Major self esteem issues and it's hurting my relationship.

Kaila - posted on 09/20/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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I have recently moved from MN to FL and my face looks like I'm twelve again going through puberty. Red pimples everywhere and bumps under my skin too. I have been on proactive for almost a month now and absolutely no change. I have tried other face washes as well. I have always felt ok with my body after I had my son. I have been working to get off that extra 10-15lbs from my pregnancy. I call it my "tire"around my waist. I work out 3-4 times a week trying to get it off. I never had a problem seeing myself naked in front of the mirror and now I just feel disgusting. My boyfriend has told me he loves my body the way it is but I think secretly he wants me to be thinner. Every time he says I'm beautiful I think he is just saying that to be nice.I actually get mad at him sometimes. I dont see it or feel it whatsoever. I have zits on my face and my body isn't up to par like all these other FL women. I just feel like crap. He comments on those women on billboards from the store Adam and Eve (adult store) making me feel more down. I just dont know what to do....

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Mary Renee - posted on 09/22/2010

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I think your boyfriend really means it. I don't know if this makes you feel better but from a biological evolutionary standpoint... you had his baby... you're fertile, young, and healthy and that's beautiful.

At the same time, I'm in a similar boat. I still have that last ten or fifteen pounds to lose and it seems like nothing I do will make it come off. But with the risk of sounding vulgar... the way my boyfriend still goes after me after I get out of the shower I KNOW he still finds me sexy, haha. We live in Hawaii so there is an abundance of gorgeous tan local surfer girls in amazing shape and I am my boyfriend's first "white" girl, before me he only dated the gorgeous exotic types... but at the end of the day self-esteem has to come from within - not from what your boyfriend says or does or doesn't say or doesn't do.

I would try to focus on your son. Think about yourself the way your child thinks of you. That always makes me feel freaking amazing. You are your child's WORLD. You are his MOMMY! He thinks you are beautiful and perfect and amazing in every way and you are because you take care of him and do a good job. And when he hugs you, he wants to hug YOU not some rock hard Miami Sex Store Model. What little kid wants a stick thin super model with perfect skin as a mom? They just want their own mom exactly how they are.

I found that joining Stroller Strides (it's like a work-out with babies and other mothers) helped my self-esteem alot because I met other moms still trying to lose that last fifteen pounds, and some were bigger than me and some smaller and it helped to put things in perspective.

If you don't like the mirrors, don't look at them and go to the store and buy some clothes that make you feel fantastic about yourself and wear them all the time. Self esteem isn't about weight or clear skin or other people, it's about knowing you're awesome inside and out, in spite of an concieved flaws. You created life. What's more gorgeous than that!

Nicole - posted on 09/20/2010

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OK DON'T feel like you have to compete with with the women in FL. I went to Hawaii when my son was only 6 months old and I totally rocked my one piece. Even if I had only worn 2 pieces BEFORE I had my two boys. As far as your complex about that breakouts, I can understand how that can make you feel. A lot of it is probably stress or maybe certain foods. Try getting a chemical peel or talking to your doctor. Proavtive doesn't work for everyone regaurdless of what they say. I truely believe your boyfriend means what he says. Trust me...I know how if feels to have someone tell you you look great when you think you don't. As far as the comments about Adam and Eve...Have you told he that it does bother you when he says things like that. He may not realize how you feel and will be grateful of you tell him. If he keeps making the comments?? Well my dear, just do what I do. Start making comments about some hotties on TV and he will realize real quick how upsetting it can be. Be honnest and let him know that way you can stop feeling this way. Good luck hun.

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24 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 04/26/2012

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First of all don't compare yourself to other women! I know that moving to FL means a lot more women walking around in their bikinis to compare yourself to but you can't let yourself go crazy. Second talk to your boyfriend I think all women go through a sensitive time after having a baby I know I did. We have to adjust to our bodies being different then before we had the baby and we start to feel the need to feel attractive again. Let him know that and for right now you'd appreciate it if he didn't comment on other women, just because your already comparing yourself to other women and feeling down and having the guy whose only supposed to have eyes for you make those comments hurts you and right now you need support. Tell him how you feel about yourself and I'm sure he'll understand. Also I don't think he's saying those things because he feels like he has to. Even if you don't feel that way about yourself he loves you and that makes you the most beautiful woman in his eyes. It'll get better I promise! I went through the same thing.

Ginny - posted on 04/24/2012

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It can be so challenging to feel good again after a pregnancy. One thing that I have discovered is it doesn't seem to matter what my husband says or does, if I'm feeling hurt and ashamed about the way I look, everything he does will rub me the wrong way. I think it's because we can't look outside of ourselves to heal our self esteem. I see clients in my office all the time who feel horrible about themselves and just want me to help them clear and release the emotional issues that are causing their bodies to hold on to the extra weight.



Emotional issues definitely do play a huge roll in our weight but the first thing we do that's the most healing is clear the shame, desperation, and self criticism that's there. The whole key is clearing and releasing the issues that cause us to feel down on ourselves. When you can love and accept yourself completely, it's much easier to receive love and support from your partner. And.. as strange as it is, when people clear the issues that cause them to feel so desperate about their weight and appearance, the weight starts to come off.

There are really simple techniques that work to physically clear and release difficult emotions and negativity. I feel like everyone should be able to use these techniques to shed the heavy energy so they can feel great. I made some audios that teach these techniques for free on my website. They're easy and fast to do and they really help! The audios are designed to clear the emotions of overwhelm, especially emotional overwhelm, and guilt. This is so helpful if you are someone who can't say no and wind up running yourself ragged. If you struggle with difficult emotions and painful thoughts, please feel free to learn these techniques. You can download the simple audio programs and how-to's at www.ginnywalker.com/free

Here's to all of us moms loving and honoring ourselves and our bodies!

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Honestly, I have been there!!! I would believe your bf, but still do what you're doing. It's rough on your skin living in Florida bc it's different. DO NOT worry about those other women. Every woman is different and the guys that choose to be with us are with us because they are attractive to us!!! Not bc they want to be nice or feel like they have to ya know? Just keep doing what you're doing for yourself and try to find something positive to say each day about yourself!!!

Jai - posted on 09/23/2010

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I understand all to well. I just had a baby 7 weeks ago and he is my 3rd baby, and ya i do look good for having 3 babies but i dont look the way i want to. and i to think my husband says things to me just to make me feel better!!! i dont think its genuine. and this weekend we went to our home town for the 1st time in forever and i felt like a cow around my friends. but i tell you what it gave me the push i needed to get back into shape. i am cutting out pop and junk and pilates 4 times a week!!

Nichelle - posted on 09/23/2010

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heya i know exactly what you mean i was skinny befor i got pregnant i had an amazing figure but now because of baby weight that doesnt seem to move no matter whatr i try i fgeal really unconfident and im totally with u on the whole zit thing my skin was clear and nice but now i have to shovel on make up befor i leave the house lol its a normal thing to go through im guessing im glad ther is some one who feals the same as me but i wouldnt wish it on any one if you know what i mean try and cheer up ur not the oinly one xx

Taylor - posted on 09/23/2010

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hello! i have worked in skincare and cosmetics for over 5 years and i see women like you everyday. one's who have recently had children and not only experienced a major body change, but also skin changes. most likely the adult acne is because of your hormone changes after pregnancy, but also from moving to a completely different climate.

it's hard to feel pretty when you're surrounded by people who are gorgeous, but sometimes you just have to look within yourself to be happy with yourself. and im sure you've heard this all a million times from everyone and their mother, but it is the truth. find a few things (or even just ONE thing!) about yourself (face, body, anything!) that you LIKE or LOVE! anything! and really focus on the positive things. positivity usually leads to more positivity and vice versa.

i know you said that you've been using proactive, but it's not always for everyone. you'll want to give any/every skin care product 4-6 weeks before you can determine whether its working or not because thats typically how long cell replenishment in your skin is. and the key to anything that is a targeted treatment is consistency! every single step, as often as directed. anyhow, if proactive doesnt seem to be working for you i REALLY recommend Murad. its similar to Proactive, but it's much gentler and i have never had more people return to me with positive feedback and wonderful results than i did when i was selling Murad! some of the women would return to me 2 weeks later and i could see a difference!

Amanda - posted on 09/22/2010

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I think he means it. It seems like you are just down about yourself. You need to find your own confidence... He loves you for you.

All men are attracted to hot women period. That will never change. Men are programmed to check women out and will always do so..He is at least honest with you...Be grateful he isn't cheating and is telling you you are beautiful...If he wanted someone else I am sure he would go find it.

Darci - posted on 09/22/2010

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Yeah you definitely should talk to your boyfriend and tell him how those comments effect you. Even though hes not doing it on purpose to hurt you men are just dumb sometimes and dont realize how sensitive we women are and espectially after we went from perfect young perky bodies to crapier bodies so quickly. I know exactly how you feel. I use to have perfect skin then i got pregnant with my son and ever since it hasnt been back to normal. zits all over even on my back. Pro active doesnt work for everyone. I personaly have never used it but if you arent nursing or arent pregant right now then you should go to the dermatologist and have him perscribe you something that works for you. If you are nursing or planning on getting pregnant soon then there are safe things you can use while i nused my son i was on benzoile peroxide (a cream) then an acne face lotion i cant remember the exact name. I got it from the dermo though. It worked decent for not being real strong but there are other things he can give you that are stronger and work for you. I need to get in there and get something stronger now that im no longer nursing. My hormones have taken ouver my skin. Dont stress out too much about it just go see the doc and get fixed up. As for the way you feel about your body i know exactly how you feel my problem is my boobs though i lost my baby weight super fast I looked like my old self by the time my son was 4 weeks and then lost even more i weigh less now then before i had him. But my boobs are so small now and not as perky. when me and my husband our having intiment time I am so self concious of my boobs and even though he says he still likes them there are times where he says well you could always get a boob job. What like he wants me to hint hint what. I guess this is just how it is when you have a baby and men just need to learn to be a little more sensitive.
you said you have been working out and you still feel crapy, are you eating right too. you gotta do both if you wanna loose weight. Try to cook healthy meals and dont go out to eat very much. Dont eat a lot of empty calories like chips and crapy things like mac and cheese, pizza, chicken nuggets. Its all crap and it will get you no where try to buy whole grain pasta and whole grain bread it is so much better for you then the regular stuff. Oh and i dont know what kind of work outs your doing but try yoga and pilates like a abs work out they kick butt. I do pilates ab workouts every night before bed and it makes you feel so much better when you feel those muscles working you really feel like you burning the fat.

Allyson - posted on 09/22/2010

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Well for starters, you are beautiful! Speaking from a professional side, I'm a Esthetician (skin care specialist) the more you stress the worse it can get! It can be a mixture of things making you break out. Lots of women get adult acne, could be hormones, stress. If you have changed anything in your routine like new laundry detergent, soaps and etc. There are alot of things that factor in. If it's at the point where it is affecting you being you see a dermatologist and ask them what you can do or if there is something they suggest. I have seen lots of women that suffer from this and it breaks my heart because sometimes it just happens to people and they don't know why. I hope you can find something that helps you and take your boyfriends comments and cherish them. I would love to hear that I'm beautiful from mine ( being over-due and feeling horrible) I feel ugly and fat daily, but some men just need to be reminded that we do need that attention and someone to tell us we are beautiful. I wish you the best of luck with your skin.

Kayly - posted on 09/22/2010

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IM IN THE SAME SITUATION! I always feel like my bf wants someone skinnier........i used to be a size 3 before i got pregnant....now....i dont even want to say....and it seems like no matter what i do i cant lose that weight.....ive tried talking to my bf and he says he likes me the way i am and thats whats expected after having a baby......but its been almost two years!!!!

Carolee - posted on 09/21/2010

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One thing that women do that my husband tells me absolutely pisses men off is this: we put words in their mouths based on how we feel about something. We either don't listen or don't believe them. Honestly, if a man doesn't like how you look/act/dress, he WILL tell you! Just because you are uncomfortable with your body at the moment (which you have every right to feel however you feel about your body), does NOT mean that he feels the same way. While you are focusing on "faults", he is most likely seeing everything else about you. Seriously, guys only tend to notice about 10% of whatever "faults" we (as women) notice, and they only tend to care about around 1% of the things they notice (which usually doesn't really bother them as much as we would think it would).

Not even models look like models. They have so much make-up on, special clothing, and air-brushing that you wouldn't be able to really recognize most of them if you ever saw them in person. Focus on the positive parts of yourself.

Dara - posted on 09/21/2010

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I have struggled with the exact same kind of thing. Though I was topping about 200 pounds, my husband still insisted he thought I was beautiful and desirable, but I wouldn't allow myself to believe him. I turns out he actually did feel that way, and the only way I was able to eventually believe him was by respecting myself enough to get healthy. I got so frustrated with what I saw in the mirror that I just made a resolve to change it. The first thing I had to change was my thinking. Instead of focusing on the negative parts of my body, I focused on the positive, and honestly, once one positive thought got in there, more began to come. I eventually lost all the weight, but it became so much more than that. It became where I respected and loved myself, and my relationship got better because I was happier. I would definitely be honest with your boyfriend about how you are feeling, and ask him to refrain from comments about other women, as it just doesn't help. Do something special for yourself that makes you feel good, and you just might find that other things begin to change as well.

Cassandra - posted on 09/21/2010

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Wow, sounds like me sometimes...First off, get rid of the proactive, it's a waist of time and money! I like Soap & Glory's Scrub Your Nose In It (Target). Second, that's great that you're trying to lose weight to feel better about yourself, great job! However, don't let those FL women get to you. I used to get mad at my man too for saying he loves my body (I always thought he was lying too). Then he told me that he gets mad at me for saying that I think he' a lyer! He DOES love the way you are! Have a long talk with him about it, don't hold anything back and see if you guys can work through it together. And as for those women on the billboards...they are a fantasy, he is never going to be with them, HE'S WITH YOU. I look at it like this, my man can look at anything he wants and fantisize, whatever; as long he comes home with me at the end of the day, it's all good. Hope this helps.

Rachel - posted on 09/21/2010

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Maybe you are allergic to some sort of food, Gluten is a MAJOR cause of skin irritation. and some foods cause weight gain/stickage...

Trauma to your body (pregnancy) can cause an sensitivity to become an allergy. Consult with a doctor, perhaps either a nutritionist or a dermatologist.

as for your boyfriend, COMMUNICATE! don't just get mad at him because he tells you your beautiful and YOU don't believe it. To him you ARE Beautiful. Maybe find a group of ladies who are working on losing weight a support team is really helpful---Spark.com (I think is a grate social networking site for people who want to be healthier) Look into it.

Julie - posted on 09/21/2010

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man I remember the days of when I had really bad skin. Not that I have flawless skin now, but I can remember how self concious I was back then. I feel for you! I took the Wal-Mart version of Pro-Active and it cleared up my skin, BUT it did make me break out more at first, and then it would work. So you might be going through the part where it is pushing all the bacteria and whatnot up and out of your pores. I would say to maybe keep on trying with it. Do not skip days because it makes it worse. I know how you feel about the baby weight. Good for you for actually trying to loose it! That's more than I do...I also get my feelings a little hurt if my man mentions something about hotties bc I don't feel like I am one. But I think a lot of the other women on here can agree that he is not just saying those things to you. Have you ever thought about getting checked out for depression? Maybe you could talk with your Dr. about the feelings and insecurities you are having. If you are not happy with yourself, you could be taking it out on others around you that love you. You already obviously realize that because of the title of this post. Good luck hun, I wish you the best and hope you can work through your internal struggle. Make sure to openly communicate with your BF so he knows that's going on.

Charlotte - posted on 09/21/2010

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1) You ARE beautiful to your man! That's love! I have more extra lbs than I care to mention and my man still thinks I'm hot! :-) 2)It's also important for you to think you're beautiful, I know. How about consulting a dermatologist and a nutritionist? They could really help you practically and by boosting your morale. Good luck!

Jackie - posted on 09/20/2010

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First let him know that it bugs you. Men are men and they are going to look regardless. The comments however arent appropriate.
Second I tried proactive and it actually made my face worse. Try just plain good ole dial gold. Most of the time acne is actually caused by bacteria in the skin. I started using dial gold for a while just to a week or two until I started to get my face cleared up and then switched to clean and clear. It has triclosan in it and thats an antibacterial. Also if you pick your face stop. Popping zits and blackheads scars the skin and can actually push the blemish further into the skin.
As far as the baby weight I dont know what to tell you there. I have an insanely ridiculous metabolism and only gained 15pds. When your man says he likes your body he probably does. Thats the body that made his child! Lots of men find is sexy if you have stretch marks or a bit of extra weight after giving them a child.

Jessica - posted on 09/20/2010

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Sometimes our hormones get the best of us. All you can do is keep your chin and know that the people that surround you love you no matter what. Once you let it go and give to god- you'll begin to see little things start to change. Relax and Be YOU!

Donna - posted on 09/20/2010

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i think yur boyfriend means what he says. And i'm sure he doesnt see u the way u see u. for example when me and my husband met he was scrawny. now hes put on a little weight, but i think hes more attractive that way. i guess its because it makes him look stronger idont know

Montana - posted on 09/20/2010

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at least your boyfriend tells you he loves you the way you are! my husband had no trouble telling me he wasnt attracted to me after my second baby. (I didnt get stretch marks for my first but did for my second).

Sheryl - posted on 09/20/2010

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you need to talk to your boyfriend and let him know how your feeling. plus let him know what makes you feel worse. another sometime even though us women feel bad about yourself are men really think we look great. sometimes it looks good to them esp. when it there baby that we just had. my husbend told me i looked great for just having a baby not to long ago. when he notice i was have selfasteem issus myself. maybe talking to a fitting instr. to see if there anything else you can do. but also another thing it takes time to lose the baby waight and sometime we has women can't and wont get back to what we where maybe close. but don't let that get you down. looks aren't everything, men nor. want women who have a brain too.. best of luck and talk to your boyfriend.

Katie - posted on 09/20/2010

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You need to talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling. It can be very hard losing weight after a pregnancy. I have a almost two year old daughter and I should have lost at least 20 pounds by now but I couldn't and now I'm pregnant again. Its tough to lose weight so don't get yourself down about it. Your skin might be the way it is because you're stressing out about all of this so try and relax and even changing what you eat could affect how your skin reacts. Maybe you could see a specialist about it and they could recommend something for you.
If it makes you feel down about yourself when you boyfriend comments about those women tell him that you want him to keep those thoughts to himself. I know how that can feel. It sucks seeing all these thin women, its like a reminder of what you can't quite reach. Maybe you could ask your boyfriend for an hour every day to yourself so you can go outside for a walk and do some meditation and deep breathing. Try and talk to your boyfriend though about how you feel because he might not know. Also, try and find a group of moms to hang out with to support each other in trying to eat healthy and lose weight. I know if I had someone like that I probably wouldn't be as heavy as I am now. Best of luck to you and don't feel down about yourself. Maybe it will help but I'm sure there are many women who feel the same as you.

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