I feel torn, need honest advice...

Sunny - posted on 02/12/2010 ( 128 moms have responded )

662

21

53

Ok so here's the story... my partner and i were 18 when we had our son, we worked really hard, had our own place and never asked anyone for help, everything was going great until our son got really sick at 10 weeks old. We had to move to be close to the hospital but we couldnt afford the rent so we moved in with another couple that we didnt know. They turned out to be crazy and when my son was 5 months old on his very first Christmas they tried to kidnap him. It was terrifying! We had no choice but to move right than on christmas day, 2 hours away to my partners parents house. That was 2 years ago and we are still here, ive found a place for us to move to and am so happy to think our life will go back to normal but now my partners parents are upset because they have been there as my sons grown up and feel as though im taking him away from them. Its only down the road and i feel like we've let them know how grateful we are for everything they have done, but his mum just bursts into tears every time i mention us moving. Now i dont know what to do. Am i being horrible or is it ok to want my family to move on and get settled in a place we can call our own?...

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Samantha - posted on 02/17/2010

23

48

1

Wow girl you have had some hardships but I am glad you are going to be getting back on your feet you totally deserve it. As far as moving out of your partner's parents house you totally shouldn't feel guilty about doing it. Like you said you will only be down the road and I am sure you will still visit often.... In a way they need to stop being selfish and let you get on with your life. When its needed its totally ok to live with parent's but I think its necessary when you can to live out on your own and for you three to be a family and grow together that way. They are going to be upset but try talking to them about it a little more but in the end no matter how they feel you need to do the right thing for your family.. trust me they might be upset at first but just make it a point to invite them over to visit and go visit them often so they don't feel like moving was your way of getting away from them. They need to understand and they will in time that you need your own space and that you are doing it for to better yourself and your little family. Good Luck!! Hope everything turns out for the best :).

Andria - posted on 02/12/2010

139

19

19

you have to move on. YOu have to think of your family and your happiness. Maybe sit down and talk with his mom. Tell her how you feel and tell her that this is going to happen because you need to do this for your family. GOod luck!!! Im happy your baby is okay!!!!

Kimberly - posted on 02/12/2010

785

23

317

Hi Sunny, you guys are doing the right thing by getting your own place because you need to be in your own lil family but that doesnt mean that his parents are no longer a part of your lives. We lived with my husbands parents for a few years and when we moved into our own place we just set it up that every Fri night we would go over to there place to have a few drinks and a meal so we see them regularly. Once I had our lil girl we still go over on Fridays but I also just drop in for morning tea or ask his mom to come shopping with me through the week. And we moved 15km away so just down the road is easy! I think if you just reassure her that she will still be part of your sons life and really do make the effort to see them a bit she will come around to the idea of you guys living on your own. It would be very hard because she has been so much apart of his life she probally thinks she wont be now and even though you shouldnt have to explain to her that you want your own place just gently but firnly tell her your moving out! Hope it all works out for you and I cant believe you had that bad of roommates!!! Cheers

Lisamarie - posted on 02/12/2010

715

26

111

Hi, your experience sounds terrifying! I'm so glad your babys OK! I think it's wonderful your partners parents took you in but I think you need to move out.

Maybe I'm being cynical bcoz I dont get on with my MIL, but do you think she is using emotional balckmail to get you to stay? If so, you need to get out before she takes over.

If not, you still need to have a stable home for your family. Just ease your MIL into eat, tell her when your moving and get her involved in helping out looking after your son during the move. (We just moved and it was a nightmare with our 2 children)

When you move buy her some flowers, or a nice present she'd like as a thank you and help your son make her a card too. Let her know she's welcome round anytime.

If it's only down the road she shouldn't have a problem with it and she should be proud that you've made it this far and are sorting our rebuilding your life. Good luck! :)

This conversation has been closed to further comments

128 Comments

View replies by

Jessica - posted on 02/17/2010

5

37

0

I think you should move on. It will get easier for her as time goes on. You have to do what is best for your family.

[deleted account]

Sorry you went threw such a terrifying experience! Im glad you are all safe. Your not being a horrible person, Your doing the right thing, you have to move forward. Just let his mother know that she is welcome to visit whenever she wants. It will be hard but over time everyone will adjust.

[deleted account]

It is, in my opinion, perfectly okay for you to want your life back to normal. From experience, relationships can go down the drain and children can become confused by living with parents and grandparents at the same time. If they will only be down the road, maybe you guys could set up some kind of schedule for when they get to see him or when he gets to stay over at "grandma & grandpa's". That way everyone has time to look forward to; his parents getting alone time with him and you guys having alone time with eachother. I would hope they would understand that.....

Let me know how it turns out!!

Nicole - posted on 02/17/2010

6

9

0

Things sound like they are getting better for you as time goes on. You should not feel hurt about moving out. Just reassure them they are welcome anytime just call and make sure your home. This way you can avoid unexpected drop ins. You are not taking YOUR son away from anyone. Remember he is your son and it is your life as a family. You need to have your own life too and it is difficult to loose the help, I have done it, but it is nice to feel home. Just don't foget to include them, invite them for dinner of call and drop by with your son. Don't make them feel like you ran at the first chance.

Monica - posted on 02/17/2010

27

4

2

wow, kudos on surviving all that and still having your sanity!! You are not being horrible. Just realize his mum is going through a kind of empty nest syndrome. Imagine if you were in her position. I live with my father and step-mother for three years, now that i am moving out at the end of the year they are freaking out too. I told them, i lived here to help them out and now its time for my son and I to do our own thing. They still mope but they will be fine. So will your partners mum.

Brittany - posted on 02/17/2010

43

26

1

You have to do what is best for YOUR family, and eventually even if your inlaws are upset in the beginnning they will come around...dont worry, do what you feel is best.

Lori - posted on 02/17/2010

39

100

3

I haven't read any of the other posts. But you need to get out on your own. His family im sure didn't live with their parents, Im not sure why parents try to hinder their children from growing up and having a family life. I would just do it. Do not be guilted in staying in their home. You need a home of your own, for your family.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/17/2010

8

22

0

It is 100% ok to move on to your own place with your little family. I lived with my mom as a single mom during my pregnancy and my daughters birth. She got to the point she argued as to who physically gave birth to my daughter. Since I moved out our relationship has been much healthier. It is selfish of your partners parents to behave this way, and in time they will come to be happy for you and your family. Good luck!!!

Amy - posted on 02/17/2010

7

57

2

Hi ya 1 question whos family is it? Yours, do what you feel is best not you partners mum hope this helps take care

Kristie - posted on 02/17/2010

116

25

11

everyone needs their own space. his mother will in time hopefully understand that. tell her she can have "grandson time" whenever she needs! let her know that you are not taking him away from her but that you just need your own space.

[deleted account]

You need to have a place of your own because living with other people never allows that personal time that you need for YOUR family!..

Karissa - posted on 02/17/2010

112

26

6

You are not being horrible. It is perfectly normal to want to live with your family, just your family. Most people around the world move out of their parents house, especially when they have children. You are an adult, you can be independent, you can be the mom you are meant to be. Every grandparent wants to be as close as possible to their grandkids. My mom tells me that she wants to keep my daughter, but that's normal. Your mother in law will, whether she believes it or not, will appreciate the time away from your son and when she is able to visit with him it will be much more special. Part of a parents job it to be there for when their children are young to raise them to be responsible, smart, trustworthy adults. But if you continue to live with them, you will not be able to prove to them, your friends, and even more, yourself, that you are responsible and smart. I have faith in you. Let your mom know that you love her and aren't taking your son away from her, but you do need her support in this decision that you have made for YOUR family.

Samantha - posted on 02/17/2010

93

30

8

Its time to stand on your own feet...and You know it too. Good luck, Your parents need to understand though you love them being in your sons life, it is time to start your own life outside their home and protection. I'm sure they will be upset, but if they love you and your son they will understand, and most def. Remain a big part of your lives.

Ashli - posted on 02/17/2010

41

23

4

I bet it does hurt them and I dont blame them. But they need to realize they are his grandparents and you two are his parents and you know what is best for him. Having a house of your own with your son and partner is the biggest step in a family and you can't keep depending on your in laws to help you. You have to move. They may be hurt but they will get over it and realize what you are doing is for the best. Make sure they know that they are more then welcome to come visit but you have to stand up for your family and moving into a house of your own is what your family needs.

Sami-jo - posted on 02/17/2010

66

67

18

omg your experience is awful so glad your son and u and your partner are okay!! his mum will be fine its just fear of change but all will be fine in time nice there so supportive, dont feel bad like you said its not far away that your moving too, ans there always be welcome round you've had alot of response i hope you feel better about it all soon take care xx

Kathryn - posted on 02/17/2010

5

25

0

I can relate with how you feel coz I am in a similar situation. I believe the best thing you could do is to reassure them that you not taking their grandchild away (though they might not listen) and move. It could only do you and your little family a lot of good

Beckie - posted on 02/17/2010

1

32

0

OMG. What a frightening time the little lad had. Me and my family lived very close to the in-laws and we felt very torn when we wanted to move. It was very difficult to us and the grand parents but you need to do what you feel best for your immediate family. If that is moving then so be it. Your mother in law needs to support your decision and help you find your feet somewhere you can truely call home. In time this will happen and she will adjust. You never know a bit of space may even pull you all closer together. Good luck x

Leticia - posted on 02/17/2010

2

14

0

wow i couldnt imagine going through someone taking one of my kids, my heart goes out to you for having to deal with that. as for your partners parents, honey they will be fine you'll see. it really is in the long run going to be whats best for you and your family. if you don't move it could end up putting a great deal of strain on your relationship if it hasn't already. his parents know you appreciate what they've done, his mom is just having some seperation anxiety, but she will be fine i'm sure. when all else fails, pray about it, always works for me. good luck, and let us know how it all works out!!

Rebecca - posted on 02/17/2010

27

12

2

omg that is awfull that they tried to kidnapp your son i can imagine it was really terrifying for you all.you are right to want to move on and into a place u can call your own his parents need to realise that u cant live with them forever let them know that no one is taking him away from them and that they will see him on a regular basis maybe you should sit down with his parents and discuss days and times that they can visit and when you and your son can visit them that way they still feel involved.it sounds to me that they are just scared that they wont see him much.i hope it all works out for u xx

Monique - posted on 02/17/2010

44

29

6

Wow I'm so sorry for what you guys have been through but her it goes, first place where you guys went wrong was you movedin with people you didn't know that can never happen again and as far as you all moving from your partners families home that is a good choice it is time for you all to move on and have your own life yes I understand his mom is a little upset but you need to go to her and let her know that she will still be there and they can come visit but it's time for you all to stand on your own feet, I don't know where your spiritual life is but you all need to get connected with a church and pray and know he will take care good luck and God Bless .........





Monique P

Maggie - posted on 02/17/2010

26

6

1

Set a date and move. Stick to it! Stop feeling guilty! After you move show your mother in law how much you love them by visiting often and inviting them over. But don't let her tears guilt you into ANYTHING! Pray about it and you will find peace. Good Luck and God bless!

Chanel - posted on 02/16/2010

5

11

0

Your not being rude by moving. You are a responsible parent and you want more for you and your son. You want to teach him to be independent but how will he learn when he is leaving from school from grandma's house where he sleep on the couch.... (Just trying to make a point) There is nothing wrong with wanting more for yourself. I wish you the best of luck with everything....

Danielle - posted on 02/16/2010

18

18

1

You're not being horrible. My husband, our two kids and I have been living with his parents for about a year and a half and every time I mention "moving", even as a thought, my MIL cringes. My older son is almost 2 and my younger is 6 months, and she has also been around them all this time and can't bear the thought of us leaving. But every family deserves, and needs, to have their own space eventually. Don't feel bad. Just understand it may take them a little while to warm up to the idea.

[deleted account]

I am so happy your son is ok! What a nightmare! You handled it well when it happened it sounds like...you trusted in your own instincts then, keep up the good work. You and your spouse are the only two who know what is best for your family. Honestly, look at your track record and go with your heart. What concerns me is the guilt the mother in law is placing on you and your husband. Its uncalled for and as a mother (young or experienced), she should invite her family's growth TOGETHER anywhere you choose to go. I'd suggest that you not try to take her selfishness upon your shoulders right now. I wish you the best of luck, truly!

Yvette - posted on 02/16/2010

25

30

1

you're not horrible!!!!!!!!! your mother in law needs to realise that you and your family need a place of your own and your own space. it doesn't mean that she wont see him coz as you say its just down the road. I guess there will be an adjustment time but in all you need to do what is right for you and you family.

your mother in law obviously is very close to your son and cares for him a lot which is fantastic but i guess she needs to pll back a lil so that you guys can move on and move out.

Maybe you could organise that she has him for a certain time every 2nd day or something. It give you a break so you can get chores done and maybe go and do something for yourself. and she gets to spend some mor time with the lil fella.

Hope that helps.

Remember you are not a horrible person at all! Be strong and stick to what your family needs not want your mother in law wants.

Brenda - posted on 02/16/2010

10

9

2

its only natural for you , just like any woman, to want to live in thier own home. In spanish ther eis this saying that translates, a married couple wants thier home. u are doing nothin wrong, they need to stop being selfish and let you all move on.

Tiffany - posted on 02/16/2010

10

0

0

Hi Sunny! I'd like to first say that what you and your family went through must have been terrifying! I couldn't imagine going through something like it; that's like a parent's worst nightmare! I hope you all are healed from that...Moving on, I definitely think you and your family should move. While it was wonderful and gracious for your partner's parents to take you all in and as I'm sure you respected them in their home, they need to respect you and realize that this is the next step for your family. You mentioned it is right down the road; be sure to assure your partner's mother that she is welcome to visit her grandson...This is something you and your family should be excited about! Finally being able to get on your feet again and start a new chapter in your life in a new home! Remember, ultimately, YOU are that little boy's mother, not her...you and your partner call the shots for your family, not them.

Donna - posted on 02/16/2010

4

20

0

i have been in this sittuation. just tell your partner that you feel like it would be better for you guys to move and be on your own again. that you guys need your own space to do what you want whenever you want. it gets tough liveing with family members. as far as his mom she will be ok

Lacinda - posted on 02/16/2010

24

25

5

It's okay to move and get a place on your own. Every family needs a place to call their own... sounds as the grandma is being a little shelfish to me and if hes not a long ways there is no reason to get all worked up about it... Good luck .....

Krista - posted on 02/16/2010

1

12

0

I think you are doing the right thing on moving out and away. it sounds like your partners parents are just being clingy. You cant let them hold you and your son and your partner back from living your own lives and not theirs...I know you dont know me at all and I hope this helps you out.

Kim - posted on 02/16/2010

2

5

0

I did not read everything everyone else has wrote but I first him so sorry for the fact that somebody tried to take your child as well as I am so happy that he is okay. I know how you feel because I moved in with my in-laws for help while I was a surrogate with my two toddlers because my husband was sent away for the military. When ever I would bring up leaving they would get upset as well. My mother-in-law was in tears the day we moved. We are so much happier now. My husband and I no longer fight about anything. It is my furniture my life again and I don't fell like I am not raising my child the way they want. Good luck and know that they will be fine.

Abby - posted on 02/16/2010

6

20

0

you and your partner have a family and are adults. you are responsible for raising your son in your home and giving him what he deserves and should know as a family. don't feel bad. they can foster parent if they want more. be confidant in who you are and your decisions, and that is: His mother. and you will never have to defend yourself or feel guilty from someone else's comments and thoughts. even if they are family. you can do it!

Yahaira - posted on 02/16/2010

1

20

0

You are totally fine moving out, she will get over it, you dont have to feel guilty about it you started a new family and that got interrupted because of crazy people but now that you have an opportunity to continue with a normal life she should be happy for you and not make you feel guilty you also have to remember that is his mom so she wants to also keep her son too! Just doit and you will see she's gonna be fine even if she acts a little mad / sad at the beginning.

Ericka - posted on 02/16/2010

199

19

5

Your experience sounds horrible. I think that it is perfectly fine for you and your husband to want to move into your own place. Let your mother in law know that she will still be able to see your boys whenever she wants and that your not taking them away from her. After all that you've been threw you deserve a place to call your own.

Sarah - posted on 02/16/2010

296

5

21

I know you partners parents are upset but you guys have to live you lives. It maybe hard but like you said you aren't going to be that far way. It won't be the same but they need to let you guys go. My finace and I had to live with my parents when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. We moved out when he was about three months old. Which isn't as long as you guys but my mom was upset. She calls me every day to see how my kids are and wants to be with them all the time. They be upset at first but they will be okay and then you'll just have to live with them calling you and wanting to see your son all the time.LOL. Good Luck! I hope you guys get your own place!

Mandy - posted on 02/16/2010

33

25

4

that is a terrifying experience! i couldn't even imagine how you felt! I am SO glad you had someplace to go that was safe. and no hun, it is NOT ungrateful or ANY of that for you two to want to go to your own place again and really have your OWN life AT ALL. His mom is probably just fearing the "empty nest syndrome". my mother had that as well. and she is just seeing another lil boy gettin ready to leave the nest and it may remind her of when her son was old enough and left home as well. but once you three get into your new place down the road and SHOW her that she will still very much be in his life and take him to see her or her to see him she will eventually calm down, it just takes time.

Rebecca - posted on 02/16/2010

8

6

0

Hey. From a a person who's been there take it from me, while it may hurt her now, she will survive. You need to do what is good and healthy for your emotional and mental well being. If you feel like it is important to have space for you and your little family, TAKE IT! It's important to feel like you are the mama bear and are number one. On the flip side, just prepare yourself, you don't realize how much little help you have until you are alone in the middle of the day and want a shower. Not that you can't do it on your own, because YOU CAN, but it is definitely an adjustment of both good and bad :) Good luck sweetie.

Jessica - posted on 02/16/2010

3

20

0

I think you are making the best choice for your family. Just because you want to move out doesn't mean you are taking your son away from them. You are just trying to become an independant family. I am a single mother of two small children and I moved 1700 miles away from my family because I knew it was the best decision for my family. At first my mom was upset because I took the only grandchildren she had that she can spoil rotten and send home to mommy away by moving that far away but in time she saw that it was the best thing for me to do. I now have a full time job that I have been at for 7 months now and my children and I have our own home. Sometimes the decisions we make hurt the ones we love till they see that it was the best thing for our family. Do what your heart tells you to as long as it is the best decision for your family.

Jamie - posted on 02/16/2010

2

17

0

It is very normal for u to want your own place. It does not mean that u love them less or are not greatful for what they did for u. But everyone needs there own place.

Amanda - posted on 02/16/2010

344

44

9

You are not being horrible...if it is just down the road I am sure she can deal and you have a right to want to have a place of your own and it sounds like you have been through a lot...I say go a head with the move.... and if she doesn't understand there is not much you can do I guess other than to let things blow over...try talking to her to see if she can understand your side...does she have a car, can she get to you? can you get to her for visits? if so just let her know that she is still going to be there in his life...it doesn't sound that huge of a deal and she seems to me to be over dramatizing...anyway...I wish you luck

Melanie - posted on 02/16/2010

18

11

1

My husband and I had to live with my parents for awhile b/c we couldn't afford a place. We were very appreciative and tried our best to tell them and show them. However, when we found out we were pregnant with our son we decided to move out. We only moved 4 miles away, but my parents were traumatized. Then recently we moved 45 minutes away. It's wondeful to finally be on our own and not have my parents breathing down my neck. I love them and appreciate all they did to help us and support us, but there comes a time when you need your own space. You are DEFINITELY not being horrible. Your mother-in-law will learn to deal with it. She's lucky she got to see him so much already. Good luck with everything. You'll be in my prayers.

[deleted account]

Well, let me begin by saying that the attempted kidnap of your son must have been a very frightening experience and I am glad your child and you/and hubby are ok. I, also think it was very generous and caring of your in-laws to be so accomodating. They have giving you a safe plac to stay, and in turn have probably grown accustom to he hustle and bustle of a busy toddler and two adults sharing the space in their home. Yet, I do believe that you are right in wanting to have a place of your own. And in fact I think it is best for your relationship with your partner, your in-laws, and your personal growth as a parent, to live in your own home with your partner and child. Although, your in-laws seem hurt by your decision to move out after two years of living with them, I think they are just afraid for your safety/well-being. I think you need to just reassure them, that as grand-parents they always hold a place dear to you and your child. I think you should remind them that you appreciate all the help that they have given you, yet you and your family need to regain your independance.

If you are having trouble speaking with them, try writing a letter. And when you do move....visit often! lol With time, they will trust that you, your child and partner ar ok.

Good luck.

Heather - posted on 02/16/2010

22

32

3

it is ok to move on just realize its going to hard on all of you even you i would just assure them they will get to be with there grandson still you have to do whats best for you

Natasha - posted on 02/16/2010

31

29

2

You defiantly need to move out and live on your own as a family, This is the time were you move on from your parents. As long as you said your grateful for the help they gave you guys in the time of need is all that matter's. You've had parents all your life this is your time to be independent and live your life and raise your son on your own with your bf. Don't feel ashamed to leave or obligated to stay. I had some what of the same situation just in a different way.

Cassie - posted on 02/16/2010

11

73

0

We have been there in the same spot with my husbands parents, it's hard but it's not wrong! You have to do what you feel is best for you and your family! Hope all goes well

Amanda - posted on 02/16/2010

3

14

0

Try setting up a little time, maybe an afternoon or something, each week that can be a special time for her and your son to spend together so she can maintain that bond that she's developed. I'm sure she just doesn't want to miss out on on anything! I'm glad everything is ok now with your son and good luck.

Jaime - posted on 02/16/2010

2

52

0

it will all work out she will feel better about it once you actually do move, as soon as she realizes your still going to visit they can babysit whenever it will be ok, by the sounds ofit your little ones life started off rough and grandma is still adjusting. good luck!!

Amanda - posted on 02/16/2010

11

21

0

it's definitey okay to let your family move on! Of course they may be sad, but let them know that they are welcome to come see you guys whenever. They should understand the importance of a young family to have privacy and a sense of independence. They can't really expect that you guys will be there forever. You need you own family memories and experiences, and if you are in a position to do it, then they should try to be happy for you. Good luck!

Jen - posted on 02/16/2010

1

1

0

your an adult and you have your own child..parents should understand that you need to go on and be on your own and raise your own family..on your own!

Sunny - posted on 02/16/2010

662

21

53

Hey girls thanks heaps for all the messages, means heaps really it does! Sorry but i just need to have a quick rant or ill feel like ill explode! I just found out that the crazy drug addict that tried to kidnap my son (and strangle my partner, i didnt mention that bit at the start) is out on parole and is 7 months pregnant! dont get me wrong im all for rehabilitation and all but some people just cant be helped! i mean how many more children will it take? (my son was not the first or the last) and now she's having her own, what will happen to that baby? will she get to keep it in hope that now she has one she;ll leave everyone elses alone? Aghhh!!!!!!! sorry bout it just makes me so angry, sad and scared all at the same time! sigh....

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms