Is it ok for a husband to look at porn?

Zara - posted on 07/14/2011

wow!! i think you need to get this sorted and ask him to put it all on the table and to start fresh.. porns ok to look at but naked photos off im and his ex NO NO NO!!! flirting messages is just asking for trouble, is the porn any kind off theme to it?? meaning mayb he likes the idea of the "theme" off the porn and hes trying to full his sexual needs that way?? talk about it and hopely he will open up, i wouldnt carry on with him if you think he hhas cheated, and hes not opening up about it, as hard as im sure it would be... good luck x

Cara - posted on 07/14/2011

Looking at porn IS cheating. He is watching another woman do whatever she's doing and imagining how he'd like to be with HER. Just because he did not physically stick his male parts into her female parts does not mean he didn't cheat. and for him to be looking at pics of him with his ex and flirting with other girls and asking them for pics, well that is definitely cheating. If it were me I would be done. If he doesn't respect you enough not to be sneaking around behind your back and "talking" to other woman than what is going to stop him from sleeping with any of them if given the chance?



If he has to hie what he is doing from you...then obviously HE even knows he is in the wrong....

Bri - posted on 07/14/2011

YEAH I WOULDNT trust him i just stop reading the first couple of sentences! you poor thing!

Adriana - posted on 07/14/2011

Some may think its harmless, because their husbands aren't physically with another woman but porn can lead to that and a lot more. It just isn't a good idea but that's up to you and your husband talk with him about it.

Nikki - posted on 07/14/2011

I would say "NO!!" I don't think porn is a good thing at all, especially for a marriage.

Leann - posted on 07/14/2011

same problem here, guys are pigs sometimes. but the way I see it...I stay at home with OUR kids all day. Do the laundry, dishes, cook dinner, blah blah blah EVERYTHING and I barely have time to take a shower sometimes. If he has time to look at naked girls he doesnt even know instead of coming home spending time with me and the kids then he can go somewhere else with that shit. everytime i catch him doing it, I dont let him see me with my clothes off for at least a week..I hate it and think its the most immature nasty thing ever. i mean those girls are someones BABIES! I tell him how would he feel if that was our baby and someone was downloading it for thier pleasure. GROSS!

Jenny - posted on 07/14/2011

i caught my husband out the other week when i went and used his computer his been looking at porn when im not at home he knew how i felt bout it i class looking at porn as cheating its other naked women i told him stright out he had to stop it all it was over

Crystal - posted on 07/14/2011

Ok... I have somewhat the same problem.. I dont care if my husband looks at porn.. it does not bother me at all... I kno hes a man and if thats wat he wants to do im fine with it.. as long as he's not putting it before me... but the first day that my fuss about this accured was when i left and came back i asked him did he get on the internet while i was gone.. he said NO... ok no big deal.. so i get on the computer and go to the history just to see if he was lying cause he was acting funny.. I found out he lied to me to my face.. it as the first time i had caught him in a lie so i was really upset i threw the computer outside and busted it and said while i was doing it "LOOK AT THEM NOW U LIAR" alittle extreme i kno but i have bipolar... then the next time about 3 months latter i left one day and i set him up again... then i said Did u look at n e thing bad.. well he thought he got smart and deleted some of it but I went to youtube history and found what he was looking at... he lied to me again... he was looking at breast exams.... and vigina exams... r u serious.... wat was making me so mad was that he lied to my face like i meant nothing to him... He lied to me and in my book if a man will lie about small things he will lie about big things as long as it keeps him out of trouble... So if I were u, I would go off about the ex, the friend and the lies... but if hes addicted to the porn just tell him not to lie to u about it... if u catch him in a lie again... u kno wat to do... he oviously isnt going to quit...

Cheran - posted on 07/13/2011

How I'd feel...
About the porn in general.. I think it's pretty harmless for a grown man to watch it.. it's inevitable really in my opinion.
But about the messages w/ this "friend" and the pictures w/ the ex.. I'd have a serious issue about.. I actually deleted my Facebook account, DRAMA.com I like to call it.. because I'm tired of seeing things..

Sherry - posted on 07/13/2011

No

Kristy - posted on 07/13/2011

I was in your situation the only difference is my husband did act on him talking to another girl. At first it started with him just looking at porn my problem with this was the fact that he was hiding it from me. I walked in my house and he threw his phone behind the couch, later that night when i checked his phone I found pics and porn sites all over his phone. After we talked about it he said that it was stupid and he didnt get anything out of it he was just bored ( yeah right huh). In the end the porn turned in to him cheating. I think you should just keep an eye out. My husband didnt work and I took care of all the money but there is still online.

Savona - posted on 07/13/2011

a LONG time ago I was fine with porn, then when we got pregnant the first time I got really self-conscious and didnt like that he looked at it anymore and it was a HUGE ordeal.. now though I dont mind that he looks at it, and Im not gonna lie.. I sometimes look it up sometimes too. BUT other then that... I would feel more hurt about the interweb 'cheating' =/ unacceptable.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/13/2011

I think its okay to let your husband look at porn. It doesnt mean he doesnt think your ttractive but just a booster for a great time. I see no shame in letting him look.

Wendy - posted on 07/13/2011

Hi Jessica, the Porn is one discussion and the "flirtatious" messages a whole different ballgame. I know that some people need to look at porn and i have a very clear understanding with my husband that it does not spill over into our family as i also have children in the house and they do not need to stumble on it while they are using the PC. So this rule in out house is an absolue and there is no negotiation on it.

As for the messages. Sweetie he cheated, there are no two ways about it. He is chatting with another woman about things that he should not be chatting to her about. In our new cyber age this is considered to be an emotional affair and can be far more damaging than a physical affair. And while he may not have gone to her home and done anything bodily with her, he was deriving sexual gratification from her. He asked for naked pictures of her, not for any reason other than sexual gratification. that is a very physical act. There is no excuse for his behavior and you need to make it very clear to him that this is not acceptable and it will not be tolerated.

With him bringing pornography into your home you run the risk of your child seeing it, and as a mom i am personally not willing to take that risk. My husband and i have created boundaries as to what are deal breakers for us. These we discussed at length after i discovered the same online chat he had with another woman.

We laid down ground rules and made sure each of us as partners understood where the others lines were drawn. WE also made it very clear what would be considered as a "crossing" of said lines. I think it is very important that you get the porn out of your house.

But Jess these boundaries are things you urgently need to put in place or you are the one who is going to end up hurt.

Tammika - posted on 07/13/2011

My husband and I went through something similar, and while some people may downplay your feelings about what has been going on it is another form of cheating and it does hurt. Knowing that your husband is lusting after other women is not a good feeling and there is no reason why you should have to make excuses for him or just deal with it.
I'm like you, I don't think that my husband has actually cheated on me. He goes to work and home and I also control finances. He is a wonderful guy. On the other hand, I told my husband that I think he should get help. Cheating starts with a thought. Don't take the flirting and the naked pics of ex girlfriends lightly. Your husband may have a problem. I looked into some of the characteristics of sex addicts and found some interesting info. Maybe you should explore that and if the characteristice describe your man, maybe you should convince him to get help. What he is doing is a little much don't you think? Please don't think I am trying to judge...I'm just speaking from experience. I'm sure your husband loves you and his family very much...but when it comes to stuff like this love has nothing to do with it.

Marilyn - posted on 07/13/2011

Looking at anonymous porn, something out of reach, is fine. Men will do it whether we like it or not, if it crosses the line into something personal, like pictures of his ex and talking to people about getting pictures or sexting, that's where I would not only worry, but be deeply hurt and have a talk about it.

Melissa - posted on 07/13/2011

I can definitely understand where you are coming from. There are already trust issues because of what you found, but on top of that finding out about the porn can do nothing but make you feel even more insecure. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't say anything about it but if I was in your situation, I would have a talk about it. By the way guys aren't completely stupid, if he wanted to get rid of all the things you found he would have done so before you had the chance to find it. (Been through it before) It may not be that he's cheating, but he might be reminiscing, which you have to actually discuss with him to find out why. I think that conversation can help you figure out what to do about the porn issue.

Rosa - posted on 07/13/2011

well, he needs to respect u. he cant behave like that, if he needs to watch porno he must watch it without your knoledge. clearly u r unhappy about it n he needs to repect your feelings. he needs to clean all those picturers n videos out of his pc.

Kristine - posted on 07/12/2011

I find it totally inappropriate that he has photos of his ex and him having sex and that he is "flirting" with another woman and asking her for nude photos. I would definetely feel hurt, angry and would find it very difficult to trust him. Another poster commented that he may either bee trying to fill some sexual or emotional void he is feeling or that he may have a sex addiction.........I would talk to him about these things and let him know how I feel. As for the porn, it;s not as much of a threat really, but if YOU aren't okay with it, then defeinetely let him know that and why in a calm manner. If the porn is getting in the way of your own sexual relationship with him, then it is a problem. I woul talk to him and let him know exactly how I feel. GOod luck!

Tiffany - posted on 07/12/2011

What I tell my boyfriend is, why would you be inerested in porn when I am standing right here?! Whats better then the real thing? And I also don't except the whole ex-girlfriend relationship reminders or online girlfriends either. The only things a man should be looking at or interested in is his wife/girlfriend, kids, work and sports! Other women should not be in his agenda. You never know porn could lead to temptations!

Sarah - posted on 07/12/2011

Just to add...some porn can be brought into the bedroom and shared my the couple. It can make sex more exciting or even just turn you on a little extra. Ofcourse if you are against porn completly then that is a seperate issue.

Sarah - posted on 07/12/2011

I would say porn is ok. But it sounds as if he might be slightly addicted...to have folders of his ex etc is a little off and if he is waching,searching and pleasuring himself to porn a lot...he could have a problem. Check this site out, might help.http://uk.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400...
Good luck to you both. P.S As a side note...if he is doing porn during the day or even forgetting to get rid of it of the computer after hes done and you have children in the house, then I would take it up as a saftey issue for your kids. However young!!!

Rebecca - posted on 07/11/2011

If my husband were looking at porn, I would feel really rejected. It's not right. I don't believe that 'porn is just porn'. Sex is ideally something between two people to strengthen intimacy within a special relationship.

Porn cheapens that. He's not a single man, I would consider it cheating.

Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2011

I think that if porn makes you uncomfortable, then no, it's not ok. I know people say that all men do it, but that doesn't mean it's right. When my husband and I started dating he belonged to a lot of porn sites, and adult dating sites as well. I told him that it was not all right with me, and asked that he stop looking at it. I have issues in my past that make it so that porn makes me physically ill, and if he didn't understand that then I didn't need to be with him. It took a few months, and once I almost left him because of it, but as far as I know he has not looked at porn in over 2 years. I do, however, make sure to keep things fun in the bedroom so that he is not tempted to misbehave. That makes it fun for both of us!

Betsy - posted on 06/21/2011

Porn is one thing, however, chatting and exchanging lieud photos is another. Where will this lead? It does raise red flags and he does need to consider your feelings and show some respect. I seriously think you should consider counseling as a couple to work out these issues and find out why he feels the need for this to be in his life. Your child is young now, but how will it be when he is older and your son finds this info on the computer?

Casey - posted on 06/21/2011

Yeah, the old pictures and flirting would get to me - I'd be inclined to walk away. But Having a couple of dirty movies is normal in every guys repertoire, as long as its not all they do!! Hubby watches once in awhile, not a everyday thing, and for men they are visual creatures. But again, the pictures and the flirting with other woman - i'd kill him. :) Good luck!

Elizabeth - posted on 06/21/2011

I agree with Janice i was dealin with the same thing but it seems like things are getting better. I to dont want to leave but you have to open up and not shut down or build up walls that never helps, and the tabs thing is right. Tell him how you feel and then let it go cause if you dont it will tear you up. I know it it hard not to as my man put it "spy" but what happens when you do that is you just see what you want (really it is dont want) to see the bad parts. Trust is important get him to open up.

Janice - posted on 06/20/2011

Looking at porn randomly is okay. A man is a man. However, him flirting with and asking for naked pics from a woman is cheating. I would be so upset. I probably, like you, wouldn't be ready to leave him but there must be something wrong in the marriage that he is seeking out another woman. You two need to talk, preferably with a counselor, and figure out the problem. Otherwise he will keep cheating. Just keeping tabs will just make you feel more jealous and worried as time goes on.

Charlene - posted on 06/17/2011

I feel like the trust is gone because of what you discovered, and the fact that you need to have his passwords makes him seem immature and in need of being babysat by you.. Like, you have to keep him under tabs like a child. And he's shown to be sneaky already, he could just be deleting the things that you could find that are bad before you get the chance to log on to his online things. I would feel generally betrayed.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/16/2011

I think that it is normal. I also have found pics of his ex naked we have come to an agreement that he can look and watch pron as long as i am not in the room, with an emphasis on the bedroom. It is not allowed when i am in bed but if i am not home I understand.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/16/2011

I think that it is normal. I also have found pics of his ex naked we have come to an agreement that he can look and watch pron as long as i am not in the room, with an emphasis on the bedroom. It is not allowed when i am in bed but if i am not home I understand.

Ginny - posted on 06/13/2011

That whole situation would not be ok with me at all!

Abba - posted on 06/12/2011

OMG I will slap him silly & cut his balls off IF that were MY MAN ! Why the hell does he still have pictures of him & his ex having sex ? I would feel totally disgusted, betrayed, belittled, not wanted, unwanted? he'll keep doing it, he won't stop cause he knows you won't do anything about it !

Brook - posted on 06/12/2011

in my point of view, all of it together would (excuse my french) piss me off, however, if it was only the porn I wouldn't worry to much as long as it is professional porn, not home made, my husband and I watch porn sometimes together just for fun. We always watch it together though, and he doesn't hide anything, mostly because he can't lie to me and I have all of his passwords, not because I don't trust him, but because he has mine also and it helps us both feel secure so we don't have to worry about the other cheating. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!

Katie - posted on 06/11/2011

a man looking at women he doesn't know being porn is one thing, if he has pictures of him and another woman that is ANOTHER issue all together. The point is if you feel disrespected by his actions then you need to tell him. I have been in this sitatuation with my ex husband and it bothered me intensely. He had a problem with it, and wouldn't stop looking, I left him though for a host of other issues porn being one. I dont think looking at porn is bad, but if it pulls a man from being able to make love to his partner then that is a problem he needs to get help for.

GISELLE - posted on 06/11/2011

I've never had an issue with my husband when it comes to porn - I have even helped him set up Favorites Folder where he saves links, and a folder where he saves pictures from PORN sites (not from women he'd EVER come in contact with, that's a NO). I'm a lot more computer savvy than he is, so I'm on top of everything he does on the computer. But that's me...personally, I don't find porn threatening. I actually feel it helps spice things up in the bedroom. And if he's satisfied with "satisfying" himself with porn, as opposed to going outside of the marriage to do it, than so be it. I'll take that over him disappearing on me ANY day.

Andrea - posted on 06/11/2011

I don't think it is right at all. I agree with Tasha also. When you commit to someone in marriage it is a commitment of mind, body and spirit and viewing porn is breaking that. Our society tells us that it's okay and it's natural and normal, but really it's not. It's not healthy at all and it's not how we were made to behave. In my opinion it's very disrespectful to both the persons being viewed and to you as his wife. I hope that you are able to work things out to a happy conclusion- good luck!

Missy - posted on 06/11/2011

Bottom line is if he's hiding it from you and knows you don't approve of it, it's wrong. Secrets in a marriage are poisonous. You told him how you feel about it. If he continues to do it or does it again knowing how much it hurts you that's speaks volumes about how he feels about you. Everybody makes mistakes and hopefully that's what this was. I would suggest some form of marriage counseling just to repair the damage and keep it from happening again. It couldn't hurt anyways. Lots of churches provide these services. How about planning a romantic date night once a week or even once a month? Find that friendship you once had. Remember it's important for you to feel happy and comfortable in your marriage and it's his job to make sure you feel that way and vise versa. Prayers and best wishes for your marriage.

Ragan - posted on 06/10/2011

My husband watches porn and I don;t have a problem with it, I know who he is going to bed with at night. We at one point had some problems similer to what your going through but I don't think his watching porn occasionally caused it. Maybe you should try watching it with him sometime, you might enjoy it, depending on what kind it is lol.

Cyndel - posted on 06/10/2011

I'm one of 'those women' who believe porn is cheating. I wouldn't leave over it, but I would be angry, humiliated, and definitely demand he quit, even if it means he gets help to quit. Porn is degrading to women...it objectifies them, making us no more the sex objects, with no mind or emotions, just a physical, living, breathing toy. Can you tell I despise porn?

Casey - posted on 06/10/2011

Hunny there are so many thoughts that would be running through my head, First of all you two have a child and he needs to wake up, I personally do not aprove of porn period and I would not want my husband looking at naked pictures of anyone else I find it very degrading, and if he has already done all that you have listed it sounds like the next thing is him cheating on you for real, you need to tell him this has got to stop that it is destroying your marriage and I would be threatning to leave and if it didnt stop I would be finding another place for me and my child to live

Shannon - posted on 06/10/2011

The porn would not really bother me unless he was getting off to it and not with me. Strip clubs don't bother me either but the pic of the ex and the flirting is a different story. the flirting on the computer is kinda cheating. I'd almost rather him flirt in person. because in person its kinda natural and he may not even notice he's doing it but on the internet its like he searched it out and is doing it intentionally. That would scare me!! not to offend you but to me its as if he is mentally cheating on u already. sorry hun. i hope you guys can work through this!

Sarah - posted on 06/10/2011

Porn can be a great way to get a relationship revved up and add something new to the mix. There are those that have posted here that think imagining being with someone else is cheating. They are fully entitled to their opinion, but their opinion might not work for you! I don't believe thinking something in your head makes it true or means that you are going to go out and be with someone else, becuase you temporarily put someone else's head on your husband's body. My aunt lovingly-almost disgustingly gooey-married almost 30 years to the same man told me right before I got married that the key to staying in love with your spouse is to have wild crazy sex with people in your imagination, but never stray from your vows in actuality.
If you are against porn say so to your hubby. I don't think prohibiting him from looking would be wise becuase we always want what we can't have, but let him know that computer porn is not cool (you can download viruses online which might have been the issue with your computer) and maybe suggest or surprise him with some tasteful skin mags instead and a lock box to keep them in. That way he can put them up where you don't have to see them and the kids can't find them accidently.
As far as the sexting nip that in the bud immediately!! having someone's phone number and sending recieving explicit messages it too close for comfort. And as for the old ex pics on the computer... I am not sure I could figure out how to wipe pics off of my hard drive, so if you believe he didn't know they were there don't be too hard on him for not deleting them completely. If you trust him and he has given you no real reason to stop trusting him give him the benefit of the doubt and work together to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

Somer - posted on 06/10/2011

Just looking at porn is one thing. Men have a desire to look at women. It's just something they do. Yes. All of them (even, I've been told, the gay ones, haha!) Having indiscretions is another thing altogether. Be it online, on the phone, or in person, having any type of relationship that is sexual in nature with any woman other than the one he is committed to is cheating, plain and simple. And if he does it once, he will almost certainly do it again. I hope you can work this out. I would absolutely bring it up to him, but in as non-confrontational of a manner as possible. Best of luck to you.

Jordan - posted on 06/10/2011

If he's just looking then i see nothing wrong with it its only a problem if things go further like him initiating a meeting with one of the ppl whose pics he's looking at.

Ghada - posted on 06/10/2011

no. that is not a natural thing, and when you tell him to watch whatevet he wants as long as you don't see then it is no different than being blind and being cheated on, for me i won't accept any of this but you both should work on it to get over it because this is the nature of evil, watch Fireproof movie, it is the exact story. God Bless you.

Rene' - posted on 06/09/2011

What is the point of looking at porn? To become aroused. That was meant for his wife, not a stranger. He is taking something that was meant to b a gift and tainting it and your marriage. Even if u don't believe as I do, as Teresa said, if it bothers u and he knows that then his contiuing to do it is wrong. I suggest that you speak with him again and really let him know how you feel about it and ask him to stop. If you dont make yourself perfectly clear, then he can still excuse it away. If you do, it takes away all of his excuses and he has to decide whether or not he loves yu enough to deny himself for you. My husband hates porn. He thinks it is disgusting and that it degrades women and relationships. All men dont do it. My other suggestion is quite bold. Make sure he is satisfied. Men do have a hunger. It is one of our jobs as their wives to care for their needs. As long as what he is asking is not disrespectful or degrading in any way, the marriage bed is undefiled. It is a beautiful gift and a source of strength to a marriage relationship. I will b praying for you both and your marriage.

Rachael - posted on 06/09/2011

i don't think there is anything wrong with your husband ocassionally looking at porn as long as it isn't affecting your sex life. what concerns me is the "flirtatious" emails with an "old" friends, the naked pics of his ex (unless you are alot more tech savy then him, chances are he just hid them quickly and hoped you didn't find them) and his general lack of regard for how his actions would/are affecting you. i doubt that if the situation was reversed that he wold be taking it as nicely as you are. he needs counselling, you both need marriage counselling.

Maria - posted on 06/09/2011

Most guys look at porn. So do most women (if you don't your lying!!) It sounds like your husband has either cheated on you or is still cheating on you. ANd if he told you he thought the pictures of him having sex with his ex were deleted he's lying. And you would be a fool to believe him. Sorry. But I've heard and seen it all through experience and from dealing with this kinda stuff with my friends. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If he thinks its ok to cheat once, whats going to stop him the next time? Absolutely nothing. I guarentee he has a seperate account or money flow from something else you don't know about. Good luck. And if you find out I am right, leave his a**. You deserve somenone better.

Brandi - posted on 06/09/2011

everything is totally unacceptable here and i wouldn't be with such a sad case.... oh my goodness.. hes not just upsetting you but cheating in a way without direct contact, and cheating his son too .. NOT FAIR.. not happening!
i hope you figure things out.. that's just wrong!!