I am really embarrassed to ask this

Shannon - posted on 11/06/2009 ( 108 moms have responded )

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I dont know if we are even allowed to talk about this on here, but its about sex. I have never really had a sex drive. I pretty much feel like sex is just for reproduction and that alone. It may be because in the past it hasnt meant anything to the guy i was with. He was a cheater the whole time he could get it from anywhere so i didnt feel like it was anything special. Because of him it made me feel worse about the subject and he was my first and only till i left him. I just feel like its a meaningless act and it has always felt gross to me. I want to get rid of these feelings for my current relationship. I know he is not going to any other women to get just me and I feel bad because i never feel like doing anything,, like i said i am very embarrassed about this but i know its not normal and i want to do something about it for the sake of my relationship. I have thought of therapy but is there anyone with any other ideas? Has anyoneelse ever felt like this?





Just wanted to let you all know i have little updates throughout the comment list, LOOK for my pic in the list and you will find some answers to questions and thank yous to those who have posted. Thanks, and my name is shannon i am 25 and have 2 girls, 18 mo, and 8 years of age, both had the same dad that i was with offf and on for 7 years.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Helen - posted on 11/08/2009

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a sex drive increases the more you use it, even if you don't really feel like it then i would say go for it anyway. we have dry spells but generally we have it 2 or 3 times a week. if you don't use it you loose it

Veronica - posted on 11/06/2009

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Get your thyroid checked. And ask for a FULL PANEL blood work - otherwise they do the little one, and you never find anything out -- it could be that you may have hypothyroidism - not just insecurities. And for the most part - vitamins and minerals will do the trick. Please get it checked out - and let me know how things come out on that end. I'd like to help if they do.
V

Brandy - posted on 11/06/2009

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Are you having orgasms? Some women have to be with a few different partners before they figure out what makes them have an orgasm. Even if you are having them, they might not be the best. I know my orgasms can range from okay to mind blowing depending on the situation and how into it my fiance is that night. As much as you are not enjoying it, the only way to figure out how to make it enjoyable for you is for you and your partner to work together and spend lots of time trying to figure out what feels best to you. Spend alot of time on foreplay and have fun with it. Don't make it a chore. Preparation is important too. Lighting, candles, lingerie. Be confidant and honest with him and let him know when he is doing something that you enjoy. Get some books and try whatever looks interesting to you. And don't be embarrassed! Sex can be an amazing part of your relationship and we are all on circle of moms so obviously we're all sexually active. Do what you have to do to make it about you and him and not about sex. Good luck and have fun!

Jaclin D. - posted on 11/06/2009

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I have the same problem. It really helps to have one evening with your hubby a week, or at least once a month. My mom watches my son once or twice a month for us, overnight. And we're just us, we'll go to dinner or movie, and when we get home, we drink. Drinking alchol really helps you loosen up and open up, not getting totally wasted, just buzzed. We've learned alot about eachother. Also, print some "couples" worksheets out from the internet. Those are fun and you learn alot about your mate. Do something stupid together, act like teenagers. All this has helped us a lot. Almost forgot!! Most women cant orgasm throught intercourse. Toys are really fun to use together!! (You can use vibrators on guys too!) Shop online or at store (if theres one around you)

Michelle - posted on 11/06/2009

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i no how you feel, i dont always want sex either, yet my husband does!

if your realy bothered about it you could try doing something differant in the bedroom, like dressing up, toys;) , role playing, even watching naughty dvds, just find something that gets you going and play on it if u get what i mean,

besides if ur man is understanding enought, you should be able to talk to him and maybe you could both help each other out,

if you dont want it then you shouldnt be forced into having it, i wouldnt feel bad about it if i were you, not everybody is a sex starved nimph!!! lol just be happy with who you are and one day youll find a man that apreciated you and can make you steamy under tha covers ;) ;)

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Kenny - posted on 01/22/2013

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feeling good with sex about sex starts in your head, the largest sex organ we have.. read go online find out what u need to feel better about sex and your life should be better for it..

User - posted on 11/13/2012

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hi my name is Shannon as well ,,i have a issue with this as well i do what i do for him and i have found that if i do inn. doggie style it is better for him bc he cant see my face bc i don't want him to see if at that time i am not interested

LISA - posted on 11/13/2009

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maybe it is the lack of comfort... my husband has been the only man that ever made me comfortable to really get into it and have fun with it..... alot of times people worry about the little stuff like body image and fulfilling these fantasies media plays out for men which in return makes it seem like a job than a meaningful act... my husband doesn't ask for these types of things... he just lets me know "I" am what he wants not these fake bimbos on tv and mags... so knowing he wants ME AND ONLY ME makes it fun and crazy... absolutely the best sex I have ever experienced... always completely satisfied... plus he asked me what I like and asked about suggestions we could try together... and never ends a session until I reach my destination... I think you and your man need to conversate and even read books together on fun spicy things to do and take turns discussing what each other find hot, sexy and thrilling... you are a women... you know what would make you hot... and he maybe able to offer you things you never would have thought would turn you on... it is fun... to many people don't discuss things like this...

Mary - posted on 11/12/2009

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I have also had this problem. The first guy I had sex with cheated on me all the time as well. I never had a sex drive with him and I only got off with him once. I finally got the guts to break it off with him. Afterwards I dated and dated and never found anybody who gave me a sex drive. I gave up on relationships for a while. In this time period I had to focus on me and I think that is what helped me. I sat down and did my hair, and put on make up, and put on cute clothes everyday and worked out. I finally felt good about myself and I lost a lot of stress that I had built up on my shoulders. I finally met the man of my dreams. When I met him I actually felt sexy. I wanted to turn him on in bed, and it turned me on at how excited he got. If you don't feel sexy... whether it's from an ex cheating on you and you don't feel worthy of anyone, or if your over weight, or if you had been made fun of all your life, there is no way you will feel sexy in bed. For you and your partner, go get a spa treatment, your hair done, and a new sexy outfit! if that doesn't work, see a therapist.

Mary - posted on 11/12/2009

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I have also had this problem. The first guy I had sex with cheated on me all the time as well. I never had a sex drive with him and I only got off with him once. I finally got the guts to break it off with him. Afterwards I dated and dated and never found anybody who gave me a sex drive. I gave up on relationships for a while. In this time period I had to focus on me and I think that is what helped me. I sat down and did my hair, and put on make up, and put on cute clothes everyday and worked out. I finally felt good about myself and I lost a lot of stress that I had built up on my shoulders. I finally met the man of my dreams. When I met him I actually felt sexy. I wanted to turn him on in bed, and it turned me on at how excited he got. If you don't feel sexy... whether it's from an ex cheating on you and you don't feel worthy of anyone, or if your over weight, or if you had been made fun of all your life, there is no way you will feel sexy in bed. For you and your partner, go get a spa treatment, your hair done, and a new sexy outfit! if that doesn't work, see a therapist.

Amy - posted on 11/12/2009

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just look at it this way... you were at a very young age whenever you had your first daughter correct... i was 16 when my son was born... with the same guy for 3 1/2 years... after he was born things changed... but it usually does after child birth... but i am here to tell you that you are getting to the age were you are starting into the prime of your life and boy does it make a difference... i am currently 30 and just recently remarried on new years to my very sexy 25 year old husband... i was worried about the whole age thing but truth is he has trouble keeping up with me... we mix it up... we usually role play.... :) or sometimes just lean in close enough to let our lips meet or graze but no kissing, stare into the others soul through each others eyes, and when you start the foreplay.... do just that play before you do... lol.... a gentle sexy graze down his chest or thigh or a slight rub near his "boys" but don't jump the gun.... play with the situation..... arousment can so increase the drive.... make him aware of what is about to come but take your time... trust me the waiting will intise you as well as him... good luck and have fun.... relax it's just sex..... lol..... :)

Alison - posted on 11/11/2009

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Hello. I think maybe stop looking at it so physically. I myself have never really gotten into sex so much until my boyfriend, who is the father of my only baby boy. I started getting much more comfortable with him b/c of how much I love him. I started finding it fun to see him so "pleased". I felt it as more love than sex. Wanting to personally be a little closer to him b/c I loved him so much. You probably felt with your ex boyfriend that it was more of a chore than anything. That isn't going to be very fun for you at all. I say next time look at your new boyfriend first, and just think about how fun it would be for YOU to make him happy. You will get more pleasure out of it and definitely feel much more comfortable. But don't get frustrated and just take your time with it. If it never ends up being a little getting easier. maybe you should look into therapy.

Vicky - posted on 11/11/2009

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Hi Shannon, I know what you mean. I would rather go to bed with a good book than my husband. I have 4 kids ( only the youngest is my husbands) aged between 10 and 3yrs old. I have been with my husband nearly 5yrs but i was single for nearly 2yrs after my ex left me to move in with some1 else. The first thing i think you need is to take thing slowly, don't feel presured into anything. Sex isn't everything in a relationship. If this guy really cares about you he'll understand. If you can get someone to have the kids for a night and do something together. A meal or something. Make an effort and doll yourself up so you feel and look great. I think your self esteam is low which considering what you ex did is understandable. Plus kids do tire you out. Even if you can't get a sitter put them to bed early and then cuddle on the sofa with a takeaway and a film. Also depression can lower a sex drive you might be suffering from it check for other symptons even if its just to rule it out and remember sex is only one part of a relationship and the closer emotionally you get the easier it'll get. Good luck

Laura - posted on 11/11/2009

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It is so nice to read all this stuff. I have the same kinda stuff with my husband. We have been married for 5 years and it has been rocky with him and drug use and big time trust issues. I dont want sex from him. He tells me its not normal and its part of a relationship. I also want to push him away when he kisses me. it feels fake to me. i want to know why besides all the past history issues.

[deleted account]

I agree with Veronica. I have been having the same problems as you. I got my blood drawn and come to find out my thyriod level was low so I started meds. I'm not sure if it's going to help b/c I just started them. Also have been feeling tired and wornout? These are also signs of thyriod problems.

FayAnne - posted on 11/11/2009

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i am the same exact way!!!!!!! im not sure what to do either i don't know what it is im sorry i cant help i just wanted you to know you're not alone. it's weird i was just saying this morning that sex was only for reproducing and nothing else as well.

Shannon - posted on 11/11/2009

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I cant beleive all the comments i have got its great to have this place to go for support and advice, Thank you all sooooo much things are getting better, i am focussing more on us and not the "physics" of it just the love and its helping a lot. He is very loving and understanding about it all, and I am trying not to let the stress of my day with the kids come between us but that is hard. After having the kids hanging on me and chasing the llittle one around i just dont have the energy, or the nerves left when he starts messing with me, but all in all things are getting better and we will be planning some time away from the house, I think we could both use that.

[deleted account]

enjoy the small intimate moments, like holding hands and cuddling up. enjoy the kisses and hugs. it takes work. that's all a therapist would tell you. just get comfortable with the person. be open to how you are feeling.

Jennifer - posted on 11/10/2009

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After i had my son i thought i wasnt gonna want to have sex but it cause my babydaddy cheated on me while we was together an wen i found out i was prego he broke it off wit me after 4 yrs an now that hes out the pic i have found a guy who i do lk to have sex wit an it doesnt feel weird..i say dnt worry bout the past an look to the fwd. if yall r happy together thats all that matters..

Amanda - posted on 11/10/2009

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It sounds like a self-esteem issue. I have felt my sex drive diminish when i'm feeling particularly overweight or unattractive regardless of what my husband says. It seems that maybe being in such a relationship as your previous one where you were treated in a way as to make you possibly feel like you weren't special or important enough would cause your sex drive to falter. I think that if you feel safe and secure in your relationship and your partner makes you feel important that you desire to be with him will improve. It may be difficult but I'd try talking with your partner and maybe if he knows the situation, he'll make more of an effort to make you feel special and thus improve everything all around.

On a side note, therapy could help and I've heard on the radio about various drug trials targeted at women with decreased sexual drives.

Hope this helps..wasn't trying to psychoanalyze or anything..

Kristy - posted on 11/10/2009

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you may want to try some testosterone creams/ stimulant creams, just plan a nice sensual night and have fun with it. as for not having any insurance, call your local planned parenthood and/or health dept.you may have low testosterone...

Rene' - posted on 11/10/2009

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I have had a similar experience, but it has always been painful for me. It has also been an ugly and unclean thing for me for most of my life. I have discussed this with my husband several times and believe it or not he is very understanding. Because it is pain rather than just a lack of desire he is very careful. If he truely loves you he will understand and if he doesn't, he's not worth it. I will tell you that a lot of my problem is that I don't know how to relax. When you can't relax your muscles it can cause a lot of pain. A dr once called it vaginismous (sp??). It usually happens to women that have been raped or sexually abused. I haven't been either, but becuase of the experiences that I have had I might as well have as far as my mind and body are concerned. Either way, it is always the best thing to wait until you are married. That way you can be sure that the guy is worth it and you can discuss it before you ever go there. I know that this is kinda off subject, but I hope it helps someone.

[deleted account]

I am pretty much the same. I am 26 with a 4 year old and am now 7 months pregnant with my second. Ever since getting pregnant with my 4 year old i have had prety much zero sex drive. sorry i dont have any advice to give i just wanted you to know that your not alone. :)

Courtney - posted on 11/10/2009

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I am been in your shoes, and the only thing that helped for me was I had to started feeling better about myself. When I started that whether it was fixing myself all up or getting all dressed up. It made me feel sexy and want to be involved in sex.

Nicole - posted on 11/10/2009

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Quoting Shannon:



Quoting carly:

i found kinesiology works. it helps clear subconscious memories which trigger a reaction in your physical world.. this help with every aspect of your life etc. its up to you but i personally think it saved my relationship






What is this?





here is a wiki link. hope this will help define it for you.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinesiology

Maranda - posted on 11/10/2009

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I have had 3 kids and at times feel the same way, I don't want to think about sex I just want to sleep! But my husband does try to help me out around the house as much as he can when he's not working. You have to find what works for you & your partner. Sometimes a massage works for me, or even doing the laundry or washing the dishes. Foreplay for a woman starts way before you actually get to the bedroom. If we have a stressful day it's just hard to get in the mood. Hope this helps you!

Michelle - posted on 11/10/2009

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I was on the depo after my daughter and I noticed that my sex drive totally decreased, which I don't really have one to begin with...I also can go without, its just not that big of a deal for me! But trying new things when time permits is a great way of opening the door and just remember not everyone is the same as the one who forced or abused the sex situation! My ex did the same he pressured me which lead me to not really care bout having it, or he found someone else! Til you are able to get on his insurance try the state for medical...just an option thats what I am doing for medical right now! After my last child I went on the 5 yr IUD and I honestly have no complaints about that one and nice to not ever have to remember about taking a pill or getting a shot every few months!! Just keep your head up and don't ever feel like you HAVE to!!

Ashley - posted on 11/10/2009

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I've been like that since getting pregnant with my son... then again, my only stable relationship, and I no longer felt the need to have sex to keep the guy around... sex never did anything for me, I don't feel anything when it comes to sex... so really no use for it besides baby making.

Shannon - posted on 11/10/2009

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Quoting carly:

i found kinesiology works. it helps clear subconscious memories which trigger a reaction in your physical world.. this help with every aspect of your life etc. its up to you but i personally think it saved my relationship



What is this?

Carly - posted on 11/10/2009

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i found kinesiology works. it helps clear subconscious memories which trigger a reaction in your physical world.. this help with every aspect of your life etc. its up to you but i personally think it saved my relationship

Elizabeth - posted on 11/09/2009

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i had a problem kinda like htat wiht past bfs. espeically the worse the guy the lower it was. but with my current its like i hit a major sex drive and has been that way for the 3 years we been together.. so maybe your just not with the right person? or if you have depression (not saying you are but just incase) some pplz take medication for that that can lower you sex drive too.

Cinnamon - posted on 11/09/2009

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I use to be very into sex, until after I had my son, who is now 4 years old. My husband was always saying that I USE to always want to have sex, then I started reading articles in COSMO to get different ideas so that helped then. Afer my daughter, who is 2 years old, I got the same way for a few months. I started buying dress up sexy outfits. With me, I found that dressing up made me feel sexy and made me want sex more. We experimented with positions, toys and dress up outfits and it helped alot. I am a military wife and my husband recently got home from overseas, and the seperation made our relationship even stronger and we are more attracted to each other than ever...so that helps out alot. I hope everything works out for you.

Rebecca - posted on 11/09/2009

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I have the same feelings, however, every know and than I have that drive, but since I have had my son, sex is the last thing from my mind, and it feels like that is all that is on my husbands mind. I know that the post pardum is over, but I feel really unattractive, for christ sakes our son is a little over a year old. Its not an abnormal thing. I am reserved about sexuality, where my husband could careless...Maybe, make a trade off with your guy, we can have sex, if you watch the kids all weekend and I can go and do what I want with out them. Maybe it is because you are too tired to deal with it, thats the way I am. When its bed time, the only thing i want to do is, wind down, read my book, and fall asleep...i am exhausted. Maybe, if you explore sex and try new things that you might change your opinion and make it fun!

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get some horny goat weed lol or something to make u want sex more.. maybe talk to ur doctor, talk to ur partner to just so he understands alot better. i have also gone throu a stage where i havent wanted sex at all or anything else like 4 play ect...this may sound yuk but maybe explore your body n find out wat u like n dont like then get ur partner involved in the exploring.. can explore each other, try to do some research too.

Lorraine - posted on 11/09/2009

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Well I know that one of the comments was saying something about if you have had like mindblowing sex. Remember that you are still young and can experiment with things. I dont' know what your comfortable with? There is really different things to do. You can be romantic and do the whole light candles, lingerie, and chocolate covered strawberries. You can get a book on positions, watch porn with your mate. You can dress up. Above everything though you have to make sure that there is love and trust in your relationship. I think this above all else will help make your sex life great. For sure, I would try these things before going to the doctor. I know that someone else suggested that. Everyone knows that it is harder for a woman to orgasm than compared to a man. Don't go poking yourself with needles for something that is so normal.

Brandi - posted on 11/09/2009

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Talk to your doctor..it may be a medical condition...No question is too much for your obgyn....so it soon so you can learn to enjoy sex..you are missing out!!

Rebecca - posted on 11/09/2009

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I have been like this since i was pregnant with my first, who is now 2. I never got my drive back from this and i asked my doctor about what i acn do about it after my daughter would be born, she is almost 4 months...we are still trying to figure out who i got pregnant with no sex drive but anyways she is honestly a god send:) ok so my doctor is doin blood work to check my hormones. If levels are low she can give me pills to boost it, being depression or estrogen...it's worth a shot for us:) We do have to wait until i have at least 4 regular periods before they can do it and if your aren't regular it could be causing the imbalance. If i was you i would request some blood work and explain to your doctor why so she can truly see how you feel before paying big bucks to a therapist. Do you get a lot of alone time with jsut him? Do you make it a point to spend evenings together when the kdis are in bed?
Good luck:)

Stephanie - posted on 11/09/2009

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i hope i'm not repeating someone else i onlt read a few replies but i had the same problem with the fater of my 1st 2 kids i was with him for 7yrs and i hated having sex i would lay there and hope to god he wouldn't want to do it and when he did all i woulg think about was wanting to get up and have a shower my partner now i have been with for 2 and a half years and we have a 7month old and i can't get enough of him and its him i can thank he took his time to please me he tells me how sexy i am everyday,we use toys and oil and after a few months it didn't take as long and he didn't have to work as hard an now i finish before he does most of then time and i don't even need foreplay anyway i hope i've been helpfull

Shannon - posted on 11/09/2009

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I think it is awsome that one reply to one question can hep sooo many women, I hope that all of you who are going through tough times can find friends and support like i did. I am thankful for all those who have answered my post and i am going to try a few of these things. I am already getting more comfortable with myself knowing that so many have been in this position and have taken an interest in helping me, The first step of seeking help really was the hardest and the most productive. I especially thank those who are taking the chance to help others who have posted. I bet you didnt realize that you were going to help more than myself when you first read and posted on this question. It sounds like many women are going to try the things that were suggested to me and i think that is awsome, You truely are a circle of friends.

Shannon - posted on 11/09/2009

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Quoting Renee:

I have been married for just shy of 6 years. The thing that my husband and I fight about the most is my lack of sex drive. I had a very low sex drive even before we got married, and it is even less now that we have an 18mos old son. 3 years ago I fell at work and messed up my back and hip, they still hurt and my back is still out of wack. (The vertibraes in my back are degenerating from the injury) We have tried different things, which just really makes him happier and no change for me. I've had full medical work ups. I've tried therapists in the past and never had much success with them. I just hope something changes otherwise I don't see our marriage lasting or being very happy. My hsuband jokes that our son was born of immaculate conseption because he doesn't ever remember having sex. In the past I have had some really crappy boyfriends and engaged 2 other times prior to getting married. My first fience joined the Navy and cheated on me while over seas, my 2nd ended up being a manipulative, mentally abusive, controlling, and started using drugs. I left him the 1st time he ever laid a hand on me.



You poor woman,  It sounds like you have had an even harsher experience than i have.  I am glad that my question is bringing out others who could use some answers and some support.  I hope that some of you other ladies have read this womans response because she deserves some encouraging words as well as myself and some other ladies on here. i know its a lot to read but im telling you this has brought up a lot more responses than i was anticipating and there are a lot of women who need support and someone to just listen.  If you have gone through something similar to this woman or any other women please help them as well.  We all need to talk about things once in awhile and this is a great place to do it.  I hope that you get by this and know that no matter what a man thinks you are an amazing woman,  Its shows how much you love him to put yourself through pain and discomfort to please him, he should appreciate that. 

Nicole - posted on 11/09/2009

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Quoting Sarah:

Also, when I was 5-6 I was force to give someone a BJ a few times. After that, I can swallow even the smallest pills, can't eat hot dogs or lollypops sometimes and I can't even think about giving a BJ. It is the grossest thing to me. I'm trying to overcome this and think in the near future that I will get some help to overcome this. I hate that someone still has this power over me and it doesn't help that my firends tell me that I'm never going to find a guy who will put up with no BJs.
Good Luck!!


that is horrible and i hope that eventually you will be able to over come that kind of abuse.  but do not feel awkward about not wanting to give head.



  out  of women i have worked with or have befriened over the last year ..id say about 20 or so.  ..none of them liked giving head.   they either said it was painful to their mouth or just downright gross and had many reasons for hating the act.... one girl felt so bad that she trying to ask for ideas that she could make her bf think she was giving him one or an alternative to it.



Most guys wouldn't count that against you if they were really into you and we decent fellows.   and what you wrote here is something i would mention to the guy you find your love with. if it looks like it will work. tell him  and he will be understanding if he is anything worth anything. 



besides there are more erotic things out there that are more pleasing then a bj to men.



i really feel your friends are wrong to tell you that no man will have you because you wont do one sexual act.. they should be more supportive then that.

Nicole - posted on 11/09/2009

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Quoting Sarah:

Also, when I was 5-6 I was force to give someone a BJ a few times. After that, I can swallow even the smallest pills, can't eat hot dogs or lollypops sometimes and I can't even think about giving a BJ. It is the grossest thing to me. I'm trying to overcome this and think in the near future that I will get some help to overcome this. I hate that someone still has this power over me and it doesn't help that my firends tell me that I'm never going to find a guy who will put up with no BJs.
Good Luck!!


that is horrible and i hope that eventually you will be able to over come that kind of abuse.  but do not feel awkward about not wanting to give head.



  out  of women i have worked with or have befriened over the last year ..id say about 20 or so.  ..none of them liked giving head.   they either said it was painful to their mouth or just downright gross and had many reasons for hating the act.... one girl felt so bad that she trying to ask for ideas that she could make her bf think she was giving him one or an alternative to it.



Most guys wouldn't count that against you if they were really into you and we decent fellows.   and what you wrote here is something i would mention to the guy you find your love with. if it looks like it will work. tell him  and he will be understanding if he is anything worth anything. 



besides there are more erotic things out there that are more pleasing then a bj to men.



i really feel your friends are wrong to tell you that no man will have you because you wont do one sexual act.. they should be more supportive then that.

Karen - posted on 11/09/2009

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I know exactly how you feel...but the closer I get to 30 the more my sex drive has gotten better. I wasn't sure if its was the stress of work, kids and everyday life, but things are just better now. I have changed my birth control method to an IUD and so therefore I no longer have a monthly cycle and rarely get PMS as bad as before. So that helps also. I also believe that my hubby and I went thru a rough spot and we were deciding whether or not we should be together anymore...but we decided to make it work. We have date night at least twice a month or more depending on child care ( I have a 9yr and almost 5yr old). That has helped, cause its just our time and not bout the home and children. So there was no one thing that helped but little things over time...now our sex is life is wonderful and I couldn't ask for anything better. Just have to work at rekindling the spirit in you...don't worry bout him til you have yourself figured out. Therapy may help...but it may not. It may be that trust is still any issue deep within you and you don't wanna open up...cause that was a lot of my problems. I have to tell myself on many occasions that I trust him and believe in him. He loves me. Hope it helps.

Nicole - posted on 11/09/2009

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I have felt like that before and it comes with your own experiences . sex was nothing to me till my bf of almost 4 years. which ended because i found he was cheating on me. which in the end made me felt used and revert back to sex was nothing more than an act. its more of a way as guarding yourself in my opinion. i always viewed sex as one of the most intimate times you can share with another person...where you are giving them your total self. once that view is ruined or that bond is broken you only do it cause they want it not because you want it. i feel like the association between love and sex is then broken making it not as appealing. but you should not let it get you down. mind blowing intimacy only comes with some one you have a strong chemistry with and its about how you look at it and feel and how the guy makes you feel. it will take time to get past that but trust me any sex drive can be revived or created but it will take your partners help too. you have to open to communicate with your partner or it will not work.

it is a touchy topic and i will admit that i have troubles talking about it to my other half but he has admitted to me and i quote..." the guy mind will keep doing what they are doing if they are not told other wise and some times it will take a reminder or two" Most decent guys are really about pleasing their women counter parts but they do not know what we do not tell them. it may be weird feeling at first but deeply ask. ask the questions you never dreamt of asking your other half. it can just spark a moment of appeal as well;)

even then scientifically, studies show most women never really climax or its harder for them too. guys are more into sexual moments then women and women are more likely to be aroused by reading a romance novel then looking at naked pictures.

as well as the average married couple ages 18-29 have sex an avg of 109 times a year and unmarried couples do it an avg of 73 times yearly. and if you have it more often then consider yourself in a physically healthy relationship.

Monica - posted on 11/09/2009

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talk to your ob-gyn and explain to them it might be anything from hormonal imbalance to just stress or trust issues. hope everything works out i had the same problem, but mine's was due to sexual abuse and the guy i'm with now understod from the very beginning and took this at my pace. sometimes talking to your loved one is all it takes. i hope everything gets better

Ashli - posted on 11/09/2009

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i know how you feel, i cant put it down to anything imparticluar except

"wanna do it?" doesn't seem to 'do it' for me, and my partner and i dont really know how to communicate with each other about things like that. plus i just never seem to be in the mood, even before i had my child. maybe i'll check out some of these medical suggestions too. thanks for raising the question

User - posted on 11/08/2009

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I have been married for just shy of 6 years. The thing that my husband and I fight about the most is my lack of sex drive. I had a very low sex drive even before we got married, and it is even less now that we have an 18mos old son. 3 years ago I fell at work and messed up my back and hip, they still hurt and my back is still out of wack. (The vertibraes in my back are degenerating from the injury) We have tried different things, which just really makes him happier and no change for me. I've had full medical work ups. I've tried therapists in the past and never had much success with them. I just hope something changes otherwise I don't see our marriage lasting or being very happy. My hsuband jokes that our son was born of immaculate conseption because he doesn't ever remember having sex. In the past I have had some really crappy boyfriends and engaged 2 other times prior to getting married. My first fience joined the Navy and cheated on me while over seas, my 2nd ended up being a manipulative, mentally abusive, controlling, and started using drugs. I left him the 1st time he ever laid a hand on me.

Jacqueline - posted on 11/08/2009

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If you are willing yo work on being sexually active, your partner needs to work on controling his urges so there is a happy medium. :)

Rachael - posted on 11/08/2009

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Dear Shannon,

I think all of us at one point or another have put to much reliance on a man.. and then they go and let us down. Some harder than others. I truly understand your difficulties.. I was the exact same before i met my husband.. in fact I avoided sex entirely. My first time wasnt exactly the romantic passionate event I had always dreamed of.

I found.. for me personally, and may not work for you.. but that my biggest problem was that I felt insufficient. Like I wasnt good enough and therefore why would any man want me. I didnt feel sexy nor did I have any confidence in myself.. So I didnt have any real desire for sex. To change that, I started doing things to improve how I saw myself. Working out.. getting my nails done.. doing something a little more daring with my hair.. or wardrobe. I did things that made me feel sexy and special.. and that really helped. ALso having a man I could rely on... one I knew wouldnt hurt me.. one I could trust.. and one who made me feel sexy.

Be adventurous.. try something that makes you feel beautiful. And you know talk to your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel.. If he really is the right guy.. not only will he understand.. but may even try more to help out with your situation.

I hope for the best. Just remember to be confident in yourself.. the rest will come when the time is right.

Amanda - posted on 11/08/2009

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I feel the same way and unfortunately have never figured it out myself. I finally found a therapist so I'll mention it to her. But sex loss can be for many different reasons. Maybe you just feel that way because of the past experience you had with the cheating bf. I had a cheating bf but I never gave him anything and yet he made me lose trust in all men, even my husband that would never do that sort of thing to me. I also feel disgusted with sex especially when I think of the others that my husband had been with, mainly bc I had only been with him, minus one experience, once.

Krista - posted on 11/08/2009

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Relax and enjoy the moment! think of nothing but you and your partner! Don't try to hard either cause that can prevent it too.For play helps too touching, kissin, back rubs etc.. Let loose woman!! :)

Melita - posted on 11/08/2009

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Hi, sounds like you havent really connected to a man before, if you dont really love someone, specially a jerk who cheats on you it can be hard to find desire. Have you tried a decent amount of foreplay? Councelling might help, also if you have a not so good diet it can affect your libido. Some foods we eat can help you find some desire. Perhaps even something natural to boost your libido a bit like viagra for men, except viagra isnt natural. Good luck in finding some pleasure for yourself. :)

Betty - posted on 11/08/2009

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Quoting Sheila:

I've never wanted sex. I also just feel like it's for reproduction. I just don't want it. I haven't had really bad experiences in the past or anything, it just hurts, a LOT. It gives me a huge stomach ache, dunno why. I haven't done it after I've given birth, but I know before and during pregnancy I hated it. I've never had an orgasm from sex or anything. I wonder if there's something wrong with my body.


Sheila,



The pain you are discribing is probably because he is hitting your cervex at a bad angle.  Just try a few differant positions until you find one that dosn't hurt or get one of those rings to put on him so he can't hit it at all.  I have the same problem from time to time.  My doctor told me it's perfectly normal for some women to experiance this type of pain.

Jami - posted on 11/08/2009

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i definitely know how you feel. I am going through a divorce with my husband and he made me feel like sex was meaningless. He cheated on me just 4 mos after my daughter was born, we got back together and have had a son since. Things got bad a little over a year ago and i finally left. Having sex with him was very "vanilla" and I felt gross when he touched me. I am now with someone else, and let me tell you...our sex life is amazing! I cant wait for him to touch me, i sometimes feel like the guy lol It took a lot for me to truly let someone else in, but I went into it with an open heart and mind and I dont think of sex like i used to. It's now something that I look foward to and enjoy.

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