I am thinking of having my parents adopt my son

[deleted account] ( 272 moms have responded )

Please... Somebody help me......



My son is 3 and I just graduated from university. I am a single mom... I left my son's father weeks after my baby was born and he has had little to on interest in being a parent. He is relinquishing parental rights and has never paid child support, however, we have gotten by just fine with the support of my family.



Like I said... I FINALLY have a degree (I'm 24) and the man of my dreams wants to marry me. He hasn't spent too much time with my son, but they have met once.....



I have to be honest... I am feeling REALLY selfish. I am applying for work in the big city.... I want to move there... get a place with my boyfriend... get married, and decide to have children..... I want to live on my own, go out with my co workers after work... I want to be free. I feel terrible........ I am a selfish woman.



My parents offered to adopt him to allow me to pursue my career. (without any mention of my feelings) I just..... I don't know what's right... I don't know how my baby will feel.... I will still be in his life. I plan to visit every weekend... Please.. I am being selfish? or is the adoption rout best for both of us???



We have lived in my parents house his entire life and they have been a huge part of his life.... They have been more consistent to him than I have, as I have been traveling and studying.



My son and I are very close and we love each other very much..... I just don't know what to do.. I don't know if I will happy if I don't live out these dreams and ambitions that I have.... I don't know if I can be happy without my son. I don't know how the choice will affect him....

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Denikka - posted on 06/19/2012

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My father left when I was very young (under a year) and was not involved in my life. I bounced back and forth from my mom to my grandparents (her parents-they had guardianship of me and visitation rights through the courts).
When I was 5, my mom asked me how I would feel having a little brother or sister. I was thrilled!!! Just before my 6th birthday, my sister was born. I doted on her. I loved her more than anything.
We moved around that time too. 12 hours away, by car, from where I had lived up to that point. We moved in with some friends. After that, the story that I have is pretty garbled. But there are certain facts that remain true. For one reason or another, my mother decided to take my sister and go back to our home town. I was left with the friends. My grandparents came to get me. They ended up moving to the same place, they sped up their plans because my mom had left me. She apparently still had plans to complete the move, so they got a place nearby.
Eventually, she made it back and took me back for a while. Then, one day, she took me over to my grandparents house, and while I can't remember exactly what happened, I do remember her telling me that I was going to have a better life there and then she left. She disappeared off and on for the next few years and 3 years after my sister was born, she had another baby. When he was a few months old, she showed up again to show him off. I hated him. Another 3 years passed, she's still on and off, and she has another baby. He was almost a year old when I met him for the first time. I was roughly 11 at the time.
And you know what, even though I can now appreciate that I DID end up having a better life, doing more, experiencing more with my grandparents than I ever would have with her, even though I no longer hate my brothers, I still have a burning resentment towards all 3 of my siblings and my mother.
I spent most of my childhood asking myself why *I* wasn't good enough for her, but they were. For a long time, I played over everything in my head to try to figure out where things had gone wrong. To try to figure out what I had done that was so bad that my mom didn't love me anymore.
Can you truly imagine what it's like for a 12yr old to feel worthless? Really and truly worthless. To feel like you were such a disappointment to your mother that she had ditched you and had other babies to replace you. To feel like you weren't raised out of love, but out of responsibility, a sense of duty.
It doesn't matter what explanations you give. It really doesn't. NOTHING you can say later will make it better. Nothing will erase the fact that your child wasn't good enough to fight for. That you didn't love them enough to make things work. Nothing will erase that ditched for selfish reasons.
I'm LUCKY that I was strong-willed enough not to get into anything bad. I turned to guys. I'm lucky I was smart enough not to lose my virginity at 11 when I had the chance. I was lucky enough not to get pregnant earlier than when I did, at 19. There were many times where I WISHED I could get lost in the haze of drugs or alcohol. And had my friends been any different, had I been any different, I probably would have. Just to help numb the ache. There were a lot of stars that aligned JUST right to prevent me from going down a pretty bad path.
And you know what, as soon as I was able to, I got the hell out of there and put as much distance between me and my blood relatives as possible. I moved 16+ hours, 2 provinces away. And it's still not far enough to numb the ache that I feel every time I look at my own children and try to think of any circumstances, excluding death and becoming a danger to them, where I would even entertain the idea of leaving them.
It's not far enough to numb the resentment I feel every single time my sister or one of my brothers shows up on Facebook in a photo with my mom. Or they share an inside joke on a post. My sister recently graduated and there my mom was. In her prom pictures, in grad pictures, going to the dry grad party. Telling my sister how proud she was of her. . .
I don't have a single photo of my mother at my graduation. She didn't go. She missed bithdays, Easter, Christmas, graduation. She missed every boyfriend I ever had. I was alone when I gave birth to my second child, her father and I had temporarily separated and he was too far away to make it. Instead of having my mom there, I had a doula, a stranger, to hold my hand.
I can't count the nights I cried for my mom. She was never there to give me a hug, to tuck me in, to ask me how my day was. She was never there to give me advice or to scold me for doing something silly. And every single time a circumstance came around where I wanted my mommy and she wasn't there for me, all I could think of was that she had CHOSEN not to be there for me. She had decided that I wasn't good enough, but that my siblings were. Every night I wanted her to tuck me in, she wasn't there. She was tucking in my brothers and sisters.

Just think about all that. REALLY think. It's been 16 years since my mom left me with my grandparents. I have 2 children of my own now. And that anger, that resentment, that pain has never, not for a second, gone away. I WANT my mom. I want her to love me and want to be a part of my life. She chooses not to be.
A mother does not abandon her children. A mother does what's best for them. A mother sometimes has to give up her dreams and ambitions, or at least postpone them, for her children. A mother sucks it up and deals with the crap life throws. You made the choice to be a mother, it's wrong to decide now, 2 years later, that you feel like being *free*. You are no longer a child. You are a grown woman with responsibilities. The child should not suffer the consequences of selfish adult decisions.

I'm sorry if I come across harshly, but as you can see, this is something dear to my heart. And the repercussions of such a choice were branded into me a long time ago. It's made me more than a little bitter towards any parent who would choose to walk away from their child for anything other than death or safety.

Shannon - posted on 06/18/2012

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Sara, let me try to be honest without being too harsh! In my opinion, it would be entirely selfish on your part to relinquish your rights to your child. Even though your parents have offered this option, it is not their responsibility! For you to assume that this wouldn't make a big change in your son's life is ludicrous. Although in either instance, he will be living in the same home, there is a HUGE difference between whether you are living in that home with him or not. The fact that you are even questioning whether this decision is selfish or not should be a red flag for you. Put yourself in your son's shoes and imagine how he will feel 5, 10, 20 years down the road. When he asks not only why his mommy left him, but also why she terminated her rights as his mommy, what answers will he get? That his mommy traded in the chance to parent him for some guy? For a career? To have more babies that she raised? In my opinion, it seems like you really need to soul search and find out why you are so tempted to make such an unnatural choice. This is your baby, not a pet! Again, this is only my opinion. It sounds like you may be taking advantage of your parents. Perhaps they are doing both you and your son a disservice by tempting you to take the easy way out. As a mommy to two little ones 3 and under, I can't tell you how many times the past 3.5 years I've dreamt of having a fulfilling career, more time with my friends, or a steamy romantic relationship. The reality for me is either these are just simply wonderful dreams or I will have to work harder to try to have a little of it all! Once you become a parent, your kids should be a piece of your puzzle...a part of your goals and dreams. In my experience, you don't get to separate the two. You said that your son's father isn't a part of his life. Instead of this motivating you to be an even better mommy to him, you too are contemplating taking the easy way out. I can't imagine what this would do to your child?! I hope that you think long and hard about this and I hope that something I've said will stay with you in a positive way. Your son needs you...more than you need happy hour with your friends! Lastly, it doesn't sound like this man in your life has your best interests at heart! If this is a man you're thinking about leaving your son for, what is he willing to sacrifice for you? Does he know that you are thinking about leaving your son? If he does and he's not desperately trying to convince you not to, it doesn't sound like he's the man of your dreams! This is a man you're wanting to have more kids with? Are you sure he even likes kids? Just saying.....

Dove - posted on 06/20/2012

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I'm going to respond a little differently here. If you actually think you can just walk away from your child to pursue your own selfish interests... do it. But do it permanently... which would mean walking away from him (and your parents) forever (or until he's 18... if he wants to find you). I'm saying this because walking away from him permanently... while quite damaging to his self worth... would be a hell of a lot less damaging than having you pop in and out of his life at random and 'rub' your 'new' life and 'new' kids in his face repeatedly.

If you aren't prepared to walk away from your precious, innocent 3 year old forever.... then 'man up' and be a mom.... which means that little boy and his needs comes first 100% from now on and the choices you make are to benefit him the most and you a distant second.

Lisamarie - posted on 06/19/2012

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I don't get it! I'm sorry, I just don't!
You say that you love your son but are willing to leave him?
His daddy left and that was terrible for him but you're willing to do the same?
You want to give up your son so you can have more in the future with a new man?
I am the same age as you and have 2 children (5 and 3) and I couldn't dream of leaving them for the sake of a career. Yes, there are times when I have wanted to go out and socialise, I have been practically a hermit for the past 5 years but you say you live with your parents, surely they could give you a night off every couple of weeks?
Why do you want this so much?
How is your life (and your sons) going to benefit?
And I agree with Shannon, this new man is not the man for you if he is willing to allow you to give up your child.

I really hope you think long and hard about what you are going to do for your sons sake.

Gemma - posted on 06/20/2012

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You should never of had a child in the first place. Im sorry to say this but you are selfish. And what you have written makes me feel sad for your child, i could never imagine feeling like that about my children even tho at times i wish there were things i could do for me. Way to fuck up a child's head...

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User - posted on 08/01/2012

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It saddens me so much to see stuff like this! Poor baby boy! You are a VERY selfish woman! VERY selfish! How could you even consider giving up your baby? Thats YOUR baby, that YOU carried for 9 months, that looks at YOU as his mommy and his everything, and you wanna give him up?? Ya know, i had my daughter at 16 years old... I was very young, very naive, and clueless. It was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do! I always wanted to go out and hang out with friends and have that life that a typical 16 year old girl would have... But i didnt. I stayed home with my baby b/c she was FIRST PRIORITY and even being that young, i knew that i couldnt live without her! I never once thought about giving her up! How can anyone give up their child? It makes no since why you would want to now especially since he is 3 and though he is not fully aware of whats really going on, he will know that mommy is not there for him and know that something isnt right. Can you really live with your son calling your mom and dad... mom and dad? Or did you expect him to just keep calling you mom and accept that you wont be there like a mother should? It dont work that way! You need to think and think hard about something this serious! This is a MISTAKE and wrong! You are really a worthless person if you really go through with something like this!

Kate - posted on 07/31/2012

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wow hows that for me me me and i i i .to the point one very selfish women if you think and feel this way your boy is much better off with your parents who wont look at him as a burden or holding them back! just know one day when you wake up you will live the rest of your life in regret.

Heather - posted on 07/27/2012

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I think you are really being VERY selfish and you shoul feel terrible about it. How can you say that you and your son are that close if you are willing to leave him behind and out of your life to go with some man and a career. First of all, if that man really love you he would try to talk you out of leaving your son behind. Secondly, it was YOUR choice to have sex, sure you might have thought that you wouldn't get pregnant but the only 100% GAURANTEED way of not getting pregnant is to abstain from sex. You have to be willing to let go of party time with your friends and be willing to work harder on your career with your son. I am glad to hear that at least someone in his life doesn't look at him as a burden, because I am sorry to say that is what you have made it sound like he is. You need to pray for some guidance, because this broke my heart to read that a mother would be willing to leave her son behind out of her life because he isn't convenient for her...when it was your choice to have sex and risk getting pregnant in the first place. Congrats on being able to graduate, and the new man...but seriously you need to put your child before ANYONE else...if you are stable (not a druggie or alcoholic) and the only reason you want to give him up are the reasons that you stated, then NO I don't think it is a good idea at all...plain and simple. Being a mom is soooo hard, but the rewards are so much more worth anything else you could ever have. We are at risk of losing our house currently, primarily because of the cost of my daughter's hospital visits and the unexpected new one...but we would NEVER change having them in our lives. THere will always be someone willing to help us if we need it, giving our children up is NOT an option. There are too many children that have been abandoned or taken out of unfit homes that need adopting and love, why would you add another to that system (yes I know your parents, but still paperwork in the system) because you aren't ready to give up the good old days? :-( I am very sorry if that was brash, but you really need to use your brain and your heart and stop being a selfish child. I hope you change your mind about this, for your sons sake.

Katie - posted on 07/26/2012

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Sara- don't do it. I myself am 23, and have a beautiful baby girl! I graduated college with my bachelors, and 4 months after graduation my fiancé and I got pregnant. I was upset because of the timing and was devastated I couldn't pursue my career at the moment...
I come from a conservative family..so it was unheard of that im not married, I won't lie the thought was brief in my mind to have my parents adopt her when she was born... But it was a thought I had for maybe 2 minutes. You're about the same age as me: own it like I have. Your child is your responsibility- and you are their world, regardless the relationships he's formed with his grandparents. Can you imagine the future feelings of abandonment your child will face? Raising a baby is hard work, but it's rewarding, it's worth it. It's transformed me from the inside out and has made me a better person. If the love of your life lives you, he will love your baby too! You aren't selfish for having these thoughts- but youd be selfish to act on them. You're a grown woman, you can do this! Your baby would be confused and heartbroken... My baby is my other half- to watch someone else raise her besides me? Unthinkable. What about 5 years down the line when you're ready to be a parent... You cant just re-adopt your child. You'll be signing away all rights to your parents, irreversible. Just think long and hard about it. Good luck Hun

Taryn - posted on 07/21/2012

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Wow! You are completely SELFISH and honestly I dont care if I am being harsh. You decided to bring this child into your life and now because you've met a guy your willing to give your child up so you can go LIVE YOUR LIFE without him? You are a complete disgrace of a mother!

Tanya - posted on 07/21/2012

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The thing that disturbs me here is that you have a man who wants to marry you, but he's only MET your son ONE TIME! I'm reading between the lines here and going to say that this man doesn't want your son, and you want to follow the man. We all have feelings of wanting to "run away", but in this case I have a feeling things are much deeper than that. And quite frankly, with what you're saying, your son might very well be better off with your parents. However, if your man is rejecting your son, I'd think once, twice, and about 2 million times before you have any kids with him, and then you shouldn't. First of all, I wouldn't trust the guy, and secondly, how will your son feel knowing you left him and then went off and had more kids and raised them?
I don't want to be judgmental, but you said yourself that you are a selfish woman. I would like to take that one step further and say that you haven't grown up yourself yet. You weren't ready to have a child. I commend you on choosing life, but now be sure that any decisions you make are ones you can live with forever. We aren't talking about the next month, or even year...you are talking about a lifetime. How will you feel in 1 year...5 years... 10 years....? You ARE an adult now and have to make decisions like one. Not based completely on your own desires, but based on what is good for you and everyone around you. How old are your parents? How old will they be when your son is 18? It wouldn't be at all fair to leave your son with them and then want to disrupt him later and get him back. When your son is a grown man, how do you think he'll feel about you if he is raised by his grandparents? It might be good, or it might not, but THAT is what you have to decide. Good luck!

Mary - posted on 07/13/2012

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As a child adopted by her grandparents, let me tell you. I admire my mom for making a life for herself. She was 17 when I was born, she finished college, got married, and had a beautiful family. I do love my mom, but only until my daugther was born I never felt I fit in anywhere. This issue particulary hits me during my teenage years, and I turned out just fine. I can't judge you for the ambitions you may have, but be prepared because one day you may want to ammend that lost time with your son and it will be too late.

Stephanie - posted on 07/13/2012

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lisamarie you are true on what you say hun, iv been there to ( with post natel depression + axiety) and also struggled too but would never leave my children wee always get there in the end and its all worth it :)
to be honest with this woman who wrote this ( wee can tell you our opinions all day long but nothing wee say is gonna stop you doing as you want and giving this lil boy up ) & who are wee to judge???? well it just kind of pisses SOME parents off a lil when mothers are posting things like this !!!
its okay to put your hands up and say your not coping and you need help then wee are here to listing or give some advice and not judge... but to say the things you wrote is going to get some bad reactions as their is people that long for children ... ect..ect....
i hope this lill boy is well loked after and you make the rite disition for him mayby even if it is for the wrong reasons

Lisamarie - posted on 07/13/2012

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Lisa, I think you are being very unfair. I don't think either situation is adequate, no child wants to be separated from their parents, regardless of age, and no child wants to be resented by their parents. You have your opinion and you are well within your rights to express those opinions but I think you're getting a tad personal. The post is about the OP's child, not anyone else's so leave other peoples children out of it.
Wow! That is very big of you not to blame your mother for your childhood and I am glad you feel that was the best thing for her to do. But I guess I am one of those people that doesn't have an "actual education", or "can compose a complete sentence with correctly spelled words" because I will be damned if I will say that my father not wanting anything to do with me, my step-mother resenting me and my mother leaving me to sort out "her sh**" was the right thing for me because it damn well wasn't! I'm 24 now, my father has not seen my children since my 3 year old was born, I have not seen my step-mother since I was 6. I love my mum, we are super close but to say I don't resent her for her decisions would be a lie.
I have been through depression and anxiety and know how hard it is to look after 2 children and yourself but I didn't give up, I struggled through for the sake of my kids, I didn't leave them when times got tough. This "mum" needs to try going through real problems before expecting hugs and sympathy from mums who would die for their children.

Lisa - posted on 07/13/2012

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Exactly, Angel, he does deserve better. Yes, it may be hurtful to him for his mom to leave, but I genuinely feel it would be more hurtful for him to stay with her in a strange new city with a mother that is less than "hands-on" and a new father-figure he doesn't know.



Essentially, this little boy has had 3 parents since the day he was born. If he stays with mom, he loses two of them.

Angel - posted on 07/13/2012

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Not all of us are, I said that I do think she is selfish but he probably would be better off without her because if she can't bring herself to want her child he deserves better. But, I also do think that it may be hurtful for him because she waited 3 yrs to decide she doesn't want him. And to then give him up to go start a new family is horrible- so yes he is better off without her.

Lisa - posted on 07/13/2012

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Again, the only thing you seem to be focusing on is what a POS this mother is rather than on what's best for her son.



Thanks for making my point for me. Again.

Stephanie - posted on 07/13/2012

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lisa you are saying the same things over and over again!!! that is the way you feel then thanks for telling us but some of us have had it hard and still not gave are children away just to have what wee want in life!!!!

another fact she wants to have more kids in the future i dred to even think where these 1s will end up if they are born!!

and to me she dosnt come across to be having a hard time she just wants evrything else accept this child!!!

and last off all shes never really had this kid to begin with .... so why even say she loves him when she clearly gave him up a long time ago . i visit my neice evry weekend and would never ever contimplate on visiting my children at the weekend ..... my kids have been babysat about 5 times in there lifes and i have people willing to babyst but no i like to have my sons with me all the time

EVEN IF THAT DOS MEAN NOT PARTYING OR GOING ABROAD !!!!! I WOULD RATHER STAY WITH MY KIDS AND BEFORE YOU THINK COMMENTING BACK THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!!!
NOT ALL MOTHERS GIVE THEIR KIDS AWAY LIKE YOUR OWN OR THIS SAD WOMAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa - posted on 07/12/2012

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So let me just see if I understand everyone.



Nobody really cares about what's best for this little boy (which, clearly, is staying with his grandparents), all you really care about is telling the mother what a POS she is.



Gotcha.



I wonder what the reactions would be if the parent in question was a single father....

Lisa - posted on 07/12/2012

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I left out the parts about her saying she's selfish because that much is obvious.

She IS selfish. What more is there to say about it?

Her son would be better living with his grandparents.

End of story.

And I say she's not abandoning him because she's not galloping off into the sunset never to see him again.

a·ban·don
1    [uh-ban-duhn] verb (used with object)
1. to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert:

Shannon - posted on 07/12/2012

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@Lisa---It's interesting to me that you quoted much of her post, but left out the THREE separate instances when she called herself selfish. Everything about this post screams of selfishness, from the first words, "Please help ME!" to all of her "I want this, I want that!". She finally mentions her sons feelings at the end. How can anyone defend this?

Secondly, just because this lady is claiming that her parents "offered" to adopt her son, doesn't mean that this would be their first choice. We don't know these grandparents, nor do we know what they've experienced with their daughter. She even admits to relinquishing a lot of her responsibilities as mom to them in order to study and travel abroad. If she is this comfortable with announcing to the worldwide web how she feels about being a mom, then who knows all that she has disclosed over the years to her parents, etc.

If circumstances were different, perhaps I would feel differently towards this mother. If she was chronically/terminally ill, in an abusive relationship, in a dangerous situation, etc. She didn't state any of those reasons for wanting to terminate her role as mom. She truthfully states that she's thinking of ditching her duties to shack up with a guy, have a glamorous career, party and get knocked up!!

I say "abandon" because the way she comes across is so cold. Visiting every weekend? Please....that sounds all nice and pretty, but in reality, how will she be accomplishing this in between working a full time job, getting married, partying, and raising a "New" family?

Vanessa - posted on 07/12/2012

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If you care that little for your child that you are willing to give up your rights to him then yes let your parents adopt him because he will more than likely have a far better life with ones who really love him and actually want him. It boggles my mind that people have such little natural love for the babies that they carried and gave birth to. You are most definitely a very selfish person and in my personal opinion you don't deserve him or any other child for that matter. And yes you should feel terrible. I can't imagine giving up my child, even if it were just to their grandparents. If you were in a bad situation, a really young mom or something along those lines sure, but wanting to give up a child purely because you "want a life" is disgusting. Sorry to offend but the fact that you even asked really offends me.

Soky - posted on 07/12/2012

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This is just a dumb question. You bring a child into the world and then give the child away like they are nothing just so you can go "better" yourself. When you become a mother your wants and needs comes after your childs wants and needs. Thats what being a parent is. You want the best for your kid...

But you know what, with the way you sound, it sounds like the child would probably be better off with your parents because I mean dont take this the wrong way BUT I dont think we want another Casey Anthony case.....

Harsh words I know, but I am going to feel sooo horrible for your child and will be praying that you can come to your senses and give that child a good life.

Lisa - posted on 07/12/2012

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"Who's to say these grandparents would not also resent this little boy?!!!"



I guess they would say since it was their idea in the first place.



Taken from OP:

"My parents offered to adopt him to allow me to pursue my career"



and



"We have lived in my parents house his entire life and they have been a huge part of his life.... They have been more consistent to him than I have, as I have been traveling and studying."





Also, this mother is not "abandoning' her son anymore than a parent that gives custody to the non-custodial parent.



Taken from the OP:



"I will still be in his life. I plan to visit every weekend... "



Sounds like any other non-custodial relationship I've ever heard of.

Shannon - posted on 07/12/2012

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I'm so happy for those of you who had a happy childhood and grew up to be successful adults, despite being abandoned by a parent. I truly mean that. With that said, happy endings are not always the case. Some of you are comparing this moms scenario to adoption of infants or to one parent relinquishing rights to the other biological parent. We are NOT talking about either of those scenarios! I have a child her sons age and I feel very confident in saying that she would be absolutely devastated if I chose not to be her mom anymore. I think that's a little different than if I'd made the decision to find a pair of loving parents to adopt her at birth. Have some of you forgotten that this little boy has no father to begin with?!

And why are we attacking each other for agreeing with this mother?! She labels herself as bring a very selfish woman in her own post!!! Just because it would be the grandparents raising this little boy, it doesn't mean that it would necessarily be their first choice.....much unlike the majority of couples who willingly enter into adoption of a infant/child because they LONGED for the chance to parent a child. Who's to say these grandparents would not also resent this little boy?!!!

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

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ehhh excuse me my children are happy and healthy and want for nothing as they have evrything! they are loved and cherished ....not all mothers are like your own , and i am a good mother and will not have some stupid person try bring me down thinking they are better than someone else........and as for teen mom i droped evrything to have my boys as any mother would... and 40 years from now my children will make something of themselfs . i honestly wonder what you turned in to not to mention your poor children..... do not sit on a computer and try and bring me down ok i am 22 years old two children and in the middle of opening up my own shop not to mention i have a lovely home for my boys aswell , evrything i do is for them!!! so yes this women is a sick person givin up her son ,,,, and as for the spelling im not at work so could not give a toss how i write on a website ok......

Lisa - posted on 07/12/2012

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Well, you're absolutely right that it is my life story. I wonder what your children will have to say about their childhood 40 years from now? I've seen how my older brother and sister turned out and we've spent YEARS talking about the different paths our lives took. We had different dads and my mother was 16 when she gave birth to my sister, 17 when she gave birth to my brother, 26 when I came along and 28 when my little brother showed up. I can say without equivocation that my childhood was much healthier and happier than theirs. But hey... at least they got to spend it with an unstable, teenage mom while my little brother and I had to "make-do" with a 30-something stable father.

I say again, "Thank-you Mom for realizing that Dad was a better parent than you could be to us. Thank-you for letting us go, even though I know it hurt you. Thank-you for ignoring all the ignorant people that called you a terrible mother for making the choice you did. You put aside your own wishes and did what was best for us. And THAT makes you a GREAT MOM."

As to who would have anything good to say about a mother that sees the reality that giving her child up to two well established, stable and loving people (who already do most of the daily, hands-on rearing of the child) is infinitely better than keeping him with her in what will undoubtedly be an unstable home with a step-parent he's only met once?

I'll tell you who would say something good about a mother like that: Someone that has an actual education, can compose a complete sentence with correctly spelled words, and cares more about what's actually GOOD for the child than one that cares about a mother "saving face" in public.

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

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well thats your life story not mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and as for this women who wrote this sad pythetic thing she is 1 sick minded person that deserves nothing in life!!!! and WHO on earth would have enything good to say to this so called women after writing what she diid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa - posted on 07/12/2012

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Oh... and on a side note....

My mother gave my brother and me up to my father waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the '70s when children (especially girl children) being raised by a single father was unheard of.

She gave us up because at the time she was too mentally unstable to care for us.

Not only do I NOT resent her for doing so, I'm GRATEFUL to her! I love her and respect her AND the choice she made to live without us. My brother and I had a good life with our dad and didn't see our mother for 10 years. She sent birthday cards and Christmas cards and called every once in a while.

I will always love my mother and be glad she was NOT so selfish as to keep us with her instead of giving us to someone that could provide us with the love and stability all children need.

When I was 16 we got re-acquainted and have been close ever since. She needed to get HER sh*% together before she could be a good mom.

Thank-you, Mom!!

Lisa - posted on 07/12/2012

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Who knows if she'll resent the children she MIGHT have in the future?

They aren't here. We don't need to concern ourselves with what may or may not happen to some child that may or may not ever be born.

The question on the table is WHAT IS BEST FOR THIS CHILD IN THIS SITUATION?

None of you have had a single good thing to say about this mother. WHY IN THE EVER-LOVING CHRIST WOULD YOU WANT HER TO RAISE A CHILD??

I think she'd be doing the right thing by letting her son be adopted by her parents. BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING FOR HIM!!!

I don't care about her or her maybe future children. I care about what's right for this boy, in this time.

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

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but how dose she know she aint gonna resent these other kids or will her poor parents take these 1s to???
this woman should give that lil boy to her mum then NOT have anymore children. to be honest i think this man has somethig to do with it! but ditching your child through any circumstance is wrong....
i have two children myself and its not been the slightest bit easy and i have some help but would never ever let them go.....
i had hopes and dreams but i was willing to disgard of these due to having my son not to mention i was 15 and pregnant i am now 22 years old and never felt any regret of not fullfilling my dreams as a teenager i can always do this when my children are older
this is what the conciquences are when you choose to have unprotected sex!!!!

Elisha - posted on 07/12/2012

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It sounds to me like this chic is totally delusional, like she's living in some fantasy world, always thinking the grass is gonna be greener on the other side.... move to a big city, get a job, go out and party, marry my boyfriend, have his kids? Honey, you're not gonna find any happiness out there that you don't already have where you are.
BTW, you're serious enough with the bf that you're ready to move away with him, and talking marraige and a family, AND he's only met your kid once? Umh, something's wrong there... Yeah, THAT'S a relationship that's totally gonna work out!
Maybe it's better that the little boy does grow up with someone else, otherwise she'd probably raise him to be just as bad of a narcissist as she is.

Lisa - posted on 07/12/2012

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Alexis... I agree that having more kids with someone else is sort of beyond my ability to comprehend, but frankly, I don't give a toss.



I'm more concerned with this particular little boy staying in a home environment where he knows he's loved and wanted and special.



Would you really prefer that he end up living with someone that would resent him? Possibly even abuse or neglect him as a result?



Don't ANY of you have the slightest understanding that resentment on the part of a parent (or step-parent) forced to care for an UNWANTED CHILD is one of the main causes of child abuse?



Do you ever read the paper? Here are some recent cases:



Mom abuses 10 month old daughter and texts the dad to brag about it

http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?sectio...



Step-dad caught on neighbor's video beating his 10 year old for dropping a baseball while playing catch in the backyard

http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?sectio...



Then there's the case of the Mom and her new boyfriend beating a 2 month old baby in 2006... he died last year and now both adults are charged with murder.

http://www.fox5vegas.com/story/19002677/...

Alexis - posted on 07/12/2012

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LISA: I agree with what you are saying, the only thing that throws me is she still plans to have more kids...How do more kids fit into her life but her current child does not???? I wonder if its an issue with the boyfriend more than the child. Maybe im reading too much between the lines though.

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

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no one said adopted children turn out imotionaly wrecked what wee are saying is why bring a child in to the world then dump it like trash for a man?? , then planning to have this mans children!!!!! shes 1 sick person.....




this woman needs to no what contriception is!
whats she gonna do if she has this mans children and she cant be bothered with them ither is someone els going to have to adopt these 1s too?????????????



there is people out there that would do anything for a child but cant have them and there is people having kids then just dumping them like trash some people dont desreave to have children .. makes me mad!!!

Lisa - posted on 07/12/2012

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For all of you that are saying she is incredibly immature, selfish, uncaring, unnatural, etc.... maybe she IS all those things. I refuse to judge.

But, if she IS.... should she REALLY be the one raising this little boy?

A home with two loving (grand)parents that have been responsible for most of his care for the past 3 years is INFINITELY better than forcing this child to lose his two most staunch care-givers in order to satisfy some sense of public outrage at the "unnatural and selfish" desires of an immature biological mother.

Kids are a hellova lot more resilient than any of you are giving them credit for. ESPECIALLY when they have a solid foundation of love in the home. Regardless of WHO is giving it to them.

Contrary to popular belief, adopted kids do not all turn out emotionally and mentally wrecked or angry at the biological parent that gave them up. Many of them actually respect and are grateful for their bio-parent having had the DECENCY to allow them to have a stable, loving home.

Christine - posted on 07/12/2012

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im only 23 and willingly sacrafice going out with my friends and doing the things people my age r doing because i chose to have a daughter and i could NOT even imagine leaving her. i wont even let her go away with my parents over night yet! in order to even consider moveing away from your child u must be incredibly immature, selfish and not nearly as careing as u say that u r.

Christine - posted on 07/12/2012

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U chose to have a child and have been with him for 3 years. it would be absolutly terrible to just abandon him to start a "real family" and career and go out with friends. Imagine how u would have felt as a child if your mother told u that u werent good enough for them and that they were leaving u to start a new family. horrible.

Angelina - posted on 07/11/2012

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It sound more like you are trying to convince yourself its right and just have people be mad at you or tell you its right. I personally understand. I almost gave my parents my daughter when she was about 9 month old and i was 19 and trying to go back to school. I thought a lot about it. But i decided it wasnt right for me and my daughter. she is going to be 2 and im going to be 21. I still at limes have a feeling like im missing out on life but my daughter is my life. I couldnt leave her even if i saw her every weekend. You need to really ask yourself can you live without your son. The child you carried for 9 months and gave birth to will belong to your parents. And if you do this and regret it later the process of getting him back is difficult. And just a response your comment on choosing to have children. You chose to have your son. If you didnt want him you should have given him to a family who did want him in the first place. but you chose to raise him for 3 years and now you seem like you just want to give him away. As parents we all have to make sacrifices for our kids and i have given up more than just my youth and my body. think how your son will feel when you get married and have kids that you keep and you just gave your son away. i really dont think you have thought it all the way threw. another side note..... your sone should be the most important male in your like, not some guy that wants you without your son, that doesnt sound like a real man to me. you didnt go into detail about why they have only met once so i cant help think why?

Sarah - posted on 07/11/2012

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I'm sorry for judging you, please think about what you really want in life. Not right now, but imagine you have decades behind you, what is it you want to see?

Sarah - posted on 07/11/2012

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Sarah, somewhere along the way you have lost an accurate veiw. I know ppl may seem harsh, but most of us are mothers, and you just sound bad. I'm thinking maybe you are having troubble articulating yourself, or even your own thoughts.
I know sometimes being a mother seems like all work, and mostly its a thankless job. Most children don't grow up thankful, but there is value in giving. Let me tell you you will NEVER find peace, true happiness or fulfillment in pleaseing yourself. I believe deep down you are a mother, and your heart knows this is wrong. So, your parents have done most of the work raising your son; This may be unfair to him, but what you might not realize is its unfair to you as well. There is no other fullfilment in life like looking back and knowing you spent your life's time and energy loving, none.

Sarah - posted on 07/11/2012

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Sarah, somewhere along the way you have lost an accurate veiw. I know ppl may seem harsh, but most of us are mothers, and you just sound bad. I'm thinking maybe you are having troubble articulating yourself, or even your own thoughts.
I know sometimes being a mother seems like all work, and mostly its a thankless job. Most children don't grow up thankful, but there is value in giving. Let me tell you you will NEVER find peace, true happiness or fulfillment in pleaseing yourself. I believe deep down you are a mother, and your heart knows this is wrong. So, your parents have done most of the work raising your son; This may be unfair to him, but what you might not realize is its unfair to you as well. There is no other fullfilment in life like looking back and knowing you spent your life's time and energy loving, none.

Stephanie - posted on 07/11/2012

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to be honest you are giving up your son for a man!!!! what kind of person dose that make you , i have two sons and would never dream of letting them go , i have been a single parent and im 22 had my 1st son at 16 so yes you are being selfish speshily when you are considiring having children with this new man , how would your son feel??? to be pushed out? and if this new man dosnt like our son mayby hes the wrong person, do not give up your son for a man or career at the end of the day you choose to have your son you new things were going to be difficult ....

Ahna - posted on 07/11/2012

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If you are even thinking about this, then you don't love your son enough. I am a single mom, who had alot of help from parents also. Yes, there are times I wish I wasn't a single mom, but I would NEVER think of giving my daughter to anyone, even my parents. If you can even consider it, then the bond isn't very strong and the boy deserves BETTER!

Anaya - posted on 07/11/2012

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Your sharing this was wonderfully brave! Allowing yourself to be transparent to others like that. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story with us Denikka Green - I agree 100% in regards to the original post of what this young woman should do. However, regarding YOU- I pray that even now you are healed from the trauma you dealt with growing up. And no matter what decisions and choices your mother made regarding you-you are still an awesome person! And you have and will continue to make better choices for your family, they depend upon you. And you are loved and cherished.



Take care!



Impervious

Alexis - posted on 07/09/2012

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You can accomplish your dreams with your son, I do. IMO to give up your son for a guy, 'dream guy' or not is very selfish, and think about what your son will think and feel when you do have kids with this guy but he was left behind? Do you think you and your son will still be so close then? Not only that but men come and go, even your dream guy, but your son will always be your son, why tarnish that relationship with your son? I go to school full time working on my Masters, work full time and take care of my almost 3 year old with another on the way. I also live on my own and still have a social life, it sounds like you have somewhat of a social life as well, otherwise how would you have time for your current boyfriend? Being a mom can be hard and it can mean sacrifice at times, but you need to be a mom first. Your son may also love living in the big city. Have you spoken with your boyfriend about becoming a family with your son? I just don't understand why your son needs to be excluded, especially since you are already talking about having more kids with this guy.

Kristal - posted on 07/09/2012

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Sara, It makes me very sad reading ur post.. Im sad that u feel as if you have to give up ur child to have a better life.. Ur son is three and even though u have lived with ur parents his whole life..He is old enough to understand who his mommy is.. Think about how u would feel if he wasnt in ur life.. Would his smile not be there to make u happy, when he calls u mommy? Im sure the first time u held him was probaly wonderful??
If you answered that those things woudnt make u cry to not have them in ur life..Then yes he would probaly be better off with someone, ur parents, that truly love him..He is young enough where maybe he woudnt rember. HOw does ur soon to be husband feel about u giving up ur son?? I think u need to do some hard thinking. and soul searching here and maybe talk to a professional about ur feelings.. U only have one life and the things u do now only haunt u later on. And ur son only has one life as well, how is ur decision going to effect him emotionally later on in life?

Kristal - posted on 07/09/2012

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Sara, It makes me very sad reading ur post.. Im sad that u feel as if you have to give up ur child to have a better life.. Ur son is three and even though u have lived with ur parents his whole life..He is old enough to understand who his mommy is.. Think about how u would feel if he wasnt in ur life.. Would his smile not be there to make u happy, when he calls u mommy? Im sure the first time u held him was probaly wonderful??
If you answered that those things woudnt make u cry to not have them in ur life..Then yes he would probaly be better off with someone, ur parents, that truly love him..He is young enough where maybe he woudnt rember. HOw does ur soon to be husband feel about u giving up ur son?? I think u need to do some hard thinking. and soul searching here and maybe talk to a professional about ur feelings.. U only have one life and the things u do now only haunt u later on. And ur son only has one life as well, how is ur decision going to effect him emotionally later on in life?

Kitty - posted on 07/09/2012

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YOU have to take care of this kid now! because as he gets older and learns of you not wanting him.. nothin good will come!!! he will resent and hate you for the rest of your life! u want other children ? NO if you dont want him now then you have NO RIGHT TO WANT OTHER CHILDREN... im glad you want to have a career but your A MOM there is nothin more rewarding in the end ... your life DOES NOT stop cause you have a child! in fact you need to work around them! u will regret this for the rest of your life so please DONT give ur son to your parents to raise... because later on once your son learns of what you did he will see your other children and say.. wow you wanted them but not me? that will sting bad!!!!! so heat what we are all telling you please!!!!! be selfish for other things but dont let him suffer.!

Hannah - posted on 07/09/2012

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I am going to be very blunt with you. Yes, you are being 100% selfish! On that note, I think it's best if you let your parents adopt him if you are feeling this way because it's not fair to him to be in this situation. He deserves to be raised in a family where his wants and needs come first. I do not think you are giving that to him based on this post. I am not doubting your ability as a parent, I am just saying if you continue to feel this way, you will resent him and that's not a healthy relationship with your child

Antoinette - posted on 07/08/2012

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Im sorry but this question bothers me A lot! You say your 24? I had my first son when I was 16, and the thought of leaving him with anybody never crossed my mind. So yea you are being selfish the question is why? You need to do some soul searching and ask yourself why?

Sam - posted on 07/08/2012

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If you are feeling guilty, then there's probably something to it. I can understand wishing that you could experience life the way 20 something non moms so, but that's not the choice you made. You chose to bring a life into this world, so take responsibility for that. I wanted to go to college and be an intellectual like my dad, drinking wine at dinner parties and what have you. Instead I work a crappy retail job, me and my son shared a room until he was six, and it's been a struggle always. I'd never give it up, though. I can't imagine what I'd feel like if I had missed out on these years I've had with my boy. He is nine now, we have our own house and he has his own room. It took a long time to get here. One day I will go back to school and get a degree, but right now everything is for him. He didn't ask to be born. he wouldn't want me to give up my dreams. So I got a new dream, to see him grow healthy and happy. To be everything for him.

I have to say, you do sound selfish. I kind of wonder if this is even a sincere posting to be honest.

Johanna - posted on 07/08/2012

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You have no idea the type of person you are till you have children. I am sure a lot of people want to do this, but never mention it out loud. I can not believe you would want to trade your son in for a new family and new friends. You dont deserve to have a degree, you dont deserve the parents you have, the life you have and sure as hell not the wonderful child you have. You need to leave him and go "do you". He does not deserve you. It will bite you in the ass. If you stay with him he will turn out just like you. thats not fair. You deserve anything and everything bad that happens to you. You are a selfish pos. If you decide to leave, then you need to leave for good. He doesnt deserve a 1/2 mom. Its all or nothing with kids. The hell with the lady below that said the mother comes back whenever she can. IT IS STILL WRONG, and will do nothing but harm to your child if you come back for holidays. You only want what is best for you. The reason your parents probably offered is because you are a bad mother. So run run run as fast as you can, because honey your life will only get "better". So, GFY.

Kim - posted on 07/07/2012

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Ok this is what you are saying:
You have a degree=more money to support you and your son
This man wants to marry you and he is the man of your dreams= you want him too
You want to live in the city and applied to work there =great job
Your parents want to adopt your son? You already have a career cause you finished college? Sounds like they are attached to your son and don't won't him to leave.
You and your son are close=you love him
You are not making since with one thing. You said you wan't to live on your own and go out with your co-workers after work but then said you want to get a place with your boyfriend, get married, and have his kids

What is your dreams and ambitions? You already finished college so does that mean your dreams are working in the city? Many women work and have kids!

You need to decide first if you want to live a single life or have a boyfriend. Cause do you really think if you move in with a man that he is going to let you run around after work with a bunch of girl friends. lol Men have needs married or not and he will expect you home to cook and clean and do his laundry and ironing and wash the dishes and keep up the house even after work. So, if you want the marriage and the kids and all that then the friends will not be there. I am just being honest with you! If you plan on doing this then why not have your son join you so that he will have brothers and sisters too and a larger family. He can always go off with grandparents on weekends or in the summer. But if what you want is a single life and have fun with friends then the boyfriend is not going to work out! So, you might want to decide if its going to be the boyfriend or the single life first. Then decide how your son will fit into that picture. GOOD LUCK!

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