husbands

Marisa - posted on 09/14/2010 ( 26 moms have responded )

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this morning i found out that before me and my husband got married, he cheated on me with my step sister. I don't know what to do he lied to me and cheated on me now we are married. The worst part is, i had to find out about it from his brother and his sister-in-law.

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Heather - posted on 09/15/2010

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My advice is to take a step back from the situation for a minute and evaluate. First, talk to your husband. Not a screaming, messy, one-sided rant, but an actual conversation where you find out if he can admit what he did or if he is going to lie about it, if he is truly sorry, and if he is willing to do whatever it take to make it up to you. Then, evaluate what you want to do. Do you still love him and do you want to make your marriage work, not for the kids, but for you? Do you think that with time and counseling you can get past what he did? If so, then I would say definitely see a marriage counselor.
The thing about a post like this is that everything is telling you what they would do - you have to do what's right for you in your relationship, not what's right for someone else.
I will keep you in my thoughts and good luck.

Katharine - posted on 09/14/2010

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How do you feel about this?
What type of man did you think you were marrying?
What type of woman do you want to represent?
Do you feel that staying with your husband is worth it JUST for the kids?
Can you forgive and forget?...honestly?
Cheaters are very hard to trust especially when they are cheaters who not only disrespect your love but boldly do it with a family member. I’m sorry but coming away from this situation with security and trust won’t be easy nor (on my opinion) worth it. Yes marriage is sacred but you didn’t break that bond, he did. He should have to reap the consequences of his actions. I don’t know how deep you love him but I suggest a separation should occur to give you time to think this through because this is going to be a stressful time in your life and quite frankly you need the space and time to heal from this in order to reevaluate the importance of your marriage and your family life, you thought you both would have. The ball is in your court, you make all the shots. Remember A happy mom makes a happy Baby…take care of yourself and stay around people who love you and have your best interest in mind. “Every obstacle is not there to break you but to build you and make you stronger, conquer it with confidence and you gain a new you”---me---

God Bless

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26 Comments

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Chrissie - posted on 06/03/2011

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Oh hunny I'm so sorry that's horrible...



I'd say you need to do what you feel in your heart. Just because you are married does not mean you have to stay with him. The fact of the matter is he lied to you, and you didn't know. Would you have left him or forgave him if you would have found out before you were married? Once you have that answer, I think you'll know what to do. Good luck ♥

Nichole - posted on 09/18/2010

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I would ask him if its true and if it was then i would walk away from him because once a cheater always a cheater

Jade - posted on 09/17/2010

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That is horrible. I don't think he wants to loose you and that is why he has not told you. Since you know now you might want to sit and have a one on one conversation with him and talk about it. Depending on how long ago it is you might not want to destroy your relationship. I know what you are going through. At the beginning of my pregnancy my fiance cheated on me, yes I can say that he did not sleep with her but he was meeting up with her and things like that and going out on dates; but I just recently found out and that was over 14 months ago. Yes it hurts to know that he did that but at the same time he was man enough to finally tell me and tell me how bad he feels. So I don't want to destroy my family. It's going to take a long time for me to forgive him but I need my daughter to have her father and he told me he has not done anything since and has been loyal to our relationship and that he feels like the worse piece of shit out there. I hope you can come to a conclusion that is right for you and your baby. Good Luck!

Miranda - posted on 09/17/2010

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I'm sorry.....how long has it been since you found out? Have the 2 of you sat down and talked about it? What a b*tch of a step sister. I couldn't even imagine what you are going through...trust is a very important part of marriage and if there is no trust let how can you continue to trust him? I would always be thinking if he was telling me the truth now or lying, was that the only time he cheated on me or has he done it again and is lying about it? Good Luck!!

Jessica - posted on 09/17/2010

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well it depends if he has been faithful to u during ur marriage if so then u know what forgive and forget people make mistakes

Donna - posted on 09/16/2010

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wow that sux. my husband cheated on me too, with his cousins wife! and the best part is that it was his cousin who walked in and caught the 2 of them. No lie. He was honest about it. It took me a long time to really trust him again. Theres good days and bad days. Maybe u should talk to him about it , then go from there.

Chani - posted on 09/16/2010

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I think the dishonesty part is worse then the cheating, take your time thinking about how you feel about this, then talk to him, see if he can be honest with you. Trust is a hard thing to build back up once it has been destroyed, he is going to have to work really hard if he wants your love and trust back.

Josephine - posted on 09/16/2010

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I know a lot of women say if he cheated they would leave...but it's easy to say when you haven't been in that situation. Me myself...I have been in the cheating situation, and I tried to work things out but I honestly couldn't. But it wasn't before I was married it was during the marriage. He admitted it and begged me to stay. But I couldn't and it was a personal decision. I would be hurt and betrayed, by both parties. I say talk to your husband and demand an answer, and if he doesn't answer it to your satisfaction then it is up to you whether or not you want to drag in the step sister. The more people you drag into this situation the more people that will judge. And think about your life as you knew it...is it worth the destruction divorce may do? Way your options...you'll know what to do just follow your instinct and heart! Good luck, and I'm sorry you're hurting.

Crystal - posted on 09/16/2010

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My advice is that if u can not trully for give him, it will not work between the two of u without alot of complications. it is a very hard decision that you have to make, be strong.......

Sarah - posted on 09/16/2010

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I'm sorry but i'm not that forgiving! if my husband cheated on me i would leave him! If you love someone you don't do something to hurt them or disrespect them! and thats what he did! he hurt you and disrespected you by cheating especially with a family member of yours! i don't know about you but everytime i would go to a family function with both of them present i would be thinking about the fact that they both did that to you! its not just his fault its hers as well! i hate it when people put the blame on one person... i'm sorry but it takes 2 ppl to cheat! how long had you guys been together before he cheated? were you engaged when he cheated? i guess if he cheated at the beginning of your relationship it would be different because maybe you guys weren't serious at the time! but i still think that no matter what cheating is uncalled for! in my opinion if he truly feels guilty about what happened he should tell you the truth and do whatever it takes to work things out! if he makes excuses for his actions or places the blame on someone else he obviously doesn't feel sorry about it! good luck! its a hard place to be in and i'd hope if i ever was in your place i would be strong enough to take my own advice! its easy to think you'd know what to do but when you actually have to do it its a different story!

Shannan - posted on 09/16/2010

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I kinda know what it's like. My fiancé cheated on me with our babysitter, yes the babysitter. I found out from her husband and her before he finally admitted to it. We're still together and it's hard to work thru it bc it hurts and I suggest u both see someone to talk about ur feelings with bc if not it'll cause fight after fight. Wish u the best in whatever decisions u make!

Kerrie - posted on 09/16/2010

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hi there marisa
as has already been said this is your decision and only yours im just so sorry its such a hard one
my personal opinion if it was my partner is this and im sorry if it upsets you that is not what is inteneded........
i would never be able to trust him again
i feel that if my partner was even thinking about cheating we shouldnt be together
i would always find myself throwing it at him in arguements etc (no matter how much i promised i wouldnt its just one of them things)
i would prob turn into a paranoid freak everytime he went out or got a text or anything suss
this is just off top of my head
i would then want myself and my daughter away from him.....however i would like to think i wouldnt stop him having access
unfortuanately you dont know how u would react in this situation unless you had been there
i would want my daughter bought up in a happy environment at all times
good luck

Sheradan - posted on 09/15/2010

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Talk with him and see what he says. Say to him "Is there anything that you need to tell me?" If he lies to you and doesnt say anything about it there is little hope or just a long road. If he does want to tell you and wants to tell the truth then there is hope. I would also talk with your step sister and ask her what happened to see if what ur husband says checks out with ur step sister. I wish you the best.

[deleted account]

this is something that has no right or wrong answer to your decision on what to do. That being said I can only give you MY opinion. I do not believe in cheating. If someone cheated on me I would not be with them. The fact that you found out about this from his family, and not him would make me question what else is he hiding.? Maybe he is so regretful and ashamed of what he did and that's why he never told you.... but I think before you tied the knot he owed you the truth.
Again there is NO right or wrong answers. If in your heart you feel that you can work this out, you need to sit him down and find out WHY he did it and WHY he didn't tell you. When he did it and how he feels about her, how he feels now that you know the truth.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Jessica - posted on 09/15/2010

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First of all I am so sorry this happened. I know what it is like to lose trust in your husband. I think that you should really think about whether you will ever be able to move on after this. Will you be able to look at him the way you did before you found out? I would also talk to him and see if he is willing to be honest about it and what he is going to do to fix it. I think that you should figure out whether YOU would ever be happy in the relationship again. Good Luck.

[deleted account]

I really liked Heather's reply to your post. You might also want to evaluate your relationship with his brother and sister in law (why they told you) and your step sister because everyones relationship will be changing. Sorry to hear about the situation and how you found out!

Tamira - posted on 09/15/2010

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That would be very painful and very hard to get over in hurry. I suggest you take a break and then see how you feel cause the anger will keep coming up over time.

Krista - posted on 09/15/2010

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To me, it wouldn't matter how long ago this occured. I don't think I could ever forgive and forget. You just have to talk to him a/b it and go from there. Everyone deals with things differently. But, I would never be able to trust my hubby again if I was in this situation.

[deleted account]

This is a tough one. I agree with asking how long ago and if he has done it since, but I would completely understand it hurting the marriage. How could you ever trust someone who didn't have the balls to admit this mistake to your face? Sorry, I'm not putting down your husband, it would just be my feelings on the matter if it were my husband.

Good luck, I hope you can work it out.

Sarh - posted on 09/14/2010

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I agree w/Laura. Also, find out if he has cheated since. Maybe try to ask him if he has feelings for her... not sure if you can, but I know immediately when my fiancee is lien!

Laura - posted on 09/14/2010

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That is horrible. I really feel for you. He probably didnt confess as he didnt want to loose what he has for you. How long ago was it (if you dont mind me asking?) I wouldnt want to loose a marriage over something that happened eons ago but thats just me. You have to do what is right for you

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