i need some advice

Shannon - posted on 12/12/2010

your children are young enough (especiallly the younger one) where there young enough to kinda...get over it. Not necessarily forget--especially if he remains in your lives. But if your not going to be able to make it work down the road, your better to split now while theyre still to young to understand whats going on. Once they get to old they will question where daddy went. He sounds like scum and i wouldn't have stayed after the first time. I dont believe people should stay together for kids because if what they provide is an unhappy family--that is what the child will grow up to know. We want better for our children so i say get out now...and train them right so they wont see the bad stuff.....just my opinion

Amber - posted on 12/11/2010

My ex and I were together for 9 years when my son was about 1 I just fell out of love with him. We had both changed so much and neither of us were happy anymore. I stayed and ended up getting pregnant again with my daughter, we separated when she was 4 months old. It was the worst feeling ever BUT it has been almost a year now and I'm so much happier and my son is a lot happier too! He sees daddy and he lives with me but me and daddy never fight anymore.

Isobel - posted on 12/11/2010

and you need advice?

Sasha - posted on 12/11/2010

personally i think that just doing something for the kids might mot turn out for the best yes they need both their mum and dad but they will also be able to sense your not happy in all honestly if it were me id do what makes you happy cos if mums not happy neither are the kids

Vicki - posted on 12/10/2010

Never stay together just for the kids. If you don't get along or love each other anymore and the kids see that and are in the middle of that, it will be worse for them. I was so happy when my parents divorced because I didn't have to listen to them fight anymore. As long as you aren't putting him down or saying negative things about him in front of your kids, you will be doing the best you can for them. My son's dad and I split when he was 4 and it was pretty rough, but now (my son's now 7) we get along great and we can co-parent wonderfully. It took us awhile, but now we can talk and be perfectly civil. I just told my son that we get along better when we don't live together. Good luck to you and do what's best for your kids.

Natasha - posted on 12/10/2010

Hi Theresa. I cannot speak from the same experiences, but I can speak from a loveless marriage. My husband and I have been seperated for nearly 6 months and it was and still is hard some days, but it is getting a lot easier. I felt it was not the environment I wanted to bring my children up in and I was not happy and had little energy to play with the kids anymore. I would rather raise my children alone than have them learn that being in a loveless marriage is acceptable. My kids deserve better. You are responsible for teaching your children what they should expect out of life and if you stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on you (what is worse with those you are meant to trust most, your sister and best friend), what does that show your children. BUT most importantly, you deserve better than that. YOUR emotions are just as important than your childrens. You need to doo what makes you happy and the kids will be happy, if you are. Your children are young enough to not be too effected by the change. My boys both glow when their father walks into the room, but they are happier now than they were before. My eldest started developing bad habits like hitting himself and banging his head against a wall (actually the closest thing to him at the time) and now he is barely doing it at all and he is laughing and laughing at lot more. I am happy now and so the kids are happier too. All i can say to you is that by taking care of yourself you are also taking care of your children. Best of luck and I hope whatever decision you make, works out beautifully and you and the kids are really happy. Natasha

Kristen - posted on 12/09/2010

I know where you are coming from. My fiance has cheated on me before, but I forgave him. We now go to couples therapy once a week, and there is a drastic change! I grew up without a dad also, at least until my mom married my step-dad, who then adopted me. I would never want my son to grow up in a broken family, but just remember that you need to do what is best for you and your kids. You don't want your son growing up thinking that is how you treat women you love. Stay Strong!

Jessi - posted on 12/09/2010

p.s if you ay with him what kind of example are you setting for your daughter. its ok to let men walk all over you? be strong for u and your kids

Jessi - posted on 12/09/2010

hun first time....ok....second time with you 16 year old sister....COME ON.your kids can still spend time with him...bjut i personally am not one to tsya together for the kids...to much tnesion inthe house hold ...if mommy is not happy how can she make them happy. best to get out now while you can possibly scavenge a friendship.

Amanda - posted on 12/09/2010

Moms happiness means something too. My parents are divorced and it is much better that way... even when I was little I could tell they weren't happy. Your kids will base their relationships on how they see their parents together. What I'm trying to say is its not worth hanging on to a relationship that is broken. You deserve more and so do your kids.

Maryellen - posted on 12/09/2010

Your babies will always have a Father who loves them if you show them how to seek and love the Lord, I know how that sounds, but its so true! Go to your church family (or find one) and you will be amazed at the outpouring of love and support :)

Melissa - posted on 12/09/2010

If your not happy then don't stay. The kids can still have thier daddy in thier lives and see him, regardless of if your together or not. You not only need to take care of your children but also yourself and if your not happy then that will rub off on your children in time. I know how you feel about growing up w/o a dad tho. I swore things would be different when I started a family but reality is, it isn't. She won't hate me for it tho because she'll grow up with me, family and friends who all know her dad and what he's like and how he chose to walk.

Mary Rose - posted on 12/09/2010

i agree with them..you should leave him..he cheated with ur sister! no man who is nlove wud ever do that to the one he love! u'll just be hurting urself and ur children may suffer too..u deserve someone better..someone who will love you & ur children..ur kids will understand dat someday..:)

Paula - posted on 12/08/2010

He can still be in their lives without you being with him. Being raised with parents that resent each other for different reason is horrible and there is not need for your children to have to go through that, yoyur a stronge woman to stay around for this lonmg and everyone deserves a second chance but if he didnt take his second chance seriously why should you take your relationship seriously. You dont know if you love him anymore i would say that it not a matter of loving him anymore, if you have to think about it; its gone, which is fine!!! You should not feel like your taking your children from him - you can allow for visitions and such. Just do what is best for you!! DONT feel guilty for stay with him and giving him a second chance you did your part and he didnt do his!!!

Heather - posted on 12/08/2010

Leave, He's never going to change and you deserve better. Your kids will adapt to seeing dad only certain days. It's better for everyone to be in happy households.

Sally - posted on 12/08/2010

id say get out now while the kids are young, as later down the line more den likely things will av got worse, and it will even worse for the kids as they will av to see all the upset etc and will understand more den, also the longer u leave it the more attatched they will get to him, and the harder it will be to leave.

you really dont wanna be stuck in a relationship with sum1 that not only cheats on u, but with your SISTER!! its just not on, hed def be out the door if it was me.

and who knows u mite meet mr right dat will take u and kids in, n u may never look bak, dats wat u desearve.

xx

Margaret - posted on 12/08/2010

hi. i agree that u sud leave him. if my partner did that to me i wud leave him no matter what as u sud be thinking of urself n ur children but not him. once a cheater always a cheater no matter what.

Mia - posted on 12/08/2010

To be honest, you already know the answer. You just have to get yourself to a point where you're ready to accept it. If he is truly a good father he will do what he needs to to be in his children's life whether you two are together or not. One thing we as women always have a horrible habit of doing is making ourselves to be the bad guy when we are really a victim. I am a single mom who believes that a 2 parent household is the best thing for a child, but I also believe that a functional household is better than that. What would you rather have...your kids living in a loveless home or having two homes with parents who love them more than the world and are happy with their own lives (which in turn makes it easier to raise them). We begin to mold our children's relationship values way before we start to teach about the birds and the bees. What I mean is, you need to set the example for your kids. Do you want your daughter to grow up in that type of environment with the misperception that that type of relationship is normal? And do you want your son to think that that is how he should treat women. We teach our children these things without even realizing it. For example, my mom never told me what type of man to look for, or told me how a man should treat a woman. But my father was not in the picture, much older, and had several kids by several women. Guess what my first child's father is like. It's up to us to set that often unspoken example. Whether or not you forgave him the first time is really no one's business but your own. But mother's are often right. Just consider how much you would have wanted one of your children to listen to you. As far as your sister is concerned, he showed his loyalty by sleeping with your friend. Where does her's lie. She's old enough to know right from wrong, yet young enough to make make mistakes without considering all the people they may affect. Like I said, you already know the answer to your question and fortunately, your children are young enough to transition much easier than you think. The person who will have the problem adjusting is you. It seems that you're reluctant to become a "statistic" so to speak and don't want to have a single parent household. There may also be other dependency issues that only you are aware of. At the end of the day, no one knows this situation better than you. Listen to all opinions... rather than advice. What you need is to hear what someone thinks, not what someone else is telling you to do. And remember only a happy parent can raise truly happy kids. As they get older you amy think that those things won't impact your kids, but please know that often times the issues that children face often manifest and don't show until adult years. Good luck to you, and if you are a religious person or at least have a belief in God, PRAY ON IT. I'll do the same for you. Good luck honey!

Kyla - posted on 12/08/2010

he can still be in thier life without being in yours! Kick that loser to the curb!!

Jessica - posted on 12/07/2010

Let me ask you one thing If when your daughter is older she gets in this exact same situation what will you say to her??? would you tell her the man is not worth is he's hurt you twice and your kids dont need that or will you tell her Ohhh honey you have kids with him and he's only hurt you twice stay for the kids in a loveless relationship???? I'm sure you would choose the first one and so would i show your kids your strong do whats right!

Amanda - posted on 12/07/2010

Oh no, deffinitely not. I had my first at 17 Im 21...it is absolutely unhealthy especially for your daughter, to see you stick around with someone who is so lousey to you. As she gets older, she will think it is ok for men to do this to her. Whether or not you believe you do, Im sure it comes out in you, youre hurt. This is not good for your children. You need to show them you can be strong and independent and that you deserve respect as do they. You will then find someone worth your love. they can always have a relationship with their dad but you dont want them to think it is ok to stay with a person who treats you so badly

Marissa - posted on 12/07/2010

Just because your not with your kids father doesn't mean your kids will grow up without him. That much rests on the dad, your not keeping him from the kids, just simply saying that I'm not staying in a relationship with you. If he no longer comes around to see his kids, that is 100% on him, not you.

Valencia - posted on 12/07/2010

i fu dont love him, then u shouldnt stay with him. i understand that u have 2 kids together. my mom had 4 with my dad but couldnt take the stress of the relationship anymore, my youngest sister was only about 1yr old. my mom was honest with us about everything and allowed us to see my dad whenever we wanted (which never really happened due to the fact that my dad always had excuses when we called him). all u can be is open and honest with ur kids. the decision is urs in the end.

Danielle - posted on 12/07/2010

he can still be in his their lives, even if he is not in yours. it is better that your babies see you both happy apart then to see you suffer together.

Amanda - posted on 12/07/2010

no leave him...you can always get joint custody and he can have visitaion but he is not good for you, you deserve better then someone who is going to cheat on you with your best friend and sister and I would be so pissed at them to and she would no longer be my best friend either...as long as he wants to stay in the kids lives everything will be fine...you don't need to make him out to be the bad guy when they get older like your mom did because he was just not good for you but if he is great with the kids then he is still the good dad...you should definatly leave him especially if you don't love him..good luck with everything.

Heather - posted on 12/07/2010

just because your kids love him doesn't mean YOU have to love him. don't stay together just to have him around, kids can figure that stuff out. if you separate or divorce, keep him in the picture and do a schedule together for the kids to see daddy, etc. other than that, move on so you can be happy. your kids deserve that from you! happy mommy=happy home

Jenn - posted on 12/06/2010

I know you've had a lot of advice about this already but the only thing I want to ask you is what kind of role model do you want to be for your daughter. If she grows up thinking that it's ok for men to cheat, she will likely end up with someone who cheats on her. And I know I would never want that for my children!
If the kids are a priority for him, he'll find a way to see them even in a different state.
Also, if my sister ever cheated with my husband I would disown her just as fast as I would him!!

Jessa - posted on 12/06/2010

My dad cheated on my mom for 16 years before walking out on her. Ultimately the kids, my brother and I, turned out better for it having grown up without that kinda thing around us as a poor influence.

Now on the other hand my aunt and uncle stayed together for the sake of my little cousin. Everybody knew it, my cousin included. They did cheat on each other though not often. But my cousin turned into a holy terror and is just the biggest snot any in the family has ever seen. She is 20 now and well most in the family want nothing to do with her. While on the other hand her mom and dad ended up growing up and finding that they really did care for one another and have a wonderful relationship now. But it took 20 years of hell to get them there....

If it was me, I wouldn't for one second stay with a guy who was cheating on me. One of my best friends did that and he ended up giving her an STD because of his cheating ways. In my opinion its not worth the risk to your health or your state of mind putting up with his inability to keep his pants on. You deserve better and can find a man who will not only treat you better, but would be a better influence in your kids' lives.

Vicki - posted on 12/06/2010

You love him fair enough but was he thinking the same when he cheated on u not once but twice, once with the kids auntie?!

By staying with him u are unhappy and the babies will eventually pick up on that, which isn't fair. He treats you like crap knowing full well he can get away with it.

What does this say to the babies? That it's ok for a man to treat a woman like garbage?! Please have some self respect and get rid of him, hes a loser and you and your children deserve so so much better!! x

Tiffany - posted on 12/05/2010

Ultimately it's not good for yourself or your children for you to stay in a relationship where there is no love or respect. It's not a good example for your children for them to see that you stayed with him when he treated you that way. Not only did he cheat on you, but with your sister and best friend. You don't want your children to see you unhappy. Just because you two split up, doesn't mean he can't be a part of their lives and hopefully he will be. Do what's best for YOU and your children. Good Luck.

KAREN - posted on 12/05/2010

@christi thompson thats abit harse!!!!!!

Christi - posted on 12/05/2010

Since you are cutting him out of your life, you need to be sure to cut your sister out too. Best friends are one thing, but she needs to be no where near you or your babies. She obviously does not respect you enough to say away from him and then didn't even have enough respect to tell you after it happened! And I don't care how old she is. No offense, but where the hell are your parents in all this. Not only would I make sure my daughter got the severst punishment possible, I would be pressing charges for statutory rape! He is almost 23 and she is 16!!! Do not forgive her, she knows what she was doing. Hormones or not. It will be hard on both counts, but you are a woman and we are strong. Be strong for those babies!

Crystal - posted on 12/05/2010

In regards to ur post about not knowing if u should forgive ur sister...

If ur sister was of age I wud say maybe forgivness can come but dnt make it an effort on ur part.

However ur sister is a minor. The best thing is try to forgive her and no matter how hurt u r, u have to remember he is the real villain…Yah she is old enough to kno better but remember how rage full hormones r when ur 16yrs old we where still trying to figure out our body’s and how to control urges. A 16yr old may physically be mature but their brains are not

by definition they have diminished capacities to

understand and process mistakes and learn from experience, to

engage in logical reasoning, to control impulses, and to understand

the reactions of others these responses and functions come from the frontal lobes and The human brain does not mature until the 20’s more so 21.

So yah, she committed the act to,o but remember. HE is 8ys OLDER then her. He knows wrong from rite there is defiantly some kind of "manipulation" on his part he’s an adult she is still a gurl not a woman 8yrs is a crime STATUTORY RAPE. Even if u dnt want to look at it that way.

So when considering all ur hurt and pain, and feeling betrayed. She is feeling disgusted with her self shame and guilt and taken advantage of as well even tho she brought on her feelings with her own actions.

U also have to take into consideration did he take her virginity if so thats a whole nother ball park.

I think keeping those things in mind when engaging with her could really help u guys get some where of corse once u have taken ur own tyme to register.

Jennifer - posted on 12/04/2010

Leave!!!He cheated with your best friend and your sister!!!What a jerk!You should not stay with him for the kids!If he really did love you, he would not have cheated! When you leave, if you decide to, he could still see the kids,but I do not think it is healthy for you to stay in that relationship!!!

Christina - posted on 12/04/2010

You need to leave him. Knowing he keeps cheating on you, and you staying, you are giving him permission to keep disrespecting you. Why would he respect you when he knows he can cheat and there are no consequences? Leave him, and establish visitation. You don't have to be a couple for him to be a father. My son visits his dad every other weekend, and whenever my son feels like going over there or his dad wants him to come over for an activity/special occassion. My son has a very healthy happy relationship with both of his parents and both of his step parents. He doesn't understand that most families don't act this way. He has never heard us bash eachother and he has never heard us argue over him. All he knows is that he has one very large family but they live in different houses. He doesn't have "two" families, just one. His is just bigger :)

Crystal - posted on 12/04/2010

Theresa our stories are sort of similar. I have a beautiful two year old daughter....and after everything I have been through, I must say that my biggest mistake, was that I didn't leave my childs father BEFORE I HAD HER. If I had left when I knew I should have, my daughter would never even have to suffer from the possibility of not knowing he was in her life until much older. I unfortunately DID NOT leave, not yet. I stayed a little longer, kept giving him chances, thought, he just needs someone to guide him. Wrong. What was happening was I was raising two kids instead of one baby! We were ignored, my daughter and I, we went to bed by ourselves many nights. I couldnt get him to communicate about anythign and it turned out, my entire knowlege of who he was was a lie. I found out I was lied to about pretty much EVERYTHING. I found this out after a change of events brought on by him that almost cost me my child! I added up everything, every single painful thing that he had put me through, and I decided...it was hard, very hard, but I decided, I am not having this, not for my life. Not for my daughters life. I still let my daughter spend time with him. Hes a complete frickin dead beat. Excuse my language..but she loves him. The truth is though, I think she is rather ignored over there with him, I think he is setting a horrible example for my daughter of what a man should be, and I feel that my husband though flawed, has been a much better example of what a man and father should be, which is why I feel my daughter started calling my husband dada recently on her own, at two. I still consider every single day, whether or not I should just STOP letting my daughter see her father. Its a hard decision, and the truth is, I question her seeing him every single day...but I also know, she will learn for herself one day, what type of man he is, and in the end I knwo it will make her see and appreciate how hard I HAVE worked, to make her life as wonderful as I could....there was no doubt leaving him was the best decision I ever made, even though it causes me grief still to this day that i failed as a family...but you have to understand it isn't entirely your fault, if any...some people change, and the truth is some dont.

Theresa - posted on 12/04/2010

hes going to be 23 on the 29th im going to tlk with him and tell him what i wanna do and if he has a problem with that thats his problem not mine and crystal thanks i didnt really think about that i would never want this kind of relationship for my daughter ever! or for my son to grow up just like his father that really helped me with my disicion

Crystal - posted on 12/04/2010

If u dnt mind me asking how old is ur boyfriend, if ur sister is only 16??!!?!?!?!? That should be ur first concern because if he will do that with a minor as well it be a minor that is ur sister!! Should he really be around children? Where do the boundaries actually stop!! It speaks volumes about his character that he wud cheat on u with a sibling & ur best friend.

Raise ur children to know that their mother is strong and will not be walked over r disrespected & they will emit that in their adulthood. They say little boy’s will grow up to be like their fathers & Little gurls will grow up and marry men like their fathers. U staying in this relationship will undoubtedly mold ur children into this statistic.

Show them that they can be better then that show them that u r to be respected and honored as a mother as a woman. & they will grow up to be able to have healthy relationships and be better then both their parents because that’s all we really want for r children right is to be better then us!!?!?!?

Good luck glad to hear u made a Decision it is extremely hard to separate especially with the father of ur children it adds 2 so many more uncertainties & emotions… Just remember not to close ur self off and as hard as it is to trust keep ur heart open & lean on others during ur transition.

Gabriela - posted on 12/04/2010

Growing up with divorced parents is not ideal, but growing up with unhappily married parents is much worse. My parents stayed together for many years after their relationship was over. The result was that I had to figure out my teenage years all on my own. I'm lucky I didn't make some hideously horrible mistake...

Randi - posted on 12/03/2010

The truth is that your kids are young enough that they will forget after about a week. Also, life with a dad is not always better. If you don't love him and he's going to keep cheating, you're not going to be happy. A mom with self respect and self esteem that's happy is going win out over a mom and a dad that are constantly unhappy.
Personally, I would leave the situation. If he's a good father, you should give him visitations. You may have the option of a civil and friendly relationship now, but you may not want to have that if he cheats on you again.
Sorry, I wanted you to have an honest opinion. Good Luck!

Amanda - posted on 12/03/2010

Well, I can't say that i know what you are going through b/c i have not been in ur situation, but, if he keeps cheating on you i think that you probably need to move on and find a husband. The father of your kids will always be a part of your life and they can see him when you want or whatever arrangements you would make. You don't need to keep getting heartbroken. If he Really loved you he would not cheat on you and would not want any other woman. Whatever you decide, i hope that you consider praying about what the best thing is for both your kids and you. good luck

Tosya - posted on 12/03/2010

Good....!!!! Thats the best for you and your children good luck~!

Theresa - posted on 12/03/2010

shawnda yes he dose he thinks he can do no wrong when i confronted him he said ppl were lying to not to believe it the thing idk if i should forgive my sister or not she really hurt me so much idk maybe it just needs time

Shawnda - posted on 12/03/2010

i grew up in a family were my mother only stayed for us when i was 6 i told my mother i knew she wasnt happy and she should leave that i could visit daddy on the weekends like one of my friends at school to this day my mother tells me she wishes she did leave because we grew up knowing nothing but arguing and fighting and we could see how much she hurt but couldnt make it better by doing good for yourself is also doing good for your kids you dont want them to see you unhappy it takes away from their lives as well as yours dont make yourself suffer for something he did. as far as im concerned he needs to face the consequences of his actions

Candace - posted on 12/03/2010

Theresa it's going to be very hard but you CAN get through this. Think about the kids. You and the kids will be so much happier! Stay strong and think about your happiness!! He can still be a father to the kids. You deserve so much more! Good luck!

Verona - posted on 12/03/2010

I'm glad for you. If he wants to be father to your children give him the chance and if he doesn't don't allow hom to come and go in and out their lives. You will see how much you love your life without him in it after you leave.

Theresa - posted on 12/03/2010

thanks everyone i decided im going to leave him its gonna be hard but i will

Amanda - posted on 12/03/2010

you need to go home. Pack up and go back to your hometown state and leave him. If he's cheated on you twice who's to say he's not going to do it again hun. You can't pretend you're happy with him for the kids sake because they will catch on to that and they'll feel the uncomfortableness as well. That's no way to live your life. You deserve to be happy, and so do your children. He may be a decent father but he's no real man in my book. He should of been by your side and only yours. He's obviously not happy with you and you don't deserve to be put through anymore. Pack your things and start a new life with your babies and you. They are your life now. Fuck him! :) Good luck sweetie!

Tosya - posted on 12/03/2010

Ummm. No thats the worst thing you can do is try to make it work for your kids. Its going to hurt them in the end and they dont need that they will get old enough to see that you hate him I know Id hate him... for doing this to my kids and me. Its very wrong and ur Best friend shouldnt be ur best friend anymore. Girl get the hell out

Theresa - posted on 12/03/2010

the thing is if i leave im going to a totally diff state then we live in right now im in fl from wisconsin if im leaving im going back to wisconsin