I dont want to have sex with my husband. Is there something wrong with me?

Tonya - posted on 08/18/2011 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I am 21 years old with a 8 month old baby. I stay home and take care of him while my husband goes to work. He is convinced that i am cheating on him. i take care of or baby boy, i do all the house work. even when it comes down to fixing things. I have food ready when he comes home I make his lunch, i run whatever aronds that need to be ran and do the grocery shoping. i dont have the time to cheat! i dont even think about cheating. but he thinks this because i NEVER want to have sex. i feel so irritated when he tries almost discusted when he touches me. He constantly asks me why. and i dont know what to tell him other than i dont want to. which is the truth but thats not a good enough answer for him. what is wrong with me?

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Nikki - posted on 08/22/2011

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I have to disagree with Brianna, it's not our duty or job to please our husbands! We have to be happy too. Geeze, yes sex is important BUT sex is supposed to be about 2 people being together, not one vacantly pleasing the other. That turns to resentment which leads to an unhappy marriage.

I had the same thing happen to me, I went to the doctor, saw a hormonal specialist, took every libido herb lotion and potion available on the market to no avail.

I didn't have a traumatic birth, so the issue was not physical whatsoever.

It caused a lot of problems with my husband and it has taken us almost two years to get things back to normal. For us what worked was talking, working out why I felt the way I did and slowly moving forward. It was a combination of this new role of being a mother, my entire focus in life changed and I changed. Sleep deprivation and feeling under appreciated and over worked in the home.

We tacked all these issues very slowly and very gradually it began to come back. As much as it was stressful at the time it was a good experience for us to go through, we were able to be much more honest with each other, learnt to communicate better and have come out the other end with a stronger relationship.

Good luck xxx

Larissa - posted on 08/25/2011

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Let me tell you... after being at home the whole day with a baby, cleaning, doing chores, making food, preparing lunches, washing clothes and ALLLLL that jazz, sometimes you are just tired. Being at home is sooo much work. I think your lack of sexual drive can be a mix of "your hormones are still wack" plus "not being appreciated for all the work you do at home", plus "maybe you need some time for yourself to do your nails and hair and go out with your girls to sorta bring your sexy back :)". I say find a sitter once a week, get your nails done, and plan a date with your husband :) It will help, trust me :)

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I'm sorry but nowhere in my vows did I promise to sexually satisfy my husband because its my duty. I went through (and am going through) something very similar. After our son was born sex became very very painful for me to the point where I was near tears since it hurt so much. I was tired and worn out from being a stay at home mom all day adding with my new super fun condition the appeal of sex became a zero. I sat down and talked to my hubby and we worked it out between us.

You need to talk to your husband and explain it to him. Maybe talk to a sex therapist and see if that would help?

Caitlin - posted on 08/19/2011

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I found it hard to "get back into the swing of things" after my first baby was born, I think it's quite normal. It's a hard adjustement period, because it's hard to turn off your mommy mind at the end of the day, and in the back of your mind you are always listening for the baby to wake up, which probably isn't helping much.

I'd say having a sit down with him might help. After the baby is down, have a talk. Explain how you are feeling, because the added pressure for you to preform probably isn't helping any, and the accusations of you cheating are probably making it that much harder. I REALLY had to push myself into getting back into it after my first. At the beginging, I would make sure that during the day I read some articles/stories or whatever that got me a little hot and bothered, i'd send some interesting text messages to him during the day, when the baby was napping i'd tease him (and myself) a bit, and when it came time that the baby was down, i'd almost force myself into it, even if I wasn't 100% "feeling it". In the end it felt good to get some, and as long as we both got pleasure from it, it was a success. After a few times doing this, I found I had regained the "urge" and craved that physical closeness and adult time that I didn't really want before.

I'd say the talk would help a lot though. If you can make him understand that you are tired, adjusting to a new schedule and your hormones are out of whac and he may have to work a little harder to get you into it, he may understand a bit better. You may even be able to convince him to do things to turn you on more often, which would benefit you both. That being said, sometimes when my hubby touches me and tries to get me going, I feel like whacking him upside the head. Guys have a really bad guage for when you're in the mood. A simple "not right now" should suffice I think.

Jeramie - posted on 08/25/2011

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You definitely need some YOU time. I know easier said than done. Tired and lonely all day with the baby and doing chores, then hubby comes home from Real Work and demands to be served dinner, a clean and happy baby, then sex. I felt guilty when I wanted some alone time because I know he deserves it too. Maybe one night every other week, or half of a saturday, let him stay home with the kid while you go out with a friend and get nails done, walk the mall, or see a movie. It really will help relax you and make you feel better about yourself, which will boost your libido. then let him do the same next week, and go out with his guy friends, having some fun apart from each other can help the relationship alot. The sit down chat with him is really important to let him know what is going on in your mind and body. Also, Caitlin's idea of finding something to turn yourself on before he gets home is a really good idea. It may be easier to get excited when he is not around pressuring you, then he will get a nice suprise when he gets home. Sex is really important, obviously,but it doesn't help when you feel you have to force yourself into it, He will know your'e not enjoying yourself, and that will make you resent each other.

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Brianna - posted on 08/22/2011

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ok so i think people are taking what i said that wrong way! i mean i love him and i want him to be happy so even if i dont feel like having sex i usually do it anyways. If you make the extra effort to do something nice for him he will do the same for you. I met that as a wife it is my job to look out for him and take care of his needs just like as a husband its his job to do the same thing back and im not just talkin about sex here people!

Nikki - posted on 08/22/2011

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Also you will possibly find that this is more common than you think, so it might be an idea for your hubby to have someone (male) he looks up to that he can talk to about this issue.

Brianna - posted on 08/21/2011

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i no ur tired and u dont want to but really our jobs as a wife is to make sure his "needs" are taken care of.. if you make him feel loved and just do it even if u dont feel like it he will be happier and will show u love back. sex is VERY important in a marriage.

Maria - posted on 08/21/2011

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I agree with everyone else! My son will be 3 in Nov. and I have just started to enjoy sex again in the last 6 months. I had no desire for it all. I would even pull away from his trying to just cuddle with me at times. I think that in combination with the hormones, we as SAHM's give too much love and attention to our children. My child is my first priority and always will be, but I had to learn to create a balance. My husband feels very left out at times because he misses so much of our lives. I had to learn to include him when he was available and remind myself that I have to give him his time as well. No matter how tired I am!

Josslyn - posted on 08/19/2011

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your hormones are still totally out of wack, take vitamins and get active with the little one and it should improve, I have a 1year old and still struggling with the same thing. hang in there, becoming a mom is no easy task and your whole world changes. try make some family time late in the evening just before little one goes to sleep, as soon as he is asleep then it swings over to mommy and daddy time. It is rough I know but one thing you should never do is turn him down if he needs it, it will just make the situation more tense and complicate things more.

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