Leave him or continue with the relationship...

Melanie - posted on 08/22/2010 ( 44 moms have responded )

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My fiance and I have fought almost nonstop since the birth of our daughter. I told him I think we need to go to a counselor together to work on our relationship. He doesn't help as much as I would like him to with our daughter, and when I ask him to take her for a little while so I can take a shower, he brings her into the bathroom and says I need to feed her because she's hungry, even when I fed her right before my shower! He's changed maybe 5 diapers, and she's over 2 months old. I get really frustrated with the way things get, and I tell him that if things don't straighten out soon, I will take her and leave. I don't know if maybe we should go to individual therapy as well as a family/relationship specialist. It just sucks when I have him here, but he doesn't spend any time with me when she's asleep. We only have time to talk and just hang out when she's asleep, but he always wants to play video games or play games on the computer. We have been watching more movies together, which is a start, but I just want someone to have an adult conversation with! Our sex life is virtually nonexistent. Prebaby it was all the time, but now it's a rare occurrence, mostly because of me. When he is in the mood, it's late and I just want to go to sleep. I've been spit-up on, peed on, and felt like a human milk machine. I just want some time for me to just relax, sometimes. However, when I am in the mood, he doesn't come to bed til 4-5 am. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. He looked me in the eye last night and asked me if the baby is his! It hurt so much, because I thought we had gotten over that. His family got it into his head while I was pregnant that she wasn't so now he has it stuck in his head... what if? I know she is, though. When she was born, everyone in his family said, "Oh, she looks just like Lee!" Almost as if it was some big surprise! And when we moved away to focus on us and our family, everyone put it back in his head that she's not his. All because I thought we needed to focus on our relationship, instead of having everyone telling us how to deal with our problems without knowing anything about them. I don't know what I'm really looking for here. I guess I need to vent, but I also need some minor advice. I know it is one-sided, because you don't know him or his side of things, but I just need to know what would you do in this situation with the information given? I'm at my wits end!

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having a baby adds stress onto any relationship. Also, many times parents may have unspoken expectations that differ about parenting, how to spend free time, sex post-baby, etc.
Your instinct to seek couples counseling sounds very good. if your fiance is willing, this could help you both articulate each of your expectations, needs, and wants in the relationship and in regards to parenting as well as gain helpful tools for both!
-Not being in the mood is normal for moms, and it will get better as time passes.
-you mentioned he only changed 5 diapers. some dads never change diapers! this may be just one area where roles and expectations need to be
clarified and worked through (again, couples counseling will help with this)
-individual therapy can be helpful, too. sometimes it is a nice place to start to sort out your feelings and thoughts and equips you to be a better partner/parent/etc. may work well conjoint with some form of couples therapy (though I recommend having different therapists/counselors so not to indicate any sort of favoritism to your fiance).
-potential future in-laws: oy vey. there are some issues that need to be addressed here, and couples counseling would also be a good place for this.

Jamie - posted on 08/22/2010

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have you tried to just sit down and talk to him about all of this? Make a list of everything that's bothering you so you don't forget something big when you guys do actually talk. And if he's so worried about it, why didn't he get a paternity test done when your child was born? Apparently you could have one for free at birth. Atleast that's what my mother told me when I was mad about one of my boyfriend's friends for saying that he was stupid to not get one done because his son wasn't his. My boyfriend knows it is, so I'm not worried about it, but my mother made a good point. You have that paper to wave in somebody's face when they say that you cheated. *shrugs*

Tonya - posted on 08/23/2010

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Wow for a min. there I thought you were talking about my husband and I when we first got married. To be honest you are right this is one sided and your soon to be husband has his own take on things, along with his own feelings which just like you, you are allowed to have. Right wrong or whatever.... My advice would be the same for you as it was for my husband and I... it took us a while to learn how to comunicate to one another, and it took us both time to learn we needed to grow up. When we got married I was 23 and soon to be a mom of his three girls. I was stressed to the max and would get so mad at him for not doing as much as I thought he should... We went to a class called 2=1, was the best thing for us. I walks you through the roll of a husband and wife, what it means to really be those things, and what it means to comunicate. It helps you understand that feelings are real no matter how true or unture they might be and it teaches you how to handle them. I wont lie to you and tell you that when you leave it everthing is all better, because it takes time to put what you learned into action. But it is worth it by far. My husband and I have a wonderful life together. We still have our ups and downs, but we have learned to talk then out, not scream and yell. And for the love of God, please do not fight around that baby, that is the worst thing you two can do.. Good luck and God Bless!

Kerrie - posted on 03/06/2013

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hi melanie, i had exactly the same with my partner when my daughter was born 3 yrs ago. never did a night feed, changed nappies when i asked but acted like the world was ending, never spent time with her etc. as for us we have only just started getting back on track. he is now fab with our daughter and i cant fault him for that although a little help about the house would be appreciated.
we went through quite a few moments of me asking him to leave as i thought it would be easier without him adding to my work load. however looking back i am really glad we worked at it. really difficult though!

Amanda - posted on 09/08/2010

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i would try a counsoler... because you dont want to keep hurting... that only hurts the child.

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Holly Lynn - posted on 03/05/2013

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i have the same prob with the less help and no spending time thing sometimes its just best to let go of a relashionship that is barle one cuz it can get worse over time if nothing has changed im goin through the same thing were thers nothing left to hold onto so maybe u can try telling him how u feeel if not then maybe u should let go and see how u guys will do apart from eachother

Tiffany - posted on 11/15/2012

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I have literally been in the same boat. and I have his evil mother up against me and she has been that way since day one of meeting her.... we have another baby on the way, I have been in a nightmare and I have had days to where I dont want this baby and wish that I was not pregnant so I could leave right now.. I know how you feel.... I will say this DO NOT MARRY HIM!! take my advice I did not not marry my man and so that way it is a easier out if I have to after my son is born.. Our daughter is going to be 3 in december and his mom has treated her like a outcast cause she feels she isnt his.... Well she looks just like me and my fam ..... she is his and I told her that in her face and now I am not allowed over there to her house or involved in any family doings because I told her about her self.. and he is somewhat a momma's boy so I play all my cards very carefully... You should to!!!!!!!!! dont marry him.

Katy - posted on 10/02/2012

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Hi melanie, sorry to hear about your situation..I can say i'm kinda in the same situation..and would also like some advice cause the things im feeling are getting me confused and just don't know what to do..

i have 3 children 2 from previous relationship and 1 from now...2 years ago i had met a guy online we fell madly in love, where we'd talk and text all the time..he came all this way from caribbean to calgary just to be with me back in 2011. In middle of may 2011 i had found out I was exspecting but before we had planned on getting married. july 2011 we had gotten married, during my pregnancy we been real close, we'd go out, talk spend alot of time together and were unseperable. Since my son was born the end of jan 2012 Ive noticed so much has changed between us and our marriage. He helps quite a bit with all 3 kids and everything but since march 2012 everything has completly changed. anytime i ask him for help with the baby he makes excuses he wont feed him or bath him either change his diapers unless we have an argument. Ive even noticed he doent notice me much anymore like he used to..he's more on the computer chatting or playing games then spending time with me. He doesnt even make comments about me like" u look nice baby" or anything like he used to. Our sexual relationship hasnt been as good as it used to..we do have sex everyday but anytime i wanna try something new he never wants too it's always bout him. And the last few months ive found many porn on the computer and mp3 player. when i menssioned it to him he makes excuses and says he downloaded them for us to watch yet we have never watched porn since summer 2011 and the stuff he downloads is stuff only he likes nothing for both of us. As well i caught him masterbating in our bathroom to porn many times atleast 1-2 a week. when i talk to him bout it he gets all mad and denies it all..I even found an email from another gurl they were making plan but he claims they want to double date but yet he never told me nothing i found out 4 weeks later by goin on my computer history. He says he loves me and i satisfy him but why would he hide the porn stuff from me if he really is satified with being with me? would really like sum advice about my situation and if its normal for married men to do this...especially when im in the home.

Amber - posted on 09/08/2010

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I didn't read all the other responses, but I have to say I felt similar after the birth of my son. I really didn't think we were going to make it. I felt so alone in our relationship and as a parent. While on maternity leave it was winter and I felt stuck home and he works long hours and at that time 6 days a week. He wasn't around and when he was he didn't do anything without me telling him. I found out that I needed to tell him how and when to do everything. He definately wasn't confident in his parenting skills and felt like it all just comes naturally to me so he would just let me do everything. Everything he did annoyed me. I ended up talking to him and helping him become a better father I also had to do some things for him as well. Even though you may not be in the mood ever just make an attempt and try to let him know you are interested in him. If you do for him and make him feel like you want him then he may do the same. It is going to take both of you to do a lot of work couples counseling would be great.

Joanita - posted on 09/08/2010

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Can't say much about him not helping but my husband actually told me he doesn't think our son is his. It was very painful but i know i've been true and if he doesn't want to believe it he will lose out on his son's life, not me!

Christa - posted on 09/07/2010

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that sounds like my situation after my first daughter was born. i cheated on him (we weren't married at the time) and 3 months later i found out i was pregnant. i actually had to go by the days who i was with and when (i was with 2 other guys). i told him after she was born and that added a ton of stress for us. through marriage counseling we have worked past that and it isn't an issue anymore. as to the not helping with the baby, for some reason men think that it is the woman's job to do everything. it took until my daughter was 6 months old and we were almost to the point of divorce before we discussed child rearing views. he was raised very traditionally where the woman does everything and the man does not. i was raised both parents helping. so we finally came to a compromise t the end of our conversation and were able to make it work. he also doesn't deal well with small babies, now she is older and more "fun" they are inseperable. you may just need to give that part some time if it is like my situation. we have an 8 month old and he even told me he wishes she was more "fun" instead of needy. he still loves her, but men will be men and prefer the fun things in life. try talking to him about his parenting views, if necessary paternity test (we had to get one), and talk about how it makes you feel. don't yell or say you don't do this or you don't do that, try when you __________ you make me feel _______. i did that with my husband. it took time but it worked. I hope everything works out for you.

Nicole - posted on 09/05/2010

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here is the link you pay 30 at the counter and 119 for the lab work to be done its called identigene



http://www.dnatesting.com/



my So also lookedinto this because we had only been together a short amount of time. but because of lack of funds he went on my word and my willingness to have the test done that we didnt do it. but since her birth there is no way he can deny that baby it looks too much like him >< she looks noting like me *cries*



becasue of the genetic disorder ( albinism) my daughter has, my SO asked her genetics doctor about dna testing this is the one of 2 he told us about . that was another concern of his. he didnt know albinism can pop up even with no family history.

Nicole - posted on 09/05/2010

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maybe i can shed some light on this. my SO and i found out we were pregnant after 2maybe 3 months of dating. and i tried to leave him and he wouldn't let me!
i felt so bad like i ruined his life.

talk about stress on an already great relationship! we have our lows now but whats is important is that we love another and we wanted to make things work.

total number of diapers he has changed...1 and she is 6 months old. he decided one morning that he would change her diaper so he wouldn't have to wake me up so i could sleep.....it took him about 10 min according to him to change her . and he said never again. cause he thinks its awkward because she is a girls. and two he cant do it as well as i can. he still asks how i can change a diaper in about 2 minutes flat or less depending on the amount of clothing she is wearing.
he will feed her from time to time but i have to nag him to do it at times and then others he will just randomly get up make the bottle and do it himself cause if not i might make a fuss over why he couldn't do it ....
the last time he yelled at me to get out of the shower because the baby was crying i just about bit his head off. and was like is she dry? so he nods yes and im like is she rubbing her eyes. he goes no ok then she is hungry feed her....he goes buts she is screaming....i tell him this

i deal wiht a crying tired hungry baby all day long 5 days a week every day while you are at work . you get weekends off, mommy's do not get weekends off the least you can do it let me shower in peace where i do not have to worry about the baby. your her daddy so step up. he was like but you dont have to treat me like i am here alone wiht her...im there alone wiht her every day and i shoved that in his face and if he would like to trade places and stay home to see what its like i think he would rather be working in his tiny little shipping dept doing slave labor then watch a baby.

he does not handle screaming babies well. our daughter some how got a string( i think it was from her sock) warped around her toe so tight i could not get it off wiht out his help and just touching her toe she let out blood curdling screams...after about 5 min he was yelling at me and losing his mind.

i really do think it is a guy thing. they do not do well with small babies. he loves his daughter and he loves to make her laugh and she is mostly a very content happy baby. but she has her moments and when those arise he does not know how to handle it.

he himself was a baby that technically shouldn't have been born. as his biological mother had uterine problems but some how she had him and he was born at 6 months during the 80s that was rare for a baby to survive at 6 months. so he never had any baby siblings. his grand parents who adopted him their children were already grown and leaving the home when he was born . so he has had zero baby experience.

simple things i have him do like grab me her shirts or pick out her hoodie she will wear or her pants. he cant dress her either ...i have watched him try and i cant help but to giggle at it. it looks painful for the both of them when he tries.

we fed and still do feed our daughter every four hours unless she shows no signs of hunger. tell him every four housrs she eats if it is about that time FEED then BABY! that is the least he can do if you are not breast feeding or have expressed milk when you need a break. we have set times where at first the beby didnt sleep but at 9 am and 1pm i put her in the crip. she eventually learned those were nap times and now quickly falls asleep . during those times get what you need done. that was the best advice i took from my aunt and i will be great ful for that. i get everything i need to done during her 2 hour am nap and her 3 hour pm nap. it will give you a break during the day for you time or time for chores. you then wont be so stressed when he gets home and your baby will more likely be more content as well.

if you are sooo worried about the baby being his....there is a genetics test you can get done over the couter at your local pharmacy. you ask for it swapb his mouth then the babies and then mail it off get results in so many business days. the only difference between this 100 dollar test and the 500 dolalr test is the pharmacy one will not hold up in court for child support or custody battles because it needs to be more then just a basic test even though the results would be the same.

i suggest open communcation in a no attacking manner. when the conversation starts getting heated and going towards an argument agree to stop there and continue later when you can come back cooled off and start over. its not easy.

on the reverse side i am the one that stays up late and doesnt go to bed on the occasional night ...it hurts his feelings but there are times where i litterly can not sleep like i have spouts of insomnia or im a little peeved from the day. so its the me time i want when i cant get it becaucse i was too busy doing house things during the day. it takes work dear getting into a relationship takes no effort but to make it work takes the world.

Melissa - posted on 09/05/2010

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i know how u feel and its not good for u or your daughter to be like that if u r truely not happy u need to leave find yourself a man who truely cares for u and want s to spend as much time with u and your daughter as he can. As a mother we take no time for ourselves and focus on our little ones at all times sometimes we just need to know thaat we r appreciated and wanted for us not for what we can do for other s. U deserve to be happy and when your not your daughter feel s that and its not good for her. Trust me i know i left the father of my baby about 3 months ago as he was physically and mentally abbusive and i wanted to feel safe and for my son to be safe, it can be done alone if u need to and there r plenty of nice men out there willing to take on the responsibility of a little one, u just need to do whats best for u and your daughter no matter how much it hurts.

Jamie - posted on 08/27/2010

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In your situation, you need to think of you and figure out what you want in your man. You can't change someone else but maybe change is not what he needs. We think men dont have a clue but they usually do but hide their feelings but drinking, video gaming or what have you. You need to have a sit down and go over with him what you are feeling without accusing him, Just hey when you do this it makes me feel like this...Never say you always or you never, and always be the bigger person and say exactly what you mean to say, you can never take words or actions back. Don do name calling with his mother. People block certain things out. If you want to get to the bottom of everything do it in a respectful way but don't bull s%$t. Maybe he doesnt help because for some reason he really has an issue of weather it it his and he is being immature on expressing it. If he loves you, knows what you did in the past and forgave you, wants to spend the rest of his life with you then he needs to except this baby as his no matter what. Even if its not his DNA in there. He made the commitment to you that he wanted to be with you. You NEVER stay in a miserable relationship just because of a child. You aren't married the only thing tieing you is love or the child. If its love then he may adventually come around and start picking up his end of the bargain. If its the child keeping you together then it won't last long anyway. Children know from an early age when there parents are unhappy, and if there is tention in the house every day when both of you are together how fair is that on a child?
Couples therepy would be great. Me and my husband would like to do it every 6 months even if there aren't any huge issues. We have only been married 3 months but have been together for over 3 years and friends before that. We have issues, sometimes they are small but the way we comunicate they get huge and ugly. I finally set the rules for arguments and laid down what will not happen. I will not let him turn things around on me when he is doing something wrong. I will not tell him in a mean way what is going on either. There is always a way to present things that will not be taken the wrong way.
His family does need to stay out of your relationship. Sit his mother down and go over everything. Also I would just say in a nice way that you guys had to move out because a hotel room is not ment for a baby long term with all you guys there. You wanted a bigger, somewhere with a yard, her own room, space... something that won't be just blamming it on her cancer, making her feel bad. And let her know what she is doing to your relationship and what havoc it is causeing. If she knows that she is not just hurting you but hurting her son and gran baby as well maybe she will lay off. Or say you will not be able to see her untill she changes her attitude, because you don't want your child thinking it is ok to treat anyone like that.
Hopefully he is willing to do counceling and also open up to why he is doing or not doing those things. There is generally a reason.

Camille - posted on 08/27/2010

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I've been through this just last year with my son's father. New moms r always tired in the beginning. Having a baby changes alot of things in the relationship. You need to speak to him. Let him know how you r feeling. Speaking up is the only way things can get reslove between the two of u. U need to put ur foot down when it comes to ur "me" time. Its time 4 him to become a dad and watching the baby when u take ur shower is the first step. It takes time to adjust. My son is almost two and my boyfriend and I r just coming out of our adjustment period and doing more things 2gether. Talk to him. Communication is the key to a relatoinship any relationship. The issue with him feeling and thinking hes not the father of ur baby, have a paternity test done. Then when the results come back try to put ur relationship back in place. And sweetheart if that doesnt work, if he doesnt listen, is not understanding about what ur feeling and u see no improvement after the test results u need to do whats going to be best for ur baby cuz she is all that matters at the end of the day

Jenna - posted on 08/27/2010

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A lot of men are like that. Especially the first baby. The first year is hardest. It isn't until the baby starts hitting major milestones that a lot of men start to become involved. Both of my kids are with different men, and I had to go through the first-time-dad thing twice. Both time, the men were not as involved until they started talking and playing. My youngest is 16 months now, and my fiancee is just now starting to become more involved and is not complaining about spending time with our son. I know it is hard the first year, and the feelings and concerns that you have about him are valid. I would suggest going to counseling. Your relationship will continue to suffer, and it is not a good environment to raise children in where there is fighting going on. If speaking with him about it doesn't change anything, it may not change. Are your fights solely about the baby and the question of paternity? Sometimes it's easier to just deal with the baby duties, and know that eventually it won't be like that anymore. Counseling will also remind him that not only is your relationship worth working out, but will inform him of the bonding relationship that he is missing out on with his daughter. Good luck to you. It is very tough on a relationship being first time parents.

Ada - posted on 08/26/2010

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Sounds to me like you are going through what most new moms go through. I think 99% of men are just like that. My husband changed maybe 5 diapers in a year! It is very stressful but I think if you go to counseling that might help you a lot. If he doesnt want to go then you go for your sanity, Thats what I did and here I am with 2 kids at 19months apart. My husband didnt help with the 2nd either but you get used to it. Hang in there and keep doing your best. You will make it- we all do. :)

Jessica - posted on 08/26/2010

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I will say I dont think men have an interest in babies and they used that to excuse their laziness Everyone was always telling me men dont like babies til their older and more fun all they do is sit there and eat. Lol. And i think there might be some truth to that because the older our daughter gets the more he plays with her and helps out. Also, he played with my son right away as soon as we got together and he was a little over one so I think it might get better for you too.

Jessica - posted on 08/26/2010

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Okay I know exactly how you feel. Ive been through the exact same thing from the video games to the lack of help no sex...all of it and he asked me if she was his too. WHile i was pregnant his aunts and cousins said its probably not even his and everything too. We fought all the time over everything and over nothing.it was rediculous i was so over it i broke up with so many time but we cried and apologized and decided to try again before hed even leave it bacame a routine and we were both just tired of it he was lazy and he thought i was too bitchy and needed to relax finally he decided we should break up but asked if he could stay until he found another place i agreed and after a month we decided to try one last time. we still agrue and fight sometimes but nothing major. Layla is now 9 months and we get along fine i didnt think wed be able to get back to this point after i felt so distant and angry and even discusted withhim and his behavior. Im not saying if you wait it out it will work but you never know. You deserve to happy too and if your not do something about it. If you wanna leave do it even if its just temporary to show him what hes got to lose!

April - posted on 08/25/2010

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Well if you feel the way you do...I was going through the same things and always expressed how I felt to him...we are just starting to get things back on track but we split up for about 3 or 4 months. but it takes time for a man to understand til you have already showed no interest and have split up..men like something they cant have..I know how stressed you are, but just relax..things may or not change but accepting this is key..if he can't trust you because of what people say,he either has to pick or choose...you and the baby or them..I used to believe what other people said and its hard to change when your whole life thats what you trusted was the people not in the relationship, but he will hopefully realize especially when you kick him to the curve..you don't need to feel like this and he shouldn't do this to you...I used to act like a man, always hidin my feelings and sticking to myself...looking for love through sex and now that I understand thats not love things get better...I sought a therapist top third percentile in la and now I am starting to realize he and I both need to change...go to therapy alone and have him speak with one on his own and then come together if you both agree its time to get things out in the air, but most times you cant' change a person unless they wanna change..so my suggestion is focus on you and yourr daughter...when he starts to see how happy you are without him he shall soon realize if not leave him in the wind...harsh but its reality..I been through this situation myself so Im not going to say its easy it takes lots of time..but if you have faith that things will work then maybe they might...I was always a neg thinking so it sure is a change..try getting couples to come over and chill...maybe ones with children as well so you all get the baby worn out and if he hears what other couples have to say maybe it will open his eyes that you deserve better than he is giving you...well holla back at me anytime...always have an ear for listening and stating an opinion not getting in your biz...

Amanda - posted on 08/25/2010

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my ex was the same way with our son who is now 8 . he actually started all his crap the day i said i'm pregnant . what i thought was going to be the happiest day of his life all i got was "is that all?" out of him. after that he would pick fights so he could leave or stay gone with his buddies all the time not coming home till 2am. he even picked a fight with me as i was being prepped for my emergency c-section . after our son was born he asked if he was the dad and it totally crushed me for i had never been unfaithful. only to find out that he was the cheating on me. i worked he didnt but he refused to keep the baby so my mom did one night i came home from work just picked up the baby he was about 1 1/2 by this time and it was late i got a shower put in to bed laid down and he told me to get out. it was 1am. so after i packed me and the baby traveled to my dad's it was about 4am. only to find out the next day as soon as i left his new girlfriend moved in. well after that he asked if we could work things out i said sure then he wanted me to start gaining a bunch of weight said sorry about your luck so he started cheating again and i left for good. i've now been married to my husband for almost 6 years and he is a wonderful daddy to my son and our 2 year old daughter plus he has a set of 21 year old twin girls one of which is fixing to make me a grandma at the young age of 28 ...lol

Kylie - posted on 08/25/2010

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it's hard when you are tired from the baby, too. Remember that those first few months will probably be the hardest of your marriage, becuase so much is diffrent.i do think that councilling is a good idea, if he won;t go the go alone, it might give you a better way of dealing with the situation.

Amanda - posted on 08/25/2010

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when i got pregnant w my now 4 yr old son his father and i hadnt been together for a r we were going on 6 months when i found out and he was the same way bout helping me out w him i was also going to high school full time and trying to take care of myself along w my newborn baby my son is 4 and his father and i split up in 08 dont wait as long as we did i tried talking to him bout helping me but all he cared about was his friends his video games and what he was missing in life because he was a daddy... he's changed alot since we split up but im nvr going back. if ur bfs problem is that hes not sure the babys his tell him to look into a paternity test itll also get his family off ur backs and maybe hell start helping more maybe just maybe thatll work

Deidra - posted on 08/25/2010

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I have felt the same way.. my baby daddy and I moved away for his job and now im a stay at home mom. we had ALOT of help back home and it has been REALLY hard adjusting to just us. I can't emphasize enough how important date night is. when the baby is sleeping you may have some time to each other but you have to take yourselves out of the enviroment your comfortable in or you dont get the attention you need
simeon is having a hard time figuring out a balance to everything... work comes first, then his personal time, then his son, then me... and that had to change. I used to have to beg him to give the baby a bath. The baby is 15 mo and barely knows his dad and it is becoming very apparent to simeon. SO he has finally put his son in his schedule. But he loves to play video games and sleep in when he can.. I feed,change, get up with, and put the baby to bed.. I spend 95% of my day with my child, which i love but every mom NEEDS time to themselves, and not just a shower.. ( simeon used to bring the baby in the shower b/c he was crying for me, but I made that stop) i also put the baby in the bed with him on the weekend and just leave to have some me time.
Simeon also doesnt always sleep in our bed, and when i say sometimes, i mean he may sleep in our bed twice a month.. he just falls asleep on the couch (after gaming)
Things are getting better but it is all due to communication. We communicate very well but sometimes its hard to get to a point where we can talk about what is really bothering us.. It took a few date nights to fix the last issue.. we may not be married but we sure are dealing with the 1st year of marriage issues. And sometimes i feel like if I take the baby and leave for a while it will make him realize what he's doing, but really i just have to keep talking to him till he understands how and why im feeling the way i feel. I hope this helps, if anything just know your not alone!

Tanya - posted on 08/25/2010

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i hear ya hun. When we first had our son he took 3 weeks off from work to help me. i had a c-section and had trouble moving around so it worked out really well he helped with the feedings changed all the diapers BUT...when he went back to work it ALL changed he came home played with him for awhile but not much. He was just to lazy. Very impatient and if he wanted to sit and watch tv and he had to watch the baby he would lay the baby on his chest but sometimes our son didnt want that position or wanted to play and he would get frustrated because the baby wasnt doing what he wanted. (as if babies do as their told *rolling eyes*) so the baby would stop crying and at first i would run to grab him so the baby wouldnt cry no mom wants to hear their baby crying but then i noticed it seemed like he was doing it on purpose so it would seem to me like he "didnt know" what to do. so i would leave him with the baby and if i would hear my son cry i would go in the room and maybe say something "oh he might be hungry you should feed him" "he is sleepy that is why he is cranky" "i usually try this when he is like that" but never once taking the baby from him MAKING him participate and actually do something. Sometimes as moms we make the men do that. My mom always says "dont get him used to that because when you give him an arm he will take your leg too." Sadly its like training a pet. Train your man on How-to-be-a-daddy. If he brings her to you when your in the shower in a calm voice just tell him "hunny pls keep her entertained for a bit so i can shower if you play or walk with her awhile she will stop crying it usually works for me and i will feed her when i am out" in your sweetest loving voice and slowly go from there.
Now your sex life very important!!! "keep your man happy at home so he doesnt look for happiness elsewhere" another quote from my brilliant mother. i know sex life is hard with a baby and times for sleep are different for the both of you my husband goes to sleep before i do. i like night sex he likes morning sex sooo it gets tough because i sleep in late because i go to bed late and he goes to bed early because he wakes up early for work. So what i do when i finally go to bed and im in the mood and he is sleeping i just touch him a bit and give him little kisses till i notice he gets "excited" and i jump on (trust me NO man is gonna tell you get off i rather sleep) and we have had a better relationship since i started doing that because we also used to argue and "break up" like everyother day! no sex gets people in a bad mood ESPECIALLY men. my husband and i have a very good communication going on so he mentioned to me that he was struggling with a lil jealousy towards all the time i was spending with the baby. He felt like he wasnt getting any attention so we started a date night once a week. My mom will watch our son and we will go see a movie or get ice cream any little outing where you attention is on him.
if you say he is stuck on his video games or computer till late give him a reason to come to bed with you. Tell him your in the mood make sure your signals are clear men dont pick them up as well as we do. Maybe wear something sexy and walk by him MAKE him notice you. It could be anything bra and panties, sexy pjs, be sexy!! Sometimes us moms after a baby we feel so ugh! and so our men can feel our confidence drop and confidence is a BIG part of what attracts them to us in the 1st place so if your walking around the strutting your stuff he will LOVE it!
This is just merely suggestions if you love him dont give up relastionships are hard and in my case having a little us time and re-charging up our sex life helped us out ALOT!

Esmé - posted on 08/24/2010

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Dear Melanie. Councelling is difficult, especially with the 'boy-men' that don't really want to go... something that worked for me in the difficult early days with my son (now 5) is this, I told my hubby that when we decided to be a family, I stop dreaming dreams for me and started dreaming dreams for us, I know that he dreams for us too and that it is only going to come to realization if we both work on it together. Tell him that you do not want to change who he is, but how he behalves sometimes hurts your feelings. I'm also straight up... I will tell him 'If you take the baby for 30 minutes and let me have a girl-bath you are more likely to get lucky tonight, cause I will feel less like the milk-machine and more like a woman" and he loves it when I do.
I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is a successful relationship.
And remember that your hormones are a little bit wild for the first year after your baby is born... that two shall pass.
Do what is best for you and I am praying for you.
Esmé

Melissa - posted on 08/24/2010

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there is a few things I hear from you in your post/ first, after every mom has a baby they go through nearly exactly what you are going htrough. you are tired, stressed, everything is new and you expect for things to be the way they were before the baby. but they cant and will not ever be. Maybe you are asking little from your boyfriend but also this is a trying time for him as well. men do not have the responsibility we have, they know that if they do not want to take care of the baby then they dont have to, unlike women have no choice, so the next time you are showering, remember it is your time, tell him no he has to wait till you are done, you have every right to shower in peace, and he needs to take steps to becoming a dad. alot of guys never change diapers and feed the baby, but most moms get obsessive and want things done a certain way when they have a baby and the guy feels like everything they do is wrong so they figure why do anything? or they have not let it sink in yet. Counseling would be good, but also there is alot of info online for you both to look up and try or you and give to him, spending a movie together is good but if you want more then dont sit for the 2 hour movie and shut off the tv and do something else. make him so something else. new moms tend to get in a rott and they become a mom and that is it, they lose their frinds, and their lives, but there is hope, you are seeing there are problems and it is up to you to make them change and if they dont you need to move on for the baby,

Jessica - posted on 08/24/2010

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I don't know about it being a "male thing" for him to avoid changing diapers and feeding. But I think you should look at the psychology behind it. Perhaps his doubts about the paternity are causing him a mental block about feeling like a father, bonding and taking on the responsibilities that come with the role. Perhaps you could reassure him by having or at least offering to have a paternity test completed. Then when the test results come back you can both try to work through the other problems by talking and even seeking counseling if necessary.

Kerrie - posted on 08/24/2010

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you are not alone
my daughter is now almost 9 months old and i have lost count how many times i have come close to kicking my partner out.....
not because i want to ( i love him to bits ) but because he makes it more hard work when he is home...
in 9 months he has prob changed 5 nappies and fed her maybe 10 times with a bottle twice with baby food...
when he is home he leaves a trail of mess and just slumps on the sofa and plays his x box
to make matters worse we have his children from a previous relationsship every weekend fri to sun (who i love to bits also) but i am left to deal with them too mostly on my own
he is slowly getting better but he actually doesnt see the prob and seems to think he does a lot to help
if you love him stick with it a bit longer but tell him how u feel if this doesnt work write him a letter and leave him home alone a few hours while he reads it and digests what has been written

Alecia - posted on 08/24/2010

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i totally agree with Kellie Emery. most men just dnt seem to like newborns. my daughter was in premie clothes when she came home (though she was technically term,...just tiny) and it made my husband nervous to hold her or change her. mothers are hard-wired to nuture and not all men are. u need to let him know what ur expectations are. give him time. he will prbly come around as ur child ages. i know it makes it hard on moms in the beginning, but its why we're here....we can take it (to a point)

relationships take work...sometimes ALOT of work! my husband and i have fought so bad that we've tried leaving (before married) but we just seem to need eachother. we have had a few bad fights in front our daughter, but we realize what that does to her and its not fair. we have both been putting effort in and we are getting along so much better now. i love him dearly and will put everything i have into it before i walk away. u need to evaluate if thats how u feel. if so, then u and he need to have a serious talk. if not then leave. ur child will be happier if u r happy.


and sex....the more u have it, the more u will want it. there are times im tired and just want to roll over, but i love making love with my husband! dnt get me wong, there are times i just ignore him and go to sleep...and he does to me too sometimes! lol. but we love having that connection so we do it. its really that simple.....just do it!! if he's playing a game just, u know...grab him! lol. if he says "no" then he's got some prblms. :p good luck!!!

Jessie - posted on 08/23/2010

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I have to say that it is not a 'male thing' my boyfriend does almost everything that I do with our son. True, he doesnt do it as often but that's because he works full time + so that I can work only part time and spend as much time as possible with our 13 month old son. My sex life didn't return until a few months ago (probably around the time he started sleeping through the night consistantly at 10 months old, haha). Also true that I did ALL of the feeding for almost 6 months when our son was exclusively breastfed but he did other things like diapers and rocking and helping around the house, bringing me juice and grilled cheese while I was nursing, etc. it wasnt easy at first, especially because I was a nervous wreck. we have had our ups and downs but you have to work through them. I do more around the house, but I am here more and he DOES work hard at his job. but it's not one-sided either, we use team work when we can to tackle the mess or we take turns with our son so we can get things done (dishes, vaccumming, etc). being parents means TEAMWORK even if one is a stay at home parent a child should have 2 people raising them that means diapers and playing and chores, etc.
Tell him he needs to get a paternity test (which I have heard is something like $600) or shut the hell up about whether it's his child or not. did he give the baby his last name? if so that's his own dumb mistake if he was uncertain. I am betting it's just a cop out because he doesnt want to take responsibilty for your baby and family. in laws can be a pain in the ass but try to avoid them as much as humanly possible. they wont go away as long as he is around (and even after because of the baby!)
My boyfriend is also a 'gamer' and loves his game time. it really used to be a problem but we just had to agree to set aside 'us' time. on tuesday nights after the baby is in bed we turn off the lights, throw some blankets and pillows on the floor and watch a few of our favorite tv shows we record throughout the week. sometimes it's a good thing they are recorded because we get busy ignoring them... or sometimes we actually watch them and have a snack and cuddle. then after we watch them, I go to bed (I get up way earlier than him for work) and he plays his games. best of both worlds for both of us. but you both have to make the effort to spend the time together.
suggest the counseling again and set up an appointment for yourself. if necessary set up a couples appointment and ask him to go with you. if he doesnt talk to him about why not. I hope you can work it out but if not than you will be ok too. best of luck!

Anna - posted on 08/23/2010

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counceling will most likely help out alot but what if counceling doesnt help what are you going to do then? i think you should leave him..but try the counceling..good luck to ya!! ..but not all guys are like that..its not always a "Male Thing" my boyfriend he is very helpful..i had to be in the hospital 5 days after i gave birth cause i got sick and my son was having troubles so we both stayed in the hospital and for 5 days my boyfriend slept in a chair just to help me with the baby...he feeds him,bathes him...i dress him cause my boyfriend isnt good in that area haha..and he spends time playing with our son and he is always buying him new toys..he has toys all over the house..even though he works graveyards sometimes he doesnt go to sleep at all just so he can see our son..he's a great dad!! i cant wait to marry him!!

Sarh - posted on 08/23/2010

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My son is 10 weeks and 4 days old, my fiance has yet to change one single diaper! Even if I run a quick errand he says oh he just now pooped. As well as your fiance mine also say that my son is hungry any time I try to do anything!! I think men are just really nervous. My fiance has admitted to me that he is scared w/our son, because he is so little, but in reality my son is HUGE for his age (16lbs and 24"). My fiance is also a gamer, he is what gamers call "hardcore gamer". He comes home from work and takes over the tv to play his video games or takes over the laptop && the tv! Even on his days off he does this. The only time I can get him to take a walk is if he doesn't have something to drink. I as well am at my wits end some days.
For the sex life, when you are in the mood do you tell him? Not little signs, but verbally just come out and say that you are?! Men, are slow when it comes to giving cues or giving hints. Also, I know what you mean when you just want to relax and go to bed or what not, I was like that until one night he was nagging me so much that I just gave in and for me sex is sort of a way to make me feel good about myself after having baby (because I know he wouldn't sleep w/someone who he found unattractive), also after sex it is relaxing and easier to fall asleep.
Do not leave him over this.
The whole thing w/his family brain washing him, well that's just very immature on both sides (his and his family). He should love and trust you enough to believe you and he should be able to see himself in his child. My fiance was a little leery as to if our son was his as well while I was pregnant because I am only 20, and we were not together for too long before I became pregnant. He asks me every now and then if I'm sure he is his, but I just shrug it off because I know the truth and I have told him the truth that he in fact is his father. If it would this drama w/his family, then have a DNA test done to prove them wrong and continue your relationship.
Also, remember that you need to stay calm and relaxed, because your baby can sense your emotions!! And then that will affect her as well.
Good luck!!!

Amanda - posted on 08/23/2010

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OMG Reading ur post put me back 4 yrs ago with both my kids father...I AM SO U THEIR. I left their father after busting my butt to make it work we did da whole couples counseling and i did individual counseling.(which i still do) It will b 2yrs since i kicked my EX out in december... I am much better now then i was the whole time after our first born and when i had our daughter it got 10x's worse so here is some words of advice " a child is happier when both parents are happy then having 2 unhappy parents" U HAVE 2 TAKE CARE OF U AND MAKE YOU HAPPY TO HAVE A HAPPY BABY. da baby is young so she will adjust much better now then if you do it 3 yrs later.

Jennifer - posted on 08/23/2010

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i haven't read all of the responses so hopefully i'm not repeating too much...

some guys just have a harder time adjusting to being a parent. my husband whom i love dearly, and i know loves our son only just started connecting to our son a little bit ago, and he's 9 months old. some guys just don't do well with the "baby" stage, and don't really open up to it until the baby is more interactive and "fun." a lot of guys just don't really know what to do with them, especially if they start to fuss.

there was a period when our son was a couple months old that my sex drive completely disappeared. one day i noticed that my husband was practically having to beg me for sex...we sat down and talked about it. he told me that it wasn't just about sex, he said that he missed his wife. he missed his partner. from then on i started making an honest effort towards having sex with him...even if i was exhausted, even if i had absolutely no interest, even if i had a million other things i needed to get done. after a little while, i remembered why sex is so much fun, and why its WORTH IT. you just have to relax. you can't think about all the other things you need/want/should be doing. sex is important, but it is not the most important. intimacy is the most important. intimacy includes a lot of things...talking, holding hands through the grocery store, kissing when hubby gets home from work, cuddling up on the couch and watching a movie, grabbing his ass when you walk past him in the kitchen :P. he just wants to be reminded that you love him, are attracted to him, and care enough about him to remember that he's your (soon to be) husband.

when you are in the mood, take the matter into your own hands, don't wait for him to come to bed. when mine and my husbands sex life was starting to get better, he told me that after being turned down so many times, he started giving up trying to initiate.

a tip my mom gave me is to make time to have conversations with your partner that do not involve your baby, or being parents.

Melanie - posted on 08/23/2010

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Thank you all. I've been struggling, but he WAS very helpful when we went in for her 2 month check-up and she got all those shots. He did, however, make me the bad parent and stand with her as she got the shots, but he took her after to comfort her. I guess it works out, though. I am the one that provides the comfort any other time by providing my breast for her to feed and my chest as a pillow to sleep. We will have to sit down, and maybe when his mom comes this weekend, we can all sit down and him and I can tell her where her place is... NOT in the middle of our relationship. We will work on it on our own.

Nicole - posted on 08/23/2010

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Well girl. i can honestly say ive been in this exact same boat. If its a new baby its alot of new stress that neither of you are used to. My husband was the same way when my son was born. I did pretty much everything for him. I got up in the middle of the night, i had all the sleepless nights, i changed all the diapers, everytime he cried it was me me me me me. We fought and broke up everyday. It was pretty much to the point where i was ready to say f**k it and leave. But i didnt want my child to grow up only seeing his father on a set up visitation schedule. So i talked to him i told him he needs to be more helpful with him. I said he didnt have to do it all but a helping hand here and there is always accepted. This was less then a year ago. We've come to the understand that he has a weak stomach so i get the pooped diapers but he changes wet ones, gives him a bath, feeds him and does pretty much more then what he did before. As for the fighting. It pretty much stopped. I wasnt as stressed out from being the only one working with my son. And hes more understanding. Its pretty much more communication...i wouldnt leave him...give him a little longer to get used to the situation..my son was 9 months old when my husband got the drift though his head to help more.

Melanie - posted on 08/23/2010

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I did cheat on my fiance more than 9 months before we conceived our daughter, and I'm sure that weighs on him. We have since discussed it, and why I did it. We were supposed to be working on our relationship and the problems in it, but I found out I was pregnant. Things have been gradually going downhill since then. He wasn't even there when I took the pregnancy test. He left the state right beforehand! We talked about it as a possibility, because I was almost two weeks late. He left, saying he needed to find a job, which was understandable, but when I need him the most, he left?! His mom and I got into a huge fight the other day. I told her she's being a selfish bitch for wanting us to live where she does. We were living in a hotel room, and had them judging us for everything we did (like having 1 meal a month that we would go to a restaurant and eat or quitting the job that was destroying our car, the car we got for our daughter to have a safe vehicle to ride in). We left after finding out she had cancer because she expected me to take care of her 24/7 and take care of my daughter 24/7. Neither my daughter nor myself should have been around her at all. (She's receiving chemo, and the radiation is bad for us.) I guess she was the root of our problems for a while. She plays all sweet with him, but hates me and shows it!

Kellie - posted on 08/22/2010

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things will get better my husband was kinda like that but our baby had colic to....now our daughter is 7 1/2 months old and he plays with her and stuff...what iv seen with most guys they dont really like babies untill they are older and they can play and do things with them. Try to take a shower when she is sleeping and its okay if she cries for a few mins while your in there she should just fall asleep. if he is worried about if the baby is his or not i would do a DNA test but thats just me. but remember relationships takes work and my husband and i argue all the time but we still love each other. i cant really tell you anything on the sex life because my husband and i well when he is turned on i get him to turn me on or our sex life would not be there either but i want that connection and if that means doing it when he wants to thats what i do....you should talk about the expectations you have for each other and how you feel and if things start to go south just drop the conversation for a few days then bring it up again. idk thats just what i think so take what you want just trying to help

Jamie - posted on 08/22/2010

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In general I think him not helping is mostly just a "man thing". I think there are a few men out there that really step up and take care of their children, but most men just feel that it is the woman's job which is not right! From what you have said it doesn't seem like the relationship is going well at all. Maybe you can try counceling and see if that helps. And if it doesn't I would say that it is time for you to get out b/c more than likely he isn't going to change. I know you want to try and make it work for your child but sometimes it is better to get out than to fight all of the time infront of the child.

Jamie - posted on 08/22/2010

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well. I can tell you he isn't going to change. I didn't get my sex drive back until recently (last month) and my baby is almost 15 months old. My husband changes diapers when i nag at him. he does not feed her. i do. i play with her and he doesnt. i get up with her and he doesnt. so i think it is a male thing.

if i were you, i would get out of that relationship because once you are married...GOOD LUCK! Me and my husband argue over the stupidest things. and if you cheated on him or something to make him think that its not his baby then.well i got nothing for you there, and if you didnt and you are a totally faithful person, then most likely he is looking for an out. and he feels trapped!

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