How do I get my husband to help out more without nagging.

Athena - posted on 06/04/2009 ( 21 moms have responded )

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We just had our first child together this March. At two months I am back to work and working 12 hr shifts. He has tried to do his best to watch him at night when I am at work. I Feel bad b/c it just is not coming natural to him. I tell him to keep him to the rutine that I have him at when I am here...but he continues to "skip " giving the baby a bath and then the baby keeps him up until as late as 3 am...and he has to be up at 5:30 in the morning.



When I am here he just flakes out and it's like he forgets about the household needs. Like mom is here so I can veg out. I run all over the place trying to cook and bringing him his plate and drink and then I have to wait to eat b/c now that I have spent the past hour cooking and catching up on things b/c he is here now...the baby is hungry. When i ask him t o hold the baby he just sighs really heavy and makes me feel like he is being bothered.





I know that he tries, but he has a computer addiction that drives me insane sometimes. He has a bad habbit of leaving things all over the floor; like using the floor for storage space for his "stuff". I keep kicking things in the night when I have to get up with the baby. As if I thought it was never possible, he is even more lazy now than before the baby at times. When he does clean up something it's like he "had to" do it because I didn't so the world must be ending..lol

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Jenesis - posted on 06/05/2009

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This sounds sooo firmiliar to me. When I had my son me and my boyfriend werent married but we had been together all through college, about 4 years before our son came. When our son did come it was like I was taking care of two children, I was completely overwhelmed and he was oblivious. We ended up seperating when our son was 6 months old and it was actually easier that way because he was still sooo immature. My best advices is to keep an open line of communication and to remember that man or people for that matter are not mind readers so ask him for his help. I know it's sad because they should already know but they dont, so ask.

Julia - posted on 06/05/2009

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i'm so glad i'm not alone in this! my fiance has had a hard time adjusting to being a father for awhile now (our first is 6months old). he definitely has his video game addiciton as it seems a lot of men do. and when i ask him to look after the baby while i get somethings done around the house (cleaning, cooking etc) he often sticks him in his exersaucer and basically ignores him unless i come in to check on him. he has been getting much better though and rarely does this as much as he used to, and knows that he doesn't really have time for himself and appreciates that i don't either. but it definitely is really hard to adjust and some men (mine included) become babies themselves! it's almost as if they're jealous or something. ha!

good luck to everyone with this issue, but i think that most men enjoy being parents they just have to get used to it (and it may take them YEARS to get used to. urgh. good thing we are all strong women!).

Angela - posted on 06/05/2009

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Quoting Veronica:

"Treat your husband how you want him to be, and he will become that"     i agree with this being that my husband told me this himself  and even though he might not do as well as you would, still thank him for the effort. offer suggestions on more effective ways to clean or deal with the baby and if he doesnt catch on immediatley just keep trying, but if you try the stop cleaning and stop doing something methods you're going to be very upset and very frustrated. another good book is the
" love dare " from the fireproof movie and " his and her needs " which are two books that you're supposed to read together. which helps you to be more perceptive to what your spouse is feeling and vise versa.

Angela - posted on 06/05/2009

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my husband and i use to have a lot of problems with him playing video games instead of helping with our three girls. he works third shift and i work first so a try to be understanding that he gets tierd too. so we created a routine that allowed us both downtime. we take turns bathing the kids, if he cooks then i wash dishes sometimes while he's cooking so that when we're done we can sit down to eat together. i had to get him to realize that in a marraige with two working parents, there are no his and her responsibilities. he washes i fold which gives him the time to get on the computer and do other stuff while they're washing. we pick common days for choirs like cleaning the bathroom so it doesnt feel like we're always cleaning. and you should calmly discuss how it makes you feel and how he's feeling. my husband and i use to do a lot of yelling when we first had our daughter ur always tierd and emotional. but talking instead of just crying helped us a lot.

Veronica - posted on 06/05/2009

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This is really a huge problem in society. Men think just because the work, that the household and parenting isnt their responsibility -- that to me is bs! My husband has almost a half an hour drive to work every day, and he doesnt get home til midnight. (he leaves at 1:30/2 pm) So i have from 1:30 til 7:30/8 all by myself to A) run my business B) take care of five kids C)clean/suppertime/clean/bathtime/bedtime -- and believe me it isnt easy!! 5 kids under the age of 6 is very hard - running around, screaming, someones is almost always crying about unshared toys, unfairness, hitting, fighting over what color cup they wanted at the dinner table, who got more or less of something - an 8 mo. old who is still very dependent on me, etc. A lot of demands all day!! I would complain to my hubby all the time that i just cannot get anything done, and almost never get time to myself! By time the kids are in bed, i am sooo exhausted, im just done for the day. He wasn't considering that i needed time away from the kids or anything -- so i had to point out that he has that almost half an hour drive to work - by himself - his job is fairly simple and he gets a lot of breaks - by himself - and by time he gets home (its midnight) the kids are in bed, he doesnt have to worry about anything! So i made that point very clear to him == and i told him 'i totally appreciate that you are working to support me and the kids - that im able to remain a stay at home mom - but that doesnt mean that your responsibilities are no longer required of you-- this is his home and those are his children' He may as well have moved out then -- I was basically a single mother anyways!! However - when he does help out or does stuff with the kids, i praise him for it, i want him to keep doing it! I heard this saying once before - and its totally true, it really works : "Treat your husband how you want him to be, and he will become that" In other words, you treat him like an a**hole, he will be one. You treat him like he's the best (even if he really isnt) he will become the best. -- I guess its all about attitude, and making a stand and putting your foot down too. As far as the computer problems -- i wouldnt allow all that time spent on a computer. My husband comes on here and listens to some music for a while, then he's off to do whatever -- we dont let each other on the computer all the time - there are things that need to be done. I would set a time limit on it - why should he go to work, then come home and be on that all the time? where's the family time? where's the household time? You just need to sincerely express yourself, using the "I feel like (feeling), when you.... " Remember he may rule the roost, but you are the one that maintains that roost for him to rule on. I dont know how helpful im being if any. It either is or it isnt. And like my great grandmother used to tell me: "You've gotta grab the bull by the horns" Oh - and if he doesnt like it, and wants to leave -- tell him 'fine there's the door' -- either he'll leave or he won't - you have to remember you are important too- and if he cant' respect you, and help you, and love you unconditionally - then better off without him. I dont NEED my husband - he's is not the air that i breath - he is my partner and equal and thats how he's going to treat me, or bye bye im a person too. and i give my all to him - he should be doing the same thing back! Ok, i have to stop talking now, i get so wrapped up in this issue!

Athena - posted on 06/04/2009

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Quoting Nicci:

OMG, i can relate! I have the same exact issues with my husband. I cry, I talk, I yell so far nothing has really gotten the point across. He was great in the beginning but for the past 6 months or so the computer thing has become even more of an issue and can someone explain why men can put their clothes beside the hamper but not in it?



yeah, I have that problem too...so I got rid of the hamper.  If I am going to pick them up off of the floor then...so be it..no hamper then.  Now I just gather stuff up and throw it in the hamper beside the washer.  When I get a load together in there, then I do laundry. 

Lisa - posted on 06/04/2009

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I find that the best way to deal with it is both of you need to be doing something at the same time. For example while you cook he watches the baby, while you do the dishes he tidies the living room or bathes the baby etc. Try to have a time limit, for example at 8, we leave what is left and have some time to oursleves. Maybe get a sitter one evening a week to come over and take care of the baby for a few hours while you do catch up. The fact of the matter is having a baby is really hard, even harder if niether one of you has the option of staying home and devoting your day to the household and baby. Its impossibleto be wonder woman so go easy on yourself, we have all been there! Just do your best, thats the best you can do! Good Luck!

Athena - posted on 06/04/2009

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Quoting Nicci:

OMG, i can relate! I have the same exact issues with my husband. I cry, I talk, I yell so far nothing has really gotten the point across. He was great in the beginning but for the past 6 months or so the computer thing has become even more of an issue and can someone explain why men can put their clothes beside the hamper but not in it?



yeah, I have that problem too...so I got rid of the hamper.  If I am going to pick them up off of the floor then...so be it..no hamper then.  Now I just gather stuff up and throw it in the hamper beside the washer.  When I get a load together in there, then I do laundry. 

Jennifer - posted on 06/04/2009

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Wow, I know exactly wut ur talking about!!! Me and my boyfriend had our 1st child 2 months ago and currently I stay home with her and he works evenings. Its tough because he used to be the clean freak and now he always has an excuse. Either he doesn't want to do it before work because he just wants to relax or after work he's tired and again just wants to relax. He doesn't have a computer problem however, but his friends are included in everything he does, he cant go 1 day without seeing them honestly. And he looks at it like I'm just sitting on my rump all day, like taking care of a newborn is so easy, oh if he could just sit at home all day doing nothing he says...MEN!! It's so funny because when he's holding the baby he can't even get himself something to drink, yet I'm expected to watch the baby do the grocery shopping all of the cleaning still make dinner and at some point find time to shower! Not that I find it extremely hard its just also not that easy and I'm not just sitting on my "rump". My mom however is in a worse situation than you. Her husband for the most part doesnt work, he never cleans anything and his way of watching their 5 year old is sitting in their room on the computer while she fends for herself...so she doesn't ever get a break. Its a tough call.

Shelly - posted on 06/04/2009

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I think women have been tackling these problems for many many years and I have yet to find the solution. Good luck to all!!

Athena - posted on 06/04/2009

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Quoting Nicci:

OMG, i can relate! I have the same exact issues with my husband. I cry, I talk, I yell so far nothing has really gotten the point across. He was great in the beginning but for the past 6 months or so the computer thing has become even more of an issue and can someone explain why men can put their clothes beside the hamper but not in it?



yeah, I have that problem too...so I got rid of the hamper.  If I am going to pick them up off of the floor then...so be it..no hamper then.  Now I just gather stuff up and throw it in the hamper beside the washer.  When I get a load together in there, then I do laundry. 

Athena - posted on 06/04/2009

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Quoting Nicci:

OMG, i can relate! I have the same exact issues with my husband. I cry, I talk, I yell so far nothing has really gotten the point across. He was great in the beginning but for the past 6 months or so the computer thing has become even more of an issue and can someone explain why men can put their clothes beside the hamper but not in it?



yeah, I have that problem too...so I got rid of the hamper.  If I am going to pick them up off of the floor then...so be it..no hamper then.  Now I just gather stuff up and throw it in the hamper beside the washer.  When I get a load together in there, then I do laundry. 

Athena - posted on 06/04/2009

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Quoting Veronica:

Do it together -- 'can you please help?' or "id appreciate a hand" -- showing him you are willing to tackle it as a team - im a stay at home mom - but i still have my husband helping me out - he does dishes, some nights he opts to cook (when he is off of work), and he has no qualms about laundry. Things do get hectic, and there are a lot of times that he doesnt help at all. Then he started getting on my case -- and got on my case about parenting too -- I simply told him that "You dont contribute, so you have no right to criticize" My husband had a tendancy to leave dishes and garbage an laundry laying around - so i said once to him: You know i have enough with picking up after our kids and myself, why should i have the responsibility of picking up after a grown man? - please throw your garbage away, throw your clothes in the hamper, and dishes at least on the cupboard or in the sink ------ he still throws the clothes on the floor - but has been keeping up otherwise. Now a days we cant do it by ourselves anymore -- we need help - dont be afraid to voice what you have to say - but gently and lovingly while getting the point across on how YOU feel, and not blaming him.



You know, I was thinking about that the other day...you know we used to do things together...but I have found that at times it is much better to do SOME things by myself.  You are right though...it wouldn't hurt him to come in here and wash dishes with me or to put up the laundry after I have folded it.  It is as if he just expects me to do it so he can "play" on the computer all night. 



I kid you not...I see the back of his head most of the evening...He turns his head just enough to act like he "cares" about what we are doing.  He might spend 1 whole hour during the night with us looking at us and having actual contact.  I have aske him so amny times to be my partner..that we are a team " i need your help"...but he gets all crazy..."well, I'll do my own !*%$!! laundry then."  All I am asking is for him to put it up..not wash/dry/fold it..just put it up. UGH!. :P

Athena - posted on 06/04/2009

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Quoting Nicci:



Quoting Sarah:

I would suggest not cleaning or picking up his stuff, period :D Maybe if it starts building up it'll get too messy even for him:D You might have to put up with the mess for a little bit, though :D And it's not your "job" to pick up after a grown man anyway. Your his wife, not his slave right? :D:D Best of luck! :D:D






I have tried that approach, so far no luck with it working. I tell him i'm not your maid and I shouldn't be responsible for clearing your place at the table or picking up your trash or picking up your clothes because you can't put them with the dirty ones but it's in one ear and out the other...When I skip out on house work to make a point he just says maybe his expectations are too high, which makes me feel like a crappy wife. SIGH, oh well.






Yeah, so have I...and all I get is "Blah blah..you just don't care about anything do you" or stuff like "I would think you would want our home to look nice"...Yeah, I would think that you would too...you big dork of a man.... :(

Veronica - posted on 06/04/2009

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Do it together -- 'can you please help?' or "id appreciate a hand" -- showing him you are willing to tackle it as a team - im a stay at home mom - but i still have my husband helping me out - he does dishes, some nights he opts to cook (when he is off of work), and he has no qualms about laundry. Things do get hectic, and there are a lot of times that he doesnt help at all. Then he started getting on my case -- and got on my case about parenting too -- I simply told him that "You dont contribute, so you have no right to criticize" My husband had a tendancy to leave dishes and garbage an laundry laying around - so i said once to him: You know i have enough with picking up after our kids and myself, why should i have the responsibility of picking up after a grown man? - please throw your garbage away, throw your clothes in the hamper, and dishes at least on the cupboard or in the sink ------ he still throws the clothes on the floor - but has been keeping up otherwise. Now a days we cant do it by ourselves anymore -- we need help - dont be afraid to voice what you have to say - but gently and lovingly while getting the point across on how YOU feel, and not blaming him.

Jocelyn - posted on 06/04/2009

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lol i can relate to your situation!
my husband use to leave his dvd and video games lying around on the floor, so i would pick them up and hide them! he never noticed that many where missing, i'd take his favorites, and go a little crazy searching lol.
and if he won't help you with the baby while you are cooking, start cooking for only yourself, you are not his mom, he's a big boy and should be able to help out or fend for himself.
good luck, but remember he's only a man lol, (apparently it take YEARS to get them to do house work)

Nicci - posted on 06/04/2009

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Quoting Sarah:

I would suggest not cleaning or picking up his stuff, period :D Maybe if it starts building up it'll get too messy even for him:D You might have to put up with the mess for a little bit, though :D And it's not your "job" to pick up after a grown man anyway. Your his wife, not his slave right? :D:D Best of luck! :D:D



I have tried that approach, so far no luck with it working. I tell him i'm not your maid and I shouldn't be responsible for clearing your place at the table or picking up your trash or picking up your clothes because you can't put them with the dirty ones but it's in one ear and out the other...When I skip out on house work to make a point he just says maybe his expectations are too high, which makes me feel like a crappy wife. SIGH, oh well.

Nicci - posted on 06/04/2009

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Quoting Kirsten:

That's a tough one. I definitely recommend the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage." It has a lot of good ideas and some very humorous stories that both you and your husband will learn from. One thing that works for my husband and I is to give each other set "alone time" each day. I get an hour and he gets a hour and then we know the rest of the evening we are both working together to take care of all the stuff that needs to get down with the house and the kids.



What a great idea!

Nicci - posted on 06/04/2009

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OMG, i can relate! I have the same exact issues with my husband. I cry, I talk, I yell so far nothing has really gotten the point across. He was great in the beginning but for the past 6 months or so the computer thing has become even more of an issue and can someone explain why men can put their clothes beside the hamper but not in it?

Sarah - posted on 06/04/2009

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I would suggest not cleaning or picking up his stuff, period :D Maybe if it starts building up it'll get too messy even for him:D You might have to put up with the mess for a little bit, though :D And it's not your "job" to pick up after a grown man anyway. Your his wife, not his slave right? :D:D Best of luck! :D:D

[deleted account]

That's a tough one. I definitely recommend the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage." It has a lot of good ideas and some very humorous stories that both you and your husband will learn from. One thing that works for my husband and I is to give each other set "alone time" each day. I get an hour and he gets a hour and then we know the rest of the evening we are both working together to take care of all the stuff that needs to get down with the house and the kids.

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