Jenifer - posted on 01/24/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )
I'm 28, I didn't ever date seriously in High School. I dated one guy for 3 months when I was 18/19, it didn't last. I dated another guy for a year off and on before we got married. Our marriage was serious for a year and went down hill over the next four months until he moved out and we called it quits for good. I know that he wasn't the one for me, we both accepted that it just wasn't meant to be. Not long after I met a guy who had a little boy (4 yrs old), he didn't have custody of his son, the mother did. After dating for about 3 months I got pregnant (at 21). As crazy as it sounds it was a planned pregnancy. I had triend getting pregnant with my ex-husband and it just didn't work. Long story short my ex (son's father) screwed up our relationship, before I found out I was pregnant, we made our son the last time we were together. I dated a guy I had known since 16 and we found out I was pregnant while I was dating and again long story short the realtionship ended. I am really good at running or kicking people out when the going gets tough and if I was really in love maybe I would have worked at it harder. Or maybe I was in love, but pushed him away once I was hurt. I don't know. So I have had 3 relationships all about 3 months long and one relationship/marriage that lasted under 2 years. I dated a bit, but it was never serious.
On my son's First Birthday I got a call from this guy, I had joined a dating service and with this service you get a letter in the mail with some info and a phone number. We got the letters on Valentine's Day and he called me the next day, my son's B-day. I talked to him for like 3 hours the first night. I told him about my son, my ex's and everything. We talked about what we wanted and what we didn't want. I didn't want someone who smoked or an alcoholic. One Grandpa died from smoking, one was an recovering alcoholic. I wanted someone who was Christian, would love my son as his own, wants more kids, I hada plan to have 2 more before I turn 30, and I was 23 at the time, so to me it was a realistic expectation. I do have PCOS and it took me 11 months to get pregnant with my son, so to me 7 years was reasonable. So all of this info I was upfront with, I wanted to start out everything honestly, I don't believe in hiding big things from the one you love. I am divorced and I would always have my son and I believe I have the right to want what I want and I think someone who wants me should want the same things as me.
The guy, mentioned above, asked me to marry him on May 1st and we married on August 20, 2005 and for the first two years everything was pretty much picture perfect, I mean minor issues here and there, but nothing serious. Oh and my son's father wants nothing to do with my son and my son has had some developmental issues, but for the most part he has been under control. So anyways 2 years in and he starts smoking and he hid it from me and lied about it for 2 months before I found out and he refuses to quit. I think it's gross and I want to leave him just for that. He has had an alcohol problem which at times has been pretty serious. His parents know about it and don't like it, but when we drive 6 hours to there house to stay there for a few days they buy enought alcohol to keep a family of 6 buzzed for a week and expect him not to drink? I don't even know what to do with that situation, but I have to think I will not be taking my son there unless it is alcohol free. I mean why should I be 6 hours away from anyone I know in another state while my husband is drunk for 3 days. I think if he wants to go be a drunk, he can go on his own and if they want my son, their only grandkid there the alcohol will be gone. If not they can drive the 6 hours and come see him here. I figure I won't debate all this until it comes closer to our next trip there which will be Easter or Memorial Day, so I have a little time.
I really want kids and so far just the one, he will be 6 next month. My husband refuses to actively try. First I said why don't we have sex every other day and that was apparently too much for him. He wouldn't do it every day so for me that was a compromise. Then I started temperature tracking and calculating my cycle and only asking him to have sex every other day when I was most likely to get pregnant. After 3 years of trying and begging my husband to have sex with me I gave up. I gave up oin asking for sex all together. I am used to sex once or twice a day and my husband knew this from day one. He will let us go a month without sex unless I pretty much forse him into it.
So basically how do I get my husbadn to quit drinking, and smoking because he loves me and how do I get him to make a baby with me? I want my marriage to work and so does he I just don't think he thinks he should have to put any effort in to this. I have tried talking to him and expressing clearly how I feel and he just sits there mute. I want him to debate it with me tell me what he wants. Oh and I am fine not having more kids if I get him to quit drinking and smoking, but kids or no kids I need SEX. Maybe that's crazy, but I need it and I think the best place for me to get it would be with my husband, how do I convince him of that?