Judgement

Valerie - posted on 11/14/2008 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Does anyone in this age group ever feel like you are being judged, or people don't think you can do as good of job because you are younger? I feel like people tell me how to do things alot more (especially my mother in law) and it gets really annoying. I don't know how to handle it sometimes

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Julie - posted on 05/28/2009

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*I said "if she starts cutting in on you when you are trying to help your daughter* it looks like you have a son. just replace that there lol. oops.

Julie - posted on 05/28/2009

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Yes I feel like I am being judged all the time and not just because I'm young but because our society as a whole just wants to judge others and have something to complain about. I hardly let it get to me though bc I know that I am doing the best I can for my daughter and that she is smart and sweet. Of course being a 3 year old she's going to have tantrums, she's going to cry, she's not always going to be polite, but hey I'm learning here too.

Fortunately for me, my (future)MIL never gets into our business when it comes to raising out daughter (but she also lives many states away...) I mean honestly, what can you do but listen, nod, and say as sugary sweetly as possible "Thank you, I will take that into consideration" and hopefully she'll drop it. Don't let her push you around though. If she starts like cutting in on you when you are trying to help your daughter, I would again, NICELY (since that saying is, kill them with kindness) reply "I can handel it, Thank You". Just let her know that you need to learn on your own and that if you need help you will be sure to ask. Mostly all you can do is just let them go about what they want to say and then you can either take it, or disregard it. But don't forget every once in awhile, there will be something worth listening to.

Jamie - posted on 05/27/2009

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Seriously how many times are people going to post this same topic? I think people just like to cause drama and ask this question over and over. I think it needs to be locked before it gets out of hand with like 100 posts. Please just search through the topics to get your response to this one. All this topic does is create arguments.

Tanya - posted on 05/27/2009

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You know something everyone in the world knows better than you oh how to take care of your children, some people maybe judging us and some may just want to help but somethimes it goes a little far... I understand exactly how you feel I have 3 children and people will still come up to me and know more about taking care of my 9 month old than I do... LOL like i've never done it before!!! I don't let it get to me though I know I'm a good mom and I'm doing the best I can, I am like all other moms who are going to make mistakes and learn as I go. Everyday is different and i take everyday as it comes and at night I sit and think about everything I could have (or should have) done different - Also when your child is good and you are looking like the perfect mom nobody is watching but that one second you turn your head and your child pulls something off a shelf and it hits them in the head EVERYONE see's it - you know it's true...UGH!!!....I am just a mom and if I can say we are all doing a damn good job... Yeah for moms!!! Let everyone think what they want :P

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i get kind of that response from my bf. he has a 2 year old & he says i'm too strict & kinda implies that i'm too young to be so stiff. i just think of myself as more traditional I guess.

Erin - posted on 05/27/2009

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I agree that it may feel like it's an age thing, but if it wasn't your age there would be another reason for all the "help." I write about it www.centristmama.blogspot.com and move on. I like the "Thanks for the advice." Also, I think mothers in law cannot help themselves. :)

Jessica - posted on 11/15/2008

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Hi, i'm Jessica, I have a six year old and I'm 25 which means I was prego at 18, a mommy at 19. A lot of people offered a lot of "help" (as they saw it) when my son was born. And I too felt like I was judged because I was so young. The best advice, just like everyone else has said, is just to take other's opinions with a grain of salt. If you just listen you come across as being polite, you don't always have to follow what they say. It's also funny that you said your mother in law was the worse...I think that is just a mother in law type thing. My soon to be MIL tells me how to do EVERYTHING, whether it's taking care of my son, cooking, or even cleaning my house. I think that just comes with their title lol. Try not to feel so down or upset about it, unfortunately we live in a very judgemental society,and I don't think that that will ever change. If it makes you feel any better, here's a perfect example...I took my son to the local county fair this past summer, and on more than one occasion the guys trying to get us to waste money on the games kept telling my son to ask his "big sister" for money to play. When I corrected them, saying I was his mother, you wouldn't believe some of the looks I got, and I'm now 25 almost 26 years old. LOL, ultimately you are the MOMMY, your decisions are what counts, everyone else's are just polite judgements and suggestions , or maybe even ways of trying to "fix" the mistakes they once made with their own children.

Jane - posted on 11/15/2008

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hi Valerie :-) I am 29 years old . I have an 8 year old daughter and a son on the way. I am also a professional full time nanny of three children .I was a 21 year old first time mom to start out and i had the "joy" of plenty of looks and people talking down to me with their opinions and advice lol I assumed as i got older this would change but it still happens. but you know what? I see people giving looks and opinions to women in their 40's and 50's about THEIR "children" :-) Let me tell you that no matter how old you are there will always be people older or who think they have the answers and for some reason feel they need to add cutting comments, pushy advice and opinions and just plain rudeness :-) They best thing to do is just smile and try to ignore it. Some people cannot help themselves and do not realize how rude they are being. Also you know what a great mom you are, you are the one who is living your life and caring for your child/children.Noone else knows your life or background or any of your actual mothering expereince :-) You are the best judge of whats best for you and yours :-) Noone has all the answers to parenting. People have certain methods that work but these dont work for everyone. As your children grow, you grow and your rules change and your techniques alter to accomodate your life and the child's need.Every day is a new day with its new set of problems and accomplishments :-) Everyone's child is different and moving at a different pace so to have someone telling you that you are doing something wrong or to give you looks or make you feel not good enough just because you are young is really very ridiculous. Right now i am getting tons of looks as i do my school pick ups for my job as a nanny :-) I am 30 weeks pregnant with my second child, i have a 2 year old work charge who goes with me as i pick up her 6 year old brother and her 10 year old brother and my own 8 year old daughter from their schools each day. And i just smile :-) As a side note :history had our relatives starting their lives as mothers and wives as young as 16 and over all these years our generation somehow made it into the world to be able to experience the joys of motherhood;-) And we are doing a great job ;-)

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I very often feel the same way. People often ask how old I was when I had my first child with a tone of superiority.(I was 25) I have found that people are like dogs; they smell fear and insecurity. The more confidence you exude the less people will comment. As for unsolicited advice: Say,"Thank you for your advice. I will take that into consideration." Then do what you and your spouse think is best.

Bianca - posted on 11/14/2008

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The best thing you can do is know that in your heart, there is nothing more important to you than loving and caring for your child. Others need to recognize that before judging you based on your age. Along with what Rachel said, talk to your pediatrician for tips and anyone else that you trust. Parenting is not easy no matter how old you are so try not to ever be too hard on yourself and surround yourself with positive people!

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And if you ever doubt yourself - talk to your pediatrician. You'd be surprised how many "old wives tales" are alive and well these days!

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I think every mother experiences this, whether they're young or not. Mothers, in-laws, neighbors, etc all seem to have their advice to give. I think it's really just a way to try to be involved and, yes, to maybe show off their knowledge a bit. I also felt judged by other older, more experienced moms (especially my mom and mother-in-law). But really, you know if you're doing what you should as a mother. And every mother is different just as every child is different. Embrace that and know that you are in your own groove with your baby. Hear out advice with a smile, it's most likely meant to help. But whether you choose to follow it or not is totally up to you.

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