How do I tell one grandma we don't want her to babysit, when the other grandma can?

Megan - posted on 06/22/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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When I was six years old I was taken away from my birth mom for neglect, severe abuse, and malnourishment on all five of her children. Since then I was adopted, grew up and re-kindled a once broken relationship with her. I am 23 years old and have fully forgiven her for anything that happened. However, that doesn't change the fact that she doesn't know how to raise a baby. She believes in cry it out and won't listen when I ask her not to feed my six month old potatoes. On the other hand, his other grandmother is great. Without hurting feelings, how do I tell my mom that she is a great grandma, but not babysitting material?

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Jessica - posted on 06/22/2010

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There is no way you are going to be able to tell your mother that she's not fit to watch your child (her grandbaby) without hurting her feelings. There's is no gentle way to remind someone of how irresponsible they have proven themselves to be. That being said, I know that the crying it out method doesn't work for you so keep telling her that you don't approve but given your mother's history, is giving your child potatoes really the worst she can do?? Oh, and grandparents will ALWAYS do some things that you don't approve of. I'm sure even the other grandmother who you say is great does a few things that would put you off if you watched her as closely as your own mom! I'm not telling you to trust your mom with your child if you aren't comfortable with that, but you say you have forgiven her... Part of forgiveness is not holding people by their past actions and giving them another chance to do the right thing. Are you being fair to her despite what happened all those years ago? I can't imagine how horrible she must have felt to have had all 5 of her kids taken away and she probably feels very blessed and happy to have you back in her life and now you are telling her that she's not worthy in your eyes to be a grandmother. You will not only hurt her feelings, it could very well break her heart. Bottom line, talk to her and she if the new her is the one you're scared of leaving your child with, or if the old her needs to be put to rest once and for all.

Nicole - posted on 06/23/2010

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if she cant except your decisions for your child she shouldnt be left alone with them. if she doesnt understand your reasons then she is not resposible enough to be left alone with a baby. your childs safety is more important than your relationship with your mom. also the fact that you were not returned to her care as a child kind of indicates that she didnt develop great child care skills in the years you were apart.

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i can understand. our backgrounds are VERY much alike. one I'm amazed you have mended the relationship. Thats not something I could do with my mother. Anyway...What if you just didnt always tell her when your going out and the other grandma has the baby. It's your life and yes your mother is a part of it but she doesnt need to know everything about it 24/7. i know it sounds mean but I live next door to my adoptive mom so I try for some privacy when it comes to babysitting lol

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Lyndsay - posted on 06/22/2010

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You need to be honest. Come straight out and tell her that you're concerned for your child's safety and she doesn't have a perfect track record. Tell her that she can still have visits, but they will be supervised, and if thats not good enough for her then she can just move on.

Rosa - posted on 06/22/2010

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Don't let anyone's comments of you hurting her feeling guilt you into leaving your child with her......if you are not like I said before 100 percent comfortable DO NOT do it!

Rosa - posted on 06/22/2010

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Sweetie easy...you have already won your case over the simple fact that she was not fit to raise you all those years ago. Her methods did not work with you and I don't see why you would even consider leaving your child with her given the previous circumstances. Just be honest with her like you've said here the fact is and was then, that she is not equipped to care for a child and she does not respect your wishes and the way you believe YOUR child should be tended to. Best of luck and listen to your intuition if you are not 100 percent comfortable with leaving your child with her DON'T do it. Our inner mommy voice is usually right on target,

Erika - posted on 06/22/2010

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Has your mom gone to coundiling or a phycologist for the things she did to you? If she has she should understand why you wouldn't trust her with your little one. I think you deffinately need to be completely honest with her, it will hurt her but your baby is at stake. Maybe you could ask her to take a few parenting/grandparenting classes and then you could maybe consider letting her watch him. The things you mentioned that she does mostly sounds like a generational thing and not that she is intentionally trying to hurt him, parents were just different back then, there wasn't so much to think about, so maybe a modern day parenting class would teach her that things have to be different these days, we know a whole lot more about what's good for our kids.

Melissa - posted on 06/22/2010

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I've actually had a similar situation. My ex mother-in-law's forgotten how to take care of children not that she neglected or abused them, but she should have divorced her husband because her sons and daughter saw a lot of emotional abuse from their dad. I dealt with it too and that's why we're divorced. Anyway, my mom's great and I'll let her watch my daughter who's 5 and did when she was a baby, but my ex mother-in-law would make me nervous. I don't know how to explain it to your mom except to tell her how you felt growing up.

Tasha - posted on 06/22/2010

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whatever u say will hurt ur mum so just be honest.try telling her that u dont wnat her having ur baby not because u dont trust her but for the simple fact that shes not following your orders.remind her that its your child and you have a routine and that if she is to have your baby that she too has to follow the routine.xxx

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