Im feeling kind of disappointed about motherhood, does every mother automatically have a loving and exciting feeling when they first see their baby?

Tasha - posted on 01/20/2012

Thanks to everyone who has responded to this post! Due to this post being from 2009 I'm going to close it to comments so newer threads can move forward! :)

Janel - posted on 01/20/2012

I think there are so many emotions going on (both good and bad) when you have a child. It's a HUGE deal! And whether it was a planned pregnancy or not you are never prepared to take on motherhood.



I personally felt a connection right away but have friends who didn't. I have a few friends that loved their baby in the basic sense of the word but didn't feel a connection until later. I think it's a little different for everyone.

Deborah - posted on 01/20/2012

Nope. I felt scared and nervous when my baby girl was plopped into my arms for the first time. For weeks I had this strange kind of "when is this girl's mommy coming to get her?" followed by "Oh no who is coming to take my baby" kind of feelings. It took a few weeks for me to form that bond with my daughter too. They gave her to me in that 'naturally dirty' state, and I held her for over an hour before GRUDGINGLY handing her to the nurses to clean her up and do their post-birth routine. I held her for another half an hour before anyone else got to touch her. I felt a connection of protectiveness, but as for a loving, exciting, wonderful bond? it wasn't there. It made me feel like a bad mom until I read that it's actually pretty normal.



When I had my son nearly 2 years later, it didn't take NEARLY as long for me to feel that overwhelming sense of "this is MY son" and to know deep down he'd always be that to me.



You're fine, it's normal. Your bond will come with time and it will be a multifaceted wonder to you, because not only will you have that bond, you'll have memories to go along with it... the first smile, the first giggle... knowing that he/she will calm at the touch of your hand and the sound of your voice. With my daughter it was built on those caresses and smiles, with my son it was the anticipation of the joys that still had lain ahead.

Brittany - posted on 03/06/2009

I didn't feel connected to my daughter when she was first born either. She cried alot at first which added alot of stress, and just made it harder I think. Once I went back to work it did start to get better.

Debbie - posted on 03/06/2009

After my son was born, I felt quite 'blank' towards him and was really guilty about it, especially when I saw how everyone else around me seemed to be responding so positively to him. Told my husband about it and he said that it was only natural that everyone else seemed to coo over the baby - because they aren't the ones who have to deal with the body changes and the stress of learning to breastfeed and the sleep deprivation! Then he asked me if I was ever worried or anxious about the baby (which I was - very) and said this was a sign that I really did love my son but was just too tired to actually enjoy it.



Anyway, he was right. You have OODLES of time to get to know your baby and one day you will wake up and realise that you do love being a mum because you can't imagine not ever being one.

Amanda - posted on 03/05/2009

Absolutely not!! You are perfectly normal. No one that I know is automatically in love with their baby when they first see them. I think this rumor is what leads so many mothers into post partum depression. So many people say, it was "love @ first sight" Which is SO NOT TRUE!!!!! It takes a little time to be happy to be a mother. Some take longer than others, this is normal, don't feel down on yourself!!! My first was a "surprise" I would say it took me about 3 yrs to be completely honest. My best friend had her first on purpose, and did not feel that "magical bond" automatically, and suffered post psrtum because of it. It will come naturally, to each in his/ her own time. Please don't be down on yourself, and understand that it is perfectly normal. Your whole life has changed in more ways than you ever imagined, and you will adjust to it in your own time, and learn on your own to love your "new life" even more than you ever imagined you ever could......

Katie - posted on 03/05/2009

no... my son is 3 and its still something i struggle with. dont get me wrong, i LOVE him. but that doesnt stop the feelings i have sometimes. it can b difficult to connect, but know that you will find the connection. and dont beat yourself up for feeling that way. i think every mother goes through it, most of us just rnt brave enough to say it

Danielle - posted on 03/05/2009

It took me about 4-6 weeks after my sons birth to start to feel better. I think that I had the baby blues that definately contributed to my feelings. I know now that I have a much better connection with him. In the beginning I can honestly say that I didn't have that automatic feeling that a lot of women experience. Now, though (he is 5 months) I know that I could not and would not want to live without him. He is amazing, and I love him more and more everyday!

Melissa - posted on 03/05/2009

Don't worry. I felt very tired and very drained in the beginning. At first I felt guilty that the moment she was born. I loved her but all I wanted to do was sleep... I had been in labor for 32 hours. I think sometimes it takes a little while to develop a connection. I think for me once I had a routine established it became easier.

Kay - posted on 03/04/2009

thank you all very much for your comments, they really helped, i will hold on, it is slowly getting better, i just felt odd always being the "motherly" one out of my friends and when it came time to be a mom, i just felt like someone taking care of a small person.  i do everything i can for her, and like Karen Armes said, i love her but its not that same LOVE that i have when i have known somebody for some time. this has really been helpful and showed me that i am not alone or akward for my feelings. thank you!

Kay - posted on 03/04/2009

Quoting Sarah:

when i first gave birth and while we were in the hospital with my daughter i was estatic!! but then once I got home and I didnt have the nurses to bounce questions off of and I started to feel the stress i was really beginning to dislike my new life! the first 3 weeks or so home my emotions were such a roller coaster so some moments i would be crying and depressed and others i would be overjoyed with my new baby. I never felt the need to go and get checked out for post partum but that could definitely be what might be going on with you.
after my daughter got to be about 6 weeks old she was so alert and was just talking up a storm and smiling so much! at that point I was really beginning to have so much fun, it just took some getting used to the new situation.

Just give you and your baby some time together to get comfortable

thank you, i think i went through a mild case of post pardom, and i was like that with my emotions, i cried everday, and was very resentful towards her, it is better now cause i deal with my feelings differently, but when im drained, i just want to rest and she wants to play, (she is 5 months now)

Kay - posted on 03/04/2009

Quoting Tania:

Hi, i felt the same after the birth of my first child, I had along and difficult labour, and by the time she was born and handed to me, i was just like "Yeah whatever can i go to sleep now ?" After that i was just so exhausted, so no we didnt have that love at first sight, overwhelming, joyfulness that everyone seems to crap on about. But after leaving the hospital we began to bond, she was a good sleeper from the start so i got lots of rest (thankfully) I find its very easy to resent your baby if you are suffering sleep deprivation. So i suggest if you can, get someone to mind bub while you get some good sleep, you'll be amazed at how much it WILL help.  No-one prepares you for a child you "dont like" personalities clash, just because you're the mum doesn't mean that wont happen. My first born is now 5 and a half, and we still work on relationship. I love her to death even though she is a totally diff personality to me. It may or may not come with time, as long as you are providing her with food, shelter, affection and show her love, even if you dont really feel it at the moment, Fake it till you make it. Dont get too hung up on it, it'll only get you down, Be the best mum you can be, not what others want you to be and you'll be fine.

thanks, i really think part of it is lack of sleep, and never getting the chance to do much for me anymore, and having to do it while her dad does what he wants, it is stressful.  but this really helps.

Kay - posted on 03/04/2009

Quoting Michelle-Nicholle:

It is normal to have to get to know your baby. Especially if you had a long birth. I agree with Amanda. For some it just happens for others it takes time. It is difficult to make the transition into motherhood. I work with a lot of moms as a doula who feel the same way. If things still feel out of sorts check out this site. Pampered Pregger and Beyond. They have all kinds of info on bonding and support  groups for postpartum period with experts in the field.

i did have a long pregnancy, as far as it was hard cause i didn't have support from my child's dad, and i cried and fought with him all the time, plus my labor was long, from wednesday night to friday night. Everything i wanted out of pregnancy, or just out of the situation shattered in my face, so it feels like i am forced to love her.  I would do anything for my daughter, and i take care of her needs, and we have our moments of genuine love, but so far, thats it.  The bonding is coming along though. slowly.

Kay - posted on 03/04/2009

Quoting Caroline:

To be honest, i just felt tired and drained for a long time before it all seemed to come together and ft into place, my daughter is almost 4 now, and i love her to bits, we have a great connection but it was the sudden hard work that hit me most,after 9 months of  not doing much and having people fussing round a bit, its a big shock! i think its normal to feel that way, not everyone instantly connects with their child, if they do, theyre lucky i think! do u feel depressesd at all,coz ive been there, so if i can help let me know

i know what u mean, it was a shock, and its hard cause i wish i got as much free time as her dad, but he helps out at times, and i get away to grab my sanity. I think im still tryna make sense of it all and get to know this little person without the fatigue and drainage all the time! thanks!

Karen - posted on 03/03/2009

i have one child who is now 4 yrs old....i did not feel that connection of instant love that everyone talks about....i fed her, changed her, held her, took care of all of her needs; but i never felt that OMG-i-cant-imagine-not-having-you feeling. it took months for me to be able to HONESTLY say that i can not imagine a day without my Hadley. when they brought her into my hospital room i did not even want to hold her. dont get me wrong, i loved her, but i didnt LOVE her in the way that i love her now. you are not alone, there is nothing wrong with you!!!!!! give it time, you will get there.



BEST OF LUCK!!!!!

Sally - posted on 03/02/2009

No. Most mothers have an exhausted thank goodness it's over feeling when they first see their baby. Then it turns into a, is he/she really crying again? feeling. The first few months are so tiring it's hard to be excited especially with your first child. That doesn't mean you don't love them of course you do. And there are some times when you look at them that you do get that squishy feeling in your heart your just to tired to notice. Just do everything you need to do to care for your baby and hold him/her for no reason sometimes, it will all be ok in time. It was for me and i felt that way both times and it all worked out. Good Luck!

Christina - posted on 03/02/2009

its not uncommon for moms to not feel a connection with the baby right away. just makes sure you do what you need to do, and itll happen :)

Rebecca - posted on 03/02/2009

Hi, I felt very confused with my first bub. I was 18 and really didn't expect to not "feel" the instant connection. It took me about six weeks for it to click and my son and I are close now. I was lost going from being at work with people around me all the time, to just having this one little person( and my husband) who wanted and needed me- but I felt like I didn't know him and it took that bit of time for it to sink in and for us to click. Good luck, if you have people around you who love and support you, you will be fine. If you feel like it is getting more on top of you I urge you to visit your doctor and ask his advice- they are there to bounce ideas and thoughts off too.

Debbie - posted on 03/02/2009

Hi Kay, I think you need to give yourself time to get used to motherhood.  Its a big life change compared to befor you had your baby. Enjoy every minute of it.

Brenda - posted on 03/02/2009

 am a first time mother to my 6month daughther nevaeh.  Dont be ashamed because I felt the same way you did for the first month or so.. Sometimes it takes awhile for that sacred bond to form.  Your emotions are all over the place and its such a huge adjustment.  I was so stressed out, not sleeping properly at night it was hard for me not to feel resentment towards her.  It felt almost as if my life was over because i had this screaming baby who i couldnt seem to make happy, it was awkward and i felt like i wasnt ready for this yet.  But after a few weeks of breastfeeding and having one on one time with her, i really got to know her.  We took naps together and cuddled in bed at nighttime.  I started going for walks and doing everything i could with her.  Just hold on bcause the bond will eventually form...Its impossible not for it to happen. Keep your head up and enjoy the extra sleep if you can get it!!

Brenda - posted on 03/02/2009

 am a first time mother to my 6month daughther nevaeh.  Dont be ashamed because I felt the same way you did for the first month or so.. Sometimes it takes awhile for that sacred bond to form.  Your emotions are all over the place and its such a huge adjustment.  I was so stressed out, not sleeping properly at night it was hard for me not to feel resentment towards her.  It felt almost as if my life was over because i had this screaming baby who i couldnt seem to make happy, it was awkward and i felt like i wasnt ready for this yet.  But after a few weeks of breastfeeding and having one on one time with her, i really got to know her.  We took naps together and cuddled in bed at nighttime.  I started going for walks and doing everything i could with her.  Just hold on bcause the bond will eventually form...Its impossible not for it to happen. Keep your head up and enjoy the extra sleep if you can get it!!

Sarah - posted on 03/02/2009

when i first gave birth and while we were in the hospital with my daughter i was estatic!! but then once I got home and I didnt have the nurses to bounce questions off of and I started to feel the stress i was really beginning to dislike my new life! the first 3 weeks or so home my emotions were such a roller coaster so some moments i would be crying and depressed and others i would be overjoyed with my new baby. I never felt the need to go and get checked out for post partum but that could definitely be what might be going on with you.

after my daughter got to be about 6 weeks old she was so alert and was just talking up a storm and smiling so much! at that point I was really beginning to have so much fun, it just took some getting used to the new situation.



Just give you and your baby some time together to get comfortable

Sarah - posted on 03/02/2009

It doesn't always come naturally like most people think it does. Of course you love your baby but, you just get so tired and drained. It's okay to just meet thier basic needs for a while. It will come when they get older and you get to know them better.

Crystal - posted on 03/02/2009

I'm a young mother i had my son when i was 20...at first i was kinda sad cuz i knew that i couldn't do what a normall did go to party get fucked up..and now all of a sudden i have to stay home on the weekends i can't go out and drink whenever i wanna or go whereever i want to..but after a few months i got use to it..and now i love my son more then life its self..I would do anything for him...its the best thing in the world it just takes sometime to get use to this new little person in your life. but believe me onces you do..its the best felling in the hole world..and its the most amazing thing to become a mother to a wonderful child..

Maleasha - posted on 03/02/2009

I felt that way with my first. It took me a couple of weeks, but once I got to know her it was wonderful.

Tracy - posted on 03/02/2009

hi how r u when my daughter was born i didint felt excitied i pushed her away my mum help with my daughter for the 1st 2 mths as i went threw deppression now im happy my daughter is 5 years old now

Tania - posted on 03/02/2009

Hi, i felt the same after the birth of my first child, I had along and difficult labour, and by the time she was born and handed to me, i was just like "Yeah whatever can i go to sleep now ?" After that i was just so exhausted, so no we didnt have that love at first sight, overwhelming, joyfulness that everyone seems to crap on about. But after leaving the hospital we began to bond, she was a good sleeper from the start so i got lots of rest (thankfully) I find its very easy to resent your baby if you are suffering sleep deprivation. So i suggest if you can, get someone to mind bub while you get some good sleep, you'll be amazed at how much it WILL help.  No-one prepares you for a child you "dont like" personalities clash, just because you're the mum doesn't mean that wont happen. My first born is now 5 and a half, and we still work on relationship. I love her to death even though she is a totally diff personality to me. It may or may not come with time, as long as you are providing her with food, shelter, affection and show her love, even if you dont really feel it at the moment, Fake it till you make it. Dont get too hung up on it, it'll only get you down, Be the best mum you can be, not what others want you to be and you'll be fine.

Traci - posted on 03/02/2009

With my first, I did not have that feeling of "I am so in love with this baby." I think a lot of it had to do with me being stressed and my husband was away at war and I gave birth with just my mom and docs in the room. He missed it. I didn't get to experience the whole blissful pregnancy thing. I was 10 weeks when he deployed. I had more feelings of I am so tired, how I am going to do this without my husband, and ect. It literally took three months for me to finally connect with my daughter. I was protective of her and did the mom duties just didn't have that feeling.



My second daughter is the one I had a instant connection with and my husband was there for the whole pregnancy and birth.

Hollie - posted on 03/02/2009

def not! i had everyone saying ''oh doesnt the pain just go and its all worth it'' but i wasnt thinking that, i was thinking no it ****** hurt! and then i had my 2nd baby and its taken many months for me to bond, shes 9 months now and its still hard. love at first sight is a load of twaddle lol

Caroline - posted on 03/02/2009

To be honest, i just felt tired and drained for a long time before it all seemed to come together and ft into place, my daughter is almost 4 now, and i love her to bits, we have a great connection but it was the sudden hard work that hit me most,after 9 months of  not doing much and having people fussing round a bit, its a big shock! i think its normal to feel that way, not everyone instantly connects with their child, if they do, theyre lucky i think! do u feel depressesd at all,coz ive been there, so if i can help let me know

Nicole - posted on 03/02/2009

it takes time soemtimes, but that doesn't stop you from feeling crummy. whne i first saw my bundle of joy i was like awww cute i think. I was exhausted and had no energy. I still feel a little odd from time to time. when you get a way you miss them  and when your there you take it for granted.  but moms need time to..and dads can help. I breast fed so my time away was not very long at all so i met her needs and then explained I needed time for me. I say it all the time although I don't get it when i want it but I will plan for it and we will tkae turns if either of us wants to be happy. hang in there take a deep breath  the momments you have right now won't last you'll want them back after they have gone but just know your feeling will pass as well. just work on it.and know that you'll love her no matter how much she/he wrecked you physically bc she/he will repair you from the inside out and you will feel that joy at some point and it will last forever!

Michelle-Nicholle - posted on 03/02/2009

It is normal to have to get to know your baby. Especially if you had a long birth. I agree with Amanda. For some it just happens for others it takes time. It is difficult to make the transition into motherhood. I work with a lot of moms as a doula who feel the same way. If things still feel out of sorts check out this site. Pampered Pregger and Beyond. They have all kinds of info on bonding and support  groups for postpartum period with experts in the field.

Sarah - posted on 03/02/2009

Everyone is different. Especially with your first, there is a lot of excitement and build up for nine months. Then your baby is born and it is a lot of work. Not everyone has an instant connection with their child. Just give yourself time. Also, a lot of mothers suffer from postpartum depression so that is something you could possibly look into. Good luck :)

Carly - posted on 03/02/2009

I did. Besides the drugs :) I felt this overwhelming feeling of love. It was soo emotional... How did you feel? Was it not what you expected?

Amanda - posted on 03/02/2009

I was much the same with my second child. She is 10 months now and it wasnt until she was about 7 months that i started to "like"  her. I did everything that she needed and i loved her but i didnt have the connection with her like i did with my son. I think it started to change when she started getting a personality.

A few people i spoke to said the same thing. I think if you just give it  a little time to get to know each other things might be different.

Hope this helps.