How do you feel about a relative sleeping on your couch?

Christina - posted on 04/11/2012

no one is to do anything like that in my house except for my husband and i, while the kids are sleeping at night, and he and i are behind my locked bedroom door. My daughter will be 11 soon. There's no way she is witnessing a couple walk into the bathroom together. What message does this send when the hormones kick in and she is dating in a few years?

Christina - posted on 10/22/2011

LOL They cannot take a shower together while my 10 year old daughter is around. Before you know it she will be having boyfriends and I would be floored if I ever hear her ask if she and her boyfriend can shower together.

I don't think they've done anything since. I tell them there are plenty of places to drive to for that kind of stuff. Or they can go to the girlfriends house when no one is home there.

Stifler's - posted on 10/20/2011

Yeah visitors are like fish, they go off after 3 days.

Mommy - posted on 10/20/2011

You are a better person than me...I don't want anyone on my couch for longer than a weekend...ANYONE. And in my bed?!? No way! Thank god my husband is the same way. My sister wants to live with us, and she knows that if she does she will be paying rent and helping around the house. I would have lost my mind already, so I give you credit.

Stifler's - posted on 10/20/2011

Or they could just do it in the shower!

Jane - posted on 10/20/2011

"The girl friends mom doesnt approve. They were making too much "loud noise" at night and woke her mother up."

They need to get a hotel room, a car with a large back seat, or wait until they have their own place. What inconsideration! If they can't do without sex for a few weeks then they can just move out.

Christina - posted on 10/20/2011

The girl friends mom doesnt approve. They were making too much "loud noise" at night and woke her mother up. When they told me, I said that I am a mom and I feel the same way. Except, I have 2 younger children and I would be beyond infuriated if my kids witnessed or woke up from it.

The girlfriend helps out. She cleans up after dinner, helps me out with the kids a little. Things have improved. But they are still in my living room. Their room in the garage is getting done, but it will still be a few weeks. I'm up at 6:30 am with my kids. My oldest gets ready for school and is out the door to catch the bus at 7:45. We only have the kitchen to move around in. I have maybe 1400 square feet in my entire house. It's not tiny, but it's not enough space even without company.

It's just hard because I want to be helpful, but I want my space and I want my house my way.

Deanna - posted on 10/07/2011

I have to agree with the ground-rules. The rules show respect for ALL involved. It shows the person they appreciate what you are doing for them and shows that you care that they have responsibility.
As for the sleeping in on the floor when they don't have to, let people in. Make the loud noises. They are being rude to you, not you to them. It is your house, not theirs. They don't like the rules, you say the girlfriend can't stay over. It's as simple as that.
Why doesn't he sleep over at his girlfriends place?

Christina - posted on 10/06/2011

LOL Emma, I didn't think you were picking on me. It's a whole joke thing with my family. Someone would refer him as my husband and I would say something silly like "what husband? I have a husband? Where is he? Is he hot? lol.

Luckily, there are no drugs involved. If that was the case I would definitely make him move out, change all the locks and make sure he doesn't come around unless he is clean. So thankfully it isn't that bad.

I had a long discussion with him and it involved how he felt about cleaning and babysitting. His sister says he was a pig and a slob who doesn't want to help out at all. According to him she over did it. I told him regardless of whose roof he wants to live under and regardless if he pays or not he still has to clean. It's that simple.

As for the cooking, if I am the only one cooking then everyone needs to pitch in and clean. My husband had the nerve to ask "what's 1 or 2 more people to cook for?" He had some nerve. I told him I wouldn't cook for him anymore. He can figure out his own dinner from now on. Or I'll just go out to eat every night. That woke him up.

I'll just have to wait and see. If it all goes back to just me cooking, cleaning, etc then my husband will have to pick between me and his cousin. Because I am not taking care of everyone.

Hope - posted on 10/05/2011

I feel for you. My husband and I had is 20year old brother stay with ask for over a year. It caused a lot of conflict been my husband and myself. My husband felt he had to help out his brother, which I understand but he never paid his rent to us, he never bought any food and if he did his own washing it was only what he needed at that time and he left the rest there. If he didnt have sock to wear or undies he would wear my husbands and then loose them. He was bringing drugs back into the house and having sex with his girlfriend in my house.
You really do need to set some ground rules with both your husband and cousin and if the cousin does not abide your husband needs to take the responsibility to fix the problem.
The only way we got his brother to leave in the end was to move. It's a hard one. If I had the time over again I would have booted him out and made him grow up a little. The long they stay with other and longer it takes for them to grow up and get real.

Stifler's - posted on 10/05/2011

Oh ok hahaha I was just wondering, not picking on you.

Christina - posted on 10/05/2011

I put quotations on the word "husband" because we are not married yet, but we've been together for so long. We became parents when we were teenagers and we just didnt want to rush anything. We will someday.

After finally exploding yesterday, we had a discussion and I have received some help. I feel like I have to keep making it clear that regardless if you pay or not you still have to cook, clean, etc. Just because I already have to clean up after myself, my kids and my own husband doesn't mean I want to clean up after more adults.

I made the mistake by offering my bed when they both worked late hours in the past and didn't want to wake up at 6 am when I was getting my daughter ready for school. I didn't think it would be a habit. It hasn't happened in a while. But it did happen.

Neither my husband or the cousin get how it's such a "big deal" that they are sleeping in the living room at the same time because one is on the air mattress and one is on the couch. When the cousin was younger he had one girl who slept over and we hung out every weekend, then another after that. I don;t think it's appropriate. I liked the company, but not the sleeping over so much. My house is not a frat house. We have a family. If these 2 rent the room down stairs and help with some cleaning and do their own laundry I can live with that for a while. But eventually, I want my own home with just my family.

Meily - posted on 10/05/2011

Make your husband pick up after his own cousin (laundry, cooking and washing his cousin's dishes etc...) maybe then your husband will realize it isn't easy taking care of other's supposed responsibility and then he will have to confront his own cousin and set some rules down. It's not about having no compassion instead it is about pushing people to be civilized under your roof. Your house, your rules.

Stephanie - posted on 10/05/2011

It is your house hunny and you have a say in who lives there and what you expect of them when they do,you need to lay it on the line to everybody and say if you live here then you do A,B AND C or find somewhere else to live,you should not have to do their laundry etc..remember your doing them a favour not the other way round,your "hubby" should take your feelings into consideration too if nothing changes then just do the bare minimum ie care for yourself and the kids things will soon change good luck and DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE WALKED OVER XXXX

Genevieve - posted on 10/04/2011

Why is he (and his girlfreind) going back to bed anywhere after the household wakes up? I would think that they should be getting up and having breakfast and getting on with the day. And my bedroom would be off limits to them. My bed is my bed.

Stifler's - posted on 10/04/2011

What does"husband" in quotation marks mean? And I agree with Hine and Jane just throw his clothes out of the hamper and wash all your own familys things until he starts doing things around the house and since he is a resident and getting his room built in the garage (I assume he is going to be in the garage a while) why hasn't there been an arrangement over house rules and money?

Jane - posted on 10/04/2011

I have been a relative sleeping on someone's couch (as a guest, however, not a long-term resident). I always made a point of getting up so that when they came out of their bedrooms I was up and the bed was folded back into the couch. I also helped with kitchen chores.

My question is, why is it taking so long to build his room? And why isn't he paying at l;east something on a regular basis as rent? He isn't an overnight guest. He is a resident.

Perhaps you need to ask his sister how much she really "took advantage" of him. It could be that he is a freeloader.

Have you considered putting up a tent in the yard for him?

Christina - posted on 10/04/2011

I have asked. Today we had a huge discussion. He helped cook today. It's not that he absolutely does nothing. He'll do something if I ask but i get the "are you serious" look, or I get accused of being like his sister he used to live with who, by what he says, took advantage of him. I simply said I do not want to turn him into my maid, nanny, chef, etc. But to wash a load per week, sweep the floor every once in a while, cook, unload and/or reload dishwasher, or at least help out doing the chores will be very helpful. If my kids can help prep and clean before and after meals then so can he. the same with other chores. my kids do what i ask, so he needs to as well. the part that drives me most insane is him sleeping on my couch until noon or later. I have a small house with your basic living room, kitchen, bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. no playroom, additional living room, guest room, etc. so my space is very limited with him on the couch and his girlfriend on a queen sized air mattress taking up 50% of my living room floor.

Kimberly - posted on 10/04/2011

Personally, I would start asking him to help out a little. You can do it in a nice way so as not to cause conflict between the two of you. Maybe just mention some time that you had a long day, and it sure would be a big help for you if he wouldnt mind doing a load of laundry?...lol something like that would come off soft, but he might get the hint!

Christina - posted on 10/04/2011

they're not all over each other in front of my kids. not even in front of me. they are usually descrete, im uncomfortable when I got upstairs to go to bed. i dont know what they are doing down stairs. but im uncomfortable if someone comes to drop something off at my house and there is an air mattress right there and they are both sleeping in my living room and its 10 or 11 am. i cant invite someone in to properly thank them for stopping by

Hine - posted on 10/04/2011

I would remove his clothes from the hamper and just let them pile up, only cook for yourself, hubby and kids and don't do his dishes or clean up after him... Hopefully he's smart enough to take a hint and do it all himself, but as far as him sleeping in your bed, that should be out of bounds for him and his gf... Good luck...

Susanne - posted on 10/04/2011

Well I wouldnt be happy about that they must be making you feel uncomfortable in your own home if they are all over each other all the time.

Christina - posted on 10/04/2011

thank you susanne. he lost his job 2 weeks ago and just got a new one. the other problem is scot (my fiance/husband/whatever lol) is fine with it and feels the need to help him out. i wouldnt mind if the girlfriend (also scots friend) wasnt over all the time and if the cousin would just help out a little.

Susanne - posted on 10/04/2011

Um sorry at 22 you should kick him out and tell him to get a job and a flat. I've had my brother sleep on my settee for a week after my sister went away for a week and her neighbours called her to say my brother was having parties in the house so she phoned me to get him out of the house until she came home. My brother was 18 at the time and had just lost his dad a few months before so he was going through a rough patch.