Issues with My Husband's Parenting

Holly - posted on 02/22/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I feel really frustrated with my husband. It seems that every time he has to deal with the kids he ends up getting into power struggles/arguments with them. One of the specific things that I hear him doing is telling the kids, "If you don't . . . then you won't . . ." instead of the more positive "After you . . . then you can . . ." They react negatively to this and are much more likely to refuse to do whatever he's telling them to do than if he would say it the 2nd way. I think that it is also his tone of voice, he tends to use a more negative-disaproving tone of voice than a positive one.



I would love to know if anyone has dealt with these issues with a partner who didn't seem very interested in learning better parenting skills. What have you found that worked?

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Michelle - posted on 02/22/2009

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It goes to show that people do learn from their past and I'm glad you are able to see that...I hope you don't take it as me telling you that something is wrong with your way of parenting. I know my husband and I both have flaws; that's how we get the answer we are looking for. How did our parents do it... you are doing a good job. Keep up the good work

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Robin - posted on 04/07/2011

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i have the same problem with my daughter and my husband we haven't tried this yet but i will try to get him to try and see if it works....

Christina - posted on 04/02/2011

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I deal with this on a daily basis and I have no idea how to correct it at all. I have asked, begged and demanded it change and I was called "Miss Perfect" by his whole family so...I give!!! The kids will realize eventually he is who he is and maybe he'll catch on sooner or later.

Holly - posted on 02/22/2009

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Thanks Miri,



It is nice to know it's not just me. I wish my husband responded well to blunt statements. He is the king of defensiveness! I've talked to him about it so many times but he still seems to feel that it's the kids fault. It's odd also because he's been fine with both our kids until they turn 3 or so and get more verbal & opinionated. He seems to want them to do exactly what he says just because he says it. I find it frustrating that he doesn't seem to be able to put himself in their place and realize that he wouldn't want to be treated like that.



Hmmm, maybe I should reccord him on the sly & then play it back for him. What do you think? Maybe then he would realize how he sounds.



Thanks for your sympathy. I hope things are going better with your husband.



Holly

Holly - posted on 02/22/2009

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Quoting Michelle:

Well, I can't say that I have delt with this but I'm willing to wager that perhaps if you look at how he was raised you will find strong simularities.


The ironic thing is that my parent were quite abusive while his were normal, good parents. I think that the difference is that I'm very thoughtful about my parenting choices because I can't just act like my parents. You are right that he does act like his parents to a certain extent. Actually one time I got exasperated with him about his yelling at everyone when it's time to leave and said (not seriously) "what did your parents yell every time you had to leave?" He, of course, said yes. I hadn't really believed it because he always represents them as the best parents ever but I think that's because he thinks that yelling at your kids is totally normal.



 



I really do appreciate your advice.



 



Thanks, Holly

Miri - posted on 02/22/2009

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Hi Holly,



I know exactly what you are going through, it has been a struggle of mine as well ever since our first born was brought into this world. No matter what I did or said just didn't seem to help him realize what emotional affect he was having on his child.



We have almost 1 year old twins now and with them being premmies we have a harder time with their feedings. It wasn't until one day that I told him flat out that because of his impatience with them and their eating, that now they are scared to eat for me now. Sometimes with some men it just takes one flat out blunt statement of what he is doing to the children.



Sorry if this isn't much of a reassurance but just wanted to let you know your not alone out there.

Michelle - posted on 02/22/2009

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Well, I can't say that I have delt with this but I'm willing to wager that perhaps if you look at how he was raised you will find strong simularities. I know this to be true only because my husband pointed something out in me that he later saw in my parents. Purhaps if you ask him about why he thinks he does this it may open his eye's. It may not work right away, it may not work at all. I wouldn't go into it saying that you know the problem maybe more in the lines of: (pet name:)) I understand that we have different ways to parent but is there a reason why you come across negitive towards the children? Could you have picked this up yourself growing up? I just don't want the children to get to the point where they don't want to spend time with you because I know they love you. Please don't take this in the wrong way; it's just something I have come to notice and I was just wondering.

Suppose talking is always worth a try. I hope this has helped you some what.

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