How do I stop my husband from questioning what time my toddler and I go to bed and wake up?

Rowan - posted on 05/14/2012

You sound like you are doing exactly what is right for you and your little girl. Well done- you are a strong and brilliant mommy! :)

PS: My son is nearly 3 and has had the usual 7pm-7am sleep routine from 5 weeks old. Lucky me!

Best of luck with your future!

Leslie - posted on 05/13/2012

my daughter goes to bed a t 10pm and get up at 9am everyday. I get like 10 to 12 hours of sleep. she also gives me a three to four hour nap. by the way she is going to be 18 months.

Chelly - posted on 05/13/2012

The body does the most repairing at night, I believe in the hours of 10-2 or 9-3 somewhere around there. For health reasons it's best to be asleep by 9pm as there are organs that repair and detox themselves at night time, while sleeping. If you're up then your body can't do its job effectively. You can find information about it online.

Not judging you at all as we did the same, it was difficult getting our daughter to bed earlier. Also, if I put her to sleep at 7/8 I'd fall asleep too! I've noticed if I go to sleep at 9 then I need less sleep than if I went to bed at midnight. It's still not easy for me to go to bed early but I notice a huge difference in energy personally.

As for husband asking questions, sounds like it won't be an issue for much longer. If it continues you can respond with a question. Do you think it's important for her to go to bed earlier? Does she seem negatively effected by going to bed late?

Amber - posted on 05/12/2012

Well, as far as bedtimes go, after I posted this, my daughter is up by 9:45 am everyday, it just switched all of a sudden (may be the nice weather out and us being a lot more active outside and the early shower/bath time) and goes to bed at around 10:30, no more 11:00 pm time or midnight going to bed.

That's what I'm hoping as soon as he is my ex, signing divorce papers in the next couple of weeks as he is out of town working right now, that as long as she's happy, healthy, doing good, and getting 10 to 12 hours of sleeping, that those kind of weekly/daily questions can stop. I do fear a little that even when we are well divorced he will still be asking about me personally and about her, about her within reason is ok, but to harass me I feel would be inappropriate, as he he knows she is my life and I do everything to take care of her and keep her safe and happy.
Thank you very much for all the comments, personal stories, and thoughts! I really appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Amber

Louise - posted on 05/12/2012

Amber it sounds as if you know what you are doing. If getting up late and going to bed late is what you want to do with your little one and it works then carry on. As for your ex husband he should have no say in his childs bedtime unless she is staying with him. It sounds as if you are well rid of him, and now you can lead your life as a free woman, no control freak to stamp down on your plans. Enjoy your daughter and live life to the full. x

Amber - posted on 05/11/2012

If you knew him, he really isn't asking how to do them in case he has to do them alone, he tried to have me dress warmer all the time and he would cover me up at night even though I politely asked him not to do that. He has a very controlling personality, part of the reason we are getting divorced. He gets stuff stuck in his head and harasses me, my parents, and his friends sometimes. I understand what you are saying, but he has been doing these type of questions way before I was pregnant, years in fact before I was pregnant, he has to kind of keep his thumb on every aspect of me. He shouldn't ever have to do anything to do with our daughter alone as I will be having sole custody.
Thanks for the thought.
Amber

Jessica - posted on 05/11/2012

sounds like also hes asking these questions so that he knows what to do and how to do things if he ever has to do it all alone?

Julie - posted on 05/10/2012

Hi Amber,

Perhaps you can just answer with "the same time she always goes to sleep" and if he asks what time that was, maybe "you've asked this question everyday for the past month, the answer never changes." Everyone does not have their kids in bed by 7:30pm. My 3.5 year old, at your daughter's age, was going to bed at about 9:30pm. She was a notoriously bad sleeper and with her dad getting home late from work, the evening was their time to spend some quality time together. You do what works best for your situation. Like you said, when she starts getting older for childcare/kindergarten, you can adjust those times. Best of luck to you!

Amber - posted on 05/09/2012

Thank you for your personal story and thoughts. I wish my soon to be ex would be easier and take that answer "what does it matter", but mine is not like that all he will keep asking, has been asking for months even though I ask that, he is more of the "woman does this and woman does that, why don't you (where make up, wear high heels, carry a purse, nail polish, etc) also imagine a thick accent when saying woman. Whenever I ask, would you like her to go to bed earlier or does it bother you, he replies, no just curious because everyone else has their kids in by 7:30 pm. I feel he is more into what looks proper and what he has heard from other people, rather than our personal family, because he is so much into looks and making sure we look perfect to everybody, even though things are not rosy between us. He also, when we met, worried about me talking to male cashiers at the grocery store and bookstore and asked did I give them my number etc, so I think I've got a more controlling type husband who can't override his own brain, because he obsessive over things about me and about our daughter, like it can be a warm day and he won't stop asking me and the grandparents is daughter going to catch a cold and should she put more on, even though she is properly dressed, because he was sick as a child and cold all the time as a result as that and now believes everyone is cold and going to catch their death.

Firebird - posted on 05/09/2012

My daughter stayed up that late until she was 3 and started preschool. It's not a big deal, plenty of parents have their kids going to bed at unusual times due to work schedules and stuff. With my ex, I always found it helpful to ask 'why does it matter?" whenever he asked me annoying questions. That usually put a stop to it.

Amber - posted on 05/08/2012

Thanks for your thoughts and answer. I have heard both sides, my sister and her husband who have raised 3 kids (last one is almost raised, she is 17) that their kids stayed up later, more like how we are doing it. I did not mean for this to happen, us staying up till 10 or later in the evening and in no way pushed this time routine on us. Our daughter went from being a baby and going to sleep around the time you suggested, to her teething after her first birthday and I found ourselves getting to sleep around 10 or 11 pm and it stuck.

At night, we look at books, the lights are lower, the house is quiet, and or we watch a little Nick Jr. (little Bill, Blue's Clue's, the quieter child programs) We are not watching any adult tv or movies as I whole heartedly agree with you about what a 16 month should be or shouldn't be seeing. We also have a shower or bath before to start winding down. Oddly enough, I have found my adult time by her being on the bed and looking at her books and me reading mine, I am also 35 and am a quieter type person so my adult time may look different than other moms. I do agree, on the adult time,meaning I could get the book I am writing done if my daughter was going to bed a few hours earlier.

My husband and I are actually getting a divorce soon, its amicable, and we don't really want to spend time together, just the two of us, I would say yes it was him wanting to spend time with me if we were a happy staying together couple and I would definitely give us together time, but we find we need away from each other time more and are getting divorce papers in the next couple of weeks.

I see about the needing to change it to a little earlier, so I can work on that, making our quiet routine earlier and nap time earlier and see if I can't get to 9 pm or earlier.

I hope I've added some clarity of our situation and answered back some of your thoughts and questions.
Thanks again so m uch
Amber

Louise - posted on 05/08/2012

May be he wants to spend more time with you in the evening. A child of that age normally goes to bed at 7.30pm and gets up about 7.30am. I understand what you are saying about getting moving in the morning and that it helps you, but, what are you watching on the tv at night? Are you watching child friendly tv? or is she being exposed to adult dramas and tv which at 16 months is not good. You really need to get her bed time down to at least 9pm which is the water shed. You need time to yourself as well. You need adult time.

It is very very difficult to change a childs sleeping pattern once established. She will be at playgroup within 18 months and needing to get up at 8am. You really do need to start bringing her bedtime down now at 3.5 hours is a massive shift.

Maybe your partner is concerned about this but knows it is a sore subject with you. Try and think ahead and what is best for her. These very late nights are not affecting her now but they will have a huge impact in the future.