a solution. We had a garden tub at the time, and both of us would take a shower (so we were clean), and then jump in the garden tub and one of us would hold him while the other bathed him. 3. TV... dun dun dunnnnn the evil boobtube. This was something we all did together and I would trick him into holding his son. lol We would be watching TV and I would need to get up and get a drink. Instead of saying, I need to get a drink do you want something, I would (at first) lay Triston on the couch right next to him on the couch as FAR away from the edge as I could. Then, I'd get up and go in the kitchen and ask do you want something. after a few times, I would start to put Triston down, and my hubby would say "I'll take him" and then, ta da... he held him for the rest of the show.

Try little stuff... don't push, but be patient too. try not to fight, I know it's hard, but just keep in mind... Men are big babies too, and they're more afraid of hurting the baby than anyone else. Our son is now 3 and they're best friends. :) By the time Triston started rolling over and crawling, my husband was all about playing with him and trying to get him to say "dada".

Jaimie - posted on 04/26/2011

Honestly, some men are more involved with their children and some aren't. I talk with my husband about this and his response is always the same, "Don't tell me what to do." "You do your part, and I'll do mine". My son is now 2 1/2 and yes sometimes he will get up with him in the morning and change and feed him but other then that, it's always a constant argument. I've just learned to do "my part" and get over it. I do hope things get better for you guys as your child grows but from my own experience, I would just accept it as it is. If this is your only reason for considering divorce, I really don't think it's worth it. I mean if you love him then you should stay together. Some husbands just don't have the parental instinct.

Erika - posted on 04/26/2011

I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who is a wonderful father and would let me sit on the couch all day while he takes care of our son but i couldn't do that, just saying.

Sorry that a lot of "Men" can't step up to the plate and realize what they are missing.

Erika - posted on 04/26/2011

My boyfriend loves the outdoors and hunting so he will take our son out for a walk in the woods and stuff like that. When our son was a baby he'd take him in the baby bjourn. Try getting him to do something with the baby that he likes to do like what my boyfriend and our son did if you can.

Leslie Ann - posted on 04/26/2011

One thing you should keep in mind is that just because he seems uninterested at this point in time. Doesn't necessarily mean that he is "uninterested" or doesn't love your child. Having read thru the posts again since I responded last. It seems that the majority of people have the same theory. Men are not that comfortable with infants.

There are two ways it seems to go. Men are either all gun how or they are not interested until the the child is older.

Eleanor - posted on 04/26/2011

wow, im so surprised at how many of u say your men dont do this, that, an the other with your babies, i hope me not out of order saying this but maybe u need to actually open your mouth more often an say baby needs feeding, here u go, hand him baby and bottle, an nip of to the bath or walk to the shop, be sneaky getting him hands on, show him how to make up bottles, etc i have to say my hubby has been great in this department, makin bottles, feeding, bathing, Now watching him trying to dress a baby thats funny, he gets all fingers an thumbs lol, the only thing he refused to do for along time is nailchoppin, Thats because he once cut our daughters finger by accident an i think he nearly had heart attack bless him, he never had a problem with nappy changing, the only real way i can see u gettin you fella more involved is to find ways to sneakly put him on the spot abit like i said above, u need to put himin a position where choice is out of his hands lol, then as stupid as it sounds when its time to rescue him, praise him for doin a great job, men can b just like kids to,an enjoy the feelin we appreciate them, i hope u get your man doin more, my problem with my man was an still is getting him to do general household cleaning, an my eldest is 12 in 9 days and he still isnt great, an yes we have nearlysplit over it in the past, luckly he is a really good cook whenhe can be bothered to do that atleast lol, all the best to all the ladys strugglin toget there men involved.

Nathalie - posted on 04/25/2011

What i could say on this that i made a list of things that he could for me n how he could help by washing the bottles n get this ready for the baby n when he was comfortable he started doing them on his own n it was great thing because i'm a mother of 3 kids but you have to take your time with him and talk to him you would be surprise of what he has to say about this. good luck and congrats on the baby

Janessa - posted on 04/25/2011

Definitely not divorce. If it is a little baby a lot of Dad's from what I have heard have a hard time knowing what to do with them and don't interact too much with them until they are older. My husband was the one who stayed home with my first 2 and so hasn't been like that, but it is pretty common. They may feel intimidated by such a small being. Have a calm conversation with him and honestly try to find out what he is feeling and thinking. There may just be miscommunication there. Tell him how you are feeling, but make sure it is in a non-threatening way. Leave room for a different interpretation of the situation than your own.

Kimberly - posted on 04/24/2011

One day I was feeling like you....on the verge of thinking of a divorce because I was pooped out with the boys. Then I thought....you know what...I'm going to make a chore list. So I wrote out this meal menu which included each of their meals for an entire week. Then I made another excel sheet with daily chores that included the house and keeping up with the kids like bathing them, feeding them, playing and teaching them, etc..... Then when I was finished I sat my husband down and said ...look what I did. He started to read over them and said wow...that's a lot of work. Then I said ...I know...and i need a little help from you. I'm not asking you to do everything or even half...but I need you to do somethings off this list so I can have some me time and take a little rest every now and then. Then he said okay....and we proceeded to go through the list...and I put his name under things like taking the trash out and bathing the boys....feeding the baby once a day....and a few other simple tasks that add up for me. Ever since then, it was a lot easier for me and he was more involved with the kids....it also gave him a sense of what I really had to do everyday and how much it could be for one person with 2 kids. I'm not sure how many kids you have personally but I am sure that making the list will help him realize how much you do with your baby throughout the day and how little time you get to do something as little as eat a complete sit down meal. I hope this helps. Also...sorry about the long run on sentence lol.

Iza - posted on 04/24/2011

i went through the same thing with my hubby in the first few months of her life.. he told me later that he just didn't know what to do with her.. sure, he was attentive with her when we were out and the pressure to be a good dad was put upon him.. but he told me since he was pretty much lost with her that he wanted me to tell him what to do.. maybe you could offer him options on what to do, like reading, and explain what he can expect from her.. i'm not saying it will help.. my husband is still somewhat elsewhere when he has to spend time with our daughter.. but he occassionally realizes how much he can do with her and teach.. i'm glad you're not trying to consider divorce, but its not easy when you feel like you're mothering 2 kids.. he needs to know how you feel, so all i can really say is be vocal about what you want and expect.. conversations on personal growth are never easy, but growth in relationships and in ourselves must sometimes hurt a little in order to grow right..

Cari - posted on 04/24/2011

I'm in the exact same position but I'm sure my husband is 10x worse, and its more or less of the things he says to our kids that annoy me.

Katie - posted on 04/24/2011

My husband was very much like that when we first brought our little guy home. He was terrified that he was going to break him, and therefore kept his distance. It drove me crazy for quite a while.
Once our son was about 6 months and a lot more mobile, he started to involve himself a lot more, and now that our little guy is 13 months, they're best friends! They have breakfast at Tim Horton's (I'm Canadian) every Saturday morning and let Mom sleep in! lol
It will come once he gets more comfortable having a little one around.

Reshma - posted on 04/23/2011

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR A CHILD THAT HIS FATHER CARED HIM,YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND YOUR HUSBAND THAT IT IS RESPONSBILITY ,WHICH WE BOTH HAVE TO DO.

Elfrieda - posted on 04/21/2011

Well, what I did is have complete breakdowns so that my hubby felt he should take the baby as I didn't seem quite fit!



It was a bad time for a while, but it actually brought us closer together, because we BOTH had a touch of postpartum depression. (turns out men can get it, too - yay.) We viewed taking care of the baby as a terrible, all-consuming chore. It was, too, because he screamed very loudly at all times, and didn't really sleep. We were each watching the other one a little carefully and nervously, making sure that we wouldn't harm our precious life-ruiner.



Anyway, we both did our best, and when things got better, he was just as good at the diapers/bathing/soothing as I was. We do things differently, and usually I choose what our son will wear for the day because my husband just does not care, but we're both pretty good at caring for him.



So maybe if you reveal a weak side to him, he'll step up and help you. If he thinks you can handle it no problem, why would he get involved, especially if he's afraid that he'll fail?

Allison - posted on 04/21/2011

My guy did the same thing he didn't do anything with our baby. We had kids young and he just wasn't grown up at all. The two of us actually split up and he went out and did his parting and singleness and came back. However, even then he wasn't completely helpfull, until one day I got fed up and left him alone with the kids. I have to say he actually knows how to feed them and make sure they don't hurt themselves but they usually are messy when I get back. I'm going to warn you though you have to be tricky and try not to do it very much. But say you are heading to the grocery store leave the baby with dad!!!! Men know how to take care of themselves and they will figure it out for the baby.

Sondra - posted on 04/21/2011

Well i have gone through the same thing the past 3 years! I think what made him realize he needed to be part of our kids life more and do more with them is they wanted nothing to do with him. He eventually got the hint that they need him too not just as a provider but as a dad and friend. i repeatedly told him. It really kicked in after i had my miscarraige and couldnt do alot! He will eventually do more when their not so fragile like after a year or so! Just give it time!!

Kerrie - posted on 04/21/2011

lol....though really its so not funny.
my partner didnt show hardly any interest in our daughter until she was about 6 months and even then it was minimal.
i was getting very fed up and my life WOULD have been easier on our own.
however we had a few chats and now she is 16 months old and "interesting" he is really good with her, till not quite as much as i would like but a heap better so aybe try talking to him. dont thnk about what your sayingjust blurt out how you feel. if ou think too much about it u will en up trying to spare his feelings and i have learnt the hard way he needed to be told straight
good luck its not a nice feelig xx

Theresa - posted on 04/21/2011

Sometimes men don't know how to interact with a baby, especially if they've never been around one before. My husband was like that at first. When we talked I found it wasn't that he didn't want to be around the baby, but he had no idea what to do. He had never been around babies and felt they were so fragile and he'd either hurt them or do something to screw them up. It took some time of him making an effort, but he eventually found his own way to make the babies happy and care for them. I'd suggest talking to him about making more of an effort and finding out why he's not taking an interest. Then as long as you're sure he won't get frustrated and hurt the baby, "dump" the baby on him. Set him(her) on daddy's lap and say "I haven't had time for a shower yet today. I'm going to go take one. She's been fed and changed so have fun. I'll be out in a half hour." Sometimes when they're forced to deal with the baby they do much better. I took up bowling when our boys were 3 and 3mos. It was the best thing I ever did. One night a week I got out of the house and he had to take care of the kids from 6-9. 3 hours doesn't sound like a big deal, but he gained a whole new appreciation for what I do during the day.

Also when you go to talk to him about it try not to sound judgmental. If he thinks he's being attacked he'll go on the defensive and you'll get nothing accomplished with the conversation. Use phrases that have "I" in them instead of "you". So instead of "You don't help with the baby much." try "I really could use a little help with the baby." It doesn't sound like an attack then, it sounds like you need rescuing and most men love to be the rescuer/hero to their woman. It makes them feel important.

Erin - posted on 04/21/2011

Hubby and I have 5 kids ranging in age from 5 1/2 to 3 months. With each of the kids, we've had the situation where he just doesn't really know what to do when they're young because they eat, sleep, poop, and cry. He likes to sit down and hold them, and he's at the point where he will even give them a bottle if I prompt him too. But he's not home with them all day long like I am, so he's not as sure as to what the cries and their (at times) unintelligible gibberish means. And the parenting doesn't come as natural to him as it does to me, so he often feels a bit inadequate caring for them. Once they're bigger though he does more on his own since he's better able to interact with them/interpret their needs.

With the housework, it's his house too, so I do expect him to help me out a bit. Being a SAHM mom (especially to a brood my size) isn't like June Cleaver portrayed it. There's laundry to do, meals to prepare, faces to wash, diapers to change, bottles to make, outfits to change, homework to help with, a house to clean, pets to take care of, a car to tend to, a yard to tend to, etc. Still, I have to sit down with him and explain to him what I need his help with when he comes home from work. And when he comes home from work, he has explained that he needs 20 minutes to himself to unwind and get into dad/husband mode again. So I give him those 20 minutes when he gets home from work, and then he's willing and able to pitch in & give me a break from managing a household and 5 kids all day by myself.

Have you and your husband sat down and talked about what your needs & expectations of each other are when it comes to childcare & housework? Have you talked about what your expectations are of yourselves in those roles? It may be that you both are on different pages about what your ideas are for each other in those roles.

Kathy - posted on 04/21/2011

My husband is still not close to as involved as I am. I homeschool all three kids ages 3-9, I take the kids with me on a lot of stuff. I am their primary care giver. Sometimes it seems like my husband is the baby sitter you don't want to use but have no other choice. LOL. Anyways, I prayed, begged, yelled and Jamie is this area hasn't changed. So I just go with the kids and we have a blast together. I have found over the last 9 years Jamie now wants to do more with us but I am still in the lead. My best advice to you is do the right thing and make it fun regardless of what others around you do or don’t do. Your kids will be out of the house before you know and you will not have any regrets. Don't let your husband's choices define who you are. Encourage him, pray for him, pray for yourself to love him when you hate what he is doing and you go and have a great time with you children. Get the kids on a tight schedule so you have time to yourself! I put the kids down at 8:00 and I can stay up till 12:00 and still get up with them in the morning.

Mandy - posted on 04/20/2011

you need to tell him flat out you need help and spell out EXACTLY what you need him to do, I've been in your shoes. My DD is 2 and I still need to tell DH what needs to be done on a daily basis... yes it gets annoying, but it does get done without you haven't to do it all.... good luck

Katrina - posted on 04/20/2011

Not everyone is comfortable with babies. It is a scarry thing, He is now responsable for you and a baby, but not only that, he is no longer the only on. I have seen time and time again this exact same thing, and once the baby gets a bit older he will find that bonding moment. My husband for examples sweets bullits when having to hold a baby. my kids are 10 and 5, and he takes them out, plays with them. He does stuff with them that you cant do with a baby. Open up the communication, both ways and be patiant! We imagine this happy energetic family but that isn't realistic.

Jennifer - posted on 04/20/2011

Lol its all dads not just your husband!:) I suggest to get involved with other families that have babies and see if that makes him realize he is not the only dad out there.Men are oblivious most of the time so you really have to encourage them! Say something like hey can you help me with so and so and mabye later we can watch something together on tv. or whatever he likes to do together with you. Just don't stop praying and this time will go by so fast, you will miss it sooner than you realize:) Keep up the good work at being a terrific mom:)

Keri - posted on 04/20/2011

Don't consider divorce over this. How old is your daughter? Lots of guys are timid about babies. If he's trying to avoid it by doing other things (like watching TV) take the baby into the room he's watching TV in, and sit the child next to him. Let them cuddle and play and they'll form their own bond - maybe over TV. It may sound underhanded, but in terms of participating in daily care, did you guys take the parenting classes at your hospital? They can really shed some light on things for the inexperienced and add the confidence needed to do those things themselves rather than allowing someone else to do them.

Christine - posted on 04/20/2011

Sounds exactly like my husband!

Shalaina - posted on 04/20/2011

My husband was a computer freak and I tried everything. Finally I told him to do whatever but he was the one who was going to regret it later in life when his son didn't want to do anything with him. I should add that he helped a ton with diapers, feeding, bathing, etc.

Nicole - posted on 04/20/2011

Also i would send him to get diaper and wipes and to make bottles to make me feel like he was helping. i would call him being the baby gofer as a joke. but its one way they can help till the child is older to where they can start their bonding.=)

Nicole - posted on 04/20/2011

how old is your little one;) i had that same issue and now that our daughter is 13 months her father is a TON more active in her life. he plays with her and she will sit in his lap to watch him play his DS. he still games and he still plays with her. at first it was just me doing all the baby work and i was really flustered. but we talked abotu it and we have come to conclusion men are just not that great with small babies once in a rare while you will find a man that is. but i hope things work out for you . i wouldn't consider divorce yet unless your child is older and this has been an on going issue. only you know your situation the best and best of luck to you.

Alisha - posted on 04/20/2011

Thank you ladies for ALL of your support! It's nice to know that my husband isn't the only man who thinks a hard day at work or a slight headache means he can skip parenting for the day and just take it easy. HA!
Well, since reading everyone's posts, I have tried to communicate better and tell him exactly what I'd like him to do for the baby. (She's 7 weeks by the way) I do feel like he has no idea what to do for her because she's so little. He still occasionally uses the cop out that "she wants breast milk" to hand the crying baby back to me no matter how many hours I've spent caring for her alone with no breaks that day.
I go back to work this Monday and I'm a little scared! We'll both be back to full time working then and he'd BETTER step up and be a man and a dad.

Sasha - posted on 04/19/2011

I hate stereotypes and I really don't think as mums we should accept that the father doesn't share the parenting. I'm a full time mum and my husband works full time. We've got a 16 month old and I'm due to give birth to our second in one week. From the get-go my husband has been amazing. Yes, he spends all day in the office, but I spend all day at home with our son: we read and sing and listen to music and play and have outings for the 10 hours that my husband's at work but then it's his turn. He cooks dinner, he baths and beds our son (great bonding time for them!) and then we spend some time together as a couple. I don't think we should underestimate men and I think we're doing them a real disservice in not getting them involved more with their kids. Your husband may need for you to sit down and tell him explicity what you would like him to take over and may need you to walk him through the activities (e.g. bathing) initially but the bond that he'll then forge with his daughter will be priceless. Life changes so dramatically when we welcome a baby into our family and I think both parents really need to step up and be active participants. Yes it's exhausting and hard work but that's what we sign up for when we decide to welcome these gorgeous little people into our family. Having spent a full day at the office is no excuse for not participating in family life. Yes, paid work is exhausting, but being a full time parent is equally (if not more) so. My husband was full time Dad for 4 months when our son was 2 months old and I was full time outside the home and he loved it. He's confessed that it's more exhausting being at home all day, with a little one that requires constant stimulus, love and attention with no pause button, no lunch breaks, no down time on the train, than spending a full day at the office (also exhausting) but he loved it. Communication is definitely the key. Communicate with your husband. Let him know what your day is like, how gorgeous your little one is and how great it is to spend time with her. Scaffold some activities for them (reading, singing nursery rhymes, going for a walk...). I hope, for all 3 of you, that your husband becomes a more active participant and really gets to understand the joys of being a Dad. Best of luck.

Mariah - posted on 04/19/2011

My husband admitted that he wasn't all that attached or invested in our daughter until she became more mobile and interactive with him. I guess once she became a real person in his perspective, around the time she started walking, he started paying more attention and engaging her more. Now I don't mean he didn't love her until then, he did love her, he just had very little interest in engaging with her.

As for getting more help around the house I agree with the other moms who say leave him with the kid for a day or two. This way he can get a taste of what all you do. If he gets after you for things that go left undone make sure you point out his own failings so he can really feel that sting. But talk to him about it after, let him know that is how he makes you feel.

Maybe I got lucky but my story goes like this; my husband broke his hand and was out of work for 6 weeks. After the second week he started staying home with our then 14month old daughter because we couldn't afford daycare with him not working. On the 2nd day of him being home with her I came home from work and heard the best sentences I've ever heard him utter, "I can't believe how exhausted I am. I've been home all day playing with her and trying to keep up with the mess. I'm amazed at how you do this and everything else you do when you're not at work." He said all of this while doing the DISHES! Something I've been trying to get him to do more of for years now. Let me tell you, I've never felt more vindicated in my life!

He went back to work for a couple of weeks after that and then decided to be a full time SAHD. Now I'm more than okay picking up more of the slack on the house work than I was when we were both working and I was the only one cleaning anything and on diaper duty 90% of the time.

Jaimee - posted on 04/19/2011

I am in the SAME situation, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I wish I could give you advice but I'm at the end of my rope, also.

Karen - posted on 04/19/2011

Get a friend who has kids and plan a girls day (night). have both guys "team up" to watch the kids. My husband is more willing to do this if he has someone with him. They can sit around talking about guy stuff, or take the kids to the playground or something. We do this and the guys involve the kids on video games, music, pizza and stuff. the kids love it and they behave too. Like they would at a babysitter. The guys don't mind it as much "secretly I think they have fun too".

Beth - posted on 04/19/2011

Book ur self a pamper day and leave him too it with the kids we get dropped in the deep end so why shouldn't they lol I did it and it worked my partner snow more understanding of what I do on a daily basis and helps loads more with the kids and house!

PENNY - posted on 04/19/2011

My husband was the same way with my baby. One day I got tired of it and just handed him the baby and told him the next 3 hours were his cause I needed a little me time or there would be no more 'we' time for quite a while. doing this showed him how much I actually did and why moms get so tired with out help. This was a real eye opener for him and he honestly told me he was sorry and didn't realize how much care and time went in to taking care of a little one. Not sure if this will help any but it worked for me.

Ashley - posted on 04/19/2011

My man is the same but it's the computer not the couch. The first time I left him alone with the baby to go have lunch with a friend he called me 15 mins later freaking out that I had to come home now because the baby was crying lol. Alot of men just think it's easier to let you handle it. Once I started back to work now he is the one that is with her most of the day because he works from home and he has gotten a lot better. Don't worry, just talk to him about it and tell him you need help.

Jennifer - posted on 04/18/2011

I don't buy it that men are any less equipped (other than breasts, of course) to care for infants than women are. I was totally nervous and clueless the first time I gave my baby a bath, and was kind of unsure with diaper changes with a newborn too. The difference is that we don't think we have any choice but to learn it. I think men can play at being inept as a way of avoiding the work. One time my husband told me he used to "attempt" to help the women cook, etc for brownie points but do it so badly that the women would just take over and shoo him away. He would look like a good guy but not have to do the work!

I agree with a previous post about giving dad specific jobs that become his responsibility. The example used was bath time. In our family my husband became the burp guy right from the get-go. I would pass our son to him after he was done nursing, and my hubby would burp him. I did this even in the middle of the night, as we co-slept as a family. I would also praise him and call him the burp guy. It expanded from there. Also, when the baby started doing the da-da-da-da-da babbling, I would always tell my husband he was saying his name and that he was asking for his dad!! I shamelessly played to his ego!

I am also kind of hard-headed about these things and do not subscribe to traditional labour division just because that's how my grandparents did it. In our house my husband does some of the cooking and cleaning, and we do home renovations together. The side benefit is that my sons have taken an interest in cooking because they see it as a normal part of being a man.

Pamela - posted on 04/18/2011

Easy- take weekend trip away and take the TV with you ; )

Karen - posted on 04/18/2011

After having my 2nd I asked my husband to help more. I was working and having gall bladder probs. that kept me up all night too. So I was very tired and stressed. he got mad at me and said I was just being a wimp, it was all my responsability. I was so mad at him that I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I pushed him away everytime he tried to kiss me or something. All the fighting we did wasn't doing anything. he started to accuse me of cheating on him. I tried talking to him several times and still nothing. Finally I told his mom that i was to the point that I was ready to leave him. She supported me 100% and told me if i ever do I'd be welcome anytime. It wasn't long after that my husband began to change little by little. She swears she didn't say anything. maybe he found one of the notes i tried to write up about it. I started to see a change happening and something told me to hang in there. Now it's 6 yrs. later and he helps out with all 3 of them. We had a daughter 4 yrs ago and he actually fed her in the middle of the night, he had been taking the boys on little trips, let me go shopping sometimes by myself and has been a big help getting the kids to sleep and stuff. Guys look at things differently. It's harder for them to learn how to do things they think. He was working 1st shift and i was on 2nd so he had to take over the evening routine at home. He struggled so much but never once said that he knows what I was going through. So I think a lot of it has to do with pride too. They don't want to struggle with something and admit that it's hard and they should help. He's still a wonderful husband and I know deep down inside he knows what I go through but thinks I need the push instead of support. But he has stopped complaining about my lazy days since he had to do the evening routine. So I know he realizes how hard it is. hang in there and really think about leaving before you do. Maybe just a scare (where you leave for the weekend) will work like it did for me. Although I never had to leave.

Theresa - posted on 04/17/2011

my husband was the same way. the thing you need to do is talk to him. all men are different, mine on the other hand...didnt take to well of my sharing my feelings with...when i told him he got mad he thought it was my responsabilty to take care of her and feed her and bath her..but i hope your experience is better then mine. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel if her reacts like mine then file for divorce theres no reason you should feel alone when your not

Amanda - posted on 04/17/2011

omg,i know the feeling...although he is a great dad n plays with him a lot..they have a awesome bond together..on the other hand when it comes to feed time,bath time,etc he really isn't interested..i think its a general man thing! what i have actually done a couple times is asked him to watch our son while i go down the street and tell him he needs lunch..this way he has been made to take part in meal times and realized that it isn't all that hard...i really dont know any other tricks..good luck hun!

Rachel - posted on 04/17/2011

First, how old is the baby? If she is under 2-3, some men just have a hard time connecting with their child, it's just the way they work. Have you tried talking to him about helping more?
Also if she is under a year, when she's fresh from a nap, take her and a fav toy to dad and plop her on him, and then go do something. I did that to my husband, and it took the hint quickly lol.

Patrice - posted on 04/17/2011

divorce is not an option!!! Leave a great legacy for your children. You can do this! Besides if you get divorced you will def be doing it all on your own!
I would talk to your hubby. Explain your feelings. Be clear, honest, and direct with what you need, Try to lay out a plan on who will do what and when so you aren't overwehlmed and he isn't oblivious. Hang in there girl~

Kylie - posted on 04/17/2011

assign him a job, my husband used to bath our son every night when he got home from work, and then i told him he was in charge on saturdays, and gave me a break. it took some time, and it seems like they really don't get it sometimes, but i guess he looks at it diffrently then i do, also his father wasn't very good with him at all, so he had no one to role model against.

Carly - posted on 04/17/2011

Honey, a lot of guys are a little unsure and take a back seat with new bubs, but you should find as bubs gets older and interacts more then dad normally steps up and by the time they are toddlers he should be very comfortable with them. My partner was very similar to this and once they are old enough the dads find they can play and interact more. As for the getting help, i found if i ask my man to do things that arent to hard i.e watch tele holdin baby for a few minutes, its good for dads to do bathing to, and maybe get dad trying to do a feed ( if possible) Although its not much help at first,even making bottles or helpin with baths or even a little cuddle every now and then still helps because every little interaction really is good. It will probs take time, but then we can hope all men decide to be unlazy!!!

Sara - posted on 04/17/2011

When I came home from the hospital I was up and about pretty much right away my partner took some time off of work. I worked part time then took a month off and now I am back to working part time that is my break (although sometimes I take the kids to work with me) My partner sleeps when he needs to and on most sundays is spending time with his friends from work.I also have an 8 year old he is fantastic helping out with his brother he will make some one a good husband some day :) Thats where I think it starts teaching boys to be good parents there is so much money spent on little girls taking care of dolls and learning how to cook ....parenting is so much easier when both of the parents can do it.