How can i stop my 3 1/2 month old Daughter from not wanting to be held all the time ?

Christina - posted on 12/11/2011

i don't care what anyone says, you can spoil a baby. with my two oldest, 6 and 2, i held them alot as babies and they continue to be needy and clingy. with my youngest, 1 year, i was determined to do things differently because i couldn't have another clingy child. with him i only held him when i was feeding him, changing him, and bathing him. he loves me to death and sometimes he wants to sit with me, but for the most part he does his own thing and is able to play by himself. your daughter is still young, let her cry sometimes or trying finding different toys to keep her attention. its hard to listen to your baby cry, trust me, i had two that i couldn't stand to see crying but in the end she'll be more independent and you'll get alot more done :D

Ashley - posted on 12/11/2011

I know it's hard because you don;t want to have them cry but then it's hard on you to.. layout a blanket and toys around.. rattles ect. I personally gave in until she was 10 months old then started to show her. She would cry but get use to it. I think 31/2 months is to little to let them cry but it's all up to you. Hang in there mommy xoxo

Helene - posted on 12/10/2011

Mother, O' Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth.
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek - peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo.
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Kristina - posted on 12/03/2011

You can't spoil a little baby - lots of experts say that newborns need to be cuddled and held a lot in order to feel secure and independent later in life. I have a Moby wrap and it is SO helpful - and my daughter loves it! They cost about $35 at Target - totally worth the $. It comes with an instruction book, but there are lots of youtube videos and vidoes on the moby website that will help you figure out how to use it properly. Your baby will be happier when you put her down if you hold her when she wants to be held. Most times my daughter falls sound asleep within 5 minutes of being in the Moby, snuggled up against my chest. it mimicks being in the womb and is very comforting for them. I highly reccommend it.

Anika - posted on 11/30/2011

Its seems horrible putting them to bed screaming i know my nearly 2 year old still gives it a good go..and i dont think you can spoil a babe with hugs but it can spoil mums sanity(i know this feeling also).. do remember that babys are very clever especially girls after four kids three of which are girls i have noticed,if shes healthy and happy she will be fine having a good cry and she will eventually settle herself...hug as much as you like otherwise as long as your getting time out for mum:) shes not spoiled she just knows that shes got a good thing going and getting hugs for sleepy time...:)

Alysia - posted on 11/29/2011

You cant over spoil your child. But what I did with my daughter Rebekah and it took me a while to do it but you have to be strong about it is let her cry and if she doesn't stop crying in 5 to 10 minutes then go check on her. But I did that with my daughter and when they are that young you can't over spoil them.

Sean M - posted on 11/29/2011

i have the same problem with my now 7 month old son he always wants held i got a sling but for goodness sake is 28 inches long when i walk i am always kicking his legs and my two year old is no help with the situation i am not sure what to tell u other than enjoy holding her while u dont have anything to do but when u have to sling her and all should be okay

Amber - posted on 11/29/2011

According to my ped you can't spoil a baby. Pick her up if she cries, he said about my own DD. she's 5 now.

Pamela - posted on 11/29/2011

Just to add we had a regular routine at bed time and nap time with my son and he self soothed himself to sleep, he played with his hair.

He learned self soothing just fine but when he needed mom he needed mom.

To this day (now just about 4 years old) he still plays with his own hair and others hair to self sooth and still very much enjoys snuggle time with mom and dad. He doesn't 'need' it as often, now talking with mom and dad is just as good.

Pamela - posted on 11/29/2011

When my son was first born his dad was just doing a few university courses to validate his foreign engineering degree.

We were worried about them getting enough bonding time so in the evenings while he studied he wore the snuggli with our son in it. They were both a lot happier once we decided to do that.

When my son was first born I was always holding him when he was awake and often while he slept. If I needed my hands free he went into the snuggli. If he actively needed mommy time then dinner's late because my baby needs me, dad can make it when he gets home. I didn't go out to do much of any shopping, me and baby stayed here while dad went shopping OR, dad and baby stayed home while I went.

You have a baby now and need to work around your baby's needs, not make them work around your preferred activities/schedule.

At that age, it's not spoiled. Some babies do self entertain better but it doesn't mean they still don't need the snuggles.

Interesting story a mom gave birth to twins. The doctors declared one of the twins dead. The mom held the 'dead baby' against her chest (skin to skin) contact. In a short while the baby was latching onto mom and eating.

Never underestimate the power of snuggles.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/29/2011

Thats what babies do. Its so good to hold your baby, and to "spoil" them when they are this little. Its bad for their immune system and their self confidence later in life, if you dont hold them when they r this little. I didnt let my babies, "cry it out", untill they were past 6 months. even then, I would only do that if I was absolutly indisposed. Enjoy holding your little one, they grow up so fast and before you know it, dont want to cuddle as much.

Brandy - posted on 11/29/2011

sorry but yes she is spoiled! my advice is stop now. all children need to learn how to soothe themselves. crying isnt a bad thing. you want your child to learn things and not depend on you or become one of those clingy kids you see at 3 years old still being carried everywhere. let her cry. believe me she wont cry forever. she will get tired and fall asleep. it will take a week or so but if your strong and know she isnt hungry or have a dirty diaper let her soothe herself. i have 3 kids. ages 1, 2, and 4. -they are all independent children.

Lisa - posted on 11/29/2011

You can get swaddles for different age/size babies, i would recommend them 100%, my first daughter wouldn't sleep well at all without being swaddled at night right up to 11 months, she just loved it x

Serafine - posted on 11/29/2011

Have you tried swaddling? I hear it makes them feel safer/held and psychologically eases the transition from the womb. Maybe too old for that I'm not sure.
You'll see that in most ancient cultures, mothers either swaddle or sling babies to get their work done. That way the baby is either in comfort hold or close to mother's heartbeat and learning the rhythms of a new life.

Lexi - posted on 11/29/2011

My 2nd son is the same way. My first was to an extent but he tolerated being apart from me better and once he was asleep I could put him down more easily. #2 is 7 weeks old now and I very rarely can put him down without him throwing a fit. Even at night, if I get out of bed he is almost guaranteed to wake up screaming for me. He will tolerate a few minutes of tummy time or swing time now and then but not very long. He just wants to be held. He prefers me but is content with my husband or other close family members too. A sling, moby wrap, or baby born type carrier is a life saver at this stage!! #1 spent most of his days in a pouch style sling until he got too big, then I used a hip carrier. With this baby I am liking my infantino version of the baby bjorn best. It keeps him held close to me when I have to bend over. I really wanted a moby wrap and an Ergo carrier but they aren't in the budget at the moment. Whatever the style of carrier you use, getting your hands free will make life so much easier and keep baby happy. Just be aware of what you're cooking and if it's something that can splatter grease or hot water, put her down while you do that step. Sometimes I just have to listen to a couple minutes of screaming while I deal with something.



As much as I love them, at times I get frustrated and just want to not have a child in my arms for a few brief moments. I read an article that called it being "over touched" and that describes it perfectly. I love both my boys but if by some miracle I'm able to put the baby down, the need clingy two year old is frantic to have me to himself. Usually I have them both in my lap most of the day. If you start feeling that frantic, panicy almost claustraphobic "just get her off me" frustration, it helps to have someone else take over and give you a break. Take a bath, go for a walk, lay down and read for a few minutes and get some time and your body to yourself for awhile.

Carol - posted on 11/28/2011

Who ever started the rumor that young babies are spoiled needs to be hit. My daughter is nearly 2, at times i can't leave the room, this was when her teething got so bad she would end up sick for a week, and she would cry because i would comfort her. Your baby is only 3 and a half months, if you need to sling her, strap that baby on. I never slinged my daughter, she hated them and freaked out in it, and so did i. Sometimes all oyu need it to have baby in sight, so she can see you. My daughter as a baby loved sitting in her high chair when i cooked, she could see me and knew i wasn't goign to disappear.

Jennifer - posted on 11/28/2011

I agree completely with slinging her. She is not spoiled, she is a baby! I learned after my first that slinging was the only way I could get things done! My second was always always always in a sling. They Are 4 and almost 6 now and are most definitely not spoiled. And personally I'd rather slings baby than listen to her screaming and making me want to rip my hair out!

Erica - posted on 11/28/2011

Spoiled no, understand that she has been snuggled and held tightly in the womb and she misses that. I'm sure she loves the closeness. Make sure that she doesn't have any issues such as reflux and or lactose intolerance. There are other symptoms that go along with that but it can cause babies to want to be held more than usual and be inconsolable.

If it isn't something that can be fixed with a visit to the dr then try accommodating her needs wear her while doing housework. I used my moby wrap with my second daughter and it was great! Start working towards laying her down while drowsy so that she learns to fall asleep on her own. She won't love it, but if you work towards it now it will be less difficult later. I don't advocate crying it out so much and especially at such a young age.

My daughter loved to be rocked to sleep and be snuggled. That all had to change when she was a year old she broke her leg and I couldn't get her laid down and keep her asleep because the leg in the cast would plop heavily on the mattress sending her into tears. At that point I let her cry but I stayed near her crib and held her hand by the second night she fussed less than ten mins and was out.
Have patience..if she is anything like my girls you will need it. If you start weaning her off now it will be much easier than when she has had a few more months to settle into a routine.

Hope I didn't repeat too much, typing on my phone and it's hard to review it all. I find older generations feel You will spoil a baby by holding them too much. Enough people know now that it is beneficial to hold and give your baby lots of attention. I'd recommend reading the happiest baby on the block I found it helpful with my first born.

Good luck! Love on that baby lots, and build the habits you will be able to keep up with from now on. Mommy needs ME time at some point and you cant always be connected.

Rachel - posted on 11/28/2011

Hmmm... it appears to me that you have a baby! With needs! She needs you! She's not spoiled in your arms. My kids are ALWAYS held as babies. ALWAYS. They are 4, 2 and 3 months now. The toddlersare EXTREMELY independent and the baby is very easy. She knows I will meet her needs so she doesn't feel the need to scream. My son was a screamer but my other two have always been easy babies because they know that their source of security: me, will always be there for them. They'll be independent sooner than we'd like. Enjoy the dependent times!

Diane - posted on 11/28/2011

She is 3 1/2 MONTHS old not 3 1/2 years. You are her mum and you know what she needs. My dd is a perfectly well adjusted 4 /2 year old now who could not sleep during the day unless she was cuddled to sleep or driven to sleep. It used to drive me to distraction that I couldn't do anything. She needs you at the moment and that is fine. She knows how important you are to her basic survival.

The best buy i can suggest is a baby-sling. She can cuddle with her face to your tummy and get the comfort she so desperately needs and you can still get on and do things. The best £20 i ever spent was on one of these for my daughter. Stick with it and you'll give her the confidence she needs to become a confident toddler and child - she'll know you're always there for her.

Jessica - posted on 11/28/2011

You can NOT spoil a baby that young. They were in you for 9 months and were one day just taken out. She just needs the security and warmth of mom. Get one of those harnesses to wear her on you and use it around the house.

Monique - posted on 11/28/2011

Absolutely not. Read or watch the DVD "The Happiest Baby on the Block". It will answer a lot of your questions and if you can either put her in a baby carrier and safely prepare dinner (away) from any heat sources. Enjoy it! They grow fast!

Crystal - posted on 11/28/2011

i think you should hold her until she stops crying...after that wrap her in a blanket really really tight then hold her for another say 10 minutes then try and put her in a swing to where there is the feeling that she is being held tight and moving around too.. this is what works for me.. my daughter is 2months old and she does the same thing and if it doesnt work it doesnt hurt to let her cry... they are suppose to cry sometimes.. it isnt going to kill her trust me...i have a 3 1/2 year old that walks and does his own thing and i have a 19month old that still wants to be held while im holding my 2 month old... you will eventually find a way to do something so that you are able to get stuff done i promise... try everything that everyone has suggested and out of all these replys you should find one that works but this is what works for me... sorry about your troubles... i know what your going through...
♥ crystal.. p.s. hope ive helped u out..

Nicole - posted on 11/28/2011

Hello, I have 2 kids and did not have this problem with either, but I do know what it is like to deal with crying babies. I think it has become an open parenting metod to not let babies cry. I know it pulls on the heart strings but sometimes they need to cry to understand that they will not always get picked up if they do. Now there is attached parenting, but I do not think it safe to wear a baby in a sling while you are cooking.. A lot worse things can happen. I am also not a huge fan of attached parenting my kids always slept in their cribs from birth, and I always laid them down before they were asleep so they were comfortable in going to sleep on their own.

Now their could be other issues for when you lay her down. She could have acid re flux which would give her a belly ache if she is not laying on an incline. I would talk to her doctor about this too because babies that cry often could have colic. If none of these are the problem, then if you haven't already, try swaddling. If she likes to be held it could very well be that she needs to feel the protection of the womb. Swaddling can help with sleep issues and eve separation anxiety. I hope this helps, and that you find the right answers and techniques for your baby!

Holley - posted on 11/28/2011

My son was the same way and he is 3 going on 4 years old. What I did when he was like that was i would put him in the same room with me so he could see me and we could talk. I would also play music that i new he like. Jujst start trying different things and see what works and no she is not spoiled but if you do keep doing that when she gets older she will start to think ok if i do this mommy will to this and you dont want that.

Lisa - posted on 11/28/2011

Drives me insane when people say they are spoiled. My first daughter who is now two, was exactly the same. She just wanted to be with her Mommy & have snuggles and plenty of love. She was like that for months. I too would use a sling when i needed to be doing things. Just enjoy the moment and give her the attention and warmth she is wanting, because before you know it, she will be doing her best get away from you and get into everything else. lol. Congratulations on your daughter......enjoy every minute of it xoxox

Jade - posted on 11/28/2011

hey hun my daughter used to be like that wen she was born shes now 13 weeks old and is out of being like that now as i just learnt to let her cry herself to sleep and not hold her wen she was asleep she used to wake up wen i put her down to but i got a swingin chair for her and it works a treat now she just goes in that with the swinging on and goes to sleep no problem with her thumb in her mouth as she wont have a dummy lol my son was never like this, it will get better hun just got to be patient x

Jane - posted on 11/27/2011

Have you considered getting a pouch or a sling so you can hold her but still have your hands free to cook or do whatever you need to? That's what I did with my son and it worked well.

Tabitha - posted on 11/27/2011

My son was like this too, he wouldn't even nap during the day unless I held him. I thought I was going to go nuts because I could not get anything else done. But my bestfriend encouraged me to enjoy this special time and bond with my baby, chores can wait and there is always frozen dinners if all else fails. My son is now 2 and does not require constant holding and is able to play with his toys by himself, so now I am able to get other chores done thank goodness.

Brittany - posted on 11/27/2011

Pick her up the dinner can wait. She is a baby and will only be little for a short period of time. I'm a mother of 4 my youngest is 6 months old. You can not spoil a baby. Nothing else matters right now just enjoy your baby.

Michelle - posted on 11/27/2011

My son is going to be 10 months on Dec.3 and he still always wants to be held. When he was younger his vibrating bouncy seat was my savior. That was the only thing that would get me free from him. That worked until he was 5 months then he outgrew it. I got him to sleep without being held by putting him down just before he fell asleep. He started sleeping all night at 4 months. He is such a momma's boy though. It also may just be her personality. Right now she does not know that you will come back if you leave her sight which could be one reason why she doesn't like to be put down. When she starts getting tired, don't wait until she falls asleep to put her down. Let her fuss for a few minutes, it is okay. Don't let her get to the point of screaming though. Every baby is different , and maybe you need to try attached parenting and get a sling and just wear her while you do your housework and what not.

Jane - posted on 11/27/2011

Hi Crystal,
I had that same problem with my son. I got something that like a blankie or a baby cloth for him. so he got use to that smell every time i put him to bed :D all u do is when she wants to be with u and wants to sleep in ur arms or on ur chest then u put that cloth or stuff anímal under her head, in about 1 weeks time u can put her there with it and u can do the house chorse without her waking up. i hope this helps u. best of luck.

Haven - posted on 11/27/2011

If all your baby does is cry there might be a medical reason why. Take her to a pediatrition for a check-up. In the mean time stick her in a sling, that way you can have your hands free!!!!

Good-Luck

Bridget - posted on 11/27/2011

I don't think anyone can be spoiled with love and affection. I am a massage therapist and touch is very important even into adulthood. Love doesn't spoil anyone. A spoiled child is something very negative, they expect to get everything the want as far as things and I believe your more likely to have a spoiled child by not holding her when she is young because she will be looking to other things for comfort instead of people. That is just what makes sense to me. I have three kids ages 1,3 and 5 and they all are very loving and affectionate, but know that things need to get done.

If dinner is your biggest problem, maybe you could prepare and freeze all your dinners for the week in advance so all you have to do is put them in the oven. She is small enough that you should be able to find someone to hold her for that. Or if you have a husband you could have him make dinner. Tell him if he doesn't than it's peanut butter sandwiches and salad for the next few months. It might be easier to train the husband than the baby.

Do you have a swing? Up until my kids were 8 or 9 months they had all of there naps and sometimes nights in the swing. Maybe you could borrow one and see if that works for her, or you can get one on craigslist.

The only other thing I can add to what all these fine woman have said, is that if none of that works, take her to a chiropractor. Birth is very traumatic for a baby and they can get subluxations in there bones that really bother them. You could also take an infant massage class to calm her before putting her to bed.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that helped.

Veena - posted on 11/27/2011

I am sorry honey, I do not have a child yet, so I dont fully understand your stress. I do know, however, that one cannot spoil a baby as a matter of medical fact. They simply lack the neuro pathways and synapses in their brain to get spioled. She cannot be spoiled any more that she can breathe under water. These are things that she physically cannot do regardless of the choices you make. Tell all those people who say you are spoiling her to read up a little on psyiology and child development

Sarah - posted on 11/24/2011

I have three children 6, 5 and 22 months old. My youngest wanted to held all the time I think all babies do but I didn't give in. I put her in her swing to do things then when she was a couple months old i would give her tummy time which she hated. She was more difficult but My family and I still did not hold her all the time. She would cry but she also has to learn to soothe herself. I wouldn't let her cry for hours or anything like that but i would let her cry for like 15. She ended up liking tummy time adventually and she learned to soothe herself in time. It hard because you don't want to hear them crying but at the same time you don't want them to get spoiled. Plus you need to be able to do things like make dinner and clean etc. Good LUck!

Anna - posted on 11/23/2011

Babies under one year of age are NOT spoiled no matter what they do. They cry because they have a physical need to be held and protected. They thrive on human touch and comfort. Crying is a baby's way of communicating his needs with you. Try wearing your baby in a baby carrier, that way you can go about your business and keep your baby happy.

Sarah-Anne - posted on 11/23/2011

wear her. get a ring sling, moby, kozy carrier, anything that will allow her to be close to you but still allow you to have your hands free. some babies are independent like my daughter was, but other like my nephew want to be held and swaddled. i now wear my nephew (6 months) on my back when i take care of him. When we go out for a walk or grocery shopping or to the mall, i wear my 25 pound 2.5 yo on my back and my nephew on my front if i have him too. keeps the little one quiet to be close and it keeps the older one from getting into trouble.

Liz - posted on 11/23/2011

Yeah its annoying but shes a baby and needs the comfort. Helena once cried for 3 and a half hours even though we were holding her its just a phase don't worry. If you need to do something that requires 2 hands then put her down to do it if she cries she cries its not going to kill her. Your baby is not spoiled at all she just wants love.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/22/2011

My 8 month old is the same as how Brittany's daughter was. She hates being left along for too long and until she could sit up and play with her toys at 5 months nothing could get her to let me get some time to myself.

Brittany - posted on 11/22/2011

Sounds like mine. It took her until she was about 5 1/2-6 months to be ok being put down with some toys. For me a carrier didn't work. It wasn't good enough for her.

Even now at 2 my daughter is a huge cuddle muffin, and is always at my side. At the same time she goes off and plays on her own.

Lindsay - posted on 11/22/2011

I subscribe to Dr. Sears, who says that there is no such thing as spoiling a baby. Your baby wants to be held because she is completely dependent on you right now. I highly recommend a baby carrier, particularly a wrap-style. It was the only way that I had free hands when my daughter was a baby. (And no, at three she does not want to be held all the time.) Hang in there! Many of us have been there and we know you only want to do what's best for your baby.

Bonnie - posted on 11/22/2011

I have and will do the same as Emma and Meggy. Either use the exersaucer or a rocker and place it in the kitchen. They feel better knowing you are right there.

Kyleigh - posted on 11/21/2011

i bought the aquarium fisher price for my dd when she was 3 months old and she would just stare away the hanging fish globes and swat at them, it was really too cute!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/21/2011

I put mine in her excersaucer so she could see me. If I tried to put her stroller in my itty bitty apartment kitchen, it just wouldn't be fun. My baby can at least see me from her excersaucer in the front room and I play peek a boo when I go out of her line of vision to make her laugh.

Another thing is that every baby is different. My older daughter was such an easy going baby. She could amuse herself for hours.

Stifler's - posted on 11/21/2011

Cooking time is when they start getting cranky lol I put mine in the pram in the kitchen while I cooked so they could see what I was doing

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/21/2011

I honestly can't get my husband to go along with that. I believe a few minutes of crying won't hurt. But you shouldn't let it go for more than 3 minutes

Natasha - posted on 11/21/2011

@Hayley after a few days they don't 'learn how to be on their own'. After a few days THEY GIVE UP! Why bother crying when no one is going to come rescue me? Why do mommies feel the need to be distant and 'train' their kids? They're just babies! They need to be loved and cuddled and feel safe! Leaving them to cry is dangerous. Please go read up on the effects of 'cry it out' before using this.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 11/21/2011

I use the K'tan myself. It's probably my favourite too. And it's great and I even made it through one of Toronto's airports wearing my then 3 month old and pushing her stroller filled with baby and 7 year old things

Natasha - posted on 11/21/2011

I haven't read through all the comments but have you tried baby wearing? Look up different wraps or slings that you can carry baby around in while you do things. I've heard Ergo is a good brand.