In Laws! Help, am I the only one?

Amy - posted on 08/21/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I had my first baby 15months ago, and before that I got on fine with my partners parents. Unfortunately, well we look at it as fortunately now, but we had only been together 6 months when I fell pregnant. I had known my partner 6 years previously, but were getting to know each other again, when I fell ill and the pill didn't work properly. So we had a baby! Whilst pregnant things started to get strange with his mum, I felt pressured into doing what she said, what to do and what not to etc. Then she wanted to give up work and look after our baby so I could go backto work within 6 weeks. (even though she knew I wanted to breast feed) Then I had the baby, she forced her way into the house 10mins after we got home, from then on things got worse. She picked on me when I was left on my own with her and made me feel so little and worthless and a rubbish mum that I ended up with severe depression. I couldn't eat or sleep and due to this I lost my milk. She then made a scene at our daughters christening and made my partner cry and ruined such a special day, just because she didn't get to say goodnight. From then on, on a positive note people saw her for what she was and I wasn't on my own any longer. She didn't even apologise. EVentually when my baby was a year old we decided to have a "meeting". She denied everything and we are no further forward. Obviously they have to be part of our lives somewhere, but she put a black cloud over the first year of my babies life.

I'm just wondering if there are people out there with similar stories that can make me fel not so alone :(

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Amanda - posted on 08/24/2009

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OHHH where to start, where to start....

So, my husband and I started dating Sept. 10th of last year, and ironically enough, he worked at the same plant as I did, just in a different town (we met over the internet after his mom had been telling me all about him, because she worked on the same shift as I did.) When we did start talking/dating, we hit it off right away, and knew that this was going to be it, and his mom didn't like that AT ALL....that's when the rumors started at work. Apparently, according to her and an ex-boyfriend that I ironically also had to work with, I was sleeping around on my husband(then he was my boyfriend/fiance) and his mom told me straight out that I was a nasty whore who had AIDS and that she hoped he didn't get anything from me, and that he would eventually see me for the slut I was and leave me to go back to his ex-girlfriend (ironically enough, she is also named Amanda) because he still had feelings for her.

Fast-forward to November, and I lost my job because of his mom harassing me at work and the supervisors not doing anything about it, and I ended up moving in with my husband (at the time he lived with his sister, her b/f, and her 3 kids) which was ok, because I wasn't having too many problems with his sister at the time. My husband proposed to me in December (got the engagement ring and what not), and that's when the problems started with his sister. She kept throwing hissy fits because we hadn't been together for long enough, and supposedly my DH didn't want kids (which he laughed at because he has wanted kids for quite some time, just never found the right girl) and that we were too young and needed to experience life before we screwed ours up. Every 1-2 weeks it was always something new that she needed to "sit down and talk with us about" like we were friggen 5 year olds again.

In January, I went to the next state over (about a 3-4 hour drive) to see one of my good friends from college (who is african-american, and blind) because it was her birthday and I hadn't seen her in over a year. My husband knew exactly where I was and where I went the entire day (and to this day he STILL knows where I am 24/7 because I have no problems with telling him anything at all.) Turns out, about the time I went to see her would have been when I concieved, which leads me to my next turn of events:

We found out February 8th that we were expecting (two positive home pregnancy tests from two different walmarts) and his sister was throwing a hissy fit about something at the time, so I told my husband that I was moving back to my parents house until his lease was up with his sister because I wasn't going to deal with the stress that she was putting on him and I while we were living there (and I don't agree at all with the way she parents....locking her kids in their rooms at night, leaving the oldest locked up during the day with a training potty to go to the bathroom in because her fat butt is too lazy to get up off the darned computer for 5 minutes to even bother watching what her kids are doing in the other room...) and he decided to move in with me, which was fine with my family from the get go (my family has been supportive since day 1.) After we moved out, his sister started telling him the same crap that his mom had been telling him! That he was going to regret being with me and marrying me because I was out to get his money, apparently spending ALL of his checks on shopping sprees with one of my friends (mind, we live paycheck to paycheck basically because of bills), and that our baby didn't even belong to him! That I cheated on him with not only some other guys from in our area, but apparently the black girl-friend from college that I went to see back when I concieved was actually a black guy that I went to go cheat on him with in the cities, and that my baby was going to come out black. And supposedly she has proof of all of this....even though my husband has met the girl that I went to go see.....

He thankfully doesn't believe anything they say though, because he has no reason to. His mom hasn't been a mom to him at ALL during his life, and so he has stayed by my side and loyal to me since we got together (thank god....)

So now, the issues that were having is as follows:

His sister is filing a small claims against him because he was the co-signer on their lease, and her dead-beat of a soon to be husband wouldn't sign the lease to get my husband off of it. So she's trying to sue him for unpaid rent and utilities....which isn't getting very far considering they're on their 3rd retrial, and she STILL hasn't sent him any papers. Thus, he doesn't have to show up, and even if she does serve him papers, we're pretty confident that the judge is gonna look at her and just laugh because her requests are ridiculous as it is.

His mother CLAIMS to want to get along with me for the sake of her newest grandchild (her 5th one now, mind you), but yet she continually presses mine and his buttons by calling him constantly and complaining/trying to send him on a guilt trip about not talking to her all the time (he says she's insane, and that he really wants nothing to do with her) and now just recently she started trying to guilt trip him about his younger brother and how it's his fault that he is doing the crap he's doing because he isn't spending enough time with him, and how he needs to fix things with his sister for the sake of his nieces and nephew....(sorry to say it, but it's their mothers fault for what has been happening, and as much as I love his nieces and nephew, and I want him to be able to see them and have contact with them, this is all their moms fault in the first place, not his.)

Not only that, but we're pretty sure that my husband's mom and brother have been trying to con him into going to see his nieces and nephew (the oldest was unfortunately just in the hospital for a really bad stomach virus), or into giving them our home address, so that his sister can serve him those darned court papers....

And his mom thinks that she's going to be in the delivery room when I have our baby! We both told her a huge outstanding NO....she has no reason, and no right to be in there......and we keep getting guilt tripped about that one too because "oh, it's my 5th grandchild, and i've been in the delivery room for 3 of the other grandchildren, and blah blah BLAH...." I'm sorry, but it's MY mom's first grandchild, and even my mom agreed that it was me and my husband's choice to who we wanted in there with us, and that if she was told to leave she wouldn't have a problem with it......which is fine, because I want her there with my husband as a support person....

GAHHHHHHHH!!! MY IN LAWS ARE AMAZINGLY SCREWED UP!!!!!! Somedays I just want to get rid of them all!!! My family has been more than supportive and gladly accept my DH as their own son!!!! They absolutely LOVE him!!!

Sad thing is, my mom has always had problems with her in-laws too (my biological father and his parents, and her new husbands parents)...

Anne - posted on 08/24/2009

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Yes! I feel your pain. I have known what my mother-in-law was for a long time and everyone has said to be friends with her, etc. Recently my mother saw her for who she is and had nothing nice to say about her, but my partner has not. He still thinks the world of his mother and insinuates that problems between she and I is my fault because she knows I don't like her, yada yada. I know she is his mother and he will love her no matter what, but I wish he would just see that maybe just maybe she is the one that makes things difficult because he is her baby and she doesn't like another woman in his life. Ugh she drives me crazy! Ironically, I always thought I would have one of those cool mother-in-laws that I could be buddies with.. not happening so far

Janneth - posted on 08/24/2009

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Your aren't alone in this. It seems to me you have gone through everything I have. My mother-in-law was the exact same way with me.....she treated me like a child and wanted me to do what she said at all times, she tried to use my husband (her son) to persuade me and when she realized she couldn't she hated me even more. I too was depressed, specially since I lost my mother when I was 16 and gosh did I need her. You have to stand your ground. Don't ever let her feel that you are any less, I'm sure you are a great mom and you may not know everything but she didn't either when she started. It is your turn to be a mom and she should have no say in what you do or don't with your children, the decisions are now yours and your partners. Good luck....hope things eventually get better, as for me....I don't talk to my in-laws anymore...they are still a part of our lives I don't take away from them seeing my kids or attending their bdays but we have limited ourselves to hi's and bye's.

Tracy - posted on 08/23/2009

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You are not alone. I have mother-in-law stories that will make you cringe. Mine started with my MIL telling me that if I was not a christian then I could never have children. This hit hard because I do not really practice any religion faithfully. Then she said that my hsuband would be an absolutly horrible father and I hsould never leave the baby with him. She also said that her husband was a horrible father and she could never trust him. Of course this was said when my husband and FIL were not iin the room and she denied everything. She accused my husband of being an alcoholic (not the case) and my of being a slob. This came about after I had been in the hospital for a week after having my son (emergency c-section). My husband in his moment of stupidity asked his mother to come to the house right after we got home from the hospital. She said my house was a pig sty and that I was going to make my husband and son ill with get this hepatitis becuae I had a dirty microwave. My MIL is to CRAZY (literally - she thinks the government inserted a chip into her tooth to listen to her thoughts) to be around my son alone. She cannot be trusted at all. She let her cats jump on him. good thing i was standing there. one cat went flying like a football...keep in mind, these cats are really mean. I am not an animal hater, I work with animals for a living (vet technician). To top off all of her crazy stunts, she kicked in our back door when we were not home just because we did not go to pick up some of my husbands old year books. we found it more important to get my son to his appointment with an endocrinology specialist. I completely understand the problems you are having with your MIL If I had any ideas, I would share them gladly but I haven't figured out what to do. I have threated her never seeing Zach (my son) but my husband sneeks down there when I am at work. The next step will be either having her arrested by breaking and entrying (this last time wasn't the first. She did it at least twice a week a couple years ago before I hit the fan and told her where to go.) or the only other thing I can do is get a restaining order because she endangers by son's life. If I come up with a solution I will definitly let you. One thing I can say is that the husband never learns to stand up to his mother. good luck, Tracy

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Im am sorry to hear that but you are not alone I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3yrs and have become pregnant, his mother is always gettin n the midst of things and she even used to call his ex over to the house whn she knew i was coming and she wld ask me to do things for her and if i didnt she wld bring it up in my face tht his ex has no problms doing this r that, for most of the relationship i allowed her to belittle me and him and thn i decided no more and i put my foot down now she really cant stand me but i feel like i dont need ur validation as long as ur son is happy with me for the most part and he wnts to be active with our child and wnts to marry me wht she says doesnt mean a thing, now she is like whn u have the baby it will be this and this, im like u are not taking over sorry

Jessika - posted on 08/22/2009

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She sounds incredibly insecure and probably feels like she needs to be back and incontrol of your partners life and also yours and your babies. My mum in law was the same, until i had it out with her. She knows her place now.

Jessica - posted on 08/22/2009

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A lot of inlaws can be like this, it's awful that she has to be like this to you. My stepmom has really ruined things with me and my dad's relationship and I have realized that you can not fight with crazy people. Crazy people will not admit to what they have done, you can not reason with them, logic does not work. What you do have is that she wants to be in your life so I would use this as a tool to your advantage. If you make scenes you won't be invited etc. I have come to the point in my life that people that make me unhappy will either have to have a normal/healthy relationship with me or none at all.

Tray - posted on 08/22/2009

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hi you are not alone my husband had the same problem with my mum, dad and sister. they had a prob with him from the day i was in labour. They tried to take over and invade the hospital & our home when we came out of hospital they all wanted 2 come down within 10 mins of us being home. Also my sister started trash talking my husband saying he didnt do anything & was a terrible father. they also moaned about our wedding and plans 4 it and in the end they didnt go 2 my wedding, and never spoke 2 my mum for 5 months. And im still not really speaking 2 my sister atm. Started speaking to my mum again due 2 my nan having a terminal illness.

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You are not alone!! My mother-in-law has attacked me several times while my husband was not around about different things. It takes all I can do to not attack her back. I made my husband talk to her, but I told him if she does even once more that that is it, she won't be allowed to watch our child and we won't be visiting without my husband because I can't feel safe being around her. You just need to put your foot down and say 'listen, I appreciate that you want to be a part of our child's life, but I am his mother and your son is his father. We are set the rules. If we need your advice, we will ask, but until then you need to accept that you are not in charge." I know mine has an issue with me not coming to her for advice because I go to my mom. She doesn't realize that is the way things are. I'm not looking forward to going back to work and leaving my son with her for the day...all I know is that if she screws with his schedule and everything, he won't be there :) So good luck, and remember be firm and strong of will and you will beat this thing!

Leslie - posted on 08/22/2009

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i hear ya girl, my mother in law is not to great. im happy my bf dont really like her either so we only get her in small doses and i don't talk to her anymore i just avoid her all together probly not the best thing but works for me. i dont think she will ever change or listen to you my oldest is 4 and my whole pregnancy she said she wished this didnt happen when everyone else was excited so some people just suck and thats just the way life goes, i think as long as your partner agrees with you, you will be ok best of luck

Olivia - posted on 08/21/2009

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Have a talk with your partner about this, I think personally you two need to have an agreement and a talk with her. You need to let her know loud and clear that you and your partner and baby are a family. Not partners mom, partner, baby and you. You need to come to an understanding that she is to comply to your rules and respect you or she will lose her privileges as a grandmother, No one deserves to go through that especially when its not their child. yes she is the grandma but she is not the mommy and you are. So yes you do need to set rules for her and if she cant comply(and make this very clear to your partner, because these are your feelings and your family) that there will be consequences. This is not in any way mean, this is you being mom and looking out for the protection of your baby. You choose who watches your baby and who is involved.

Natalie - posted on 08/21/2009

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You are not the only one - in laws can often be annoying, I think it is easier to not have them in your life if they really cause lot's of problems and hurt you and your partner - in saying that if she is really good with your daughter and loves her dearly it is worth putting up with it but if her behaviour affects your daughter then ditch her - my Nan was so nasty to me and my mum and I hate her and would have much rather not had her in my life. I know how you feel and there would be many other who would also have in laws who are not up to scratch. I hope it gets better for you : )

Sian - posted on 08/21/2009

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i feel very bad for this woman and the way she treated you is disgusting, i cant imagine what you must have went through! atleast all is well now but you should never allow someone to bring you down that low! im sure you are a great mum, bullying is wrong in every sense and she sounds like a real bully

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