How do I make my 19 1/2 month old listen?

Jenni - posted on 02/11/2012

I personally only use timeouts for runaway emotions. ie: tantrums, hitting, throwing... as "cool down" time.



Redirection is my favourite tool for toddlers/preschoolers. Not to be confused with distraction. Redirection is showing them what they *can* do in place of the negative behaviour.



An example would be she wants to dig up the garden with you but she digging up your flowers. Show her an area she *can* dig. She wants to play in the dog's water dish. Let her play with the water in the other sink while you're washing dishes or take her to the bathtub to play in water. She wants to jump on the couch. Say: "The couch is for sitting on our bums. Let's jump on the floor instead."



I also use "red light". We play the game "red light, green light". So anytime I want the kids to stop in their tracks. I say "red light".



Also, try to leave some choices up to her to make. This will help satisfy her new found independence. Sometimes it's all in how you word things at this age. If you don't want getting dressed up for the debate. Don't ask. Instead say: "Time to get dressed! (not of for debate) Would you like to wear your fairy shirt or this stripped one? (add a choice to satisfy her need for independence).



Reserve "No!" For dangerous situations. That way it doesn't lose its effect. Try to phrase things in a positive way. If she wants to play with something, she *cant* say: "Oops, not for (her name). You can play with this! (equally cool object.)"

She wants a cookie before dinner. Instead of "You can't have a cookie now." Try: "Yum! That's a good idea! Let's have a cookie after dinner."



If you have to remove her from a potentially dangerous/harmful situation and she's not listening. Pick her up and remove her somewhere safe. She may have a fit but just sit with her until she is calm. Then tell her: "No. Danger."

Shauna - posted on 02/10/2012

At 19 1/2 months, time-outs should be about a minute or so, but I think it's nice when the parent who puts the kid in time out is the one to pull the kid back out for continuity and a reminder of the lesson again. I think you need to talk seriously about your parenting plan, because whatever it is, you have to be on the same plan.



Now is when they star with their whole independence thing, and they also push to make sure the boundaries stay the same. If she'd doing something wrong (banging the window like my 16 month old does) take the toy away. Or ask if she needs a time out and she'll likely say no, and then tell her that if she does ___ again she'll get a time out. However, keep in mind that no matter how consistent you are, it won't all go away at once. My son hasn't bitten much recently, thought we were over it, and he's trying again. Just try to stay patient but firm.

Sabrina - posted on 02/07/2012

I personally think that is too young of an age to do time outs. At that age they cannot completely understand the concept of such things. That is just me though. I have a 3 year old that still doesn't listen all the time and is completely developmentally able to understand punishement so I think it will be a process for you. I would say you and your husband must get on the same page with this child otherwise when the real discipline starts you are going to be in for bigger troubles then what you think you are having now. Good luck and God bless!

Kirsten - posted on 01/01/2012

The sooner you get on the same page with your husband on your parenting decisions and agreeing on how you want to raise her the better. Communication is key and parents are supposed to support each other and though you may not always agree on how to handle a situation, the ultimate goal should be agreed on by both parents. Just because people parent differently doesn't mean you can't support your spouse.

Halee - posted on 01/01/2012

hi ariel, my 16 month old daughter is the same with my laptop her father works with computers too so shes basically around them all the time , i found she just wants to be like mummy and her daddy , i went out and bought her a cheap toy laptop , from my local chemist it cost around $30 but im not sure if all chemists would sell them tho lol, are you in australia ? if so theres a site called freecycle (freecycle.org) they have a lot of stuff available on there to give away, you should try signing up on there and see if they have any kids laptops or the books you were looking for , let me know how you go :)

Ariel - posted on 12/31/2011

Her dad has been doing pretty good the last couple days about being on the same page as me, unfortunately, he decided to offer to take her outside and while I was getting her ready, he got a call to go golfing and chose to go. I'm pretty irritated by it because now I have a million things to do before I can take her outside and she's heartbroken. I'm so mad right now because I always tell my friends and family that they can wait or do something without me when I've already told her we'll be doing something. She hasn't been outside for a couple months because it's been too cold and she's been wanting out so badly. Of course, he doesn't see why I'm irritated but he also doesn't have to deal with her crying and trying to drag him to the door.

I do my best to stick to what I say with her and my family is a big hep with that, but it's so hard to get him to cooperate or even just give his opinion on something. I can say, "I don't want her doing that for this reason. What do you think?" And he'll shrug or say sure or just not respond at all. Or I can say, "I don't know if her doing this is okay" or "Do you think it's okay for her to eat this?" And he'll shrug. He won't tell me what he thinks of something until after I've already done it and then he's not actually telling me. He'll just do the opposite of what I've done. He's not been too bad the last couple of days. He's only done it once or twice, but it's still frustrating.

I've been doing timeouts until she's calmed down and I'll give her a couple minutes after that to try to fall asleep if she's tired but I've never tried starting her timeout after she's calmed down. I'll have to give it a try.

And it's okay for you to repeat information. :) Sometimes having it said in a slightly different way makes it easier to understand. Thanks!

Franny - posted on 12/31/2011

Just wanted to make a side note, sorry for repeating information you were already told, for some reason I couldn't see the previous posts. Anyways I hope it still helps.

Franny - posted on 12/31/2011

Number one you and your husband need to get on the same page and act like you are on the same team. This will make your life immensely easier because then you are both working towards the same goal instead of clashing with each other wasting time and energy.

Once you have that taken care of that you both need to come to agreement on a plan for correction/discipline and be consistent with both of your actions. Daddy can't come to the rescue if mommy is punishing them and vice versa, it underminds both of your authorities and your kid will learn that they can manipulate the situation to get what they want. It is so important to start setting a good foundation now or else you are going to have huge problems later and consistency is the key. A very exhausting key, but it works better than anything.

Finally tailor the punishment to the age. Five or ten minutes of timeout is a little over kill for a 19 month old, they don't have that long of an attention span. I usually round to the nearest year for time in timeout. (16 months = 1 minute, 18 months = 2 minutes) put them in explaining that they are being put in time out for (appropriate misbehavior here) and start the time when they are calm and it ends after they have stayed there calmly for the entire unbroken time. Get them out and explain again why they were put in timeout (no hugs or kisses because that is awarding bad behavior) and let them go about their business.

I hope this helps, good luck.

Kim - posted on 12/30/2011

Haha, that's cute. My daughter loves my phone too but it has ended up in the toilet a few times so she isn't allowed it anymore :) My daughter loves to cuddle her babies by grabbing it's head and hauling it like a suitcase lol. It's all apart of them learning but yes they have to learn the difference betweeen real and dolls :) Carrying a real baby by like a suitcase would be a big no no:) I love how excited they get to see babies. It's too cute.

Ariel - posted on 12/30/2011

That's a great idea! She only likes the pot and pan she has now because they make frying and boiling sounds when she puts them on her stove. Other than than, she doesn't play with them so I think she would love to have her own real ones.

As for phones, she always take mine away from me and hides it in weird places. She hid it under her bed once, in her dad's boots once, and she's put it in her wipes container a couple times and even in a little tissues bow that was half full of tissues. So I just turn up the volume, lock it, and let her take it.

I have to tell my daughter to stop shaking her babies because she'll hold them up by a leg and shake them and then throw them. My cousin just had a little girl so when my daughter met her, we had to keep telling her that this baby isn't a doll. She kept trying to pick her up but after we told her no a few times, she stopped trying to pick her up by her legs! She wanted to hold her so bad and kept saying, "Bebe! Bebe!" She would run into the kitchen the kitchen and yell, "Pawpaw! Pawpaw!" trying to get my dad's attention to come see the baby. I've never seen her so excited. :) She finally settled for sitting on my lap while I held the tiny baby.

Kim - posted on 12/30/2011

Maybe go to a second hand store and get her her own little pot and pan and a little spoon but put them in a cupboard that she can play in that way she thinks they are yours but you don't care if she plays with them. I have always found that they will always prefer the real thing rather than the toy version. My daugther has one of our old cellphones that we gave her to play with yet she still will always go for mine even though it looks the same. :) Always want what they can't have.

I do also agree with the trying not to say no. I always try and say things like "we can't throw the baby, but we can push it in it's stroller."

Ariel - posted on 12/30/2011

Thanks, Amber! I'll give the pan and spoon a try!

Ariel - posted on 12/30/2011

I keep my laptop in a recliner when I'm not on it and she never tries to mess with it and I'm not sure why because I know she can reach it. Her dad on the other hand, leaves his on a table by his side of the couch or he slides it under the couch and she LOVES to get his. I think she likes his more since it's so small that she can actually carry it around. I've been putting it in the kitchen on one of the counters when he gets done with it today and she throws a little fit and then goes off to play.

We've tried giving her her own cabinet, but she loves the pots and pans too much to want any other cabinet. Her toy kitchen has worked wonders though. I can usually get her to play with it instead of the cabinets. She does better about playing with it when I'm cooking which is nice.

I will try a pillow for sure. I like the idea of helping her get her anger out, but I don't like the idea of teaching her to take it out on animals, stuffed or not.

Thanks. :)

Amber - posted on 12/30/2011

Try to re-direct her. If she's banging on the wall...grab a pan and wooden spoon and let her bang on that...or something totally different. Just say lets not bang on the wall, lets roll the ball?!?! I was always told that telling a child no all the time isn't good for them. At that age they are going to test...it really doesn't help that daddy isn't on the same page as you either! You both have to work together or it isn't going to work at all! The kid needs to know where the boundaries are. Good luck!

Kim - posted on 12/30/2011

I'm not to sure on the hitting the dog stuffie either. Maybe try a pillow instead?

Kim - posted on 12/30/2011

I can't really be of any more help about the laptop except that he just needs to keep it out of her reach. Yes she needs to learn that she can't touch it but at this age unless you want to continously take her away from it the only thing you can do is keep it out of reach. My daughter loves to touch ours too and when it's out I tell her no but I also put it away when I'm done. If it is something that he truely doesn't want ruined then I would learn to keep it up because you can only be so fast to take them away.

Try letting her have her own cupboard in the kitchen. I don't have child locks on mine and have hardly had a problem because my daughter knows that she is allowed in the container cupboard and that is it. Once in ahwile she will go into another one but I close it and tell her to go play in hers. My containers are a nightmare to find since she messes them up but oh well.

Ariel - posted on 12/30/2011

I was just thinking today that I need to get her a little toy laptop. She has a V-Tech laptop that my aunt gave her but she doesn't like it because the screen is so small. I will definitely look into getting her one soon. She recently decided that playing in the kitchen cabinets and I can't get her to stay out of them. She's figured out how to open them even when they have a childproof lock on them and I have more trouble than ever trying to get into them! So my dad got her a play kitchen for Christmas and it has made a huge difference because I can tell her to play with her kitchen instead of Mommy's kitchen and she'll play with hers for a while. :) I've tried getting down to play with her when she won't leave stuff alone but she'll just tell me no and push me away. But I think her dad just found a solution....She has one of those Tootsie Rolls banks that comes full of the candy. The candy is gone and he gave her a handful of change and she's putting it in her bank. I've been lucky because she has never been one to put things in her mouth. She's always put change into a jar or brought it straight to me so this bank has her attention like nothing else ever has. :) Thanks for you're suggestion. I'll have to find a new game to play with her that she likes enough to be distracted by.

Candace - posted on 12/30/2011

My son is the same age and I am dealing with the same exact thing including turning the laptop off and on. I spend most of the day saying no and trying to distract him. I havent really tried time out yet because I know he won't stay there. When I tell him no and take him away from something that he cant play with I usually try to find something that he would be more interested in playing with and it's starting to work. Since we've been having so much trouble with him and our laptops a friend of ours bought him a baby laptop for christmas so whenever he see my husband or I using a laptop and wants to touch it. I'll tell him no and then i'll give him his laptop and at first he'll still go for the laptop but once I start to play with his he'll get it. What we're trying to do is if he has a toy similar to whatever it is he's trying to play with we'll give him the toy and if there isn't a toy we'll sitdown and play with him until he's not focused on the object anymore and then we'll put it where he can't see it if possible

Ariel - posted on 12/30/2011

Thanks. I'll give the step idea a try. I'll also try the "cosy corner" because my daughter loves books. Thanks again. :)

Sarah - posted on 12/29/2011

Not sure where u live but if u have stairs we use the bottom step as 'the naughty step' . My sons 2 and I've started sending him to a pre school twice a wk as I felt he needed it even though other people didn't agree as he s young but I think he behaves better as they are very structured where as I am very laid back . At the pre school they have a 'cosy corner' instead where if they are naughty they go and they can look at books or lie down . Keep going your doing a great job x

Ariel - posted on 12/29/2011

I was actually just thinking today that I needed to see about getting her a timeout chair instead of using her bed. That could be part of why she's not sleeping at night. Her grandma uses one of her recliners as a time out chair and she said my daughter sits there without making a sound until she's told she can get down and that she won't do what got her put there. When I try that at home, she just climbs down. I've been working on teaching her new ways of showing her emotions. Her dad got her a giant stuffed dog to try to teach her that when she's angry and wants to hit, instead of hitting us, she should hit the stuffed dog. I don't like the idea too much because I don't want her to think that hitting animals is okay either. I'd rather her hit me than her hit an animal and risk getting hurt. If it were like a make-believe creature, I wouldn't mind so much but she knows that the stuffed animal is a dog just like she knows our dog is a dog. What do you think?


I've spent the last month trying to get her to leave my laptop and her dad's laptop alone because they're easy to open since they don't latch shut. Mine is set up to with a password so she can't get in and do damage, but her dad's isn't and he won't make one because he knows he won't remember it. If she's not trying to play on them by typing, she wants to stand on them. Mine is always out of her reach except when I'm on it, but her dad won't keep his out of her reach even when I move it. I've tried taking her to her toys and asking her to bring me stuff to distract her, but she doesn't listen and she runs right back to the laptops. Any suggestions?

Kim - posted on 12/29/2011

I don't think she is purposely trying to defy you. I think she may just find things interesting and want to explore them. Maybe try babyproofing if you haven't already to try and eliminate some things that she can't touch.

Also you could do some researching on the internet about childrens behaviour and the different learning stages they go through. It doesn't cost money and you may find it to be very helpful. :)

Kim - posted on 12/29/2011

I don't want to say what you are doing wrong as everyone has their own ways but I think that putting her in her bed until she stops crying may not be the best idea in the long run. I say that because she may start to associate her bed with bad things and may end up not wanting to go to sleep. Maybe that is why you are having trouble getting her to go to sleep at night?

If you want to give her time outs I would suggest finding a spot somewhere and getting her a little mat that she sits on. I do think that she may be a little young to fully understand what a time out is for. I started giving them to my son when he was quite young and looking back I see that it was pointless as he was to young to actually learn anything from it. I agree that hitting and yelling are not good things but I think that maybe teaching her other ways of showing her emotions instead may work out better for you. If my daugher hits I tell her no hitting and take her hand and rub it on my face and say gentle. Or if she persists I will put her down or stop playing with her and ignore her for a few minutes.

My daughter is very persistent with things that she is not allowed to do and I am very persistant with moving her and telling her no touching. She loves to go for our tv stand and has since she started walking (11 months). Every time she does I tell her no touching and move her away. A lot of the time she will turn around and go right back. After months of telling her no she still goes for it on occasion and I still do the same thing. Some days it feels like all that I do is take her away from things. As I said before today she kept going for the fishtank. I would literally take her away, tell her no, wash her hands, put her down and 2 seconds later she would be back at it doing the same thing. I probably did this at least 10 times until she realized I wasn't gonna give in. Just try and remember that everything she is doing is normal for her age and everything is interesting to her and babies love to touch things. It does get frustrating but she will eventually learn.

Ariel - posted on 12/29/2011

Katherine, if a complete stranger told you to analyze what you're dong to you're children, wouldn't it irritate you a little bit? Or if you had family that constantly implies that you're a bad mother, wouldn't that make you a little defensive about who you are as a parent? I may have been a little more sensitive about it after spending all day with them but it still came off to me that way.

I raised my niece for the first two years of her life so I've had some experience and I have learned from it, however she was a much better listener than my daughter is. My daughter definitely listens like her dad. He hears only what he wants to hear and his memory is worse than anyone's I have ever met. My daughter has a memory more like mine because she remembers things when she listens within a few days of being taught. The issue is that she doesn't want to listen.

Right now, I don't have the money to go get a book to learn things I could do to try to get her to listen better. Thank you for your suggestion.

Ariel - posted on 12/29/2011

I started giving my daughter timeouts when she decided that hitting me and yelling at me for telling her no were good ideas. It worked well at first because after the first two she straightened out for a few months (she was 13 months when she got her first two time outs and her dad agreed that he didn't want her getting away with hitting and yelling at us. She was left in her bed until she stopped crying both times.). I've have explained twice that I didn't mean 5-10 minutes were her timeouts. She kept turning of my laptop and so I just typed what I could. She gets time outs until she stops crying which is usually pretty quick.

Now that I've covered that, :), my daughter will take off on occasion when she knows she's doing something she shouldn't. Today she learned that she can throw stuff into a chair and hide her hands behind her back to try to look innocent and I made the mistake of laughing at her. It was just too cute though. Even though she's good at ignoring me, she is a PROFESSIONAL at focusing on what she wants to do! No matter how hard I try to distract her, she always remembers what she wants to do. I can take her outside for an hour or two and when we get back inside, she'll run straight for what I was distracting her from.

Her dad was doing much better today about agreeing with me and he even watched her while I took a short nap without me waking up to complete chaos! I was impressed. I haven't taken a nap since she was a week old! SOOOO NICE!

Katherine - posted on 12/29/2011

You know what be defensive all you want. I'm never implied you were. Bad mom. Everything you do or say has an affect o. Yourchild. I'm a mom of 4 and noticed things that I use to do before educating myself. My goodness

Kim - posted on 12/29/2011

My daughter is 18 months and does the same things. I can tell that it is a game to her and I know that she knows when she is doing something wrong because as soon as I move she takes off but I think it is totally normal for her age. I don't give my daughter time outs yet because I just don't think it would work for her. I usually tell her no and distract her with something else. It does get annoying and repetative but as she gets older she is getting better at listening. I think as long as you are consistant in what you are doing then she will eventually learn. My daughter's new favourite thing is to open the lid and stick her hands in the fish tank. Ugh. :)

I would suggest talking to her dad and getting on the same page. My son is 5 and the discipline only gets more difficult and when you are saying different things it gets very confusing to the child and they aren't able to learn what is acceptable or not.

Ariel - posted on 12/29/2011

I don't get on to her for yelling at the dog. That part was me giving examples showing that her hearing is fine. And I responded to the first person who posted by correcting myself on her timeouts. I said:

"I've never heard the "one minute per age" thing. I will correct myself though, I leave her in timeout until she stops crying because I've learned that when she's taken out before she stops crying, she'll do exactly what got her put in as soon as she's set down. Once she's calmed down, her attitude when she comes out is different and she'll be good. And she's usually calmed down in a couple minutes. I was a little rushed when I posted this because she kept turning my laptop off so I just typed whatever I could."

Her yelling at the dogs is her using her favorite word because it was the first word she could identify to an object and she recently learned the sound a dog makes and she likes to show us she knows. As for "analyzing what I'm doing to her", I have nothing to analyze. She is well fed, she has clothes that fit her, she has her toys, she has a roof over her head, she has a family that loves her very much, she is healthy, and other than the tantrums that she may throw occasionally, she is a very happy child. The only issue is that she ignores me and I am very patient about it and have been for a long time. That is why I am seeking suggestions. I am a good mother and whether you are implying it or not, telling me to "analyze what I am doing to her" makes it seem like you are suggesting that I'm a bad mother.

Katherine - posted on 12/29/2011

kids at her age dont remeber things the first time not until they are about 8- 9 years old. You will have to calmly repeat yourself a good 5 times maybe 100 before she or he remembers. You should probably get books about a childs learning behavior and how to handle it. I did when I had my first child because i was getting frustrated with having to repeat myself. Then I learned why kids do things at certain ages.

her time outs are too long for her age- 30 seconds is all you will probably get out of a 2 yrold. She is turning alot of what you do into a game. Give her attention if you want her to pay attention to you in a positive way. sounds like you are always are her about something that is completely age appropriate fro her.

the yelling at the dog is her probably mimicing you or someone else getting the dogs attention. my gosh sit back and analyz what you are doing to her. she is young

Ariel - posted on 12/29/2011

Thank you. The idea that it could just be an age thing is a bit of a relief. :) She also decided about a month ago that she doesn't have a bed time. Some nights I can get her to bed shortly after 9:30 (her bedtime is 9 for right now) and other nights I'm lucky to get her to bed before 1:30 or 2. I tried earlier naps and making them shorter and now she doesn't take a nap at all except for the occasional 10 minute car ride to the store and back. I put her in her bed at 9 tonight and she just stopped crying so I think she might be asleep now. This is the first time she's been asleep before 9:30 in a long time. (my clock say 9:28) :) She did a little better about listening today, however, most of the day was spent in a car.

Sarah - posted on 12/29/2011

Hi there I just wanted to say my 2 yr old is exactly the same your not on your own . My 7 yr old when he was this age was exactly the same too but is now so much better. I really do think it's just an age thing x let me know how things go and good luck

Ariel - posted on 12/28/2011

I've never heard the "one minute per age" thing. I will correct myself though, I leave her in timeout until she stops crying because I've learned that when she's taken out before she stops crying, she'll do exactly what got her put in as soon as she's set down. Once she's calmed down, her attitude when she comes out is different and she'll be good. And she's usually calmed down in a couple minutes. I was a little rushed when I posted this because she kept turning my laptop off so I just typed whatever I could.

I've tried talking to her dad about it but he tunes me out when he's watching television and we never go anywhere so it's always a struggle to be heard. I will try again tomorrow since he's asleep now. And I will try one minute timeouts to see if he'll leave her in there and if it will work for her when he's home.

Thank you. :)

Teresa - posted on 12/28/2011

5-10 minute timeout for a one year old is insane. Time out is only supposed to be one minute per age. By the time 5-10 minutes have passed she won't have a clue why you put her there in the first place.

You and her dad need to be together on this or you will just confuse her. If you are telling her NOT to do something and he is telling her TO do it.... she doesn't know who to listen to and will probably 'listen' to whoever is telling her what she wants to hear anyway.

Talking to him about this and getting you both on the same page should be your first step. Otherwise all the suggestions in the world aren't going to do a bit of good.

Good luck!