I have a 10 year old son named Gavin. He is very bright but yet he forgets Everything!! My husband says I protect him way to much. Does any other mom out there do this too??

Crystal - posted on 10/26/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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He is in the 5th grade and I still go behind him. I have his teacher even check his backpack then i check it again. Im always at the school taking him something he left at home. (lunch, glasses, homework) Ive had to do this since kindergarten. I feel he is getting to old for this and I cant go behind him forever. He is an A B student and I make sure of that but he needs to learn how not to forget his things he needs. What do yall think do i need to stop going behind him? How would you handle this? Are you going through it too??

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Courtney - posted on 10/30/2010

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I had this problem growing up lol. My mom was ALWAYS at my school with something. I think having her there constantly going behind me, made me "lazy" I didn't even know why i couldn't remember anything until one of my friends said something about it high school. Then I was old enough to write a list every morning and check it by myself. Maybe you could help him do that?

[deleted account]

I like what another poster said. Go through a checklist (actually written down on a piece of paper) each night and morning to make sure he has what he needs. If he forgets something, let him suffer the consequence at school. Slowly but surely stop helping him with the checklist. He sounds like a great kid and this will be a great learning and growing up experience for him. By the way, you should let the teacher know you are going to stop bringing his things in for him. I'm sure she'll be fine with it!

[deleted account]

Let him get in trouble at school a few times for forgetting his things. It's hard to do, but he needs to learn. By the way, I used to teach fourth grade. At that age they need to take on more responsibility. His teachers in middle school will NOT check his backpack or show sympathy for him forgetting his things. Use the rest of his fifth grade year to teach him to be responsible. He'll be better off next year by getting in trouble a few times this year.

Brittany - posted on 10/28/2010

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It is possible that he feels that it's not a big deal if he forgets something or doesn't do something he's supposed to because mom will always fix it for him. He has no consequences for forgetting things so he doesn't have to worry.
My husband is that way and it is so hard to deal with. His mom always took care of him and did everything for him so my husband didn't know how to do ANYTHING when we got married. Not even write out a check or vacuum! He will forget to send them out and rack up huge late fees if I'm not on his back about it. It starts with lunches and glasses and then it turns into bills and job performance and cleaning the house and feeding/changing the baby. It's ingrained in him not to worry about anything because in the back of his mind, it will always get taken care of anyway. He doesn't consciously think about WHO will have to do things if he doesn't do them.

He gets so mad when I'm on his back about forgetting things because he gets embarrassed and angry with me for taking care of him and angry with his mom for never teaching him anything. I love my husband very much but it can be VERY frustrating dealing with this "disability" that his mom caused.

It might take a while now that your son has been used to it for 10 years but if your son forgets his lunch or glasses, don't bring them to him. Let him learn what happens if he forgets them for the day. He will start to think "Wow I was so hungry all day! I'd better not forget my lunch again" or "wow I had a really hard time seeing today, I have to remember to bring my glasses!"
They wont always be delivered to him and it's really important for a kid to learn before they become an adult and have real responsibilities that it's important to take care of his own stuff.

I'm not trying to attack you and you sound like a great mom and I know how hard it is to let your kids learn their own lessons when you just want them to be happy and taken care of but in order for them to be taken care of, they need to learn how to take care of themselves and others.

If he has a hard time with remembering something, try to get him think about creative ways to remember it instead of bringing it to him. That will help him a lot when he grows up. Have an open discussion with him about what he thinks will help him remember. Offer some suggestions like putting his glasses case into his backpack the night before so that it's all ready before he goes or a before-school checklist of all the things he needs (with him making the list himself). Ask him if he has any ideas first. Only offer a suggestion or two if he can't think of any. If he offers any ideas, tell him they are great ideas (even if they don't sound too realistic) and tell him to try them and see if they work. If they don't, have another discussion and try to get him to come up with something else. Tell him to keep thinking about it and tell him WHY it's important to remember things for himself. Try some memory games and flashcards. He might get frustrated with himself and with you because all of a sudden things are much harder and he's not used to it and that's normal and it's okay! I know it's way easier to say than do but you have to think of how he will be when he lives on his own one day and has a job that you can't call or sit behind him and make sure he's doing what he's supposed to. It will be SO much harder for him at that point and for his future wife!

By doing things like the open discussion now and trying to get him to come up with way to help himself, you're encouraging his problem solving skills, self confidence, memory and logical thinking. All things that my husband is weak in now.

Like I said, I'm sure you're a great mom and it's totally normal for moms to want to protect their kids forever. I'm sure I will have a really hard time with this when my baby is older but of course you want the best for your child too and it's best to get them ready for the real world. Not in a tough and cruel way but in an interactive, creative and supportive way.

Good luck and I wish you all the best!

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Crystal - posted on 10/30/2010

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His school grades are great A/B scored perfect 600 on his SOL state test. Reading is great. His behavior is really good. a do what u say laid back kinda kid. I dont have any problems with any of that its jus him forgetting everything. If I didnt go behind him he wouldnt be as good of a student cause he forgets things he needs to hav at home to study and or do his work. IDK???

Crystal - posted on 10/30/2010

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Thankyou this help I guess because Ive said will that be the ok thing to do, will i feel guilty for it and so on. But I know its what will benifit him in the long run

Victoria - posted on 10/28/2010

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How does he do in other areas? Is he a good reader? Academically is he on track. Behaviorally, does he remember the things you tell him.
Perhaps it's just forgetfulness or maybe it's something more like an issue with ADHD. Often times kids who have attention issues seem forgetful.

Amanda - posted on 10/28/2010

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I would make him a checklist that he can go through by himself to make sure he has everything before he leaves the house. Glasses, Homework, etc. Go over it with him before he leaves, so you don't have to follow behind him.

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