is it insulting for a women to give her kids her last name instead of their birth dads last name?

Jennifer - posted on 07/12/2011

These are the circumstances which I feel it is ok to give them your name: 1. you're not sure who the dad is. 2. you're not in a relationship/married to him. At the end of the day its just a name, and if the kid wants to change it when he's older he can :)

Dawn - posted on 07/12/2011

In the state of Minnesota the mom has all legal custody of the child if both parent's were never married. I can take my son anywhere.

Brittany - posted on 07/12/2011

I think she meant curious not serious. BUT anyways, My husband and I were not married when I got pregnant. We got married when I was 7 months but until then I had every intention of my daughter having my last name. I have no connections to my last name (parents were divorced when I was 3, abusive dad, raised by my mother) but I wanted my daughter to have the same last name as me. I felt it would be easier with school, doctors and so on with us having the same last name. My mother keep her married name until we were out of school and grown up and then she went back to her maiden name. My sister has two boys who both have her last name. She has gotten married now (not their father) and has hyphened her name, so its still the same basically. On the other hand, my other sister is due next month and giving the baby the fathers last name. I feel its up to the mother and should not be seen as a smack in the face or rude. If the father is offended the best case is to hyphen the babies last name and if the parents get married later on they can drop the mothers maiden name ( I have seen this too).

Dawn - posted on 07/12/2011

I don't think It's insulting at all, especially If the dad Is no longer with the mom.



Also, FYI It's SERIOUS, not ceriouse.

Ronnie - posted on 07/12/2011

i am married with three kids and not only did i keep my last name but my kids have my last name too ,and my husband is just fine with that ! my reason for it was because in my family my mom and dad only had girls and i wanted my last name to be carried on and i even told my husband that before we got together! and for a while he was thinking about taking my last name! So in my eyes i say do what is right in ur relationship.

Marjolaine - posted on 07/12/2011

honestly i dont find it rude or a slap in the face if your not married it can go either way i asked my husband how he feels about it and he agreed with me since our first born was a boy he had to have his last name and if it were a girl she couldve had my last name and if we ever get married its just as easy to change it to his

Stasia - posted on 07/12/2011

its not insulting. The man is able to take the woman's last name if they get married, or they can create their own name and name the child that as well. Our traditionally patriarchal society is changing to become one of equality, and women who name their children after their own lineage are helping to stretch that. Good for them

Christina - posted on 07/12/2011

i don't understand why you would think that. it is none of your business what other people are naming their kids. i think it is a slap in the face for you to judge other people who you don't even know! kids should be given the last name of the person who raised them.

Koree - posted on 07/12/2011

To me it depends if they are married or engaged. If it was a one night stand or the relationship was over before the baby's birth i don't have a problem with it.

Megan - posted on 07/12/2011

I think that it is not fair for either in that situation. I think the best thin gto be done is to hyphen the last names i am married and i took my husbands name but i think it is important to think of the future to and would you as a mother want to have a different last name than your own child? My guess is no so the only way for it to be fair is to use both. Of course that is just my opinion.

Nicole - posted on 07/12/2011

if the guy is a dead beat i would give my daughter my name. fortunately for me i found a wonderful man and OUR daughter has his last name. which i would hope to soon take myself in due time when we feel we are ready or even want to.

taking the mans last name originated from very old customs. men in the day like pilgrims and Indians age . men were the everything women only cooked clean , raised children, could not be head of house, could not own land unless they were widowed. men had everything and the women taking the last name was like him branding the cows on his farm. it showed "ownership"

we have come along way from those times and some women don't take their hubbies last names now especially if they are well established in high end careers. like faith hill is not faith mcgraw after marrying tim mcgraw. even if you aren't a celebrity some lawyers don't change to their married names even real estate agents. because it makes it so hard for your cliets to find you and any established rep gets confused and or lost.

im all for taking the name if you get married though. i feel that you should take the name but that is a personal choice left to the individual and their situation.

Allison - posted on 07/12/2011

it depends on the situation. my kids have my last name because thier dads were not present for the pregnancy. and they haven't been around sinse so i think i'm right. Really though how is it rude? not that long ago the "illegitimate" children always had the mother's last name. its only in the last twenty years that the father's name instantly becomes the childs last name despite marrital status. its tradition to keep the childs name the same as the mothers so if she's married its her married name if shes not then its the maiden name. further more how is it rude to give the child the mother's name? isn't more rude to demand that children have the father's name? did he deal with morning sickness, stretch marks, growing pains, exhaustion, birth? and all the other stuff that goes along with pregnancy?

Tina - posted on 07/12/2011

If they are not married and really have no plans of that, then IMO she should give them her name. So many times people split after babies and it leaves the mother with a different last name than her own kids.
For me, I married my oldest 2 kids father and they had his last name. I remarried and had 3 more kids, and they all have his last name. So there are two names in the household, which i HATE. I guess if the first husband took any role in being a father (haven't spoken for 13+years) i might feel differently. However, i guess that if I had given my oldest 2 my last name, we would still have different last names as I would have taken my husbands name during marraige anyway.
Ultimately I guess it is the parents choice and by law (at least WA state) you could name your kid jon jakob jingle heimer shmidt. You really can. You don't have to give the child either parents name.( i learned that in the hospital)

Tiffany - posted on 07/12/2011

well you have to think, some women that are getting pregnant, the father's aren't sticking around.
I think it would be rude and insulting if you were in a committed relationship or married and you didn't give the child the father's name.
I got pregnant with my daughter at 15, had her at 16. When I found out I was pregnant, her dad bailed. Hell no I wasn't giving him the glory of having a child with his last name that he wasn't providing for or was even around for. Now he is an active father in her life, if it were to ever come up, I would consider changing her last name to his.
Now when my son was born, I was engaged, he got his father's last name. Were now married.

Rebecca - posted on 07/12/2011

i think it depends on the relationship the mother has with the birth father. i had my first child before i married my husband and we had to fight to get her given his name. but if the relationship is not a solid one with the birth father i think it is ok to give your last name to your child.

Iris - posted on 07/12/2011

I gave my son my last name. At the time, I did not even know if his dad was going to be there by the time he was born. I don't see how it is rude or disrespectful. Many women nowdays also keep their last names after getting married. Since I am my son's primary parent, I do not see why he should not have my last name.

Rebecca - posted on 07/11/2011

It's a bit of a hairy one. I think it's an issue that depends on the relationship at the time. If the parents aren't together and the father is considered 'absent', it may help the child in a sense feel more whole with themselves being the same as Mummy. Or in an instance when there've been seperate fathers but no continued relationship, it may at least give the children a sense of belonging to each other. I think anything like this needs to be decided upon what would be best suited to the CHILD, and not a choice made out of spite of a parent or anything.

Camille - posted on 07/10/2011

Sarah Bruce: you say you didn't mean to be snide but you, in fact, were. Posts are said to lack emotion but that is not entirely true. When I don't understand something someone wrote and I post asking I do it in a way that portrays that I'm honestly curious and wanting to learn information that is unknown to me. Not in a way that shows it-is-so-awkward-to-me-it-has-to-be-wrong.

Camille - posted on 07/10/2011

Sarah Bruce: my first last name is my father's first last name and my second last name is my mother's first last name. In Latin America, it is common to use both last names instead of one and you can't give your kid whatever last name you want.There's nothing complicated, there are no multiple hyphenations. My kids have my husband's first last name and their second last name is mine. Let's illustrate here: if my name is Camille Morales Suárez and my husband Alejandro Surita Saez then my daughter's name and last names are Natalia Surita Morales. We have another daughter and her name is Alena Surita Morales. They have the same last names. In my opinion, kids should have their mothers last names. So, the last name I have to give my daughter is my first last name.

Constance - posted on 07/10/2011

My husband was adopted by I think his 3rd stepfather (MIL is the biggest whore I have ever known. Sorry little rant.) When he was born he had his biological fathers last name then itwas change to his adopted fathers. Then he walked out of my husband life a few years later. Here resently he has reconnected with his adopted father and within hours he showed him a DNA test that the man he had always thought was his biological father is not his father. S for him it isn't impotant and really never has been important for him to pass along the name.

It doesn't matterif the children have the mother or fathers last name. If everyone is happy then that is what is important.

Kylie - posted on 07/10/2011

From your last reply sabrina : I believe the child should know there back ground & all about bout the mother & father no matter what but they still dont need to have the fathers last name ...!!! I think your question you are asking is wrong i think you are trying to say, why did this happen to me ? This shouldnt happen to any child ? & becaue you didnt know your real dad because you didnt have his last name doesnt mean ALL mums will do what your mum done ..... Its not all mums reasons for giving there child there name ...... Just think about it ... :)

Jamie - posted on 07/10/2011

i gave both of my kids my last name only b/c both of their fathers left as soon as i found out i was pregnant. i think its smart to do if u arent married or at least together. My little sister gave her now deceased son his supposed fathers last name and when he stole my nephew the state of WA wouldnt do anything to help her get him back all because she gave the baby his last name. It gives the father automatic parental rights to the child. So i think its the parent choice.

Jacqui - posted on 07/10/2011

my daughter has my last name as i didnt want her to have a different surname to me, im glad she does, i dont think its insulting i just think because me and her father aint married she should take my last name

Traci - posted on 07/10/2011

I totally agree with you. That's still their father so they should have the same lastname. I think it's completly rude of women to do that.

Kat - posted on 07/10/2011

well I think there are conditions to this question..... I think if you're married or the father in going to be an active part in the child's life then the child should have the father's last name...
but in my case my bio. father wasn't going to be a part of my life and still isn't so my mom gave me her last name....

Fawn - posted on 07/10/2011

If the father is going to be a part of the child's life, the child should have his last name. My husband and I were not married when my son was born. I gave my son his father's last name because I knew we would be married eventually and that I too would have the same last name. However, if the father is not going to be in the picture (financially or otherwise) then the mother shouldn't feel obligated to give the baby the father's last name.

Tah - posted on 07/10/2011

if I was married when I had my first 2 children we all would have had his last name. I do think its about passing down the name if you are married. I guess I'm old fashioned. Both are parents have been married for over 40 years a piece and nobody has different last names on either side...because I wasn't married I gave. My son his fathers last name because he was a boy and he was there throughout the pregnancy and birth. I was 16 so I was under no illusion we would be married. He's a butt most of the time but he gets him xmas..summer..spring break..my daughters name is hyphen my maiden name and her fathers name because we were engaged 7 years but not married so I was being a smart ass..I'm no longer my maiden name so I may drop hers and leave her fathers..he is involved as well and gets her the same times as my son sees his father. My husband wanted to adopt them but their fathers are such a strong presence it wasn't happening. Then we would all have the same last name. Its tiring writing out 3 last names when doing paperwork...lol...

Toni - posted on 07/10/2011

I don't think it's rude. A lot of women end up with dead beat dads. It's a lot of hassle to try to change the name so if you aren't married and/or things aren't looking great then the mother's name is reasonable. When I had my son I wasn't married to his father so I hyphenated our names, but now we're married and it's still hyphenated and so is mine to match my son.

Constance - posted on 07/10/2011

After readng other posts I saw sme comments like if thy don't ve their fathers last name it is a disconnect. That is not true by any means. My kids, my brother's kids, male couins, male friends. Allt heir kids know who their father is.

In the hospital married or not the bring the paperwork to the mother and the fathers have no say what the mother writes on that paper in the eyes of the law. I do believe it needs to be decided betwee both parents ifthe father is in the picture but men don't legally hve a say.

As far as if you are married or not if you divorce it s not a guarantee tat the father will stick around.My sister named her son after his father. He is the 4th to carry the name. They divorced when he as 2 and he will be 8 next monh and hasn't seen or spoken to my nephew since he was 3. Now he is stuck with a name that he is already saying he dosn't want. He is not important to my ex-BIL. My nephew wants to carry our family's name not his father's.

What is bigger slp in the face. A child that doesn't carry the father's name r a child who does and the father this they are less than dirt

I go with the child.

Constance - posted on 07/10/2011

I have been with my husband 17 yrs next month and all 4 of our biological children hve my last name not their father's. I did this riginally because we wereso young when we had our first child and I was not going to give him that right if he was to walk away. Too many dads walk away or scream that's not my baby. She was my daughter and he was going to have to earn the Daddy title. When our 2nd child was born we still wren't married and we wanted our kids to have the same last name. We were married when 3 and 4 wre born but again we don't want our kid to have different last names.

I don't consider it disrespectful and in my family most of the kids have mom's last name not dad's

In last couple of months my kids ask if they could add their dad's last name to their name as well so they will have dad's-mom's. We are all going to change our names to this but even now I do not carry my husband's name.

It is a personal choice. I don't consider it wrong or disrespectful. Times have changed and moe and more people are not changing or giving the man's last name. It isn't about passing on a name anymore.

Melanie - posted on 07/10/2011

I think it very much depends on the daddy in question. If he were abusive or didn't want the kids then I think it would be perfectly alright, however if it is just petty bs, such as he now has a new girlfriend, then yes it is insulting.

Amber - posted on 07/10/2011

I dont know about a slap in the face. A name is a name. Sign of the times and depends on the situation. However, I wanted my daughter to have her daddy's last name (we have been together almost six years and hope to have a wedding next year) However, the hospital here put my name as her last name (as did the clinic) because I am her mother (and I was getting SOOO mad! lol) So until her health card came in she was Madilyn Defoort instead of Madilyn Morgan. And even when we went to get her something at the pharmacy, they have it hyphanated...

Teresa - posted on 07/10/2011

Well if the father is not in the picture what's the problem? It used to be that any unmarried woman HAD to give the child her maiden name.

Jenni - posted on 07/10/2011

Thank you Andrea. No, I don't speak negatively about her mother. I always speak about her in a positive light. I would never want to play tug of war with my SD. That would be awful for her. I stumbled upon it by accident and I stopped asking questions the moment I noticed it was upsetting her. She loves all of us very much and I would never want her to be put in a situation where she felt like she had to choose.



For the most part we've always gotten along civily with her mom. Even sharing bdays and babysitting for eachother. But recently, there's been problems and without going into detail, I understand a lot of it has been projection of guilt on her part, taking it out on my husband. But understanding it does not take away the hurt feelings and stress of living it.

Saskia - posted on 07/10/2011

I don't think kids should get their dads last name at all unless the parents are married. Who gives birth to the child? Last time I checked it was me in labour not my husband. The only reason why my kids have their dads name is because I do too. I had my mums name and so did my sisters originally until my mum married their dad and that's when their name changed to his name. It is not an insult to the dad how can it be when he didn't carry the child..

And saying a name would help the dad bond is not right either a dad creates the bond not the name.

Jane - posted on 07/10/2011

What I don't understand is that if this connection to the father is so strong that the children need to have their father's last name, no exceptions, then why aren't more of these parents married to each other? I was taught that was the first stepping stone to creating a family.

And if tradition is important, then why do these parents have different last names to begin with?

And do folks really think broken homes come from not giving children their father's last name? Aren't broken homes more the result of divorce? Parents never marrying to begin with so it is easier to walk away? Parents refusing to be adults and solve problems instead of walking away?

Personally, I would find it very difficult to have a child with someone to whom I was not married, and thus be a single parent by my choice, much less have children by more than one of these men. Isn't it disrespectful to the child for two people to have sex that creates a child without having a plan for the child to have two parents?

Personally, I think it is rude, insulting, and a slap in the face to the woman if the man doesn't love her enough to marry her before creating children. After all, if a man isn't good enough to live with, what makes you think he's going to be a good father?

Jennifer - posted on 07/10/2011

I agree with you. it is disrespectful, but more so, it sends the message that the mother has some sort of shame around the father. I think that because its tradition in our country to do so, when women dont, i find myself assuming that they must be unsure of who the father is, or they are completely self centered... either way, I would never. I have two kids with my fiance, we have been in a healthy thriving relationship for almost 7 years, and our daughter is 4, and our son will be one in about a week. I gave both of my kids their fathers last name, but i was suprised at how many people questioned me about what their last name would be. I think that even if your not with the father, it is your duty as a mother to promote a healthy relationship with the child and their father. I feel like giving the child a different last name is the first step, and mistake... in breaking the bond between the child and the father. Our society is suffering because of the amount of troubled kids, mostly coming from broken homes, who resort to the streets and crime to fill that gap. It has to stop, and single moms need to be promoting a long lasting, loving bond between the child and their father.... For the future of their child, as well as our society...

Melanie - posted on 07/09/2011

All 3 of my kids have my last name. I have 2 baby daddy's and neither help me so I don't think they need their last name. Their families don't see them either.

Rosie - posted on 07/09/2011

nope my son doesn't have his fathers last name. why would i? we weren't married, he left when i was 11 weeks along and has nothing to do with him since.
if the father is in the childs life and still doesn't have the dad's last name, i say it's that families decision. if it bothered the father so much i'm sure someone would hear about it.

Kristina - posted on 07/09/2011

my son is two yrs old he has my name because his father left me when i was 5mo pregnant. he had asked me to marry him and it was only so the baby would have his last name i am glad i didnt give in to him and make that decision while i was hormonal cuz he just wanted to be married so someone would take care of him. he is now married to a girl he barely knows who cheats on him the way he did with his ex . i guess whhat goes around comes around. he just recently saw his son for the first time in a year he only wants to see him now cuz he is ordered to pay child support. now this is sad my son is going to get brainwashed like the rest of his kids(3boys). who are so bad i could scream and they treat their mom like garbage cuz he tells them its all her fault that they r not together. my son will always know the truth about us and i will never be told that i was rude or mean or disrespectful for giving my son my name since his father chose to leave and didnt bother to come back til after i had him then only wanted to see him every six months after that now that is disrespectful to the child.

Elli - posted on 07/09/2011

It might feel that way to the father if they plan to be around for the child, but the tradition of taking the father's name instead of the mother's was a sexist one to begin with. So honestly, I don't think either the mom's name or the dad's name is necessarily better to give the child. I'm not married to my daughter's father, but we are in a relationship, and I chose to give our daughter his name because when and if we choose to marry in the future I plan to take it. I like his surname, I know he's proud of it and knows where it/his family comes from, and I know very little of my family history and am not attached to my last name. It was also done to show my commitment to us as a family because we were temporarily in a long distance situation when our daughter was born, as well as the last 2/3rds of the pregnancy and 5mo. of her life.

Sabrina - posted on 07/08/2011

I understand what i went through not everyone else went through (im 26 by the way lol) but because of what i went through is why i feel the way i do about how important it is for a child to a) have their biological fathers last name (adopted or not) and b) for them to know who their real biological parients is regardless of situation cause if you dont tell your child your child adopted or not will find out for themself and in most cases its usually best for them to be told the truth rather have it kept from them but thats how i feel about it. I still am enjoying learning all you all have to say about the topic :)

Kayla - posted on 07/08/2011

I gave my son his father's last name and his middle name was after his as well. I shouldn't have done that. We weren't married, and even if we were things would have fallen apart anyway. And now he's hardly around.

I do all the work with my child. He sees him once in a while. He shouldn't get the right to his last name if he's not even going to be a father.

Rebecca - posted on 07/08/2011

If the father isn't n their lives then yes its ok.

Nesha - posted on 07/08/2011

With my oldest daughter, I had her when I was 19 years old. When I told him I was pregnant, he turned his back on me and my child. He popped in and out through the pregnancy and was there for the birthing and I insisted she have my last name. He agreed. She is now almost 9 years old and I can tally up on one hand how many times he has actually seen her. Rude, slap in the face, insulting? Absolutely not. I think if that dad is involved with the child's life from the beginning, the decision should be between the two, if not I would say no problem. If he and I had a different relationship and he was the supporting daddy as he should be, I would have had her take his last name.

Sarah - posted on 07/08/2011

Camille; would that mean that in several generations, our kids would have multiple hyphenations? I'm not trying to be snide, just curious. If you have both parents' last names, which do you give your child as "your" last name?

Camille - posted on 07/08/2011

I honestly think kids should have their mothers' last name as the first last name. Where I live, I have to use both last names so I have first my father's and second my mother's as well as my girls, their first last name is their father's their second is mine. I think we mothers who carry our babies should have the right to give our kids our last names first!!!

Sarah - posted on 07/08/2011

It all depends on the situation. If the father undeniably wants nothing to do with the child, then it could be considered insulting to the child to have to carry around that name. I've known a few young ladies who chose to legally change their names to disassociate themselves from non-involved or abusive fathers.

If you are together and the father doesn't mind, I don't see why using the maternal last name or a hyphenated version wouldn't be appropriate. Technically, if the father wants the baby to have his last name, then it would be insulting not to do it. But the same would go for the mother! I think it's just yet another thing that must be decided by the persons involved in the child's life. Each situation is unique, and there is no standard that can decide what a child's name should be. Personally, I love bringing little Bruces into the world, and it has nothing to do with thinking my husband is above me. I have a friend who, though married, kept her maiden name but gave her children their father's last name. Another friend of mine has a hyphenated last name to honor both her parents. Yet another friend has a name that is neither of her parents' names, but a Godparent's instead! To each their own. :)

Christa - posted on 07/08/2011

When my daughter was born her father and i were together but not married, i wasnt sure he was going to stick around, so we hyphenated it mine and his. I'm glad i did because we are not together now. I can introduce her with my last name.

Andrea - posted on 07/08/2011

Sabrine I can see how you were affected by this and I understand why you think it is an insult. Not knowing your mom I can't comment on her behavior but I still venture to think she thought she was doing the right thing. When you were small she might have thought you wouldn't understand and she didn't want to confuse you. She planned to tell you when she was sure you would understand when you were older. It looks like she didn't pick the right age to tell and she couldn't have predicted that you would react the way you did. I don't think she lied to you but that is how you feel. Have you had this conversation with her without pointing fingers? Her saying she doesn't know why you cried could be that she really didn't expect you to be so upset about someone you didn't know. But like a toddler is trying to figure out her identity, so is a young teen. I probably would have picked 6-8 years when they soak up information without bias and you would have understood and not felt betrayed, because at that age you would not know how. I am sorry this caused you so much pain. I am sure your mom didn't want to hurt you with it and she thought it was time for you to know. It is always a trial and error when we tell our kids they need to know and it is the same with any other topic, like what it means to die, where do we come from, etc. If we pick the right time it shouldn't be so painful. Learning is part of growing up. Many parents stumble as they go and hope they end up with good adult kids. Try to find out from your mom why she waited so long to tell you what she thought you were ready to know.