How do I teach my daughter to control her emotions?

Starfish - posted on 05/27/2012

Team husband on this one.

Why on earth would she stop throwing a fit when there's simply no consequences for doing so? In my house, that behaviour would be an instant guarantee that she'd spend the next day NOT playing with her friends. She's not going to die from seeing that negative behaviour = negative consequence.

As for the dinner issue, again, in my house, that wouldn't fly. If one of mine makes a fuss and won't eat or otherwise makes it a battle, it's wrapped up and put in the fridge until the next meal, and they're sent to bed. And that wrapped up meal gets served to them again and again until it's gone. Doesn't take too many instances of this before the message sinks in.

You're the parent...don't let her run your life!

Tiffany - posted on 05/27/2012

My daughter is 3 and sometimes reacted by throwing tantrums. It basically stopped when I figured out how to get around it. What really worked was giving her time limits. I tell her she has 10 minutes. Then 5 minutes. Then 2 minutes. The countdown helps.What also helps is when I tell her if she's good she can do it again tomorrow (go to the park, play with a toy, etc). Sometimes a little bribe helps. I'll let you eat a cookie or an icee after dinner. Aside from when she's cranky i'm usually able to avoid tantrums and blow ups. Since your daughter is 5 you can have conversations about routines, how, why, & when things need to be done. You can explain the consequences of her behavior and express your expectations. Just experiment with different things until you figure out what works best for all of you!

Christal - posted on 05/20/2012

My daughter is 3 and the same way. Were in the same boat as you. I have started using my phone when we are at the park amd setting it as a timer. I show her the time and tell her how many minutes we have left (10-5-1) etc. this seems to help a little. Its also good to have a good schedule (routine) going. Maybe try the timer thing.

Tracie - posted on 05/17/2012

Yeah, I'm with your husband on this one. I employ a "natural consequences" type of discipline. You, know, the way real life works. You mouth off to your boss, you get fired. I would absolutely institute a rule that a meltdown equals NO play time the next day. If you don't respect the PRIVILEGE of playing outside, you don't get to play outside. Natural consequences. Good luck!

Christy - posted on 05/15/2012

My youngest had the worst fits EVER when he was younger. I would pick him up and put him in his bed and he would have to stay there untill he calmed down. If he got up I put him back and refused to even speak to him untill he could talk to me in a normal tone. Sometimes that ment that he fell asleep without dinner or that we didn't get to go somewhere even if it was a family get togeather. He would sit there untill he could come out and then tell me "I am all better now, I am sorry I threw a fit momma." You may want to give her warning as well. Just tell her "I am going to warn you before it is time to go inside and if you throw a fit you will be on your bed." then warn her 10 min before, then 5 min before. The moment she starts a fit then pick her up and put her on her bed. It takes time. and the older kids may not want to play with her for a while but once they see she isn't throwing fits anymore then they will play with her again. I am not a fan of cutting out play time the next day because by then so much time has passed she doesn't really get WHY she is being punished. If you put her in time out she is getting a reaction right away and it isn't the one that she wants.

Tami - posted on 05/14/2012

i also agree with your husband i think he might be right with all these replies agreeing with him. another suggestion is if you dont want to take that whole time from her tell her she has to come in an hour earlier the next day or for a week and if she has a tantrum when you bring her in that hour earlier then it is another hour earlier until she either gets it or until their isnt any outside playtime for her the next days to come. example if you normally bring her in at 5 then tell her if there is a tantrum tomorrowe you are coming in at 4 if there is another tantrum the next day you are coming in at 3 or maybe only shorten it for half an hour if these shortening outside play consequences do not work then try the no outside time tomorrow if you dont want to go straight to the no outside time tomorrow consequece trial and error see what works for her and you and your husband i wish you luck i also have a very difficult 5.5 year old daughter as well if something does not go exactly her way or for how long she wanted and i am a single mom with a almost 2 year old boy aswell so i feel ya and hear ya there it is a very difficult situation but you as you now know you must stay strong and consistence and there needs to be consequences. there is one other approach you can take or add to the consequences that is a reward sticker chart if you come in at night with good behaviour you get a sticker if you get a full week of stickers you will get a reward, we will grab a couple of your friends you play with here and do a lake or park trip with them at the end of the week or we will take you out for ice cream or do something she really likes that you dont often do. this point of new behaviour direction can be done with or with out the consequences part the other thing is when she does do really good and comes in and gets her sticker make it a big deal and praise her alot saying things like: mommy and daddy are so proud of how well you came in tonight and ate your dinner. mommy ad daddy like it alot and it made us very proud of you that you showed us how you were able to come in and have a good evening as a family with out being upset really simple things like that mean everything to a little child especially a girl of that age hope this helps you decide how to deal with your daughters tough emotions.

Kelina - posted on 05/14/2012

How do you react tot he tantrums? are you there with her every second or do you leave her somewhere to calm down? I also agree with your hubby. If my 3 year old freaks out about leaving somewhere he's told he won't be allowed to come back. I don't care if it's the park, grandmas, the pool or what. He will not be allowed to go back if he's going to have a tantrum. He stops right then and there. And he's gotten very good at leaving places because he knows he'll get to go back. I'd also recommend ignoring the tantrums when she's throwing them. Put her somewhere safe and then tell her when she's calm and ready to talk then she can come out. If it means her dinner gets cold, her dinner gets cold, don't fight with her over it. a) she'll eat when she's hungry and b) fighting with her over eating her dinner while she's having a tantrum will be useless and frustrating.

Deanna - posted on 05/14/2012

It is hard for children to "control" their emotions. At this point it's not about explaining or fighting with her, it's about YOU staying in control. When she starts a tantrum (that's all she is having), pick her up and bring her in. If she won't eat, take her plate away until she has calmed down. Don't show emotions. I do agree with your husband, when she has her tantrum, tell her tomorrow she can't go out to play. And follow through. You are the adult and she needs to learn that you are in control, not her. Taking away a privilege will not hurt her!! My daughter is 3 and understands that there are consequences to her actions. It is how children learn.
Eventually she will learn that when she acts up, she loses privileges. Action, consequence. She will not learn to control her emotions until you show her how. Don't fight with her. You are showing her that she is boss and her emotions are winning. Show no emotion yourself. Pick her up, bring her inside, sit her down. It shows her how to act. She knows the behaviour is unacceptable. But she doesn't know that there are consequences when she acts up. She thinks she gets away with everything. And she is right at this point.
Start out small. I give my daughter a warning. Then count to 3. At 3 she loses something. A toy, an outing, something to show her I mean business. Now, she comes in without a fuss, cause she knows she earned to play outside again the next day.
Discipline means to teach. Teaching a child has never been easy. It takes time, patience, consistency. Start out small. Maybe she eats dinner before she goes out, make it easier for you. Then she can go out to play. That way she doesn't fight with you at dinner time giving you and her ulcers from the tension and anxiety.
Also, time outs are amazing for some children. She acts up like that, time out. Walk away and ignore her crying. She cries like that because she is getting a reaction out of you.
Good luck with how ever you choose!!!

Rachel - posted on 05/14/2012

I agree with your husband. At the age of 5 she can't be expected to control her emotions like an adult would. That will come with time. Kids need to see/feel consequences, not just have them explained to them. I think it's a very good idea to take away her outdoor time for the following day, if she doesn't listen and throws a tantrum. Tell her that's what will happen and follow through. Good luck!

Firebird - posted on 05/12/2012

I agree with your husband too. When my daughter has a fit when it's time to come in, she doesn't go out the next day. When the next day comes, if she throws a fit about not being allowed out, she loses another day too. I tell her "you're doing this to yourself, how many days do you want to be grounded for?" I went up to a full week once. Needless to say, my daughter is usually pretty good about coming back inside these days. It can also help if you mention to her "if you have a tantrum when it's time to come in, you can't play outside tomorrow."

You say that you want her to learn to control her emotions, but how is she going to do that if her outbursts come with no consequences? If she's ever going to learn to control her emotions, she needs to learn *why* it's important to control herself.

Dove - posted on 05/12/2012

I agree with your husband. You throw a fit for not wanting to come in, you don't get to go out the next day. Perfectly reasonable consequence for totally unacceptable behavior. If she were just disappointed and mildly upset I wouldn't see a problem, but if she is throwing a fit for 30 minutes to 2 HOURS... That is just ridiculous.