Husband issues, PLEASE HELP!

Josephine - posted on 08/07/2011

I say its a flat out lie even when you're hidding something. If he didn't see anything wrong with his actions then he wouldn't be hidding it. Get all your evidence & present it when the time is right. But I also believe if you want to solve this problem & not add to the fire, then come up with a solution that will bennefit both of you. Just as long as your needs are being met a little self indulgence isn't bad. Maybe he's making it seem he's having a hard time making ends meet to encourage your employment.

Katie - posted on 08/07/2011

He is hiding something. I would not let him adopt my kid. I would get my stuff during the day while he is gone and be gone, Do not talk to him alone, be in a public place for your safety and your daughters. If your body is sending you warning signs, LISTEN! He is controlling you by handing you money and telling you where to put it. Personally I'd be done, I have a no bull policy.

Kim - posted on 08/05/2011

Realize that you doing this research on him without discussing everything you know as you know it is going to piss him off. You are A. Going to ruin his fun. B. Make him think he has lost his freedom. and C. Give him a glimpse of what his future might look like.
so when you do confront him, keep those ideas in mind so you can avoid looking like the bad guy here. Good Luck, you will need it. :)

Vicky - posted on 08/05/2011

Dear wife, you have a very serious problem! Maybe you can get advice from a profesional or someone at your church. i first thing i would do is start earning your own money this will probably make you feel better!!!! You always need to be in a situation where you can provide econmically for you and your daughter on your own. I wish alot of luck and by all means work it out with your husband he may have some feelings deep down inside he has not worked out yet. We can not judge others if we do not want to be judged. God did not make us perfect....and marriage is one of the most hardest challenges in life. If he is being dishonest with you it does not help if you are not being honest with him and telling him how you really feel. Sorry if i sound hard on you but this is not going to be easy. I pray for you that god gives you the wisdom to handle this problem and that your husband will deeply apoligize for keeping this information from you. Take care and i hope you resolve this issue soon so you can move to the next chapter.

Johanna - posted on 08/03/2011

Without honesty and trust you have no foundation,so sorry but I am in my second divorce over the exact thing and he has financial responsibility issues . Finances say a lot about a person. My husband was going to adopt mine and now he is ready to walk away cause it's the "easy" thing to do. nice ,right. They look at kids as kids rather than "their" kids . Sorry to say it but it's true.

Elena - posted on 08/03/2011

I believe you can trust him anymore...keep a distance and try to become less communicative, will he react and ask you what happened to you?! Then you can start a discussion...

Kristin - posted on 07/27/2011

@Christine Johnson, I am sorry your going through all of that. Its not easy, but if you need to talk please feel free to contact me.
To all of the rest of you, thank you for your support and thoughts, You all have made me feel better about doing what I had to do. THANK YOU ALL!!!!!

Ginger - posted on 07/21/2011

YAY YOU!!!!!!! ♥♥♥ I am SO glad for you! You handled yourself wonderfully... and I'm thrilled that he reacted as he did. Shows he's not a coward -- lol.... I wish you ALL the best and that the both of you continue to move forward into your lives and marriage! There's gonna be ups and downs, but you proved that you can whether the downs pretty good! Kudos and more HUGS! YAY!

Christine - posted on 07/18/2011

i am in almost the exact same boat only not only with money but there have also been some other issues hes been hideing from me some he knows i know about and the money hes been very good at hideing. i dont know how much you love this guy but i have had it with mine. it all started with the money issues and trust started going down hill from there thats how i found all the other things he was hidding in search for the money. of course i havent brought up the money issue to him because i dont have proof but our relationship has snowballing downhill over everything else that weve talked about that i do have proof of. the only advise i have is that if something as important as money is hidden whatelse that a man would either deem the same or less is also hidden?

Lauren - posted on 07/13/2011

You are defintely not over reacting one bit, trust in a relationship is a big deal, and for him to be lying to you about buying things, then your right what else could he be lying to you about. You have every right to be feeling the way you do right now and you most defintely should just tell him straight and how it is, i wouldnt even look into him adopting your daughter until he proves to you, you can trust him and that he isnt going to go behind your back and do anything dodgy, i mean if he cant be open and tell you everything then how are you supose to trust him around your daughter aswell, you deserve so much better than a liar, do what you feel is right and dont let him squirm his way around you and make out as if ur over exaggerating or anything because all these so called men have a good way of twisting things when it doesnt suit them, or they dont like what they are hearin, keep your chin up and if you ever need to talk feel free to message me.

Alexis - posted on 07/12/2011

I am so happy the confrontation went well. I hope he will get better. It sounds like he has a problem. A bit like gambling or drinking. Good luck for the future.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/12/2011

I think Rebekah and Rachael gave some amazingly great unbias advice!! Wondering is he has a shopping habit/addiction too? My ebay income just went down :(

Sariah - posted on 07/12/2011

Well done kristin,
Tackle all your problems this way and Leah will love life when she's older. You will to.
You are an example to me

Sarah - posted on 07/12/2011

You did the right thing. I hope he keeps his word. I am so glad you got that out and did it in the right manner. I hope things work out for the best for you and your daughter.

Diane - posted on 07/12/2011

That is wonderful. Congratulations! I give you tons of kudos for keeping your cool. That is a very hard thing to do when the things that your speaking about brings back bad memories. Hope for the best with your family.

Kristin - posted on 07/12/2011

Thank you to everyone for your advice! You don't know how much it means to me to not feel alone in this! I did have a talk with him, I told him over the phone as he was on his way home that there was something I wanted to talk to him about and I wasn't going to start over the phone, but I asked him while he was driving home to think about anything that he hasn't been honest with me about. He gets home, Leahs in bed, we go into our room and close the door, and I start with how he feels my communication skills are, he said they're great, he realized his weren't so great. I asked him if theres anything that he's been hiding from me? (All of this was done in a very calm manner which I think I did very well holding my composure!) He said not that he could think of, so I ask him if he's sure, and if he's spent any money that we don't have on things that are not at the top of our priority list, he started to talk about the cd's from ebay. I asked if that was all and he said yea he thinks so. Thats when I pulled out my proof because otherwise he wasn't going to fess up about it. He put his head in his hands and said yes he spent money on all of it. He said he felt stupid and he shouldn't have done it. I asked him how he would feel if I did the same thing to him, if I lied to his face for months about stupid things, he said he'd probably have left me. So I ask him what he thinks I should do, he said I know what you should do but I dont want you to do it. I gave him one more opportunity to fess up to anything else there might have been that he hasn't said and he didnt have anything to say. I told him I get his card until I can be on his account, I decide when and how the bills are paid, which he agreed on both terms, I told him he isn't allowed on ebay anymore and he agreed whole-heartedly on that one. I also reminded him that I was already married to a liar once before and I won't live through that again, if he does this again then we're through because I deserve better and so does my daughter. If he loves us so much then that shouldn't be too hard.

Tabbatha - posted on 07/04/2011

Have you tried to bring up the subject of joint banking? have only one checking and savings that both of you have access to. It makes paying bills easier and keeping track of exactly how much money you have. I also know that some banks and accounts have minimum amounts and fees, so having several accounts will keep more money tied up to keep the account open.

Adrianna - posted on 07/04/2011

You need to just tell him that you found out that he is Hiding things from you and that not only are you pissed about it but that it truly hurts you that he would lie about something so simple as money. Love and family is what is the most important thing and he should love you enough to no hide something as little as money from you.

Ginger - posted on 07/03/2011

*Hugs you hard!*

First you're not freaking out over nothing. Point blank.

You are married. And as married you are supposed to be a team. Together. Everything good and everything bad shared equally. All decisions shared equally.

Just because he works and you don't yet does NOT in ANY way mean that he has more worth or right than you do. Because you are a team.

He takes care of the outside and you take care of the inside. SO you are both important. Now for the stashing, the secret spending and the lying to cover up his mess:
He's wrong and he knows he is WRONG. If he were right- he would NOT lie about it at all. Point blank. Period.

You have every right to be pissed. And He will be pissed about you knowing too. Or at least on the 'how' you came to know it. First you wouldn't have searched if he had been honest with you. Fear and concern can make one do some pretty dumb things. But when your gut instincts are calling you out you have no other choice. Its simple when it's just a boy friend girlfriend situation- but you are married and you have a child involved. No matter that he is not the child's father- he's in your childs life. A part of that life and have come to matter to your child. A child is no one to trifle with! Little feelings hurt really BIG because they havent had the experience to deal with it... and this can potentially affect your child in the long term... if Your husband cannot come clean and be honest with you now he'll have no reason to ever be honest with you in the future.

Don't let him adopt your daughter right now. It is so NOT a good idea.

I agree with others that you need to confront him- not in anger and with your daughter elsewhere. She does NOT need to be a witness to arguing especially when it can become so heated.
If he feels that he needs to have his 'own' money to spend on what he wants without criticism, then that is fine. But it needs to be fair. The monies should be spent 3 ways. And when you start working your income should be included too... but three ways: 1 for all bills and necessities 2. and 3 are to you and him. That way all of the bills are paid and then he has monies to spend and so do you. If he cannot agree to that and wants to continue lying? Then I suggest you figure out how to get away from him and get on with your life. Marriage is a partnership. Built with honesty, and love. If you cannot trust the one who is supposed to be your best friend, partner, lover and father to your children.... you cant have much of a marriage. Sometimes it is easier to stay than to go...but in the long run everyone loses- especially the children.

Melissa - posted on 07/03/2011

Look you need to follow your gut, you can't go wrong. If you think somethings up then ask him, and find out what's going on so that you atleast have a chance to be prepared for the worst. I was in this spot and it's no fun trying to cope with the insecurities that come with this. Could you just outright ask him?? My husband started treating me like crap in December and I knew then something was up I just couldn't prove it yet. Then in Janurary I find myself sitting down in a doctors office, crying, just found out I had cancer, alone, husband wasn't there. Then in February he said he was at work but wasn't when I called. He was out with the "other" woman that day. I went tracked him down drug him home, punched the hell out of him for good measure and went slam off. But he admitted it, and here we are post surgery still together and married but trying to get over trust issues. The "other" woman ended up getting an abortion when she was 17 weeks pregnant to hide it from her husband who was coming home from Iraq. Trust your gut, get on your feet and so what you gotta do. It's going to be hard but you have to be true to yourself and take care of your babies. God bless ya.

Stifler's - posted on 07/03/2011

You're not freaking out about nothing. You;re married, he shouldn't be lying to you and hiding money and getting stuff sent to another address so you don't find out about it, that is ridiculous. I would ask him flat out why he's doing all this and demand a joint account/a card to his account and internet banking password personally.

Lauren - posted on 07/02/2011

What! I can't believe what some people are telling you..... listen you are married to him which basically means share. He needs to share everything, women are generally better with money then men so he should let you handle the bills. Get your license make more money then him ;) and then tell him you want a joint account period. I make alittle more then my husband. He's terrible with money so I have my own account that my paycheck goes into strictly for ALL the bills and savings. His paycheck goes into our joint account and pays 1 or 2 bills and the rest we share

Janelle - posted on 07/02/2011

I would just be straight forward with him. If you are willing to let him into your life, he should be equally willing to let you into his. If he can't be honest with you about money, then to me that's a MAJOR red flag. Tell him, what you know (not necessarily HOW you know), this will scare him hopefully into being truthful. And tell him that you feel like he's not serious about your relationship. To be completely honest even if he does come clean, who's to say he's not keeping other things from you. It's easy for me to say "just leave the jerk, there are better and bigger fish in the sea" but I understand that when you are in love, it's easier said than done. Just keep in mind that you want to do right by you and your child. Good luck.

Sarah - posted on 07/02/2011

Wow. Some of these replies suprise me. First off just because you don't make money does not mean you don't have a right to know what is going on with it. This is your livelyhood as well and what happens with his money happens to you. I would suggest first getting all the information you could before you talk to him. This is not snooping this is looking into your finances. If one knows there is something wrong than there is no reason you can not research it for yourself. After you have all the information than talk to him. I would also ask to be involved with the bills and money decisions for now on. Just because you are a women and don't make the money does not mean you should be in the dark about where the money is coming and going from. If things are going on behind your back and you choose to ignore them or not learn about it than you will end up with nothing in the end and no where to turn. What if he starts using your name with money and messes with your credit? You are equal to him and deserve to know everything. Don't turn a blind eye, it is your life too he is messing with and you are going to have to stand up for yourself. Hope all goes well for you. I would also hold off on the adoption until he has proven himself trustworthy for a long time. You don't want to have to go through a custody battle if it somes down to it.

Sariah - posted on 07/02/2011

Coming from a husband, if I was told to only listen while my wife explained everything that had happened, how my trust had been questioned, that my wife has been sick with stress, that she and been looking at my eBay account, which she was sorry, but didn't know what else to do, that she knows what i've been doing... Then the only way I would still react sourly would be if I knew what I was doing was wrong.

Sit him down when your daughter is out of the house, just in case.

Everything in your marriage will become out of proportion until you are both on equal terms and understanding.



You may have right on your side, but if you react the way post number 22 suggests, you marriage could very well be over. Just remember contention drives out the spirit. And one of the fruits of the spirit is love.

Hayley - posted on 07/02/2011

right you need to get all your infomation so when you confront him, you have all the facts, once you gathered up paperwork, credit card statments proof of him purchasing stuff, ask him simply for money or something and see what he says, if he says havnt got any, then pass him over the papers and say well thats funny cause you spent quite alot recently!! see what he says and go from there xx

Cindy - posted on 07/02/2011

No, you are not freaking out about nothing. I wouldn't let him adopt your daughter just yet. And your right, if he is lying about ALL of this what else is he lying about? Are you able to get a part time job until you finish school? that would possibly help a little bit if you are able to. But if you get a job and he keeps it up go to a friends house for a while or family if they live close by with your daughter for as long as you can to show him how much he needs you. I had to do this with my husband under different circumstances but he begged me to come home. I will be hard but it may be worth it and it will make you stronger and that is what you need to be especially for your daughter. Hope this helps.

Alexis - posted on 07/01/2011

My biggest suggestion is when you confront him, do it without anger. I let my issues build inside me till I went off at my ex fiancé and I ended up hurting my self.

Emily - posted on 07/01/2011

Girl you have every right to know what's going on. Your married and your supposed to be sharing a life together. As a women who has been dealing with lying and cheating for a while I would say he's up to something. Men that truly want to share their life with someone don't spend money and hide stuff then try to say they can't pay bills. It's up to you to take care of your daughter. Get a part time job if need be and start saving what you can no one is going to look out for except you. Be strong and don't take that crap, I believe in having your own money and sharing the expenses but that's just unexceptable and believe me if the roles were reversed he'd have something to say about it. Good luck:)

Danelle - posted on 07/01/2011

weel for starters you guys are married so your money isn't seperate anymore, it's both of yours so you have every right to want to know how the money that is supporting your family is spent. and the snooping was obviously warrented cuz he is lying and hiding thnigs from you. if he's hiding money now, he could start lying and hiding other things in the future. i had a similar probem with my exhusband were if i had't snooped i never would've found out that he had been cheating on me and keeping other money isses from me. and i dont think you should let him adopt your child if you cant trust him then why should your daughter have to trust and rely on him as well. so no your not freakiing out about nothing and you definitly should confront him and try and get as much documented proof as possible when you do so, so you have evidence to back up the conversation your having. also try and wait until your daughter isn't home or is asleep so she doesn't have to witness the fight.

Kunang - posted on 07/01/2011

No, your not freaking out about nothing. I think the best thing to do would be to come clean. Don't let him adopt your daughter either. One loving, trustworthy parent, is better than two parents but one of them being unreliable. Trust your instincts and do whats best for you and your daughter!

Rachael - posted on 07/01/2011

It sounds like you have a HUGE trust issue, warranted or not, the snooping and hacking into his account is just as bad if not WORSE than his lying to you to begin with. I am currently a student, and have not had a job since I was put on bed rest 2 months before my 26 month old was born. My husband foots most of the bills, while I use my savings to pay what I can. The way I see it, when I have a job and am supporting the family more equally, I may have more of a say when it comes to finances. Right now when my husband asks about a larger expense I discuss with him the impact it would have to our current lifestyle. there have been a few things that he has decided to purchase that I wouldn't have, but it isn't going to break our bank so it doesn't matter. As long as your husband is paying the bills I would talk to him and tell him that he doesn't need to hide things from you, and that you understand that he can and should be able to make purchases without your permission as long as all bills can still be paid. I assume you don't show him receipts for every pair of shoes, mani/pedi, ect. You should also come clean about the snooping and start over from a point of mutual respect and trust.

Alicia - posted on 07/01/2011

I don't agree with anyone who says that you are in the wrong for snooping, by the way. If you never snooped, you wouldn't know anything, only think things, which is worse. Obviously he can't tell you the truth, and it needs to be known. So, it is 100% his fault that you snooped. He deserves it!

Toni - posted on 07/01/2011

No, you are not freaking out about nothing!! As a married couple, it is strange to me that you do not have a joint account, but I understand that not everyone does the same things. That being said, it is really crazy that he is hiding spending that kind of money, and then lieing to you about where the stuff has come from. I would definitely ask him what the H is going on! Try to be calm when asking him though, because otherwise you will end up in a screaming match. Maybe ask try to have your daughter stay somewhere one night and then confront him. I don't understand why he would be worried about the bills, but feel fine with spending $500 on non-essentials. MEN!! Good luck hun! I hope you get things resolved, I don't know how you have not snapped yet.

Melisa - posted on 07/01/2011

I think honesty would be best. But dealing with the issue needs to be handle with the utmost care, Directly challenge and he will shut down and switch off. And you will be no closer to an answer. In fact, you will be further away then before. As hard as it may seem, try to be submissive about it. You don't want to get his back up about it. Show him that you know and that you don't agree with what he is doing. Guys have a nasty habit of seeing things differently to us woman. Just be very tactful with your words. Don't allow him to side track you on small points or points that doesn't really exist. But don't make a war out of it. A quietly spoken word can be very powerful on a husband's conscience.

Alexandra - posted on 06/30/2011

I think that you should start being honest with each other, at the moment you are doing exactly what he's doing - hiding things from him and going behind his back - you need to set an example and be the bigger person and confront him and have a logical discussion. Make him log into his bank account with you there so you can see it. Don't just keep snooping - it only makes you sink to his level. Sorry, that's my opinion. I would be pretty pissed off too but going behind his back will make it worse.

Alicia - posted on 06/30/2011

I can understand him being worried about money and trying to save some in case an emergency came about. However, I cannot see any justification in him buying things behind your back with quite a lot of money and lying about, and even more so, being skimpy with the money that you get. He should care enough about you to want you to have some money or do things with you, like go out every once in a while. He sounds extremely selfish and it seems like he thinks he only deserves to experience the finer things in life. It is sad that you are married. I would be worried, because what does that say about the things he will do (or most likely will not do) for your daughter.

Magda - posted on 06/30/2011

Hi Kristin, I can understand how you feel and how badly you want to confront him and call him any name possible but by experience I can tell you it will not work. Guys have the ability to deny everything even with proof in hand. As difficult as it may seem try to think of his reasons for going about it this way & hiding it. then calmy have a serene intimate talk with him, If he feels comfortable and not "attacked" he might just open up and fess up. Men tend to act like boys when they get caught they get mad and storm out. I know the anger you feel @ being betrayed by your husband may make it a bit harder to stay calm but @ the end of the day you gotta concentrate in the bigger picture, not just this bad piece. I've been there before not as bad but w a few things here n there ( i've been married 7 years) it took that long to realize that going on "attack" mode is not the best solution. Best of luck to you hope it all works out. God bless you & your family...

Chesnie - posted on 06/30/2011

I totallt agrEe with u. Unfortunatly i hide purchases from my husband like from ebay but its srupid stuff like earrungs or clothes for our daughter things i know he thinks is a waste of money but then again im not paying the bills he has plenty of money for himself and i do it after i buy groceries and things we need for the house! Im a shopaholic and buy frivolous things online that we dont need. Its a habit! Sounds like he is one too! Just what others say talk to him, confront him and show what u found then offer to get him some help!

Kerrie - posted on 06/29/2011

A relationship without trust is not a relationship at all. nuff said :) If you can't trust him to be open and honest with you then what the point in being there in the first place. I think that if you call him on his actions it would not stop him from doing it. It would only make him become more secretive about what he is doing. And he will find different ways to hide things from you. If you can't trust him then don't stay. You can't put yourself through the torture. It's not fair to yourself.

Chrystal - posted on 06/29/2011

You are definitely not freaking out about nothing. He is lying to you. And that is not cool. I would just let him know what you know and what you have found out. If he tries to turn it around on you saying that you don't trust him b/c you were snooping. Say oh well I'm glad I did b/c now you have lost my trust. He will either change or not. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I would definitely think twice about letting him adopt your child b/c you are right. If he's lying to you about these things what else could he be lying to you about. Good luck with your situation and I hope everything works out for the best for you.

Kristin - posted on 06/29/2011

Thank you!

Rebekah - posted on 06/29/2011

There's another piece to the puzzle - he's been hurt in the past by someone who STOLE from him! Not trying to justify his actions, but this gives you an idea of WHY he's hiding money - as long as that is the only thing he is hiding.

If I were in your shoes, I'd seriously splurge... send the kid(s) away for the night, make dinner, make it fun and romantic... and then tell him that you want an open and honest relationship. Tell him something you have never told him before that maybe someone else doesn't know and then have him do the same. Then tell him you want no secrets between you and would like to have all secrets out on the table now. If he doesn't tell you, tell him that you've found some secrets of his that he hasn't told you and then tell him how this made you feel -- hurt, worried, etc. Tell him you understand he's been hurt in the past in this area, but you promise to confide in him and to ask him about purchases before they are made because you are partners and you don't want to hurt him. See how he responds to this... if it continues, I'd suggest counseling.

Kristin - posted on 06/29/2011

Thank you both, I've been trying to figure out how to confront him about this and I can't come up with a good way to do it. I usually know exactly what he'll say to each question I ask him and its usually another lie. I spoke with a guy friend of mine about it and he said what if he's just saving money for something special, a surprise? If he's saving money, why can't he just tell me he's saving money? This is my 2nd marriage, my first husband lied to me every single day, cheated on me lord only knows how many times, abused me mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. I feel like I am back to that. He knows what my ex did to me. I know that he's been burned in the past, one of his exes stole his truck payment money from him so he lost his truck. I got over my wounds, still working on some but for the most part I got over everything. Why can't he? I literally get an "allowance" since I'm not making my own money yet. And sometimes its just a few dollars over what the bills cost that come out of my account. As far as I know we don't have the money to go out and do anything because he handles the money. I ask him to allow me to be a part of it so he doesn't stress by himself, he says ok I will, but he never does. He let me take care of the bills for a few weeks 2 years ago, he'd hand me all of the money from his check, I'd seperate it into envelopes, then split whatever was left between us so that it was equal. He didn't like that, would say why do you get all of the money? I'd tell him that I only got $20 for the week just like him, the rest would go to bills. Like I said, it only lasted a couple of weeks.

Diane - posted on 06/29/2011

Kristin, I don't think you are over reacting at all. Now this is your husband, your husband should not be keeping things from you. You guys are supposed to be one. Are you guys struggling for anything? If so I would bring it up and when he says he doesn't have the money for it bring the subject up. Or when the kids are at a sleep over or away have a sit down and hack it out. This is causing you health issues. It is better to get it out now and try and work on things before those issuse get any worse. Ask him if anything else is going on that you need to know about. Tell him how it makes you feel as his wife that he kept this from you and lied. I don't see any reason why he would keep it from you. I know I kinda went in a circle but you get the jest. Its not healthy for your body mind or family. Hope this helps.

Rebekah - posted on 06/29/2011

No, you're not freaking about nothing. If he can't be open and honest, how can you trust him? Personally, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't let him know that I researched anything, but I'd ask him straight out about things... if he still kept lying to me, then I'd just say "I know you are lying to me and I know the truth, so I want to hear it from you." If he still kept lying, then I would pull out the things I knew about. If he can hide this, what makes you think he couldn't hide another girlfriend or something?! To me this is a serious issue and needs to be confronted in a gentle, loving way, even if you are really mad inside.