Hurt & Need Help. ...

Heather - posted on 02/20/2009

Good for you for setting boundaries with him!  Don't let him talk you into anything that you don't want or don't feel ready for.  Remember, you get to make the decisions about the relationship between you since he chose to cheat.  It is up to you to decide if or when you will be more than roommates in the same house.  And good for you for deciding to give up the wine...I think you'll be able to think more clearly about what you need to do (for you and the kids).  Remember, counseling doesn't mean that you'll get back together...it really just means that you have a safe place to air your thoughts and feelings of what he did and what he's going to have to do to be a part of your and your kids' lives.  Good luck!

Nicole - posted on 02/20/2009

I have to agree w/ Michelle Rose,I feel like everything she said Is what I would be telling you.Make your kids priority #1.Let them talk to you about how there feeling and make sure they feel secure,but don't think your feelings don't matter,do for yourself too,find something that relaxes you and takes your mind off of it.It seems hard at first,but only get's easier.Give it time.I know crawling in a hole seems more ideal right now,but w/kids not happening unless you want to hurt them too.HANG IN THERE!!!

Michelle - posted on 02/20/2009

firstly, ewwww.. if hes cheating with his cousin, don't even stress cuz he's nasty anyways..

secondly, thats a serious situation, but the smoking && drinking isn't going to help anyone. especially not your children.

Danialle - posted on 02/20/2009

Wow what a sicko. Don't blame yourself for his disgusting behavior, he is obviously messed up in the head. Tell your kids that Daddy and you need some time apart, but that you both love them. Try not to talk bad about him, which I know must be hard. Good Luck

Crystal - posted on 02/20/2009

Thanks everyone . . . I have come to a decision on what will be done. Yes I did stop drinking :) . . . I am very proud of that. He is going to be moving back into the house as a roomate and sleep in a separate room tonight. He is going to be here and 100% dedicated to being a responsible parent. The kids miss him and want him around and I still do care alot about him even with what I went through . We will be starting counceling next week and there is a set of rules we are both to follow in the house and as parents.

I am not sure what the future holds but what I do know is that I still love him deep down and for the kids sake we need to both be here for them.

Also yes by the way it was a cousin but only by marriage is what he is saying (so not really blood relation) . . . still discusting to me though!!!

Thank you all again for your advice and helping me get though this terrible week of my life!! You are all my friends and a good support system!!

Misty - posted on 02/19/2009

Okay I haven't read everyones replies.  It sounds like everyone agrees you need to take care of your kids first, eat healthy and all that.  You know this.  but what you don't know is how to deal with the feelings you have and your kids feelings.  I say if you can have your mom or someone close watch the kids for a weekend and take care of yourself first.  do you best to cry it all out and figure out your next step.  You don't need to solve everything right away. 

Michelle - posted on 02/19/2009

I say this with nothing but love in mind for you and your children. Sometimes men do horrible things, or keep horrible secrets about themselves (I have dealt with this with my husband of almost 2 years and our now 10 month old daughter) So I understand being an emotional wreck, and needing to numb the pain. I get it, but one thing that I would like to share with you is that drinking a lot is not a healthy answer or example for your kids. I myself went into AA when I was needing something to numb the pain, I found people to talk with and get through my own issues without drinking so I could see clearly what was going on right in front of me, and in the end it turns out that I don't have a problem, and now I have a better understanding on how to cope with wanting to be numb to pain. As far as talking to the children the girls are old enough to hear what goes on sometimes with adults, (I wish that wasn't true, but it is the time we live in) at least the 13 year old. But just be honest with them, and just remember to try to stay unbiased so they can realize that their mom is a strong woman who would do anything for them.

As far as ever trusting him again, that is up to you. It is something that you have to ask inside yourself. No one else will ever be able to tell you what to do there, but if you know there will never be any trust with him again, restarting the relationship for false reasons is a bad idea and will end very badly.

I hope you get through this, I wish you the best and just keep being the great mom you are, I am sure the answers will come to you in time.

Amber - posted on 02/19/2009

Ok. I'll put my two cents in here too. Honey! Wine and cigerettes can't fix everything (before my son when I was depressed I did the same darn thing). You need to think about your children and what's best for them.  You are the one they look to first because you are their mother and you did bring them into this world. You gotta be strong. There is a light at the end of the tunnel even though you may not see it right now dear. But think about this. Once a cheater, always a cheater.. Guys do not change suddenly over night. He realized he did something wrong and got caught (or whatever the circumstances are) and wants to try to make it up to you. But think about it. If you take him back what are the chances you'll actually be able to forgive him for what he did to youand your children?

I say go to the councelor or whatever with him but do that so your relationship isn't negative in front of your children. Do not do it because you want to be with him and state that to him from the beginning. Your children no matter what are going to need you both because he is the father and you're the mother but do the counceling because your children deserve to have you both in their life. Guys like that are scum and you deserve ten times better than that!

Go get your nails done or go to a movie with a friend or your kids! Let loose for a night and have fun. I'm sure you need it! If you need someone I'm here to talk at any time!

Andrea - posted on 02/19/2009

Wow...I cannot even imagine!  I can understand you wanting to drink away the pain, but you have to remember your wonderful kids!  They don't want to see you drunk (and I'm sure you don't want them to see you that way).  It's hard and it is going to take time....It's only been 5 days!  I would recommend going to couseling.  See if it works.  If not, then at least you tried.  I also agree with what Barbara.  If this ends in divorce, BE CIVIL!  I have been very fortunate that my parents never got divorced.  My grandparents, however, are all divorced.  They were divorced years before I came around but my dad's parents could never get along (even if someone would mention the others name it was bad).  My mom's parents are cordial.  They ask how the other is doing and that's about it.  So just remember....IF this ends up in divorce, please please please don't bad talk each other infront of your kids.  Save it for girls night!  This prolly wasn't too helpful, but I just wanted you to see that your grandchildren will also be affected by this if you let it get out of control.  

Michelle - posted on 02/18/2009

Frist of all, I am so sorry! No one deserves that!

Secondly, My parents are devorced and I thank god my mom left. Children do not want to watch their parents be unhappy.  It teaches them all the wrong things.  My mom made sure never to speak ill of my dad in front of us and that is super important.  I hope you can eat something as thats important too and you will be in our prayers.

Barbara - posted on 02/18/2009

Ok, I have to come at this from a bit of a different angle.  One of my best friends cheated on his wife with his seventeen year old niece (through marriage, not blood thankfully.)  They got a divorce and he married the girl, and they are still together today.  He knows that what he did is despicable, that is not in question.  But, his ex wife tries to punish him to this day using their three children.  She is understandably very angry at him for what he did, but it is not fair to get the kids involved in it all the way that she does.  They love their father, and though he has proved that he is a terrible husband, he is a good daddy and the only one that they have, and they want to see him.

My parents are also divorced, ( there was infidelity involved there too) and I have to say that the fact that they were no longer together was not what was hard on us.  What was difficult was listening to them talk bad about one another and try and get us on their "side."  But you can't take sides when your parents are involved.  You want to love and be loved by both of them, you don't care whose right or wrong. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now.  I can only imagine the pain you are feeling, and I hope that I don't seem insensitive for bringing all this up.  But I just know how it feels to be caught in the middle of it without a say, and I felt like I should mention this.  I would go to counseling just so you can say you gave it a try, and if you still feel like it's over, remember that your kids will always love you and they will always love their dad, too.  They need both of you to treat each other with respect for their sake at least.

Jenna - posted on 02/18/2009

Quoting Linda:

Ok- brace yourself....  I know life sucks for your right now, but life does go on.  Men are not the end all and be all of the world! 

No more wine!!  Cut back on those cigs!  and Eat something healthy!  those kids need you!  Dad's obviously not going to do it.  Counseling is probably a good idea, but not for the sake of getting back together, but to be able to communicate for the kids' sake.  People really sleep with their cousins??  And on Valentine's day??  what an idiot!  Make yourself a Pro's List.  I'm sure you'll find plenty to be thankful for. 

Next step is to pamper yourself..... you are worth it!

so ture she needs to take controll for herself and her children they need mummy more then ever so chuck the wine cut back on the smokes and so for a walk or see a move with ur children give all ur time to them they will help u deal with it

Linda - posted on 02/18/2009

Ok- brace yourself....  I know life sucks for your right now, but life does go on.  Men are not the end all and be all of the world! 

No more wine!!  Cut back on those cigs!  and Eat something healthy!  those kids need you!  Dad's obviously not going to do it.  Counseling is probably a good idea, but not for the sake of getting back together, but to be able to communicate for the kids' sake.  People really sleep with their cousins??  And on Valentine's day??  what an idiot!  Make yourself a Pro's List.  I'm sure you'll find plenty to be thankful for. 

Next step is to pamper yourself..... you are worth it!

Crystal - posted on 02/18/2009

Problem is I don't trust him and I don't know if that will ever be back. I am by no means going to get back together with him right now. I am at the point of decideing if I should agree to go to counceling with him for the sake of the kids. I know there is no gaurentees and I don't expect him to change that fast. I still care alot about him but there is no trust and to me that is the most important thing in a relationship. Guess time will only tell . . . I did stop drinking today about noon. I haven't had a drop since and I did eat some food finally. I am starting to feel more confident in my decision of getting him out of the house . .. the future is the question. For right now there is a bit of relief he is gone and I have less to deal with (laundry,cooking,cleaning, and putting up with his attitude). Thanks everyone . . . hopefully time will tell.

Rachel - posted on 02/18/2009

what a silly man, not only has he hurt you your children but his children! you can only take him back if you can trust him again, you have to follow your heart and not what other people are saying! only you can make the decision not sure if that helps

Emma - posted on 02/18/2009

you want my honest oppinion i would never go back ( i mean would you ever be able to trust him again and you would always have the image in your head)

it sounds like he wanted his cake and eat it (the saying the grass isnt always greener on the other side) and he is realising that so he wants to come crawling back.

i know that you are hurting right now but it dose get easier (my ex cheated on me with my best mate we had 2 kids and i took him back but it was never the same again we split when my daughter was 6 weeks and my son 15 mths, which was hard but i got through it and now i am married with another 2 children)

you and your children deserve better (i know he is their father and that you cant change)

if you want to cry, cry if you want to throw things, cut up his clothes go ahead, just remember you are the 1 stable thing that your kids can count on now and they need you to, so knock the wine on the head. they need mummy but mummy needs them to you will get each other through it.

belive me when i say it dose get better with time.

you will still ave to see him coz of the kids but dont let him see how broken you are.

stay strong and take care if you ever want to chat i am here

Crystal - posted on 02/18/2009

Thanks at least I have someone who agrees with me . . . I know the drinking is bad but it calms me. I am doing my best to remain calm around the kids . . . the problem is I don't know how to respond to their questions. He wants me to take him back and try to rebuild the trust. . . . I don't see how that is possible at this point. I am a mess right now and going to work or out in public really sucks.

The people who know me keep trying to talk to me about it and I don't really want to talk about it. Then they always ask what are you going to do . .. I don't really have an answer for that either. I guess I am just confused and hurt right now. I want to do what is best for the kids but they want mommy and daddy back together and I cannot see that ever happening.

He has agreed to go to counceling and wants to try to make it work with a fresh new start. I feel that would be a mistake and everyone I know would call me an idiot for doing that. I know what the kids want but I myself wish this never happened and my life was normal again or at least as normal as can be.

I too believe the kids come first and that is what I am considering but am I to put my feelings aside and just let everything go and give him another chance? I don't know if I can do that . .. I am so so tired and weak right now . .. . I think I need time.

Thanks for responding . . . glad to see I am not alone!!

Michelle - posted on 02/18/2009

Well, you said that you dont want any counseling type advice so I will give it to you straight...

Honestly, it sounds like he is a loser, which sucks, because it is the father of your children. Having been seperated from the father of my children in the past, my heart goes out to you because I understand what that feels like. There is nothing like that feeling.

Some people will tell you that your marriage comes first. I will tell you, for me, when you are a mother, your kids come first. period. I understand that you are hurt and what he did is really hurtful. I understand that you want to numb your feelings but when you have children you dont have the luxury of doing that. Put away the  wine and get some sleepy time tea.  Take it one thing at a time (I wouldnt quit the ciggs yet).

If you are an emmotional mess your kids are going to be too. You need to try to be their rock right now. They need to feel safe with you and be able to talk with you about this. You need to calm down and realize that YOU deserve better than someone that would leave you for anyone regardless of who it is...if you want to cry and melt down, you need to do it when they are sleeping. I know it sounds hard, but you can do it.

P.S. I recommend Ensure when you are too anxiety ridden to eat...that will only make you feel worse.